Long-term problem; unable to get dates

[clia]

Last time I bought a girl a drink at a club, she walked off.

 

When was this? Tell us about it.

 

Women looking at me are few and far between.

 

You just told us about three women looking at you the other night.

 

And you told us about a woman who you met at a party, spent the night talking to and dancing with, walked home, and slept in her bed.

 

Are you waiting for women to make a move on you, is that it?

 

The next time you see a woman who might possibly be looking at you at a club, you and your buddy (not a female friend) should walk over to her and her friends and strike up a conversation. If they don't seem receptive, no big deal, walk away. You need a wingman for this. This is what men do at clubs.

 

I'm starting to think the devil is in the details here and maybe if you provide more detailed information about your interactions with women you might get some more specific advice about what you could be doing differently. Forgive me, but I can't remember -- are you actually approaching women, hitting on them, flirting, etc.? I was trying to dig in about the girl you walked home and slept in bed with on your other thread, but you didn't seem to want to talk about it.

[elaine567]

The next time you see a woman who might possibly be looking at you at a club, you and your buddy (not a female friend) should walk over to her and her friends and strike up a conversation. If they don't seem receptive, no big deal, walk away. You need a wingman for this. This is what men do at clubs.

Yes.

...and I will say it again, these close female friends hanging around you, are doing you no favours whatsoever.

YOU know it is platonic, but how is any woman at the bar/club to know that. She sees you with females, one even kissed you too, so she is not going to want be part of that "harem" is she?

[ElKay]

Yes.

...and I will say it again, these close female friends hanging around you, are doing you no favours whatsoever.

YOU know it is platonic, but how is any woman at the bar/club to know that. She sees you with females, one even kissed you too, so she is not going to want be part of that "harem" is she?

 

I agree! My friends and I would all have assumed you were dating her. There goes a big proportion of women that might otherwise have been interested.

[LightWave93]

When was this? Tell us about it.

 

This was over a year ago now. There's not a lot to tell. Girl was stood next to me by the bar, swapped sides to the way I was facing and looked back, so took this as a sign. I said hello, made small talk, bought her a drink, never saw her again.

 

You just told us about three women looking at you the other night.

 

POSSIBLY.

 

And you told us about a woman who you met at a party, spent the night talking to and dancing with, walked home, and slept in her bed.

 

Who is now a friend. I don't see the relevance.

 

Are you waiting for women to make a move on you, is that it?

 

I would like tangible evidence to support this alleged fact that I'm an "attractive, desirable" male. Given how the difference between how women interact with me compared to others is night and day, how I'm never approached (and this does happen with others), how I can't get a date / hookup through Tinder in a university city, how women don't make eye-contact with me...I have no reason to believe that I am, and thus don't approach. There's no point.

 

The next time you see a woman who might possibly be looking at you at a club, you and your buddy (not a female friend) should walk over to her and her friends and strike up a conversation. If they don't seem receptive, no big deal, walk away. You need a wingman for this. This is what men do at clubs.

 

I don't have any suitable male friends who would be good wingmen.

 

I was trying to dig in about the girl you walked home and slept in bed with on your other thread, but you didn't seem to want to talk about it.

 

I'm happy to talk about it; I was being criticized for not sleeping with someone who made it clear she didn't want to have sex. I've already been accused of abuse, I'm not going down that road of forcefulness.

 

Yes.

...and I will say it again, these close female friends hanging around you, are doing you no favours whatsoever.

YOU know it is platonic, but how is any woman at the bar/club to know that. She sees you with females, one even kissed you too, so she is not going to want be part of that "harem" is she?

 

That kiss example has only happened once. As for the rest of your post; I can see your point, however I don't fond of the idea on going to the club alone.

 

---------------------

 

I was feeling meh today as my mind was preoccupied with this. I was reading a thread online about men who had slept with 100+ women, and felt inadequate. It doesn't help I'm at university at the moment and see attractive women everywhere, non of which would ever date / sleep with me. I saw a girl look at me in the corridor, twice, so the second time I smiled and she instantly looked away. An hour later I ended up walking out of class and crying in the toilets. Not specifically because of her, mind...I feel defeated.

 

I honestly feel like no one understands me about this, and that I will never find a solution.

