Wife Is in Love with Her boss- I can't process it

[aliveagain]

Exposing her affair will likely result in the other man dumping her, that in turn will probably result in her running back to the safety of you. Do not take this as a victory but instead see it as an enforcement that your her fall back guy. This doesn't mean reconciliation isn't possible it just means that absolute remorse needs to be present and she needs to be willing to accept your conditions for reconciliation. The one that makes the first move will be in the weakest position to negotiate terms, you need her to make the first move or she probably won't accept what you will need from her to save the marriage. If she doesn't make the initial contact you will at least know where you stand and save yourself years of future pain. Stay strong.

[Adotta]

Think of it as a test. For years she was the one to mess with you and turn her back on you and you where the one to chase HER. Now it's your turn to turn your back and see if she chases. If she doesn't you have your answer on how important you where. I know it sucks to imagine the person you gave your heart and soul to wasn't all in for you. But do you want to live in a fake marriage with your head in the sand or what? This isn't uncommon bro. Alot of females grow up thinking of males as disposable tools. They are almost perfect actors and there is no downside to it. The law and society's up ports and condones this.

[DKT3]

Sandy, as much as I respect... your opinions and almost everything that you write, I could not disagree more.

 

In fact, even though you disagree with my wording, I think your post and choice of wording actually prove my point.

 

I believe that the wholesale emasculation of the male population in western countries is responsible for behavior like the OP's in this post.

 

Further I think that men and women, have no understanding of boundaries or actual self respect.

 

OP, in this case, has put his head in the sand for some time, when it was obvious that she was and has been cheating on him for some time.

 

Why is that?

 

Also, I am starting to think that when someone is caught cheating that the only course of action is divorce. I am not sure that either gender can maintain their self-respect and allow themselves to remain with the cheater.

 

There have been very few examples of an actual, apparently healthy, reconciliation. DTK is one of the few examples of this and a few others.

 

And DTK, decided on divorce eventually as his course of action. It was his wife and her post affair behavior that allow them to come back together.

 

In this situation, in his heart this OP knows that his wife has been sleeping around and he has chosen to keep his head in the sand. He is, in fact, allowing himself to be a cuckold. Unless that is his fetish, I don't think that is actually what he wants for his life.

 

Then why, has he allowed himself to be a part of this marriage?

 

Short answer, he needs to turn in his man card. I am not sure that there a better why to say it...

 

It wasn't easy, it was the most agonizing 14 months of my life between finding out and filing for divorce. It's why it's hard for me to see a BS struggle with this because I remember that pain and inability to be comfortable with any decisions, too much fear in either choice.

 

I'm not sure that the Mrs and myself are great examples, we did some unhealthy ish to get to this point. Really, it was dumb luck

[Maraud3r]

Call it whatever you want but I am not trying to ruin her. She does work too and albeit I am the breadwinner it's her money too. I am not saying it needs to be 50/50 but I am not going to ruin her.

No but she will likely try to ruin you. She has already shown her true colours. This is going to turn nasty no matter what and each inch of ground you give now is one she doesn't have to take later when she goes for your jugular.

[b2121]

She litterally can't ruin me financially. I have control and singular access to over eighty percent of my funds but if push comes to shove I'll be ready to go.

 

I think the information about who will she be in a year and five years is really good though and never thought of it like that. Her mom and dad want me to go to California with them this week while wife is with them on a trip. I explained that that's the opposite of what she needs right now and needs to lose her safety net. My fear is they still brought it up with her which I can't control

[Adotta]

She litterally can't ruin me financially. I have control and singular access to over eighty percent of my funds but if push comes to shove I'll be ready to go.

 

I think the information about who will she be in a year and five years is really good though and never thought of it like that. Her mom and dad want me to go to California with them this week while wife is with them on a trip. I explained that that's the opposite of what she needs right now and needs to lose her safety net. My fear is they still brought it up with her which I can't control

 

Your not letting on that this new 180 and shift of priorities is in any way to effect her or change her mind are you? You have completely missed the point in a few ways if you are.

 

This isn't about effecting her. Not upfront at least and not even mostly. The effects on her are really just a side effect. Secondary. Something maybe hoped for but not to be expected.

 

If your doing this to effect her you are still giving her power. Both in HER mind AND YOURS. If this is true once you forgive her and she seems to have come back to you, you will end up taking second seat in this relationship. You will be beside yourself back in love with her and your mindset will revert back to the sacrifice everything, believe every word she says, love conquers all bull crap. You will put your blinders on again.

