I am annoyed with my boyfriends ex

June 25, 2018

Lots of people go NC after breaking up, before they even get into a new relationship - in fact, it's generally recommended for healing. Is there some circumstance here that I'm unaware of, do they have kids together or something?

But they decided NOT to go NC or they already had NC during the first few months after their breakup and felt both didn’t have romantic feelings anymore and resumed their contact.

June 25, 2018

Not sure about the knight in shining armor thing, but i think it may have to do with guilt.

Yeah she knows i exist, he told her about me when we were dating for 5 months. This was in November. This was also the last time he saw her face to face (it was for logistical reasons, she had to sign something).

I also think it’s not so great she leans on him for support but he told me she has no more friends really. Most of their mutual friends “chose” him after the break up and they are not much in touch with her because she may not be able to give much back due to her illness, so people pulled away from her.
That’s why i think he feels guilt.

I already told him it bothers me but i haven’t told him i want him to stop contact with her.

Are you two seriously in love or just like each other? The reason why I ask you that is the way he's giving her attention thus your getting jealous of what he doing for her. Sure he knows her longer than you but that's excuse. If you want this guy you need to tell him"LISTEN I AM WITH YOU SHE'S HISTORY YOU HAVE TO DECIDE? IS GOING TO BE YOU AND ME OR YOU AND HER?

If he still doesn't do anything but continues to text her or more then you need to get your derriere out of this so called screwed up togetherness he's not giving you! Your not getting his 100% attention and if he makes up excuses then you know his heart is still with her. You just sit there and settle. Girl you need to stop settling over this hogwash!

June 25, 2018

Assuming the two women have met, then what? She only saw her bf during the weekend (I assume that’s what she meant by once a week), the ex and the bf can still call and text each other plenty on weekdays.

Heaven said last time she was aware the ex didn't know her name was back in November, that's 8 months ago. For all we know she has learn more about Heaven since then.

I highly doubt she is after Heaven's bf. She suffers from mental illness, she had an accident and is in a bad shape enough she had to move back to her parents, do you really think that's something a woman is proud of! and something to attract an ex with! Like No_go said this man has been her reference for everything since her teen years.

Heaven about having a conversation with your bf about what this woman knows about you and share your desire with him to be introduced.

June 25, 2018

But they decided NOT to go NC or they already had NC during the first few months after their breakup and felt both didn’t have romantic feelings anymore and resumed their contact.

This does not sound anything like a healthy "we'll occasionally text but we feel nothing for each other" contact. According to the opening post, she's constantly texting him, they engage in phone calls often, and the ex doesn't know about his new gf. OP's bf knows that this constant contact with the ex grates on her, but he doesn't care enough to do anything about it. Is this all accurate?

If it is, I can completely understand why the OP is put off, except I think she's directing her ire at the wrong person. Contact with an ex only works when both parties have good boundaries and neither tries to breach them. If one party has none, the other party is obligated to impose those boundaries if they are in a relationship, IMO. There is nothing inherently cruel or wrong with going LC or even NC with an ex, barring extenuating circumstances like having children and needing to coordinate custody.

June 25, 2018

Assuming the two women have met, then what? She only saw her bf during the weekend (I assume that’s what she meant by once a week), the ex and the bf can still call and text each other plenty on weekdays.

No this not good why in the world would you think it's so? Not fair on OP and it's not fair period!

June 25, 2018

First off there are a lot of GREAT posts here from the "Love Shack" posters!!

Secondly, I have a crazy idea.

How about if "heavenonearth" contacts the ex-girlfriend herself. Obtain ex's phone number from boyfriend's phone, utilize a pay phone or a disposable cell phone to call the ex-girlfriend. This way the ex-girlfriend can't stalk her. Heaven can identify herself as "______'s (insert boyfriend's name) current girlfriend" without giving her name and tell the ex that the constant phone calls and texts are upsetting her and to please stop calling boyfriend. Be polite, but firm.

