Blindsided and heartbroken

[JP92]

Update: I just suffered a huge setback. Unintentionally. So of course I ran into my ex for the 2nd time since my breakup except it was a lot different this time. I'm in a great mood, just blasted my favorite tunes on the ride over to a sporting good store to buy a new shirt that'll make me happy when I spot her holding hands with another guy in the store. My heart dropped to my stomach, I feel dizzy, I had to turn around and go back to my car. That killed me. Look, I knew she'd more than likely move on eventually and find a different guy and not want to reconnect. But I never thought it'd be so soon. Everything I was told was a lie. "It's bad timing, I need rest, I can't date anyone right now, etc." And if she did move on, I didn't want to see it. She literally texted me, "I am not moving on, I am just realizing I can't date right now."

 

Huge lie.

 

Turns out it was truly ME, not her. Everyone was right. The texts sent to me were too ease her guilt and not leave me feeling like the bad guy. She had her eyes on some other guy and saw a big upgrade. To me that is the worst pain. I feel awful. It's now 100% over and I feel like some piece of garbage that got thrown away. All the nights spent together, the adventures, meeting my parents, all the "I love yous" from her and yet she moved on to another guy so fast.

 

Damn it....I was starting to do so well. The unknown gave me peace. Not knowing what she was up to, who she was with, and cutting off contact completely was a huge help in healing. Yet, a trip that was supposed to bring me joy because I love car rides and buying athletic gear left me feeling just as hurt as day 1.

 

My luck is horrible.

 

Edited June 10, 2018 by JP92

[Beachead]

Update: I just suffered a huge setback. Unintentionally. So of course I ran into my ex for the 2nd time since my breakup except it was a lot different this time. I'm in a great mood, just blasted my favorite tunes on the ride over to a sporting good store to buy a new shirt that'll make me happy when I spot her holding hands with another guy in the store. My heart dropped to my stomach, I feel dizzy, I had to turn around and go back to my car. That killed me. Look, I knew she'd more than likely move on eventually and find a different guy and not want to reconnect. But I never thought it'd be so soon. Everything I was told was a lie. "It's bad timing, I need rest, I can't date anyone right now, etc." And if she did move on, I didn't want to see it. She literally texted me, "I am not moving on, I am just realizing I can't date right now."

 

Huge lie.

 

Turns out it was truly ME, not her. Everyone was right. The texts sent to me were too ease her guilt and not leave me feeling like the bad guy. She had her eyes on some other guy and saw a big upgrade. To me that is the worst pain. I feel awful. It's now 100% over and I feel like some piece of garbage that got thrown away. All the nights spent together, the adventures, meeting my parents, all the "I love yous" from her and yet she moved on to another guy so fast.

 

Damn it....I was starting to do so well. The unknown gave me peace. Not knowing what she was up to, who she was with, and cutting off contact completely was a huge help in healing. Yet, a trip that was supposed to bring me joy because I love car rides and buying athletic gear left me feeling just as hurt as day 1.

 

My luck is horrible.

 

 

As she sh*t as it feels right now, that terrible image you can't burn out of your head is probably the best thing that could have happened to you. It will help you move forward in the very same way that hearing my ex got engaged helped me.

 

It wasn't you. It wasn't her either. It's nobody's fault. You gave your best and she was who she was. The success of a relationship depends on two people. Not just one. No point taking responsibility for the failure of the relationship when you don't have control over the other variable (Her). It simply means you have no control of the outcome. You could have been the best boyfriend ever, and you still wouldn't have control over how she'd feel tomorrow. It's just what is.

 

It's personally why I stopped dating and looking to relationships as source of my happiness. I can't be bothered investing something as fragile as my heart into that level of risk anymore.

 

For what it is worth, I could not think of anyone else who handled a situation like yours better than you. You handled it flawlessly. I hope you realize that and take the time to be proud of yourself. I aspire to exhibit that level of discipline in my own situations.

 

For the future, always remember when someone wants to end it, they spent a lot of time thinking about it while they were with you. When they unchoose you, they choose someone else, whoever and whenever it will be. All the reasons they give you, all the words, the request for friendship..forget it all. It's always about that one immutable truth. If they choose to end it, walk away and give them what they want no matter how difficult it is.

 

Don't need to deal with that crap. We're not young forever. Choose people who choose you.

