Blindsided and heartbroken

[JP92]

I just had a moment of weakness that'll probably upset members here. I texted and asked for 1 last phone. I explained I just needed to hear a couple answers from her and not via text message. I think hearing it's over and hearing why with her voice would hit home harder than letters on a screen. I just can't get over the fact that says she never wanted to hurt me but got as serious as someone can in our timeline only to randomly pull the plug when I least suspect it and expect me to just be OK.

[Mac0908]

Smh.

 

Some people just don't have the will power or self respect to push through. They have to go through more disappointment to get over the hump.

 

One day, hopefully, you will look back on what you just did and cringe.

 

Sad.

[JP92]

Smh.

 

Some people just don't have the will power or self respect to push through. They have to go through more disappointment to get over the hump.

 

One day, hopefully, you will look back on what you just did and cringe.

 

Sad.

 

I know it's very disappointing, but I truly think hearing it from her would bring me closure. Waking up together after a great night and then getting texted that it's all over and time to move on just isn't enough. I'm not happy with myself. I feel like I at least deserve a face to face or phone conversation. Words on a screen aren't enough.

[Beachead]

Another hard part is I really don't have any friends where I live. I'm still new to the area and have a couple work friends but not people I do things with outside of work. She has a large group of GFs she calls "family" and I am sure they'll quickly help her get over this if she's even feeling sad. I'll just be locked up in my apartment full of memories of her with my dog. This place is really my only support group I have and I do appreciate it but not having in person contact is brutal and guys are usually pretty bad with emotional stuff anyways.

 

You'll get lots of support on here but you're right in the sense that some human connection will help tremendously. It's important that you get to see that there is a life after her and there are people who do care about you and want to be in your life.

 

If connection is what you need, I suggest writing out a list of activities you're interested in. Make sure they're group oriented and start signing up. A recreational sport, yoga, a band or a class where you can learn an instrument if you're into music, an art class, a cooking class etc. whatever it is. It could be a class that could help you with work. Some place, where you aren't by yourself and can learn something new, socialize with people and not be reminded of her. You know what I mean?

 

Right now, you feel like she was your world. The truth is, she isn't. She was a bonus. But because you're so shocked and overwhelmed, you're not looking to hear all that right now. What you need to do is tell yourself you're going to be okay. And then make sure this suffering your feeling isn't in vain. Make it mean something. Make it be the reason why 3 years from now when you look back at your life, you think, damn, that loss really made me a better person in every way.

 

When I was 22, a girl I loved broke up with me. Her reasoning was largely that I was weak and negative. That I used my past as a crutch for why I wasn't succeeding in my life. As much of a terrible thing that was of her to say and as badly as it hurt coming from her, she was right. I spent a number of years thinking about what she said and it made me aware of my negative behaviour. I caught myself on many occasions doing what she accused me off. Even found out the source of it. Took years of having to catch myself and correct it and practice but I did a 180. Back when I was sitting on my basement steps downing a bottle of Vodka and begging her on the phone to come back to me, I didn't forsee that losing her would become the reason I became a better, stronger, more aware person. And that transformation attracted a lot of other people.

 

In your case, she left you with nothing but compliments which tells me she knows you did nothing wrong. It's her.

 

So instead, use this as a opportunity to discover yourself. Keep your mind open. Let the pain rain down and feel it. Extreme emotions bring potential for transformation and there will always be something you can learn which you can add to your arsenal. You may even see some warning signs in the relationship that you otherwise did not pick up on down the road. Believe me..it happens.

 

- Beach

Edited May 21, 2018 by Beachead

[Mac0908]

I know it's very disappointing, but I truly think hearing it from her would bring me closure. Waking up together after a great night and then getting texted that it's all over and time to move on just isn't enough. I'm not happy with myself. I feel like I at least deserve a face to face or phone conversation. Words on a screen aren't enough.

 

You don't get it, and that's ok. ONE day, you will.

 

This is one of the last things I'll say to you...

 

This woman took a sh-t on you. Plain and simple. Might not seem that way to you right now, but dating you strong for months, saying I love you and then suddenly going cold one week and eventually breaking up with you(if this is how it REALLY went down and you didn't do anything to turn her off) via text message is the equivalent of her pulling over on the side of the road and taking a sh-t on your face. She doesn't even fully respect you. If she did, she'd end it in PERSON or at the very least over the phone in a long/nice conversation.