One of two things is going to happen, the ex-girlfriend is going to finally give up and leave the guy alone or she is going to call the guy to complain. I think the latter will happen. Then Heaven can explain to her boyfriend that he wasn't doing anything to correct the situation, that this was a real problem, it was upsetting her and the problem needed to be brought to a head.

If the boyfriend refuses to stop communicating with the ex, then we know he still has real feelings for his ex-girlfriend. At the minimum, he will be aware of the gravity of the situation and that his behavior with the ex-girlfriend needs to stop. The boyfriend is aware that this communication upsets "Heaven", but he still continues to communicate with the ex. I was wondering if "Heaven" just needs to take take her displeasure up a notch??

June 25, 2018

Lots of people go NC after breaking up, before they even get into a new relationship - in fact, it's generally recommended for healing. Is there some circumstance here that I'm unaware of, do they have kids together or something?

No kids but 15 years of history... The split was amicable and seemingly mutual decision.

I've heard (although I don't understand or endorse) people that can't cope well going NC with exes for weeks/months. But here we're talking 1.5 years later... Unless she was a stalker or threatening, no point of going NC IMO...Just Heaven's BF need to find a way to be more reserved/distant with the ex, and maybe it's time to introduce Heaven to her.

June 25, 2018

No kids but 15 years of history... The split was amicable and seemingly mutual decision.

I've heard (although I don't understand or endorse) people that can't cope well going NC with exes for weeks/months. But here we're talking 1.5 years later... Unless she was a stalker or threatening, no point of going NC IMO...Just Heaven's BF need to find a way to be more reserved/distant with the ex, and maybe it's time to introduce Heaven to her.

The point of NC is to get her to stop the constant contact. LC could perhaps work, but he doesn't appear to be doing that either.

I don't really see how he's doing her any favours by letting her carry on like this, to be honest. She clearly isn't over him if she's texting him multiple times a day and calling multiple times a week - that's gf territory, not acquaintance territory. It seems like he's encouraging her. If he wasn't, she might have gotten over this a year ago and might even have a new boyfriend now.

June 25, 2018

First off there are a lot of GREAT posts here from the "Love Shack" posters!!

Secondly, I have a crazy idea.

How about if "heavenonearth" contacts the ex-girlfriend herself. Obtain ex's phone number from boyfriend's phone, utilize a pay phone or a disposable cell phone to call the ex-girlfriend. This way the ex-girlfriend can't stalk her. Heaven can identify herself as "______'s (insert boyfriend's name) current girlfriend" without giving her name and tell the ex that the constant phone calls and texts are upsetting her and to please stop calling boyfriend. Be polite, but firm.

One of two things is going to happen, the ex-girlfriend is going to finally give up and leave the guy alone or she is going to call the guy to complain. I think the latter will happen. Then Heaven can explain to her boyfriend that he wasn't doing anything to correct the situation, that this was a real problem, it was upsetting her and the problem needed to be brought to a head.

If the boyfriend refuses to stop communicating with the ex, then we know he still has real feelings for his ex-girlfriend. At the minimum, he will be aware of the gravity of the situation and that his behavior with the ex-girlfriend needs to stop. The boyfriend is aware that this communication upsets "Heaven", but he still continues to communicate with the ex. I was wondering if "Heaven" just needs to take take her displeasure up a notch??

Sounds like a plan but we all know he still have feelings for her or he still likes to have both woman at this beck and call. Sometimes we men still like to talk to our ex gf just to feel whole again. But if you truly love the new gf then you shouldn't be talking to your ex gf.. No matter what she's involved with. He's not suppose to be doing this and we all know this...!!!!!!

June 25, 2018

Your situation is different, as your hubby found his former close female friend annoying now (I don’t understand how a guy can have a close female friend when he’s not gay, btw).

In this case, my husband grew up with this particular female friend; they were elementary school playmates in a very small town. I don't think it's unusual or strange for men to have close female friends, but I do think it's weird for anyone to prioritize a friend (especially a friend with romantic history!) over their current partner.

I have some friends who divorced amicably, and while they talk from time to time, it's never for long and it's nowhere near the level of contact Heaven is describing here. It feels inappropriate particularly as Heaven only sees her boyfriend on weekends.

