I Keep Cheating, but My Husband Doesn't Want to Divorce

August 28, 2018

I'm also sensing a blow up happening between my inlaws and me soon. Today, his sister posted a meme, which I believe was directed toward me. And usually, when the passive aggressiveness happens with her and my mother in law, the drama starts.

Look, you need to take care of you... and the baby. That is it.

You really, really need to ignore these people. You cannot go back and fix the things that you have done.

Maybe you can do something someday to make amends or maybe you cannot.

But you need to understand that people that have the issues that you have, whatever you eventually find out, almost never even admit them to themselves or anyone else.

You are actually self aware to understand that you actually had issues and are working to fix them.

That in and of itself it a big step.

So the in laws can just suck eggs. You are on the path to recovery and living an authentic life and you are having a baby.

Focus on you and you baby, screw everyone else...

August 28, 2018

I'm also sensing a blow up happening between my inlaws and me soon. Today, his sister posted a meme, which I believe was directed toward me. And usually, when the passive aggressiveness happens with her and my mother in law, the drama starts.

I really do think they are highly suspicious and trying to find someone to agree with them.

But you don’t really have to deal with them anymore anyway, as you’re divorcing soon. Just have a civil relationship with your soon-to-be ex-husband as co-parents. What you have done to their son/bro was pure evil. Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if they try to convince him not to be your second daughter’s daddy.

Edited August 28, 2018 by JuneL

August 28, 2018

Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if they try to convince him not to be your second daughter’s daddy.

If they did know, 100% they would be convincing him, there is no doubt about that. Hence another big reason why he doesn't want to tell them. And according to him he doesn't want our oldest to know yet.

Edited August 28, 2018 by TheRainbow

August 29, 2018

I am sure that it may help him... and while he was way to beta with @Rainbow, she actually does love him. That is what is so bad about this.

I make no excuses for her, but she knows she has issues and is working on them. And while this marriage should probably be done, I am not sure that he is actually getting the advice that he should.

I mean, hopefully he is getting the don't be a beta advice, but further understand of her actual issues, I doubt that.

But he absolutely should ask for paternity in this situation, he would be a fool if he did not...

This situation has NOTHING to do with alpha/beta. Nothing. I know it may seem like it. That's a mistake.

OP is a former stripper, who then married really young, who then cheated almost immediately. STBxH is basically irrelevant. OP was always going to marry, she was always going to cheat. Always going to strip, I suppose. Thinking that "the right man can handle her", big mistake.

If you think he should have moved on earlier, to me that has nothing to do with alpha/beta. No man was ever going to survive the sexual scrutiny of OP. It is just not possible. I have described her as oversexed. I believe it.

Keep in mind that I respect OP for being honest here.

August 29, 2018

I am sure that it may help him... and while he was way to beta with @Rainbow, she actually does love him. That is what is so bad about this.

I make no excuses for her, but she knows she has issues and is working on them. And while this marriage should probably be done, I am not sure that he is actually getting the advice that he should.

I mean, hopefully he is getting the don't be a beta advice, but further understand of her actual issues, I doubt that.

But he absolutely should ask for paternity in this situation, he would be a fool if he did not...

Rainbow’s original post on this thread she stated that she had told him that she doesn’t love him anymore and that she doesn’t want to be married to him anymore. I’m not seeing where that has changed.

August 29, 2018

This situation has NOTHING to do with alpha/beta. Nothing. I know it may seem like it. That's a mistake.

OP is a former stripper, who then married really young, who then cheated almost immediately. STBxH is basically irrelevant. OP was always going to marry, she was always going to cheat. Always going to strip, I suppose. Thinking that "the right man can handle her", big mistake.

If you think he should have moved on earlier, to me that has nothing to do with alpha/beta. No man was ever going to survive the sexual scrutiny of OP. It is just not possible. I have described her as oversexed. I believe it.

Keep in mind that I respect OP for being honest here.

I get what you are saying, I really do. But for me I see it different.

I have know some women like OP. While she is more self aware that most with these types of issues, the are the same type of issues.

I think that if OP's H was a stronger man, he could have stepped in and stopped this behavior.

Now I am not saying that it would have worked 100%, but he would have had a chance. If he wanted it.

But OP said so herself that she loved him, he is even good in bed, but he gave her no consequences, and she wanted them.

Now it may not have mattered, you are correct in that, but a KISA beta was never going to be able to handle this situation. I think she wanted someone to "save her" from herself.

