I moved. He wasn’t happy. I’m back. He’s happy but weird.

[luvflower]

Doesn't sound like you are well matched.

 

It also appears you both have other active options.

 

Probably time to call time on this one if you want to focus on dating just one person. It seems pretty clear you aren't good options for each other for that.

 

Yea... I figured that might be the case but didn’t really feel like accepting it. Because I do like him on some levels, but on the levels that really matter to me... I don’t feel we’re compatible.

[luvflower]

Oh boy, is this guy's name Sam? I dealt with a man just like this. Played a lot of games and only wanted a physical relationship.

 

I don't think you two are on the page. He is likely pretending to want a relationship to appease you. He doesn't really want the entire package that comes with a relationship. He is more interested in the physical aspect of your "relationship" than anything else.

 

If you want a real relationship then maybe you should find someone else.

 

Lol, no his name isn’t Sam.

 

Still perhaps some of your statement is true about him. Thing is, the majority of his actions is just socially awkward and/or inappropriate.

 

1- he’s called me a morning or two saying he was on my street as if he wanted to see me but he didn’t come out and say it.

2- he literally texted me all day one day talking about how I frustrate him by being nonchalant and me moving away only made it worse

3- why would any man go or say he’s going to each and every state you have just returned from when you return? Is that competition or him just making me think he’s going to check up on me or something dumb like that

4- he knows how I typically pull away from sexual activity a lot, still he asks me over a lot. Maybe he just keeps hope alive...?

5- when I stay over, I tend to leave quickly after we wake up. Even if we’ve been intimate the night before already, once we shower and he gets out I’ll be dressed and ready to go. He’s made an issue out of that to the point where I’m thinking in my head, we already had sex and YOU had a happy ending. What more do you want? I’ve had to explain to him SEVERAL times why I leave so hastily... it’s just a habit of mine and I like giving people /him space especially once I’ve been there all nite. He’s even tried keeping there longer by finding several things to talk about and show me once we wake up... I have honestly felt bad for wanting to rush off but it’s just me.

 

So I can’t sit here and paint the picture that he’s all about sex. He is however insecure, but I will not treat him like a little boy to reaffirm him all the time. That’s not something I’m a fan of especially when a man is not correcting his insecure ways.

[Estes]

You two are in totally different places as far as what you both want in a relationship, since you want less, he's suffering for it.

[luvflower]

You two are in totally different places as far as what you both want in a relationship, since you want less, he's suffering for it.

 

But I never said I wanted less... I just feel like he’s used to women making things easy for him because he gives off this insecure vibe, making some women probably feel sorry for him. And that type of behavior makes me so just the opposite of what I feel like he’s trying to do.

 

He even sent me a link of him being interviewed. He was making reference to this tv show called ...”Insecure”... but during the interview he was making reference to a scenario that he and I had been through. Why he sent me his link was beyond me, but he did. When I checked the number of listeners of the interview it was only like 3... making me almost feel like he set up the whole scenario to get a message across to me indirectly. But all he explained about it was hat he wanted me to listen to his voice to see how he sounded... wtf? Come on.... It seems almost like tv material but this is how bizarre the series of events have been with him and maybe I’m just stupid for dealing with him after those weird issues. You wouldn’t expect that from him though and the type of job he has. he’s very intelligent and can have great conversation. But when I’m not as forthright about my intimate thoughts regarding him or my emotion or physical arousal, he makes an issue out of it, sometimes directly but mostly indirectly .....or.... he will do something to get a REACTION out of me, eg cause an argument or cause me to defend myself.

 

Hey, I may have just had an epiphany...

[Estes]

But I never said I wanted less

 

 

You've said in almost every post you've made, even if you don't use those exact words.

[BaileyB]

You've said in almost every post you've made, even if you don't use those exact words.

 

I would actually say that you have said you want "more" in almost every post you've made, just not in those specific words...

 

I believe one post said "his penis isn't the size I would prefer it to be..."

