Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him

[JuneL]

No of course not.

 

Is it wrong to sleep or be with a man in a relationship with someone else? Yes, very much so. But my feelings for him have been there since we were both kids.

 

It was a mistake on my part. No one is perfect. I am asking God to remove those adulterous feelings and thoughts from me.

 

Yeah, nobody is perfect. Talk is cheap!

[Maddieandtae]

Do you realize you treated the guy you are "kinda" seeing similar to how you let your "friend" behave with you?

 

HeÂ’s not the one for me and I know it.

Still, it was nice not being alone. I will admit I kept thinking of you know who most of the time.

 

This is all very sad, I really hope you don't spend years accepting bread crumbs

[stillafool]

No of course not.

 

Is it wrong to sleep or be with a man in a relationship with someone else? Yes, very much so. But my feelings for him have been there since we were both kids.

 

It was a mistake on my part. No one is perfect. I am asking God to remove those adulterous feelings and thoughts from me.

 

He will help you but you have to make the first step which is to give up hope of getting him. God will help those that truly want it and mean it. You have to walk away from temptation and if that means finding another church then so be it. You will be blessed for your effort. Stop holding on to hope of getting this man.

[Madd_hatter]

Do you realize you treated the guy you are "kinda" seeing similar to how you let your "friend" behave with you?

 

HeÂ’s not the one for me and I know it.

Still, it was nice not being alone. I will admit I kept thinking of you know who most of the time.

 

This is all very sad, I really hope you don't spend years accepting bread crumbs

 

The same? How is that the same? If he was in love with me from the time he was 10’then it would be the same.

[Maddieandtae]

If you can't see how using a person to ease your lonliness is similar to how your awesome friend uses you than you are in for a very long painful journey

 

Be better and want better for yourself.

[LoverOfDance]

Maddieandtae is right. Sometimes, we get so wrapped up in our own stuff that we don't realize that we are hurting the people around us. Your "friend" is selfish and was so focused on his own lust and his fear of missing out that he didn't care about the consequences of sleeping with you. He knew damn well that if he slept with you, your friendship with him would have to end. I can guarantee that he knew this before he made the conscious choice to sleep with you. He was so wrapped in his lust that he didn't he didn't care.

 

You on the other hand are so wrapped in your own pain and heart ache that you don't see that you can potential cause this new guy that very same pain as well. He likes you. He could potentially fall for you as well if he hasn't already. The problem with human beings is that a lot of us lack empathy. We don't put ourselves in other people's shoes. How would you feel if you slept with a guy you liked and the whole time he was with you, he was wishing you were someone else?

 

You need to come clean with this new guy. Tell him you're in love with someone else. He might stay and actually help you heal. If he leaves, that's ok. You can heal on your own. It's hard but very possible. I hope you find the strength to do the right thing.

[Beachead]

Maddieandtae is right. Sometimes, we get so wrapped up in our own stuff that we don't realize that we are hurting the people around us. Your "friend" is selfish and was so focused on his own lust and his fear of missing out that he didn't care about the consequences of sleeping with you. He knew damn well that if he slept with you, your friendship with him would have to end. I can guarantee that he knew this before he made the conscious choice to sleep with you. He was so wrapped in his lust that he didn't he didn't care.

 

You on the other hand are so wrapped in your own pain and heart ache that you don't see that you can potential cause this new guy that very same pain as well. He likes you. He could potentially fall for you as well if he hasn't already. The problem with human beings is that a lot of us lack empathy. We don't put ourselves in other people's shoes. How would you feel if you slept with a guy you liked and the whole time he was with you, he was wishing you were someone else?

 

You need to come clean with this new guy. Tell him you're in love with someone else. He might stay and actually help you heal. If he leaves, that's ok. You can heal on your own. It's hard but very possible. I hope you find the strength to do the right thing.

 

I agree.

