I moved. He wasn’t happy. I’m back. He’s happy but weird.

[BaileyB]

Relationships are going to be hard for you if you continue to make assumptions about everyday occurrences and then get your knickers in a knot over every little thing.

 

Seriously, he is a guy. He probably wasn't thinking and it meant nothing. And yet, here you are - making assumptions and putting your walls up again "I'm on pause again about him." I hate to tell you this, but the person who is passive aggressive in this relationship - is YOU!

 

To have a successful relationship, you need to give the other person the benefit of the doubt and let a LOT of stuff go. If you were unhappy, the time to address it was in the moment. Or, a gentle reminder not to wake you next time you see him. Otherwise, let it go...

 

ETA, yesterday I texted my guy at 9am and woke him up. To my knowledge, he didn't start thinking - she must think that I'm lazy, or she wants me to know that things happen on her schedule, not mine, or that he was going to out me "on pause." You have to stop doing this if you want to be happy in your relationship...

Edited September 23, 2018 by BaileyB

[luvflower]

Thanks guys. Getting feedback from people who are actually in long term relationships sincerely helps. I am learning as I go& so is the rest of the world I guess. Each one of us is different and so are most situations.

 

In my defense though, if you’re not in the relationship you can’t tell me that I’m “the one” who’s passive aggressive. Please try reading more of the thread before making a statement like that. I know I’m not perfect and mature about everything but I’m pretty outspoken for the most part... in real life and real time.

 

Sometimes though I like giving a man room to be who he is and give him a chance to address stuff before I come giving my input right away. And what I have learned is to NOT always tell a person everything about what you like or don’t like all the time because only then will you see who they really are without them putting on a front. I’m not doing anything to this guy, I don’t think, that’s passive aggressive. I have discussed it.

 

Venting in here is just what it is. Venting so that we posters don’t have to say every little useless thing to the significant other. I don’t nag that’s for sure and it causes men to think I simply just don’t care. I’ve heard it many times. I tend to take take and take until I can’t take anymore, especially if I’ve addressed something once already. Then I get really angry or I just leave. So I’m working on finding a sweet spot /a balance to be able to communicate my likes &dislikes without being too much of anything.

[luvflower]

And when I say I’m “on pause”, I only mean that I’m metaphorically looking at him sideways... standing sill... a bit confused, etc. all that

 

... it doesn’t mean I’m ghosting him or telling him “peace out”. Well not yet anyway, .

[luvflower]

Sorry to hear about your sleep issues. Quality sleep is important. Does he know of your trouble? If not, good time to let him know, especially if it's bad enough to warrant meds. And yes, always try to speak up rather than brood over stuff.

 

You may NEVER get to the point where you don't have to prompt him with some things. I've been married more than five years, and a 2x4 is still necessary most of the time! Seriously stubborn, and dense to boot. You just need to find the best way to go about it. I use humor; passive aggressive or silence is just going to make things worse. It sounds like he attempts to use humor and/or sarcasm; you might get thru to him if you mimic his methods.

 

Anyway, again, best of luck! This incident is over; don't hang onto it.

 

Hey thanks. I’ve mentioned my sleep issues to him before yes. This is mainly why I feel like he did the TV blast on purpose . I really believe he wanted a reaction from me in the moment or just wanted us to have some heated /engaging discussion ...

 

We’ve had all day texting sessions that were very engaging and at one point when I was about to “throw my hands up” to stop texting , he was like: “ We’re finally having a REAL conversation and seeing what each other is made of, so I don’t want to make you shut down.”

 

I like his effort to open up our communication but I’m learning that he likes lots of dialogue, even if it means heated discussions or ticking me off. We both like a good debate/dialogue but I’m just venting here because I want to learn how to deal with more effectively and learn if this type of communication is healthy, ie desire for dialogue by any means necessary...?

[smackie9]

This is what I see...you can easily change his way of communicating with you, if you change the way you do it with him. Like I said, if you open yourself up more to expressing your feelings to him, he's going to respond differently to you. A man feels like a man if his woman shows vulnerability to him...that's his cue that you trust him on a deeper level, and he will want to be your soul protector. That is how intimacy and deep connecting starts from. You don't have to be crying in his arms, but you need to be more open to showing yourself. And yes I have been with my guy for almost 29 years. I know we could never have lasted that long without being emotionally open to each other.

[basil67]

I just feel like he’s used to women making things easy for him....

