Blindsided and heartbroken

[JP92]

I am this close to blocking her # to truly start the healing process. She decided to leave me 1 more cliff hanger and message me that "I am not moving on, I am just unfit to date anyone now or anyone soon until I figure out my own life."

 

The weak me would love to stay friends in hopes of one day reconnecting me, but the part of my brain with sense knows that this will prolong the healing process and potentially leave me even more hurt in the future. I know what I have to do....I won't be weak again. I replied with, "Good luck with that, goodbye."

 

And deleted her number.

[Beachead]

I am this close to blocking her # to truly start the healing process. She decided to leave me 1 more cliff hanger and message me that "I am not moving on, I am just unfit to date anyone now or anyone soon until I figure out my own life."

 

The weak me would love to stay friends in hopes of one day reconnecting me, but the part of my brain with sense knows that this will prolong the healing process and potentially leave me even more hurt in the future. I know what I have to do....I won't be weak again. I replied with, "Good luck with that, goodbye."

 

And deleted her number.

 

She wants to be on good terms just incase she comes to and that's great for her but the fact is it doesn't do much for you except keep you stuck. She made her decision and she's doing what's best for her so now you have to do what's best for you and what's best for you given she broke your heart is to not communicate with her because she is the source of your pain now.

 

Just keep away and begin the healing process because you won't be good for anyone if you're a broken mess. Not for you family, friends or new relationship prospects and especially not for yourself. Your job will suffer along with everything else in your life with her around. So the objective now is to get your head right. Do what you need to do to make that happen.

 

- Beach

[winny]

Is it normal to not be able to eat at all? I'm someone that has experimented with many diets such as the keto and always fought intense cravings just a day into the diet. I couldn't cope most days if I didn't eat food by 5 PM. However, after my breakup, I can't eat a thing. I've had some yogurt, I forced myself to have a tiny, tiny plate of scrambled eggs and that's it. Just water and green tea. It's now day 4 and I still can't eat. I'm trying. As I try to bite the food my stomach gives me a signal that it's going to immediately throw it up. I'm a little worried this'll lead to health problems down the road. I've never gone so long without an appetite. I checked the scale and I am already down from 169 to 164. I'm sure a lot of that is just water weight.

 

I'm hoping I can eventually muster up the energy to shoot for big time workout goals to fill the void and get out of the house as much as possible so I can give myself some self happiness. Right now, the ability to chase these goals seems so far away.

 

Yes it is perfectly normal. Once the initial shock goes away appetite will improve. Till then force feed yourself whatever little you can. This is my second week post break up and I am now able to eat 3 meals. I am also forcing myself to sleep at 10 and wake up at 6. I am still struggling to go out of my home though. I ordered groceries online. I am also watching and reading lot of inspirational, motivational and positive stuff. Stories of overcoming struggle and dark periods of life. You need to rebuild your emotional strength. Moving on sucks and its hard.

Great you have now deleted her number and committed to stop further communication. That is a BIG step.

[Mac0908]

I am this close to blocking her # to truly start the healing process. She decided to leave me 1 more cliff hanger and message me that "I am not moving on, I am just unfit to date anyone now or anyone soon until I figure out my own life."

 

The weak me would love to stay friends in hopes of one day reconnecting me, but the part of my brain with sense knows that this will prolong the healing process and potentially leave me even more hurt in the future. I know what I have to do....I won't be weak again. I replied with, "Good luck with that, goodbye."

 

Wow. This is just eerily similar to what went down with me. The desperation to keep you on the back burner. The push/pull. The guilt clearly showing through. Truth is though this is just more stuff out of Breakups 101. Happens to most. When I told my ex I accepted that she was done and she responded with "I'd still like to go to the museum with you sometime" (My Christmas gift to her was two tickets) I sadly responded with "Yeah, me too". You didn't give in and you even gave her a bit of an attitude, so props to you. Although my personal choice would have just been to ignore, I'm ok with what you wrote back.

 

Ultimately you're already WAY ahead of the game. I gotta say, the advice you've gotten in this thread thus far is very valuable and has given you way more of a head start than I ever got. I wish you well in your recovery and I sense that you will be fine, likely sooner than later.

