Wife Is in Love with Her boss- I can't process it

[b2121]

Fair points on all the above and again my thanks to everyone here because it's just hard to talk to family or friends about this stuff.

 

I hope I can, in turn, pay it back to others when i get through to the other end.

 

It's really therapeutic and really is helping me get my mind right that I need to love myself so my thanks to everyone again, sincerely.

[Bufo]

It’s time to consult with a lawyer/solicitor to learn the true facts about divorce and it’s financial aftermath. To learn what steps are legal to protect yourself and your assets. Learn what female tricks of the trade you may experience.

 

Knowledge equals power. Get that knowledge. Even if you don’t think you’ll ever file for divorce. And don’t share it with her.

[Adotta]

When you informed her of what you would expect should she come back you maybe played that card to early. It broadcasted to her that while you may be looking out for yourself now you will still take her back. It's giving her a window of sorts. She now knows that she has time to pursue this boss and if that falls through she can still go back to you. The requirement should have been no contact quit her job THIS moment. And yes she will have to quit this job. There should be no bargaining on this point. She will try to tell you she has it under control.

 

Another equipment should be full and detailed truth. She had sex with this man. The likely hood of that not happening is shockingly low. Get a polygraph test. They are not perfect but can usually get parking lot confessions. Don't give her advanced warnings. If she fights you on these things you require immediately go back to proceeding to divorce. She HAS to see your not going to put up with bull crap. You have to be like steel. Softening up is for much later. After she proves herself a safe wife.

 

Even if you do this she may still leave. But this seems to work best to give you the best chances. Men who take cheaters back easily and rug sweep get cheated on again or thier wives compliance they don't respect them any more. There are a couple women on these boards who admit to losing respect because thier hubby begged them back or because it was too easy to come back to him. Make it hard for her! Make her prove she will fight for you... to be with you. She has to sacrifice SOMETHING.

[sandylee1]

One really good thing...well two actually...but firstly you don't have kids together... meaning when/if you get divorced...you can erase her from your life and the other thing...you're very smart with protecting your investments.

 

The person who cares the least in a relationship has the most power.

 

That's been her in your relationship from before you got married.

[BMI03]

Fair points on all the above and again my thanks to everyone here because it's just hard to talk to family or friends about this stuff.

 

I hope I can, in turn, pay it back to others when i get through to the other end.

 

It's really therapeutic and really is helping me get my mind right that I need to love myself so my thanks to everyone again, sincerely.

 

You are doing good...starting to see the reality in front of you. And glad you see the points on not knowing her. If you go back to your post about her spending the night at that guys house and re-read your words, you will see that it was full of 'she would never's and 'I have no reason to expect's. You thought you knew her then too, right? So don't make that mistake for one more day. She's unpredictable.

 

Also, I don't mean to be cruel to drive this point home, but I see in your words you are still grasping for the hope that this hasn't turned physical. You asked why would she not tell the truth about that since saying she is in love with him is so much worse. The answer is that she still wants to paint her own self reflection as one of a good person. She still wants to maintain image. Falling in love could be argued as innocent. I bet when she explained it to you she almost sounded victim to it. As if it wasn't her fault; she wished she didn't feel this way; she fought it but can't help it and wanted to do the right thing by telling you. All of this is meant to maintain her status as a good girl.

 

Truth is that she is lying to you to save face. She slept with him. She has slept with others like him before. But she would rather not face the shame in that and admit it. She may give you more info at some point. But always assume that what she is sharing is only as much as she thinks she needs to in order to make you believe her to be truthful, while limiting the pain and consequences of her actions. She is NOT looking out for your best interest...she is looking out for herself.

 

As for telling the wife, don't look at it the way you are in that YOU would be ruining anything. This is NOT your fault! You are just opening her eyes to the reality of the situation. They are ruined already. I made this analogy to someone here before, but if someone had cancer and you knew, would you tell them? Is your telling them the cause of their pain? Or are you just sharing the reality of the situation so they can manage and deal with it? Same thing in my eyes. Maybe you don't have full on proof, but you share what you do know. That your wife has expressed that she is in love with her husband, and that they travel for work frequently, spending the full days together, and that you have kicked her out of the house for the details she has described to you. Then she has the correct info to do her own investigation and make her own informed decision about her future, whatever direction that may be.

