I'm too old to attract anyone

[Ruby Slippers]

It's an interesting discussion. I'm not offended.

 

Getting married and having a family is not a panacea. Of course there are unhappy married women and mothers, men and fathers.

 

But overall, women are happier with a good, strong husband and loving children and someday, in their old age, grandchildren, than living alone.

 

Of course there are exceptions, and I absolutely support the wishes of men and women who never want to be married or have children, who are happier with the single life.

 

But social engineering is a reality. The declining birth rate in the Western world is a reality, and a problem for society, with an aging population and not enough young people to support them.

 

This thread really isn't even about kids/creating families, though. It's about loving and being loved in middle age and beyond, particularly as a woman.

 

Ann-Margret was 52 in this movie. She's still a sultry bombshell, beyond lovable, quite inspiring!

[preraph]

Yes, but by the same token, I know plenty of women who got married, had kids, and are living unfulfilled lives.

 

Life is what you make of it, and while children/family will absolutely enhance it for many people, those things aren't a fail safe to avoid feeling an empty existence.

 

Having not had kids, I always read, But who's going to take care of them when they're old. Well, it's not like I took moved in with my parents and took care of them when they were old. I had a great career going in another state. I took care of their finances and made trips up there to handle what I could, but caregivers had to be hired and other relatives relied on. Honestly, in my lifetime, it's mainly siblings who take care of old people more than kids. Kids can't just drop their whole livelihood and not be able to pay bills to take care of their parents. Even if they let a parent move in, they aren't going to be home to take care of them! Once old people reach the helpless stage, it takes two or three people to change their sheets, lift them, etc. and until then, the old people just want to be in their own home doing for themselves or with light help. So all that is a myth.

[preraph]

I disagree declining birth rate is a problem. A smaller footprint is always better. Less consumption is always better. What it would require is just a reworking of the system and only during the interim which we're already in when the biggest population is old. After that, it won't require as much money because there's less people and will equal out. For now, they just have to fund it the way they waste money on a lot of other things. More people = more problems and more expense overall, education, crime. It's not all about social security. There's a whole lot of expense before we get to that. And in the U.S. a lot of the people having kids today aren't productive taxpayers, and if kids grow up that way, neither will their kids be. So more babies does not equal more payers.

[losangelena]

I don't see what we have now as better. A bunch of 40+ women with nothing to show for their lives but a big house full of nice but ultimately meaningless stuff, who take more drugs to cope with the emptiness than any generation of women in history.

 

The bedrock of any healthy society is strong, healthy families.

 

I could not disagree more. Fulfillment can come in so many forms beyond a family. The whole concept of “family” has become fetishized as if it’s the hilt of existence, when that fails to take into account bad marriages, abusive fathers, and unhealthy dynamics that many, many people grow up with.

 

I think society has only been enhanced now that women can truly live outside the domestic sphere. I mean, how many centuries have women been literally oppressed through the confines of marriage? They started out as literal property between two fathers—with no more significance than a heard of cattle. In more modern times, marriage was the only way a woman could survive or have a good life, and they had to accept so much crap along the way.

 

But now? A woman can literally do whatever she wants, but we’re still not totally free of this mindset that a woman cannot be truly fulfilled if she’s not in a relationship; if she (heaven forbid) isn’t considered a compelling specimen to a man. We are still being sold this narrative, and far too many women are taking that bait.

 

A woman’s worth goes so far beyond her youth, her waistline, the smoothness of her face, and her ability to snag a man and have a family. For millennia, this is all she had.

[bathtub-row]

From what I can tell, relationships are problematic in general. I look around at the people I know, I look at this website, and I think anyone has to be kidding themselves to think that relationships are the end-all, be-all. They are wrought with problems. And so many people are willing to put up with so much nonsense and disrespect just for the sake of being in a relationship. This is just something I don't get. I do know I'm more solitary than most, but that's not to say I don't prefer to be with someone. I just won't do that at all costs. I have limits as to what I'll tolerate and, sadly, there are a lot of people out there who are nothing short of rude, disrespectful, and downright abusive when they're in a relationship.

 

While I'd love to meet that physics professor type who's as calm as a Hindu cow, who's amused by the world, sits in his comfy chair, smokes a pipe and adores me, I'll live just fine without him. I think it's a matter of finding happiness on your own. And if being with just anyone, putting up with anything, is ok with you, then go for it. But be content doing it, knowing that it was a trade-off. There's a ton of bad behavior out there to select from.

[Ruby Slippers]

People aren't meant to be alone. In general, people suffer without a strong, close support system.