[Blanco]

Next time you're at a bar/club setting and see someone who catches your eye, why not have one of your female friends wrangle in her with some innocent chit-chat? I've been casually introduced to quite a few attractive girls over the years because a platonic woman friend/associate struck up a conversation with that person and then introduced us. Unless the woman is completely stuck up, she'll be receptive to your friend's banter and a subsequent introduction to you.

[LightWave93]

Next time you're at a bar/club setting and see someone who catches your eye, why not have one of your female friends wrangle in her with some innocent chit-chat? I've been casually introduced to quite a few attractive girls over the years because a platonic woman friend/associate struck up a conversation with that person and then introduced us. Unless the woman is completely stuck up, she'll be receptive to your friend's banter and a subsequent introduction to you.

 

Pretty much the same as wingmanning, right?

 

I've asked in the past, it simply never happens though.

[clia]

Who is now a friend. I don't see the relevance.

 

The relevance is that you met her, talked to her danced with her, walked her home, slept in her bed, and at some point during all of that she decided she had no interest in dating you. Maybe if we look at how things went down we can figure out where things fell apart for you. When, specifically, did she tell you she only wanted to be friends? At the party? At her house? When you were out for coffee?

 

I would like tangible evidence to support this alleged fact that I'm an "attractive, desirable" male.

 

Given your situation, I would not assume that this is a fact.

 

Given how the difference between how women interact with me compared to others is night and day, how I'm never approached (and this does happen with others), how I can't get a date / hookup through Tinder in a university city, how women don't make eye-contact with me...I have no reason to believe that I am, and thus don't approach. There's no point.

 

So you concede that it is not a fact that you are attractive and desirable?

 

As someone else pointed out to you in the other thread, a lot of women simply will not approach. They throw out hints that they are interested and want the man to come over. Sure, there are exceptions to that rule, especially when alcohol is involved, but you clearly are not a guy who women approach, so there is no use in dwelling on it. (Of course some of this could be due to you hanging out with women. Personally, I would never approach a guy who was out with other women because I would think he was either with one of them or gay.) I would think most guys aren't getting approached by women left and right, though, so you are in good company.

 

I don't have any suitable male friends who would be good wingmen.

 

Well, you need some. If you want to meet a woman when you are out at bars and clubs, you need male friends with you. You can't go alone because that comes across as creepy, and a guy surrounded by female friends is usually assume to be either gay or dating one of them.

 

I was feeling meh today as my mind was preoccupied with this. I was reading a thread online about men who had slept with 100+ women, and felt inadequate. It doesn't help I'm at university at the moment and see attractive women everywhere, non of which would ever date / sleep with me. I saw a girl look at me in the corridor, twice, so the second time I smiled and she instantly looked away. An hour later I ended up walking out of class and crying in the toilets. Not specifically because of her, mind...I feel defeated.

 

I honestly feel like no one understands me about this, and that I will never find a solution.

 

Chin up. You will find a solution eventually. You are very young and have years ahead of you to date.

[LightWave93]

The relevance is that you met her, talked to her danced with her, walked her home, slept in her bed, and at some point during all of that she decided she had no interest in dating you. Maybe if we look at how things went down we can figure out where things fell apart for you. When, specifically, did she tell you she only wanted to be friends? At the party? At her house? When you were out for coffee?

 

We met at a house party. I barely spoke to her at that event and it wasn't until we changed location that I got speaking to her more, made her laugh etc. By the time we got to the nightclub, most of the group had split off and it was really only me, her, and a mutual friend that was dancing. I bought her a drink, just for the sake of it. At one point it was just the two of us dancing. We got food, I walked her home (which was a fair distance from where I was supposed to be staying), and I slept over. She randomly said that I came across as "mysterious" and that I seemed like a cool guy (and similar sentiments were echo'd by another girl last week).

 

It's never been explicitly stated however the general demeanor of our interactions indicate friendship, which I am fine with. I don't think we'd make a good fit romantically anyway.

 

Given your situation, I would not assume that this is a fact.

 

And I would also agree, but fact of the matter is I've also got friends, family, mental health professionals, coaches, strangers online and off etc telling me otherwise. Just the other week I met up with someone I'd been speaking to online about my issues and, no word of a lie, they said "I have absolutely no idea why you can't find anyone!". I encourage any UK-based members here to do the same; I'd be more than happy to.

