Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him

[preraph]

If he was interested in you romantically in the least, he'd have slept with you eons ago. He isn't. He likes you as a friend and that is all, and not even enough to initiate contact. He's being polite when you do because he knows your family or something, right? He isn't on good behavior because he isn't dating you. You're like a little sister to him. You should get into therapy and get past this and not waste your whole life like this.

 

If I am incorrect and he has slept with you and continues to sleep with you and still treats you this way because he isn't really interested, then let me know and I'll have a different answer with similar advice.

Edited July 13, 2018 by preraph

[Madd_hatter]

If he was interested in you romantically in the least, he'd have slept with you eons ago. He isn't. He likes you as a friend and that is all, and not even enough to initiate contact. He's being polite when you do because he knows your family or something, right? He isn't on good behavior because he isn't dating you. You're like a little sister to him. You should get into therapy and get past this and not waste your whole life like this.

 

If I am incorrect and he has slept with you and continues to sleep with you and still treats you this way because he isn't really interested, then let me know and I'll have a different answer with similar advice.

 

 

We slept together once. He avoided me for weeks afterwards. But he always does things like that. He’ll build me up and then cut me off. He recently told me he didn’t think we should be friends anymore. But a few weeks later we were right back at it. (No sex since that one time though).

 

I saw him last a week ago. Last Friday. I miss him like crazy and fighting myself not to call him but I really just want to hear his voice.

 

Thanks for all the input guys.

[stillafool]

No insurance.

 

Was just looking for someone to talk to. Someone who maybe has been where I am. Someone to relate to I guess. Anyone I try to tell thinks I’m absolutely insane.

 

I think I am too. But it doesn’t change anything. He says jump and I ask how high. I bend over backwards for him and he doesn’t give me so much as a text back.

 

We could be doing fine and he’ll get angry, upset, or offended by the smallest thing I say/do. That will lead to us not speaking for days. I’m constantly apologizing and he makes me cry all the time.

 

Then he’ll be so sweet. Sweeter then any other guy has ever been to me, and it starts all over again. It’s exhausting. It’s draining. It’s killing me inside. But I can’t get over him.

 

Nothing interests me anymore. I don’t enjoy doing things I used to love. Even going to church the only thing I think of is how I can’t wait to see him there. It’s so bad.

 

Do you believe in prayer? That's always helped me more than anything else.

[Beachead]

We slept together once. He avoided me for weeks afterwards. But he always does things like that. He’ll build me up and then cut me off. He recently told me he didn’t think we should be friends anymore. But a few weeks later we were right back at it. (No sex since that one time though).

 

I saw him last a week ago. Last Friday. I miss him like crazy and fighting myself not to call him but I really just want to hear his voice.

 

Thanks for all the input guys.

 

You understand this thing you have with this guy is unhealthy right?

 

There's no friendship here and there's no relationship either. It's just a toxic, boundary-less pile of mud. No rules, no boundaries, no answers. It will keep a person stuck and drive them insane.

 

He told you he doesn't think you two should be friends. What that tells me is that's how he feels deep down inside despite the sex and interaction. The sex indicates he's attracted to you but the distance indicates he sees it as a mistake and also doesn't see you as a partner. Doesn't see a future. If he doesn't see a future, what's the point of all this suffering? Where is it even going?

 

The fact that you're tolerating all this tells me there is to a large degree on your part, a lack of respect and self-worth for yourself. You should never let people treat you like that. When they treat you badly, ignore you, play hot and cold and what not and you stay..you're teaching them to disrespect you. You're teaching them they can treat you like crap and you'll be there. You're teaching them you have no standards, no boundaries, won't say no, won't walk away.. are cheap and easy. And this means you can be pulled and pushed in any direction and molded into any kind of shape. I've been this person and I suffered for it.

 

While this guy has done you wrong, you're doing yourself wrong even more so.