 

And good on you for telling her parents. They may be on your side now, but don't be shocked and hurt too much when things get bad and they cut you off. They have the unfortunate obligation to support their daughter no matter how wrong they think she is, and likely will. It isn't a knock at you.

 

You are moving in the right direction. Keep up the good work and stay strong. There are many opportunities out there for you.

[BMI03]

When you informed her of what you would expect should she come back you maybe played that card to early. It broadcasted to her that while you may be looking out for yourself now you will still take her back.

 

Agreed! Right now she needs to know that her actions have put her on the road to divorce-land, no U-turns, no stopping. She NEEDS to believe that no matter whether it is true or not, for her to check her behavior and change things. Otherwise she can take it like you are willing to stand in holding pattern until she decides...she is in control in that scenario, not you.

 

Your best chance, at both individual happiness AND a remorseful wife (if you want that) is to make plans for the future without her and make that obvious to her with divorce papers.

[BluesPower]

Fair points on all the above and again my thanks to everyone here because it's just hard to talk to family or friends about this stuff.

 

I hope I can, in turn, pay it back to others when i get through to the other end.

 

It's really therapeutic and really is helping me get my mind right that I need to love myself so my thanks to everyone again, sincerely.

 

This is the healthiest thing you have written in all of your threads. And that is saying a lot.

 

Could it be that you are starting to realize that you have had your head in the sand for years and now you are actually looking around to see what is going on.

 

I am proud of you that you are starting to wake up a little.

 

But just like the last few posters have said, you really don't know your wife.

 

You have been in denial so long about her affairs that you really don't know her at all.

 

The thing you really need to be worried about is this... What is she going to do or going to act like when she finally understands that you are done with her?

 

That is what you have to watch out for. Right now, she think that you may put her out for a while, but she may not realize that you are really done.

 

That is when people actually freak out... it can be scary.

[BluesPower]

Agreed! Right now she needs to know that her actions have put her on the road to divorce-land, no U-turns, no stopping. She NEEDS to believe that no matter whether it is true or not, for her to check her behavior and change things. Otherwise she can take it like you are willing to stand in holding pattern until she decides...she is in control in that scenario, not you.

 

Your best chance, at both individual happiness AND a remorseful wife (if you want that) is to make plans for the future without her and make that obvious to her with divorce papers.

 

Just saying... while op thinks he may want her back, in a few weeks or months he will start to realize how much she has used him for years.

 

Then he will understand that he never wants to see her again.

 

So, I just think everyone should read the old threads of his. His wife has cheated (physically) with god knows how many guys through out and before their marriage.

 

He cannot admit this to himself fully yet, but I think soon he will get there.

 

I think if everyone looks at his older stuff you may come to the conclusion as others that he really need to get away from this woman and stay away...

[BMI03]

That is what you have to watch out for. Right now, she think that you may put her out for a while, but she may not realize that you are really done.

 

That is when people actually freak out... it can be scary.

 

Exactly! Even if you are still having a hard time getting use to the idea that you don't know her, even you have to admit that you don't know how she will act under those circumstances.

 

When going through my divorce, I had to think this way. As amicable as everything was while working out our separation agreement, some good advice I received from my lawyer was this: 'you say you know her today, and I will not debate that, but approach your separation agreement like you are creating an agreement with the ex wife that will exist a year from now; two years from now; five years from now....we can all agree you don't know THAT person'. It was wise words that have set my up right for future debates that would have otherwise come my way but did not because I protected myself. Treat your wife the same now...a stranger today, and an unknown person of the future who you can't predict the actions of.

[wmacbride]

I would also caution you that she might go traipsing off to her om/mm, full of enthusiasm that she is now "free". That may well be that last news he wants to hear, and she stands a good chance of ending up finding herself without him.

 

If that happens, be aware that she might come back to you, full of faux remorse and regret. She knows ( or at least, she thinks she does) just what to say to you to bring you to her side. Be prepared for this possibility, and that her words are likely not genuine.