But that is my take, I get that it is completely debatable, I totally get that.

But I have been with women that did not have any serious issues, relatively normal, and even they would always throw me a test to see if I would puss out or whatever.

Many times I have had to look at a woman and basically say, who in the F do you think you are talking to, boom end of issue.

But you could be right, about our OP. The reason I ascribe more trust with her than other like her is that, at least now, she knows what she did was horrible and she wants to be better. I can appreciate that.

I have know some that did not get to this point, and read about many many more.

But that is just my take...

August 29, 2018

Rainbow’s original post on this thread she stated that she had told him that she doesn’t love him anymore and that she doesn’t want to be married to him anymore. I’m not seeing where that has changed.

I do love him. Back when I first started posting I didn't know what I wanted. I was feeling guilty because at the time I didn't know that he was or wasn't the father. When I told him, and he still wanted to be there for her and made steps to make sure the other man stayed away, and eventually we separated, I started to realize just how much I loved him. I have discovered when your focus is on someone else, and regrettably, the other man was on my mind during that time. Once I told the other man to kick rocks, we moved and I actually had to face my demons, clarity and reality settled in.

I have always seeked other men for comfort, and when someone came around that really did give a crap, I didn't appreciate it. It's no excuse, and all I can do is do better.

Edited August 29, 2018 by TheRainbow

August 29, 2018

I have know some women like OP. While she is more self aware that most with these types of issues, the are the same type of issues.

I think that if OP's H was a stronger man, he could have stepped in and stopped this behavior.
<SNIP>

OP cheated on H at the six month point. The proper response for any man at that point is likely to take a hike. You don't fix that, and six month cheaters aren't worth dealing with.

OP has self knowledge and discernment. I just think she wants things that are impossible to get. She obviously "gets" H, knows he's a good guy, understands his good qualities. I think OP both wants and doesn't want the good man and the alpha bad boy men. That's obviously impossible. That's obviously a problem.

Anyway, what's done is done, what is coming in the future? Do you think OP will respect any man that takes her and her three kids on in a LTR? Do you think the "alpha bad boy" men will stick around?

In this case, I really think OP needs to work to stop wanting some of the things she wants deep down, because they're impossible and destructive. No other way. IMO, any man that married her gets the same result.

Edited August 30, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

August 29, 2018

I always thought he'd wait until he baby is born because it's cheaper to get DNA testing done. When I asked him why now, versus then. He said that he doesn't want to go through the pregnancy with that doubt floating around. That it's memories he can't get back. So he just wants to get it over with.

I guess if the baby isn't his he doesn't want to be around for the birth and then get attached. That would be painful for him. I'm glad he decided to get paternity testing. It will be better for you and the baby as well so the baby will know who it's father is.

August 29, 2018

I do love him. Back when I first started posting I didn't know what I wanted. I was feeling guilty because at the time I didn't know that he was or wasn't the father. When I told him, and he still wanted to be there for her and made steps to make sure the other man stayed away, and eventually we separated, I started to realize just how much I loved him. I have discovered when your focus is on someone else, and regrettably, the other man was on my mind during that time. Once I told the other man to kick rocks, we moved and I actually had to face my demons, clarity and reality settled in.

I have always seeked other men for comfort, and when someone came around that really did give a crap, I didn't appreciate it. It's no excuse, and all I can do is do better.

Love is an action. Your actions towards your husband during the 13 years you have been together are not love. You have sex with other men and then you blame him for it. I do not believe that it has anything to do with him being alpha or beta. He has to have had an incredible amount of inner strength to have been able to tolerate the repeated trauma and turmoil that you have put him and your kids through.

It will be incredibly difficult to get back together after separation and stay married after all that has happened. You are dependent on him financially. You are dependent on him to be the stable, responsible parent to your kids. Unfortunately, at this time, you probably need him more than he needs you. Kind of like a parasite needs a host. That’s not a healthy, life enriching, mutually beneficial love.

You should try to keep focusing on not being dependent on him. If something were to happen to him, you need to independently be financially and emotionally capable of taking care of yourself and your kids.

August 29, 2018

The other man is delusional. He thought I was going to leave my husband for him. When our affair was me using him and him using me. I had no intentions of ever leaving him.

I don't believe he cares about his family. He is older than me and younger than my husband, and during our on and off the affair, he never mentioned he was married or had kids. He didn't even have a picture or anything on his desk.