There are people out there in the world who can and will do far worse to those who don't know how to stand up and be strong for themselves. These people will pick up on this lack of respect you have for yourself and will use it to take advantage, manipulate and hurt you and you won't have the strength to walk away.

 

Do yourself a favor and stop talking to him. Cut him out and go NC for yourself. You deserve to be with someone who is consistent in a relationship that is balanced and not up and down. You also deserve far more love than you are showing to yourself.

 

I really mean this with genuine respect. Take care of yourself.

 

-Beach

Edited July 13, 2018 by Beachead

[N2017]

You seem confused by his behavior and you're probably subconsciously trying to reel him in to assure yourself that you're good enough. When he shows interest in you you have the male attention that you want and when he pulls away you wonder what you did to cause this or what's wrong with you.

 

I say this and don't think you actually love him because he doesn't sound like a very nice guy. You state "everything about him" is what you want. Really???? You want a man that treats you like a joke, f***s you, and takes off and makes you beg for him? No, what you want is attention from him to make yourself feel better. This guy is a catch to you and you want to boost your ego.

 

I am sorry to be so harsh but that is my conclusion from it. I think you can go to counseling but what you really need is for someone to give you the cold hard truth and make you realize that you're degrading yourself over some man who is probably getting in the pants of at least one other girl.

[Madd_hatter]

Do you believe in prayer? That's always helped me more than anything else.

 

I do. I’ve prayed for God to help me and remove him from my heart. The truth is I’m terrified of losing him and don’t really want to stop feeling this way. I’m scared I’ll never feel for anyone how I feel for him

[N2017]

I do. I’ve prayed for God to help me and remove him from my heart. The truth is I’m terrified of losing him and don’t really want to stop feeling this way. I’m scared I’ll never feel for anyone how I feel for him

 

What are you losing? I don't get it.

 

Your mindset is that his d*** is made of gold or something. The illusion will wear off painlessly if you listen to the people on here OR it can wear off painfully if you keep going back to him.

[Beachead]

Oh man, I just read the original post and it broke my heart and pissed me off.

 

This guy is truly a piece of work. He used you for his own selfish reasons. If this man cared about you, he would not have done what he did. It is truly heartbreaking that you two knew eachother for as long as you have and he did that. It's low.

 

This is on him and a reflection on how much of a sh*tty human being he is.

 

Disregard what I said about telling him how you feel, it doesn't apply.

 

Don't talk to him again and don't let him talk to you again either. He lost you, not the other way around. I think what might help you is meeting new people but not for the purpose of dating. It should be for the purpose of light-hearted, friendship. This will remind you that there are healthy friendships out there to be discovered with people who will appreciate you and actually care for me. The more of that you see and discover, the more you will dilute the impact of what happened.

 

This man does not deserve your love or your pain.

 

- Beach

Edited July 14, 2018 by Beachead

[preraph]

So he slept with you once and it didn't make him want to be with you. That's a no. You've got to stop. The one thing you regret when you get older is the time you wasted on men (and women) who didn't want you. You deserve someone who wants you so you can have a real relationship. You need to make yourself accept reality.

[Madd_hatter]

It’s not really like that. I’m not cheap or easy at all. He’s actually the first and only guy that I’ve slept with. He knows that too. I told him that I was a virgin.

 

I respect myself a lot. That’s why I’d never sleep with a man that I didn’t have feelings for. I slept with him because I wanted to. Not because he pressured or took advantage of me. That wasn’t the case at all.

[Beachead]

It’s not really like that. I’m not cheap or easy at all. He’s actually the first and only guy that I’ve slept with. He knows that too. I told him that I was a virgin.

 

I respect myself a lot. That’s why I’d never sleep with a man that I didn’t have feelings for. I slept with him because I wanted to. Not because he pressured or took advantage of me. That wasn’t the case at all.

 

 

Well, this supposedly amazing man cheated on his girlfriend with you and then left you in the dust after he had sex with you. You weren't just anyone. You knew him for years. That is not okay. Wanting and willing to be with a guy who did is disrespectful to yourself.

