Did I scare her off with being clingy or she just not into me?

[ExpatInItaly]

Tired of her texting me all the time

 

Just ignore it, OP.

 

If she keeps it up, ask her to please not contact you. As I read it, she's not exactly "texting you all the time" anyway. She's sent a couple messages.

 

You're making all of this into a much more complicated issue than it needs to be. Just smile and nod when you see her out, and carry on.

[TheFinalWord]

Should I text her to leave alone or something? Or what should I do?

 

 

I wouldn't text her again. If she contacts you I would tell her that you don't want to be just friends, you tried, and it's not for you. If she wants something more, contact you, and of course you'll be cordial if the situation requires. But otherwise it's better if we go our separate ways. You don't have to be mean to her, but just firm about what you want. She's doing the same thing to you. She's saying no to anything more, and you can be friends. You're accepting her frame. If you have any chance, she has to accept your frame. BTW you probably don't have any chance. I'm sorry to say that, but there's a 90% chance she'll not give you what you want. But there's a 100% chance she won't give you what you want if you do things her way.

[matty145]

It’s just weird to see a girl go from super interested to “I just want to be friends”. I mean when we first met she wanted to hangout all the time, wanted me to come over all the time, talked about things we’d do in the future like go bowling or she’d teach me how to cook or shop or whatever it be, and she would text me like crazy all the time, asked me about life stories about me, added me on social media, then she just wants to be friends all of a sudden, I’ve accepted that but I just don’t understand it.

[TheFinalWord]

It’s just weird to see a girl go from super interested to “I just want to be friends”. I mean when we first met she wanted to hangout all the time, wanted me to come over all the time, talked about things we’d do in the future like go bowling or she’d teach me how to cook or shop or whatever it be, and she would text me like crazy all the time, asked me about life stories about me, added me on social media, then she just wants to be friends all of a sudden, I’ve accepted that but I just don’t understand it.

 

That's a lesson you have to learn with women. They can go from 100% into you to 100% not, on the turn of a dime. Reticulated activating system...

 

With young women especially the ones that are damaged, they can go from hot to cold in an instant. The first time this happened to me, I was the same way. But that's because you're thinking logically. Women think primarily emotionally. All those things she said and did, were true in that moment, and not a second afterwards. That's why it's not worth trying to lock a damaged women into a relationship. They want the guy they can't have (alpha), as soon as she knows she has you emotionally, her interest drops. She's operating in a validation sex mode and if she's damaged she wants a guy she can't have. She is almost projecting this other guy onto you and the moment she can have you, you know longer remind her of her ex. You're not giving her that validation and she loses sexual interest. She may not even know why, which is why she wants you as a friend. She may be hoping that sexual chemistry will still be there. The only way to get it back is if she thinks she can't have you. Even then it may not work, but it's the only chance.

Edited January 14, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[matty145]

That's a lesson you have to learn with women. They can go from 100% into you to 100% not, on the turn of a dime. Reticulated activating system...<snip>

 

Doesn’t even seem worth trying then, if all that time and work can get thrown away in an instant.

Edited January 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[TheFinalWord]

Doesn’t even seem worth trying then, if all that time and work can get thrown away in an instant.

 

You need to read everything by Rollo Tomassi (the Rational Male).

 

Recommend watching his channel...

 

[ExpatInItaly]

It’s just weird to see a girl go from super interested to “I just want to be friends”. I mean when we first met she wanted to hangout all the time, wanted me to come over all the time, talked about things we’d do in the future like go bowling or she’d teach me how to cook or shop or whatever it be, and she would text me like crazy all the time, asked me about life stories about me, added me on social media, then she just wants to be friends all of a sudden, I’ve accepted that but I just don’t understand it.

 

Maybe she was on the rebound from someone when she met you, and he has since come back. Perhaps she's been dating someone else who wasn't giving her attention so she came looking for it from you.

 

Whatever the case may be, you can't take someone too seriously so early on. I get that it's nice to hear about all the things someone wants to do with you, but when you barely know them, it's best not to put too much weight into it until you have actually developed a viable foundation together.

[d0nnivain]

Patience is key here as is listening.

 

After 5 dates you asked a college girl for exclusivity She said no. First your ask was too soon. You needed to let things unfold more organically for at least a month.

 

Second, you didn't hear her when she told you it was her not you. She views herself as broken, unable to connect with people because of whatever damage her last relationship did to her. Her pendulum swung the other way & now she just wants casual.

 

You are in a big 'ol hurry to nail things down, to label the relationship & to be exclusive. She has sent you every signal in the book that she only wanted NSA plus some chat & hanging out. She was OK with "dating" you without labeling it that but you needed the words. It's OK to need the words & your choice for how you want your relationships structured is right for you but it's not right for her at present.

 

Love is worth it but seriously you have to slow down. Stop expecting instant relationship. Let things develop over months. Lighten up on the labels & the pressure to define everything.

[matty145]

You need to read everything by Rollo Tomassi (the Rational Male).

 

Recommend watching his channel...

