Long-term problem; unable to get dates

[LightWave93]

Girl at dance class is taken. Damn shame as she's actually really amazing.

[basil67]

HAnyway, went out last night and I think a few tried to dance with me. A group of girls were nearby for quite some time and two blondes were close to me / (I think) looking in my direction. Then when I was dancing solo for a bit as my friends went off somewhere, they moved to be near me...or at least that's how it seemed. I didn't pull the trigger....

 

So is complete inaction in the fact of obvious interest the thing which stops you from dating? Given how keen you are to have a girlfriend, why didn't you ask one of the interested women to dance? Seems like you walked away from something being handed to you on a platter.

[Morello]

Girls like guys who have the balls to take initiative and go talk to them or invite them for a dance. Even when you do, they expect you to do it confidently, almost feeling certain they say will yes to you. It makes all difference. I began to implement this in my life some years ago and despite of my looks being only average if most, I got quite a lot of success. At least much more than I had before.

 

I always found fascinating how guys with very little to offer both in looks and personality would approach girls very confidently and get them to make out with them. It's all in the mindset. You almost have to be a bit arrogant and think within yourself that you have what it takes and if she says no, the next will say yes. So even if you get a rejection, you brush it off because you're not coming from a mindset of scarcity. The scarcity mindset is exactly the one you're operating from and it's certainly showing.

 

Maybe due to your lack of recent success, you're coming from a place of little confidence and it may be showing off. Like when you mentioned the girl you drank with, danced with, went to the same bed and she said no to sex. You didn't even make out with her? How did it play out? Did you straight ask for sex? I found that one a bit concerning.

 

You must be giving very little sexual energy for a girl to go to a bed with you and not even make out and expect everything to turn out ok. It's almost like she didn't even see you as a sexual being, because if she did, she wouldn't probably put yourself in that situation that can become even dangerous for her.

 

The way you describe things sounds really off.

Edited January 18, 2019 by Morello

[elaine567]

Women like confidence yes but women like guys who make it obvious that HE wants HER and is willing to show her how much, by talking, buying a drink, dancing, asking for a date... etc.etc.

He doesn't need to wow the room or be the biggest "alpha" around, he just needs to have enough faith in himself to show her he is focussed in on her and her alone.

If he is wishy washy about her or is too interested in everything else that is going on and not paying attention to her, then she will pick up on that and be turned off, unless she has very low esteem or is desperate, neither of which are good things.

It is also about picking your target well.

Trying to "convince" someone who basically isn't interested, is a complete waste of time, no matter how much YOU may want them.

[elaine567]

You must be giving very little sexual energy for a girl to go to a bed with you and not even make out and expect everything to turn out ok. It's almost like she didn't even see you as a sexual being, because if she did, she wouldn't probably put yourself in that situation that can become even dangerous for her.

 

I think that is the problem.

He is everyone's good friend.

OP

I note you say you were accused of sexual assault, could it be you have ramped your sexuality so far back so as not to offend, you are coming across as asexual. Surrounding yourself with a wall of platonic girl friends further increases your sense of security.

[Garcon1986]

Can the women in the crowd share with us an example of giving exemplary sexual energy which is not creepy? Just escalate all the time up to the limit of the woman’s comfort level?

[thefooloftheyear]

Can the women in the crowd share with us an example of giving exemplary sexual energy which is not creepy? Just escalate all the time up to the limit of the woman’s comfort level?

 

It's pointless to ask that question...

 

Two guys can do the exact same move/same words, same energy and it will be seen by the the same woman as either awesome and attractive or horrendously bad and creepy...

 

It's not something that can clearly be defined...

 

TFY

[Garcon1986]

I would argue that there is a point to that question- people who don’t do it well have something to learn from more successful men right?

[elaine567]

It's pointless to ask that question...

Two guys can do the exact same move/same words, same energy and it will be seen by the the same woman as either awesome and attractive or horrendously bad and creepy...

It's not something that can clearly be defined...

TFY

Exactly.

There is no guaranteed formula.

Women are individuals, men are individuals and the mood, the atmosphere, the chemistry felt may alter everything.

Get it right and it can be magical, get it wrong then it is all ruined.

 

The art is knowing when it is perceived as horrendously bad and creepy, realising it is hopeless and a waste of time and walking away.

 

 

BTW I don't think a guy escalating all the time till he reaches my comfort level is particularly sexy.

[thefooloftheyear]

I would argue that there is a point to that question- people who don’t do it well have something to learn from more successful men right?