My husband on the other hand, everyone knew he was married. He always showed pictures of his kids, our family, vacations. The odd time I visited him at his work, it was obvious his family was important to him, second to his achievements. I even overheard one time a co-worker who was jealous of my husband say that he had a hot young wife. Not going to lie that was a boost to my self-esteem, and looking back it was really dehumanizing.

August 29, 2018

I guess OM sometimes DO pay a price. LIVING WITH MOM AS A JANITOR. ****ing hilarious! I'm going to smile all day now. Hahhahaha.

I find it funny too. WHere we moved from janitors are lucky to make more then 15.00 an hour, where he was making around 70K a year before.

August 29, 2018

What you’re saying is inconsistent. You just mentioned a few posts ago that you didn’t love your husband in your opening post because you were still thinking about the OM then.

Your playing happy family story just confirmed that we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. I wonder what these co-workers would feel if they only knew how his “young hot wife” has been cheating on this happy husband/father longer than their marriage and has passed for the affair baby as his. I think they would rather have an old ugly wife any day.

The other man is delusional. He thought I was going to leave my husband for him. When our affair was me using him and him using me. I had no intentions of ever leaving him.

I don't believe he cares about his family. He is older than me and younger than my husband, and during our on and off the affair, he never mentioned he was married or had kids. He didn't even have a picture or anything on his desk.

My husband on the other hand, everyone knew he was married. He always showed pictures of his kids, our family, vacations. The odd time I visited him at his work, it was obvious his family was important to him, second to his achievements. I even overheard one time a co-worker who was jealous of my husband say that he had a hot young wife. Not going to lie that was a boost to my self-esteem, and looking back it was really dehumanizing.

August 29, 2018

What you’re saying is inconsistent. You just mentioned a few posts ago that you didn’t love your husband in your opening post because you were still thinking about the OM then.

Your playing happy family story just confirmed that we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. I wonder what these co-workers would feel if they only knew how his “young hot wife” has been cheating on this happy husband/father longer than their marriage and has passed for the affair baby as his. I think they would rather have an old ugly wife any day.

I never loved the other man, there was lust, and he knew that there was the possibility that he was the father of my baby right up until we confirmed for sure. So, of course, there were thoughts about him. I never knew until my husband confronted him in the parking lot just how-how much he was into me. He wasn't the first man that wanted more from me.

As for my husband's co-worker. He isn't very liked in the workplace. He even said he takes no bull**** at work and he supervisor of his division. There comments I believe were more of a dig toward him then anything.

August 29, 2018

I find it funny too. WHere we moved from janitors are lucky to make more then 15.00 an hour, where he was making around 70K a year before.

He's the biological father of your baby daughter. He might be able to claim child support from you if he claims custody of the baby.

Edited August 29, 2018 by JuneL

August 29, 2018

He's the biological father of your baby daughter. He might be able to claim child support from you if he claims custody of the baby.

I'm not worried about that. He is working as a janitor, going through a divorce and has other kids he has to support. He has no time to go after me to establish any rights. Even if he tries, my husband will put up a fight. Him getting custody is laughable and I know a judge would agree.

August 29, 2018

I'm not worried about that. He is working as a janitor, going through a divorce and has other kids he has to support. He has no time to go after me to establish any rights. Even if he tries, my husband will put up a fight. Him getting custody is laughable and I know a judge would agree.

Wow, how arrogant.

August 29, 2018

Wow, how arrogant.

He doesn't want to be a father to her. The last few (one sided) contact with him, he never once mentioned the baby. Nothing, about wanting to be apart of her life. It's just a bunch of name calling against me, the last one he told me he wished I'd get hit by a bus. If that makes me arrogant, I guess it does. He's a pig. He is mad that my husband contacted his wife and blew up his marriage. If he just wanted a relationship with the baby, that would be what he was asking about.

Edited August 29, 2018 by TheRainbow

August 30, 2018

For some reason, I'm having trouble following this story and who's the father of your child. As I understand it (I think) you're married, but the father of your unborn child is a lover who you've been with a few years, on and off? Do you have other children and are they your husband's or your lover(s).

August 30, 2018

Him getting custody is laughable and I know a judge would agree.

Famous last words...

You are pretty used to getting things your way, and your response demonstrates this when your husband steps out of line... But, you don’t know what this man will try and do in the future, and you don’t know what the courts would say... you have left yourself open and vulnerable to him so you better hope he doesn’t come calling...

