heavenonearth Posted May 24, 2018 Posted May 24, 2018 Your bf is on trip with some friends, not alone with a woman.. That’s the difference. Sorry, i thought i read somewhere that a third person is tagging along.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 24, 2018 Posted May 24, 2018 Sorry, i thought i read somewhere that a third person is tagging along. He said a third person "might" be invited to soften the blow and minimize how crappy this is of him to do this (in my opinion). 1
heavenonearth Posted May 24, 2018 Posted May 24, 2018 He said a third person "might" be invited to soften the blow and minimize how crappy this is of him to do this (in my opinion). Mh yeah that makes more sense. I just feel that if he truly wanted to cheat with this woman, there is no need to go on a trip with her. He can do it in their home town as well.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 24, 2018 Posted May 24, 2018 Mh yeah that makes more sense. I just feel that if he truly wanted to cheat with this woman, there is no need to go on a trip with her. He can do it in their home town as well. True, but even if they don't have sex it's highly inappropriate and hurtful. I mean, can you imagine the poor OP telling her family about it? Oh he's on a weekend trip with another girl but no big deal....??
heavenonearth Posted May 24, 2018 Posted May 24, 2018 True, but even if they don't have sex it's highly inappropriate and hurtful. I mean, can you imagine the poor OP telling her family about it? Oh he's on a weekend trip with another girl but no big deal....?? Yes i feel i would also be upset if my boyfriend did that. Especially if it is someone i don’t know. Like, i posted a few months back about my boyfriend spending an evening at the ice skating rink with a female friend, which upset me a lot at the time. But it was mainly because i didn’t know her. I have since met her and feel more comfortable about them spending time together now. I feel that’s a big part of it too. But of course it needs more context. It’s hard to say. OPs boyfriend would do best by not going to the trip at all. Would save a lot of trouble. 1
Gaeta Posted May 24, 2018 Posted May 24, 2018 Mh yeah that makes more sense. I just feel that if he truly wanted to cheat with this woman, there is no need to go on a trip with her. He can do it in their home town as well. This is a new girl, a hottie of 10 years younger, in his mind this trip is the perfect opportunity to impress her and then seduce her. 2
heavenonearth Posted May 24, 2018 Posted May 24, 2018 This is a new girl, a hottie of 10 years younger, in his mind this trip is the perfect opportunity to impress her and then seduce her. Kinda sick that there is guys out there who actually think this way. Hard to believe for me but i suppose they exist.
lakerman34 Posted May 24, 2018 Posted May 24, 2018 (edited) Sounds like he has DMS (Dumb Male Syndrome). The fact that he's "confused" makes me think he was dropped on the head during infancy. Really? If you REALLY did make it as clear as you say you did that you really wanted to do an outdoor's climb, and couldn't wait to do so, yet he is going ahead and doing it with another woman just because it fits in his schedule and not yours, as a man, I'd be weirded out if my girlfriend weren't upset. I think you'd be completely in the right if you asked to meet this woman. You can all sit down and have dinner together. If it makes you uncomfortable, I think you have every right to say it. My girlfriend is very much sex positive, and we want to open up our relationship (to a degree). Some things make me... nervous. My dad has told me a story that once he was seeing my mom seriously for a while, another guy jumped into the picture. They'd go on jogs everyday. My mom started talking about him a lot. Finally, my dad said it made him uncomfortable, and she dropped 'jogging-man' right away. With this in mind, I went to talk to my girlfriend about my concerns, thinking that she would end it due to being incompatible. She COMPLETELY heard me out, understood, and was just happy that I always kept an open-mind. That's a HEALTHY relationship. I think you'd be VERY in the right to speak your truth and say that this relationship makes you nervous. If he gets defensive, clearly his going on a trip with a "hot young thing" is more important to him than his relationship with you. That sucks, but you should really meditate into that, if it's the case. He isn't all that if that's truly the case. Edited May 25, 2018 by lakerman34 2
Author atsumi Posted May 25, 2018 Author Posted May 25, 2018 Thank you for the feedback, everyone. I plan to talk with my fiance about this issue in detail tomorrow. I am going to do my best to stay calm and not get emotional or accusatory, but I am going to convey to him that I do not consider his actions considerate or appropriate for our relationship. As a few of you suggested, I'm not going to try and forbid him from going, and will let him make his own decision about how he wants to proceed. Then I'll draw my conclusions and decide the next steps, depending on what happens. Thanks again for all the great advice... this situation has been really eating me up for the past few days, so I really appreciate you all. 3
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 25, 2018 Posted May 25, 2018 Thank you for the feedback, everyone. I plan to talk with my fiance about this issue in detail tomorrow. I am going to do my best to stay calm and not get emotional or accusatory, but I am going to convey to him that I do not consider his actions considerate or appropriate for our relationship. As a few of you suggested, I'm not going to try and forbid him from going, and will let him make his own decision about how he wants to proceed. Then I'll draw my conclusions and decide the next steps, depending on what happens. Thanks again for all the great advice... this situation has been really eating me up for the past few days, so I really appreciate you all. I was thinking about you, so I'm glad you posted an update. I hope your talk goes well. Generally speaking, I don't think male/female friendships outside a dating relationship are at all necessary. Once you have a partner, those relationships just have to change, and there's certainly no need to develop NEW ones. Good luck! 1