 

- Beach

Edited June 10, 2018 by Beachead

[JP92]

As she sh*t as it feels right now, that terrible image you can't burn out of your head is probably the best thing that could have happened to you. It will help you move forward in the very same way that hearing my ex got engaged helped me.

 

It wasn't you. It wasn't her either. It's nobody's fault. You gave your best and she was who she was. The success of a relationship depends on two people. Not just one. No point taking responsibility for the failure of the relationship when you don't have control over the other variable (Her). It simply means you have no control of the outcome. You could have been the best boyfriend ever, and you still wouldn't have control over how she'd feel tomorrow. It's just what is.

 

It's personally why I stopped dating and looking to relationships as source of my happiness. I can't be bothered investing something as fragile as my heart into that level of risk anymore.

 

For what it is worth, I could not think of anyone else who handled a situation like yours better than you. You handled it flawlessly. I hope you realize that and take the time to be proud of yourself. I aspire to exhibit that level of discipline in my own situations.

 

For the future, always remember when someone wants to end it, they spent a lot of time thinking about it while they were with you. When they unchoose you, they choose someone else, whoever and whenever it will be. All the reasons they give you, all the words, the request for friendship..forget it all. It's always about that one immutable truth. If they choose to end it, walk away and give them what they want no matter how difficult it is.

 

Don't need to deal with that crap. We're not young forever. Choose people who choose you.

 

- Beach

 

I hope you realize the way I handled it has a lot to do with what you have told me. Your advice has been a huge help and I can't thank you enough. I was weak at the start. If you go back in the thread, you'll see I texted her 2 days after the breakup asking for closure. But after that, I've forced myself to do NC thanks to the advice here and honestly, the fear of rejection again. Imagine if I had caved and replied to her or been the one to send her a text first and she never replied. That would have stung.

 

I'm so with you on dating. Honestly, I was quite happy living the single life prior to meeting this girl. I wasn't out sleeping with girls left and right, but I just enjoyed my life setup. I worked, worked out, played sports, and did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and it was easy. She came out of left field and prior to the breakup, it was easily the most invested emotionally i've been in any relationship and a lot of it had to with how caring she was at the beginning. I felt like I trusted this girl more than anyone i've ever met and felt so confident that she was the one forever. Not only will I have trust issues if I ever date again,I feel like i'll become someone I am not in fear of being blindsided again and heartbroken. Maybe one day I can date again but that day is way in the future. She gave 150% and I thought I gave that back and it's shown me that people's actions never show how they really feel on the inside. The talks about marriage, the constant I love yous, the compliments about my mannerisms, the future planning, etc. I remember a mutual friend telling me that my ex was a nervous wreck about seeing me b/c she wanted something with me so badly. My ex even told me one time that she took an anxiety pill prior to meeting up with me because she was so nervous and wanted to be with me so badly. Not the type of girl you expect to end it so early via text message, right? Proves that no matter how strongly someone comes on and how strongly invested in you they may seem, that can change in the blink of an eye. Alarming.

 

I don't like to generalize, but man, some women can really mess up your head. The months we dated were great but I'd gladly go back in time and have us never meet because the pain i've been feeling is not worth it. Not at all.

Edited June 10, 2018 by JP92

[BelleSkye]

Probably one of the best threads / posts over Loveshack. Well written by all posters and the advice is solid gold. To the op - you are one of the few lucky ones who listened to the great advice given over this site and well, wishing you a wonderful new adventure / journey ahead from healing from this heartbreak.

 

The emotions you are going through is so real, so sincere. Excellent time for growth. I wish I had this site when I went through my first break up.

 

Wishing you all the best.

[JP92]

Probably one of the best threads / posts over Loveshack. Well written by all posters and the advice is solid gold. To the op - you are one of the few lucky ones who listened to the great advice given over this site and well, wishing you a wonderful new adventure / journey ahead from healing from this heartbreak.

 

The emotions you are going through is so real, so sincere. Excellent time for growth. I wish I had this site when I went through my first break up.

 

Wishing you all the best.

 

Thank you. I am definitely lucky for the awesome people on this site being willing to give me advice and support. As a guy, I really don't have people I can talk to about these things. My guy friends cannot stand discussing feelings and the only girl I have as a friend is also a friend with my ex so I refuse to talk to her about things. I'm still going through a lot of emotions/pain but I now know that things will get better. At first, I was convinced I'd be dead on the inside forever. I can't wait for the future.

