He planned a weekend trip with another woman, that I am not invited to

[firestar]

You have every right to be upset. It looks like your fiancé isn't taking your feelings and desires into account. You have been wanting to go on this rock climbing trip together, he has ignored your desires, and is now taking a young, pretty, single girl on this very trip that you have been hoping for. It sounds like he doesn't care about how you feel and is taking you for granted. Why not plan a rock climbing trip with a young handsome single male friend who likes you? You two can go off on your own for a weekend. Let your fiance get a taste of his own medicine.

 

That said, I do agree that you should take control of your own happiness and plan rock climbing trips for yourself and friends if your fiancé doesn't want to go. Maybe ask an experienced climber friend to help plan a trip?

Edited May 24, 2018 by firestar

[Mx12345]

Healthy relationships are all about compromise. Even if he didn’t understand why this would upset you, you’re telling him it upsets you, and he’s still choosing to do it. So he likes to go outdoor climbing, and this is his chance. But if you’re telling him it upsets you that you really want to go too then what’s the issue with him waiting? Why does he HAVE to go that weekend?

 

This doesn’t sound good to me.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Even if he didn’t understand why this would upset you, you’re telling him it upsets you, and he’s still choosing to do it..

 

I hate that likes are not showing up now. But, I liked your post, and here's why.

[BluesPower]

Listen for a second... Dear, he is having at least an emotional affair with her.

 

Sorry to say, but I think you are getting played.

 

What he is doing is wrong, and he is acting like, gee golly I just don't understand why you are upset, please.

 

How long have you been engaged? More than a year?

 

I don't know if he is sleeping with her yet be he wants to, and hey, he is not married yet, please.

 

You think I am jumping to conclusions, think not. A man that loves a woman and supposedly wants to marry her, does not do these things. He does not put himself in these types of positions.

 

You need to figure what is actually going on, and please don't say that he would never do that. Yes he would.

 

You really need to wake up and understand that you are being disrespected and taken for granted.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yes, listen to BluesPower. He knows things.

 

Gaslighting is a term that's coming to mind with regard to him telling you this is no big deal and you have no right to be upset about it......

 

He's wrong. You're right.

 

Period.

[zouz71]

It is not cool. or ok !

You need to draw the lines in this relationship .

he is a very smart guy in showing it as a normal thing , you need to with him and discuss the issue calmly , the point is , does accept that you do something similar ?

 

 

if he does , and you are fine with it no problem , but he knows that you are not fine with it and proceeding !

 

 

it is a red alert.

[ExpatInItaly]

Your fiance is crossing a serious boundary and he knows this. He knows why you're upset; he isn't that stupid.

 

I would not be okay with this situation either, and I generally don't take any issue with opposite-sex friends. He is skating on thin ice with this one, and that very fact alone would have me re-evaluating things.

 

I would do as another poster suggested: tell him he's free to do what he wants, but you will have some things to think about if he proceeds with this. Advise him to choose wisely, and see if he does. If he doesn't, well, he is not the man I would marry.

[Eternal Sunshine]

This is a very clear case of gaslighting. It is just as worrying as him spending alone weekend with a single hottie.

 

He is ignoring your feelings and totally disrespecting you, regardless if he actually wants to hook up with this friend (it's very likely that he is at least attracted to her, otherwise he wouldn't be risking a fallout with you over it).

 

I would pull back majorly until this is at least discussed at length in a very honest and open manner. Otherwise, I would consider ending it.

[2much4]

I agree with other posters: he knows why you're upset, he's gaslighting you.

 

I won't go into if he's cheating or not (tbh at this point it is kind of irrelevant)

but there are two things that seem kind of obvious:

 

- he doesn't want to go on this trip with you. Him going away on the weekend you're gone is just too much of a coincidence. If he really wanted to go he would have planned this trip with you long ago. I think trying to plan everything yourself and force it onto him is a really bad idea, because even if you do end up going, it won't feel special anymore.

 

- he doesn't care about your feelings. Nobody who really cares about you will gaslight you in this way.

 

I would reevaluate this relationship.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I agree with other posters: he knows why you're upset, he's gaslighting you.