 

As someone else pointed out to you in the other thread, a lot of women simply will not approach. They throw out hints that they are interested and want the man to come over. Sure, there are exceptions to that rule, especially when alcohol is involved, but you clearly are not a guy who women approach, so there is no use in dwelling on it. (Of course some of this could be due to you hanging out with women. Personally, I would never approach a guy who was out with other women because I would think he was either with one of them or gay.) I would think most guys aren't getting approached by women left and right, though, so you are in good company.

 

I accept it's generally the man's job to do the approaching. However, I have witnessed first-hand situations where it has occurred, like not too long back when the most miserable looking guy at a club was approached by two girls on separate occasions.

 

Then, on the flip side, I am the type to approach. It's how I made most of my friends, female or otherwise.

 

Well, you need some. If you want to meet a woman when you are out at bars and clubs, you need male friends with you. You can't go alone because that comes across as creepy, and a guy surrounded by female friends is usually assume to be either gay or dating one of them.

 

And I have said, I don't fit in with the typical boisterous, "masculine" men that inhabit these environments. I'm an introverted extrovert. I also don't have the same experience that these men do when it comes to women. Academically, financially, professionally, materialistically, aesthetically I may be "better", but I drew the short-straw when it comes to the opposite sex.

 

Chin up. You will find a solution eventually. You are very young and have years ahead of you to date.

 

I'm soon to graduate with a Masters degree after having spent four years at university. I've not had any opportunity to date / have sex during that time; I won't ever know what it's like to take a young, attractive woman to my dorm after a night out or get a cheeky kiss at a house party.

 

I've missed out, and I refuse to be the man that gets settled for. I'm worth more than that.

Edited January 15, 2019 by LightWave93

[some_username1]

The relevance is that you met her, talked to her danced with her, walked her home, slept in her bed, and at some point during all of that she decided she had no interest in dating you. Maybe if we look at how things went down we can figure out where things fell apart for you. When, specifically, did she tell you she only wanted to be friends? At the party? At her house? When you were out for coffee?

 

 

 

Given your situation, I would not assume that this is a fact.

 

 

 

So you concede that it is not a fact that you are attractive and desirable?

 

As someone else pointed out to you in the other thread, a lot of women simply will not approach. They throw out hints that they are interested and want the man to come over. Sure, there are exceptions to that rule, especially when alcohol is involved, but you clearly are not a guy who women approach, so there is no use in dwelling on it. (Of course some of this could be due to you hanging out with women. Personally, I would never approach a guy who was out with other women because I would think he was either with one of them or gay.) I would think most guys aren't getting approached by women left and right, though, so you are in good company.

 

 

 

Well, you need some. If you want to meet a woman when you are out at bars and clubs, you need male friends with you. You can't go alone because that comes across as creepy, and a guy surrounded by female friends is usually assume to be either gay or dating one of them.

 

 

 

Chin up. You will find a solution eventually. You are very young and have years ahead of you to date.

 

Absolutely not at all- this is a big fallacy that holds guys back. I'm living in a big city where I don't have much of a social circle because I work from home and my friends live 100 miles away or so, so my options are either to sit on my thumbs and have no life or just go out on my own and not worry about what people think of me.

 

The trick for a man with no social circle is finding the right place to go, having the right attitude and looking the right way. In fact, the other week when I went out on my own I had a young woman walk up to me be and fairly insistent on talking to me, I say insistent because I politely brushed off her initial opening "Hi!" as she looked a bit on the young side for me (I look about 8-10 years younger than my actual age). She came back a few minutes later to have another go so I nipped it in the bud by bringing up the subject of age and when she heard my real age she ran off pretty sharpish I also shared a joke with another woman who was passing by, bit of chat with the female bar staff etc.

 

So there you go, if you carry yourself right, find the right place, project confidence and dress attractively it's not impossible to go out on your own and meet people...

[some_username1]

We met at a house party. I barely spoke to her at that event and it wasn't until we changed location that I got speaking to her more, made her laugh etc. By the time we got to the nightclub, most of the group had split off and it was really only me, her, and a mutual friend that was dancing. I bought her a drink, just for the sake of it. At one point it was just the two of us dancing. We got food, I walked her home (which was a fair distance from where I was supposed to be staying), and I slept over. She randomly said that I came across as "mysterious" and that I seemed like a cool guy (and similar sentiments were echo'd by another girl last week).