 

But even if she did the latter two, she shouldn't deserve to ever see your face again in her THOUGHTS let alone a text from you in her phone. You need to be a man and accept the fact that yes, you got played here, and it hurts and I feel you for that, and I know me venting at you right now looks bad and you probably are thinking who's this miserable guy yelling at me who is probably just some unsuccessful guy living in his parents basement, but trust me its all the opposite. I'm a great guy and have everything I've ever wanted in life but have still gone through serious heartbreak. I'm trying to make you learn from MY mistakes, but even I didn't text my ex after she implied it was definitely over. That's super weak status.

 

The reality is texting her looking to play phone is only throwing more of your dignity as a man out the window. You need to start your healing WITHOUT her and understand that a woman who doesn't want to be with you deserves no more of your time. You state you don't accept friendship and move on for good. If she ever reaches back out after that, then that's another story for another day. Texting her is the one of the worst moves you could have done for so many reasons. You may feel good in the short term, but long term you will have troubles with other women if this is your mindset. It's needy, and yes, it's very weak, but like I feared, you caved and texted her anyway.

Edited May 21, 2018 by Mac0908

[JP92]

You don't get it, and that's ok. ONE day, you will.

 

This is one of the last things I'll say to you...

 

This woman took a sh-t on you. Plain and simple. Might not seem that way to you right now, but dating you strong for months, saying I love you and then suddenly going cold one week and eventually breaking up with you(if this is how it REALLY went down and you didn't do anything to turn her off) via text message is the equivalent of her pulling over on the side of the road and taking a sh-t on your face. She doesn't even fully respect you. If she did, she'd end it in PERSON or at the very least over the phone in a long/nice conversation.

 

But even if she did the latter two, she shouldn't deserve to ever see your face again in her THOUGHTS let alone a text from you in her phone. You need to be a man and accept the fact that yes, you got played here, and it hurts and I feel you for that, and I know me venting at you right now looks bad and you probably are thinking who's this miserable guy yelling at me who is probably just some unsuccessful guy living in his parents basement, but trust me its all the opposite. I'm a great guy and have everything I've ever wanted in life but have still gone through serious heartbreak. I'm trying to make you learn from MY mistakes, but even I didn't text my ex after she implied it was definitely over. That's super weak status.

 

The reality is texting her looking to play phone is only throwing more of your dignity as a man out the window. You need to start your healing WITHOUT her and without doing what you did bc part of healing is gaining as much self respect and pride as you can. Texting her does the reverse of that. You may feel good in the short term, but long term you will have troubles with other women if this is your mindset. It's needy, and yes, it's very weak, but like I feared, you caved and texted her anyway.

 

I completely agree with everything you just said. I just feel so unsatisfied knowing that she thinks she handled it in such a nice fashion. It was the total opposite. If she could hear it from me how cold she was, and I end it there, it would give a lot of closure. She needs to know how awful her timeline in the relationship was and how damaging it was to me. I don't like the fact that she thinks she can get off so easy. I know this is childish, but people need to be made aware of their cruelty. Huge moment of weakness by me, I know, and I know she probably won't call.

[Beachead]

Funny bc at first I thought I was just losing my mind when I would do this day after day in the early stages, but it really did help.

 

Nope, you weren't losing your mind. It's a good thing to do. During tough times, I used presentation preparing strategies like talking to myself to heal myself. But instead of pretending I'm speaking to a bunch of people in a meeting, I pretend I'm speaking to my ex. I just made sure I was alone when I did it . Coincidently, it's also how I've improved my ability to speak in public. Is it nuts? Probably. But It helped me in many ways. So I don't care and I will freely share.

 

In regards to journalling, freewriting without formatting allows you to just let your thoughts flow onto paper as they come and over time. It's awkward at first and you'll feel like restraining or filtering yourself until you suddenly realize there's nobody reading it but you. No judgement, no scrutiny. At which pointm your writing becomes more fluid and organic and real. You really start to see your emotions. Sometimes you can even color code it to show where the anger is, where the sadness is, and happiness. This way, you see which emotions are more dominant. The more entries you have as time goes on, the more you notice patterns and progress which you can even look back on a year later to see how far you've come. Also, I always like to write atleast one thing I'm grateful for everyday even if it's the same thing. I'll always write it down or remind myself every morning.

 

Just some ideas

Edited May 21, 2018 by Beachead

[salparadise]

I just feel so unsatisfied knowing that she thinks she handled it in such a nice fashion. It was the total opposite. If she could hear it from me how cold she was, and I end it there, it would give a lot of closure. She needs to know how awful her timeline in the relationship was and how damaging it was to me. I don't like the fact that she thinks she can get off so easy. I know this is childish, but people need to be made aware of their cruelty. Huge moment of weakness by me, I know, and I know she probably won't call.