June 25, 2018

He's not suppose to be doing this and we all know this...!!!!!!

100% Correct!!

June 25, 2018

One more point here is they're not engaged and not married. So both are single and can do anything they want. So I guess he "the bf" figures it's okay to talk to the ex-gf because he knew her longer became good friend and wants to be a crying shoulder for her in her time need. OP has to decide if she wants to continue but she has no right to tell him what to do. Either allow it walk out the door for good. Young love is so different for those who were married and gone through divorce and still keep in touch with their ex love. I myself figure it's best to keep the girls I know as friends but if I am with someone like current gf then I shouldn't be texting anyone else. Because I am sure wouldn't want her to text her ex-bf while she was with me. Everyone should be 100% with the one your with. Ex is your Ex for a reason?

Edited June 25, 2018 by coolheadal

June 25, 2018

In this case, my husband grew up with this particular female friend; they were elementary school playmates in a very small town. I don't think it's unusual or strange for men to have close female friends, but I do think it's weird for anyone to prioritize a friend (especially a friend with romantic history!) over their current partner.

I have some friends who divorced amicably, and while they talk from time to time, it's never for long and it's nowhere near the level of contact Heaven is describing here. It feels inappropriate particularly as Heaven only sees her boyfriend on weekends.

Right. I do have my exes on FB, but contact with them ranges from never to a couple of messages a year. The SO is NC with his only ex (whom he was with for 7 years at a younger age than the OP's bf's ex was).

OP, out of curiosity, why only meeting on weekends when you've been together for several months now (if I recall correctly)? Do both of you live far apart?

June 25, 2018

Heaven said last time she was aware the ex didn't know her name was back in November, that's 8 months ago. For all we know she has learn more about Heaven since then.

I highly doubt she is after Heaven's bf. She suffers from mental illness, she had an accident and is in a bad shape enough she had to move back to her parents, do you really think that's something a woman is proud of! and something to attract an ex with! Like No_go said this man has been her reference for everything since her teen years.

Heaven about having a conversation with your bf about what this woman knows about you and share your desire with him to be introduced.

Yes, I have never asked him, actually.. what exactly he told her about me.

I think the next time I see him, which is coming Thursday, I will ask him exactly this, and ask when he will be seeing her next (my guess is he will say there is no date in the near future at which he will see her, for now, and then I will tell him to please inform me once he knows).

June 25, 2018

Heaven mentioned several times they live in different cities and commute is not easy because she doesn't drive.

I can attest this is VERY normal for couples in NL - hovering over day in and day out is not the norm there, and her BF acts very Dutch from the way how she describes him (having his active friend circle etc).

I'd say contact with the ex wouldn't be out of norm but something about the circumstances (her age, her time being with him) makes me very suspicious for her motives...

Right. I do have my exes on FB, but contact with them ranges from never to a couple of messages a year. The SO is NC with his only ex (whom he was with for 7 years at a younger age than the OP's bf's ex was).

OP, out of curiosity, why only meeting on weekends when you've been together for several months now (if I recall correctly)? Do both of you live far apart?

June 25, 2018

But they decided NOT to go NC or they already had NC during the first few months after their breakup and felt both didn’t have romantic feelings anymore and resumed their contact.

They were not in touch at all for the first few months of their break up, unless it was for practical reasons (her picking up a box of stuff here and there, saying good bye to the house, which, by the way, happened when he was not there, and taking care of their shared work place),but then in the past few months the contact got more and more, and now she is reaching out far more than just for practical reasons, because really, there are no more practical reasons.

Now she is reaching out to talk about her problems...

June 25, 2018

Yes, I have never asked him, actually.. what exactly he told her about me.
I think the next time I see him, which is coming Thursday, I will ask him exactly this, and ask when he will be seeing her next (my guess is he will say there is no date in the near future at which he will see her, for now, and then I will tell him to please inform me once he knows).

This gets complicated now.. He might be seeing her as well but as friends. Still your not around him 24/7.