[Adotta]

Also the fact she thought you where just messing with her when you told her to get her own account shows you exactly how in her pocket you are.

 

Try this. Look back on the entirety of your relationship. Who was the initiater? Who chased who? Who fualt the most to stay together. I'm guessing you probably did all the romance making. When one person gets it in thier head that they are the one of higher status , that they are the one who has to be won, it gives them power. They get a big head and think you will worship the ground they walk on. Who kisses who? Who hugs who? Think on it hard. if this rings as true as I think it will, it means she thinks anything she gives you is a gift from her on high position.

 

You need to crush that thought of hers. She thinks you can't live without her. Show her she is DEAD WRONG. From the sound of it you are a successful guy. You CAN find another. Maybe that's not what you want, but you have to show her you CAN do it.

 

If all this works don't break the second she comes back begging for you to take her back. Give her the cold shoulder. Let time and effort prove the veracity of her claims. And for God's sake don't accept her bull**** lies.

 

Go into her phone email and anything else. She probably deleted the evidence but it can be recovered if to much time hasn't passed and the data hasn't been over written with new data. When you delete somthing you are not actually deleting it. The programing just tags that sector of data as disposable and rerites over it little by little with new data. You need the truth. If she won't give it to you you need to dig. Also if she trickle truths you put your foot down. No more trickle truth. Don't reveal every detail you know. Just a little bit. See if that scares her into confessing more. As long as she lies she is NOT serious about coming back to you.

[BMI03]

Just saying... while op thinks he may want her back, in a few weeks or months he will start to realize how much she has used him for years.

 

Then he will understand that he never wants to see her again.

 

So, I just think everyone should read the old threads of his. His wife has cheated (physically) with god knows how many guys through out and before their marriage.

 

He cannot admit this to himself fully yet, but I think soon he will get there.

 

I think if everyone looks at his older stuff you may come to the conclusion as others that he really need to get away from this woman and stay away...

 

Agreed. He will be best served to go his own way, no doubt. Not sure he has bought into that yet but that would serve him best.

[BMI03]

I would also caution you that she might go traipsing off to her om/mm, full of enthusiasm that she is now "free". That may well be that last news he wants to hear, and she stands a good chance of ending up finding herself without him.

 

If that happens, be aware that she might come back to you, full of faux remorse and regret. She knows ( or at least, she thinks she does) just what to say to you to bring you to her side. Be prepared for this possibility, and that her words are likely not genuine.

 

This is good advice. She knows she has you weak in the knees for her. She thinks she can get you back any time she wants (and she may unfortunately be right). You need to crush this confidence, and if this takes place, don't fall for it. Think about the break you described in your earlier post...did you take her back too easily? Did she control whether you got back together or not?

[BluesPower]

I would also caution you that she might go traipsing off to her om/mm, full of enthusiasm that she is now "free". That may well be that last news he wants to hear, and she stands a good chance of ending up finding herself without him.

 

If that happens, be aware that she might come back to you, full of faux remorse and regret. She knows ( or at least, she thinks she does) just what to say to you to bring you to her side. Be prepared for this possibility, and that her words are likely not genuine.

 

I actually was afraid to tell him that... just yet.

 

It is not might, it is assured. When she figures out that he is done, at first she will be really happy.

 

And, she will tell her OM that she has her own apt and he can come over when ever he wants. So she will be ecstatic at first.

 

Then she is going to ask him, so when are you going to start your divorce, and THEN she will figure out that he has never and he will never have the intention of leaving his wife.

 

THAT is when she is going to figure it out. I just hope the divorce is done by then and OP can hopefully be moving on with his life...

[b2121]

This is the healthiest thing you have written in all of your threads. And that is saying a lot.

 

Could it be that you are starting to realize that you have had your head in the sand for years and now you are actually looking around to see what is going on.

 

I am proud of you that you are starting to wake up a little.

 

But just like the last few posters have said, you really don't know your wife.

 

You have been in denial so long about her affairs that you really don't know her at all.

 

The thing you really need to be worried about is this... What is she going to do or going to act like when she finally understands that you are done with her?

