she left - but will it last?

[BTDT2012]

I wanted them to resolve their own situation with as little interference from me as possible. But I'm too weak to go into complete NC while they do it, I miss him too much.

And in the meantime you live a life on hold. This makes me sad for you.

[JuneL]

 

I am not going to demand that he leave his wife immediately and come be with me. I am not going to demand anything. I wanted them to resolve their own situation with as little interference from me as possible.

 

No offense, but I really can't stand statements like that You're pretending to be "kind" to his wife, whereas we all know how cruel your actions are to her (including your mean and harsh accusations about her).

 

Btw, we also know that Charles left Diana for Camilla long before they officially divorced each other.

[JuneL]

 

Part of this is because his wife is doing her very best to prevent them from dealing with their problems. When she's not refusing to talk because she's 'too busy with school' so it's 'not fair' for him to stress her out with relationship discussions, or yelling at him until he turtles up, or getting hysterical and threatening to hurt herself until he has to calm her down, she simply leaves the house as soon as he comes home and stays out all evening. Since he's been busy as well and he hates conflict (we all know the type) it's been easy for her to keep pushing things out.

 

And now she's brought home a surprise dog and dumped it on him as something for them to love. I'm grateful she hasn't managed to get herself pregnant but that would require actually having sex.

 

 

You know, these mean and harsh accusations say more about you than about his wife.

[somanymistakes]

Never claimed to be an angel, I said from the beginning that I'm a screwup and she's generally considered to be nicer than me by people who know us both.

 

I'm not waiting for them to work their thing out to be "kind" to his wife though, that's not the point.

[elaine567]

Prince Charles had the weight of history and tradition, the Royal family, the fate of the monarchy and the entire British public on his back, hardly the same as the pressure on your average MM, but he still did it which I guess says a lot.

[somanymistakes]

So apparently he brought up the prospect of a trial separation in their MC, to either make or break the marriage. (As I've mentioned, a lengthy separation is required in order to file for divorce where we live.) She immediately decided to go visit her cousins for the month. Anything to avoid attending more MC sessions or having to actually talk to him.

 

What's the point of her even being married to him if she doesn't want to sleep with him, doesn't want to talk to him, doesn't even seem to want to be around him? Is it just about the money? I KNOW that's not fair but I can't help thinking it anyway, that maybe she's just dragging this out to make the marriage last longer so she'll be entitled to more alimony.

 

I mean, isn't the pattern supposed to be taking the wayward spouse off on a romantic vacation in a desperate attempt to reconnect?

[lostgirl87]

I can't recall off te top of my head- does his wife know about you? I could just go back and read but laziness is winning today

[somanymistakes]

haha no problem, there's too many threads around here to keep track of them all.

 

It's still an EA only and yes the wife knows about it.

[lostgirl87]

haha no problem, there's too many threads around here to keep track of them all.

 

It's still an EA only and yes the wife knows about it.

Well as women, I think EAs hurt more than a PA. We know men can bang without feeling anything but for her, it has to be worse that he's so invested in you and it's not even physical. It's even worse that you 2 had a significant past and history.

 

I think for a lot of wives, they don't want to "lose" to the OW. I know I'll upset some people but it's the truth and nobody wants to admit it. As a wife, they feel superior. They have more power. And a lot of these WHs are too scared or too cowardly to man up and just walk away so he stays. This gives the wife the power again. She won't let him go b/c she knows he won't be alone but she will be. In her eyes, he will go on and be happy with the home wrecker while she's alone and left to pick up the pieces by herself. Again, I know I'll upset people but I stand by it.

 

I think in your MM's case this could be the case too. If any part of what you say is true, she seems capable of that type of manipulation. Not many women are able to be the bigger person and say "your heart isn't entirely here regardless of your physical presence so I'll go ahead and file and set us both free to be happy". I have to say, I don't even know if I'd be able to be that big so I'm not trying to offend anyone lol

[BTDT2012]

Unless you have talked to his wife, all you know is what he tells you.

[elaine567]

It is not only MM that have a lot invested in a marriage, wives do too and so even if her husband is cheating, she may not actually want to walk away from the life she has built up either.

 

She may not want to "lose" to the OW, but if she were to divorce she may also lose her status, her home, 24/7 access to her children, her garden, her pets, her friends, her neighbours, her money etc. etc. Weighing up the advantages vs disadvantages she may well want to reconcile to keep all that she holds dear.

[somanymistakes]

She won't let him go b/c she knows he won't be alone but she will be. In her eyes, he will go on and be happy with the home wrecker while she's alone and left to pick up the pieces by herself.

