Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him

[Beachead]

I wake up every morning wishing to wake up from this nightmare. I keep hoping to see a text or missed call as soon as I open my eyes. He hasn’t even been very active on social media.

 

Yeah it hurts like hell. But I think being without him hurts more than him betraying me does. You guys will probably think I’m so dumb for saying this but I know that if he were to call me, I’d drop whatever it was I was doing to be by his side. I don’t want to give him up.

 

It feels like I’m drowning. I truly don’t believe I’ll ever find someone I love this much again. I don’t want to face my life without him in it. Even as just a friend.

 

Beach suggested I let myself have a good cry. Ha! I cry non stop. So much so that I make myself sick. I’m barely eating. Sleep? If I get 3 hours in that’s a good night.

My brain won’t shut off. I have so many good memories with him. Can his “fiancé” remember learning how to ride a bike with him? Or playing hide and seek on the boardwalk? His first job? Was she there when his uncle died and he cried for 2 weeks? Guess who was???? Me.

 

I want him inspite if all his flaws. I fell in love with his flaws.

 

But do you see the selfishness behind it?

 

"I was there for him through it all so the world owes it to me. He owes it to me."

 

Or

 

"I'm in so much pain and he has to be with me in order to make it go away."

 

These statements show that you've made it all about you. Not him. Not his wants or needs. And that's why these particular feelings don't stem from a place of love. It comes from a selfish place. A place of addiction and irrationality. That's why you two can't be friends nor can have a relationship. You've made him your Lord and Saviour. Your only source of happiness. Can't have a relationship in that state of mind. Even if he wanted to be with you, he'd eventually burn out because you'd have nothing else that you'd care about, that would bring you joy..but him. And so all the pressure false to him to make you happy. It's dangerous to you, to him, to the whole relationship.

 

You must relearn how to stand on your own two feet and be good and at peace.

 

Have a good cry indeed..but don't forget to get up and keep at your life.

 

All I wanted was for my exes to return to me so that they could take the pain away and we could live happily ever after. The problem was, that wasn't what they wanted. It was what I wanted. If I cared for them..why would I force them to be in a place they don't want to be? They're caged birds. I'd never be happy knowing they longed to be elsewhere.

 

With that in mind, I suffered a lot to get to a point to accept these things. Day 1 for me meant getting up and keeping myself groomed, taking showers, eating 3 meals. As I started to feel stronger, I started to step out of the house and complete errands. I started to go to the gym. Start thinking about my future and how I wanted to get there which coincidently made me figure out a plan. My mind became occupied with that. One thing led to another and over time I reacquired the strength I lost.

 

- Beach

Edited July 25, 2018 by Beachead

[Madd_hatter]

But do you see the selfishness behind it?

 

"I was there for him through it all so the world owes it to me. He owes it to me."

 

Or

 

"I'm in so much pain and he has to be with me in order to make it go away."

 

These statements show that you've made it all about you. Not him. Not his wants or needs. And that's why these particular feelings don't stem from a place of love. It comes from a selfish place. A place of addiction and irrationality. That's why you two can't be friends nor can have a relationship. You've made him your Lord and Saviour. Your only source of happiness. Can't have a relationship in that state of mind. Even if he wanted to be with you, he'd eventually burn out because you'd have nothing else that you'd care about, that would bring you joy..but him. And so all the pressure false to him to make you happy. It's dangerous to you, to him, to the whole relationship.

 

You must relearn how to stand on your own two feet and be good and at peace.

 

Have a good cry indeed..but don't forget to get up and keep at your life.

 

All I wanted was for my exes to return to me so that they could take the pain away and we could live happily ever after. The problem was, that wasn't what they wanted. It was what I wanted. If I cared for them..why would I force them to be in a place they don't want to be? They're caged birds. I'd never be happy knowing they longed to be elsewhere.

 

With that in mind, I suffered a lot to get to a point to accept these things. Day 1 for me meant getting up and keeping myself groomed, taking showers, eating 3 meals. As I started to feel stronger, I started to step out of the house and complete errands. I started to go to the gym. Start thinking about my future and how I wanted to get there which coincidently made me figure out a plan. My mind became occupied with that. One thing led to another and over time I reacquired the strength I lost.