 

More people live alone in the West than at any other time in history. It's not healthy for those people or society in general to have so many aging people living alone.

[edgygirl]

Exactly. We all know there are people who can be perfectly happy alone, but that's not the point here.

 

I'm a feminist (with some traditional side thrown in there), I've been alone for quite a few years now and I'm fine like that - yet that doesn't mean I wouldn't have a more fulfilling interesting life with a loving partner.

 

Not sure why people jump on someone who says they prefer to be coupled in older age and/or have a family. To each their own. You don't need someone and are happy to be by yourself in your apartment for days on end, or just meet friends? Awesome. Lucky you. Let those of us who want more discuss it without the guilt trip.

 

People aren't meant to be alone. In general, people suffer without a strong, close support system.

 

More people live alone in the West than at any other time in history. It's not healthy for those people or society in general to have so many aging people living alone.

[FMW]

I think in order to find a healthy and happy relationship with someone else you FIRST have to be happy with yourself. That doesn't mean you will be alone forever.

 

If you enjoy life and like yourself then it will be so very much easier to meet someone to share your life with. You'll have something to offer that makes you attractive as a potential partner. When we are unhappy and searching for something/someone to complete us that energy is obvious to those around us and isn't going to make anyone want to get closer to you.

 

So it's not an either/or proposition. Enjoy your life as a single person. And when the time is right enjoy your life as a partner.

[Woggle]

Nobody is too old to find anything. If you have a good personality and look like you care about how you present yourself you should do fine.

[brigit87]

<snip>

 

While many people may marry the wrong person when young, I feel that's not the default situation. In fact my older sister married at 22 (despite my parents lack of guidance she's always been more decisive and had better self-protection instincts) and they're the happiest couple I know for over 30 years.

 

I don't know how old you are but if you're GenX then it doesn't matter how strict or not strict your parents were. My dad was MIA and my mom was very bitter and I don't think she wanted me to marry. However, that didn't stop me from knowing that I'd better get a ring on my finger before I turn 30 because my culture told me that. I got engaged at 27 and I thought that was really late. Most of my friends had that mindset. My one friend who didn't lives in regret.

Edited January 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[brigit87]

I think in order to find a healthy and happy relationship with someone else you FIRST have to be happy with yourself.

 

I know lots of ppl believe in that mantra but for me it wasn't practical. I'll probably never be happy with myself but I have a happy marriage.

[preraph]

However you find happiness is okay. Some people want other people around and are willing to compromise to keep it, and some don't. The point is not to stay in an unhappy situation, and there is a lot of that.

[Interstellar]

Ok, my comment was judgmental. I just think that a lot of older women are unfulfilled with the "carefree single life" that was sold to them, by design. Depression among older women - people in general - living single/alone is a big problem, and a sad one.

 

My main message is that no one is too old to love and be loved. And the best way to attract love... is to be as happy and loving as you can will yourself to be.

 

I read an article on New York Times on the aging population and living alone. It’s very, very sad and it’s not a woman or man problem. I wholeheartedly agree with your overall point of view.

 

No matter how healthy you think you are right now health is no guarantee, I have worked at a hospital and witness first hand patients who have no family members or anyone to turn to and if you don’t have someone to support and love you in your time of need, man good luck.

Edited January 11, 2019 by Interstellar

[bathtub-row]

I guess what I’m trying to say is that, yes, for the majority of us, Plan A - meet lifetime spouse, marry, live happily - or mostly happily - ever after. But what if we don’t end up with Plan A? Do we crawl in bed and give up on life? Do we stomp our feet and throw a tantrum because we didn’t get what we wanted?

 

Life isn’t always easy, it doesn’t always work out as planned. But a smart person will accept the way things are are deal with them as an adult. I don’t mean accept them in the sense that they’re unchangable but in the sense that we still see the good in our lives and even in our situation and do things that make us happy. Move, write, draw, paint, be with people - whatever. Find something you love and that fulfills you. I don’t know if I or anyone else will meet the right person by doing those things but I do know that you can be happy or change your life.

[chillii]

Yeah l don't believe in the mantra or most of the others they bang around all over the net either.. But l do always try to encourage people as bt is saying , because it's just good for anyone whatever the sitch to have some happiness .

[Wallysbears]

OP - woman to woman - as a fellow member of the 40+ club....if you’d like I would help you if you send me pictures, etc

 

I’m far from a 10 but I feel as though I have a good pulse on what makes women attractive to men.

[TheFinalWord]

The harsh reality is these are factors hard-wired into us from millions of years of evolution.

