Mardelis Posted September 29, 2018 Share Posted September 29, 2018 Men forget and move on. I'm a guy and I've held grudges for years. Does that mean I'm a bisexual or something? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted September 29, 2018 Share Posted September 29, 2018 I'm a guy and I've held grudges for years. Does that mean I'm a bisexual or something? Nah, my husband does the same. In fact, he's worse than me. Does that make me a man? I was speaking of generalizations, of course. I mean, everyone has a story of a wife who can tell you how she was wronged on October 3rd, 2012, while her husband can't tell you what he had for breakfast today. Link to post Share on other sites
Mardelis Posted September 29, 2018 Share Posted September 29, 2018 (edited) Nah, my husband does the same. In fact, he's worse than me. Does that make me a man? Definitely doesn't make you a man anymore than my grudge holding makes my anything less than normal. edited for typo Edited September 29, 2018 by Mardelis 1 Link to post Share on other sites
muse08 Posted September 29, 2018 Share Posted September 29, 2018 I don’t think grudge holding happens more with one gender. Actually, through my experience PEOPLE hold grudges and it typically just depends their ability to cope and on how badly they were hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted September 29, 2018 Author Share Posted September 29, 2018 Good point about grudge holding being gender-less. I definitely don’t think I’m even holding a grudge actually. I just put up a wall in fear of being vulnerable. I’m not mad with anything this guy did. I just feel like you “teach people how to treat you”, even when it’s something no one else may see as BIG. And my memory of things I don’t like actually skips my mind more often than not. I’ll forget hold my ground on an incident, if it’s not a biggie. I’ll forget or just change my mind in the moment, because I simply don’t like holding grudges. It’s draining. I’d be terrible with NO CONTACT because I feel it requires a set of skills that parallel with holding onto old “stuff”. However, being big on principle if the issue is a big issue and it’s repetitive...then yes, I will stand my ground. Like now, there have been a few days since I’ve heard from my guy friend. It’s happened before and he’ll make a big deal out of not seeing me. Well, why on earth would he have the balls to complain when he lets/ we let 2-3 days go by with no contact. Why would I be motivated to put fourth an effort to make myself available every time he wants to see me? This is the push and pull that I can’t stand and I end up throwing up my hands and walking away from men because of it. I have little patience for it. Is that a grudge? Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted September 29, 2018 Author Share Posted September 29, 2018 Actually, now that I think about it. My whole reason for this thread was because I felt like my guy was holding a slight grudge, ie actin weird now that I’ve moved back after moving and him not being happy about my moving away in the first place. He’s the one who brings up stuff (be not seeing him or answering my phone as much as HE’D prefer). Right now AND the tv blasting he did last week, in my kind display him holding a grudge. Link to post Share on other sites
Mardelis Posted September 29, 2018 Share Posted September 29, 2018 Right now AND the tv blasting he did last week, in my kind display him holding a grudge. A grudge is when a person is angry at a person for one or more past incidents. In your case it's an ongoing cycle of you keeping your distance and pushing him away. I know you don't see it that way but that doesn't change what it is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted September 29, 2018 Author Share Posted September 29, 2018 A grudge is when a person is angry at a person for one or more past incidents. In your case it's an ongoing cycle of you keeping your distance and pushing him away. I know you don't see it that way but that doesn't change what it is. What else am I supposed to do? Perhaps we both keep one another at a distance. I must admit I’m used to men who are more aggressive. I know he’s a bit awkward and ambivalent by nature, when it comes to emotions. He’s also mild mannered, as opposed to being some loud obnoxious type of guy. I like that about him... I REALLY do. And while I appreciate him being who he is, i don’t always know how to respond to a guy who is as laid back as I am. I’ve told him that we can’t both be super laid back all the time with each other... we agreed on that. Since then (almost a year ago), we have communicated a little better in tell he other how we feel (good or not so good). It’s been Super slow progress though, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted September 29, 2018 Author Share