Did i ruin it or he ghosted me ?

[toomanyquestions123]

He texted me yesterday night out of nowhere, i thought he didn't want anything related to me anymore. He asked about how my weekend was and told me that he spent his weekend at work and he is super tired and then sent me a couple of random pictures. Not sure what to do at this point, should i give it a chance or friendzone him at this point ?

[toomanyquestions123]

I understand. Yes our situations were similar, and by using clear communication advice given here I was able to save it, went on a great date yesterday and have another two planned. Not flaunting it, but I am really shocked by the power of clear communication instead of being passive and playing non chalant and I hope you use that power in the future as well. Hugs and be well!

 

Hope it will work well with you ! HUGS BACK

[MaleIntuition]

Stop abusing the ghost-terminology. He didn’t ghost you. Ghosting is when someone stops responding - you never contacted him - so he didn’t ghost. On the contrary when you texted him, he responded. You dumped him and then expects him to apologise to you? Do you realise how ridiculous/princes-drama-queen that sounds?

 

If you don’t want to date him. Don’t. But stop justifying your decisions based on a secret “dating rule book”. No man will never know your arbitrary rules about texting frequency and so forth. After two dates he doesn’t own you anything.

[Zippy2000]

If a guy likes you no matter how busy he is or what he has got etc, he will always finds time to see you..

 

A message only takes a few seconds,

 

Sounds like he was using his mental health issues as an excuse..

 

My advice is to move on, you did the right thing

 

 

I agree with this. I went through a bad break up in Dec 2005 and ended up off work for months due to stress and anxiety. I was getting panic attacks for while but I'm better now. That was over a decade ago and I believe he`s using his mental issues for a reason to not contact you this shouldn't be the case. It only takes a second or two to fire off a text. He`s maybe just not that into you.

[toomanyquestions123]

Stop abusing the ghost-terminology. He didn’t ghost you. Ghosting is when someone stops responding - you never contacted him - so he didn’t ghost. On the contrary when you texted him, he responded. You dumped him and then expects him to apologise to you? Do you realise how ridiculous/princes-drama-queen that sounds?

 

If you don’t want to date him. Don’t. But stop justifying your decisions based on a secret “dating rule book”. No man will never know your arbitrary rules about texting frequency and so forth. After two dates he doesn’t own you anything.

 

I have some insecurities due to my past break-ups and would overthink if someone doesn't text me for a whole day. He did not ghost me so it's either one of those scenarios:

 

1. He has anxiety disorders and since he is busy and overloaded at work, he is not really thinking about me right now.

2. He is not that into me.

3. He doesn't think he has to text me all the time, everyday ( although he did since we matched on tinder ).

[toomanyquestions123]

I agree with this. I went through a bad break up in Dec 2005 and ended up off work for months due to stress and anxiety. I was getting panic attacks for while but I'm better now. That was over a decade ago and I believe he`s using his mental issues for a reason to not contact you this shouldn't be the case. It only takes a second or two to fire off a text. He`s maybe just not that into you.

 

He texted me yesterday night after "dumping him", would he do that if he is not that into me ?

[d0nnivain]

He texted me yesterday night out of nowhere, i thought he didn't want anything related to me anymore. He asked about how my weekend was and told me that he spent his weekend at work and he is super tired and then sent me a couple of random pictures. Not sure what to do at this point, should i give it a chance or friendzone him at this point ?

 

He didn't text you out of nowhere.

 

You dumped him. Then you took it back Now that he's come up for air from his work weekend & has time for personal stuff he reached out to you.

 

If you want to give him a chance do so but I think he's never going to shower you with the level of attention you need. If you can reign in your own fears maybe. But you will have to become more secure. This pathological need to have a new person text you daily is unhealthy.

 

Do not friendzone him. Either date him or dump him. Do not try some BS friendship thing. You met when you were both looking for romance not platonic. You don't get to keep every person you ever met in your life forever. Some people are just temporary.

[toomanyquestions123]

I will keep my options open and my expectations low, i am not gonna dwell on it a lot. If we are meant to date, we will. I made it clear for him when taking my message back that i am open to try again and i will try to be reasonable in the amount of calls and texts i will receive, we are just dating, no exclusivity, i will also enjoy my life and keep myself busy alone and independently.