 

As far as the eating goes, welcome to my world. I think I skipped a meal a day on and off for the first two weeks, and overall ate like sh-t. It gets better though. But you have to push yourself and be proactive.

Edited May 22, 2018 by Mac0908

[Beachead]

And OP, just to put some perspective in for you.

 

When me and my ex ended, I had such a terrible time coping and accepting things. I must have checked my phone 20 times a day. I went out with friends to try and take my mind off of it but it help. Work did not help either. She was on my mind 24/7. I didn't sleep well and often woke up in the middle of the night feeling pain in my chest. Felt like my chest was heavy all the time matter of fact. It went on for a long time.

 

Reading the stories on here of how people were feeling better after the devastation they went throug just seemed so out of reach for me at the time.

 

But, time went on and I checked my phone less and less. The number of bad days I had lessened. I started to eat again. I started to smile again. I started to feel strong enough to get out of the house which eventually led to me returning to the gym, returning to school etc.

 

The progress is slow. Sometimes you'll feel like you're not getting better. As if you've plateaued and you'll feel like crap forever. But it won't be like that. Nature will push you onward and with it you'll force yourself to carry on.

 

Let yourself feel that pain but don't give up on yourself.

 

As Mac0908 said, you're ahead of the game already. Stay strong

Edited May 23, 2018 by Beachead

[JP92]

i'm starting to have random moments of happiness. The past couple of days, happiness didn't exist. Lost myself in some music last night at a club and it was the first time i felt a release. I, of course, went home and felt sad while trying to sleep afterwards but it's nice to feel like i'm slowly escaping this pain. Today when i was feeling really down, i turned on some of my favorite songs and felt good/happy. These feelings might just be temporary, but i'm glad to feel anything besides sadness after these first couple of days of complete hell.

Edited May 25, 2018 by JP92

[Beachead]

i'm starting to have random moments of happiness. The past couple of days, happiness didn't exist. Lost myself in some music last night at a club and it was the first time i felt a release. I, of course, went home and felt sad while trying to sleep afterwards but it's nice to feel like i'm slowly escaping this pain. Today when i was feeling really down, i turned on some of my favorite songs and felt good/happy. These feelings might just be temporary, but i'm glad to feel anything besides sadness after these first couple of days of complete hell.

 

You're quite aware of yourself and that's a great way to look at it.

 

Also, this shows you're capable of of happy moments without this woman and that means you're capable of being happy without her as well. Time is all that's needed.

 

- Beach

[JP92]

We hadn't talked since last Monday. I just got a text from her friend's number saying it's her and asking how I am. I blocked her original number. Do I even bother responding or continue NC? She must have tried texting me on her other number and figured out I blocked her.

[fredflint]

Thank for your reply and I am sorry you experienced something similar to me. I guess I am experiencing all stages of grief all at once because I do feel kind of angry now. She always would talk about marriage, kids, vacations, or just things in the future to make me feel certain she was in for the long run. I thought we had a strong love. We did everything together and she always told me I was great at dating. To just a week ago to be told and to think everything is perfect to being single a week later is just so cruel. Literally the night before, the last thing we discussed before going to sleep was planning summer vacations.

 

I wish there were signs or I wish I'd find out the real reason. I know it'd hurt but it'd give me closure. I think if you truly love someone, you find a way to make it work and I was always willing to do anything for the relationship. If she needed space, time, or needed me to modify my schedule, I would have done so in a second. I feel so confused and I do kind of find her selfish to able to lead me on so hard and try to get so serious with him only to pull the plug in a second via text message. I would like 1 last face to face meeting for closure. I want her to have to show some courage and stop hiding behind her phone, but I know dropping it is probably best. She's convinced she wasn't selfish and never wanted to hurt me but I don't get how she can say that. She even says that one day she'd like to have a relationship again but made a strong indication that it wouldn't be with me.

 

I've wrote so much and I'll leave my last thought. If I was such a great guy and what we had was true love then why did she put up such a weak fight to stay together? I'll never understand it. I've always believed that if you truly love someone you will find a way. I wish I could know the real reason.....getting over a breakup is 1000x harder than I could ever imagine and the manner in that happened has me just as shocked as I am sad.