 

yeah, and really, i ought to think nicer thoughts about her because I know this has to hurt, regardless of how damaged the marriage is it has to hurt.

 

it would be easier if it were just money, at least then i could imagine buying her off. so that was probably just an excuse on my part.

[purplesorrow]

Well as women, I think EAs hurt more than a PA. We know men can bang without feeling anything but for her, it has to be worse that he's so invested in you and it's not even physical. It's even worse that you 2 had a significant past and history.

 

I think for a lot of wives, they don't want to "lose" to the OW. I know I'll upset some people but it's the truth and nobody wants to admit it. As a wife, they feel superior. They have more power. And a lot of these WHs are too scared or too cowardly to man up and just walk away so he stays. This gives the wife the power again. She won't let him go b/c she knows he won't be alone but she will be. In her eyes, he will go on and be happy with the home wrecker while she's alone and left to pick up the pieces by herself. Again, I know I'll upset people but I stand by it.

 

I think in your MM's case this could be the case too. If any part of what you say is true, she seems capable of that type of manipulation. Not many women are able to be the bigger person and say "your heart isn't entirely here regardless of your physical presence so I'll go ahead and file and set us both free to be happy". I have to say, I don't even know if I'd be able to be that big so I'm not trying to offend anyone lol

 

Please don't speak for wives. None of these men need their wife's permission to divorce. They can all leave if they want to. They aren't prisoners and don't need to be set free. They are right where they want to be. I wasn't in a competition with the ow, there was nothing to lose. The last thing I was worried about was being alone.

[MidnightBlue1980]

haha no problem, there's too many threads around here to keep track of them all.

 

It's still an EA only and yes the wife knows about it.

 

I don't understand EAs to the point where someone would actually get divorced over someone they have not been in an actual relationship with. Seriously, look at what happened with me? I learned he had ED and could not get an erection. It's a common theme here. Sexual dysfunction. Just saying but why are you so involved with someone you know nothing about? I don't get it.

[BaileyB]

I don't understand EAs to the point where someone would actually get divorced over someone they have not been in an actual relationship with. Seriously, look at what happened with me? I learned he had ED and could not get an erection. It's a common theme here. Sexual dysfunction. Just saying but why are you so involved with someone you know nothing about? I don't get it.

 

Indeed. I can't imagine getting so involved with someone and trusting them enough to put my life on hold or affect important life decisions - when there has never been a true relationship or actual commitment. It makes no sense to me at all...

Edited August 6, 2017 by BaileyB

[somanymistakes]

We're kind of an unusual situation because we did have a real relationship ten years ago. We were together all through college. He wanted to marry me, I panicked and ruined everything because I couldn't handle the idea. I cheated on him, dumped him, and went off to date people who treated me as badly as I felt I deserved. I am not proud of that.

 

We were together, we've been 'friends' in contact ever since. So he's absolutely not "someone that I know nothing about".

 

Sure it's possible that his bits have mysteriously stopped working in the past ten years but somewhat unlikely and that's not why i love him anyway.

[JuneL]

Sorry, but I have to respond to this post. If this guy has any interest of trying to make his marriage work, why would he still be in touch with his affair partner? It's also a serious breach of privacy to share the very personal details of their marriage and marriage counseling with others.

 

 

So apparently he brought up the prospect of a trial separation in their MC, to either make or break the marriage. (As I've mentioned, a lengthy separation is required in order to file for divorce where we live.) She immediately decided to go visit her cousins for the month. Anything to avoid attending more MC sessions or having to actually talk to him.

 

What's the point of her even being married to him if she doesn't want to sleep with him, doesn't want to talk to him, doesn't even seem to want to be around him? Is it just about the money? I KNOW that's not fair but I can't help thinking it anyway, that maybe she's just dragging this out to make the marriage last longer so she'll be entitled to more alimony.

 

I mean, isn't the pattern supposed to be taking the wayward spouse off on a romantic vacation in a desperate attempt to reconnect?

[minimariah]

I think for a lot of wives, they don't want to "lose" to the OW.

 

this is a common misconception --- most of the time... it is the OW who competes and doesn't want to lose to the wife. one interesting thing: OWs always understand all of the WHYs their MM keeps staying in their marriage but they somehow cannot understand that those same reasons probably apply to the wife, too. SHE is staying for the very same reasons HE is staying - yet the OW usually expects HER to file and make a move, which is pretty much treating the MM as a helpless child who always needs others to decide for him.