 

So no, I didn't say you were cheap and easy OP. I said you are teaching this guy to disrespect you because you disrespect yourself. There's a difference.

 

- Beach

Edited July 14, 2018 by Beachead

[Madd_hatter]

Well, this supposedly amazing man cheated on his girlfriend with you and then left you in the dust after he had sex with you. You weren't just anyone. You knew him for years. That is not okay. Wanting and willing to be with a guy who did is disrespectful to yourself.

 

So no, I didn't say you were cheap and easy OP. I said you are teaching this guy to disrespect you because you disrespect yourself. There's a difference.

 

- Beach

 

I understand.

 

And I know it doesn’t sound like it, but he’s a great guy, I promise he is. I get why people always see him as an idiot but he’s really not. He’s sweet, kind, very giving, loves God, loves his family, he’s great with kids, always did fantastic in school, has a great job,.. I think he may have had a moment of weakness. I don’t know. But I do know he’s not a bad guy.

[Madd_hatter]

So it’s been a week and a half since I last heard from him. I saw him Sunday in church and although he kept looking at me, didn’t even say hi.

 

My heart is in a thousand pieces. We had a wonderful time that night. Did he not feel it?

 

I’m trying to move on but it’s so hard. Meanwhile.. there’s this other guy I’ve been spending time with, and at times I feel like I do like him but then there are times when I can’t. I don’t want to use him.

[Beachead]

So it’s been a week and a half since I last heard from him. I saw him Sunday in church and although he kept looking at me, didn’t even say hi.

 

My heart is in a thousand pieces. We had a wonderful time that night. Did he not feel it?

 

I’m trying to move on but it’s so hard. Meanwhile.. there’s this other guy I’ve been spending time with, and at times I feel like I do like him but then there are times when I can’t. I don’t want to use him.

 

And again, if it meant something more to him apart from just sex, he wouldn't be making you feel as crappy as you do but you'll come to these conclusions on your own when your ready.

 

For now, your move is to continue with the NC and focus on the future without him. For now, try to avoid the places that you know you will see him at. Try to do your best to redirect your focus towards your life, your goals, the people that care to keep you in their life because they are the ones that matter and your future.

 

As for this new guy, if you feel on and off, you're not ready yet. I would put some distance between you and the new guy as well as you need to sort your feelings and thoughts out with the other. If something serious ends up happening, you won't be ready and it will lead to an eventual disaster which will hurt him and coincidently make you feel like crap for doing so. I've been with women in dilemmas like this. It never ended well and I was the one who got burned.

 

What you need at the moment are the company of good friends, new people to meet, and alone time to work on yourself.

 

- Beach

Edited July 17, 2018 by Beachead

[Madd_hatter]

I’m really mad at him for hurting me over and over but I know if he’d call me tonight I’d drop whatever I was doing and run to be by his side.

 

I know the right thing to do, but I don’t want to do it. It’s very empty without him. I feel like my life is just waiting until the next time I get to see/be with him.

[Beachead]

I’m really mad at him for hurting me over and over but I know if he’d call me tonight I’d drop whatever I was doing and run to be by his side.

 

I know the right thing to do, but I don’t want to do it. It’s very empty without him. I feel like my life is just waiting until the next time I get to see/be with him.

 

Your life is waiting right now because you've succumbed to your weaknesss and relinquished control of your life and let this guy take over.

 

Let me tell you something that took me a long time to understand but once I did, it made all the difference.

 

You're in charge of your life no matter what OP. Take your hands off the wheel and let someone else drive (This guy) as you have and your car will crash and take your life with it. No matter how painful, how draining, how miserable life can end up being..keep both those hands on the wheel. That means take care of yourself, make sure your well-being and state of mind is intact. Learn to walk away. Learn to say no. Learn to stand up for yourself. It's okay to want or desire love and companionship so long as that isn't all you want because the second you lose them or something goes wrong, your whole life gets turned upside down. By having other things going on, you'll certainly get slammed to the ground but you'll be able to dilute the trauma, which will give you the strength to get back up and fight for yourself.