 

The thing is, in the early stages of a relationship, many people have doubts. And not many people have the courage or communication skills to air those doubts transparently and honestly. She must have had doubts about you being right for her. And she couldn't get past them.

 

Now, when someone has doubts they are often not as committed as they appear. They might talk about building a life together with genuine interest but really they are trying to weigh up their own feelings as well. They are trying to figure out whether to stay in the relationship or not. And often they hide those doubts quite well. I've dated women who've blindsided me similarly too.

 

I don't buy any of what she has told you as a genuine reason for the breakup. The fact that she's given you a long list of reasons is suspicious to me. Usually there is one or two main reasons at most. She's given you a bunch of excuses. Often in breakups I believe the real reasons are left unspoken, again because people don't have the courage or communication skills to air them transparently and honestly. You might never get a genuine reason out of her and it will do you no good to try to force one, so don't do that. In the end it doesn't really matter why anyway. She didn't feel like she was a match for you. Better you know now than later, esp. before getting her pregnant or married to you.

 

It's horrible to get blindsided by this but the upside is that you will be more alert to this possibility in future relationships. You will recover from this over time and you will once again find someone wonderful to replace her. Its tough now, but you should block her number to avoid getting sucked back in, and focus on yourself (hobbies, exercise, friends) etc. while you recover emotionally. Do block her number because if she sucks you back in, it will be nothing but more pain for you. She is not right for you, she could have handled it better, but ultimately she's done you a favor by letting you go.

Edited May 28, 2018 by fredflint

[Mac0908]

We hadn't talked since last Monday. I just got a text from her friend's number saying it's her and asking how I am. I blocked her original number. Do I even bother responding or continue NC? She must have tried texting me on her other number and figured out I blocked her.

 

Wow, texting her from her friends phone? How old is this chick?

 

First of all kudos to the blocking. That takes some balls and shows you REALLY are prepared to move on. Even I had the small little bit of hope in the beginning.

 

At this point its on you. If you think for a second you may want a rekindle, (in which now you would have a guard up comfortably like never before to protect yourself from any pain ever happening to you again) RESPOND saying this:

 

"Hey nice to hear from you. Like I told you I'm not interested in friendship but if you'd ever like to get together for a date let me know. Would love to see you again sometime. Thanks."

 

And, if she ever complies, it should be noted that she only gets ONE more chance. Not 2, 3 or more. ONE.

 

If not, simply ignore.

Edited May 28, 2018 by Mac0908

[ExpatInItaly]

"Hey nice to hear from you. Like I told you I'm not interested in friendship but if you'd ever like to get together for a date let me know. Would love to see you again sometime. Thanks."

 

I agree; that's the only type of message I would send in your position, OP.

[Marc878]

We hadn't talked since last Monday. I just got a text from her friend's number saying it's her and asking how I am. I blocked her original number. Do I even bother responding or continue NC? She must have tried texting me on her other number and figured out I blocked her.

 

Block her friends number as well.

 

You don't need this drama in your life.

 

You'll be fine and actually stronger after this.

 

She's a want not a need.

[Beachead]

We hadn't talked since last Monday. I just got a text from her friend's number saying it's her and asking how I am. I blocked her original number. Do I even bother responding or continue NC? She must have tried texting me on her other number and figured out I blocked her.

 

..and there it is.

 

I'll tell you right now, nothing on her mind has changed. This is simply guilt.

 

She spent all that time in the relationship coming to a conclusion that she didn't want to be with you so why check up on you? It screws with your head. Does she plan to check up on you for the rest of her life? No. It's going to end at some point. Again, if she's not with you, she'll end up with someone else and that's all that you need to know.

 

Because of that, I personally wouldn't respond. Silence will talk. Let her come to realize that you've stopped talking to her because of her decision. Let that rot in her mind.

 

However, I realize it's not easy to ignore. You may wonder if what if? I still know this girl won't budge and it's pointless to respond, but if you feel this is the case, then I recommend taking Mac0908's advice and respond the way he advised. It's straight to the point in every angle.

 

- Beach

Edited May 28, 2018 by Beachead

[Mac0908]

Great advice Beach, as this is likely this case. But to cut through her BS and find out, my text is the way to go. 95% chance it's guilt though IMO. That means there's a 1 in 20 chance she really and TRULY wants him back. Not good odds. Girls who know they have a good thing and are happy with the guy don't pull the BS she pulled. It's just that simple, unfortunately. She's a piece of work. Validation achieved.