 

For your sake you have to do this for YOU. It's about finding respect for yourself and not letting ANYONE mistreat you. Not even those you love.

 

Her coming back because of these changes does not really matter in the end. You might actually find you detest her and don't respect her if you do a PROPER 180 and she comes back begging like a scolded dog.

 

I feel like at times that while you understand you need to respect yourself more, you still hold her on a pedestal. Like this 180 is one big way to get her back. I know alot of people myself included have been kind of using getting her back as bait to push you towards this. And while it is the best chance at getting her back in any fashion that keeps your own self respect as well as gets some respect from her, it's not really what's most important.

 

If you do this properly even if she never comes back you will be able to look back and possibly say "THANK GOD she didn't come back. I was so much better off without her!". Or even just "i never needed her".

 

I've been devouring threads on this site for a while now. One thing I see alot of BS express is the fear of the unknown. "What if I can't find another? What will it be like without her/him. How can I go on?"

 

I don't know how to defeat these demons. I don't have that answer. I've never been in your shoes. I've never been married. But you can't let that feeling control you.

 

Also I don't remember if anyone suggested counciling. Some of them can be a waste of time from what I understand but some can be great! You can always shop around. Think of it as somone to bounce ideas off. It helps to have somone trained to talk to. If you don't like your councilor. find a knew one. I used to detest the idea of a coucilor. I thought they where for weak minded people. But if your on this board you have already admited to your self that there are some things you can't solve alone. At least not easily.

Edited March 4, 2018 by Adotta

[b2121]

No i'm legit `100 percent done with her. I just talked to her and i ****ed up the 180 because she pissed me off so bad I lost my cool but without going into what she did it just ****ing hit a nerve and I am done. I don't want to be with her, she makes me so ****ing unhappy.

 

There is nothing she could ever do to change it. I'll stick with the 180 for me alone, but I officially hate her and realize she is a ****ing toxic bitch who plays games and is so blind she can't see it.

 

I told her to pick her **** up tomorrow or it will stay on the porch and to not be surprised when our checking account is depleted tomorrow.

[Adotta]

No i'm legit `100 percent done with her. I just talked to her and i ****ed up the 180 because she pissed me off so bad I lost my cool but without going into what she did it just ****ing hit a nerve and I am done. I don't want to be with her, she makes me so ****ing unhappy.

 

There is nothing she could ever do to change it. I'll stick with the 180 for me alone, but I officially hate her and realize she is a ****ing toxic bitch who plays games and is so blind she can't see it.

 

I told her to pick her **** up tomorrow or it will stay on the porch and to not be surprised when our checking account is depleted tomorrow.

 

This is good. Hopefully one day you get to the point of indifference. She really doesn't even deserve your anger. If you hold your rage and anger for her for the long term you are still allowing her to control you in a way.

 

Also she is likely to come back. Keep to this path when she does. She will do everything in her power to convince you she is a changed person. In all likely hood she will find out life is harder without you and want you back. It's pretty common.

 

Don't do anything you will regret. Use your logic before your heart. Go to war in the courtroom and make sure she gets as little as you deem ok. don't be vindictive and post on her Facebook or go out of your way to mess up her life. Cut her out protect yourself and move on. She ain't worth the time and effort.

[Marc878]

No i'm legit `100 percent done with her. I just talked to her and i ****ed up the 180 because she pissed me off so bad I lost my cool but without going into what she did it just ****ing hit a nerve and I am done. I don't want to be with her, she makes me so ****ing unhappy.

 

There is nothing she could ever do to change it. I'll stick with the 180 for me alone, but I officially hate her and realize she is a ****ing toxic bitch who plays games and is so blind she can't see it.

 

I told her to pick her **** up tomorrow or it will stay on the porch and to not be surprised when our checking account is depleted tomorrow.

 

Stop telling her anything. Your actions will speak louder.

 

Now she has a chance to empty your accounts before you get to them

[S2B]

So you tipped her off about your joint account now. You better go move that money online right now - because if you wait until tomorrow you can be sure she will beat you to moving it.

 

Go online...move it over now. Leave her ten dollars - nothing more. She's a big girl and can earn her own money.

 

 

And stop showing her your hand! Just stop that - it gives her the chance to use you even more than she is now.

[BMI03]

...and to not be surprised when our checking account is depleted tomorrow.