 

No one else is going to do this for you. Maybe we don't have control over a lot of things that happen to us but we do have control over how we deal with it. So, ultimately you're in charge of where your story goes. If you want it to be a tragedy, it'll be one. If you want it to be inspirational one, it can be one. It's anything you want. Make a good story.

 

- Beach

Edited July 18, 2018 by Beachead

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I understand.

 

And I know it doesn’t sound like it, but he’s a great guy, I promise he is. I get why people always see him as an idiot but he’s really not. He’s sweet, kind, very giving, loves God, loves his family, he’s great with kids, always did fantastic in school, has a great job,.. I think he may have had a moment of weakness. I don’t know. But I do know he’s not a bad guy.

 

So he's congenial and has a good job. I think you have a lot to learn about what makes someone a "good guy." He absolutely does not deserve to be on the pedestal upon which you've placed him. You're young and I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you WILL find someone for whom you feel as strongly about again, and the feelings will be reciprocated and not make you feel like crap.

[Madd_hatter]

It’s almost 4am where I am and I’m fighting myself not to call or text him. I’m so upset for how he’s treated me and he should know how I feel :/ can’t sleep I’m mad hurt and I miss him like crazy. I doubt he’s asleep right now. I just wanna hear his voice :’(

 

Could just be the alcohol talking

[Sunlight72]

I've read this whole thread. I'm sorry for your hurt, and the unappreciated direction of your affection with this man.

 

I also hear that part of you wants to move forward. I would encourage you to keep seeing your new guy. If you feel compelled, you could tell him (once) that you like spending time with him, and yet you're hung up on an old love interest. If he chooses to keep spending time with you, then when you want to speak with or see your old crush, call or text the new guy. Don't talk about the old guy with him, but use that impetus to reach out to someone, preferably the new guy, or some other friend some of the time.

 

It would be a positive expression for you to make new habits, starting with doing something to help yourself be more aware of the rest of the world when you want to talk to your old crush, and to give the gift of your time and good graces to other people. When ever the new guy asks you to do something, say yes, and then do more.

 

If he asks you to the park say yes, then don't tell him but bring a blanket and cheese and crackers or carrots and dip. If he asks you to a movie, say yes, and make three little notes. Give him them during the movie, or before and after. If he asks you to dinner, say yes, and tell him to pick you up 30 minutes earlier than he plans - when he gets to your place, invite him in, sit him down and rub his shoulders with little or no talking, then go to dinner a little early so you don't have to hurry.

 

You said you've been praying for help from God. Well guess what? It's here. Don't ignore the help He has sent you.

 

You have the chance to show your appreciation that a man has been sent to help you remember the good gifts that you have to share with other people. Don't be flippant about the helper you've been sent. Be thankful, and act with gratefulness. Let God work through your graciousness. It will help you wash out pain and self-examination, and wash in lightness and generosity.

 

Even if you don't really feel he's 'the one', it's good for all of us to give to someone else. And presumably this new guy is a good guy, yes? So you can honestly give him the gift of feeling appreciated and having a sweet time with you.

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

Edited July 22, 2018 by Sunlight72

[LilithD]

I think you should really listen to what Sunlight72 posted. It is truly what you need to do to gradually wean yourself away from thoughts about someone you put should behind you.