 

The beautiful thing though is that if he wants to go forward he does so with his heart chain protected and BOTH feet out the door, dating other women at the same time. She through him in the trash, now she can get treated the same. You're a winner either way though, IMO.

Edited May 28, 2018 by Mac0908

[Beachead]

Great advice Beach, as this is likely this case. But to cut through her BS and find out, my text is the way to go. 95% chance it's guilt though IMO. That means there's a 1 in 20 chance she really and TRULY wants him back. Not good odds. Girls who know they have a good thing and are happy with the guy don't pull the BS she pulled. It's just that simple, unfortunately. She's a piece of work. Validation achieved.

 

The beautiful thing though is that if he wants to go forward he does so with his heart chain protected and BOTH feet out the door, dating other women at the same time. She through him in the trash, now she can get treated the same. You're a winner either way though, IMO.

 

It does cover all bases. Well said.

[JP92]

Thanks guys. She sent a 2nd message that she feels "unsafe" at her place and misses how safe she felt while I was at her place. I still haven't replied to either message and don't plan on it to be honest.

 

I think any reply would give her satisfaction and from what I learned about her while dating, she's someone that doesn't change her mind. She'll have to hunt me down in person if she wishes to speak to me which would be pretty pathetic.

 

She hasn't been easy to get over but i've made a lot of progress in just 1 week and don't want to turn back only to get my heart broken again. That feeling is the worst. Once is enough.

 

The way I was blindsided would leave me paranoid that she'd end it at any moment if we ever had a 2nd run at it. I would have serious trust issues that'd make it too difficult to work tbh. She'd have to really, really want to get back together again and prove it to me for there to ever be a 2nd chance and I know that's not going to happen.

 

Trust me, this is taking a lot of willpower but my pride is starting to take over and I know I have to be strong. It's so tempting to reply but I am not in the shock stage I was the first couple of days and have a lot more control of my emotions right now. It still hurts, no doubt, but I feel much more controlled. You all have been a great help.

Edited May 29, 2018 by JP92

[Beachead]

Thanks guys. She sent a 2nd message that she feels "unsafe" at her place and misses how safe she felt while I was at her place. I still haven't replied to either message and don't plan on it to be honest.

I think any reply would give her satisfaction and from what I learned about her while dating, she's someone that doesn't change her mind. She'll have to hunt me down in person if she wishes to speak to me which would be pretty pathetic.

 

She hasn't been easy to get over but i've made a lot of progress in just 1 week and don't want to turn back only to get my heart broken again. That feeling is the worst. Once is enough.

 

The way I was blindsided would leave me paranoid that she'd end it at any moment if we ever had a 2nd run at it. I would have serious trust issues that'd make it too difficult to work tbh. She'd have to really, really want to get back together again and prove it to me for there to ever be a 2nd chance and I know that's not going to happen.

 

Trust me, this is taking a lot of willpower but my pride is starting to take over and I know I have to be strong. It's so tempting to reply but I am not in the shock stage I was the first couple of days and have a lot more control of my emotions right now. It still hurts, no doubt, but I feel much more controlled. You all have been a great help.

 

I love how she drops that in there but mentions nothing about getting back together. That's why they call it breadcrumbs. It's a lead on. Bait. It's another version of "I miss you" or "I had a dream about you" etc. In the moment weakness that goes away eventuallly.

 

Don't mistake it for love or feelings or her seeing the "light." Nothing's changed on her end. That decision to end it with you didn't come overnight. She thought about it for weeks, maybe even months. It was an informed and well thought out decision. What's happening now is the separation anxiety is kicking in and with it, restlessness and curiousity. She hasn't heard from you in a few days and she's starting to feel that loss of power she had as well. She wants it back and she wants you to soothe it all by responding to her. As soon as she gets that, she'll pull away.

 

The dumpers who do this put their own unique spin on the words but the formula is always the same. It's a miserable transitional process. Be proud of yourself for being self-aware and having the thought process and discipline to execute this.

 

Like you said, if she wants you back, she'll need to do 100X better than that.