 

 

You guys really think all that “game” and “alpha” bs really works? In my experience, if a girl likes a guy she will want to date him pretty much no matter what, barring he doesn’t do anything too shocking. I think even if you do all the game and alpha stuff by the book, at the end of the day if she isn’t into you, then she isn’t into you and all the game in the world can’t make her like you.

[d0nnivain]

"Game" & "Alpha" are short hand ways of saying be confident. That is all. You have know yourself, know your audience & be brave enough to go after what you want.

 

You have the brave part down to some extent -- you wanted exclusive & you asked 2x. That is good. Your problem is you don't know your audience. You moved too fast. If you can just slow down & not expect others to be open to instant connection, you will be fine.

 

You are not required to suddenly be OK with NSA sex. However, when it's offered to you, like her, you best recognize it & not pressure somebody who wants casual into wanting a commitment.

[matty145]

"Game" & "Alpha" are short hand ways of saying be confident. That is all. You have know yourself, know your audience & be brave enough to go after what you want.

 

You have the brave part down to some extent -- you wanted exclusive & you asked 2x. That is good. Your problem is you don't know your audience. You moved too fast. If you can just slow down & not expect others to be open to instant connection, you will be fine.

 

You are not required to suddenly be OK with NSA sex. However, when it's offered to you, like her, you best recognize it & not pressure somebody who wants casual into wanting a commitment.

 

That makes sense, but I really don’t think she’s open to NSA sex either.

[d0nnivain]

That makes sense, but I really don’t think she’s open to NSA sex either.

 

 

She isn't but the label you were pushing for scared her. She was more afraid of the words then the behavior.

 

You are not in place where you can be quiet & not talk about it. So leave her be. Do be polite when you see her in public but chalk this experience up to not right for you.

[matty145]

She isn't but the label you were pushing for scared her. She was more afraid of the words then the behavior.

 

You are not in place where you can be quiet & not talk about it. So leave her be. Do be polite when you see her in public but chalk this experience up to not right for you.

 

You just said she was!! Now she isn’t?!! I don’t follow

[d0nnivain]

You just said she was!! Now she isn’t?!! I don’t follow

 

She was always OK with NSA sex but she wanted it to be with a nice guy she liked who she didn't think was using her. (you) The more you kept talking, the more she realized you wanted a relationship. If you had waited & not talked about it, just kept having sex & chatting periodically & hanging out you may have been gradually been able to convince her to have a relationship but now she realizes that you need more then she can give & you are not patient about it.

 

What I am describing was subtle & nuanced . . . a delicate balance so you didn't get discarded into a category of good enough to sleep with but lacking something that would make you a good BF. Very few people could thread that needle.

 

I understand where she is coming from because in college I used to be her. I was open to having a good time but the minute some boy tried to get serious with me, I bolted. In grad school, my FWB was wise enough to bide his time. On some level he treated me like the scared puppy I was & let me come to him. When we finally got together we lasted for 10 years.

 

All in all you two are not presently compatible.

[matty145]

She was always OK with NSA sex but she wanted it to be with a nice guy she liked who she didn't think was using her. (you) The more you kept talking, the more she realized you wanted a relationship. If you had waited & not talked about it, just kept having sex & chatting periodically & hanging out you may have been gradually been able to convince her to have a relationship but now she realizes that you need more then she can give & you are not patient about it.

 

What I am describing was subtle & nuanced . . . a delicate balance so you didn't get discarded into a category of good enough to sleep with but lacking something that would make you a good BF. Very few people could thread that needle.

 

I understand where she is coming from because in college I used to be her. I was open to having a good time but the minute some boy tried to get serious with me, I bolted. In grad school, my FWB was wise enough to bide his time. On some level he treated me like the scared puppy I was & let me come to him. When we finally got together we lasted for 10 years.

 

All in all you two are not presently compatible.

 

Well maybe I should be friends with her and try to slowly ease her into something. Idk

[d0nnivain]

Well maybe I should be friends with her and try to slowly ease her into something. Idk

 

She doesn't want to be your friend at this point. She tried. You couldn't handle it.

 

You have to stop trying to be somebody you are not & accepting half a loaf.

 

You & her are on vastly different pages. You trying this friendship thing you don't want is only going to frustrate both of you. Leave her be.

[matty145]

She doesn't want to be your friend at this point. She tried. You couldn't handle it.

 

You have to stop trying to be somebody you are not & accepting half a loaf.

 

You & her are on vastly different pages. You trying this friendship thing you don't want is only going to frustrate both of you. Leave her be.

 

I think she does want to be my friend, she approached me and tried multiple times. Even texted me about it, twice.

[d0nnivain]

Went out to the bar last night and got a text from her asking if I was going out. I said yea and she said she wanted to chat and catch up from the break. I told her again over text that I’m not really into being “friends” with her, and she responded “ok I understand, just wanted to chat so it wasn’t completely awkward”. I didn’t respond to that and later in the night she texted me again a few times to meet her at some bar to which I basically said no. Do I need to go talk to her or should I just cut her off?

 

We agreed to talk at the bar tomorrow. What should I do? Idk if she just wants to be friends or what her deal is.