 

Seriously, if this guy is insecure, lazy, only wants sex, has a penis that is the "wrong size," and he's not pleasing you sexually... Why do you stay? Why does he stay with you if this is what you think of him? I'm trying to understand the attraction here...

[luvflower]

You've said in almost every post you've made, even if you don't use those exact words.

 

Really...? I’m not aware of that exact sentiment. Seriously. I want less issues yes. But I don’t want less of something real. I want him to not sit back expecting me to always come to him, rather than him coming to me sometimes as well.

 

Granted we have gone out every now and then and our first date was near where I live actually. Still, something is off about him. And it just turns me off to the point where I don’t mind still seeing him but I won’t be an emotional robot for him. It’s like he expects me to say and tell him everything when he doesn’t say or do everything either. He’s like very cryptic in the stuff he says. I guess I’m just cryptic period since I don’t linger around him and since I moved away to another state...? Just saying...

[luvflower]

I would actually say that you have said you want "more" in almost every post you've made, just not in those specific words...

 

I believe one post said "his penis isn't the size I would prefer it to be..."

 

Seriously, if this guy is insecure, lazy, only wants sex, has a penis that is the "wrong size," and he's not pleasing you sexually... Why do you stay? Why does he stay with you if this is what you think of him? I'm trying to understand the attraction here...

 

We have great chemistry when we’re together and in conversations. We’re definitely physically attracted to one another. He just isn’t aware of how displeased I was sexually. He had to know I wasn’t climaxing... if he didn’t, he knows now since I told him 2 nites ago that it was my first time climaxing with him and it was great! Although I feel like I made the climax happen the way we women can...

 

Anyhoo I also stick around because he has been very sweet and accommodating at times even when it’s not all about sex , I’m just frustrated right now I think because of him coming at me sideways.

 

Another for me sticking around is because I didn’t feel like being completely alone when I camento town. There was a time I went back in his town. I was supposed to see him and the good portion of the day he was waiting to see me that evening when I got in town. But I’ll be honest, a better option came along who I knew the sexual experience would be better with. So I cancelled on this guy I’m discussing and went to see someone else. Yes I feel bad for that but I guess in my mind I felt like the guy in subject here needs to realize that I do have options.

[Estes]

Really...? I’m not aware of that exact sentiment. Seriously. I want less issues yes. But I don’t want less of something real.

 

 

Read your posts 22 23 24 27 which are all about you keeping your distance and not about committing and building something strong and unique.

[luvflower]

Read your posts 22 23 24 27 which are all about you keeping your distance and not about committing and building something strong and unique.

 

I can see how you would interpret those posts as such, but in writing them I wasn’t thinking I want less.

 

I want less if he’s going to play these cryptic games, which only magnify things that bother me about him.

 

The idea that someone behavior can change their allure is very true. If we could get to a place where we’re seeing each other without a bunch of games then I would be happier. Right now though, I think he’s frustrated with me as I am with him , but for different reasons.

[smackie9]

To "discuss/communicate" is to talk about the important issues, not "confront" about every detail...nice try but that is no argument there.

 

 

If you want less issues you have to communicate, show some vulnerability, and take that wall down you keep defending. I don't think he's being lazy, he's unsure because you keep a poker face. He doesn't know he isn't fulfilling your expectations, but does that truly make him a bad person? He can't help you with this unless you talk to him. He can't read your mind, and I know he is ready to find out. Expecting him to just know all these things, as to show he values you, is why you have "issues". So this is where you are at....communicate and discover he can be the guy you want to be with and make everything better or at least start to and hopefully he will learn to talk to you too.

 

 

You came here to get some insight and maybe some direction??? or do you just like proving people they're wrong and you have all the answers? Because it's sure looking that way throughout this thread. The posters do have some legitimate perspective on your situation. What is holding you back from having a "what are we doing?" and "what do you want out of this?" conversation?