 

That guy you're just messing around with OP..I've been that guy. And once I found out the memories and experiences I shared with that person were nothing more than a function of them trying to get over their ex, it wounded. I recovered but not 100% and the time it required was several months up to a year of hard work. That love and attention I could have given to someone else who was looking for something serious was given to a person who didn't deserve it and the time I spent having to recover..could have been time with someone else. I won't get that time back nor will I get the part of me I lost. So be mindful of what you do because you don't know what kind of damage you are causing to the other person. He could have strong feelings for you. Could be falling in love with you while you're using him for comfort and intimacy to get over the pain you are feeling over this friend. As the others said, you're doing to this guy, what you're friend did to you and you need to recognize the similarities there.

 

Are you okay with hurting someone else? Are you okay contributing to more broken hearted people who are feeling what you are feeling everyday right now?

 

It's for that reason alone why I don't ever get into relationships, date or have one night stands while I'm recovering from heartbreak. It's why I have a quote about this under my posts. I don't want to contribute to increasing an already existing supply of heartbroken people in this world. Don't want that on my conscious. So I make sure I confide in my friends/family and use the alone time to reflect, grieve, and find a schedule that can bring me peace. I end up becoming better for it.

 

This is something you should understand given what you're currently going through.

It'll be healthier for you to find other things to help you cope. Be mindful and aware of your actions and how they impact others. Even if you're in pain..that's when you have to check yourself the most. Don't use people.

 

1. You'll hurt them

2. They will only distract you temporary before the pain resurfaces again.

 

- Beach

Edited August 1, 2018 by Beachead

[Madd_hatter]

Hey guys,

 

So I took your advice. I told the new guy everything. I told him how I feel about my friend, everything that happened, where we’re at now, and where he fit into the equation. I told him I didn’t want to use him, I do like him, but my heart is totally mangled from the other guy. He was super understanding and said if whenever I’m ready, or if I need anything, he’ll be there. He said he doesn’t mind being a shoulder for me.

 

But I don’t think I need another dysfunctional friendship/romance type thing. So I’ll just slowly pull away from him.

 

Anyway, tomorrow will make 4 whole weeks since we hung out. I am almost to the point where I feel I might explode. Each day is like an eternity. Every single time my phone makes any kind of noise my heart stops for a minute.

 

Not a lot of progress in the passed month. I miss him so so much still. I’d do anything to be with him right now. It’s hard. It’s really really hard.

 

It’s not a sexual thing for me. I rarely ever think of him that way. It’s really pure love. It’s not dirty or gross. I love him. From my heart, I honestly love him and being around him makes me happy.

 

You mean to tell me no one else has ever felt that way?

 

I was looking through some family photos last night and I saw a picture of myself when I was 16. I was smiling. It was from a service and he was there. Not in the picture, but I know he was there. I was so ugly. I could never understand why he never paid attention to me and now I know why. I looked at myself in the picture and my eyes filled with tears. I remember exactly how that girl felt right at that very second. She was scared but hopeful. She always had hope. She always knew in her heart that one day that boy she was so crazy about would fall for her too. I wanted to hug her and tell her to stop waiting. I wanted to tell her he’d break her heart over and over and over. I wanted to tell her she’s wasting her love. She had never even kissed a boy yet. She didn’t have her first date yet. She barely talked to other guys. It was all about him.

 

I still feel like her. I’m still her. Still here. Still waiting.

Edited August 2, 2018 by Madd_hatter

[LoverOfDance]

It's going to take you a long time to get over this. Be patient with yourself. Don't put yourself down and don't call yourself ugly. I'm VERY sure you're a beautiful girl. Say nice things to yourself. Be nice to yourself. It's not fair that you love this guy so much and don't love yourself as much. You say you love him unconditionally but you don't love yourself unconditionally. Every time you've been sick you've always been there for you. You've nursed yourself back to health. Even now that you are going threw this heart ache, you're nursing your wounded heart all by yourself. Where has he been?? How dare you treat yourself this way after all you've done for you. It's not fair at all. Be KIND to yourself. You have no right to call yourself ugly. No right whatsoever.

 

It took me 5 to 6 years to get over the man I fell for. He was with someone else when I fell for him and had been with her for half of his life. I told my mum, brothers and sisters. They all gave me as much help as they could but I was the only one that could save myself. Even today, I still feel for him. I will always feel for him but do I want to be with him? Nope. I have no idea what he's up to now and it is none of my business. I don't know how it happened but one day i finally wished him love and happiness and decided that no one deserved to be as miserable as I was. I moved on and even experienced more heart breaks after him. Nothing as intense though, thankfully. I'm in a good place in my life right now and all I want for myself is peace and happiness. I want that for you too.