 

- Beach

 

Beach, that’s actually really good and helpful advice. I can honestly say I had never thought of it like that. I mean, I do want him to be happy. And for whatever reason, although it sucks, it’s not with me.

 

It is selfish of me. But he really does make my heart happy. I hate that I have to give that up and I’m so, so, so scared that I’ll never have that again.

[Madd_hatter]

Like I said before, even having him as just a friend feels better than not having him at all.

 

Last time we were together there were a bunch of other people around and while he and I did have personal conversations, the majority of the time it was just a group of friends talking. But just being in his presence is so satisfying for me. Just knowing that he’s there is comforting.

 

So much history, ya know? It’s hard to forget that.

 

But you’re right, beach. I’m giving him way too much glory. He shouldn’t be the basis of my happiness. But as for now, I feel like he is. I know I need to stop that but at the same time, I’m terrifed of losing that feeling. I love the way he makes me feel. I love that feeling I get when I’m around him. I don’t want to lose someone I love.

Edited July 25, 2018 by Madd_hatter

[Happy Lemming]

I don’t want to lose someone I love.

 

You've already lost him. He is engaged to someone else!!

[Madd_hatter]

You've already lost him. He is engaged to someone else!!

 

I know that. But I mean as a friend. I love being his friend.

[Happy Lemming]

I know that. But I mean as a friend. I love being his friend.

 

You want more than friendship, be honest!!

 

You can't stop at friends. You have to let go of this one, and go "no contact". You can't keep "pining away" for someone that is unavailable.

 

Our time on this Earth is short, don't waste any more on him. Take care of yourself and do things that make you happy. He can't make you happy, as he is with another.

[stillafool]

I know that. But I mean as a friend. I love being his friend.

 

Then you will love being friends with him and his wife because she will be included.

[Madd_hatter]

Then you will love being friends with him and his wife because she will be included.

 

And I’m ok with that. I’ve met her and I think she’s a really nice person. I can see why he likes her. And I can see myself being her friend. It’s ironic that i like her and I did try to not like her lol but she’s pretty cool.

 

I would settle and be happy just being his friend. I said it before, I feel like I need to be around him.

[Happy Lemming]

I would settle and be happy just being his friend.

 

Which is completely contradictory to the title of your thread....

 

"Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him"

[Madd_hatter]

Which is completely contradictory to the title of your thread....

 

"Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him"

 

Of course I am in love with him, yes I’m attracted to him, yes I want to be with him with him, but hes With someone else. If I don’t accept that than I will lose him totally. I love him so much that even if he’s with someone else I still want him to be around. I feel so empty without him there.

[Madd_hatter]

Have you ever loved someone so much that you just want them around? Even if they don’t love you in that way, it’s just way too painful to not have them there?

[Beachead]

Beach, that’s actually really good and helpful advice. I can honestly say I had never thought of it like that. I mean, I do want him to be happy. And for whatever reason, although it sucks, it’s not with me.

 

It is selfish of me. But he really does make my heart happy. I hate that I have to give that up and I’m so, so, so scared that I’ll never have that again.

 

It's because you're hurting and succumbing to your pain. Rather than facing the cold hard truth, you forego rational thinking in favour of alleviating this pain and satisfying your addictions.

 

Your desire for friendship is really your need to be close to him. It's that addiction talking. "If I just have a little bit, I'll feel better, it won't hurt me." But it will..tremendously. That's why I say a friendship is not even possible right now. Any kind of interaction with his detrimental to you. In the future, once you've collected yourself and have gotten to a point where you don't need him to be happy..perhaps reconnection is possible. But right now? No.

 

I know you've known him for a long time and there is history. The answer is still No.

 

If you ignore that, you likely won't end up with someone new and even if do end up with someone new, you might be the reason it ends because you haven't gotten over this.

 

Everytime he converses with you, you'll hang onto his words. When you see him, you'll hang onto those images of him. You will always interpret and look for signs that support your hidden agenda, which is to be with him and so none of it will come from a genuine place. Friendship is genuine.

