I moved. He wasn’t happy. I’m back. He’s happy but weird.

[basil67]

There's still nothing in your updates to indicate that your picker is working well. The disconnect you describe is so cavernous, I can't figure out why you're still seeing him. And I'm not sure why he's still seeing you either. You don't seem to like him that much, let alone love him.

[Mardelis]

Yes, I’m aware of Aspergers. Yes I’ve wondered every now and again if that’s part of my issue because I know several kids who have it. And Larry David really resonates w/me so perhaps I have some Asperger traits but not enough to be easily diagnosed. Many people think I’m just either funny, moody or to your point an @ss hole like Larry... but not many people in my circle even know if Larry David.

 

 

I've seen every episode of CYE except the most recent year because at the moment you gotta pay for it. If you identify with the Larry David character and you've considered you may be on the spectrum then the puzzle pieces are starting to fit together. So then try to understand why your actions are typical of a person who is unable to read the unconsicious and nonverbal cues of their various friends and relationship partners and how this may cause confusion, frustration and conflict.

 

 

The next step is to figure out what you can do about it- and sometimes there isn't all that much you actually can do about it.

[BaileyB]

There's still nothing in your updates to indicate that your picker is working well. The disconnect you describe is so cavernous, I can't figure out why you're still seeing him. And I'm not sure why he's still seeing you either. You don't seem to like him that much, let alone love him.

 

Exactly. You were pretty much ready to ditch him before you moved, it's amazing to me that you are still together. I would suggest, there is a certain desire to stay with what is known and comfortable... Particularly after your last relationship, it sounds like you have found a man that you can (to some extent) control and keep at a distance - and amazingly, he doesn't leave.

 

Sorry... I'm sure you will disagree, but that certainly looks like what is happening here to me.

[luvflower]

There's still nothing in your updates to indicate that your picker is working well. The disconnect you describe is so cavernous, I can't figure out why you're still seeing him. And I'm not sure why he's still seeing you either. You don't seem to like him that much, let alone love him.

 

Perhaps you’re unable to understand context clues and human nuances.

 

The disconnect I described is situational in nature and not as deep as you’re making it sound. The things I say are what many people may think and just don’t say. Yes I said I never climaxed with him in two years... and?

 

However... I’m merely venting what I want to vent. I didn’t come here to get your approval about a “picker”, which you seem to want to magnify. Or maybe you just like the word.

 

I’m mindful enough to know that it takes more than a climax to make a relationship. He has other good qualities like being gentle in his spirit, laughing at my corny jokes, appreciating how calm my presence is(he says I make him feel calm), and he is a really attractive man in my opinion. I’m here because being attractive or a dick isn’t everything. I wanna make sure he’s not being manipulative in his seemingly shy ways.

 

I’m still learning that some of my communication style deserves credit for some of his response.

 

This issue isnt black and white.

[luvflower]

Exactly. You were pretty much ready to ditch him before you moved, it's amazing to me that you are still together. I would suggest, there is a certain desire to stay with what is known and comfortable... Particularly after your last relationship, it sounds like you have found a man that you can (to some extent) control and keep at a distance - and amazingly, he doesn't leave.

 

Sorry... I'm sure you will disagree, but that certainly looks like what is happening here to me.

 

Ready to ditch him??? Wat?

 

My previous response is for you as well.

[basil67]

Perhaps you’re unable to understand context clues and human nuances.

 

The disconnect I described is situational in nature and not as deep as you’re making it sound. The things I say are what many people may think and just don’t say. Yes I said I never climaxed with him in two years... and?

 

However... I’m merely venting what I want to vent. I didn’t come here to get your approval about a “picker”, which you seem to want to magnify. Or maybe you just like the word.

 

I’m mindful enough to know that it takes more than a climax to make a relationship. He has other good qualities like being gentle in his spirit, laughing at my corny jokes, appreciating how calm my presence is(he says I make him feel calm), and he is a really attractive man in my opinion. I’m here because being attractive or a dick isn’t everything. I wanna make sure he’s not being manipulative in his seemingly shy ways.

 

I’m still learning that some of my communication style deserves credit for some of his response.

 

This issue isnt black and white.