[someguy89]

ive been there far to many times. ive done alcohol n drugs to try and numb the pain, but ultimatly it only makes things worse. i was with a girl for 3 years and she dumped me for another guy suddenly, my world fell apart. happend with my first ex aswell, i was with her for 5 years, and she dumped me for a mutual friend.

 

the first time i could have easily killed my self. it was the first break up i ever had from a serious relationship. the pain lasted 8 months.

 

the second one was more damaging though, she left me bread crumbs and i never stopped picking them up, that went on for 6 months , broke my heart over n over every week. i got one text a week and when i replied she would ghost until the next week.

 

i dont understand love, if you love someone how could you leave them. it doesnt make sence to me.

 

the only thing i ever learned from anything is to delete everything related to her. get rid of everything that she bought you or you bought her , all photos , all everything. and your cell phone is your worst enemy, waiting for that text is like waiting to be called for death row. dont shut it off, smash it into pieces. no more internet , or social media. you need to die inside and be reborn, i made a video/article of things that helped me stop the pain. if i can find it i will send it to you.

[JP92]

Ex is engaged and getting married. Yes, just two months removed from our breakup. Is it an ex or new guy? No clue. I stupidly got curious beyond belief after a nightmare and peeked at their social media to find this out. All I saw is her hand with an engagement ring and ten million heart emojis. I knew looking could only hurt me and yet I still looked. So fast. I feel devastated right now but at least I know now that there’s no choice but to fully move on and focus on my future. Can’t lie though, my self esteem has taken a hit. Fantasizing about spending the rest of my life with this woman just a couple months ago and now she’s in my past forever and planning the rest of her life with another guy. Life can really be cruel sometimes. I’ll never feel the pain I felt after the initial breakup but I feel pretty bad right now and it’s all my fault for not having more will power. So disappointed in myself for causing the pain I’m experiencing by looking at her page.

Edited July 27, 2018 by JP92

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Ex is engaged and getting married. Yes, just two months removed from our breakup. Is it an ex or new guy? No clue. I stupidly got curious beyond belief after a nightmare and peeked at their social media to find this out. All I saw is her hand with an engagement ring and ten million heart emojis. I knew looking could only hurt me and yet I still looked. So fast. I feel devastated right now but at least I know now that there’s no choice but to fully move on and focus on my future. Can’t lie though, my self esteem has taken a hit. Fantasizing about spending the rest of my life with this woman just a couple months ago and now she’s in my past forever and planning the rest of her life with another guy. Life can really be cruel sometimes. I’ll never feel the pain I felt after the initial breakup but I feel pretty bad right now and it’s all my fault for not having more will power. So disappointed in myself for causing the pain I’m experiencing by looking at her page.

 

Wow, that's tough . I'm so sorry .

[Marc878]

Now you know the reason for the breakup

[Beachead]

Ex is engaged and getting married. Yes, just two months removed from our breakup. Is it an ex or new guy? No clue. I stupidly got curious beyond belief after a nightmare and peeked at their social media to find this out. All I saw is her hand with an engagement ring and ten million heart emojis. I knew looking could only hurt me and yet I still looked. So fast. I feel devastated right now but at least I know now that there’s no choice but to fully move on and focus on my future. Can’t lie though, my self esteem has taken a hit. Fantasizing about spending the rest of my life with this woman just a couple months ago and now she’s in my past forever and planning the rest of her life with another guy. Life can really be cruel sometimes. I’ll never feel the pain I felt after the initial breakup but I feel pretty bad right now and it’s all my fault for not having more will power. So disappointed in myself for causing the pain I’m experiencing by looking at her page.

 

We talked about this but you know I get it.

 

My ex got engaged and married to her ex inside of a year of ending it with me. It shut me down for 3 weeks.

 

It's good you saw it. The shock is going to push you forward as it did me. Do the wounds heal? Yes eventually. Will the scars go away? Maybe..maybe not.

 

But whatever happens, let that pain in, cry it out, proceed with your grieving and keep moving forward. Your goal is to return to a good, healthy state of mind for yourself. But, because I know you desire that love and companionship and intimacy as many of us do, return to a healthy state of mind so that in the future you'll be ready if a potential walks into you life.

 

- Beach

[JP92]

We talked about this but you know I get it.

 

My ex got engaged and married to her ex inside of a year of ending it with me. It shut me down for 3 weeks.