[Beachead]

It’s almost 4am where I am and I’m fighting myself not to call or text him. I’m so upset for how he’s treated me and he should know how I feel :/ can’t sleep I’m mad hurt and I miss him like crazy. I doubt he’s asleep right now. I just wanna hear his voice :’(

 

Could just be the alcohol talking

 

I've been here in this slump before, where my chest felt heavy and ached. I barely slept. I'd wake up 3 or 4 in the morning and couldn't fall back to sleep so I would put on a movie and watch. I had no appetite and barely ate so I lost weight. Couldn't think of anything but the one person I wanted who happened to be the one person who didn't want me. I'd check my phone every 5 minutes. When it would buzz or I'd get a call, I'd run to it excitedly and feel massive heartbreak when it wasn't them. Yep..been there a few times over. Whole life went to sh*t during times like this.

 

You can't change what he does or how he feels but you can definitely take care of yourself. Right now, you need yourself more than anyone and so you need to be there for you. I know getting through a day is overwhelming enough so don't bother. It's too much. You have to build up to it slowly and it won't happen overnight so take life 1 hour at a time. Let yourself cry and grieve. One of the best suggestions I can give you is to write. I wrote after every one of my rejections and it always helped me understand things better. In recent years I've also found that it is such a valuable tool to get me to figure out my life goals as well.

 

Get a notebook, and journal out your thoughts every night. Say whatever it is you want to say to him in that book when you feel that sense of desperation. You can even just freewrite your daily thoughts into the book. No formatting, no structure. Simple free flow writing until you have nothing left to say. If you keep doing this, you'll start to notice patterns in your thinking.

 

Every night before you go to bed, write out one..maybe two things that you want to accomplish the next day. Could be paying off some bills, could be stopping by the grocery store to pick up some food. It can be something very simple and manageable.

 

You can also write out two things that you look forward to each morning or two things that you are grateful for. I knew what I was grateful for and I looked forward to warm showers and an afternoon coffee. I'd also look forward to a particular show or movie to watch in the evening. My highights were warm shower and coffee, movies, and my lows were when I would sleep or feel so low I'd cry.

 

Last thing for that journal is write out is your life plan. Map it out. Write out the end goal and the series of short term goals you'll need to accomplish to get there. Having a plan and a purpose in life will matter during times like this. When your state of mind goes to the garbage, it's your goals that'll bring you back.

 

In Summary

 

1.Freewrite your thoughts out (Whenever you feel like you are going to suffocate)

2. 2 things you want to accomplish the next day (Write this everynight and accomplish it)

3. 2 things you are grateful for (Every few days)

4. 2 things look forward to (Everyday)

5. Life plan (Once a month)

 

In addition, Sunlight72 is onto something when he says you need to be with people who aren't ignoring you and want to be around you. People who remind you that you are wanted and loved.

 

- Beach

Edited July 22, 2018 by Beachead

[LoverOfDance]

Hatter - First of all, i'd like to say I love your Username. Absolutely love that character from Alice in Wonderland.

 

Secondly, God, words cannot explain how badly I feel for you. What this man has done to you is so horrible and I wish so badly that you could see it. I'm sure he has done some good deeds in his life but this one deed - taking the virginity of a good friend he knows is in love with him with no intention to be with her and doing this while dating someone he plans to marry, this deed is what I would consider to be evil. I wish you could open your eyes and see it. Mark my words, he will answer for this one day. Believe me. Be it tomorrow or 50 years from now, he will pay for this.

 

Hatter - I have experienced this too. The exact same thing you're going through - the overwhelming emotions, obsessive thoughts and feelings that make you feel like you're going crazy, I have experienced every bit of it. You're going to come out of this just like I did and you will be stronger for it.

 

Please tell someone, a good friend, a brother or a sister - someone who will listen to you whine for weeks, months or years and never judge you. Tell someone. You will get through this, I promise. You are not alone. Ever.

[Madd_hatter]

I want to say thank you to everyone for taking the time to listen and give advice. It’s really appreciated.

 

So I stuck to my guns. Haven’t called or texted him. He still hasn’t come looking for me either and that really really hurts. But I can’t make myself a fool anymore then I already have.