Posted September 29, 2018 Earlier in the thread someone mentioned that he (my guy) seems to have a sense of entitlement. I agree. Could that be the real issue? If so I need to accept that, be sad for a while and deal with that. Of course no one tells each and every detail of their relationship in their threads, so trust me when I say he may be mild mannered. Still there’s a certain laziness/ entitlement that I saw even before I started this thread. I guess I just feel like I need to figure out if my perception is defensive or if it’s pretty lucid Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted September 29, 2018 Share Posted September 29, 2018 I don’t think grudge holding happens more with one gender. Actually, through my experience PEOPLE hold grudges and it typically just depends their ability to cope and on how badly they were hurt. Well, sure, grudges aren't limited to one gender. I guess what I'm saying is women are better at the details. For example, luvflower and her man get married. Ten years down the road, during an argument, she says 'hey, remember September 18, 2018, the morning that you blasted both TVs at once while I was trying to sleep?' And he'll look at her like 'WTF?' :lmao: Yes, I'm sure there are women who don't do this, but I'll be the first to admit I'm guilty of it. There are many running jokes about it in any marriage forum. Please take this in the humorous spirit I intend it to be. Not painting everyone with the same brush, of course. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted September 29, 2018 Author Share Posted September 29, 2018 Well, sure, grudges aren't limited to one gender. I guess what I'm saying is women are better at the details. For example, luvflower and her man get married. Ten years down the road, during an argument, she says 'hey, remember September 18, 2018, the morning that you blasted both TVs at once while I was trying to sleep?' And he'll look at her like 'WTF?' :lmao: Yes, I'm sure there are women who don't do this, but I'll be the first to admit I'm guilty of it. There are many running jokes about it in any marriage forum. Please take this in the humorous spirit I intend it to be. Not painting everyone with the same brush, of course. Well no harm taken. Only thing is that in my situation, although I’m discussing an incident that JUST happened, he really is the one who brings up details about things that happened. Same thing with my exfiance. As I’ve said before, I’m more of a female ass hole than most women. This isn’t part of my problem I guess. Men expect that as a woman I would be more thoughtful, but I’m not. Hence why I’m here getting advice. I’m not at all offended my even a generalization, but in this thread of mine I brought up one issue of the tv blasting(initial topic of conversation)... and I have a right to. I’m not a complainer in my relationships, the man typically is. And admittedly for good reason sometimes. I can come across aloof and nonchalant and thoughtless ... I juts wish he wouldn’t be passive aggressive to get his point across to me, if that’s even the case of the blasted TVs... Link to post Share on other sites
muse08 Posted September 30, 2018 Share Posted September 30, 2018 OP, interesting point to bring up. “Complaining” isn’t always bad if it’s something you need to communicate. Considering the fact that you seem to NOT like complaining or communicating your needs, it may actually benefit you to complain a little sometimes. I’m almost certain he would consider it almost endearing, making you a bit vulnerable... all depending on your approach. Just something to consider... I just feel you may benefit from showing some vulnerability. Others may wanna chime in on this one... Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted September 30, 2018 Author Share Posted September 30, 2018 OP, interesting point to bring up. “Complaining” isn’t always bad if it’s something you need to communicate. Considering the fact that you seem to NOT like complaining or communicating your needs, it may actually benefit you to complain a little sometimes. I’m almost certain he would consider it almost endearing, making you a bit vulnerable... all depending on your approach. Just something to consider... I just feel you may benefit from showing some vulnerability. Others may wanna chime in on this one... Hmmm, what you’ve said is interesting as well. I hate thinking of myself as a complainer, so that might be a challenge . However, I have “brought a few things to his attention” before... He seems to LIKE engaging in emotional conversations. I enjoy communicating, so please don’t get me wrong. I just don’t like feeling like I’m complaining or repeating myself. Link to post Share on other sites
