Was she just after a free expensive meal?

[coolheadal]

I'd briefly referenced this match in another post, but this is a different woman and issue so it deserves its own post. I matched with someone on Bumble and didn't hear from her for a while, then get a message a few weeks ago. We did the usual small talk and when she asked what I was up to I told her I'd gone to this nice restaurant. A week later after some more talking she then invited me to an expensive restaurant on Friday night but I told her I already had plans.

 

She mentioned she enjoys bowling so I invited her to go and she told me she's never met me so didn't feel comfortable going there, but that she wanted to go to dinner in a certain neighborhood. I again asked if she'd rather do something more active during the weekend or meet up for lunch, but she said she could only do dinner during the week. So I suggested a reasonably priced place, nicer than a casual place like Fridays but not super high end either. Her response was that it was the worst place in the area. That kind of shocked me and I responded something like "you're certainly opinionated. How about going to X instead?" That was another somewhat reasonably priced place, but actually a bit more than the original place. A few days later I checked and she blocked me.

 

Did I do anything wrong or was she just after a free meal? I've just not had much success with dating and am trying to improve.

 

Max you met a woman that only wanted to go out for dinner. I've had that happen to me also. Couldn't do anything else but go to the movies then go too dinner. It did get expensive where she wanted to go. If I said I would cook you dinner instead. She same well when you want to go out too dinner you let her know. I said how about we just don't go out anymore and that's it. Text was sent and I had ended it. You needed to do the same, because a woman like that for dinner only isn't a date she's high class blank!

[Ami1uwant]

I could see someone judging you by the pkaces you pick. Not necessarily looking fir a free meal.

 

She may want someone who has a certain taste of restaurants.

 

I would not invest in a high end restaurant for a first date because that is not my style.

[guest569]

From what max described he has good taste in restaurants but doesn't want to splash out on a stranger in the finest restaurant. I would never expect a man to do this for me on a first date. It's way too much. Sure I find bowling a bit full on but fine dining with a stranger is pretty intimate. Also expensive does not mean good.

[littleblackheart]

What if you don't drink?

 

Well you wouldn't drinking in any restaurant anyway...

 

The point is trying to find just the right balance between choosing somewhere nice (there are very high end tapas bars) and low pressure / cosy for a first contact - the point of a first meet with a totally stranger is to meet, not to impress or assess each other's bank balance or even the food, really (imo).

 

Electing the restaurant (whether your option or hers) shouldn't become more important than getting to know your date; if that becomes a sore point even before meeting, neither of you was that much into it. No harm done.

[brigit87]

 

 

If he had gone to this expensive restaurant this woman (depending on what kind of person she is) MIGHT have ended looking at HIM when the bill came...

 

what exactly should he do then? Pay up $100 ..$150...on some woman he's ONLY just met?...Or..

 

Split the bill...and she's NEVER coming back. RIGHT??

 

He's screwed one way or the other.

 

You sound bitter.

 

This is dating it's a gamble. For the record I'm married and don't have to worry about who pays. But when I was dating the standard was the man pays. I never was one of those women who screamed about equality. And I love it when a man opens a door for me.

[brigit87]

If this is failing I don't want to succeed. A woman who expects a nice restaurant on a first date is rather strange and a man who is willing to take a woman to a nice restaurant on a first date is trying to prove something that probably isn't true.

 

I'll take that failure every time.

 

My husband took me to a really nice restaurant on the first date and brought flowers.

 

So theres that.

[brigit87]

Ruby, this is what we are saying... This is an online date with a woman he doesn't really know. He can't be selective because they have not met in person! Meet her and get to know her by doing something low-key and inexpensive... Then, if things are good and there is potential - extend the invite for a nice dinner if that's what both individuals want to do.

 

The fact that this woman he had never met before expected an expensive restaurant and was unwilling to consider other options for their first meeting is a big red flag. It's not exactly reasonable or considerate to the man.

 

They couldn't even get through the compromise of a first date. LOL. If you can't deal with that how are you going to handle the big stuff.

 

This wasn't a match. OP needs to move forward.

[guest569]

The times have changed Brigit. People date like no tomorrow. Multi dating. Discarding and ghosting people left right and centre because there is always someone else waiting in the wings. You can say 'oh well, it's a gamble' when you're a woman and are not the one most likely footing 100% of the bill. Max wants to pay for the first date, so I think he is wise to choose a restaurant in a price range that he feels is suitable. The restaurants he chose are pretty pricey anyway if you ask me.

[brigit87]

The times have changed Brigit. People date like no tomorrow. Multi dating. Discarding and ghosting people left right and centre because there is always someone else waiting in the wings. You can say 'oh well, it's a gamble' when you're a woman and are not the one most likely footing 100% of the bill. Max wants to pay for the first date, so I think he is wise to choose a restaurant in a price range that he feels is suitable. The restaurants he chose are pretty pricey anyway if you ask me.

 

I suppose so. It's probably better to still meet in real life. This way when you meet it's sort of like a free first date.