 

 

You are making the same mistake a lot of other guys do..

 

You are looking for a manual or blueprint...It doesn't exist...I have friends that are good with women that can talk the leg off a chair...I know others(like myself) who can get by without, because that's not what would be natural for those types of men...

 

You can't learn anything from other successful men...You aren't them...What works for them won't work for you...I guarantee it..

 

TFY

[LightWave93]

So is complete inaction in the fact of obvious interest the thing which stops you from dating? Given how keen you are to have a girlfriend, why didn't you ask one of the interested women to dance? Seems like you walked away from something being handed to you on a platter.

 

If this was indeed an opportunities, then occurrences such as these have only been happening in the last...two months? Before then I was a ghost as far as women were concerned.

 

Okay, sure, I could have perhaps "made a move" that particular night. It seemed as if she were trying to dance with me, but I still can't say for certain. The next stage is finding the confidence to make that move; in any other setting I would be fine, but despite being an okay dancer and not a heavy drinker, I don't really know what to do in that environment.

 

At the very least, compared to the two men who were literally standing next to my friend doing nothing, and one of them saying "I won't leave you alone until we go home together", I'd like to think I don't come across as an utter creep.

 

I always found fascinating how guys with very little to offer both in looks and personality would approach girls very confidently and get them to make out with them. It's all in the mindset. You almost have to be a bit arrogant and think within yourself that you have what it takes and if she says no, the next will say yes. So even if you get a rejection, you brush it off because you're not coming from a mindset of scarcity. The scarcity mindset is exactly the one you're operating from and it's certainly showing.

 

I was talking to my counselor about this yesterday. I'm not worried about rejection; it happens, and I've experienced it. In club / bar environments, I'm not sure what holds me back.

 

And, ultimately, this still wouldn't explain why I can't find luck elsewhere (events, online dating etc).

 

Maybe due to your lack of recent success, you're coming from a place of little confidence and it may be showing off. Like when you mentioned the girl you drank with, danced with, went to the same bed and she said no to sex. You didn't even make out with her? How did it play out? Did you straight ask for sex? I found that one a bit concerning.

 

I walked her home. She said we were not having sex. I was fine with that. I don't attempt to sleep with everyone that has a vagina.

 

You must be giving very little sexual energy for a girl to go to a bed with you and not even make out and expect everything to turn out ok. It's almost like she didn't even see you as a sexual being, because if she did, she wouldn't probably put yourself in that situation that can become even dangerous for her.

 

She is a virgin, as far as I know. Maybe, just maybe, she wants to wait for the right person?

 

I note you say you were accused of sexual assault, could it be you have ramped your sexuality so far back so as not to offend, you are coming across as asexual. Surrounding yourself with a wall of platonic girl friends further increases your sense of security.

 

Correction: I was accused of abuse. No sexual context.

 

The friendships I have, have simply formed naturally. For example; tonight I planned on visiting ONE female friend, and she's now invited a whole group. It simply just happens.

 

I meet guys when I hang out with my guy friends, but as I've said...my male friends are introverted, and I tend not to get on with the extroverted type (not as in I don't try, we don't click).

[LightWave93]

Let it never be said that I don't come on here without some positivity.

 

I went out last night; had a good time with friends, drank a fair amount. I think about two girls tried to dance with me, but again was a combination of not knowing the signs and not knowing what to do.

 

I'd traveled to do this night out so when everyone started to go back home early, i opted to stay. I didn't dance on my own this time around, and stood by the bar with a drink. There were a couple of other lads doing similar. A girl came up right next to me to order a drink, looked at me, I said hi, asked her who she was with etc, then suggested we dance. We did for about 20 seconds before she started making out with me, and long-story short I ended up at her place for more make-out (no sex).

 

Here's the odd thing; the morning-after was fine, we were chatting a fair amount and had a good laugh etc. got her social media, she drove me back to where I was supposed to be staying and kissed me goodbye. Said she'd like to meet again. Messaged me later. After a bit of a break from back-and-forth chat, I went to respond only to notice she may have deleted me; I was still able to send messages and she did respond (although not any longer), but the indicators that she had removed me were there. I've still got her on another social media site though. So, I am confused. Ultimately it doesn't matter; I'm not too fussed about staying in contact. I just want to know why she deleted me, if indeed she did. I can't see any red flags.

 

So yeah, there we go. I'd rather you guys not dismiss my struggle just yet because otherwise chances are I'll have another four year of nothingness. Read the above and see what you think?