 

What's the point of her even being married to him if she doesn't want to sleep with him, doesn't want to talk to him, doesn't even seem to want to be around him?

 

that is none of your business, honey. as simple as that.

 

in fact, it's SUPER CREEPY how invested you are in someone else's marriage. leave those people alone.

Edited August 9, 2017 by minimariah

[minimariah]

it would be easier if it were just money, at least then i could imagine buying her off. so that was probably just an excuse on my part.

 

it IS about the money because they don't have any children together. he has a very EASY way out and he's not taking it for a reason. it's funny how you think SHE is the one who is dragging her feet when in reality - he could've divorced about ten times by now.

[ladydesigner]

Please don't speak for wives. None of these men need their wife's permission to divorce. They can all leave if they want to. They aren't prisoners and don't need to be set free. They are right where they want to be. I wasn't in a competition with the ow, there was nothing to lose. The last thing I was worried about was being alone.

 

Exactly I more or less just wanted the truth and for him to be gone, but my WH kept dragging me back into the M for more fun

[somanymistakes]

Sorry, but I have to respond to this post. If this guy has any interest of trying to make his marriage work, why would he still be in touch with his affair partner? It's also a serious breach of privacy to share the very personal details of their marriage and marriage counseling with others.

 

I repeatedly offered to go completely out of contact during the MC, he begged me not to.

 

And of course when I said at one point earlier that we were planning to go quiet while they did that, a few posters immediately jumped in with "see, see, he wants to get rid of you!" even though it was my idea in the first place.

 

I'm not getting details of what's happening in the counseling sessions. I mean, they've been going for months and I barely know anything. Yes, I know we shouldn't be talking at all, but considering that I want them to break up, I don't have a lot of incentive to be a martyr and withdraw.

 

So I'm sitting here patiently waiting for him to talk himself into pulling the plug. I'm not going to order him to do it. He needs to take charge of his own destiny.

 

 

And no, he could not have divorced ten times over by now, not legally, not where we live, and he can't legally throw her out, either. He has to either convince her to go or move out himself.

 

Which he could do. He could just pack up and go while she's away, leave her a note on the table explaining his decision. It's harsh but people do it. So I'm not saying there's nothing he can do, because of course there is. He just has to want it enough.

 

So, which is more likely to happen by the time this thread is a year old, them finally separating or me finally giving up?

[somanymistakes]

that is none of your business, honey. as simple as that.

 

in fact, it's SUPER CREEPY how invested you are in someone else's marriage. leave those people alone.

 

Isn't it normal for an OW to be invested in someone else's marriage, though?

[wmacbride]

Isn't it normal for an OW to be invested in someone else's marriage, though?

 

:sick::sick:

 

um, please re-read this and really think about what you are saying and how bizarre it sounds. You making it sound like a jerry springer show.

[elaine567]

So, which is more likely to happen by the time this thread is a year old, them finally separating or me finally giving up?

 

Hopefully it will be you giving up, but I guess what WILL happen is absolutely nothing as far as turning this affair into a real, out in the open, primary relationship is concerned.

He will still be married and still "working things out with his wife" or he will still be saying "I love you, and I am definitely leaving her one day, just not yet" and you will be still in the same place, waiting and hoping...

In another year you and he may have managed to turn things physical, so you will be even more besotted, and he will still not consider you "wife material" and so will stick to his wife.

 

In a year, she may be pregnant or she may have already given birth...

[somanymistakes]

In another year you and he may have managed to turn things physical, so you will be even more besotted, and he will still not consider you "wife material" and so will stick to his wife.

 

In a year, she may be pregnant or she may have already given birth...

 

I know these are the standard patterns so it's normal to suggest them, but they don't seem very likely or reasonable in our situation. Neither of us is pushing for a physical affair. He's said many times he loves me too much to put me in the position of the side piece. The main way I can see it happening is if they do separate and we get together and then he changes his mind and goes back.

 

I'm not naive, I know that's a risk I'd be taking. After all, it's been many years since we were really a couple, and we may be romanticizing things a little too much, and there are some big complications and reasons that choosing me may not be a good idea. We might not work out. I know that. But that's a chance with any relationship. If it happens, it happens, and then it will be over.

 

As for her getting pregnant, well. I can't prove they're never, ever having sex. How would I prove that? But this isn't a relationship popping out a string of supposedly-oops babies. They've been married more than two years now, they were together a while before that. There has never been a pregnancy. Instead she pops up with substitutes for children, new pets, projects she wants them to take on together, family responsibilities, and so on. With that sort of behavior I would think that if she could get pregnant, she already would have.