 

It's good you saw it. The shock is going to push you forward as it did me. Do the wounds heal? Yes eventually. Will the scars go away? Maybe..maybe not.

 

But whatever happens, let that pain in, cry it out, proceed with your grieving and keep moving forward. Your goal is to return to a good, healthy state of mind for yourself. But, because I know you desire that love and companionship and intimacy as many of us do, return to a healthy state of mind so that in the future you'll be ready if a potential walks into you life.

 

- Beach

Your support has been awesome. Thank you again.

 

I'm planning a trip to Vegas in the middle of August. My sister and a bunch of her friends insist that I go because they know I haven't been my true self and feel the trip could cheer me up. I agree.

 

Also planning to go to a lot of football games in the fall and try to do enjoyable activities.

 

This has truly been a mind **** of an experience that still hasn't truly hit home. I remember when she was trying to let me down easy, she told me she wanted the ease of being single for awhile and wasn't in shape to date. Ready for marriage instead, I guess. All the BS about bad timing and her not moving on was stuff I clinged onto for awhile as false hope but I know those words meant nothing now which I kind of already knew deep down.

 

 

Just shows that dumpers will say whatever they can to ease their guilt and put you down as gently as possible even if they have to lie. I'd have weak moments here and there of false hope that she'd reach out in some manner and realize her "mistake". At least now I can squash that unhealthy habit and try my best to move on because this is 100% over forever. I can't shake the feeling of being used or feeling insignificant at the moment but I know i'll shake those feelings off in the future. I was nothing more than an infatuation.

Edited July 28, 2018 by JP92

[Beachead]

Your support has been awesome. Thank you again.

 

I'm planning a trip to Vegas in the middle of August. My sister and a bunch of her friends insist that I go because they know I haven't been my true self and feel the trip could cheer me up. I agree.

 

Also planning to go to a lot of football games in the fall and try to do enjoyable activities.

 

This has truly been a mind **** of an experience that still hasn't truly hit home. I remember when she was trying to let me down easy, she told me she wanted the ease of being single for awhile and wasn't in shape to date. Ready for marriage instead, I guess. All the BS about bad timing and her not moving on was stuff I clinged onto for awhile as false hope but I know those words meant nothing now which I kind of already knew deep down.

 

 

Just shows that dumpers will say whatever they can to ease their guilt and put you down as gently as possible even if they have to lie. I'd have weak moments here and there of false hope that she'd reach out in some manner and realize her "mistake". At least now I can squash that unhealthy habit and try my best to move on because this is 100% over forever. I can't shake the feeling of being used or feeling insignificant at the moment but I know i'll shake those feelings off in the future.

 

Yep, it's tough. I still remember the last words my own ex said to me.

 

"I promised him I wouldn't have contact with you. I hope you understand."

 

I remember staring at the message, thinking about all the memories we had built together and how she readily threw them away with this promise. I thought how she must have looked and what she must have thought when she made that promise to him and I thought about the two of them holding eachother and embracing after that conversation...happily ever after.

 

I felt dirty. I felt used. I felt angry at her and at myself for giving her a try. I latched onto the anger and let it take me because it was easier than feeling the sadness. Time, out-of-sight, out-of-mind and my goals eventually started detoxing me. Things got easier.

 

I can tell you that one year later, the pain isn't as intense as it was back in those first 3 months. These days, if I weighed my emotions out on a scale where 10 is crippling/paralyzing/misery, I might hit a 6-7 every now and then, but will average a 2-3 on the daily. Back then..it was a 10 everyday.

 

So even though it's taken me a year to even get those small results, I did get there. It's hard work everyday as you've discovered in your own journey. Healing is slow. Just remember that and don't punish yourself. Things are still very fresh for you..especially with all the breadcrumbs and this recent news. Now you know how 99% of dumpers operate which you will add to your JP92 book of wisdom. I expect for you to take a year to two to make a full recovery but when it's finished and you are back to form, you'll be far more refined. Version 2.0 JP92.

 

It's all experience friend. You're going to be okay.