 

It's never been explicitly stated however the general demeanor of our interactions indicate friendship, which I am fine with. I don't think we'd make a good fit romantically anyway.

 

 

 

And I would also agree, but fact of the matter is I've also got friends, family, mental health professionals, coaches, strangers online and off etc telling me otherwise. Just the other week I met up with someone I'd been speaking to online about my issues and, no word of a lie, they said "I have absolutely no idea why you can't find anyone!". I encourage any UK-based members here to do the same; I'd be more than happy to.

 

 

 

I accept it's generally the man's job to do the approaching. However, I have witnessed first-hand situations where it has occurred, like not too long back when the most miserable looking guy at a club was approached by two girls on separate occasions.

 

Then, on the flip side, I am the type to approach. It's how I made most of my friends, female or otherwise.

 

 

 

And I have said, I don't fit in with the typical boisterous, "masculine" men that inhabit these environments. I'm an introverted extrovert. I also don't have the same experience that these men do when it comes to women. Academically, financially, professionally, materialistically, aesthetically I may be "better", but I drew the short-straw when it comes to the opposite sex.

 

 

 

I'm soon to graduate with a Masters degree after having spent four years at university. I've not had any opportunity to date / have sex during that time; I won't ever know what it's like to take a young, attractive woman to my dorm after a night out or get a cheeky kiss at a house party.

 

I've missed out, and I refuse to be the man that gets settled for. I'm worth more than that.

 

With respect OP, you have to use a balance of probabilities here and ask yourself bluntly "would these people who are close to you have any reason to tell you anything other than the brutal truth and risk hurting your feelings?"

 

Again, with respect, your posting style indicates that you can bring a bit of ego into your responses if people come up with things you have heard before/don't want to hear so if that happens in real life it makes it even more likely that people won't risk being totally honest.

 

I've been through this all before myself. All my friends when asked give me such wishy washy answers usually all packaged up with a ribbon of "you'll find someone eventually" on top and it is such trite and anodyne advice it made me want to scream. But yet I don't blame them - they have their own lives and their own problems and don't have the time to help me with the huge amount of work I needed to sort my self out. It was a journey I had to go on myself.

 

Now with that in mind I would compare your friends with the people you see on the street and in bars. They have much less skin in the game than your friends, they don't know you and don't care about your feelings and from what you are saying you are pretty much invisible to them. So personally I would be taking that as gospel- let's be fair, you don't want to date your friends so what they say should have little bearing anyway. You want to date the woman in the street who isn't looking at you. So you have to get her to look at you.

 

I'm not sure there are any easy answers to this. Science is your best friend though. Start reading about female psychology and what women are attracted to visually in terms of dress etc. Also project an air of confidence and devil may care. Open body language, great posture, smile a lot etc. Try and give off the vibe of a guy you would like to be friends with. It may not sound like a lot but these are the things within your sphere of influence, you can't make someone notice you or be attracted to you, the most you can do is appeal to what they might be looking for and project yourself mentally and through your body language as if you can make someone notice you. It may work, it may not, but as I have found, it's definitely better than doing what I always did and getting what I have always got.

[Morello]

I think you might have come across as 'mysterious' to the girl you were hanging out with because you didn't send clear signals that you were attracted to her or considering kissing and making out with her. I guess that's what she refers as mysterious. It's a mystery why you're hanging out and even sleeping in her bad without making a move.

 

Maybe you're not really sending those signals to women and some of them might even think you're gay because of that. Although it's something that has to come naturally, there are some signs you can send to show sexual interest. Like looking at her lips, touching a bit and even the kind of conversation you carry.

 

It's beyond me how you can dance alone with a girl, drink with her, go to her bed and not make a move. I actually might even envy a bit all that self-control

[clia]

She randomly said that I came across as "mysterious" and that I seemed like a cool guy (and similar sentiments were echo'd by another girl last week).

 

You're a cool guy who neither of them want to date, which gets you nowhere. Do they have a friend who they can set you up with? Don't you think it's kind of strange that all these girls think you are so cool, attractive, and great, but none of them set you up with their girl friends?