 

My best advice for you right now is be patient. You will get through this no matter how long it takes.

[preraph]

MaddHatter, what is your relationship like with your parents? The way you are clinging to the idea of this guy, it's similar to some women who had abandonment issues in their family.

[Madd_hatter]

MaddHatter, what is your relationship like with your parents? The way you are clinging to the idea of this guy, it's similar to some women who had abandonment issues in their family.

 

Good, as a matter of fact. I visit them once or twice a month. I had an amazing childhood. My parents were some of the best in the world.

[preraph]

Maybe it would be good to talk to them about this situation then and get some loving advice from them.

[Ruby Slippers]

It sounds to me as if you're wallowing in an unhealthy obsession.

 

My advice to go 100% no contact with him. Read the no-contact guides in the breakup forum. No contact means NO CONTACT. No texting, no social media connections, nothing. Change your church or other social activities to maintain no contact. I think this will do you a world of good.

 

You won't be young forever. Don't waste your fleeting youth driving towards a dark dead end.

[Beachead]

Hey guys,

 

So I took your advice. I told the new guy everything. I told him how I feel about my friend, everything that happened, where we’re at now, and where he fit into the equation. I told him I didn’t want to use him, I do like him, but my heart is totally mangled from the other guy. He was super understanding and said if whenever I’m ready, or if I need anything, he’ll be there. He said he doesn’t mind being a shoulder for me.

 

But I don’t think I need another dysfunctional friendship/romance type thing. So I’ll just slowly pull away from him.

 

Anyway, tomorrow will make 4 whole weeks since we hung out. I am almost to the point where I feel I might explode. Each day is like an eternity. Every single time my phone makes any kind of noise my heart stops for a minute.

 

Not a lot of progress in the passed month. I miss him so so much still. I’d do anything to be with him right now. It’s hard. It’s really really hard.

 

It’s not a sexual thing for me. I rarely ever think of him that way. It’s really pure love. It’s not dirty or gross. I love him. From my heart, I honestly love him and being around him makes me happy.

 

You mean to tell me no one else has ever felt that way?

 

I was looking through some family photos last night and I saw a picture of myself when I was 16. I was smiling. It was from a service and he was there. Not in the picture, but I know he was there. I was so ugly. I could never understand why he never paid attention to me and now I know why. I looked at myself in the picture and my eyes filled with tears. I remember exactly how that girl felt right at that very second. She was scared but hopeful. She always had hope. She always knew in her heart that one day that boy she was so crazy about would fall for her too. I wanted to hug her and tell her to stop waiting. I wanted to tell her he’d break her heart over and over and over. I wanted to tell her she’s wasting her love. She had never even kissed a boy yet. She didn’t have her first date yet. She barely talked to other guys. It was all about him.

 

I still feel like her. I’m still her. Still here. Still waiting.

 

I'm really happy you talked to that guy and told him the truth. That shows a tremendous amount of strength.

 

As I mentioned, recovery will be slow. You won't get over this tomorrow. Some days you're going to feel good, some days you won't. As time goes on, those ups and downs will become less extreme, less frequent until it levels out and you find a general balance. It'll take a solid year..maybe more. That's the way it goes.

 

You feel you're ugly because you've rooted your entire self worth on a guy who's toxic for you. He did his deed with you, married someone else, probably didn't tell his wife, and is now neglecting you. Stop trying to tell yourself it's a great friendship when you're crying nearly every night. When he neglects you, your entire world falls apart. It's toxic for you but you deny it and resist admitting it.

 

The pain will stop when you get real with yourself and make the tough decisions you need to make that will transform your life. Decisions like how you told this other guy the truth. That was a good move. A move of someone who wants to get better. Do the same with everything else. Switch churches, cut him off of social media and give yourself distance so that you heal. He's not leaving his wife for you. If he wanted to be with you, he'd be with you. You would not cry every night wondering how he felt. You'd just know. I must have spent half my 20's crying over people who didn't deserve it. I learned quite a lot from it but still..I can never get that time back or the little pieces of me I lost in the process of holding on in vain. Hang onto the false fantasy all you'd like and resist but you'll only cheat yourself out of a life.