bathtub-row Posted May 25, 2018 Posted May 25, 2018 For some bizarre reason, my son who’s in his late 20’s has a ton of female friends. He has a lot of friends in general but I’ve always been intrigued by the number of females. I think it’s because his closest cousins were girls and they had their neighbor girl friends, etc so he’s extremely comfortable around women. Anyway, I know he wouldn’t even dream of suggesting to his current gf that he was going on trip with another female alone. That wouldn’t happen in a million years. And this is a guy who could use the “friend” excuse quite easily. Just giving you some perspective on this. I hope all goes well and I think you’re smart to let him make the decision. Keep us posted. 1
lurker74 Posted May 25, 2018 Posted May 25, 2018 Just curious, lurker, how is any of this OP’s fault? I disagree that just because this woman isn’t in their mutual group of friends it’s wrong. It wouldn’t matter who she was. Unless she’s a relative, it’s inappropriate. I didn't mean to imply that it was her fault, other than to say that miscommunication is everyone's fault. If you've seen Pulp Fiction, there a scene where Bruce Willis' character gets mad at his girlfriend for forgetting his dad's watch. He gets really mad. And then he calms down and apologizes because he did not make it clear to her that none of his other possessions really mattered and that the watch was the only thing that did. With regard to the OP, she did not make it clear how important it was for him to plan the trip or how uncomfortable it would make her if he did that with someone else. Perhaps she did not know it was that important at the time...and so now she has to communicate it, without the anger and bitterness, so that he understands next time that the watch is really the only important part.
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 25, 2018 Posted May 25, 2018 I didn't mean to imply that it was her fault, other than to say that miscommunication is everyone's fault. If you've seen Pulp Fiction, there a scene where Bruce Willis' character gets mad at his girlfriend for forgetting his dad's watch. He gets really mad. And then he calms down and apologizes because he did not make it clear to her that none of his other possessions really mattered and that the watch was the only thing that did. With regard to the OP, she did not make it clear how important it was for him to plan the trip or how uncomfortable it would make her if he did that with someone else. Perhaps she did not know it was that important at the time...and so now she has to communicate it, without the anger and bitterness, so that he understands next time that the watch is really the only important part. There is no misunderstanding here. He is basically having an overnight date with a young hottie while being engaged. That behaviour is just not on in a committed relationship. End of story. 3
Gaeta Posted May 25, 2018 Posted May 25, 2018 With regard to the OP, she did not make it clear how important it was for him to plan the trip I think she made it clear she brought up that trip many times and told him how excited she was to make it. or how uncomfortable it would make her if he did that with someone else. . If he were 20 or 22 I'd accept he may need to have it spelled out to him but at 32? At 32 this man doesn't know it's inappropriate to go away 'alone' in a remote area with another woman? and on top of that on the very same 'dream trip' his gf has been annoying him about for months? He's playing stupid. 3
PegNosePete Posted May 25, 2018 Posted May 25, 2018 I am going to do my best to stay calm and not get emotional or accusatory Great. But have you considered that there might be some very good grounds for accusations? I don't think anyone has picked up on this yet: he met a woman online, in a Facebook group for climbers in the city. He has started meeting up with her weekly to go climb So he is going climbing weekly, one-on-one, with a young woman he recently met in a facebook group, whom you've never met. And you're OK with that?? I think you certainly have justification to snoop on him to get to the bottom of this relationship. If you leave it until after you've had your discussion, you can bet your bottom dollar all evidence will be erased. In fact it might all be erased already since you already raised a (mild) objection. I would say it's extremely likely he's having at least an emotional if not physical affair with her, and when they are away together it will almost certainly turn physical. 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 25, 2018 Posted May 25, 2018 So he is going climbing weekly, one-on-one, with a young woman he recently met in a facebook group, whom you've never met. And you're OK with that?? Agree, this never should have been allowed to start in the first place. OP, you've said that the two of you already go climbing together a few times a week. Why in the world would he need another climbing partner, one who is not even as skilled as you are? 1
MidwestUSA Posted May 25, 2018 Posted May 25, 2018 Agree, this never should have been allowed to start in the first place. OP, you've said that the two of you already go climbing together a few times a week. Why in the world would he need another climbing partner, one who is not even as skilled as you are? For training purposes, obviously! It feeds his ego to break the virgins in. My rock offer still stands. 1
Purrrfect Posted May 25, 2018 Posted May 25, 2018 It is totally inappropriate for him to do this with another woman that would piss me off. He has no boundaries it seems. I can tell you if I was her, I would assume he is interested since normal people just don’t do this. I would tell him he needs to call this trip off. 1
lakerman34 Posted May 25, 2018 Posted May 25, 2018 I think she made it clear she brought up that trip many times and told him how excited she was to make it. If he were 20 or 22 I'd accept he may need to have it spelled out to him but at 32? At 32 this man doesn't know it's inappropriate to go away 'alone' in a remote area with another woman? and on top of that on the very same 'dream trip' his gf has been annoying him about for months? He's playing stupid. A million times, this.