 

It's unconscionable to dump someone by text like that. Mine did the same thing and it has bothered me a lot. It's so dismissive, disrespectful and makes you feel like she never gave a damn in the first place. But you have to understand that it says everything about the kind of person she is, and nothing about you.

 

You can't undo it now. Even if you talk to her, she still dumped you via text and didn't care how it made you feel. It was just easier for her at your expense. That's who she is. Once you understand that, don't give her the satisfaction of of a condolence call and hearing you all broken up. Cancel the request, and tell her that only a certifiable piece of shyte would do that. And be done.

 

I know how you feel, just don't humiliate yourself. She shyte on you. You should be angry... and even if you're not, preserve your pride and hold your head high.

[Beachead]

It's unconscionable to dump someone by text like that. Mine did the same thing and it has bothered me a lot. It's so dismissive, disrespectful and makes you feel like she never gave a damn in the first place. But you have to understand that it says everything about the kind of person she is, and nothing about you.

 

You can't undo it now. Even if you talk to her, she still dumped you via text and didn't care how it made you feel. It was just easier for her at your expense. That's who she is. Once you understand that, don't give her the satisfaction of of a condolence call and hearing you all broken up. Cancel the request, and tell her that only a certifiable piece of shyte would do that. And be done.

 

I know how you feel, just don't humiliate yourself. She shyte on you. You should be angry... and even if you're not, preserve your pride and hold your head high.

 

Hell I wouldn't even waste my time calling her a piece of shyt. Mainly because she knows she is and even if she doesn't, there's no point in telling her because it won't bring her back and it won't change her mind. If anything, OP may regret it later on because he ended up showing his pain to a person who didn't deserve to see it. Our emotions at that point are way too sporadic as well. What we feel one minute won't be how we feel the next. What feels good when said today, may not feel so good tomorrow. Regret is powerful and can lead us to want to "Fix" what we said the day before which might keep us coming back to have one more conversation with that person. So to me, silence or a respectful goodbye is ideal..even if you want to cuss them out or beg them to take you back. Because in the end, if you two spent all that time together and you gave your all and that person still arrived to the conclusion of leaving you, especially in the way she did, what more can be said? It's just..we can't accept it because it's too much all at once..too painful.

 

But anyway, it's always easier to advise and look back logically in retrospect. In the moment, not so much. Sometimes, we just need to let it out because it feels better. Don't feel bad OP.

 

- Beach

Edited May 21, 2018 by Beachead

[Mac0908]

Our emotions at that point are way too sporadic as well. What we feel one minute won't be how we feel the next. What feels good when said today, may not feel so good tomorrow. Regret is powerful and can lead us to want to "Fix" what we said the day before which might keep us coming back to have one more conversation with that person. So to me, silence or a respectful goodbye is ideal.

 

- Beach

 

So well said. I cringe when I look back at how I reacted and things I said after being blown off back in January. Absolutely cringe. Not only does it show weakness, but they don't deserve anything but silence anyway. You can say a few short lines but that's the end of it.

[Beachead]

So well said. I cringe when I look back at how I reacted and things I said after being blown off back in January. Absolutely cringe. Not only does it show weakness, but they don't deserve anything but silence anyway. You can say a few short lines but that's the end of it.

 

Me too man. I ended up saying "F*ck you" to my ex when she told me she was returning to hers. I meant to remain calm but the anger and pain I remembered from my previous relationship + the pain in that moment overwhelmed me and I just lost it. 5 seconds of satisfaction followed by regret. I apologized the following day and told her I wasn't myself and she was nice about it but can't take those words back and most importantly, I can't undo the fact that she saw me in total weakness. 10 months later, it still bothers me.

 

A polite, respectful "Wish you well and take care" might not feel satisfying in that moment..but it could be something you'd very likely be grateful for saying in retrospect.

[JP92]

Well, she did reply but replied via text again and she said she can't talk to me on the phone. She gave me the true reasons for leaving me and they were things that could have easily been changed, but she said she didn't want to be in a relationship where people had to change.

 

1 reason was my dog. She didn't enjoy that he shed and would sometimes use the bathroom in my apartment(i always cleaned up after him). She felt like when was sleeping at my place, she was breathing in dog feces. Never the case, but she was very OCD. She knew she could never ask me to give him up and didn't feel comfortable about the idea of having an animal in the house.