 

I won't go into if he's cheating or not (tbh at this point it is kind of irrelevant)

but there are two things that seem kind of obvious:

 

- he doesn't want to go on this trip with you. Him going away on the weekend you're gone is just too much of a coincidence. If he really wanted to go he would have planned this trip with you long ago. I think trying to plan everything yourself and force it onto him is a really bad idea, because even if you do end up going, it won't feel special anymore.

 

- he doesn't care about your feelings. Nobody who really cares about you will gaslight you in this way.

 

I would reevaluate this relationship.

 

The bolded is something that will come back to haunt you over and over again. This is not just about attraction/cheating, it points to even deeper issues.

[Lorenza]

10 years younger, cute, single... Yeah, they're certainly just friends who are going to spend a weekend climbing and talking about whatever climbers talk about. I don't buy it.

You should definitely talk to him and set boundaries.

[bathtub-row]

It’s completely inappropriate for a man who’s in a relationship to go off on a trip with another woman. End of story. He already knows this but he’ll keep acting like he’s surprised by your reaction because he’s hoping he can pull off this lie. I’m guessing if you went on a trip with another guy, he’d have a dying duck fit.

[Happy Lemming]

You are still completely missing her point.

 

Her first outdoor climb was to be WITH HIM, and it's something SPECIAL! He should be the one to plan it, as he's more experienced.

 

But instead, he's taking advantage of the fact that she's gone, and giving his time to another female.

 

I doubt she'd have a problem if he was going with a dude.

 

It's not about who plans what, it's about a SPECIAL EVENT between them that now won't have the same meaning. Even if this thing with the other chick is completely platonic, OP won't feel the same SPECIALNESSS making her first outdoor climb with him.

 

If he doesn't understand why she's upset, he needs to be hit over the head with a rock. It's about sentiment, not logistics.

 

MidwestUSA... I think you are missing my point. The original poster stated she was unable to plan a climbing trip. I was able to plan one in a couple of minutes utilizing "Google" and a "National Parks" web-site (and I know nothing about rock climbing). Because the original poster didn't like me proving her wrong, she became hostile and told me I was "wasting my time on the thread". She made this statement after only a few posts.

 

Based on that interaction, I can see why her fiancee doesn't want to do a outdoor climbing trip with her.

[Ruby Slippers]

A man that loves a woman and supposedly wants to marry her, does not do these things. He does not put himself in these types of positions.

Exactly. He's showing you where his mind and heart are, and unfortunately they're not with you. There's no way I'd marry someone who treated me like this. Seems like setting yourself up for a lot of heartache.

[Gaeta]

MidwestUSA... I think you are missing my point. The original poster stated she was unable to plan a climbing trip. I was able to plan one in a couple of minutes utilizing "Google" and a "National Parks" web-site (and I know nothing about rock climbing). Because the original poster didn't like me proving her wrong, she became hostile and told me I was "wasting my time on the thread". She made this statement after only a few posts.

 

Based on that interaction, I can see why her fiancee doesn't want to do a outdoor climbing trip with her.

 

 

This is not about climbing. The climbing trip with him is the context of the story BUT the real story here is a man going away on a trip, alone, in a remote area, with a young attractive woman. It's also a story about a woman being hurt her boyfriend doesn't make any effort to plan a weekend with her but at the moment she is leaving town he plans that very same trip for another woman.

[Happy Lemming]

This is not about climbing. The climbing trip with him is the context of the story BUT the real story here is a man going away on a trip, alone, in a remote area, with a young attractive woman. It's also a story about a woman being hurt her boyfriend doesn't make any effort to plan a weekend with her but at the moment she is leaving town he plans that very same trip for another woman.

 

My point is if she planned her own climbing trip, before his trip with the young hottie and boyfriend/fiancee wouldn't agree to a date, then the answer is clear, that he wants to be with the young hottie (and not just climb with her).

[smackie9]

I'm not sure why you date this type of guy where he has a GF and the luxury of having unlimited access to female attention from his acquaintances....attention that should be limited to your relationship only. He gets to extend that beyond your relationship and good lord you are not going to take that away from him, he won't hear of it. That should tell you, what your value is to him....not enough for a committed relationship. You have been cheated on 3 times...that tell me you keep giving these shelps the benefit of a doubt too many times. If it doesn't feel right, it's not. Listen to your gut this time.