 

I'm talking about the picker because a few posts back you were hoping that your picker was better this time. I'm simply telling you that given what you are writing about the relationship, it doesn't seem better. No, you don't need my approval, but if you don't want to discuss whether you're making a good choice, then perhaps it's wiser to not question it here in writing.

 

The thing which speaks most loudly to me is that after all this time the two of you haven't yet connected sufficiently to become exclusive. The fact that he's still dating (unless I've misunderstood) tells me that he thinks he can do better.

[BaileyB]

Ready to ditch him???

 

My apology. I swear I remember you story about moving away and a big debate about whether to stay with the guy, or end it. But, I've looked back at previous threads and I don't see it. I must have you confuse with another poster. My apology.

 

However, looking back at previous posts it kind of confirms what you have said, your picker has been a little off. I do agree with basil that something doesn't seem quite right with this relationship, but I hope I'm wrong.

[luvflower]

My apology. I swear I remember you story about moving away and a big debate about whether to stay with the guy, or end it. But, I've looked back at previous threads and I don't see it. I must have you confuse with another poster. My apology.

 

However, looking back at previous posts it kind of confirms what you have said, your picker has been a little off. I do agree with basil that something doesn't seem quite right with this relationship, but I hope I'm wrong.

 

Apology accepted. And yep something is a bit off. That’s exactly why I’m here to get help sifting through as many details as possible.

 

All the different incidents and pieces of information that I can recall to place here is a bit much sometimes for me to be objective about of course, because I’m directly involved in this. Hence LOVESHACK... which I’m truly thankful for.

 

And just FYI, I welcome clarifying questions. It helps me in the whole though process.

Edited September 25, 2018 by luvflower

[luvflower]

I'm talking about the picker because a few posts back you were hoping that your picker was better this time. I'm simply telling you that given what you are writing about the relationship, it doesn't seem better. No, you don't need my approval, but if you don't want to discuss whether you're making a good choice, then perhaps it's wiser to not question it here in writing.

 

The thing which speaks most loudly to me is that after all this time the two of you haven't yet connected sufficiently to become exclusive. The fact that he's still dating (unless I've misunderstood) tells me that he thinks he can do better.

 

Your points are well taken. And I’m glad you brought this up.

 

I honestly don’t know if he’s still dating other people... not now anyway. I was referring to while I was away. I mentioned that we were both “most likely” seeing other people. I knew for a fact I was. But I never asked him... I just assumed because I was seeing/going out with other men. Why? Because he never stepped up to say “hey Luvflower, I want us to be exclusive”...

 

So what was I supposed to do with that?

 

We did briefly discuss whether or not we “wanted” to see other people during me being away. We both said no it wasn’t what we wanted. And he asked me when o was coming back to homie state to live. I told him a certain month, but ended up coming back a few months later. So he asked me again after my “soft deadline”, wHen was I coming back... I told him when ...and I ended up going back. He was VERY happy I was coming back, but I think the kicker was when I heading back to visit briefly one time(3days), I asked him if we would be going out or where did he want me to meet him, he responded with “well, i planned on us being here(home) because I plan on watching the championship games”(or some sorta games he mentioned. Ok I understand because he’s a real sports fan. But d@mn. He hadn’t seen me all this time and out highlight was gonna be a game at home?

 

(Now it’s coming back to me...) I feel like he doesn’t put forth a great enough effort to go out places. He’s had issues with a back injury for years and he takes several medications so perhaps that’s his main reason but I get upset about him not being direct about why we don’t go out more. That’s probably another reason I sometimes am unmotivated to have sex with him. He wasn’t trying to please me by taking me out or other sweet things? I told him, I said “many times I’m just not motivated because we mainly spend time together inside or in your bed.” It’s a fact. We go out sparingly.

 

So the time I went back to his state and cancelled on him to see my ex, I made the decision because my ex at least likes going out and we were very much sexually compatible.... yep.

 

I don’t want to be between this guy and another, but I think I may be this way unless the current guy in this thread makes it clear that he wants exclusivity.

[luvflower]

He knows I LOVE music. So as we texted earlier today, there was a lull in the conversation somewhat , where I didn’t respond anymore.