 

I'm not sure if anyone else picked up on this. In a loving relationship, each person does make things easy for the other. They communicate their needs, they don't hold grudges if someone makes a mistake, they are kind when the other is feeling low, they anticipate the needs of the other.

 

In other words, the women who've made things easy for him know how to do relationships in a mature manner.

[BaileyB]

In my defense though, if you’re not in the relationship you can’t tell me that I’m “the one” who’s passive aggressive. Please try reading more of the thread before making a statement like that. I know I’m not perfect and mature about everything but I’m pretty outspoken for the most part... in real life and real time.

 

Sometimes though I like giving a man room to be who he is and give him a chance to address stuff before I come giving my input right away. And what I have learned is to NOT always tell a person everything about what you like or don’t like all the time because only then will you see who they really are without them putting on a front. I’m not doing anything to this guy, I don’t think, that’s passive aggressive. I have discussed it.

 

I'll just say, I have read this whole thread, and your previous threads. I know you are not perfect and mature, but I still think you put your guard up pretty easily, have a "I'll get him before he can hurt me" attitude, and that causes you to sometimes be passive aggressive. Just my humble opinion, do with it what you would like...

 

There is a big difference between "being outspoken" and knowing how to pick your battles and make your needs known in an assertive but kind and respectful way.

 

Again, with kindness, you should most definitely give a man room and not tell him everything that you like/dislike - not because that is how you will see who they really are without putting up a front but because it is the kind and respectful thing to do for another human being.

[BaileyB]

I'm not sure if anyone else picked up on this. In a loving relationship, each person does make things easy for the other. They communicate their needs, they don't hold grudges if someone makes a mistake, they are kind when the other is feeling low, they anticipate the needs of the other.

 

In other words, the women who've made things easy for him know how to do relationships in a mature manner.

 

Most definitely. The wisdom of a woman who knows...

[coolheadal]

Hey, thanks for this post.

 

Yeah, I’ve thought about things from his perspective. However, I didn’t “leave him” necessarily. I moved for work related stuff and he understood my reasons before I moved. Though he did ask when I’d come back. I came back a few months later than I initially said. He complains every now and then to possibly gauge how much sympathy I’ll have for him.

 

I agree with another poster, that he’s lazy and really does feel entitled for whatever reason. It’s not like the s*x is all that great. It’s ok. We do have chemistry, but again he complains a bit too much sometimes for what he actually brings to the table...

 

I’ll see how things go, but I’m not sure that he’s someone I can consider to be someone SERIOUS or EXCLUSIVE simply because he definitely seems lazy and entitled and a bit timid until I deny him s*x.

 

Sometimes I feel like I don’t want to waste my time with him in bed bcuz I’ve never ever climaxed with him until one day ago. This is after almost 2 years of seeing each other.

 

Wow! Fortification with you both is that bad in the sense as you said but you can live with what you can get from it. Still your still unsettle with his behavior. So he's a lazy man but you don't consider him to be a lousy BF right just lazy. No one is entitled to the fortification process. It happen when you both want it so much. He can take a back seat for now. I see you care, like and love him enough to go through all of this. I see he has made some changes since your first post and this reply back to me. I am glad he's open up more and made things work for you. Good luck!

[luvflower]

I'm not sure if anyone else picked up on this. In a loving relationship, each person does make things easy for the other. They communicate their needs, they don't hold grudges if someone makes a mistake, they are kind when the other is feeling low, they anticipate the needs of the other.

 

In other words, the women who've made things easy for him know how to do relationships in a mature manner.

 

I really like this post. I’m working on myself I’m this area. So trust me, I’m taking heed.

 

I do however wonder how much a man values a woman who makes everything too easy for a man. People start taking people for granted... no?

[BaileyB]

I really like this post. I’m working on myself I’m this area. So trust me, I’m taking heed.

 

I do however wonder how much a man values a woman who makes everything too easy for a man. People start taking people for granted... no?

 

It's not about making "everything" easy for them... As in, cooking their meals, doing their dishes, paying the rent, etc... Sure - people can sometimes get lazy, take their partner for granted, and the relationship becomes one-sided. That is not a good relationship. One partner is getting their needs met, while the other partner is not.

 

In the best relationships, both partners work to make life easier for the other. It's give, and take. As basil said, if someone is busy with work, the other will have dinner waiting at home. Or, if one partner is stressed about something, the other partner is ready to listen and help if they can. Or, if someone does something inconsiderate, the other person lets it go without making a big deal because they know there was no ill will... It's about doing what is required to ease the burden on your partner - and they will do the same for you. That is love.