muse08 Posted October 1, 2018 Share Posted October 1, 2018 Yeah well we all benefit from “communicating”. Just keep that in mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted October 1, 2018 Author Share Posted October 1, 2018 I’m a bit discouraged right now about all this, which typically makes me shutdown. I’m realizing , he hasn’t tried to see me lately. Not since the TV blast actually. Yea we’ve communicated but the tv blast was the morning after I told him “hey! this was the first time I climaxed with you!”(in almost 2 years mind you)... since then we’ve communicated but he mentioned my jokes being serious statements. Yes I like him but I hate feeling like this. Unsure of how I feel. This is what makes me keep seeing other guys. On top of our communication issue, the climax thing will likely always be an issue /dark cloud now. He’s a thinker and thinks way too hard sometimes and internalizes stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
muse08 Posted October 3, 2018 Share Posted October 3, 2018 OP, you CAN initiate contact sometime ya know. As another poster mentioned he sounds a bit afraid of losing you and/or just unsure of himself. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 3, 2018 Share Posted October 3, 2018 He’s a thinker and thinks way too hard sometimes and internalizes stuff. I don't feel like he is the only one... Have you initiated anything? If you want to keep seeing him, plan a fun date and ask him out... Lighten the mood a little... Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted October 4, 2018 Author Share Posted October 4, 2018 I don't feel like he is the only one... Have you initiated anything? If you want to keep seeing him, plan a fun date and ask him out... Lighten the mood a little... Touché... I am the “pot”... But I initiate some of our contact, yes. Not much else though TBH. Right now though, I’m out of town again. He doesn’t even know because neither of us has reached out to see one another in about a week now... which leads me to the possible conclusion that maybe we’re only FWBs... especially now. That makes me sad, really sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted October 4, 2018 Author Share Posted October 4, 2018 Oh, and @ bailyb... I’m always “light”. I’m different from the tone I’m projecting here in LS. That’s one thing he likes about me. He said I make him feel calm and make him laugh, and he likes that... Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted October 4, 2018 Author Share Posted October 4, 2018 I'm not seeing anything that requires explanation. He's put off by your indifferent attitude, he's got other obligations but he's trying to accommodate you because he still cares about you, and because of those obligations he'll be home a few hours after you get there. Next question(s)? I think we’re pretty much FWB now. Do you agree? And if so what can be done at this point? Neither of us has asked to see the other since the morning I described in this thread, ie almost 2 weeks ago. Link to post Share on other sites
muse08 Posted October 6, 2018 Share Posted October 6, 2018 Op, not sure what your status is right now. Try not worrying about a status. You know he likes you but he may very well feel like at this point you’re out of his reach or as if you’ve been focused on someone else all this time of him not “pleasing” you in bed. I’m honestly not sure if a man can snap back from stuff like that unless he’s been married to the woman and they’ve been very intentionally trying to improve like EVERYTHING. With your guy though, he’s likely confused. From the sounds of it you were already living long distance for a while, so his mind has probably been racing and very unsure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted October 6, 2018 Author Share Posted October 6, 2018 Op, not sure what your status is right now. Try not worrying about a status. You know he likes you but he may very well feel like at this point you’re out of his reach or as if you’ve been focused on someone else all this time of him not “pleasing” you in bed. I’m honestly not sure if a man can snap back from stuff like that unless he’s been married to the woman and they’ve been very intentionally trying to improve like EVERYTHING. With your guy though, he’s likely confused. From the sounds of it you were already living long distance for a while, so his mind has probably been racing and very unsure. Yes. I know... I’m confused as well. It’s probably over. Link to post Share on other sites
muse08 Posted October 7, 2018 Share Posted October 7, 2018 Maybe. Maybe not. Communication is the best way to find out. For now though, let it breathe. I say don’t be a doormat just because you may have offended him. You are human. However, be prepared for him to be not very responsive because he’s most likely sulking. He has that right. He’s human too. Link to post Share on other sites
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