 

2. Schedules, again. I'm a night owl. I enjoy staying up late and she wants go to bed early. Ok, that could have been expressed and I would have changed.

 

 

Ultimately, she feels everything should be natural for a relationship and she felt exhausted all of the time and unable to shuffle life and me, plus had doubts due to my dog(really) and my sleeping habits. She doesn't want there to ever be a 2nd chance, but wants to remain friends. I told her I am incapable of being her friend without wanting more from her so that got squashed. It was good. I needed it. The reasons to me were very fixable but hey, I am just glad I received reasons. It was a mixture of little things and her claiming she just didn't feel ready to date anyone right now and she claimed she internally tried to fight those feelings for weeks but had to respect herself and do what felt right. For texting me what she did, she claims there's never a right way to break up with someone and writing it all out in a text was easier than saying it. Ok.

Edited May 21, 2018 by JP92

[Beachead]

Well, she did reply but replied via text again and she said she can't talk to me on the phone. She gave me the true reasons for leaving me and they were things that could have easily been changed, but she said she didn't want to be in a relationship where people had to change.

 

1 reason was my dog. She didn't enjoy that he shed and would sometimes use the bathroom in my apartment(i always cleaned up after him). She felt like when was sleeping at my place, she was breathing in dog feces. Never the case, but she was very OCD. She knew she could never ask me to give him up and didn't feel comfortable about the idea of having an animal in the house.

 

2. Schedules, again. I'm a night owl. I enjoy staying up late and she wants go to bed early. Ok, that could have been expressed and I would have changed.

 

 

Ultimately, she feels everything should be natural for a relationship and she felt exhausted all of the time and unable to shuffle life and me, plus had doubts due to my dog(really) and my sleeping habits. She doesn't want there to ever be a 2nd chance, but wants to remain friends. I told her I am incapable of being her friend without wanting more from her so that got squashed. It was good. I needed it. The reasons to me were very fixable but hey, I am just glad I received reasons. It was a mixture of little things and her claiming she just didn't feel ready to date anyone right now and she claimed she internally tried to fight those feelings for weeks but had to respect herself and do what felt right. For texting me what she did, she claims there's never a right way to break up with someone and writing it all out in a text was easier than saying it. Ok.

 

It is easier to break up via text but it's cowardly and disrespectful to what you two shared. If there ever could be a friendship in the future, the way she ended it with you would be strong determining factor for you in considering the idea. If she can't show friendship in the relationship, what kind of friendship would she show in a friendship?

 

But, atleast she was truthful. She spent weeks thinking about it but kept it on the downlow figuring out what to do while you thought everything was fine. By the time she got to the point where she was strong enough to do the deed, she was largely over the relationship while for you it was a total blindsiding shock. She as a result had a headstart on healing on you. While you're starting from 0%, she's already over it and looking to the future. That's why a lot of people who get dumped feel like their exes are heartless and stronger than them. It's neither..they did their work while they were in the relationship.

 

Anyway, I'm truly sorry for the pain you feel. Know you're not alone. Although it's painful, it's better to be with someone who wants to be with you. Better to fight for someone who'll fight for you. Better to stick it out with someone who will also stick it out with you. She was none of these things she simply revealed her truth. Only thing to do now is come to acceptance of it with time.

Edited May 21, 2018 by Beachead

[JP92]

It is easier to break up via text but it's cowardly and disrespectful to what you two shared. If there ever could be a friendship in the future, the way she ended it with you would be strong determining factor for you in considering the idea. If she can't show friendship in the relationship, what kind of friendship would she show in a friendship?

 

But, atleast she was truthful. She spent weeks thinking about it but kept it on the downlow figuring out what to do while you thought everything was fine. By the time she got to the point where she was strong enough to do the deed, she was largely over the relationship while for you it was a total blindsiding shock. She as a result had a headstart on healing on you. While you're starting from 0%, she's already over it and looking to the future. That's why a lot of people who get dumped feel like their exes are heartless and stronger than them. It's neither..they did their work while they were in the relationship.

 

Anyway, I'm truly sorry for the pain you feel. Know you're not alone. Although it's painful, it's better to be with someone who wants to be with you. Better to fight for someone who'll fight for you. Better to stick it out with someone who will also stick it out with you. She was none of these things she simply revealed her truth. Only thing to do now is come to acceptance of it with time.