 

- Beach

Edited July 28, 2018 by Beachead

[JP92]

My biggest fear out of this experience is that i'll be too terrified to fully invest in a relationship ever again. I know that one woman shouldn't ruin future relationships but I never want to go through anything like this ever again. I'm still healing and this was just a short relationship. Imagine if I was with someone for years and they ended it....I'd need years of therapy. I was never needy or suffering but I definitely get attached easily. When I do something in life, I go in with everything I have and exhaust all possibilities before I decide to give up. Having seen how my ex disposed of me with virtually no fight and moved on so easily is a scary feeling. I'm not wired that way. I was love bombed. I bragged to my family, my friends, and everyone I knew about how wonderful this person was and how into me they were because I'd never experienced anything remotely close. It just turned out to be an infatuation before something better came along. Crushing.

 

Also, I really don't have the energy to date. It's so much work with a great chance that it won't last and will end in pain. I feel like I'd always be looking over my shoulder waiting for my partner to go cold or find a reason to leave me out of nowhere. All in all, I feel the risk is way more than the rewards. Yes, a loving relationship with that special someone for the rest of your life would be incredible but the fact that it's very possible it'll end in devastating heartbreak has me thinking that I'm going to remain single for a long time....maybe forever.

Edited July 29, 2018 by JP92

[Beachead]

My biggest fear out of this experience is that i'll be too terrified to fully invest in a relationship ever again. I know that one woman shouldn't ruin future relationships but I never want to go through anything like this ever again. I'm still healing and this was just a short relationship. Imagine if I was with someone for years and they ended it....I'd need years of therapy. I was never needy or suffering but I definitely get attached easily. When I do something in life, I go in with everything I have and exhaust all possibilities before I decide to give up. Having seen how my ex disposed of me with virtually no fight and moved on so easily is a scary feeling. I'm not wired that way. I was love bombed. I bragged to my family, my friends, and everyone I knew about how wonderful this person was and how into me they were because I'd never experienced anything remotely close. It just turned out to be an infatuation before something better came along. Crushing.

 

Also, I really don't have the energy to date. It's so much work with a great chance that it won't last and will end in pain. I feel like I'd always be looking over my shoulder waiting for my partner to go cold or find a reason to leave me out of nowhere. All in all, I feel the risk is way more than the rewards. Yes, a loving relationship with that special someone for the rest of your life would be incredible but the fact that it's very possible it'll end in devastating heartbreak has me thinking that I'm going to remain single for a long time....maybe forever.

 

You described the way I go at my relationships and how I currently feel about them and everything in regards to relationships, love and dating. I could have just as easily wrote what you did just now.

 

Unfortunately, despite the way we both feel, being with someone will always be a risk and if we want to be with someone, we're going to have to dive in there and take on that risk. We're never going to know until we know. So naturally right now, coming from what you've just been through, thinking about subjecting yourself to such a risk is way too much of a stretch for you. Especially when your heart is in pieces and you're trying to make sense of all that's happened.

 

You'll need time to repair wounds and heal as cliche as that sounds. A year from now, I'll bet it'll seem a lot less overwhelming. A lot less of a stretch. Once a time comes where you feel alright again and you will, you'll start to miss it and there will be someone who will just make you consider wanting to take that risk again. Someone who will make you feel if you don't, you'll wonder what if?

 

I haven't had success in finding "The One" but I did nonetheless see some silver linings. For example, I was hurting after my break up in 2010. Time went on, 4 years later, someone new walked into my life and made me want to see what could happen. Suddenly I was considering a future with someone new. Never thought that would happen. When that ended with her, I thought I was done..until the next one came along, and pushed her way into my life and blew my socks off. It's just crazy how it happens. I look at the past and over and over again the evidence is there.

 

For you though, as I mentioned, it's just too far a stretch to think about all that right now but one day it won't be. Until then, time and self-investment. That's it. You focus on what you can control and hold onto it. It'll get you back up and bring you back to speed.

 

- Beach

Edited July 29, 2018 by Beachead

[ThreeRainbows]

You described the way I go at my relationships and how I currently feel about them and everything in regards to relationships, love and dating. I could have just as easily wrote what you did just now.

- Beach

 

 

 

Not diving so deep is a really great strategy for 1. Not getting so heartbroken, and 2. Having those relationships actually work.

 

 

When we go all in, our partners can get overwhelmed. It can be a subconscious thing; not necessarily anything we said or did. It is best to do many reality checks all along the way. Don't fill in the blanks about your new partner with ideal traits. Fill in the blanks with less than ideal traits.

 

 

That way, you can attach to the new person at the same speed they do. Huge for preventing a break-up.