 

Men are attracted to youth, women are attracted to stability, resources and status.

 

The red pill is a hard one to swallow, and there's even a term for it: red pill rage.

 

You just have to accept it and work with what you can.

[alphamale]

The harsh reality is these are factors hard-wired into us from millions of years of evolution.

 

<snip>

 

totally true

Edited January 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[OpenBook]

Plan A - meet lifetime spouse, marry, live happily - or mostly happily - ever after. But what if we don’t end up with Plan A? Do we crawl in bed and give up on life? Do we stomp our feet and throw a tantrum because we didn’t get what we wanted?

 

:lmao: If that was the outcome for an Epic Fail on Plan A, I'd be a goner.

 

Move, write, draw, paint, be with people - whatever. Find something you love and that fulfills you.

 

Yeup. Best advice I've ever received: Do What You Love, and don't worry about the rest. Everything else will fall into place on its own. Find your Special Purpose, and pursue it wholeheartedly. :bunny:

[chillii]

Yeah , when l found myself divorced later 40s after 20yrs, after getting myself together again, 3 or 4 yrs, l decided to have an A and B.

l prefer life as a couple , l knew that , but l really didn't think l'd find something l could commit to again tbh.

 

So l thought ok , l'd rather not spend the rest of my days miserable whatever happens so if l don't meet someone serious, when my daughters 18 l'm selling my place and moving over to such and such and l'm gonna do this this and this, because if l'm gonna be single , l'd really like to do that stuff l'd get a real kick out of it and it'll keep me occupied living and doing something l'd really like to do.

l don't wanna live in this spot if l'm single.

 

lf l do meet someone , anythings on the cards l'm open once my daughters 18. But if someone liked it here l'd also be quite happy to just stay put and be a couple , finish renoing the house and just living life together.

lf not , we'll go somewhere else and live life together.

l figured l'd give it a few years see what happens and when my daughter turns 18 l'd make up my mind then.

Edited January 13, 2019 by chillii

[bathtub-row]

<snip>

lf l do meet someone , anythings on the cards l'm open once my daughters 18. But if someone liked it here l'd also be quite happy to just stay put and be a couple , finish renoing the house and just living life together.

lf not , we'll go somewhere else and live life together.

l figured l'd give it a few years see what happens and when my daughter turns 18 l'd make up my mind then.

 

Yep, if a person has kids, live up to that responsibility well, and make plans for what you'll do when your children are grown. My son is grown now and I have plans to move to another state. I'm very excited about it. I plan to be self-employed when I start there but if that fails, I have a Plan B - I discovered that it's a small town and my years of experience are highly valued. I can tell that by the response I got from job applications.

 

 

I'm ready for a new chapter, a new adventure, and I want to change our family dynamics. My son has learned that you don't ever stop, you don't stop making adventures for yourself. He's actually really impressed and I actually believe he'll love where I'm going to end up and I hope he and his gf will eventually follow me. If not, I'm good with that. I'll have a family member with me and, while the move is a little scary, I can't imagine not doing it at this point because it keeps me fueled.

Edited January 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[chillii]

Ahh fantastic bt, what a great idea and way of bringing some exiting new buzz into life.

Bonus with your son , never know eh.

 

Good luck.

[edgygirl]

I'm not young anymore yet have men knocking on my door non stop. I could go on several dates per day if I wanted to. How old are you?

 

The harsh reality is these are factors hard-wired into us from millions of years of evolution.

 

<snip>

Edited January 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[edgygirl]

Yes GenX but at 27 I ran from my university boyfriend who wanted to marry me. He was the best bf I ever had. But I felt I had places to go and things to do before getting married. My family has always been adventurous worldly people, and I'm like that too. I was not in a rush to marry before getting where I wanted to. I did get where I wanted... but then it became more and more difficult to find the right person. I did get married once but that's not the point here.

 

I don't know how old you are but if you're GenX then it doesn't matter how strict or not strict your parents were. My dad was MIA and my mom was very bitter and I don't think she wanted me to marry. However, that didn't stop me from knowing that I'd better get a ring on my finger before I turn 30 because my culture told me that. I got engaged at 27 and I thought that was really late. Most of my friends had that mindset. My one friend who didn't lives in regret.

[losangelena]

I'm not young anymore yet have men knocking on my door non stop. I could go on several dates per day if I wanted to. How old are you?

 

I’ve read recently that men will cling to a biological stance when it comes to the reasons why men and women do things, and women will default to a societal norm. That’s not too hard to believe, since men benefit from the tired biological tropes. That’s why they keep repeating the same old thing.