 

It's never been explicitly stated however the general demeanor of our interactions indicate friendship, which I am fine with. I don't think we'd make a good fit romantically anyway.

 

In your previous thread you said "She has explicitly stated she wishes to be friends." So which is it? If you aren't interested in her, fine, but you did spend an entire evening and night with her so it seems like you were probably interested. Was the coffee thing after intended to be a date?

 

I accept it's generally the man's job to do the approaching. However, I have witnessed first-hand situations where it has occurred, like not too long back when the most miserable looking guy at a club was approached by two girls on separate occasions.

 

I'm not saying it doesn't happen; but that's moot because it doesn't happen to you. Maybe you should try sitting at a table looking miserable.

 

And I have said, I don't fit in with the typical boisterous, "masculine" men that inhabit these environments. I'm an introverted extrovert. I also don't have the same experience that these men do when it comes to women. Academically, financially, professionally, materialistically, aesthetically I may be "better", but I drew the short-straw when it comes to the opposite sex.

 

I never said you had to hang out with these types of guys. Find male friends who are similar to you who you like hanging out with and go with them. Maybe you can help each other.

 

To be honest, though, I am starting to think there might be something to the "masculine energy" issue that edgygirl and normal person raised in the last thread.

[clia]

Absolutely not at all- this is a big fallacy that holds guys back. I'm living in a big city where I don't have much of a social circle because I work from home and my friends live 100 miles away or so, so my options are either to sit on my thumbs and have no life or just go out on my own and not worry about what people think of me.

 

The trick for a man with no social circle is finding the right place to go, having the right attitude and looking the right way.

 

Okay, I actually agree with this. It also depends what he's doing and how he carries himself. There is a big difference to me between a guy sitting alone at a nicer bar or sports bar having dinner or a drink or watching a game or playing pool or otherwise entertaining himself and a guy who is lurking around groups of women clearly trying to pick up. You tend to see a lot of the latter at clubs. I really don't know what kind of establishment OP is referring to or what his nights out are like. I think the former is a lot more common for men as they get older -- traveling for business, moving, etc., don't have the friend groups they once had, have the confidence to go out for a drink or dinner by themselves locally. I see it all the time.

 

However, OP's targeted women are still in college, early-mid 20s, and OP is also in college. I just really don't think it's as common for a guy in his early/mid 20s, in college, to be out alone at a bar or club. At least, I don't often see it in places I've lived, but OP's area may vary. (And to be clear, I'm not saying I never see it.) Some women at that age may wonder why he is at a bar/club alone and doesn't have any friends. Just musing, but he could potentially get over this issue by becoming a regular somewhere.

[some_username1]

Okay, I actually agree with this. It also depends what he's doing and how he carries himself. There is a big difference to me between a guy sitting alone at a nicer bar or sports bar having dinner or a drink or watching a game or playing pool or otherwise entertaining himself and a guy who is lurking around groups of women clearly trying to pick up. You tend to see a lot of the latter at clubs. I really don't know what kind of establishment OP is referring to or what his nights out are like. I think the former is a lot more common for men as they get older -- traveling for business, moving, etc., don't have the friend groups they once had, have the confidence to go out for a drink or dinner by themselves locally. I see it all the time.

 

However, OP's targeted women are still in college, early-mid 20s, and OP is also in college. I just really don't think it's as common for a guy in his early/mid 20s, in college, to be out alone at a bar or club. At least, I don't often see it in places I've lived, but OP's area may vary. (And to be clear, I'm not saying I never see it.) Some women at that age may wonder why he is at a bar/club alone and doesn't have any friends. Just musing, but he could potentially get over this issue by becoming a regular somewhere.

 

Ha- yeah I'm definitely not the guy who stalks groups of women in a bar or club! But I guess that's just social skills 101 in many ways. I just stand at the bar looking amused, have a drink, do a bit of people watching, observe body language etc, play with my phone on occasion etc. I should also add that I avoid nightclubs at weekends- it's hard to get a foothold in places that are packed because you won't be able to keep a place at the bar and you generally don't want to end up standing around on your own. I tend to go out on Thursday nights, the places I go are usually busy enough but not too busy that I can stay at the bar with a good bit of elbow room.