 

Then I checked my phone and a little while ago noticing he sent me this dope love song... That type of stuff melts me . He’s a pretty lyrical guy and into words. He’s a bit more sensitive than most men too, which I never mentioned in this thread. Sensitive in the sense that things bother him and he’ll either shut down or we’ll discuss as we did earlier. He was telling me that some of my jokes don’t make him laugh because it’s hard for him to know when I’m serious or joking because I have “a really smart mouth”... I think he was trying to make me feel the sting of that comment. I made a not so funny joke that could’ve been borderline offensive to him but he didn’t get mad. I almost feel like he brought the whole conversation up due to the comment I made the other day about it being the first time I climaxed with him. I was excited and said it in a joking way. At that moment I noticed he didn’t say anything and just had his back to me going to sleep.

 

So I asked him to give me an example of something I said . He said “no examples. Just things I’ve noticed. Some of your jokes are serious statements”.

 

So I let it go after that and neither of us texted anything. Then I’m checking my phone, as I said (above) he’d sent me a love song.

 

Thanks for listening

[luvflower]

Hi guys. I received a post and private message regarding another thread. So I just wanted to clarify that the guy in this thread is not the crazy guy discussed in a previous thread I started.

 

The guy in that thread is REALLY a weirdo. I won’t get into it much in his thread, but even recently I’ve had to give him a final warning ⚠️ to stop contacting me. So perhaps that’s a reason why one of the posters may have confused me wanting to drop a guy ABSOLUTELY from the other thread. This current relationship isn’t perfect obviously,but I haven’t (yet) noticed any signs that would lead to me running for the hills or to get a Protective Order or anything of that nature.

 

Thanks for the concern, sincerely.

[muse08]

From reading your initial post and update it seems as though he’s afraid of making the wrong move with you. When you moved away it most likely got into his head thinking you were seeing another man. It’s just how lots of men think.

 

The song he sent you was nice though. Try staying open to his nice gestures. Also try keeping in mind that your moving away may have a big impact on his behavior now because he doesn’t want you taking him for granted so he didn’t want to appear as if he’s just sitting around waiting for you to stay with him... he probably wanted to make you squirm. Hence the out of state thing at the last minute. I’ve dealt with a similar situation before.

Edited September 26, 2018 by muse08

[luvflower]

From reading your initial post and update it seems as though he’s afraid of making the wrong move with you. When you moved away it most likely got into his head thinking you were seeing another man. It’s just how lots of men think.

 

The song he sent you was nice though. Try staying open to his nice gestures. Also try keeping in mind that your moving away may have a big impact on his behavior now because he doesn’t want you taking him for granted so he didn’t want to appear as if he’s just sitting around waiting for you to stay with him... he probably wanted to make you squirm. Hence the out of state thing at the last minute. I’ve dealt with a similar situation before.

 

Thanks. You have a good point. Makes sense.

 

I responded very positively to the song. So positively that I think he felt the energy. Not sure how things like that will affect his future outlook on our relationship but I think he knows my likes and that while I love sex, it takes more than sex to hold my interest and excite me. Little things like sending me that song meant a lot and things like that are deeds that stick in my mind...

[muse08]

Thanks. You have a good point. Makes sense.

 

I responded very positively to the song. So positively that I think he felt the energy. Not sure how things like that will affect his future outlook on our relationship but I think he knows my likes and that while I love sex, it takes more than sex to hold my interest and excite me. Little things like sending me that song meant a lot and things like that are deeds that stick in my mind...

 

Good @ your positive response to the shared music. Always a nice alternative to generic messages or small talk.

 

Don’t assume though, that he knows your “likes”. Always reward the things you want him to CONTINUE doing!

[MaleIntuition]

Your points are well taken. And I’m glad you brought this up.

 

I honestly don’t know if he’s still dating other people... not now anyway. I was referring to while I was away. I mentioned that we were both “most likely” seeing other people. I knew for a fact I was. But I never asked him... I just assumed because I was seeing/going out with other men. Why? Because he never stepped up to say “hey Luvflower, I want us to be exclusive”...

 

So what was I supposed to do with that?

 

We did briefly discuss whether or not we “wanted” to see other people during me being away. We both said no it wasn’t what we wanted. And he asked me when o was coming back to homie state to live. I told him a certain month, but ended up coming back a few months later. So he asked me again after my “soft deadline”, wHen was I coming back... I told him when ...and I ended up going back. He was VERY happy I was coming back, but I think the kicker was when I heading back to visit briefly one time(3days), I asked him if we would be going out or where did he want me to meet him, he responded with “well, i planned on us being here(home) because I plan on watching the championship games”(or some sorta games he mentioned. Ok I understand because he’s a real sports fan. But d@mn. He hadn’t seen me all this time and out highlight was gonna be a game at home?