Edited January 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[MaleIntuition]

I have some insecurities due to my past break-ups and would overthink if someone doesn't text me for a whole day. He did not ghost me so it's either one of those scenarios:

 

1. He has anxiety disorders and since he is busy and overloaded at work, he is not really thinking about me right now.

2. He is not that into me.

3. He doesn't think he has to text me all the time, everyday ( although he did since we matched on tinder ).

 

4. He was about to text when you dumped him

5. He realised that daily contact is unhealthy in an early relationship

6. He realised his past behaviour was needy and that continuing on that path will push you away.

7. He likes you, but wants you to do your part of the chasing

8. He became uncertain when you cancelled and started to doubt your level of interest

9. He was busy and values quality over quantity and therefore requires time to craft a message

10. He is uncertain about you (he should be after 2 dates)

[toomanyquestions123]

I think it is 5,6,7 & 10.

Edited January 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[olivetree]

I don't think you should have sent that message, EVEN if you had wanted to end things (which it doesn't sound like you actually did).

It comes off as more of a ploy to get a reaction out of him / have the last word especially since he didn't say anything that required a response.

And now even moreso since you reached out to him essentially trying to take things back but not really taking full responsibility at the same time.

 

If he'd said he'd get back to you about plans but then didn't, I would have just made other plans and said nothing or possibly checked in.

But no dramatic break up text.

 

Anyway, you've already reached out and he didn't sound too interested in pursuing things anymore.

I'd probably let this one go.

 

In the future, try not to act when you're upset/anxious (easier said than done, I know).

That kind of behaviour is almost always going to end a new relationship that has no solid foundation / history of "good" behaviour to give you the benefit of the doubt.

Edited January 14, 2019 by olivetree

[preraph]

He is busy. Some people can't work and think about romance at the same time. It's called compartmentalizing. And it's normal. Humans developed compartmentalization eons ago when they were hunting and killing for food because it takes a certain amount of being able to wall off emotions to do that. Men do it more than women. I had a guy friend who was all about me until he unexpectedly didn't get a great job he had lined up due to a freak thing. Then he checked out regularly for many months because all he could concentrate on was work and getting along financially. He had pre-told me he compartmentalized.

 

Also, adults work and are busy if they are out on their own. They can't devote all their attention to keeping your expectations met. They have their own expectations and no two people really agree on the rules of engagement. So yes, you are not his number one priority. He has a life to run. That's a good thing. You should not be his number one priority until such a time as you marry and he decides he is ready for that type of commitment -- and even then, many people place themselves first and then once they take care of their own needs, they give the other priority.

 

Your expectations are too high. You should not WANT a guy who is idle and not busy and has time to hold your hand emotionally. You should want one who stands on his own two feet.

 

You can't tell him when to contact you. That's unfair.

 

I'm older, as you may sense, and you learn things looking back on your own mistakes. One thing I learned is if you really want to find out what the guy is like without having months of him trying to second-guess how you want him to act and being on pins and needles -- if you really want to see what he's like, then sit back and see what he will do when it's up to him without prodding. Because eventually, that's the guy you'll end up with anyway. Don't pressure him. Yes, have some standards and don't do anything you're not ready for. But don't just prod him and pressure him to behave a way to make you feel better. Wait and see what he will do on his own without pressure. DO praise him when he does something the way you want, like contacts you. Oh, you're so sweet to call, I was thinking about your earlier. That's how you show him your needs and it's so much better than, "You didn't call me. I thought you'd call me. I had given up on you." And you set yourself up for it by pressuring him to contact that certain day when he was already saying it wasn't optimum.

 

Praise any good behavior. Don't reward any that's outside of your bounds. See what he'll do, because that's what's in him. You're not his mother and he has no obligation to you at this point whatever.

 

Chill out and take it as it comes here for awhile until you see what he's made of, whether it gels with you, whether you have anything in common and have a connection. Don't force it.

 

And it will be so much more rewarding for YOU if he voluntarily does something like you hoped he would than if you pressured him to do it.

[Mrs._December]

He answerer that he stayed late at work and when he wanted to text me he read my message that bothered him, he told me i overreacted and thats it. I told him i respect that he doesnt want to talk me again and i may have overreacted but ibwas expecting to confirm our plans. He didnt reply back... so thats it for me.