 

I would say overall congruence is the key factor. I sorta agree about age but even then as I said earlier, I got pegged for 25 by a 23 year old (I'm waaay older than 25 ) - she didn't care that I was there on my own. It all depends on if you look and carry yourself like the type of guy that a particular woman wants and that comes back to congruence: choose the right venue for your target market and dress like your competition in that venue...only better. The rest is attitude and confidence and to be fair, when you think of the amount of men who stay at home because they fear the stigma of going out on their own you can take confidence just by leaving the house never mind anything else. I will add in that the student aspect can be problematic, but I would encourage the OP if going out on his own to try avoiding student places and aim for young professional women, I speak from experience when I say that students are generally quite entitled, full of **** and poor company- or at least they were at my uni

 

Hell, even congruence isn't the be all and end all- I'm reminded of before Christmas when I was waiting for public transport in a dive bar wearing rather more formal wear so I stuck out like a sore thumb amongst the grungey rockers in there. I struck up a bit of playful chat with the young cute goth barmaid and we had a good laugh to the point that as I left she called out after me and smiled and waved.

 

And that I think is ultimately the take away. Don't set goals like 'I have to sleep with x number of women by x date.' Just have a fun word for everybody, male or female, work on having a friendly, approachable vibe and keep putting yourself in places where you can have some fun chat with women that makes them feel good and then sooner or later something should stick. It's important to stress the being open to chatting with people aspect. I live in my head and from what I gather so do a lot of other people and it is a mindset in and of itself to project that you are aware of the world around you and looking to chat to people.

[LightWave93]

With respect OP, you have to use a balance of probabilities here and ask yourself bluntly "would these people who are close to you have any reason to tell you anything other than the brutal truth and risk hurting your feelings?"

 

Again, with respect, your posting style indicates that you can bring a bit of ego into your responses if people come up with things you have heard before/don't want to hear so if that happens in real life it makes it even more likely that people won't risk being totally honest.

 

I've been through this all before myself. All my friends when asked give me such wishy washy answers usually all packaged up with a ribbon of "you'll find someone eventually" on top and it is such trite and anodyne advice it made me want to scream. But yet I don't blame them - they have their own lives and their own problems and don't have the time to help me with the huge amount of work I needed to sort my self out. It was a journey I had to go on myself.

 

When I started posting these threads four years ago, one of the first things people suggested to me was to seek the advice of friends. When that came back positive, it was seek the advice of a counselor / therapist. When that came back positive, it was seek the advice of a dating coach.

 

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place as far as feedback is concerned. On the one hand I've got people telling me to go out and collect it, and on the other hand I've got those same people dismissing feedback I do receive.

 

There is definitely an inconsistency between how my life plays out and what people say, I agree with that notion, but it's not my ego that's telling you this; I'm simply stating a fact. That's what these people say. And honestly, I don't think I'd be chosen to represent thousands of students, work in a public-facing role at a library, or be recruited into teacher training if the people in charge didn't recognize the positive qualities these other demographics are highlighting.

 

At the end of the day, I honestly don't see what I do wrong. I've observed myself extensively, not taking into account any of this feedback; my body language is not closed off, I speak concisely, I smile and crack jokes, I'm emphatic and always look out for others in need, I make small talk with as many people as possible, I go out to do lots of different things that involve engagement with others.

 

What else can I do?

 

I think you might have come across as 'mysterious' to the girl you were hanging out with because you didn't send clear signals that you were attracted to her or considering kissing and making out with her. I guess that's what she refers as mysterious. It's a mystery why you're hanging out and even sleeping in her bad without making a move.

 

She told me she didn't want to have sex. I respected her wishes.

 

Maybe you're not really sending those signals to women and some of them might even think you're gay because of that. Although it's something that has to come naturally, there are some signs you can send to show sexual interest. Like looking at her lips, touching a bit and even the kind of conversation you carry.

 

Non of the people I meet think I'm gay.

 

You're a cool guy who neither of them want to date, which gets you nowhere. Do they have a friend who they can set you up with? Don't you think it's kind of strange that all these girls think you are so cool, attractive, and great, but none of them set you up with their girl friends?

 

I've stated this many times before; my friends don't know anybody who is available / looking, and I can't just go around asking people I barely know.