 

In the meantime, don't get used to the satisfaction of it. These messages from her will stop and then there will be quiet which may trigger your seperation anxiety. Remind yourself that NC is is to heal you. Not a manipulation tactic. Remind yourself that she ended it and that your goal now is to get your head right and become you again. The you that was doing well before now with all that added wisdom and experience you have now gained from this.

 

Lastly, while you're feeling strong, I would consider writing a quick journal on Word about what she did and how you feel about it right now. Because you are coming from a place of strength at the moment, it'll be a good passage for you to read when you go through the tough days which will come.

 

Stay strong

 

- Beach

Edited May 29, 2018 by Beachead

[ExpatInItaly]

Ugh, this woman is incredibly self-centred.

[Beachead]

Ugh, this woman is incredibly self-centred.

 

She is.

 

So I truly hope OP remains strong and keeps his eye on tomorrow.

Edited May 29, 2018 by Beachead

[JP92]

New email from her wanting to "meet me for coffee". So these last two days she's been obsessing over having contact with me. I'll continue to take the advice here but it certainly seems like she was bothered by the fact that I just stopped communication. I'm not trying to say I am some prize catch by any means but a lot of people don't know what they had until it's gone....I thought I was as good of a BF as I possibly could be and that's why the blindside hurt so bad. Maybe she's realizing that now, maybe this is all for an ego boost and to ease her guilt, but I'm going to continue to stay strong and be silent because the fear of being further hurt outweighs the hope of a reconnection right now.

Edited May 29, 2018 by JP92

[Mac0908]

Wow. Just wow. This is great stuff bc I am living vicariously through you at this moment, wishing I did exactly what you're doing all those months ago when I basically experienced the same blindsided cold hearted blowoff you did. Unfortunately I didn't get the top notch advice as quick as you did and I gave in, keeping in contact like a sucker when she initially returned AND going beta while doing so. So let me tell you man, props to you, big props. This girl needs to learn her lesson and do soul searching. Like you, I felt I did as good as I possibly could have in the short period of time and got my heart sh-t on. If you're truly staying NC which is the best option, then , I'd like to see you respond to her email only letting her know just how awful what she did was, just so it could sink into her head more, then go complete NC after that.

 

Perhaps something like "We had an amazing thing going and I treated you like gold for months. You then unconscionably blindsided me like I never imagined possible. I don't understand how it's even possible for someone to do what you did. I feel like you have some soul searching to do. I'm sorry but I have no interest in seeing you ever again. I wish you the best."

 

Again, 95% of the time if not more, nobody dumps someone they truly are in love with. It just doesn’t happen. She’s a mess. Move on.

Edited May 29, 2018 by Mac0908

[Beachead]

New email from her wanting to "meet me for coffee". So these last two days she's been obsessing over having contact with me. I'll continue to take the advice here but it certainly seems like she was bothered by the fact that I just stopped communication. I'm not trying to say I am some prize catch by any means but a lot of people don't know what they had until it's gone....I thought I was as good of a BF as I possibly could be and that's why the blindside hurt so bad. Maybe she's realizing that now, maybe this is all for an ego boost and to ease her guilt, but I'm going to continue to stay strong and be silent because the fear of being further hurt outweighs the hope of a reconnection right now.

 

Good.

 

The only reason why I'm so skeptical about her is I know decisions to end relationships don't happen overnight. Dumpers think about it for a long time and weigh out the pros and the cons. They evaluate. They analyze. They compare you to the options out there. They may even talk to their friends about it. By the time they decide, they've thought it throug thoroughly.

 

So whatever it was that led her to wanting to end it with you is still there.

 

But then you blocked her and walked away and she thought you'd kick up more of a fuss. Prides wounded. She feels invalidated. She's wondering if she even meant something to you? She's curious. She's upset. All part of her anxiety which she is trying to soothe by baiting you into interacting with her.

 

If you give in and respond, she may hook up with you, she may even attempt to get back together with you..but, those fundamental reasons she came up with in her head the first time that led her to end it will just resurface and she'll leave again.

 

You gave her your time. You were a good boyfriend. She didn't want it. You're not under any obligation to do anything for her. If she's got something to say, she can drop her pride and say it.