 

Trying to move on but it’s harder than one would think. He’s always on my mind. I keep replaying our last conversation over and over and over. Thinking of every word I said, every word he said, my reactions to whatever he said... just trying to figure what I said or did wrong. It makes no sense I know. I’m just trying to figure it out.

 

Miss him terribly. I’d literally do anything to see him right now. I genuinely mean that from my heart.

 

We were together a couple weeks ago and we shared a bottle of water. I swear to god I still have the bottle. I don’t know why lol

[Beachead]

I want to say thank you to everyone for taking the time to listen and give advice. It’s really appreciated.

 

So I stuck to my guns. Haven’t called or texted him. He still hasn’t come looking for me either and that really really hurts. But I can’t make myself a fool anymore then I already have.

 

Trying to move on but it’s harder than one would think. He’s always on my mind. I keep replaying our last conversation over and over and over. Thinking of every word I said, every word he said, my reactions to whatever he said... just trying to figure what I said or did wrong. It makes no sense I know. I’m just trying to figure it out.

 

Miss him terribly. I’d literally do anything to see him right now. I genuinely mean that from my heart.

 

We were together a couple weeks ago and we shared a bottle of water. I swear to god I still have the bottle. I don’t know why lol

 

You know why OP. You cared. He mattered. You were in love.

 

How you are feeling and thinking is incredibly normal. Many many many many many many people feel this way. I hope you know that.

 

I still think about someone that meant something to me a year ago even though she's married and moved on. Sometimes my mind involuntarily replays a moment we shared. When that breakup happened..I was a mess.

 

I'm still not all well and I don't expect to be . She broke my heart and she broke it badly and that's all there is to it. But from Day 1, I let myself feel whatever it was I had to feel and I didn't give up on myself. The journey was a nightmare but after a year of thinking, contemplating, wondering, writing, not giving up on myself and pushing forward..I have improved. Pain's there..just quieter, more managable. If I want to cry, I'll have a good session but I haven't felt the need.

 

Depending on who you are, what you've been through, how much you know yourself, how honest you are with yourself, what your relationship was like, how much you loved this person, how much experience and understanding you have about relationships/break ups..healing can take a week, a few months, a year, a few years, many years..sometimes you may never be okay again. Granted the longer it's been since the breakup, the more likely it's you who's holding yourself back but in general, you can't put a time limit on these things.

 

Do not let this man back into your life. Let that pain he's caused you remind you of why he shouldn't have your heart. Matter of fact, write this down in a book somewhere. All the pain and anger you feel. When you feel weak which you will, you read it and remind yourself of what you need to do for yourself.

 

All can do though is allow yourself to feel the pain, forgive yourself, and not give up. You need you more than anyone else does right now for if you lose yourself, no one can get you back. You're doomed. Take care of yourself. You will likely relapse and hit low points but remember that it'll happen to remind you of what direction you should be heading towards.

 

Best of luck on your journey back to yourself

 

- Beach

Edited July 25, 2018 by Beachead

[Madd_hatter]

I wake up every morning wishing to wake up from this nightmare. I keep hoping to see a text or missed call as soon as I open my eyes. He hasn’t even been very active on social media.

 

Yeah it hurts like hell. But I think being without him hurts more than him betraying me does. You guys will probably think I’m so dumb for saying this but I know that if he were to call me, I’d drop whatever it was I was doing to be by his side. I don’t want to give him up.

 

It feels like I’m drowning. I truly don’t believe I’ll ever find someone I love this much again. I don’t want to face my life without him in it. Even as just a friend.

 

Beach suggested I let myself have a good cry. Ha! I cry non stop. So much so that I make myself sick. I’m barely eating. Sleep? If I get 3 hours in that’s a good night.

 

My brain won’t shut off. I have so many good memories with him. Can his “fiancé” remember learning how to ride a bike with him? Or playing hide and seek on the boardwalk? His first job? Was she there when his uncle died and he cried for 2 weeks? Guess who was???? Me.

 

I want him inspite if all his flaws. I fell in love with his flaws.