[basil67]

It's not about making "everything" easy for them... As in, cooking their meals, doing their dishes, paying the rent, etc... Sure - people can sometimes get lazy, take their partner for granted, and the relationship becomes one-sided. That is not a good relationship. One partner is getting their needs met, while the other partner is not.

 

In the best relationships, both partners work to make life easier for the other. It's give, and take. As basil said, if someone is busy with work, the other will have dinner waiting at home. Or, if one partner is stressed about something, the other partner is ready to listen and help if they can. Or, if someone does something inconsiderate, the other person lets it go without making a big deal because they know there was no ill will... It's about doing what is required to ease the burden on your partner - and they will do the same for you. That is love.

 

Indeed.

 

The operative words in my post were *each person*. Making things easy isn't just the job of one, it's about both people making things easy for each other.

[luvflower]

It's not about making "everything" easy for them... As in, cooking their meals, doing their dishes, paying the rent, etc... Sure - people can sometimes get lazy, take their partner for granted, and the relationship becomes one-sided. That is not a good relationship. One partner is getting their needs met, while the other partner is not.

 

In the best relationships, both partners work to make life easier for the other. It's give, and take. As basil said, if someone is busy with work, the other will have dinner waiting at home. Or, if one partner is stressed about something, the other partner is ready to listen and help if they can. Or, if someone does something inconsiderate, the other person lets it go without making a big deal because they know there was no ill will... It's about doing what is required to ease the burden on your partner - and they will do the same for you. That is love.

 

 

Yep. Good stuff in this post. I agree with you. I’ve been engaged before. We lived together for a small while, after getting tired of lugging our things over to each other’s places almost every other day because we loved being around each other. It was GREAT at first... we were organic with one another. I’ve been that fiancé cooking after coming home from work. Loving his son as if he were my own, when he came to stay with us. Meeting my finances family, vice versa and planning our future.

 

However, there quickly came a time when my fiancé literally did not allow there to be ONE day that we spent away from each other. I mean when I wanted to visit my family out of town of course I went. But other than that I didn’t want to give too much push back because i didn’t want to hurt his feelings or make him upset.( I hate hearing myself say that). I soon realized how him being upset would control our relationship. Basically, whenever he got a bit upset or jealous about the way I dressed, a coworker or someone calling me....he’d go on these tirades or go from 0-100 verbally or stomp out and leave for a few minutes or hours until he could “calm down”... whatever. That got old and I started getting depressed and feeling it while I was at work.

 

His background is a peculiar one. He has some things in his past that I should’ve been turned off by but I guess him proposing to me made me blind to a lot. He’s used to people not really speaking up to him much. I used to be very timid as a little girl. Now as a woman I’m still mild mannered, but I assert myself when it’s time to. His friends and family(male and female ) seem to have some sort of fear of him. I will never know all the details of why but he let me know that he clearly didn’t favor me going against some things he felt I should do or wear, etc. I already come from a modest family and culture so I don’t dress very revealing. He was too smart to physically harm me so he started to observe me and emotionally tear me down .

 

His family mentioned his anger issues when we first met, in one off conversations. At the time I didn’t know what they meant until I started seeing his outbursts and rants. I also soon realized that he was covering up a drinking and drug habit, while all along he was posing as a holier than thou individual who wanted someone who would be a good/ submissive wife. He proved to be nothing close to the man who I should listen to morally or ethically.

 

So I’m saying all that to say that, sometimes when a man sees a woman they can’t control they try gradually pushing buttons to cause emotional scars rather than physical. This is my story ...prior to this current situation, so this is my perspective. I’ve been in therapy and I’m healing and trying to move forward with healthier relationships. I’m also learning to set boundaries, which I have no always done.

 

I’m trying to give this new guy the benefit of the doubt and I feel like I have! I think the key for me though is to just take things slow. My exfiance and I moved too fast I feel. And that was part of the problem. Didn’t get to know who he really was. He behaved the way he thought I wanted him to for me to accept him and possibly be his subservient/ backbone-less wife. I couldn’t do it.

 

With regard to the current guy...I just hope my picker isn’t still off...

Edited September 24, 2018 by luvflower

[basil67]

With regard to the current guy...I just hope my picker isn’t still off...