You did the right thing telling him you were moving on.

 

You even reached out again and GAVE him the opportunity to explain and perhaps apologize for his rudeness in not getting back to you in a timely manner about your date, and what does he do? He has the audacity to accuse YOU of overreacting. No wonder this clown is still single.

 

"Anxiety" or not, it's no excuse to act as though YOUR time isn't just as valuable as his. And by leaving you hanging not knowing what was going on with the intended date, he wasn't valuing you or your time.

 

Screw him.

[Mrs._December]

I will keep my options open and my expectations low....

If you're going to start up again with this guy, you'd better downgrade your expectations to 'none.'

[toomanyquestions123]

While i was swimming post-work yesterday, he called me and then sent a voice message telling me he wanted to talk to me but i did not answer him and he doesnt know why. I called him back and told him i was in the pool and away from my phone. We talked for the rest of the night. He told me that he thinks i am expecting from him to chase me like other guys used to do,but he doesn't do that and he is being completely honest with me, wants to take things slowly with me, explained how stressed he is at work and the overload will end on Thursday. I just listened and interacted positively with him and we talked about other random subjects.

 

He is different than other guys who were trying to pursue me at the beginning of the relationship. It's new for me for a guy who is totally stressed at work would not prioritize other things happening is his life in parallel. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying it's new and what concerned me was his anxiety disorder, i just i do not want to hurt myself again, that's all. But i will go along with him for a while and see if this can work out or no.

[Morello]

I don't understand why you keep talking about his anxiety disorder when you were the one who acted out of your anxiety big time.

 

He seems more centered than you.

[Redhead14]

You heard him say that he has some anxiety issues, etc. and yet you opened your thread with:

 

"I know i’m an overthinker and i know that i’m always scared when it comes to dating and relationships."

 

I think you could have cut him a tiny bit of slack and waited it out a little bit to see if he would contact you and explain/redeem himself. Instead, you overthought the situation and pre-empted any possibility of that happening by telling him you're moving on. I would have just left the ball in his court.

 

"he will get back to me at noon and confirm the date." -- To me this means that if you don't hear from him by noon to give details, etc., it means that there is no date . . . yet you "waited til 10 pm"???? I wouldn't wait around like that for a guy I'd only had two dates with. Hell, I wouldn't wait around for hours for my current SO So if you're going to be mad at someone, be mad at yourself.

 

Stop worrying about ghosting -- it's the ghosts from your past that are the problem.

[Redhead14]

1. He has anxiety disorders and since he is busy and overloaded at work, he is not really thinking about me right now.

 

Drop the last part -- "he is not really thinking about me right now" - You have no idea what or who he is thinking about. The only thing you do know is that he has anxiety disorders and is busy and overloaded.

 

Stop adding the negative thinking.

 

On top of all that, he'd only had two dates with you and you told him to hit the road because you become over anxious about a perceived sleight when common sense would say that he didn't owe you anything and didn't do anything wrong yet. You just had higher expectations about what he mean't about confirming a possible date.

 

2. He is not that into me.

 

You're too into him and expecting him to be acting like he's really into you when it's only been two dates.

 

3. He doesn't think he has to text me all the time, everyday ( although he did since we matched on tinder ).

 

He doesn't have to text you everyday and he only "missed" one day and you know he's been busy and has a life. Missing one day means nothing. If it's a pattern, it's another story. You didn't have or give enough time to observe whether it would be a pattern. And the only way to do that is to sit back and stop trying to anticipate and control situations and/or people.

[toomanyquestions123]

<snip>

 

He doesn't have to text you everyday and he only "missed" one day and you know he's been busy and has a life. Missing one day means nothing. If it's a pattern, it's another story. You didn't have or give enough time to observe whether it would be a pattern. And the only way to do that is to sit back and stop trying to anticipate and control situations and/or people.

 

Tough but i need to hear that. I guess i am used to a certain rythm when it comes to dating add to it my insecurities from all the *******s from my past. Sending him this message was a MISTAKE but it seems he passed over it and acted like it didnt happen for xyz reasons. But my fairytale unrealistical idea of a guy hitting on a girl and wants to pursue her is idealistic in my mind ( calls, messages, loads of dates ). But this is not the reality on papers; i am so traumatized from past relationships that i think i should seek a therapist.