[nospam99]

I said hi, asked her who she was with etc, then suggested we dance. We did for about 20 seconds before she started making out with me, and long-story short I ended up at her place for more make-out (no sex).

 

Help an 'old guy' to understand ....

You're the OP starting a thread about 'unable to get dates'. Here you met a girl/woman in a bar for the first time, asked her to dance, went home with her, made out, and slept over. How is that NOT a date? Are you restricting your definition of a date to prescheduled time spent with a woman you already know with the purpose of developing a romantic relationship? And what kind of dancing are you talking about? (As a ballroom dancer, when I say 'dance' I'm talking about a partner dance with lead and follow. With a platonic dance partner, it's a sport - think Dancing with the Stars. With a dating partner, it very easily becomes intimate tactile communication, making out with rules and limits - think 'the vertical expression of a horizontal desire'.)

 

Didn't take me long to find this

Edited January 19, 2019 by nospam99

[LightWave93]

The thread is essentially about my interactions with women in general and why I don't get dates / laid. Ultimately I would like to find a partner at some point, but ANYTHING at this moment is a bonus. Save the aforementioned occurrence yesterday, I've had nothing for quite some time.

 

Definition of date for me is as you described, "prescheduled time spent with a woman you already know with the purpose of developing a romantic relationship". Ultimately what happened last night was a positive experience given how I've been trying for four years at university to have a one-night stand (or rough equivalent), but now I'm left wondering;

 

- What enabled that to happen / Why did it happen after so long?

- Could it happen again?

- Did I do the rights things?

- Why did she (possibly) cut off contact with me?

 

Again, ultimately it's not about the end result. It's typical not to speak after such events, at least as far as I know, but given the positivity prior to that...I'm wondering what puiled the trigger.

Edited January 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact quote of immediately preceding post

[sabaton]

<SNIP>

Tinder and such like have been a disaster. I've been on different forums etc to have my profiles and bio reviewed only to be told I'm fine, and although I have had some minor success (EG. 200+ matches in two days), I've not been able to get dates or hookups from them. I've also had my conversations reviewed and apparently they are fine too. I've had experiences where I may get a girls number, but they ghost the moment I suggest a meet (when otherwise, up until that very much, they have been quite receptive).

 

So yeah, looking for suggestions or ideas really.

 

 

If you get 200 matches in 2 days on tinder, and I'm assuming with attractive women, I'm going to go ahead and assume you look like a fitness model.

 

Shouldn't be too hard. Flirt with them. Hit on them. Be sexual. It's tinder, not the Church, they won't mind.

Edited January 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[basil67]

but again was a combination of not knowing the signs and not knowing what to do.

 

Congratulations - I think you've identified a major contributor to what you're doing wrong. Identifying the issue gets you half way to fixing it.

[LightWave93]

Congratulations - I think you've identified a major contributor to what you're doing wrong. Identifying the issue gets you half way to fixing it.

 

I don't think so. The opportunity arose and I took it, which is something I've been telling you guys for the past few years.

 

It's the lack of opportunity that is the issue. It's only been in the last few weeks that I've had some interest in clubs, but firstly I need to understand why that is the case and how to replicate it, and how I can boost my chances in other environments.

[sabaton]

I don't think so. The opportunity arose and I took it, which is something I've been telling you guys for the past few years.<snip>.

 

What do you mean you can't identify the signals? Women are obvious with the signals they send, even more so women who take part in the nightlife. I'm a nightclub bartender. Every night I see lots of men taking women home. Shouldn't be too hard for you.

 

Women's signals of interest are easy to figure out. They don't stop staring at you. They smile at you. They initiate and maintain eye contact with you and take time to break it away, only to start it again with you. They check you out from the crown of your head down and then from your feet up to the crown of your head.

 

They touch their hair, they play with it. They expose their neck and touch it while looking at you. They have a big smile exposing all of their teeth. Their feet are aimed in your direction. They have ample space and areas to be in, but they happen to be near you.

 

Most men in their mid teens figure out this. What's keeping you? If you suffer from autism and can't read a woman, if you can't read facial expressions or body language then you need to consult a specialist who can help you out.

 

 

It's only been in the last few weeks that I've had some interest in clubs, but firstly I need to understand why that is the case and how to replicate it, and how I can boost my chances in other environments.