 

So, based on all that, your move is to cut this guy out of your life, grieve his loss (He's gone whether you stick around or not), and slowly rebuild yourself back into this awesome, wonderful person. Don't do this to try and win him back. Don't do this in hopes of attracting new men.

 

Do this for yourself. That's the secret.

 

- Beach

Edited July 25, 2018 by Beachead

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Have you ever loved someone so much that you just want them around? Even if they don’t love you in that way, it’s just way too painful to not have them there?

 

No, and I think you're completely deluding yourself if you actually believe this.

[Happy Lemming]

Have you ever loved someone so much that you just want them around? Even if they don’t love you in that way, it’s just way too painful to not have them there?

 

I'll try to answer your question in two parts...

 

First Part - Yes, I have been in love (many years ago). Madly, hopelessly, head over heels in love and engaged to that person. And yes she broke the engagement, along with my heart, but I healed.

 

Second Part - No, I didn't want to be around her after the break up. I couldn't be around her. First I needed to heal. Second she needed to go on with her life and with her new man. I imagine if I tried to be around her, I would have been arrested for "Stalking" or something like that. I needed to go on with my life, pick myself up and try to find someone who wanted to be with me. So that is exactly what I did.

[Beachead]

Have you ever loved someone so much that you just want them around? Even if they don’t love you in that way, it’s just way too painful to not have them there?

 

Let me rephrase what you are you really asking.

 

"Have you ever been so afraid of losing someone so much that you just want them around?"

 

To answer that question..yes I have.

 

Do you see?

 

We use the word love in these kinds situations but it's not love so much as it is fear. I am not doubting your feelings for this man but your fear is what's driving you right now. Fear of the future, Fear to letting go of what is comfortable and familiar and embracing the uncertainty (Ex. Letting go of him, letting go of these familiar feelings you have for him and this idea of a future with him), fear to face yourself, fear of being alone. Just straight up fear.

 

I was only a kid when I met the "Girl of my dreams." Liked her for 10 years. Went from childhood to adulthood together. Saw eachother every weekend. Our families were close. I was so into her that anytime I saw her talking to someone else, I felt jealous and miserable for the rest of the week. I knew she liked me too but we were obviously young and life was changing so rapidly and so my ideas of us dating and getting married were challenged and destroyed as time went on. Took me 10 years to get the courage to face my fears and tell her how I felt. She rejected me. It hurt. Had to face a future without her or this idea of us being together for the first time in my life and i was lost for months.

 

Time went on and I hung out with my friends. Continued going to parties and joining events. Eventually I met new girls that I found attractive and so I started to move on. I went through several situations like that for 4 years or so until I started a relationship with someone new and fell in love. By then, I was completely over my childhood love. I didn't think that was possible but it happened. After a year or so, that relationship ended. I crashed and burned. Thought I'd never move on. 4 years later I fell for someone new. We dated for awhile, things were great and then they ended and I was devastated for awhile. Same feelings. Time went on. I kept on living. Met someone new and fell again and lost her as well. But, I keep on moving.

 

And OP, I know when you read this story, it's like.."Well gee Beach, this is a miserable story. Thanks for the peptalk"

 

Point of it is, the thought of moving on without these people was unimaginable to me everytime and yet, I did. But it took time. I had to disconnect from them completely for myself. There were periods of time, I didn't want to get out of bed and do things but I did. I cried, I grieved, I found a new job, kept teaching music, returned to school etc. When I needed lie down and sleep or think about things, I did that too. Focused on myself. Directed all my energy back to me. Very slow but very possible.

 

Trying to see that destination when it's still only been under a month is too much to expect right now. You're weak at the moment. Vulnerable. If this man came back into your life or slipped breadcrumbs and baited you into dead-end interactions, you'd fall right back into the whole sh*tty process all over again. Him being away and gone is the best thing to help you realize you can smile without him around. Once you start to discover that..you're going to start seeing life in a different light. I promise you that.