 

I feel really good after hearing everything. I know that's temporary and i'll be feeling like crap again many times for awhile but I definitely think this is going to help me get over things faster. Being left with nothing but compliments and no true reason for it ending just added a huge amount of pain. It made no sense and left me beyond confused. It had me thinking there would be another chance because how could you end something if nothing is wrong? Well now I heard what was wrong. It gives me closure. I know there's not a 2nd chance and I can start the healing process. It won't be easy, but it'll be easier than it was a day ago. Thank you so much for your reply and everyone else for their replies. This place is a great help. This is going to be an extremely hard process but at least i know it's 100% over.

[Mac0908]

Well, she did reply but replied via text again and she said she can't talk to me on the phone. She gave me the true reasons for leaving me and they were things that could have easily been changed, but she said she didn't want to be in a relationship where people had to change.

 

1 reason was my dog. She didn't enjoy that he shed and would sometimes use the bathroom in my apartment(i always cleaned up after him). She felt like when was sleeping at my place, she was breathing in dog feces. Never the case, but she was very OCD. She knew she could never ask me to give him up and didn't feel comfortable about the idea of having an animal in the house.

 

2. Schedules, again. I'm a night owl. I enjoy staying up late and she wants go to bed early. Ok, that could have been expressed and I would have changed.

 

 

Ultimately, she feels everything should be natural for a relationship and she felt exhausted all of the time and unable to shuffle life and me, plus had doubts due to my dog(really) and my sleeping habits. She doesn't want there to ever be a 2nd chance, but wants to remain friends. I told her I am incapable of being her friend without wanting more from her so that got squashed. It was good. I needed it. The reasons to me were very fixable but hey, I am just glad I received reasons. It was a mixture of little things and her claiming she just didn't feel ready to date anyone right now and she claimed she internally tried to fight those feelings for weeks but had to respect herself and do what felt right. For texting me what she did, she claims there's never a right way to break up with someone and writing it all out in a text was easier than saying it. Ok.

 

As long as you realize that in the grand scheme of things both of those reasons are BS. They may be "issues" to her but as I noted before, girls will move MOUNTAINS to see someone they are interested in. Same goes for many men too. I mean let's say you met an absolute knockout of a woman and she was awesome in every way shape or form, checked all the boxes, etc. Are you going to let her DOG be a huge deciding factor in it all? Lol. Comical.

 

The good news is you seem like a great guy who did nothing wrong and if I had to guess she's just another weird girl in the world of weird girls. Ultimately she didn't like you enough but if you did nothing at all wrong, it's really nothing to get TOO devastated about. I know you're devastated right now no matter what, but I guess my point is it would be a LOT worse if you did something stupid to ruin things.

 

Me too man. I ended up saying "F*ck you" to my ex when she told me she was returning to hers. I meant to remain calm but the anger and pain I remembered from my previous relationship + the pain in that moment overwhelmed me and I just lost it. 5 seconds of satisfaction followed by regret. I apologized the following day and told her I wasn't myself and she was nice about it but can't take those words back and most importantly, I can't undo the fact that she saw me in total weakness. 10 months later, it still bothers me.

 

A polite, respectful "Wish you well and take care" might not feel satisfying in that moment..but it could be something you'd very likely be grateful for saying in retrospect.

 

You and me both man. Although its only been 4.5 months for me. I think back about saying "Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life" and cringe. I think back at all my frustration texts (although polite) after she ended things and wanna grab the phone from me and throw it out the window lol. Gotta project your frustration on other things. Boy was I naive. I guess the only thing that bothers me is that it took me 33 years to learn. It's a shame, but whats done is done. The good news is for OUR cases nothing we did really would have changed anything anyway imo. We were rebounds, glorified or not, we were rebounds, and both of our ex's ultimately ended up back with the guy. You can't change a girls emotions when it comes to long term ex's. It is what it is.

 

We live and learn, don't we?

Edited May 21, 2018 by Mac0908

[Beachead]

As long as you realize that in the grand scheme of things both of those reasons are BS. They may be "issues" to her but as I noted before, girls will move MOUNTAINS to see someone they are interested in. Same goes for many men too. I mean let's say you met an absolute knockout of a woman and she was awesome in every way shape or form, checked all the boxes, etc. Are you going to let her DOG be a huge deciding factor in it all? Lol. Comical.