[salparadise]

I'd say you dodged a bullet with this one, Max. My experience is that women's attitudes around dating fall into two categories... those who to whom it's about connection and intrinsic qualities, and those who are asking the question, "what can this guy do for me." The latter is inevitably about wealth, status, and willingness to provide economic incentives. The former are more evolved and don't think of it as transactional. They offer to split/share costs, and do not have an entitlement mentality.

 

There was a thread recently where a fairly wealthy guy was perplexed by the fact that his dating partners never offered to pay for anything at all. He was used to paying for nice restaurants and such, but was wondering about the questions of entitlement and whether it was all about the incentives. The advice given was, quit using incentives as bait. So, it ends up being the same on both sides––unless a guy is okay knowing he's dealing with a rent-a-chick.

 

There is necessarily judging and assessing on a first date. You (the man) should be doing half of it, not engaging in a dynamic where you're jumping through hoops to try and make her like you. You especially should not be trying to buy her favor with lavish spending. Some date to find a good person, some are shopping for a lifestyle upgrade. Keeping it simple for at least the first few dates sorts'em out pretty quickly. Don't view it as rejection; you just culled one that was unsuitable by holding firm and refusing to play the pick me, pick me game.

[JuneL]

My husband took me to a really nice restaurant on the first date and brought flowers.

 

So theres that.

 

How many times have you met your husband in person before your first date? How did you meet, if you don’t mind sharing?

 

That would have been totally the norm in my parents time and culture. But there’s a high chance a romantic relationship leading to marriage would form when the girl accepted a first date from a guy in that time and culture.

[thefooloftheyear]

Didn't read the whole thread but I've never felt taken advantage of..If they like you, then it never seemed one sided....if anything I think it may be the opposite..

 

But I guess I can't fault a guy for being selective with how he does this..And if a woman thinks less of him because of it, its probably because she doesn't really like him...So why even bother going anyway?? I guess that's the question..

 

TFY

[Simple Logic]

Bragging rights. She wanted to tell her friends about this wealthy guy who she had no interest in took her to this expensive restaurant and how she dumped him.

[brigit87]

How many times have you met your husband in person before your first date? How did you meet, if you don’t mind sharing?

 

That would have been totally the norm in my parents time and culture. But there’s a high chance a romantic relationship leading to marriage would form when the girl accepted a first date from a guy in that time and culture.

 

I met my husband once on a blind date. We were with another couple. I never did online dating since I was dating in the 90's and nobody did that stuff.

 

I guess things are different now. It was very normal to just meet a guy at a club or bar hang out dance drink and give him your phone number. Most of the dudes I dated took me to nice restaurants on the first date and plenty brought or sent flowers. Maybe the 90's was the last era for that.

[Els]

I'd rather not since I don't want my location made public. Trust me it's a fairly nice place and is not exactly cheap, with the cheapest entree being over $20 and the most expensive being $40.

 

 

You keep mentioning the price, but for many of us it's not about the price. There are places with $30 mains (or "entrees" for you Americans ) that I wouldn't dine at, and places with $15 mains that I WOULD dine at. Same goes for many of my foodie friends. Why do you automatically assume that the price is her concern?

 

If you don't want to link a place near you, maybe link to a place in another city that you feel is equivalent?

 

There is no way to tell about whether she expects me to pay, but I wouldn't feel right not paying for a 1st date

Sure, but I think it's a bit irrational to immediately classify her as a "gold digger" when you don't even know if she expects you to pay or not, isn't it? What if she was intending to pay for herself all along and just wanted to choose the restaurant?

 

It just sounds to me like you're making a lot of assumptions about money, money and money... when nothing in your opening post even indicates that she is necessarily all about getting money from you. It's just an assumption.

 

That being said, you two do sound very incompatible, so it would be best to call things off. And certainly you are within your rights to not want to go to a specific restaurant, just as she is.

[brigit87]

Bragging rights. She wanted to tell her friends about this wealthy guy who she had no interest in took her to this expensive restaurant and how she dumped him.

 

Who would brag about that????

[cdjudd]

I honestly wouldn't be giving this woman any more of your time or worry. From the get go, it sounds like she is feeling out your level of success in life. There are many levels of success but it sounds like she is looking at it from a monetary perspective which is a sign of someone who functions on surface level and nothing more. You dodged a bullet here and don't think twice about it. When it comes to dating apps, I don't even bother trying that approach with how deceptive people can be with them. You will find someone worth your time but you have to stop looking for it. The good ones only come along when we are not seeking them. I learned this the hard way but it has stuck with me after multiple failures. Best of luck!

[salparadise]

It just sounds to me like you're making a lot of assumptions about money, money and money... when nothing in your opening post even indicates that she is necessarily all about getting money from you. It's just an assumption.

 

 

I'd say it's a reasonable assumption. Sure, there's a chance that she might've taken him to that expensive restaurant and told him to put his money away when the check came... about the same odds as getting struck by lightning, but possible.

 

He offered two different medium cost restaurants and she nixed them both. Not an assumption. This is someone whose identity is based on maintaining appearances and a need for validation involving exclusivity. Remember, we are talking about a first meeting from the Bumble app. I think she should be shopping silk ascots down at the yacht club if she expects this kind of peacocking. The upper echelons are not typically found on dating apps. She'll figure that out eventually. Bless her little heart.