[bathtub-row]

My point is if she planned her own climbing trip, before his trip with the young hottie and boyfriend/fiancee wouldn't agree to a date, then the answer is clear, that he wants to be with the young hottie (and not just climb with her).

 

I think it’s already crystal clear.

[BluesPower]

My point is if she planned her own climbing trip, before his trip with the young hottie and boyfriend/fiancee wouldn't agree to a date, then the answer is clear, that he wants to be with the young hottie (and not just climb with her).

 

I don't know what you put up with in a relationship, or if you are male or female.

 

The point it NOT that he or she did or did not plan a climbing trip together.

 

The point, the problem, the issue is that her F is going away, camping and climbing with a beautiful, young person of the opposite sex, and he is blowing smoke up her butt that it is somehow OK to do that in a pre-marriage relationship.

 

Most people say that is not OK under any circumstances, and they would be right.

 

If two people are in love, they put each other first. They think of the other person first, because they love them

 

They don't gaslight them into believing that "We are just friends", "Of course nothing would happen", "What you don't trust me"?

 

Of course she does not trust him, she is not a moron...

[bathtub-row]

Honestly, even if the woman he’s going on the trip with was frumpy and unattractive, it would still be wrong. It’s just not respectful to his fiancé, or appropriate.

 

Personally, I’d dump him over this. No lengthy discussion needed. Either he’s hopelessly stupid or a horrible liar - and I wouldn’t bother sticking around to figure out which of the two it is.

[Happy Lemming]

I don't know what you put up with in a relationship, or if you are male or female.

 

I'm a guy... I've told my long term girlfriend on many occasions, if a guy comes along that is better than me and has more money (as this seems to be her main focus)... Go for it. I don't care if she stays or goes.

 

At this point, I'll just post what everyone wants to hear...

 

He is either going to replace his present girlfriend/fiancee with the young hottie or this is his one last chance to "sow his wild oats" before he gets married.

Edited May 25, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lurker74]

You are not being unreasonable or overly jealous. I would be upset too and I am not in the least bit the jealous type. At the end of the day, he's turning toward someone else. The fact that the someone less is an attractive female is only an exacerbating issue...the problem is that he is turning toward someone else and not you.

 

The question is how you should respond. You clearly did not indicate how important it was so I would do that now. And I would communicate that him going overnight with attractive females that are not in your common friend group without you is not something that makes you comfortable. It is not unreasonable to not like that kind of activity.

 

But try not to get angry. Express your feelings and communicate but don't put 100% on him because unless he's already sleeping with her (and he may be), it's both of your faults.

[bathtub-row]

Just curious, lurker, how is any of this OP’s fault?

 

I disagree that just because this woman isn’t in their mutual group of friends it’s wrong. It wouldn’t matter who she was. Unless she’s a relative, it’s inappropriate.

[heavenonearth]

I feel it depends on the relationship he has with this woman. The fact they only recently met and you don’t know her sort of irks me.

 

My boyfriend is on a two week vacation right now with some friends and one of them is a woman. They have been friends for over 20 years and i met her. I am not in the slightest worried.

 

Of course I’d rather be on the trip with him but i can not go right now

 

We can’t do everything together with our partners.

 

In your case: It’s good he is open about it but i am thinking: if he wants to cheat with her does it really matter if they climb in your town in the hall; or if they climb on some trip in the outdoors while you’re with your family?

 

X

[bathtub-row]

I feel it depends on the relationship he has with this woman. The fact they only recently met and you don’t know her sort of irks me.

 

My boyfriend is on a two week vacation right now with some friends and one of them is a woman. They have been friends for over 20 years and i met her. I am not in the slightest worried.

 

Of course I’d rather be on the trip with him but i can not go right now

 

We can’t do everything together with our partners.

 

In your case: It’s good he is open about it but i am thinking: if he wants to cheat with her does it really matter if they climb in your town in the hall; or if they climb on some trip in the outdoors while you’re with your family?

 

X

 

Your bf is on trip with some friends, not alone with a woman.. That’s the difference.