August 30, 2018

For some reason, I'm having trouble following this story and who's the father of your child. As I understand it (I think) you're married, but the father of your unborn child is a lover who you've been with a few years, on and off? Do you have other children and are they your husband's or your lover(s).

My 10-year-old is my husband's child.

my now 7 months old is my ex-affair partners' biological child

I'm pregnant with my husband's child, pending a DNA test my husband requested which will show he is the father.

August 30, 2018

Famous last words...

You are pretty used to getting things your way, and your response demonstrates this when your husband steps out of line... But, you don’t know what this man will try and do in the future, and you don’t know what the courts would say... you have left yourself open and vulnerable to him so you better hope he doesn’t come calling...

I do come across that way. But I don't always get what I want, not a chance. But the other man doesn't stand a chance. All he has shown since I stopped contact toward me, is sending me messages from fake accounts calling me names, wishing death on me, and besides a few messages in the beginning, before I stopped contact altogether, he hasn't mentioned the baby. Hasn't told any of our ex co-workers who have relayed a lot of stuff back to me about the baby.

Maybe I can't prevent him from at least trying to get paternity rights in the future. But when someone said he could possibly get custody made me laugh. It's sickening to even consider. Besides, I look where I live, and primary custody is usually given to the mother. I have no criminal record, I work, healthy children, my daughter is a straight 'a' student. I never told him about my past. And the only thing he could use against me is the affair, but he did the same thing. I have my family who will back me, my husband, who will back me, and I just don't see how he'd ever in a million years get custody of my baby. Worse case scenario he'll get visitation.

But at this point, from what I hear he has his own set of problems to deal with. He is working a low paying job, living with his mother. He has two other children, who he has to support. My daughter has a father, who may not be her biological father, but who would do anything for her, and loves her. And frankly can provide a better life then that man can.

The longer he stays away or doesn't try to establish paternity works against him. Call me selfish, call me arrogant, but I'm genuinely thinking of her best interests.

Edited August 30, 2018 by TheRainbow

August 30, 2018

“Janitor”, “low-paying job”? Personally, I don’t see why that’s funny. He might go after the baby now that you’re making a lot more than he does just to get child support.

Your baby daughter has the right to know her biological father, and many kids grow up wanting to know their biological fathers

Like the other poster said, you’ll be forever linked to him because of what you chose to do. Who knows, maybe you’ll need him when your daughter has some medical needs. Just saying...

I do come across that way. But I don't always get what I want, not a chance. But the other man doesn't stand a chance. All he has shown since I stopped contact toward me, is sending me messages from fake accounts calling me names, wishing death on me, and besides a few messages in the beginning, before I stopped contact altogether, he hasn't mentioned the baby. Hasn't told any of our ex co-workers who have relayed a lot of stuff back to me about the baby.

Maybe I can't prevent him from at least trying to get paternity rights in the future. But when someone said he could possibly get custody made me laugh. It's sickening to even consider. Besides, I look where I live, and primary custody is usually given to the mother. I have no criminal record, I work, healthy children, my daughter is a straight 'a' student. I never told him about my past. And the only thing he could use against me is the affair, but he did the same thing. I have my family who will back me, my husband, who will back me, and I just don't see how he'd ever in a million years get custody of my baby. Worse case scenario he'll get visitation.

But at this point, from what I hear he has his own set of problems to deal with. He is working a low paying job, living with his mother. He has two other children, who he has to support. My daughter has a father, who may not be her biological father, but who would do anything for her, and loves her. And frankly can provide a better life then that man can.

The longer he stays away or doesn't try to establish paternity works against him. Call me selfish, call me arrogant, but I'm genuinely thinking of her best interests.

Edited August 30, 2018 by JuneL

August 30, 2018

its so unfair to treat a man you his your husband the way you do to him. for how long will you taking it like that even though he can not leave you have the right to force the divorce before you infect him HIV because its so easy for you to sleep out even without a protection. There i would i advice you to leave for the best of your kids

August 30, 2018

“Janitor”, “low-paying job”? Personally, I don’t see why that’s funny. He might go after the baby now that you’re making a lot more than he does just to get child support.

I'm not making tons of money though. Currently, I'm only working 24 hours a week at 19/hr. Plus my husband is giving me 500 a week for temporary spousal/child support.

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I Keep Cheating, but My Husband Doesn't Want to Divorce

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