 

- Beach

Edited July 25, 2018 by Beachead

[Whodatdog]

And I’m ok with that. I’ve met her and I think she’s a really nice person. I can see why he likes her. And I can see myself being her friend. It’s ironic that i like her and I did try to not like her lol but she’s pretty cool.

 

I would settle and be happy just being his friend. I said it before, I feel like I need to be around him.

 

Do you see how dangerous the above quote is? Its all about you, your obsession. Its all about what you want. If you truly loved him, you would care more about how he feels than how you feel. But you dont. Its simply an obsession, an addiction. Its not unlike being addicted to drugs. Because its all about you.

 

And love is not all about you. You keep saying you are afraid you wont feel like this with anyone else. I hope to God you never do, because its not healthy. And its not love.

[Whodatdog]

And I’m ok with that. I’ve met her and I think she’s a really nice person. I can see why he likes her. And I can see myself being her friend. It’s ironic that i like her and I did try to not like her lol but she’s pretty cool.

 

I would settle and be happy just being his friend. I said it before, I feel like I need to be around him.

 

And who says his wife will want you hanging around being friends with her and her husband? Its NOT about you.

[LoverOfDance]

Hatter - I am still commenting on this post because I see myself in you. There is another woman in "the other woman" section who's going through the same thing. The story is not exactly the same but the feelings are. She is having pretty much the same feelings you're having. Her username is "CrushingHope". Connect with her If you'd like.

 

if you need to be weak because you can't bear to be without him then do so. I went back to the guy I was "in love" with at least 50 times before I finally saw the light. I would stay away from him for months and then go back after convincing myself that being friends with him was enough for me. Like another user said, it's the addiction speaking.

 

I said a prayer for you. Don't let this story end in tragedy. Life really is short and there's no time to be putting yourself through this. You're strong and you deserve much better than this. I wish you the best.

[Madd_hatter]

Everyone keeps saying how you shouldn’t try to be friends with an ex, the thing is, he’s not my ex. He is and always has been only my friend. So me wanting to keep him there as a friend isn’t as awkward as everyone seems to think.

 

And his fiancé is fine with me. We’ve met, talked, even hung out a few times.

 

But I understand. Being around him won’t give me enough space to heal. But you guys need to understand that this wasn’t a breakup. We didn’t have anything to break. We used to be friends, both drifted apart for a loooong time then became friends again, now we’re drifting again.

 

One thing I know for sure. I do love him. With all my heart. So much so that I’m willing to be there, even while he’s marrying someone else because I can’t bare being away from him or not having him in my life. I’ll push my feelings aside and just love him as a friend.

 

As for what happened between us.. it wasn’t all him. I could have very easily stopped him from kissing, touching.. you know. But I didn’t. It was MY choice to continue. I wanted to. So we can’t just blame him.

[Happy Lemming]

And his fiancé is fine with me. We’ve met, talked, even hung out a few times.

 

Does fiancee' know the two of you slept together right before he asked her to marry him??

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

And his fiancé is fine with me. We’ve met, talked, even hung out a few times.

 

 

Tell her he took your virginity just recently and then see how she feels about you.

[Beachead]

Everyone keeps saying how you shouldn’t try to be friends with an ex, the thing is, he’s not my ex. He is and always has been only my friend. So me wanting to keep him there as a friend isn’t as awkward as everyone seems to think.

 

And his fiancé is fine with me. We’ve met, talked, even hung out a few times.

 

But I understand. Being around him won’t give me enough space to heal. But you guys need to understand that this wasn’t a breakup. We didn’t have anything to break. We used to be friends, both drifted apart for a loooong time then became friends again, now we’re drifting again.

 

One thing I know for sure. I do love him. With all my heart. So much so that I’m willing to be there, even while he’s marrying someone else because I can’t bare being away from him or not having him in my life. I’ll push my feelings aside and just love him as a friend.

 

As for what happened between us.. it wasn’t all him. I could have very easily stopped him from kissing, touching.. you know. But I didn’t. It was MY choice to continue. I wanted to. So we can’t just blame him.