 

In your previous thread you said "She has explicitly stated she wishes to be friends." So which is it? If you aren't interested in her, fine, but you did spend an entire evening and night with her so it seems like you were probably interested. Was the coffee thing after intended to be a date?

 

Touche, caught me out there; it was attempt to shut down the conversation with a definitive statement, because at times it feels I'm prodded for the same answer but phrased differently.

 

She's not interested. I don't think we'd make a good fit anyway.

 

I never said you had to hang out with these types of guys. Find male friends who are similar to you who you like hanging out with and go with them. Maybe you can help each other.

 

I have male friends who are similar to me; but they're either busy, live miles away, have their own partners etc. When I hang out with them, nothing happens either.

 

To be honest, though, I am starting to think there might be something to the "masculine energy" issue that edgygirl and normal person raised in the last thread.

 

And yet again I have to ask what this "masculine energy" is? Because I talk slow, touch, am flirty and hold eye-contact.

 

 

 

------------------------------------------------------

 

I saw two girls glance at me today, but again that could be for any reason.

 

Completely winged an unplanned presentation by introducing myself and requesting feedback on my university. I asked a friend if I did well and they said I was great.

 

Going to salsa and having a night out tonight.

 

At least I keep busy!

[LightWave93]

but I would encourage the OP if going out on his own to try avoiding student places and aim for young professional women, I speak from experience when I say that students are generally quite entitled, full of **** and poor company- or at least they were at my uni

 

Hell, even congruence isn't the be all and end all- I'm reminded of before Christmas when I was waiting for public transport in a dive bar wearing rather more formal wear so I stuck out like a sore thumb amongst the grungey rockers in there. I struck up a bit of playful chat with the young cute goth barmaid and we had a good laugh to the point that as I left she called out after me and smiled and waved.

 

And that I think is ultimately the take away. Don't set goals like 'I have to sleep with x number of women by x date.' Just have a fun word for everybody, male or female, work on having a friendly, approachable vibe and keep putting yourself in places where you can have some fun chat with women that makes them feel good and then sooner or later something should stick. It's important to stress the being open to chatting with people aspect. I live in my head and from what I gather so do a lot of other people and it is a mindset in and of itself to project that you are aware of the world around you and looking to chat to people.

 

Well, I go out on my own often and I have friendly chats with people. I can never say I've had the experiences that you've mentioned, however.

 

Some people have "it", I guess. Looks like I've got to hire escorts for company.

[Garcon1986]

You and I both gotta move mate, there are greener pastures elsewhere

[LightWave93]

You and I both gotta move mate, there are greener pastures elsewhere

 

I do plan to...the problem is, where?

 

I live in the middle of the UK and travel around a lot; updating my location on online dating profiles have yielded no results, so I feel like I'm exhausted this country.

 

I have applied for a job over an hour away, so that's possible relocation in about nine months time, but still...can't say it will do much for prospects.

[ZA Dater]

I do plan to...the problem is, where?

 

I live in the middle of the UK and travel around a lot; updating my location on online dating profiles have yielded no results, so I feel like I'm exhausted this country.

 

I have applied for a job over an hour away, so that's possible relocation in about nine months time, but still...can't say it will do much for prospects.

 

 

 

I think your lack of dates is pretty strange when even terrible me can get dates! Albeit I have used somewhat unconventional borderline deceptive methods to get some of them.

 

 

Maybe you try too hard? I went through a phase where dating consumed me, for a good few years and I paid a very high price for that. Make sure you don't get consumed.

 

 

I get you want the casual fun relationship but my observation suggests there are guys who are ill suited for that by virtue of personality.

 

 

Its not much comfort but I believe we can all in terms of dating find something that makes us happy but it may not be conventional, has you ever had a great date?

 

 

When you talk to them, do you find the conversation engaging or not, do you feel the need to limit your intellect, do you feel the person is limited conversationally?

 

 

Your luck has to turn, again if I can get the odd date and compared to you I am jaded and cynical then your luck should be better!

[some_username1]

There is definitely an inconsistency between how my life plays out and what people say, I agree with that notion, but it's not my ego that's telling you this; I'm simply stating a fact. That's what these people say. And honestly, I don't think I'd be chosen to represent thousands of students, work in a public-facing role at a library, or be recruited into teacher training if the people in charge didn't recognize the positive qualities these other demographics are highlighting.

