Author giotto Posted September 27, 2019 Author Posted September 27, 2019 I think she blames me because I'm leaving her when she is going through a difficult time. Which I don't understand, since she said to me she doesn't love me and that she stayed to keep the family together (and I guess she was "feeding" me sex for the same reason). Since sex is completely off the table, she doesn't love me, she cannot forget I got angry 3 times 10 years ago, she is depressed, menopausal, fat and ugly (her words), she has no intention to get therapy for OCD to fix herself, why should I stay? Of course I could. I could stay and keep enabling her... this is what she wants.
Marc878 Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 Yes, you can stay and be a martyr. Just think. Status quo for the rest of your marriage. Are you still talking or doing? Talk will only get what you've been getting for years.
Author giotto Posted September 27, 2019 Author Posted September 27, 2019 Are you still talking or doing? Talk will only get what you've been getting for years. It's what she wants but she is not going to get it this time...
notbroken Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 Stop talking to her except about separation/divorce/kids. Even then only when absolutely necessary. You are just prolonging the pain - hers and yours. 1
aliveagain Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 Are the two of you going to be living next door to each other? If that is the case dating and bringing people home is going to destroy you both.
Author giotto Posted September 28, 2019 Author Posted September 28, 2019 Are the two of you going to be living next door to each other? If that is the case dating and bringing people home is going to destroy you both. we don't plan to bring "dates" home... this is the deal. If this stops us from dating seriously, so be it. Or one of us will have to move.
Author giotto Posted October 1, 2019 Author Posted October 1, 2019 (edited) I'm finding all of this terribly difficult... Edited October 1, 2019 by giotto
Mr. Lucky Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 I'm finding all of this terribly difficult... No surprise giotto, you're changing something that has been in place for decades. Doesn't mean it isn't worthwhile though . Keep posting... Mr. Lucky
Author giotto Posted October 1, 2019 Author Posted October 1, 2019 Keep posting... Mr. Lucky I will, but it's very heart-breaking to see the person you spent most of your life with crumbling in front of you. I guess it's not her fault, giving her mental state, but I can't help feeling immensely guilty...
Marc878 Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 I get your feelings but the only option is stay for the status quo. Life is short and you don't get a redo.
Author giotto Posted October 1, 2019 Author Posted October 1, 2019 I get your feelings but the only option is stay for the status quo. I know that... it's not happening... I'll keep an eye on her, though...
SummerDreams Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 I don't buy the "I need sex for intimacy" that many men say. If that was true, there would be no one night stands and men would have sex only with women they love. OP you left your wife cause she stopped having sex with you. I think it would be nice for you to admit it to her. It will give her some kind of closure. 1
Author giotto Posted October 2, 2019 Author Posted October 2, 2019 I don't buy the "I need sex for intimacy" that many men say. If that was true, there would be no one night stands and men would have sex only with women they love. I'm not saying all men need intimacy. I personally need it in a long term relationship. If I just wanted one night stands, I wouldn't be married. OP you left your wife cause she stopped having sex with you. I think it would be nice for you to admit it to her. It will give her some kind of closure. I have told her and I tried to explain the whole intimacy thing, but she doesn't understand//get it. Fine. She has closure, but she's also not talking to me because she thinks I left her "for sex". Which is true in a way, so I can't argue with her. We have different concept of marriage and what it entails.
SummerDreams Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 I think you have different concept of what "for better or for worse" means. Getting mad to your wife for not wanting sex with you is unacceptable for me, to say the least. She did stay for the kids cause if there were no kids I bet she would have divorced you right then and there. And please don't flatter yourself that she will never want sex with anyone again. When she manages to solve her issues, I am sure she will want to find a loving and caring man who wont bully her in order to have sex. She is very young to give up on love. I wish you a happy future from now on.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 I think you have different concept of what "for better or for worse" means. “For better or worse” isn’t carte blanche entitlement for one partner to unilaterally change the terms of the relationship. It has to work for both spouses... Mr. Lucky 3
SummerDreams Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 “For better or worse” isn’t carte blanche entitlement for one partner to unilaterally change the terms of the relationship. It has to work for both spouses... Mr. Lucky It DId work for both spouses. The wife changed into a woman who wanted sex more rarely and the husband became an angry man who bullied her because of that. The wife chose to stay and deal with the problems and the husband chose to walk. Who stayed more true to their promises?
Marc878 Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 It DId work for both spouses. The wife changed into a woman who wanted sex more rarely and the husband became an angry man who bullied her because of that. The wife chose to stay and deal with the problems and the husband chose to walk. Who stayed more true to their promises? Nope, if you read through all his posts it's zero intimacy. Why stay married? Intimacy is a big part of a marriage. She pulled a bait and switch. 1
SummerDreams Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 Nope, if you read through all his posts it's zero intimacy. Why stay married? Intimacy is a big part of a marriage. She pulled a bait and switch. She stopped wanting sex all together because he was getting angry every time she didn't want sex and she got scared of him. Would any woman want to have sex with a guy she is scared of? I find it disturbing that no man comments on this very serious fact. Men support him for wanting sex and being angry when he doesn't get it. If this woman would go to the police saying her H got mad after her denying sex with him, what do you think it would happen? Respect for your spouse is a way bigger part of marriage than sex, but the OP and the men who support him don't want to accept that. The OP had the right to leave the marriage because of lack of sex without getting angry. The moment he got angry, he lost the right to talk about spousal rights. And also he has to admit he left his wife because she stopped having sex with him and accept that she is mad about it.