 

Well I talked with her and we agreed to go our separate ways. Kinda stings

 

I basically said I like you and want to keep seeing you but I know I probably overwhelmed you a bit in the beginning and I’m sorry for that. But I don’t think I can do the whole friend thing and we should probably just go our separate ways if you want to be just friends.

 

She responded with “ok I understand I’ll see you around” then a few minutes later responded with “it was never really that deep I just wanted to meet and talk and break the ice since we’ll be probably be running into each other every now and then.”

 

Thanks I appreciate it, I can almost sense the fact that she’s going to try and come talk to me again. Idk why, but it gets really annoying, I’m almost just ready to move on at this point.

 

Tired of her texting me all the time

 

Re-read the above. I'm going to try one more time to help you understand.

 

 

You met a girl who was DTF who wants nothing to do with having a relationship, or so she says. Trust me. The idea of a relationship, & labeling your interactions as such terrifies her. So when you suggested it, she said no. She would have been just fine continuing as you were -- having sex, hanging out, going to the bar & texting in between. In short she was willing to date you as long as you didn't call it that or expect commitment & exclusivity.

 

When you explained that you prefer a relationship she tried to be gracious about things & make every thing not weird by talking to you in public at the bar to prove that things didn't have to weird & that neither of you needed to find a new place to drink.

 

She still doesn't want a relationship. You keep trying to convince yourself you would be OK with FWB but it's obvious that you would not. You would always want more. You want a GF.

 

Although it is occasionally possible to go from FWB to relationship it is very rare. I was one of those people. Nothing you have posted in this thread convinces me you will be able to pull it off. If for no other reason, the woman we're talking about has taken more of a leadership roll in whatever has been going on here. I suspect that as this drags out, she is losing respect for you so that you will never be elevated to BF in her eyes.

 

Why do you persist? This isn't working. Please stop banging your head against this wall. Go find a different girl who wants to be your GF

[matty145]

Re-read the above. I'm going to try one more time to help you understand. <snip>

 

Yea your'e right, it's just hard when you like somebody like that. Seems like every time I meet a girl they only want sex or something light, guess I just haven't met the right girl yet.

Edited January 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[TheFinalWord]

You guys really think all that “game” and “alpha” bs really works? In my experience, if a girl likes a guy she will want to date him pretty much no matter what, barring he doesn’t do anything too shocking. I think even if you do all the game and alpha stuff by the book, at the end of the day if she isn’t into you, then she isn’t into you and all the game in the world can’t make her like you.

 

A ride or die chick is really hard to find.

 

You're dealing with a girl that just wants to have sex and wants an alpha guy. An alpha is just a construct, if you watched the full video you would get what I am saying. Clearly what you're doing, isn't working, so maybe it's time to open your mind a little bit. I say this from experience. You don't know how women think at all.

 

If you just kept hooking up with this chick, it's possible she would have wanted more, but she has to bring it up.

 

If you try to get her into exclusivity after 5 days, most girls, especially damaged ones, are going to bolt.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yea your'e right, it's just hard when you like somebody like that. Seems like every time I meet a girl they only want sex or something light, guess I just haven't met the right girl yet.

 

Somebody like what?

 

If I may elaborate: Your hardly know her, OP. And you certainly didn't know her when you asked her to be exclusive. You haven't known this person long enough to assess her true character, her values, her goals, her needs and desires in life and in a relationship, or your actual compatibility with her.

 

She might indeed be wonderful, but you got way ahead of yourself and didn't even give yourself time to see if she's as great as you think. For all you know she is an undercover whack-job whose favourte hobby is dressing up in one of her prized Ronald McDonald costumes and watching Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo in the den with the lights off while she chugs purple drank. The point is that you are assuming that a relationship with her is what you want when you have very little real information about her.

 

If I might guess, you like these girls' personalities and bedroom behvaiouor, but what attracts you is the attention they're giving you. It makes sense, as it feels good when someone wants to be around us and see us and flirt with us. But you get caught up in that without giving things much time to develop and it puts some of these girls off. Slow things down and give yourself the chance to really know them first.

[matty145]

Somebody like what?

 

If I may elaborate: Your hardly know her, OP. And you certainly didn't know her when you asked her to be exclusive. You haven't known this person long enough to assess her true character, her values, her goals, her needs and desires in life and in a relationship, or your actual compatibility with her.

 

<SNIP>

 

Yes, I misspoke. Should’ve said “when you like somebody”

Edited January 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I misspoke. Should’ve said “when you like somebody”

 

My point still stands. You liked the little you know about her.

 

I get that you felt chemistry with her, but again, you had only just met the girl.

[d0nnivain]

Yea your'e right, it's just hard when you like somebody like that. Seems like every time I meet a girl they only want sex or something light, guess I just haven't met the right girl yet.

 

Perhaps you ask for commitment too soon. Try not sleeping with them as early as you do & wait a few MONTHS before talking about exclusivity.

[matty145]

Perhaps you ask for commitment too soon. Try not sleeping with them as early as you do & wait a few MONTHS before talking about exclusivity.

 

Well we started texting again and seem to be on good terms, she even started snap chatting me again so I guess we’ll see where that goes, but I’m going to also start dating other women. Is that a good plan?