 

At the end of the day, I honestly don't see what I do wrong. I've observed myself extensively, not taking into account any of this feedback; my body language is not closed off, I speak concisely, I smile and crack jokes, I'm emphatic and always look out for others in need, I make small talk with as many people as possible, I go out to do lots of different things that involve engagement with others.

 

That's the bit you need to focus on- the disconnect. All things being equal what is the most likely source of truth? I would wager strangers because they owe you nothing. If you don't notice yourself being noticed then that is something you have to work on. Bit of an extreme example, but if a Brad Pitt lookalike walks into a club does he get roundly ignored? Highly unlikely- there's the difference and you have to put some work in to understand why that is and what you can do to change it.

 

The quickest fixes, imo, are to work on the manly vibe that has already been mentioned- have some facial hair, even if only patchy. Wear form fitting, smart clothes like you have your **** together, a good aftershave that has good reviews by women etc. Go to the gym. Hell, don't go to the gym and sit at home and eat ice cream, just put some weight on to avoid having a skinny physique.

 

I can appreciate you may have heard this all before but I'm just trying to point out what has helped for me. I'm not fighting off the women by any means but I certainly don't feel invisible either and I attribute a lot of that to my appearance. Mindset helps though of course. I try to maintain a positive outlook as other people want to meet other positive people. I used to be a right miserable bastard and when I look back at how I used to complain about my dating woes I think to myself that I wouldn't have liked to be my friend so why would anybody else date me?

 

So yeah this may be stuff you have already done or tried or whatever, if you have I would say try it again and try and do it better. The key part is making sure you have that manly vibe or at the very least are a competent, confident man who is fun to be around. There are so many minute details involved that women can detect that you could quite easily have not been doing it 100% before.

Edited January 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LightWave93]

What about if I go to the gym, wear suitable clothes, have facial hair etc? I can show you pics.

 

You mention stranger comments; well, they're consistent with the positive usually. Only really here who question, haha!

 

 

Anyway, went dancing. A girl more my age was there, taller (or high heels?), very beautiful blonde. She's also my partner for tomorrow's private lesson. She laughed at everything I said, and all the regulars welcomed me with open arms. At least I make a good impression?

Edited January 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[LightWave93]

Okay, I'm at a complete loss.

 

I'm with friends and they invited this guy who has literally sat in the corner on his phone, not talking, and whenever he does speak it's in a similar way to "The Idiot Aboard"; bored, sarcastic, negative.

 

Apparently it's my friends ex and he cheated on her with two girls. I am gobsmacked.

[Garcon1986]

Go pursue that beautiful blond a bit. Could you consider immigrating to Canada?

[clia]

Okay, I'm at a complete loss.

 

I'm with friends and they invited this guy who has literally sat in the corner on his phone, not talking, and whenever he does speak it's in a similar way to "The Idiot Aboard"; bored, sarcastic, negative.

 

Apparently it's my friends ex and he cheated on her with two girls. I am gobsmacked.

 

Why don't you ask your friend why she dated him?

[LightWave93]

Go pursue that beautiful blond a bit. Could you consider immigrating to Canada?

 

Ha, we'll see.

And no, I doubt it.

 

Why don't you ask your friend why she dated him?

 

She wasn't sure herself. I'm guessing she was probably lonely and picked the option as it came up.

 

 

 

 

Anyway, went out last night and I think a few tried to dance with me. A group of girls were nearby for quite some time and two blondes were close to me / (I think) looking in my direction. Then when I was dancing solo for a bit as my friends went off somewhere, they moved to be near me...or at least that's how it seemed. I didn't pull the trigger, but yesterday was probably the most "obvious" example of it happening. According to my friend, another girl tried to dance with me also...but when I brushed up against her, she moved away.

 

Also, spoke to a relatively new friend of mine about how I was feeling. She said;

 

"You come across really well and you don't give off any bad vibes / aura. Honestly if I were your age I'd be intimidated by you because you're attractive, intelligent, fun, do a lot with yourself and know where you're going. I'm going to keep an eye out when we go out on [X day]".

 

She has no reason to lie to me and she's the type of person to be brutally honest, so maybe the issue stems from having been unnoticed for so long and as it's began to improve, I haven't known what to do.