 

 

The other benefit is, if it ends, you won't be so beat up. As soon as you see the telltale signs of a loss of interest, start the detaching process. It can spur your partner to realize they have been taking you for granted, and it can help you overcome heartbreak faster. Clinging to hope is just a mind-trick to avoid the deep pain. You know - that stabbing sensation in your chest you eventually have to face. Face it without hesitation, and you will realize heartbreak is nothing to be afraid of, and no big deal; you know how to deal with it efficiently.

[FMW]

I'm so sorry for your terrible experience. I hope you come to realize that there is someone so much better out there for you, and when you meet her you'll wonder why you were so hung up on this one.

 

Don't be afraid to get involved again. But DO learn from this experience, watch out for the red flags.

 

First, relationships that move too quickly - saying I love you early on, spending all your time together - often don't don't have staying power.

 

Second, each of you should be happy and complete alone and simply add on to the happiness by being together. Your ex telling you she felt "stable" with you was a huge red flag.

 

Third, although communication will calm down after the initial "crush" phase, it should be consistent and reliable. If someone becomes less communicative and becomes less available to see you, something is up.

 

You seem like a caring guy with a lot to give. Don't let this painful experience stop you from finding the right person.

[JP92]

I always wonder where I'd be on the healing process if I didn't find her instagram. When we dated, I never saw it once. I tried to look it up but it was under a weird UN that I never discovered until after the breakup(because of her). Her friend who rarely talk to me decided to just "randomly" send it to me and it's as if she wanted to show off how great she's doing after dumping me. I can maybe understand that kind of petty if you were the dumpee, but why show off to the person who wanted to be in your life? Just two weeks before I found out about the marriage, I was sent another breadcrump via email. She saw something funny on the internet and just had to share it with me. It's like she wanted to reach out here and there to make sure she'd stay on my mind and for me to see how great she is without me.

 

One day, I'll look back and realize that I should be blessed to not have such a self-centered person as a partner. This is far from easy because the wound feels a little reopened with the whole engagement thing but my brain knows that we wouldn't have worked out if we stayed together anyways. And if 4 months hurt me, I can't imagine if we had ended up being together for years and she bailed on me out of the blue.

[Mac0908]

You need to understand that if you dated for 4 years, odds are something this drastic would not have happened. After 4 years, even 3 or 2 years, a deep connection is there filled with love and history and the chances of an "out of nowhere" blowoff are very low. At that stage, typically things don't work out bc people grow apart and/or realize they're not compatible. I'm not saying there aren't cases of f-cked up things happening in a relationship after years, but you can't have this completely terrified mindset going forward in life with regards to dating.

 

So anyway, this girl tried reaching back out to you as recent as a little over a month ago, yet now she's engaged? Well, like I wrote to you in my very first post, I had a feeling another guy was involved. When a woman gets as close as she got to you just like my "ex" got to me and then they SUDDENLY bail, 9 times out of 10 IMO it's bc of another guy. That's my honest opinion just from seeing and experiencing things. She liked you, yes, and you had an amazing time together, so the hard question at that point is WHY did she bail? There's only one logical reason - there was a 'better' option for her. If someone as weird as her could pull it off without hurting anyone, she'd probably date you both. Hell, my ex tried pulling that with me initially a bit too before I shut it down instantly.

 

This entire case was very similar to mine from the start but there was never an ex. Now there is, and it's eerily similar. Bottom line here is just like in my case, you're a good guy who did absolutely NOTHING wrong. There was some sort of serious ex in the background and you were a glorified rebound. She's a piece of work and you already know that. I understand how you would feel used right now. In the first month or two i'd legit have nightmares and wake up in hot sweats seeing the image of our pic posted on Instagram and it hit me how I was nothing more than a prop really. It's a sick feeling, but you NEED to know that this person is in fact the one who's sick to do what she did to you. You "backtracked" in your healing, yes, but at the same time I think this needed to happen. My own personal estimation is it will take you close to a full year to fully heal, but that doesn't mean you can't get on the right track quick and become much better much sooner than later. Stick around here, you have people that care. I'm one of them.

[JP92]

Thanks, Mac.

 

Going full no contact is helping. Every platform where communication with me is possible by anyone besides a contact/friend is now shut off. Not that she'd ever try to reach out to me since she's engaged, but it makes me feel better that I won't have to see the photos or she won't be able to rub it in my face in some kind of sick way. It has to be her ex. It makes sense now because she brought him up a good bit in a negative manner, but the fact that she was bringing him up at all should have been a red flag. When things are hot and heavy, you just don't read deeply into things. In hindsight, I would have called her out on mentioning him so frequently and never gotten deeply invested emotionally. But I'm a total rookie when it comes to relationships and have a bad habit of blindly trusting people.