Author giotto Posted October 3, 2019 Author Posted October 3, 2019 The OP had the right to leave the marriage because of lack of sex without getting angry. The moment he got angry, he lost the right to talk about spousal rights. And also he has to admit he left his wife because she stopped having sex with him and accept that she is mad about it. Partially true. I did get angry, because my wife didn't communicate with me. She bottled it up, swept the issues under the carpet and left me guessing. So, yes, at the end I did get angry. And I wanted a divorce. But then she changed her mind. I guess to keep me there and the family intact until the kids were older. I'm not proud I got angry. That was well over 10 years ago and I can count it on the fingers on one hand the times I got angry. But we are all different. She said recently we were to blame 50/50. If I'd know the severity of her issues, I wouldn't have got angry at all and I would have helped. But she hid it from me. This a trait of her mental problem. I don't think we could have saved our marriage anyway. I was prepared to get help, she wasn't. If you don't want to invest in the marriage, there is no way forward. So, it's a lot more complicated than just getting angry. She still thinks I would get angry any minute. The other day I asked her if she remembers the last time I got angry. She couldn't and the she added, I suppose it's me...
Author giotto Posted October 3, 2019 Author Posted October 3, 2019 She stopped wanting sex all together because he was getting angry every time she didn't want sex and she got scared of him. Would any woman want to have sex with a guy she is scared of? We stopped having sex regularly before I got angry and she wouldn't tell me why. I asked her about 300 times. She hid the severity of her mental issues from me. She is now depressed, menopausal, she says she is fat and ugly and she wants to disappear from the face of the earth...
SummerDreams Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 We stopped having sex regularly before I got angry and she wouldn't tell me why. I asked her about 300 times. She hid the severity of her mental issues from me. She is now depressed, menopausal, she says she is fat and ugly and she wants to disappear from the face of the earth... Then I guess she did you a favor. You got to leave when things got ugly and find a new wife. What more do you want?
Author giotto Posted October 3, 2019 Author Posted October 3, 2019 She pulled a bait and switch. To be truthful, she didn't pull a "bait and switch". Only recently I have started looking into her mental issues. I always underplayed the importance of her issues, because she always acted normally. But I'm now convinced that her upbringing issues (as confirmed by her) and her OCD (Pure O, intrusive thoughts) have played a massive role in her general behaviour in the last 15 years, when her mental state deteriorated. Unfortunately, one of the traits of Pure O is hiding the issue. This is what she did. She does't want to go to therapy (CBT + ERP) because she doesn't want to confront her ghosts. I respect that, but it's had a massive impact on our marriage and our intimacy. An yes, I did get angry because she didn't communicate all of this to me. And I can't blame her, really, because she is ill and she is protecting herself. The fact that she is refusing therapy leaves me no option. She is not invested in our marriage and doesn't really care about me. Fair enough. I will have to deal with it.
Author giotto Posted October 3, 2019 Author Posted October 3, 2019 (edited) Then I guess she did you a favor. You got to leave when things got ugly and find a new wife. What more do you want? I don't want a new wife. I want my wife. I'm not planning to date again or to find another woman to replace her. But she doesn't want to fix herself, so I can't stay. As I said, fair enough, but she can't expect me to stay if she is not invested in our marriage. Edited October 3, 2019 by giotto 1
elaine567 Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 Anger is a pretty big passion killer for many women... Seems to me many women in long term relationships do not NEED sex. They may be be persuaded into sex and enjoy it when it occurs but they are not normally actively seeking sex. Their desire is mainly responsive not spontaneous. Push the right buttons -> good sex. Push the wrong buttons -> no sex or sex grudgingly given. I also think some women spin sex into "love", they are not having sex, they are making love,"I love him so I give him sex". The problem then arises when the husband is not acting in a loving way, he is angry, he is demanding more sex, so that mental little trick of hers no longer works. She becomes sad and disappointed, she becomes angry, she avoids sex as who wants to "make love" to an angry man? Once that love bubble is burst, it my be difficult if not impossible to get it back, no matter how "nice" he then may be. His "nice" actions are then seen as deceptive and sneaky, "He is only being nice to me, as he wants sex... " She withdraws from him and distracts herself with other things, ie she concentrates on the kids, pets, wider family... she loses herself in her career, volunteering, friend groups... she may even get "depressed", start drinking or use drugs as a crutch... He becomes increasingly sexually frustrated... 1
elaine567 Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 I'm not proud I got angry. That was well over 10 years ago and I can count it on the fingers on one hand the times I got angry. Many men dismiss anger in this way but often there is no way back from anger. An angry man is very scary to a woman, one punch and she may be dead. That fear is not something some women get over easily, it persists, she walks on eggshells, she tries not to provoke that again. It is not a great way to live. You knew how far you would take it, she doesn't and it is that fear that is so destructive. Love may have died that day, she maybe braved it out for the kids, the family...
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