 

When you say "current guy", are you referring to the one this thread is about? If so, then yes, your picker is still off.

 

The two of you weren't interested enough to prevent/close a gap when you worked away for a long period of time. And neither of you is interested enough to stop dating others. Time to move on

[luvflower]

When you say "current guy", are you referring to the one this thread is about? If so, then yes, your picker is still off.

 

The two of you weren't interested enough to prevent/close a gap when you worked away for a long period of time. And neither of you is interested enough to stop dating others. Time to move on

 

Yes that’s who I’m referring to.

 

It’s not just about being interested as easy as it is for one to just say. This is how so many people miss opportunities. Not because of lack of interest but because they’re not equipped to deal with, in this case, intimacy enough to let guards down. Fear... and lack of equipment is big. I’ve been told this by a therapist and other folk.

 

My fiancé and I were VERY interested ....however I couldn’t stay with him long enough to marry him. And his anger pushed me away. I wasn’t equipped yet I loved him and wanted it to work but it wasn’t smart. And I was hurt for a long time after making a HARD decision to walk away.

[BaileyB]

When you say "current guy", are you referring to the one this thread is about? If so, then yes, your picker is still off.

 

The two of you weren't interested enough to prevent/close a gap when you worked away for a long period of time. And neither of you is interested enough to stop dating others. Time to move on

 

Agreed. I would also say, based on the way you describe him, that you don't love this guy. You have many problems with him, many questions about whether his odd behavior is acceptable... If he was "the one," you wouldn't be posting to ask for feedback the way that you are.

 

I'm sorry that the other man hurt you, that you have been in an emotionally abusive relationship. Keep working with your counsellor if you can. I hope you find someone to love.

[Chilli]

From what l can see you left for whatever reason but also started seeing other people while you were gone only a few mths. So whatever it was with you and him obviously wasn't too important too you and then you go on to complain and the intimacy right here for the world to see, ahh, can you tell us again why he should be even bothering with you anyway then now just because your back.And he obviously doesn't think you were too great either btw he's not even interested in a few days in the sack.

Edited September 24, 2018 by Chilli

[luvflower]

From what l can see you left for whatever reason but also started seeing other people while you were gone only a few mths. So whatever it was with you and him obviously wasn't too important too you and then you go on to complain and the intimacy right here for the world to see, ahh, can you tell us again why he should be even bothering with you anyway then now just because your back.And he obviously doesn't think you were too great either btw he's not even interested in a few days in the sack.

 

...? Not sure what youÂ’re talking about. Lol.

 

I am interested in him. I complained because itÂ’s what happened, regarding intimacy.

 

A few days in the sack, lol. What are You even talking about... our sex is passionate other than the fact that I never climax d after almost 2 years of seeing him. And I never Told him. And he is the one who complains about wanting more of it and wanting me to communicate more. We both have things that we would like the other two kind of improve upon. So I think you are confused about some facts.

[Mardelis]

I never climax d after almost 2 years of seeing him. And I never Told him.

 

 

Why not? Do you have a problem being open and honest with your wants, feelings, and desires? How do you expect him to satisfy you if you don't tell him he's not getting it done? What's the upside of remaining silent on this issue and others for the duration of your relationship? By refusing to share, you are maintaining a barrier, you're keeping up that wall.

[luvflower]

Why not? Do you have a problem being open and honest with your wants, feelings, and desires? How do you expect him to satisfy you if you don't tell him he's not getting it done? What's the upside of remaining silent on this issue and others for the duration of your relationship? By refusing to share, you are maintaining a barrier, you're keeping up that wall.

 

I think you’re right about your points.

 

To answer the questions, I’m not sure why I withhold stuff. I think for the most part I don’t/ didn’t know how to bring it up in the moment without hurting his feelings. Plus, the size of his part is kind of smaller than what I prefer.

 

However, a few days ago when I climaxed with HIM for the first time, I told him right after that “hun, it was amazing. Do you realize this is he first time I climaxed with you.”

 

He didn’t say anything. I kind of wonder if I should’ve said even that now, because he didn’t say anything. Could inhale said it any ther way? And he would always wonder why I would sometimes almost push him away in the middle of intercourses or just not reciprocate his initiation of it. He may figure he reason why now.

 

And kind you, this comment happened before the whole “tv blasting that I described earlier on in this thread.