 

That is what you have to watch out for. Right now, she think that you may put her out for a while, but she may not realize that you are really done.

 

That is when people actually freak out... it can be scary.

 

Yea I hear you, I am not even going to think about it because I am trying to think about how she doesn't want me and that I don't owe it to her to change that and that thinking about it is false hope or putting one foot in and one foot out.

 

When we talked, even removing this guy from the situation is not the end all be all. She does have legit concerns that I need to address now for my own self and things that I wish I would have known about before because they are fair points about things to have grievances about-BUT they don't excuse the fact she fell in love with another guy. She thinks that he becomes a false narrative and that the issue is our relationship.

 

Even her dad agreed and said to her once you mentioned another guys name the cat's out of the bag and that can be the only narrative moving forward.

[BluesPower]

Yea I hear you, I am not even going to think about it because I am trying to think about how she doesn't want me and that I don't owe it to her to change that and that thinking about it is false hope or putting one foot in and one foot out.

 

When we talked, even removing this guy from the situation is not the end all be all. She does have legit concerns that I need to address now for my own self and things that I wish I would have known about before because they are fair points about things to have grievances about-BUT they don't excuse the fact she fell in love with another guy. She thinks that he becomes a false narrative and that the issue is our relationship.

 

Even her dad agreed and said to her once you mentioned another guys name the cat's out of the bag and that can be the only narrative moving forward.

 

What you don't know...is that the things that she is saying are standard for cheaters.

 

You see, if she does not bring up any bad points that you have, she cannot carry the guilt, if she even has any, about what she has been doing to you.

 

It is a common technique that cheaters use to make themselves feel better.

 

Now, the line above (in bold), this is something that you need to stop yesterday.

 

Even on the internet, to a forum of strangers, you cannot type out that she is and has been having sex with a variety of men through out your entire marriage.

 

This is something that you have got to come to terms with. It is doing you no good to lie to yourself.

 

You need to stop this for your own good...

[b2121]

What you don't know...is that the things that she is saying are standard for cheaters.

 

You see, if she does not bring up any bad points that you have, she cannot carry the guilt, if she even has any, about what she has been doing to you.

 

It is a common technique that cheaters use to make themselves feel better.

 

Now, the line above (in bold), this is something that you need to stop yesterday.

 

Even on the internet, to a forum of strangers, you cannot type out that she is and has been having sex with a variety of men through out your entire marriage.

 

This is something that you have got to come to terms with. It is doing you no good to lie to yourself.

 

You need to stop this for your own good...

 

I agree completely. She found the bad in our relationship and still does purely as a coping mechanism. I have no delusion there. The points she brought up even if misguided are things I want to fix for myself and my potential next partner, not her alone. I didn't mean it as me bending the knee just that I can improve myself for me

[BMI03]

You see, if she does not bring up any bad points that you have, she cannot carry the guilt, if she even has any, about what she has been doing to you.

 

This goes hand in hand with my point as to why she will not admit more. Because she still has an internal urge to justify to herself that she is not a bad person. And to make sure that is still the outward frame she is in to the outside world.

 

Something as rotten as cheating is pure selfishness, period. If there are marriage problems, you deal with them. This is her trying to put blame anywhere but herself so that she controls the power position. This is her way to justify to herself that whatever bad actions she carries out, she has reason to do so. Bull S**t! It just makes her feel better about herself so she doesn't have to see herself for what she truly is...a dirty cheat.

Edited March 2, 2018 by BMI03

[Adotta]

Yea I hear you, I am not even going to think about it because I am trying to think about how she doesn't want me and that I don't owe it to her to change that and that thinking about it is false hope or putting one foot in and one foot out.

 

When we talked, even removing this guy from the situation is not the end all be all. She does have legit concerns that I need to address now for my own self and things that I wish I would have known about before because they are fair points about things to have grievances about-BUT they don't excuse the fact she fell in love with another guy. She thinks that he becomes a false narrative and that the issue is our relationship.

 

Even her dad agreed and said to her once you mentioned another guys name the cat's out of the bag and that can be the only narrative moving forward.