lakerman34 Posted May 25, 2018 Posted May 25, 2018 Great. But have you considered that there might be some very good grounds for accusations? I don't think anyone has picked up on this yet: So he is going climbing weekly, one-on-one, with a young woman he recently met in a facebook group, whom you've never met. And you're OK with that?? I think you certainly have justification to snoop on him to get to the bottom of this relationship. If you leave it until after you've had your discussion, you can bet your bottom dollar all evidence will be erased. In fact it might all be erased already since you already raised a (mild) objection. I would say it's extremely likely he's having at least an emotional if not physical affair with her, and when they are away together it will almost certainly turn physical. THIS I don't entirely agree with. Everyone on this site is so quick to point to "affair." I don't think that's normally the case. I think he may have thoughts of POSSIBLY having an affair with this woman, but I wouldn't say that anything aside from conversations and hiking has happened YET. There just isn't any proof. That being said, have that conversation, be honest with him, feel him out. Go with your intuition. If you feel that something is fishy, listen to it, because you're probably right. Don't CONVINCE yourself that nothing is wrong when your gut says otherwise. 1
lakerman34 Posted May 25, 2018 Posted May 25, 2018 Also, my thoughts are these: would he be OK with it if you went on a trip with a good-looking 24, 25 year old man? How would he feel? Apparently, reading other posts (and not going back to OP), she isn't very skilled? OH WOW. I can almost imagine him "showing her the ropes" in hopes to "reel her in." I'd, at this point, say you're unhappy with this relationship and to call the trip off. Either that or that he isn't allowed to go on another trip with this woman UNLESS you meet her first (in a context where you are getting to know her), OR if you come along.
Gaeta Posted May 25, 2018 Posted May 25, 2018 I'd, at this point, say you're unhappy with this relationship and to call the trip off. Either that or that he isn't allowed to go on another trip with this woman UNLESS you meet her first (in a context where you are getting to know her), OR if you come along. At this point I think her bf is a lost cause. I'd let him pack and when he's ready to leave I'd tell him to not look for me when he returns. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted May 25, 2018 Posted May 25, 2018 Also, my thoughts are these: would he be OK with it if you went on a trip with a good-looking 24, 25 year old man? How would he feel? Agreed. I am sure he wouldn't like it. However, I often think that when such questions are actually posed to the "guilty" party, they claim that of course they'd be okay with their significant other doing whatever shady thing they're being called out on. They try to spin it and claim they'd just trust their partner, in an effort to gaslight and excuse their own questionable behaviour. 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 25, 2018 Posted May 25, 2018 Everyone on this site is so quick to point to "affair." I don't think that's normally the case. I don't think there's an affair. Yet. But I still think it is 100% out of line for him to expect his fiance to be ok with this. He never should have started meeting this young woman weekly, without his fiance, in the first place.
heavenonearth Posted May 26, 2018 Posted May 26, 2018 I don't think there's an affair. Yet. But I still think it is 100% out of line for him to expect his fiance to be ok with this. He never should have started meeting this young woman weekly, without his fiance, in the first place. Even if there isn’t an affair YET, who would want to be with a guy who is even thinking about an affair? Urgh. 1
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