 

 

Just because he's a man doesn't mean he has to take that first step. It seem you have a lot into this guy and don't want to give up, so give in and let him see what's in your heart.

Edited September 22, 2018 by smackie9

[luvflower]

If you want less issues you have to communicate, show some vulnerability, and take that wall down you keep defending. I don't think he's being lazy, he's unsure because you keep a poker face.

 

Well I can’t argue with you at all on that. You’re spot on. And you’re not the first person to say that about me. He’s told me he’s unsure ...verbatim. He mentioned he’s not sure how much energy to invest because of how he’s not knowing how I feel.

[smackie9]

Well I can’t argue with you at all on that. You’re spot on. And you’re not the first person to say that about me. He’s told me he’s unsure ...verbatim. He mentioned he’s not sure how much energy to invest because of how he’s not knowing how I feel.

 

 

If you think he is worth it, and don't want to throw it all away....you are going to have to fight for it....an outcome of great reward.

[luvflower]

You came here to get some insight and maybe some direction??? or do you just like proving people they're wrong and you have all the answers?

 

Definitely NOT the case, even if it appears that way to you or anyone else. I love hearing other points of view. However, if i feel like someone has misinterpreted something I stated, then I’m going to speak up... no doubt.

 

Other than that I love hearing different perspectives. None of us are ? right or wrong. It’s about opinion. I don’t think anyone should be bullied into agreeing with feedback though.

 

Nevertheless, I appreciate your input.

[luvflower]

If you think he is worth it, and don't want to throw it all away....you are going to have to fight for it....an outcome of great reward.

 

Fight how? To be honest I am afraid to put forth more effort being that we’ve been long distance and there are other nuances to our relationship that would take a long time to share here unless someone asks specifically to hear it.

 

I see potential in “us” but I’m afraid to get hurt and end up in a bad place emotionally. I’ve worked hard to keep my heart well after I left my ex several years ago. I guess I can be stubborn but I’m willing to try... though with caution

[smackie9]

I didn't say you have to put in more effort, you need to have a talk with him to get some clarity of what you both want and expect from each other...once that's done, things should become effortless between you two. Just let it all out, give it to him straight. Everyone is worried about getting hurt....that's because you are falling for him. It's perfectly normal to feel anxious, but excited at the same time. I think he's worried about losing you tbh.

Edited September 22, 2018 by smackie9

[Normm]

You’re both responding to one another in an antagonistic manner because of what is interpreted as bad behavior on the part of the other. It’s a vicious cycle that has gone from bad to worse and won’t fix itself unless both of you are open and honest with each other about what’s bothering you.

[BaileyB]

Sorry friend, you have to be vulnerable if you want to be in a loving relationship.

 

It seems to me that you have pretty high expectations for this guy, and yet you keep him at a distance and treat him badly (going out with someone else).

 

That’s not going to work if you want a happy and strong relationship. You will need to let your guard down and let go of this “I’ll get him before he gets me” attitude (also very evident in your comments to the posters of this forum).

[luvflower]

I didn't say you have to put in more effort, you need to have a talk with him to get some clarity of what you both want and expect from each other...once that's done, things should become effortless between you two. Just let it all out, give it to him straight. Everyone is worried about getting hurt....that's because you are falling for him. It's perfectly normal to feel anxious, but excited at the same time. I think he's worried about losing you tbh.

 

I agree. Honestly, I know I can be a bit of a wuss when it comes to starting dialogue about my own relationships.

 

Thing is, this guy actually enjoys talking about stuff like that. When we do discuss things of that nature I can see it in his eyes and hear in his voice that he’s into it. Sometimes though, he’ll say things just to put me in defense mode. I think he secretly likes watching me/ hearing me get flustered, i.e. showing vulnerability as you mentioned. I have issues and I’m aware of it. I need some work...