 

The good news is you seem like a great guy who did nothing wrong and if I had to guess she's just another weird girl in the world of weird girls. Ultimately she didn't like you enough but if you did nothing at all wrong, it's really nothing to get TOO devastated about. I know you're devastated right now no matter what, but I guess my point is it would be a LOT worse if you did something stupid to ruin things,

 

Exactly. OP, you have nothing to regret. You were a good boyfriend. And that is HUGE for the healing process. Nothing is worse than knowing you treated someone like crap. It would linger and eat you up inside. But, this isn't the case for yo. This is on her.

 

Stay strong. The journey will be rough but you have support and people who understand here.

 

- Beach

[winny]

As long as you realize that in the grand scheme of things both of those reasons are BS. They may be "issues" to her but as I noted before, girls will move MOUNTAINS to see someone they are interested in. Same goes for many men too. I mean let's say you met an absolute knockout of a woman and she was awesome in every way shape or form, checked all the boxes, etc. Are you going to let her DOG be a huge deciding factor in it all? Lol. Comical.

 

The good news is you seem like a great guy who did nothing wrong and if I had to guess she's just another weird girl in the world of weird girls. Ultimately she didn't like you enough but if you did nothing at all wrong, it's really nothing to get TOO devastated about. I know you're devastated right now no matter what, but I guess my point is it would be a LOT worse if you did something stupid to ruin things.

 

 

 

You and me both man. Although its only been 4.5 months for me. I think back about saying "Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life" and cringe. I think back at all my frustration texts (although polite) after she ended things and wanna grab the phone from me and throw it out the window lol. Gotta project your frustration on other things. Boy was I naive. I guess the only thing that bothers me is that it took me 33 years to learn. It's a shame, but whats done is done. The good news is for OUR cases nothing we did really would have changed anything anyway imo. We were rebounds, glorified or not, we were rebounds, and both of our ex's ultimately ended up back with the guy. You can't change a girls emotions when it comes to long term ex's. It is what it is.

 

We live and learn, don't we?

 

I have to agree. Those 2 reasons are BS.

 

Listen OP, its tough. I am going through it myself.

 

After telling me that I fulfill him and coming to my graduation, sending me flowers that day, clicking pictures with me... acting so happy and kissing me that evening... he dumped me the next day. He had called me to have lunch. I went there happily thinking about what to order. I shudder every time I think of the time I sat down and the first thing out of his mouth was to end it. He seemed like a stranger to me. We also never had any fights. He told me we will be preparing for tests together, i should make space for him in my closet... and other stuff which gave me no reason to worry about the future. It was like he left one Saturday morning and in the next 2 days he changed. I never saw this coming. I walked away while his break up speech was in progress (you know where they tell you that you are the most amazing person ever yet they cannot date you because of some BS reason... who has time for that?) Once I was home and few hrs passed, I texted him and said I needed to be alone so I came back and I will text him when I feel better. He said he hopes I feel better soon. That was that. I was devastated and cried and what not. Its been 1.5 weeks I have not texted him nor do I intend to. Whats there to be said.. I gave my best and he cannot value it?

 

When someone is into you they will move mountains to be with you. When two people are in a relationship and they have concerns, they discuss and try to resolve them first before thinking of break up unless one of them is cheating or has done something major like that. But otherwise... break up because of a dog? Seriously? Only a mentally imbalanced person would throw away a great relationship for such a non-issue.

 

You are better off without her. Give it some time and you will think the same.

And take as much time as you need to. I spent the first week on bed. Now I am starting to venture out a bit. Some days are okay some are bad. But my love for me is more than anything else. So I am force feeding myself food. Talk to friends or therapist and do anything you need to.... just... DO NOT CONTACT HER. She does not deserve you.

Edited May 21, 2018 by winny

[Beachead]

As long as you realize that in the grand scheme of things both of those reasons are BS. They may be "issues" to her but as I noted before, girls will move MOUNTAINS to see someone they are interested in. Same goes for many men too. I mean let's say you met an absolute knockout of a woman and she was awesome in every way shape or form, checked all the boxes, etc. Are you going to let her DOG be a huge deciding factor in it all? Lol. Comical.

 

The good news is you seem like a great guy who did nothing wrong and if I had to guess she's just another weird girl in the world of weird girls. Ultimately she didn't like you enough but if you did nothing at all wrong, it's really nothing to get TOO devastated about. I know you're devastated right now no matter what, but I guess my point is it would be a LOT worse if you did something stupid to ruin things.