So when the cat's away, the mice will play.

June 25, 2018

Right. I do have my exes on FB, but contact with them ranges from never to a couple of messages a year. The SO is NC with his only ex (whom he was with for 7 years at a younger age than the OP's bf's ex was).

OP, out of curiosity, why only meeting on weekends when you've been together for several months now (if I recall correctly)? Do both of you live far apart?

Heaven mentioned several times they live in different cities and commute is not easy because she doesn't drive.

I can attest this is VERY normal for couples in NL - hovering over day in and day out is not the norm there, and her BF acts very Dutch from the way how she describes him (having his active friend circle etc).

I'd say contact with the ex wouldn't be out of norm but something about the circumstances (her age, her time being with him) makes me very suspicious for her motives...

We live in different cities. Commuting just for sleepovers during the week is tedious, but we do it every now and then as well.

And we have been dating for a year now.

June 25, 2018

Are you two seriously in love or just like each other? The reason why I ask you that is the way he's giving her attention thus your getting jealous of what he doing for her. Sure he knows her longer than you but that's excuse. If you want this guy you need to tell him"LISTEN I AM WITH YOU SHE'S HISTORY YOU HAVE TO DECIDE? IS GOING TO BE YOU AND ME OR YOU AND HER?
If he still doesn't do anything but continues to text her or more then you need to get your derriere out of this so called screwed up togetherness he's not giving you! Your not getting his 100% attention and if he makes up excuses then you know his heart is still with her. You just sit there and settle. Girl you need to stop settling over this hogwash!

Of course we are madly in love with each other. For both of us, this is IT.

I feel very much loved by him and I don't think our togetherness is 'screwed up'. Not settling for anything, he's the love of my life.

Sounds like a plan but we all know he still have feelings for her or he still likes to have both woman at this beck and call. Sometimes we men still like to talk to our ex gf just to feel whole again. But if you truly love the new gf then you shouldn't be talking to your ex gf.. No matter what she's involved with. He's not suppose to be doing this and we all know this...!!!!!!

He does not have romantic feelings for her anymore, he sees her as a friend.

He does not need to talk to her to feel 'whole again', I am making him feel whole enough, thanks.

One more point here is they're not engaged and not married. So both are single and can do anything they want. So I guess he "the bf" figures it's okay to talk to the ex-gf because he knew her longer became good friend and wants to be a crying shoulder for her in her time need. OP has to decide if she wants to continue but she has no right to tell him what to do. Either allow it walk out the door for good. Young love is so different for those who were married and gone through divorce and still keep in touch with their ex love. I myself figure it's best to keep the girls I know as friends but if I am with someone like current gf then I shouldn't be texting anyone else. Because I am sure wouldn't want her to text her ex-bf while she was with me. Everyone should be 100% with the one your with. Ex is your Ex for a reason?

We are not single, we are in a committed partnership with each other.

This gets complicated now.. He might be seeing her as well but as friends. Still your not around him 24/7.

So when the cat's away, the mice will play.

He does not see her and has not seen her since November.

June 25, 2018

We live in different cities. Commuting just for sleepovers during the week is tedious, but we do it every now and then as well.
And we have been dating for a year now.

Ah, okay, that's fair enough. I do think you should express to him that his level of contact with his ex upsets you, and see what he does about it. Don't put it as an ultimatum or trying to tell him what to do, just tell him how you feel about it. But don't downplay your feelings or say it's just a minor annoyance either - because it clearly isn't.

June 25, 2018

In this case, my husband grew up with this particular female friend; they were elementary school playmates in a very small town. I don't think it's unusual or strange for men to have close female friends, but I do think it's weird for anyone to prioritize a friend (especially a friend with romantic history!) over their current partner.

I have some friends who divorced amicably, and while they talk from time to time, it's never for long and it's nowhere near the level of contact Heaven is describing here. It feels inappropriate particularly as Heaven only sees her boyfriend on weekends.

Well I would not say he is prioritizing her over me, nor would I say he prioritizes anybody over me. I get the majority of his attention.