 

- Beach

[Mac0908]

^^^^^^

 

Perfectly said

 

She had a good thing and didn’t want it.

[JP92]

Wow. Just wow. This is great stuff bc I am living vicariously through you at this moment, wishing I did exactly what you're doing all those months ago when I basically experienced the same blindsided cold hearted blowoff you did. Unfortunately I didn't get the top notch advice as quick as you did and I gave in, keeping in contact like a sucker when she initially returned AND going beta while doing so. So let me tell you man, props to you, big props. This girl needs to learn her lesson and do soul searching. Like you, I felt I did as good as I possibly could have in the short period of time and got my heart sh-t on. If you're truly staying NC which is the best option, then , I'd like to see you respond to her email only letting her know just how awful what she did was, just so it could sink into her head more, then go complete NC after that.

 

Perhaps something like "We had an amazing thing going and I treated you like gold for months. You then unconscionably blindsided me like I never imagined possible. I don't understand how it's even possible for someone to do what you did. I feel like you have some soul searching to do. I'm sorry but I have no interest in seeing you ever again. I wish you the best."

 

Again, 95% of the time if not more, nobody dumps someone they truly are in love with. It just doesn’t happen. She’s a mess. Move on.

 

Trust me, this isn't easy for me. I've been fighting off the mental demons that are urging for me to reply but I feel like I know this woman very well after dating. She's not the type of person to make a big decision and go back against it. I'm confident I learned that about her. She'd always rave about her life decisions being calculated and well thought out. She was a never a in the heat of a moment type person. So as much as it pains me, her dumping me was probably something she thought about in her head for a while and unfortunately she only let me be aware of it the second she pulled the plug. She would text me A LOT every day and we spent a ton of time together. There'd be times where I put my phone down for 30 minutes and would comeback to 6-7 paragraph texts. That also ties in with why the breakup was so shocking. She pursued me and sometimes acted obsessive, which I was okay with because I just liked the fact that she really enjoyed me.

 

I bet she feels really lonely and all of her GFs have husbands and some have kids so they're just not nearly as available for texting and hanging out like me. Her go to person to vent to or talk about her day isn't available anymore and that void is killing her. I'm trying to rationalize things as much as possible because if she truly wanted me back as her BF, one of her messages would have said so and I just think she's a little lost without her #1 contact available anymore. We could have been great friends and when we first met, I thought we'd just be friends. But she pursued me hard and pushed the relationship which I of course ended up loving before the heartbreak. To me, it's nearly impossible to go from a serious relationship to friends, especially after the gut-wrenching way she ended it.

Edited May 29, 2018 by JP92

[JP92]

Good.

 

The only reason why I'm so skeptical about her is I know decisions to end relationships don't happen overnight. Dumpers think about it for a long time and weigh out the pros and the cons. They evaluate. They analyze. They compare you to the options out there. They may even talk to their friends about it. By the time they decide, they've thought it throug thoroughly.

 

So whatever it was that led her to wanting to end it with you is still there.

 

But then you blocked her and walked away and she thought you'd kick up more of a fuss. Prides wounded. She feels invalidated. She's wondering if she even meant something to you? She's curious. She's upset. All part of her anxiety which she is trying to soothe by baiting you into interacting with her.

 

If you give in and respond, she may hook up with you, she may even attempt to get back together with you..but, those fundamental reasons she came up with in her head the first time that led her to end it will just resurface and she'll leave again.

 

You gave her your time. You were a good boyfriend. She didn't want it. You're not under any obligation to do anything for her. If she's got something to say, she can drop her pride and say it.

 

- Beach

 

Spot on. There was probably a hidden warning sign there for me before the breakup. The last couple of days before we parted, she spent A LOT of time with her friends. She is very close with them so I thought it was just normal catching up with girls, but I bet a lot of those hours were spent talking about me. Kind of painful to think that someone would spend hours discussing your worth with other people and then come to the conclusion that you aren't worth it. A lot of her GF's have husbands older than me that are further in their careers and maybe being around them was a constant reminder of that too. Either way, you are spot on that isn't an over the night decision. It was a well calculated decision that she thought about for a while and discussed with her friends.

Edited May 29, 2018 by JP92