 

(Now it’s coming back to me...) I feel like he doesn’t put forth a great enough effort to go out places. He’s had issues with a back injury for years and he takes several medications so perhaps that’s his main reason but I get upset about him not being direct about why we don’t go out more. That’s probably another reason I sometimes am unmotivated to have sex with him. He wasn’t trying to please me by taking me out or other sweet things? I told him, I said “many times I’m just not motivated because we mainly spend time together inside or in your bed.” It’s a fact. We go out sparingly.

 

So the time I went back to his state and cancelled on him to see my ex, I made the decision because my ex at least likes going out and we were very much sexually compatible.... yep.

 

I don’t want to be between this guy and another, but I think I may be this way unless the current guy in this thread makes it clear that he wants exclusivity.

 

You both agreed that you did not want to see other people?

Yet your interpretation was that you are not exclusive?

 

What am I missing?

[luvflower]

You both agreed that you did not want to see other people?

Yet your interpretation was that you are not exclusive?

 

What am I missing?

 

Good question. Although we discussed that, I feel like he never mentioned wanting to be exclusive. He seems a bit awkward sometimes as if he’s not sure of himself or me, waits for my queue. It’s frustrating because when we first met and I had a few trips planned for myself, he also used to do weird stuff like say he was going to the exact city and state I went to once I returned... as if it was a competition. What’s that about???? Please MEN... help me answer that!

 

So I don’t really know if he’s insecure , competing or what. He too is confused about my feelings sometimes. He says it a lot and he could chat all through the day about our communication ambiguity... I guess I may have to ask the he’s question pretty soon. I hate stuff like that but what I hate worse is being confused. I’d rather move on.

 

(this is probably where another poster is seeing me wanting to ditch this guy. I will ditch him before I sit around feeling like he’s playing some game or pretending to me shy, if he that’s what he’s doing.)

[luvflower]

Good @ your positive response to the shared music. Always a nice alternative to generic messages or small talk.

 

Don’t assume though, that he knows your “likes”. Always reward the things you want him to CONTINUE doing!

 

Good point. Thanks

[muse08]

Good point. Thanks

 

You bet.

 

I’ve seen and been involved in many situations where a man may be a good dude but he is simply unaware of what the woman wants, so he does more of what she DOESN'T want because it gets him the most ATTENTION.

 

It’s like a kid in class who gets attention when he/she does something negative.

 

Sometimes we as HUMANS simply aren’t aware of how we direct our energy and attention. Yielding things we don’t necessarily want, versus what we actually do want. Men like attention, but I’ve noticed that many of them don’t know how to ask for it other than acting out or just doing NOTHING... not sure which is better or worse.

 

Behavior reinforcement is REAL and effective when we are mindful of how we use it...for positive purposes of course.

[luvflower]

He just said the other day that I confuse him. When we first met he didn’t take things the way he does now.

 

Now, I can say something funny(IMO), which I did 2 days ago , and he’ll remain pretty serious or non responsive via text.

 

This came up though, not until after I told him the other night was the very first time I’ve climaxed with him. That was almost a week ago now. But like 2 days ago I told he sometimes seems so serious. He says to me that when we first met, he’d take my jokes a face value. But now, he says once he started to thinking, he realized some of my jokes are serious statements.

 

I’ve been sitting with this and trying to figure out what specific statements of mine he’s referring to. I’ve asked him for examples , he texted “no examples... it’s just things I’ve noticed.” If he were referring to my climax comment would he even repeat that as an example...?

 

Otherwise, I told him I almost felt like he was just trying to get under my skin since he couldn’t provide even one instance. He denied that being his aim at all.

[MidwestUSA]

He just said the other day that I confuse him. When we first met he didn’t take things the way he does now.

 

Now, I can say something funny(IMO), which I did 2 days ago , and he’ll remain pretty serious or non responsive via text.