 

Meanwhile I’ll continue doing the work on me while trying to be fair in this situation. I do like him. The size of his penis is really not everything. I can work with it. But I honestly need to know his intentions as well... so that’s where we are. I’ll think of a way to gradually get the dialogue going unless he starts it before me... it happens sometimes.

[luvflower]

Sorry friend, you have to be vulnerable if you want to be in a loving relationship.

 

It seems to me that you have pretty high expectations for this guy, and yet you keep him at a distance and treat him badly (going out with someone else).

 

That’s not going to work if you want a happy and strong relationship. You will need to let your guard down and let go of this “I’ll get him before he gets me” attitude (also very evident in your comments to the posters of this forum).

 

Yea I get what you’re saying to a certain degree. However, we BOTH were seeing other people I’m sure doing the time I’ve been out of state. We never established being exclusive... that’s the dialogue I have to be prepared to have and be prepared whatever the outcome may be.

 

Thanks though for your feedback... sincerely.

[luvflower]

Thank you too @smackie9

[luvflower]

Update. So I never addressed the weird out of state stuff because I honestly wasn’t that bothered by it and I kind of know how he operates. Almost childish in the sense that ever since I took those trips early in our relationship, he seems to try to “one up” me just to get a reaction from me.. especially since he says I act so indifferent most of the time about everything else. Eg, when we can’t see each other due to our schedules, etc I typically respond with “well we’ll try some other time” or “alright. Don’t worry about it”. He said that frustrates him. So when he got home from out of town I was just glad to see him and so I didn’t make a deal out of it. Plus I was tired. Next day we were both less tired so we talked more , but I didn’t ask about anything to cause an argument bcuz I didn’t feel necessary. So before going to sleep he watches the game in the living room. I shower and go in his room to just get on my phone watching YouTube Mukbang... love it! It’s how I relax.

 

:cool:He walks in and I say, “come on babe, time to go to bed”. He liked it I guess bcuz it was as if I wanted him next to me and I expressed it; something I do sparingly. So he smiled and said “I know... but I’m watching the game out there(living room), or can I watch it in here. I jokingly said, “ahhh you can finish watching out there...” he laughed/I laughed. He finally came to bed. We were intimate . It was GREAT!

 

Woke up next morning to him turning on, i.e. BLASTING the tv in the bedroom AND in the living room. Mind you, it’s a one bedroom apartment so everything is pretty much compact. So I’m still sleep( but confused in my sleep), he’s getting ready for work bcuz he has to be at work MUCH earlier than me. The noise wakes me up and so do the lights. So I’m in and out of sleep thinking I’m dreaming but still hearing movement around me. I never wake up completely bcuz I try forcing myself back to sleep. I have insomnia so when I sleep I need GOOD sleep... So I texted him later in the morning asking if I was dreaming or did he have both TVs on this morning? He responds with several cry/laughing emojis saying “yes, I had both TVs on. I was ironing on the bedroom then Decided to watch tv and iron in the living room.” So basically at this point I was confused about why he never once said “sorry, my bad babe, did I wake you, etc”. He kept sending laughing emojis and I am dead serious letting him know I couldn’t understand why he would not realize it was too much. He’s never ever done that out of all the times we’ve been together. It was as if he:

 

1- wanted to tell me “now! This is MY PLACE. I’ll do whatever the the heck I wanna do with my TVs.

2- he wanted to wake me as early as him yet and still he doesn’t like me rushing off to leave in the mornings... this was one time I wish I had left fast... but he later said... (still not apologizing) that he guesses he’s alone so much that it didn’t occur to him how his actions might have affected me. But my point was well taken and he thanked me almost sarcastically. I never responded. Next day I did wish him a good day, sending positive energy and letting him know I’m not all bent out of shape about his little dumb /thoughtless action.

 

I am however, on pause about him. I don’t like negative actions like that or passive aggressiveness . So if I stay in avoidance mode with him, this will be the main reason why. And I don’t want to beat a dead horse about the other morning TVs blast contest...

 

What do you think he was thinking when blasting the TVs? ... nothing?