However, regarding the level of contact: I have no clue what they are talking about. I don't know what their texting conversations look like, I don't know what they say on the phone to each other. So I cannot comment on that. I only know what he tells me. And I never ask much, this is just from what he tells me without me asking much.

June 25, 2018

First off there are a lot of GREAT posts here from the "Love Shack" posters!!

Secondly, I have a crazy idea.

How about if "heavenonearth" contacts the ex-girlfriend herself. Obtain ex's phone number from boyfriend's phone, utilize a pay phone or a disposable cell phone to call the ex-girlfriend. This way the ex-girlfriend can't stalk her. Heaven can identify herself as "______'s (insert boyfriend's name) current girlfriend" without giving her name and tell the ex that the constant phone calls and texts are upsetting her and to please stop calling boyfriend. Be polite, but firm.

One of two things is going to happen, the ex-girlfriend is going to finally give up and leave the guy alone or she is going to call the guy to complain. I think the latter will happen. Then Heaven can explain to her boyfriend that he wasn't doing anything to correct the situation, that this was a real problem, it was upsetting her and the problem needed to be brought to a head.

If the boyfriend refuses to stop communicating with the ex, then we know he still has real feelings for his ex-girlfriend. At the minimum, he will be aware of the gravity of the situation and that his behavior with the ex-girlfriend needs to stop. The boyfriend is aware that this communication upsets "Heaven", but he still continues to communicate with the ex. I was wondering if "Heaven" just needs to take take her displeasure up a notch??

I would never go behind his back and do this. I think that's a breach of trust from my side, and if he would do something like that with an ex of mine, I'd reconsider if I could trust him or not.

So yeah, I won't be doing this strategy, thanks for suggesting it, though.

June 25, 2018

I would never go behind his back and do this. I think that's a breach of trust from my side, and if he would do something like that with an ex of mine, I'd reconsider if I could trust him or not.
So yeah, I won't be doing this strategy, thanks for suggesting it, though.

So what do you think you should do to "raise the bar"??

You've already told him that the communication upsets you and that didn't seem to make a difference. Do you think meeting her (in person) will change anything??

On one hand I'm impressed with your boyfriend for cutting his vacation short to come home early for your one year dating anniversary, but on the other hand he continues communicating with his ex-girlfriend when he knows it upsets you.

I'm scratching my head on this one "Heaven"?? I just don't know...

June 25, 2018

This is it, you're madly in love, he's the love of your life...but have you thought about moving to be closer together? He has been clear that he doesn't want to marry you or move in together, so unless you are living in the same city, this is as close as it's going to get. Is that enough for you?

Marriage isn't for everyone, and living together doesn't magically fix things. There is nothing wrong with being so separate from each other if it makes you happy. But it doesn't seem to be working for you. You have posted many threads about times when he's dismissive, how he doesn't introduce you to some of his friends, and how you feel insecure when you don't know what he's up to. The answer to insecurity thing has to come from you. But would you feel happier and like a bigger part of each other's lives if you at least saw one another more often?

June 25, 2018

This is it, you're madly in love, he's the love of your life...but have you thought about moving to be closer together? He has been clear that he doesn't want to marry you or move in together, so unless you are living in the same city, this is as close as it's going to get. Is that enough for you?

Marriage isn't for everyone, and living together doesn't magically fix things. There is nothing wrong with being so separate from each other if it makes you happy. But it doesn't seem to be working for you. You have posted many threads about times when he's dismissive, how he doesn't introduce you to some of his friends, and how you feel insecure when you don't know what he's up to. The answer to insecurity thing has to come from you. But would you feel happier and like a bigger part of each other's lives if you at least saw one another more often?

Well, that's an issue that's not going to be fixed anytime soon.

I cannot afford to live in his city (rents are much higher there than where I live), and he won't leave to live here because he owns, and I rent.

I think we will move together eventually but I don't think anytime soon.

I think that'll be another two years at least, or until we have kids (aka buying a house together).

I don't know what getting married has to do with that, though.

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I am annoyed with my boyfriends ex

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