I'm very confused. Are you from a conservative culture and only recently you've been exposed to western women? The reason why you've had interest from women in night clubs is because they were horny and they were attracted to you. Physical attraction. They thought you were hot. How do you replicate this? Well, you go to a nightclub, you see a woman checking you out, you look at who's near her, and if she's with other women and not with men, you go up to her and you say hello. Talk. You ain't getting laid without saying hello at least. Edited January 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[LightWave93]

<snip>

 

Most men in their mid teens figure out this. What's keeping you? If you suffer from autism and can't read a woman, if you can't read facial expressions or body language then you need to consult a specialist who can help you out.

 

I'm very confused. Are you from a conservative culture and only recently you've been exposed to western women? <snip>

 

No, I'm not autistic.

 

The signs are subtle. I've rarely if ever seen what you've described, at least aimed towards me (if ever). It's only been in the last few weeks that it seems women have tried to dance with me; before that there was nothing at all. Hence this thread; I thought (think?) I am undesirable.

 

Nope, not conservative. I've been going to nightclubs for about four years now, regularly.

Edited January 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[sabaton]

No, I'm not autistic.

 

The signs are subtle. I've rarely if ever seen what you've described, at least aimed towards me (if ever). It's only been in the last few weeks that it seems women have tried to dance with me; before that there was nothing at all. Hence this thread; I thought (think?) I am undesirable.

 

Nope, not conservative. I've been going to nightclubs for about four years now, regularly.

 

I assure you that if you get 200 matches on tinder in 2 days, you are an attractive man, and women, remarkably more the women who are into casual sex - which is what many of the women who go to nightclubs are there for - have no problems making their attraction for you known.

 

They'll either approach you or they'll make it known to you that they want to be approached by you.

 

You are not undesirable. You don't need to look like him- > http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lh8EW6MtVRA/UW1kmSWbI3I/AAAAAAAAYd0/u9jpJFSP7ZU/s1600/cristiano-ronaldo-real-madrid-shirtless-body-2010-2011-pre-season.jpg

 

To be attractive to at least some women. Go to nightclubs long enough, and you'll end up bringing someone home. I've never met a man who couldn't take at least one woman home once a month. There's nothing wrong with you, you just need to be assertive and to APPROACH women.

[elaine567]

Well, you go to a nightclub, you see a woman checking you out, you look at who's near her, and if she's with other women and not with men, you go up to her and you say hello. .

 

 

Same applies to women trying to catch your eye, but with your harem of platonic gfs, she is likely going to turn away as you appear already taken. One of those girls she will surmise, is bound to be your gf...and she can do without the drama...

[LightWave93]

I assure you that if you get 200 matches on tinder in 2 days, you are an attractive man, and women, remarkably more the women who are into casual sex - which is what many of the women who go to nightclubs are there for - have no problems making their attraction for you known. <snip>

 

The entire point of this thread is that I don't attract women (read: consistently, apparently). Yes, I once got 200 matches on Tinder...and not one of them turned into a hookup, date etc.

 

The post I made previously about a "half-night stand" is the first one of it's kind for me. I got lucky. Unless I can determine why I'm not the guy who takes home a woman once a month, I'm likely to revert back to being kissless for another four years.

 

Same applies to women trying to catch your eye, but with your harem of platonic gfs, she is likely going to turn away as you appear already taken. One of those girls she will surmise, is bound to be your gf...and she can do without the drama...

 

How would you like it if someone implied / suggested to ditch your friends? I can also tell you that the results are the same irrespective of who I hang out with (or, indeed, if I'm solo).

 

I value them, and am sticking with them. End of.

Edited January 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[thefooloftheyear]

 

 

How would you like it if someone implied / suggested to ditch your friends? I can also tell you that the results are the same irrespective of who I hang out with (or, indeed, if I'm solo).

 

I value them, and am sticking with them. End of.

 

Don't be so quick to discard this advice....She is actually dead on...

 

Women don't view grown men that have a lot of female friends favorably....Practically never...And successful/desirable men usually don't have female friends...if they do, they are well in the periphery...

 

TFY

[Garcon1986]

Old chap you don’t have to literally lose friends. Try going to more events solo than with your friendgirls.

[LightWave93]

Don't be so quick to discard this advice....She is actually dead on...

 

Women don't view grown men that have a lot of female friends favorably....Practically never...And successful/desirable men usually don't have female friends...if they do, they are well in the periphery...

 

TFY

 

If someone is going to judge me by the (good) company I keep, then they're not worthy of my time anyway. I'm not interested in someone that is judgmental.

 

And as I've already explained in the previous thread, my friends are pretty much a 50/50 split in terms of male to female ratio. Why this remains a point of contention I do not know.

 

EDIT:

 

And I know men who have mostly female friends, almost exclusively, and have no issues with dating.