 

- Beach

Edited August 3, 2018 by Beachead

[Madd_hatter]

Hey, good morning everyone.

 

I found out just last night that they have a date picked for their wedding. It’s in September. They’re just having a small thing. Not a lot of frills. Just close friends and family.

 

I feel like I just found out the day of my death.

 

I’m not being a good friend at all. I’m selfish and horrible. I feel so guilty for what my first thoughts about this were. I first thought “I hope they break up”, and my second thought (which I’m so ashamed to even admit I actually thought this) was, “maybe she will get so sick that they have to cancel, and then they’ll break up”. I can’t believe that even crossed my mind!!!

 

I realize now how deep I’m in. Going to be seeking professional help now. I’ll start looking into it today and schedule something for Monday or Tuesday.

[Ruby Slippers]

Good. You should be able to find some kind of free or low-cost counseling.

[Beachead]

Hey, good morning everyone.

 

I found out just last night that they have a date picked for their wedding. It’s in September. They’re just having a small thing. Not a lot of frills. Just close friends and family.

 

I feel like I just found out the day of my death.

 

I’m not being a good friend at all. I’m selfish and horrible. I feel so guilty for what my first thoughts about this were. I first thought “I hope they break up”, and my second thought (which I’m so ashamed to even admit I actually thought this) was, “maybe she will get so sick that they have to cancel, and then they’ll break up”. I can’t believe that even crossed my mind!!!

 

I realize now how deep I’m in. Going to be seeking professional help now. I’ll start looking into it today and schedule something for Monday or Tuesday.

 

That's why I mentioned earlier that you two aren't friends right now..even if you want to be, you aren't capable of it. The feelings infect your thoughts and make you selfish.

 

See how your mind is slowly processing through it all? This is just a month in OP. Imagine a few more months down the road, how much you'll realize about yourself, him, them, you two, and everything regarding this situation.

 

Good move with the therapy.

 

- Beach

[Madd_hatter]

I felt the need to post right now just to update.

 

I’m good. I’m really good. Today is a better day I guess. I can’t really explain why I feel better, I just know that I do.

 

I will be seeing him at church later. I’m not so nervous or upset about seeing him. I feel excited about my life.

 

I got a promotion which pretty much doubles my pay. I don’t know if maybe that’s why I’m feeling so empowered. I hope it’s not something I’ll come crashing down from. I like this feeling. I feel proud of myself. I’m haply with who I am and where I’m at. I’m excited about meeting new people who enjoy being around me as much as I enjoy them.

 

I hope to stay in this positive mood.

Edited August 5, 2018 by Madd_hatter

[LivingWaterPlease]

I felt the need to post right now just to update.

 

I’m good. I’m really good. Today is a better day I guess. I can’t really explain why I feel better, I just know that I do.

 

I will be seeing him at church later. I’m not so nervous or upset about seeing him. I feel excited about my life.

 

I got a promotion which pretty much doubles my pay. I don’t know if maybe that’s why I’m feeling so empowered. I hope it’s not something I’ll come crashing down from. I like this feeling.

 

Great post, MH! Possibly you're feeling good because you're facing reality and moving on! Moving on is a great place to be! We all have bitter disappointments in life but they needn't define us! We are free to soar and sounds as if you're soaring!

 

Congrats on your pay increase, woohoo! What are your plans for the future, recreational or goal oriented?

[Madd_hatter]

Great post, MH! Possibly you're feeling good because you're facing reality and moving on! Moving on is a great place to be! We all have bitter disappointments in life but they needn't define us! We are free to soar and sounds as if you're soaring!

 

Congrats on your pay increase, woohoo! What are your plans for the future, recreational or goal oriented?

 

I’m literally taking it one day at a time for now. My friends and I are planning a trip to Greece in late September. As for therapy? I feel good right now, but I think I still might get some help, like I said I don’t want a crash.