 

 

 

You and me both man. Although its only been 4.5 months for me. I think back about saying "Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life" and cringe. I think back at all my frustration texts (although polite) after she ended things and wanna grab the phone from me and throw it out the window lol. Gotta project your frustration on other things. Boy was I naive. I guess the only thing that bothers me is that it took me 33 years to learn. It's a shame, but whats done is done. The good news is for OUR cases nothing we did really would have changed anything anyway imo. We were rebounds, glorified or not, we were rebounds, and both of our ex's ultimately ended up back with the guy. You can't change a girls emotions when it comes to long term ex's. It is what it is.

 

We live and learn, don't we?

 

3 months or 33 years..doesn't matter. You learned . Took me my whole life as well. Some people lack the insight, open-mindedness, and humility to look at themselves and give themselves an honest evaluation. Some people live in denial and lie to themselves. 20 years down the road, those people are still the same, doing the same things and their life is sh*t behind the facade they publicize to everyone, and they don't know why. We're not those people. We have the capability to grow and get better. I'm grateful for that.

[Beachead]

If you start to feel weak and blame yourself or get the urge to contact her, think about it like this:

 

You gave this person the best you had to give. You left yourself vulnerable to show them who you were because you had to. Love is risk. So, you showed them what makes you cry. What makes you happy. What makes you angry. And they got to see the worst of you and the best of you and experienced your life and was around the people you love. They inserted themselves into your routine and made you care. Made you feel loved. They got to know you at the most intimate, deepest levels possible.

 

Then they decide "You know? I think I can do better." It's the ultimate rejection of self.

 

And here's the best part..

 

They request "Friendship" as if it's the most natural transition in the world knowing it isn't. Knowing full well if the roles were reversed, they wouldn't accept such an offer because it's insulting...but here they are they hoping you would. Where's the friendship in that?

 

Take it personally, it is.

 

Anytime I get weak, 5 minutes of that is all I need..and then I'm good.

 

Ps. Eventually forgiveness will come but in the beginning, be real with yourself. See it for what it is. That's how you can work through all of it.

Edited May 22, 2018 by Beachead

[JP92]

If you start to feel weak and blame yourself or get the urge to contact her, think about it like this:

 

You gave this person the best you had to give. You left yourself vulnerable to show them who you were because you had to. Love is risk. So, you showed them what makes you cry. What makes you happy. What makes you angry. And they got to see the worst of you and the best of you and experienced your life and was around the people you love. They inserted themselves into your routine and made you care. Made you feel loved. They got to know you at the most intimate, deepest levels possible.

 

Then they decide "You know? I think I can do better." It's the ultimate rejection of self.

 

And here's the best part..

 

They request "Friendship" as if it's the most natural transition in the world knowing it isn't. Knowing full well if the roles were reversed, they wouldn't accept such an offer because it's insulting...but here they are they hoping you would. Where's the friendship in that?

 

Take it personally, it is.

 

Anytime I get weak, 5 minutes of that is all I need..and then I'm good.

 

Ps. Eventually forgiveness will come but in the beginning, be real with yourself. See it for what it is. That's how you can work through all of it.

 

Words of wisdom. Thank you. It's virtually impossible to be friends with someone you were in love with and I can't believe she'd even offer such a thing. She really doesn't seem to be taking my feelings in consideration. The last text she sent me, she said, she doesn't want to cut all ties with me because I respected her and loved her more than any guy ever has and if she was in a healthier state, she'd think of asking us to try to work things out. "Hey, just so you know, I know you're really sad I dumped you but I almost thought of trying to work things out!"

 

Cold blooded.

[Beachead]

Words of wisdom. Thank you. It's virtually impossible to be friends with someone you were in love with and I can't believe she'd even offer such a thing. She really doesn't seem to be taking my feelings in consideration. The last text she sent me, she said, she doesn't want to cut all ties with me because I respected her and loved her more than any guy ever has and if she was in a healthier state, she'd think of asking us to try to work things out. "Hey, just so you know, I know you're really sad I dumped you but I almost thought of trying to work things out!"

 

Cold blooded.

 

Don't acknowledge it. People who do this do it for the same 3 reasons 99% of the time.

 

1. They want to keep you on the backburner just incase their experimental life doesn't work out for them but in most cases it does. Waiting for them is self defeating as well.

 

2. They want to leave but are still attached and will use your company to help them ween themselves off of you until they meet someone else.

 

3. They need to soothe the guilt they feel for hurting you. By being "Friends" they can undo their wrongdoings by being nice, giving advice etc. under the false pretense of friendship when it's really more like clearing a debt they feel they owe to you. As soon as that debt is paid off, they'll disappear.

 

In all 3 scenerios, they eventually leave.

In all 3 scenerios, they get what they want and you don't.