Edited September 23, 2018 by luvflower

[MidwestUSA]

It's quite possible he just wasn't thinking, or he thought you'd be getting up as well.

 

But, see what you're doing? You're planning on giving him the avoidant treatment. It's not going to accomplish anything. The time to speak was when your sleep was disturbed. You should have shaken yourself out of that dream state and simply asked him what was up, 'hey, I'm not quite ready to get up, can you tone it down?'

 

He apologized in his own way, admitting that he's alone so much, he didn't think of how his actions affect others. That's more than you'll get a lot of men to admit. Do you need candy and roses? The emojis were him trying to get you to laugh it off.

 

If you want to confuse/alienate him further, go ahead and give him the silent treatment. Depends on what your end goal here is.

 

Good luck!

[luvflower]

It's quite possible he just wasn't thinking, or he thought you'd be getting up as well.

 

But, see what you're doing? You're planning on giving him the avoidant treatment. It's not going to accomplish anything. The time to speak was when your sleep was disturbed. You should have shaken yourself out of that dream state and simply asked him what was up, 'hey, I'm not quite ready to get up, can you tone it down?'

 

He apologized in his own way, admitting that he's alone so much, he didn't think of how his actions affect others. That's more than you'll get a lot of men to admit. Do you need candy and roses? The emojis were him trying to get you to laugh it off.

 

If you want to confuse/alienate him further, go ahead and give him the silent treatment. Depends on what your end goal here is.

 

Good luck!

 

Thanks. Points well taken.

 

Yea I didn’t go with the silent treatment though. I just never responded to his last text which really didn’t warrant a response. I did text that following day just telling him to have a good day.

 

How was I suppose to wake myself out of the almost dream state... ? Lol... seriously sleep is an issue for me. It’s hard for me to wake once I’m sleep. I take meds for it and all. I do kind of wish I could’ve woken myself in the moment to do a quick hit of the issue and move on... but hey at least I addressed it that morning and didn’t wait to let it fester in me. I at least felt better speaking up rather than never speaking up.

 

But yea, to be clear I don’t plan on giving him the silent treatment. I just don’t have much else to say after telling him to have a good day. He pleasantly reciprocated so the line of communication is open.

 

My goal is to just keep the line of communication open. And...not have to prompt him to address stuff like that in the future. Like lots of men, he can be stubborn. It’s draining.

[MidwestUSA]

Thanks. Points well taken.

 

Yea I didn’t go with the silent treatment though. I just never responded to his last text which really didn’t warrant a response. I did text that following day just telling him to have a good day.

 

How was I suppose to wake myself out of the almost dream state... ? Lol... seriously sleep is an issue for me. It’s hard for me to wake once I’m sleep. I take meds for it and all. I do kind of wish I could’ve woken myself in the moment to do a quick hit of the issue and move on... but hey at least I addressed it that morning and didn’t wait to let it fester in me. I at least felt better speaking up rather than never speaking up.

 

But yea, to be clear I don’t plan on giving him the silent treatment. I just don’t have much else to say after telling him to have a good day. He pleasantly reciprocated so the line of communication is open.

 

My goal is to just keep the line of communication open. And...not have to prompt him to address stuff like that in the future. Like lots of men, he can be stubborn. It’s draining.

 

 

Sorry to hear about your sleep issues. Quality sleep is important. Does he know of your trouble? If not, good time to let him know, especially if it's bad enough to warrant meds. And yes, always try to speak up rather than brood over stuff.

 

You may NEVER get to the point where you don't have to prompt him with some things. I've been married more than five years, and a 2x4 is still necessary most of the time! Seriously stubborn, and dense to boot. You just need to find the best way to go about it. I use humor; passive aggressive or silence is just going to make things worse. It sounds like he attempts to use humor and/or sarcasm; you might get thru to him if you mimic his methods.

 

Anyway, again, best of luck! This incident is over; don't hang onto it.