 

Anyone that uses another human being as a rebound is the scum of the earth. They deserve all the bad karma that comes their way and it's a shame we don't get to watch it and laugh. People deserve better. The rebound goes into giving their full heart and being the best partner they can possibly be while the other person is just stringing them along and hoping their ex is watching so they can dump the rebound the second the ex gets jealous and wants to reconnect. So messed up. At least I know now to never fully dive into a relationship without a lot of time.

[tinmansparky]

I want to mention that think of this on the other side of the coin. If she got back with her ex and is engaged. That would be that they could have reconciled. How many threads do you see here that talk about a dumpee wanting their ex back even when they get in a relationship? I know I am one of those that started a thread deciding if I should get my ex back. So really we could say we saw a cause of a potential rebound (if it truly is her ex she got back with) that was hurt by being dumped where the dumper went back to their ex. Most of the time we don't get to hear the rebound's story. This situation we might have an account of one now.

[Beachead]

Took me years to change a some undesirable qualities in myself to something that I aspired to be. I had to first become aware of them and I had to want to change but that was only 50% of the equation. The other 50% was putting a conscious strategic day in-day out effort of changing it and it wasn't easy. When you've been a certain way you're whole life, it is deeply rooted into your behaviour and you have to go back inside and rewire it. I must have reverted back to my old ways a 1000 times over a good 6 or 7 years before it actually became a natural way of living for me.

 

It's not enough to know what the problems are and want to change them..work is required. What kind of work did she put into herself while she was distracting herself with you?

 

Your ex avoids dealing with problems and she's impulsive. Just a few week ago she was making attempts to reach out and now she's blissfully happy over her engagement. She jumps from ex-boyfriend to you back to ex-boyfriend. Maybe there was someone else as well, who knows. But whatever it is, she uses men to soothe her insecurities and fears because she's frightened to be alone.

 

Marriage won't fix who she is. Once the Wedding is done, all there will be for is redundancy, complacency and all those old problems they both had that broke them up the first time and she won't have any idea on how to fix it because she's fundamentally the same person she was back then. When that day comes, goodluck to them.

 

That's karma

 

So work on yourself, get better. Travel, engage in your hobbies, meet new people. Use it all as practice and experience and welcome every failure into your life as opportunity to keep learning. Just become the kind of guy people that inspire people. 5 years from now, be in a position when you look back at this time..you are proud to say you made the most of it.

 

- Beach

Edited August 2, 2018 by Beachead

[JP92]

I definitely think this experience will make me a stronger person. I had never really thought about the the possibility of being dumped when I entered this relationship. I was convinced things were everlasting and that comes from a lack of experience in dating. I had flings that meant little to me and my partners in college that were more inline with a FWB relationship than anything. I had never actually pursued a serious relationship with someone and this was my first true attempt at one.

 

She was much more experienced than me. She had a couple of long relationships and one failed marriage. She knew going in what she wanted in a relationship and probably knew in the back of her head that she didn't plan on going the distance with me. I was totally oblivious to all of this because we aren't mind readers. I'll never go into a relationship with the idea that I know it'll end. I'll now be aware that it's very possible but I believe it's pointless to date someone that you know for sure won't be with you forever. No point in wasting each other's time and it's selfish because someone will develop strong feelings.

 

I hope this thread is good reading material for a lot of people that suffer a total blindside or heartbreak. I was soooo convinced in the back of my mind that she'd come back to me because I was such a "good guy" and all her exes were so awful. In the end, that just doesn't matter. You can be the nicest guy in the world and if a girl doesn't have strong feelings for you, it's irrelevant. If she's capable of dumping you, she doesn't care nearly enough. I misread a lot of red flags early on this relationship and late in the relationship, but that stuff is easy to miss when things are moving so fast and you're enjoying the relationship.

 

The constant ex bashing should have been a red flag. I mean, this happened on our FIRST date. I'd bring up casual things like a dream from the night before and she'd comment, "My ex always thought dreams were so stupid and pointless. I'm glad you aren't that way." Easy small talk would get turned into an attempt to bash the ex. I thought it just meant that he was a huge POS and I was being complimented but the fact that he was being brought up so frequently should have been a huge red flag. Of course a girl might share the negative things about a ex, but if they're comparing the negatives, just imagine what else they're comparing inside their head.