 

 

1. Calling this a friendship is self-deception. Maybe once upon a time when you were kids, you were friends. You aren't now. The sex changed things. Your feelings towards this guy permits genuine friendship. You want something from him so you hang onto every word, every moment etc. Friends don't require anything from eachother except maybe some support.

 

2. It doesn't matter if he's an ex or a "Friend." He doesn't want to be with you and therefore, you will have to get over him the same. You will not be able to turn your feelings off, so long as he is there.

 

3.You came on here hurting terribly and seeking advice and support but you are resisting all of it because you are so afraid to leave this comfort/familiarity behind and face the future without this man. It's like choosing to stay in a burning house.

 

4. If you can't let him go, you'll continue to hurt, you'll scar, and you'll watch your life pass you by and you will have no one to blame but yourself. Simple as that. You are responsible for yourself at this point.

 

- Beach

Edited July 26, 2018 by Beachead

[Madd_hatter]

I am taking everyone’s advice. I haven’t called or texted or anything. I’m trying my best to stop thinking so much about him.

 

And I think you’re right Beach. It feels so familiar to be around him. Makes me feel like I’m still me. My life has changed so much, I sometimes forget who I am. But being around him feels like I’m home again. Like I’m surrounded by familiar people who I’ve known forever. Oh my god beach I honestly think you just cracked it. I love him because he reminds me of a simpler time. An easier time. A happier time.

 

I do love him though, I know I do.

[Maddieandtae]

I would strongly recommend counseling. There must be a service that is free or lower cost. Talking to your pastor was a very good suggestion and one you should start with.

 

You might even need to go to a Dr. for evaluation of depression. The obsessive thoughts of him, not eating, sleeping and not finding joy in what you found before are symptoms that cannot be ignored. Your brain needs a rest and a recharge!

 

I hope one day you are able to see that his actions are not as great as you like to think and you take him off that high pedastal that you've placed him on.

 

Take care.

[Beachead]

I am taking everyone’s advice. I haven’t called or texted or anything. I’m trying my best to stop thinking so much about him.

 

And I think you’re right Beach. It feels so familiar to be around him. Makes me feel like I’m still me. My life has changed so much, I sometimes forget who I am. But being around him feels like I’m home again. Like I’m surrounded by familiar people who I’ve known forever. Oh my god beach I honestly think you just cracked it. I love him because he reminds me of a simpler time. An easier time. A happier time.

 

I do love him though, I know I do.

 

Well there you go. That's a discovery right there. That's an example of healing.

 

It'll be tough to simply "stop thinking" about a person that you can't get out of your head because it's not something you can think your way out of. Heartbroken people by default become addicts. Instead of drugs being your fix, he is your fix. Addicts want to return to their fix to have that temporary bliss again and they will deceive themselves in whatever way they can in order to do so. That's you right now. It's going to be hard but there are strategies to help you minimize suffering along the way.

 

Everytime you do something in your current routine, he's tied to it somehow. It reminds you of him. So, my first suggestion to you is to change up your existing routine into something new. Something he is not associated with.

 

As I said, because you can't "Stop thinking" about him, the goal is then to adopt new activities that will take up space which is at the moment, consumed by thoughts of him. You will need to be strategic with this and that's where writing comes in handy. It helps you make sense of the mess that's in your head and more specifically, will help you figure out the kinds of activities you should add to your life to help you do this.

 

Just for example sake, group oriented activities that you love or that challenge you to learn and develop new skills will require a part of your mind to focus. Coincidently, with these kinds of activities, you'll meet new people and get to socialize about your common interests. Apps like Meetups can help with this.

 

Other examples could be classes to help you with your career or even just hobbies that you enjoy. Ex. Guitar lessons every Wednesday and Continuing Education two evenings a week while Volunteering on Sundays.

 

Take your time, think about it, and slowly build it up. Within 3-4 months, you should have a brand new schedule that should keep your mind occupied with learning and moving forward. With new things going on, your brainpower will be directed more towards the stresses that are associated with those things and you'll find yourself thinking less about him. Time and keeping him out-of-sight, out-of-mind will do the rest.

 

- Beach

Edited July 27, 2018 by Beachead