 

Stop telling her s**t! You are acting on emotion and saying things like this in an attempt to hurt her back, but it's not going to do you any good. It's just tipping her off to your actions ahead of time so she can put up a better defense. Don't sabotage yourself!

 

Have you told his wife yet?

[wmacbride]

Stop telling her s**t! You are acting on emotion and saying things like this in an attempt to hurt her back, but it's not going to do you any good. It's just tipping her off to your actions ahead of time so she can put up a better defense. Don't sabotage yourself!

 

Have you told his wife yet?

 

 

While I agree that this man's wife should be informed, it might be a good idea, for the op's own peace of mind, to hold off until he is on a better emotional footing.

 

When om's wife finds out, he may well go into full damage control mode, and if eh does, that means the ww may well be turfed. If she is, she'll come slinking back to the op, and if he is still processing all of this, he may be vulnerable to any lines (lies) she tells.

[S2B]

While I agree that this man's wife should be informed, it might be a good idea, for the op's own peace of mind, to hold off until he is on a better emotional footing.

 

When om's wife finds out, he may well go into full damage control mode, and if eh does, that means the ww may well be turfed. If she is, she'll come slinking back to the op, and if he is still processing all of this, he may be vulnerable to any lines (lies) she tells.

 

I agree, his wife deserves to know who she's really married to as well.

 

Tell her in person.

[Vincentstreet]

I dont mean to be offensive... I have read some frustrating posts but this was easily the worst. Your indecisiveness and lack of self-appreciation for is not nice to read. With all due respect... unless you take some drastic steps and man up in your attitude you are likely to make bad choices even in your next partner and end up here again. Your wayward wife does not see you as her protector and strength and thus likely why she feels no consequences for giving it up so easily to others. She has zero respect for you. I read somewhere recently that there is a difference between being a nice guy and a 'doormat". I get the impression that though you say otherwise, you still have hopes that she will come back to you. You need to understand that she is the enemy here. Courageous bold but calculated moves will prove decisive from this point onward. No sympathy my friend. Do not show her weakness in character... do not call or contact her.. do it via lawyers. If you can prove infidelity.. surely she cant talk half your assets? Its time to play hard ball and prove to yourself that you are a man that commands respect. Be strong. You can do this!!!

[Try]

With all due respect... unless you take some drastic steps and man up in your attitude you are likely to make bad choices even in your next partner and end up here again.

You say to the OP "with all due respect" when in fact he has acted so weak that he is due no respect, which is why his wife is acting this way. Since we on this site we should treat everyone with respect even if they are no due any, the correct statement to the OP would "be with all respect" (even if you are not due any).

[Adotta]

Guys come on. Don't rip the guy a new one. You can't flip a switch and change instantly. Alot of people have been where this guy is right now and he IS starting to get the picture.

 

It can be extremely hard to do this. When you love somone so much it can blind you. Not to mention current society trains men to be like this. It doesn't let men be men anymore. It shames us for being leaders and doers and taking charge and not taking ****. Current society wants men to be more like women. They forget the drive to compete and conquer is what got humanity to this point. We didn't do it without women but we both had our roles. Those roles are now being shaved away little by little.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, Adotta is right. There used to be a saying not much in use these days which stated, 'Behind every successful man there is a woman'. That saying is now part of history. Men are becoming what is termed 'Metrosexual' and women,, especially those in positions of authority are more masculine than feminine. It is not their fault. The position dictates that trait but sadly, it is as if a rose were to lose it's sweet aroma. Outwardly it may look like a rose but the allure is gone. Just a thought triggered by what Adotta had to say. Sorry for the thread jack. Warm wishes.

[Colin Grant]

No i'm legit `100 percent done with her. I just talked to her and i ****ed up the 180 because she pissed me off so bad I lost my cool but without going into what she did it just ****ing hit a nerve and I am done. I don't want to be with her, she makes me so ****ing unhappy.

 

There is nothing she could ever do to change it. I'll stick with the 180 for me alone, but I officially hate her and realize she is a ****ing toxic bitch who plays games and is so blind she can't see it.

 

I told her to pick her **** up tomorrow or it will stay on the porch and to not be surprised when our checking account is depleted tomorrow.

 

Change often doesn't come until a person is mad and can't take it anymore. Be happy at being mad. Now the challenge is to stay mad so that you can complete the changes that need to be made. Anger isn't an emotion I typically endorse, but in some instances it's warranted. This is one IMO.