 

I think the most insulting part at the end of the BU was in the breakup text when she said I was by FAR the best guy she had ever dated. I lasted 4 months, ex before me lasted 2-3 years(maybe longer), and ex before him lasted 5 years. So, I'm by FAR the best guy you ever dated but you dumped me without hesitation way before you ended it with your other partners. Got it. Makes perfect sense.

 

Part of me wishes I could go back in time and initiate immediate NC or tell her off, but it's so easy to have 20-20 hindsight. At the time, I was a depressed mess and totally blindsided. Emotions were running high and i'll never blame myself for initially staying in contact the first couple of days. I mean, she handled things horribly. To butter me up the night before, butter me up that morning, and then hours later send that essay when I'm at work and an hour away from seeing her.....that's cruel. The reasons I were given were obviously BS. Blaming my dog, blaming my sleep schedule, etc. I took a lot of it to heart, but that was another lesson learned. Most of the time, you'll never know the true reason. They'll put you down easy to make themselves feel better and avoid potential drama. The reason she didn't talk to me about the "issues" is she probably knew i'd have solutions for them and the last thing she wanted was for me to find a way to work things out. I don't hold resentment and I'm always willing to adjust for people if something is off as long as it doesn't involve me changing who I am. She knew this and knew she just wanted out on her own terms. I get that now. I remember when she asked me if she had wished we never met or dated....I wish I would have replied yes and never talked to her ever again.

 

 

 

This'll be a valuable learning experience for me and I hope many others learn from this thread because I received tremendous advice from many posters.

Edited August 4, 2018 by JP92

[Beachead]

I definitely think this experience will make me a stronger person. I had never really thought about the the possibility of being dumped when I entered this relationship. I was convinced things were everlasting and that comes from a lack of experience in dating. I had flings that meant little to me and my partners in college that were more inline with a FWB relationship than anything. I had never actually pursued a serious relationship with someone and this was my first true attempt at one.

 

{snip}

 

It will make you better but, that will be up to you. Whether you let yourself crumble and fall or get back up and build yourself into a powerhouse will be completely dependant on how focused and disciplined you are. Let this sh*t be the reason why you succeed. Let all that pain people caused you be your fuel to drive you to an amazing place 3 to 4 years from now where you have an amazing job that you love, maybe your own business, maybe a great group of friends, maybe a new partner who's far closer to what you want (Don't make that a priority though. Don't do it to meet miss right. It can't be about anyone else or for anyone else. It has to be for you.) Visualize that in your mind.

 

We talked about writing many times. Write those plans out everyday. Talk to yourself about it. Pretend you've already made it and your telling everyone how you got to that point. Make that picture so vivid and specific that you can't unsee it ever again and believe in it. Sounds nuts but it'll change your thinking.

 

If you start the work on Day 0, one step each day is going to lead you to it in the future and if not, very close to it and you'll be thankful you started your journey today.

 

- Beach

Edited August 8, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Marc878]

You thought it was great and wonderful. It wasn't. Learn from this and keep your eyes wider open next time.

 

If they dish on an X they'll do the same to you.

 

You don't need this drama queen she's was just a want.

 

There are better out there. You'll find that out soon enough.

 

Go as dark as night on this one and block everything

[Mac0908]

I was soooo convinced in the back of my mind that she'd come back to me because I was such a "good guy" and all her exes were so awful. In the end, that just doesn't matter. You can be the nicest guy in the world and if a girl doesn't have strong feelings for you, it's irrelevant. If she's capable of dumping you, she doesn't care nearly enough. I misread a lot of red flags early on this relationship and late in the relationship, but that stuff is easy to miss when things are moving so fast and you're enjoying the relationship.

 

I know you probably don't want to relive this anymore, although it does seem you're very much in that phase where you'll talk about it as much as you can to express your emotions and anger, but, this is my question... You say in the back of your mind you thought she'd come back to you, yet, this entire thread is notes about how she DID try reaching back out. Sure she didn't come right out and say "JP I want you back right this second omg what a mistake I made", but multiple times she tried contacting you. Who knows what kind of convo it really could have lead to I guess, although I still firmly stand by my thoughts that she's probably no good no matter what. But I'm confused as to your mindset looking back at all this in retrospect.