 

On the other hand, i wish he can use a consistent pattern when it comes to communication, for example l, yesterday he called me and we talked a lot. Today, he still didnt talk to me, and i dont know when i need to initiate a convo with him because he told me he is overloaded now, and at the same time i dont want him to feel like i dont care or something. I will not initiate any convo until he is done with work.

 

Plus, i do have anxiety but i dont have anxiety DISORDER and social anxiety that makes you take pills and act weird in society, im not judging but im just wondering if this will be good to me or no.

Edited January 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[toomanyquestions123]

Sorry to bother you LS community again, but i do not want to "ruin" this again and i want to know what to do; So yesterday at nine, he texted me saying he just finished work and he's in bed, we chatted briefly and asked me about my day, he then sent me a picture of a burger, i told him order it, he said he doesnt like to eat alone, i told him we can order one day together so u wont eat alone, he told me are u asking me out to my place? i told him not necessarily but possible someday he was like LOL. Does this guy sole purpose is to bring me to his place ? plus he told me on FRIDAY AND WEEKEND he is off and work free, i expect him to ask me out on one of these days right? since the last date was 10 days before. ANY FEEDBACK AND HELP IS APPRECIATED. thank you

[kamani]

I haven't dated recently, nor have I read all the posts but most.

 

Text him and say you'd like to meet him in one of his free days and ask him to let you know. Pass the ball to his court.

 

Then set your expectations low and keep dating other men.

[d0nnivain]

Sorry to bother you LS community again, but i do not want to "ruin" this again and i want to know what to do; So yesterday at nine, he texted me saying he just finished work and he's in bed, we chatted briefly and asked me about my day, he then sent me a picture of a burger, i told him order it, he said he doesnt like to eat alone, i told him we can order one day together so u wont eat alone, he told me are u asking me out to my place? i told him not necessarily but possible someday he was like LOL. Does this guy sole purpose is to bring me to his place ? plus he told me on FRIDAY AND WEEKEND he is off and work free, i expect him to ask me out on one of these days right? since the last date was 10 days before. ANY FEEDBACK AND HELP IS APPRECIATED. thank you

 

Do you want to date him? Are you prepared for his differences?

 

If you want to date him, reach out & ask him on a date to get burgers out on Friday. Do not order in. If you go to each other's houses he will think you are "on the menu". Given how unsteady you feel as you navigate your way with this guy who is not chasing you the way you prefer, adding sex to this mix right now will only make you bonkers. Don't do that to yourself.

[toomanyquestions123]

I dont want to ask him out, I want him to ask me out, i already hinted it out that I'm free this weekend and should chill also and take a break from work. That's what i can do, but i dont want to ask him out because he is the one who was busy for the last 2 weeks. But it would be really weird if he doesnt ask me out this weekend and he is free, i will reconsider things in my mind. I hope he does...lets see if he will...

 

As for the differences, I need a little bit time to know if i can accept them or no, im still in a dilemma concerning this.

Edited January 17, 2019 by toomanyquestions123

[Redhead14]

". . . but i dont have anxiety DISORDER and social anxiety that makes you take pills and act weird in society"

 

OP, if anxiety is interfering with one or more aspects of a person's life, i.e. relationships or jobs, etc., technically, it would be classified to the level of disordered . . .

 

Everyone has periods of anxiety, stress, etc. but if the person is otherwise emotionally healthy and it doesn't destroy, interfere with or otherwise cause problems between significant others or jobs, etc., it's just plain old anxiety.

 

Your anxiety has reached a higher plain.

[d0nnivain]

I dont want to ask him out, I want him to ask me out, i already hinted it out that I'm free this weekend

 

 

In light of the fact that you sent that break up text, I think the ball is in your court. I also think you are being too passive in your own life. You can't sit in your hands & hope that somebody else picks up on your hints especially when you have delivered decidedly mixed messages. Do it your way if you like but I expect you will be dateless. Then again I certainly would not have predicted that he would gloss over the break up so easily, so what do I know?