In all 3 scenerios, they disrespect you and you disrespect yourself.

 

The sooner you stop talking to her, the larger the impact your silence and lack of presence will have on her. She may or may not come back but even if she does, tread very carefully, keep your guard up and keep conversations short. But remember not to do this for her. You going no contact is for you to heal and for you to get your head right so that you can get back to living a life that makes you happy.

Edited May 22, 2018 by Beachead

[salparadise]

You gave this person the best you had to give. [...] They got to know you at the most intimate, deepest levels possible.

 

Then they decide "You know? I think I can do better." It's the ultimate rejection of self.

 

And here's the best part... They request "Friendship" as if it's the most natural transition

 

 

Yea. The reasons were merely excuses. The real reasons are complicated, involve her fears and self-doubt, and my guess is she doesn't even know in a conscious way.

 

For some, being the wonderful person who loves them isn't enough... they need a struggle. You were all-in, no longer a challenge. When you've capitulated they switch modes... from can I get this guy, to well that was easy––wonder if I can I do even better.

 

That was Saturday, right? Wonder if she had the revelation while watching the Royal Wedding? Hey, if Megan Merkel can catch a prince...

[ExpatInItaly]

I see where you're coming from, but if the guy starts to (justifiably) develop feelings, it can become a serious problem when the hammer gets dropped on him like it did me all those months ago.

 

It's a terrible thing when someone can be careless with someones emotions, yet it seems to happen way too often.

 

Yes, I agree. It's not pleasant but it does happen frequently, particularly when one person is rather fresh out of a relationship and on the rebound. They think they're ready to date again, and then something happens (ex reappears, the initial sparks wear off, and so on) and they bolt.

 

OP, to be clear, I don't know that this is the case with your ex. I am simply speculating.

[JP92]

Is it normal to not be able to eat at all? I'm someone that has experimented with many diets such as the keto and always fought intense cravings just a day into the diet. I couldn't cope most days if I didn't eat food by 5 PM. However, after my breakup, I can't eat a thing. I've had some yogurt, I forced myself to have a tiny, tiny plate of scrambled eggs and that's it. Just water and green tea. It's now day 4 and I still can't eat. I'm trying. As I try to bite the food my stomach gives me a signal that it's going to immediately throw it up. I'm a little worried this'll lead to health problems down the road. I've never gone so long without an appetite. I checked the scale and I am already down from 169 to 164. I'm sure a lot of that is just water weight.

 

I'm hoping I can eventually muster up the energy to shoot for big time workout goals to fill the void and get out of the house as much as possible so I can give myself some self happiness. Right now, the ability to chase these goals seems so far away.

Edited May 22, 2018 by JP92

[Beachead]

Is it normal to not be able to eat at all? I'm someone that has experimented with many diets such as the keto and always fought intense cravings just a day into the diet. I couldn't cope most days if I didn't eat food by 5 PM. However, after my breakup, I can't eat a thing. I've had some yogurt, I forced myself to have a tiny, tiny plate of scrambled eggs and that's it. Just water and green tea. It's now day 4 and I still can't eat. I'm trying. As I try to bite the food my stomach gives me a signal that it's going to immediately throw it up. I'm a little worried this'll lead to health problems down the road. I've never gone so long without an appetite. I checked the scale and I am already down from 169 to 164. I'm sure a lot of that is just water weight.

 

I'm hoping I can eventually muster up the energy to shoot for big time workout goals to fill the void and get out of the house as much as possible so I can give myself some self happiness. Right now, the ability to chase these goals seems so far away.

 

Yea man it is. You're heartbroken which is really a physiological reaction to emotional stress. You're going to experience symptoms. Heavy chest or chest pain which makes you feel like you can't breathe sometimes. Fatigue which makes you just want to lie in bed, do nothing and sleep all day. Loss of appetite which will naturally lead to losing weight.

 

More extreme/serious cases are depression or those who've never had anxiety issues ending up experiencing anxiety attacks that end up becoming a regular thing. It's all common.

 

I lost 10 pounds a few years ago after losing an ex. People were wondering what happened because they noticed. What happened was I felt broken inside..felt like death.

 

Try to eat what you can and maintain your health. Those symptoms will dissipate with time as your mind gets itself back together. Make sure you keep your mind as healthy as possible also. Share on here and read other peoples stories. If you need help outside of work, support groups or therapy or a life coach will work. Friends and family ofcourse and the gym is a great tool also.

 

- Beach

Edited May 22, 2018 by Beachead