 

The more I write my thoughts and actions I feel a bit like Larry David, on Curb you enthusiasm. Seriously. I say stuff or don’t say stuff that offends people, men and I don’t even realize it until way later. I prefer to text more than talk on the phone. He actually prefers talking on the phone but he’s left a message saying that I’m leaving a message because I know you don’t always answer your phone... (sometimes I just can’t because of what I’m doing and I prefer to not deal with nuances of silences and small talk). I feel like I would drive my therapist insane if I told her EVERY SINGLE issue I have with communicating.

Edited September 24, 2018 by luvflower

[BaileyB]

And he would always wonder why I would sometimes almost push him away in the middle of intercourse. He may figure he reason why now.

 

Really?

 

I’m going to be honest, I don’t often climax with my partner either. The stars have to be aligned. But, he knows it, we’ve talked about it, and I have never pushed him away in the middle of sex... I can’t imagine doing that to someone that I love.

[luvflower]

Really?

 

I’m going to be honest, I don’t often climax with my partner either. The stars have to be aligned. But, he knows it, we’ve talked about it, and I have never pushed him away in the middle of sex... I can’t imagine doing that to someone that I love.

 

I need to clarify. I don’t mean I actually push him off literally. And definitely not right in the middle of the act specifically. I meant like I’ll close my legs if we were kissing, to signal that I’d prefer not doing it this time. One time it was while I was sleep.... and I hadn’t slept well already, so I did gently push his “part” away because I was so freaking sleepy... after that is when he started the whole day long texting about being hard to read and that he had started to masturbate while laying beside me after he figured we weren’t going all the way...

 

Sidebar: Speaking of him, a few times this month he has been sending me work specific text messages mistakenly. Then he follows it with “sorry those were meant for my coworkers. I wonder if he’s just trying to make contact with me indirectly without feeling like he’s bugging me...?

[Mardelis]

He didn’t say anything. I kind of wonder if I should’ve said even that now, because he didn’t say anything.

 

He didn't say anything because he was stunned to find out after 2 years that you were never satisfied with him. It's better late than never. Now he can work on fixing what he hasn't been getting right, especially now that he finally got it right. It's not the worst time to tell him- after he's been successful the problem is that you waited a really long time. But it's still good that you finally told him. Just keep it going- expand on what he did that felt good. This can be a very positive thing.

 

I feel a bit like Larry David, on Curb you enthusiasm. Seriously. I say stuff or don’t say stuff that offends people, men and I don’t even realize it until way later. I feel like I would drive my therapist insane if I told her EVERY SINGLE issue I have with communicating.

 

Just for kicks, read about Aspergers and see if any of that resonates with you.

Edited September 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix spacing and one quote

[luvflower]

He didn't say anything because he was stunned to find out after 2 years that you were never satisfied with him. It's better late than never. Now he can work on fixing what he hasn't been getting right, especially now that he finally got it right. It's not the worst time to tell him- after he's been successful the problem is that you waited a really long time. But it's still good that you finally told him. Just keep it going- expand on what he did that felt good. This can be a very positive thing.

 

 

 

Just for kicks, read about Aspergers and see if any of that resonates with you.

 

Yes, I’m aware of Aspergers. Yes I’ve wondered every now and again if that’s part of my issue because I know several kids who have it. And Larry David really resonates w/me so perhaps I have some Asperger traits but not enough to be easily diagnosed. Many people think I’m just either funny, moody or to your point an @ss hole like Larry... but not many people in my circle even know if Larry David.

[luvflower]

Then again, I’m a creative and I grew up differently than most girls. So I’m growing to express myself more and set boundaries. I’m peculiar I’ll admit, but I really don’t think I have Aspergers...

 

S.O. was just texting me. And to the point again... I made a joke about the “mistake” text he sent me today. He thought I was hilarious actually as I usually do make him laugh. Still, at one point I just told him that sometimes I feel like he’s so much more mature than me when I joke because his last emoticon seemed almost like a reserved smiley compared to the context of my Pete IOU’s statement. He then said that many times he didn’t know when I was serious or when I’m joking. We texted a whil about that. He couldn’t give me any example though of my funny/serious comments. He did say that he felt like there was some truth&seriousness to some of my jokes. Still...I wish he hadn’t brought it up if he can’t give any specific examples. My coworkers and exfiance told me the same thing though about not knowing if I’m serious or not, but they all have the same humor as me pretty much. It’s the population we work with that kind of make our humor what it is.