[MaleIntuition]

I doubt that. The most attractive, desirable men I've ever dated have always taken me to the nicest places. These men are driven and it's not a big deal for them to take a woman on a decent date. Usually on the first date, they subtly communicate that they are more than able to provide for a family and I'd never have to work if I didn't want to. These are the men who rarely get friend-zoned, the ones women try hardest to impress.

With such sweeping generalisations I can only assume your sample size is sufficiently large to make said assumption? Which begs the question; where are all these attractive men now? Why doesn’t it work out for you?

 

Another observation is also quite obvious; you’ve already stated that you are attracted to men whom take you to nice places. Attraction is subjective. The above statement boils down to: I’m attracted to the things that I’m attracted to.

 

I'm an anonymous person on a forum. I have no reason to posture or pretend here. I also don't posture or pretend in real life. I'm speaking my truth 100%.

 

I've been wined and dined by millionaires and could have married a few by now, if that's what I wanted. Those guys still approach me, even at my age. I didn't because I'm holding out for real love, not a "lifestyle". And I don't give much of a damn what anybody thinks of how I live my life. I'm rather bohemian and counterculture, a nonconformist by nature.

 

I do want my children to have a safe, comfortable home and enough financial stability that they don't have to worry about health care and other expensive necessities.

I don’t think you are lying to me, but to yourself. Obviously you don’t struggle finding dates. A very common “issue” for some women seems to be that they stop trusting their own intuition and therefore constructs a mental checklist. Does he pay? Plan? Take initiative? Etc. Your stated goal is to find someone whom would make a good father, and one of your criteria is; “he invites me to fancy restaurants on date 1/2”. For that to make any sense; your assumption has to be: Fancy dates means serious which means good father/family provider. And that’s the lie right there. There is simply no such correlation.

[brigit87]

Your stated goal is to find someone whom would make a good father, and one of your criteria is; “he invites me to fancy restaurants on date 1/2”. For that to make any sense; your assumption has to be: Fancy dates means serious which means good father/family provider. And that’s the lie right there. There is simply no such correlation.

 

Actually, it does make sense.

 

Good Restaurant means good food.

 

Good food means good provider.

[CollinW]

Everyone has certain standards. I'm no gold-digger, but any guy who lacks the imagination or seriousness to invite me to something more interesting than Starbucks is of zero interest to me. And if he invites me to some blah chain place like Olive Garden, I'd rather take a nap.

This just means you're not into men, you're just into validation from men. Which is cool, just make it known up front men don't waste their time.

[brigit87]

This just means you're not into men, you're just into validation from men. Which is cool, just make it known up front men don't waste their time.

 

Nope. It just means she's not into The Olive Garden. I ate there once. The food sucked.

[BaileyB]

Actually, it does make sense.

 

Good Restaurant means good food.

 

Good food means good provider.

 

Huh?

 

Let's consider the millionaire entrepreneur. He finds a beautiful woman, asked her out, wine and dines her... But, he has an ego the size of his bank account, he is entitled, and cheating on his wife.

 

By your standards, because he has taken her to a nice restaurant he will be a good provider - worthy partner and good father. I don't think so...

 

There are so many other things to consider when assessing if a man will be a good partner and a good father - a good provider. What about work ethic, honesty, integrity, compassion, and generosity to name but a few...

 

My boyfriend, God help him, loves the soup, salad, and breadsticks at the Olive Garden. I've been to Italy twice, everytime he asks me to go for lunch at the Olive Garden I have try not to roll my eyes... But, he is a wonderful partner and an amazing father. I don't particularly like fine dining - he is usually the one who suggests we go for a really nice meal. But - he also likes the Olive Garden. His choice of restaurant is no reflection of his ability to provide for his family...

[brigit87]

Huh?

 

Let's consider the millionaire entrepreneur. He finds a beautiful woman, asked her out, wine and dines her... But, he has an ego the size of his bank account, he is entitled, and cheating on his wife.

 

By your standards, because he has taken her to a nice restaurant he will be a good provider - worthy partner and good father. I don't think so...

 

There are so many other things to consider when assessing if a man will be a good partner and a good father - a good provider. What about work ethic, honesty, integrity, compassion, and generosity to name but a few...

 

My boyfriend, God help him, loves the soup, salad, and breadsticks at the Olive Garden. I've been to Italy twice, everytime he asks me to go for lunch at the Olive Garden I have try not to roll my eyes... But, he is a wonderful partner and an amazing father. I don't particularly like fine dining - he is usually the one who suggests we go for a really nice meal. But - he also likes the Olive Garden. His choice of restaurant is no reflection of his ability to provide for his family...

 

LOL! A lot of people like the olive garden. If they didn't the chain would close down.

[MaleIntuition]

Actually, it does make sense.

 

Good Restaurant means good food.

 

Good food means good provider.

 

No, that makes absolutely zero sense.

 

Some like expensive and materialistic while others have different priorities, that’s all there is.