 

This came up though, not until after I told him the other night was the very first time I’ve climaxed with him. That was almost a week ago now. But like 2 days ago I told he sometimes seems so serious. He says to me that when we first met, he’d take my jokes a face value. But now, he says once he started to thinking, he realized some of my jokes are serious statements.

 

I’ve been sitting with this and trying to figure out what specific statements of mine he’s referring to. I’ve asked him for examples , he texted “no examples... it’s just things I’ve noticed.” If he were referring to my climax comment would he even repeat that as an example...?

 

Otherwise, I told him I almost felt like he was just trying to get under my skin since he couldn’t provide even one instance. He denied that being his aim at all.

 

Okay, he can't think of an example. And you're going to drive yourself nuts wondering about the climax comment.

 

So stop. Tell him that from here out, you want him to call you on it on the spot. If you make a comment, and he's not clear on your intent (serious, humor, sarcasm), then he will ask.

 

Don't dwell on and try to dissect what's been said in the past, focus on the present and future. Practice good communication skills. There is a serious mismatch here, but I think you two can get to a point here you understand each other better.

[luvflower]

Okay, he can't think of an example. And you're going to drive yourself nuts wondering about the climax comment.

 

So stop. Tell him that from here out, you want him to call you on it on the spot. If you make a comment, and he's not clear on your intent (serious, humor, sarcasm), then he will ask.

 

Don't dwell on and try to dissect what's been said in the past, focus on the present and future. Practice good communication skills. There is a serious mismatch here, but I think you two can get to a point here you understand each other better.

 

Yep, thanks. Makes sense.

 

But just FYI, I’m sure he CAN think of an example. He just refuses to rehash whatever comments I’ve said to make him go “hmmm”. He’s in his head a lot and doesn’t share some of the thing I feel like he should.

 

Sidebar: He puts a pair of my panties in his pillow every time I go to his place so that it looks like he keeps them there... Cute (just something I thought about).

[MidwestUSA]

Yep, thanks. Makes sense.

 

But just FYI, I’m sure he CAN think of an example. He just refuses to rehash whatever comments I’ve said to make him go “hmmm”. He’s in his head a lot and doesn’t share some of the thing I feel like he should.

 

Sidebar: He puts a pair of my panties in his pillow every time I go to his place so that it looks like he keeps them there... Cute (just something I thought about).

 

I'm sure he could think of an example, he doesn't want to dredge up history. That's the difference between men and women. We can recite every slight and injustice ever done to us. Men forget and move on. Sometimes I think I'd do better as a man, LOL. Just to be ABLE to forget would sometimes be a bonus.

 

So, how do you know he DOESN'T keep them there all the time?

[luvflower]

I'm sure he could think of an example, he doesn't want to dredge up history. That's the difference between men and women. We can recite every slight and injustice ever done to us. Men forget and move on. Sometimes I think I'd do better as a man, LOL. Just to be ABLE to forget would sometimes be a bonus.

 

So, how do you know he DOESN'T keep them there all the time?

 

True. I definitely agree with you about forgetting.

 

Though if he truly forgot he wouldn’t bring stuff up all the time. He’s a real smart guy and brings up things to get my attn , talks about it all day then stops when he’s got my attention , I feel like to have me curious or anxious.

 

Yeah right @ “The panties”. They may be kept there all the time. I’m just being realistic and open to the fact that he could be have another woman over at any point in time especially with me being gone for a while AND because he often complains about me being so hard to read. He seems like a patient man but I feel like he’s human and he’s a man and I’ve gone out with other guys so I’m sure he’s been with other women since I’ve been gone...

Edited September 28, 2018 by luvflower

[muse08]

OP, no offense but you seem to be pragmatic, but also rather cynical much of the time. Yes, that will protect your emotions on some occasions. Still, at the end do you realize it’s not allowing yourself to be vulnerable, the least bit. Or it can make you appear super closed off to him or any other man. Like you, they need to know you’re “real” and sincere as well... it really does go both ways :-) .

 

Just some more stuff for you to think about when planning your seemingly very careful responses to him/men.

[luvflower]

Yea, thanks Muse08. I realize that, in theory... It’s just putting it into practice of course, that presents a disconnect for me.

 

Haven’t heard from him since our last text 3 days ago. This is where I typically start creating reasons to put up a thicker barrier... I get really tired of the push and pull... like seriously.

 

Why can’t these interactions be easy, like all the time?