 

Just doing whatever makes me happy at the moment. I’m really positive about where my life is going right now and that has NOTHING to do with him. Matter of fact, I did all this despite all the crap he put me through and feeling so crummy. So yay me!!!!

[stillafool]

You want the honest truth? He won't call or see you now because he is in love with another woman, who he is engaged to, and he is sh*ting himself right now for fear that he is going to be exposed as a lying, cheating jerk to his fiancee and the entire congregation. His reputation will be in tatters. He is at risk of losing everything that matters to him.

 

Right now, you are a huge threat to him. You could expose him for being a fraud. He may feel some amount of guilt for what he did to her, but mostly fear. If it comes down to it, he will turn on you in a heartbeat to save himself. There is so much at stake for him, and it is much easier to blame you. Women are more likely to be shamed and ostracized in these types of situations.

 

Although you didn't ask, I feel compelled to say that covering for him and pretending to be friends with his future wife after having sex with him is really low, but that is your call to make. You have to live with that.

 

I understand the intensity of your feelings and why you gave in to temptation, but you have to try and look at the reality of the situation and the repercussions of your actions. It isn't just about you and him anymore. It is about his partner, your church, his reputation, and your reputation.

 

They need to factor into your decision of what you do next. I agree with the others who suggested that attending a new church might be a good idea.

 

I hope you find the strength to pull away from this mess before things get any worse.

 

I agree with this and that the intensity of your feelings for him is probably scaring him half to death because he doesn't know what you might do. If you go to his Church you must know his fiancee. What is your relationship with her? Do you talk, have you met her?

[Madd_hatter]

I agree with this and that the intensity of your feelings for him is probably scaring him half to death because he doesn't know what you might do. If you go to his Church you must know his fiancee. What is your relationship with her? Do you talk, have you met her?

 

Yes I know her. We talk all the time. She’s been sick, and was going for some tests the last time I talked to her. So I texted her last night asking her how she felt and what happened with her tests. I could see that she read my text, but never replied. I wonder why. We’ve never had a problem.

[Beachead]

Yes I know her. We talk all the time. She’s been sick, and was going for some tests the last time I talked to her. So I texted her last night asking her how she felt and what happened with her tests. I could see that she read my text, but never replied. I wonder why. We’ve never had a problem.

 

Could be he told her. Could be he never told her but she senses something. Who knows.

 

Leave it be and don't wonder. Just focus on yourself as you've been doing and stay away for awhile. He is the source of your pain right now and she is associated with him and therefore, she is a source of your pain as well. Being around the both of them right now is like touching a flame that already burned you once before and hoping the outcome will be different.

[Malin889]

I felt the need to post right now just to update.

 

I’m good. I’m really good. Today is a better day I guess. I can’t really explain why I feel better, I just know that I do.

 

I will be seeing him at church later. I’m not so nervous or upset about seeing him. I feel excited about my life.

 

I got a promotion which pretty much doubles my pay. I don’t know if maybe that’s why I’m feeling so empowered. I hope it’s not something I’ll come crashing down from. I like this feeling. I feel proud of myself. I’m haply with who I am and where I’m at. I’m excited about meeting new people who enjoy being around me as much as I enjoy them.

 

I hope to stay in this positive mood.

 

Yes, work hard and concentrate on your career! Sounds like whatever you do, you are very good at it. Once you are happy in all other parts of your life, someone (else) will come along, see how happy you are, and want to be a part of that happiness.

[Madd_hatter]

Hey all.

 

Still feeling good, for the most part. I’m still really bummed and miss him like crazyyyyyyy, but it’s bearable. There’s still times when all I do is think of him and it still stings pretty bad, but if you would’ve asked me 2 weeks ago, I didn’t think I’d ever get to where I am now.

 

I’m excited about my own life and not worried about how I’ll never be with him. I mean, I hate the fact that I’ll never be with him, and that he will never be my friend, but I think that’s for the best. Being his friend would only make me fall harder for him day by day and make me not interested in any other guys. So it’s best I stay away.

 

It’s like trying to beat an addiction. You gotta go through stages of withdrawal.

 

I honestly thought I’d never be ok again.