 

Good thinking. Don't let her blame you. Don't you dare! She will try to make it seem like her cheating is just a symptom of YOUR actions. Don't let her. My grandmother was married to the MONSTER that is my grandfather and she had to much self esteem to cheat. And buddy that's what this is. SHE CHEATED. Move foward assuming that because it's likely the truth. She has had poor boundaries and a lack of respect for you for to long to have not cheated. Even the way she handled the car pool incident shows she lacked respect. A good wife would have understood your concern and put an end to that whole thing.

 

Also ask yourself WHY NOW?! Why does she bring up these problems NOW? She is trying to shift blame. You can take responsibility for your own poor actions but DO NOT LET HER CONNECT THIS WITH THAT. They are NOT connected. She has had YEARS to bring up these concerns. She didnt. That alone shows how dysfunctional she is. I good spouse speaks thier concerns. They don't bottle them up and wait till the worst possible time to reveal them!

Edited March 2, 2018 by Adotta

[b2121]

100 percent. And I told her this at first, which I wish I could all redo. I ****ing did the complete opposite of what I wanted to in hindsight.

 

I cried, I begged, I pleaded and just was a ****ing bitch, least sexy thing ever. But I get it now, never again.

 

It's obvious in hindsight, how is a woman who is not into you going to want you when you are acting like that. I did it in college too and I think i paved the way for this behavior and I just wish I wouldn't have. I can't take it back though so it is what it is

[aliveagain]

We have all made our share of mistakes, begging is a natural reaction when your traumatized and totally blindsided by the one you trust the most. That was the old you, the new you has stainless steel b*lls and a pit bull for a lawyer. Don't expect too much help from her parents, who knows what she's told them, besides, no matter what she's done they will always support her. Daddy's probably setting her up with a lawyer as I write you. There is a very good chance that she left the marriage a long time ago but wanted you to pull the plug making her the martyr rather then the cheating wife.

 

Hold on to any screen shots you have of her confessing her feelings for other men, you'll need them for your lawyer. If your in a no fault state and there are no children involved it shouldn't be too complicated sorting out your affairs. Be careful she doesn't hang you with a pile of debt, this is why you need to speak to a lawyer(can't say that enough times). You've drawn your line in the sand now defend it. If you move the line you will loose all the credibility you just won. Whatever you say you need to be prepared to enforce. Hang in there, her calls and texts should start soon. Don't forget the other man's wife, let her know your concerns.

[b2121]

We have all made our share of mistakes, begging is a natural reaction when your traumatized and totally blindsided by the one you trust the most. That was the old you, the new you has stainless steel b*lls and a pit bull for a lawyer. Don't expect too much help from her parents, who knows what she's told them, besides, no matter what she's done they will always support her. Daddy's probably setting her up with a lawyer as I write you. There is a very good chance that she left the marriage a long time ago but wanted you to pull the plug making her the martyr rather then the cheating wife.

 

Hold on to any screen shots you have of her confessing her feelings for other men, you'll need them for your lawyer. If your in a no fault state and there are no children involved it shouldn't be too complicated sorting out your affairs. Be careful she doesn't hang you with a pile of debt, this is why you need to speak to a lawyer(can't say that enough times). You've drawn your line in the sand now defend it. If you move the line you will loose all the credibility you just won. Whatever you say you need to be prepared to enforce. Hang in there, her calls and texts should start soon. Don't forget the other man's wife, let her know your concerns.

 

Thank's man, Appreciate it! I already deleted her number just so if I even think of calling her i have to manually type the number in and think about it which I won't do.

 

I am not even going to tell her to not bother with reaching out tomorrow. I am just going to let her reach out and not get back to her, something she has plenty of practice in doing but not receiving. If she wants to beg she can start there

[S2B]

Leaving her with access to 15k is a pretty nice reward for bad behavior!

 

Personally, I'd leave her access to near nothing...and make her fight to get that 15k - even if she hires an attorney - why make it so easy for her when she cheated?

[b2121]

Leaving her with access to 15k is a pretty nice reward for bad behavior!

 

Personally, I'd leave her access to near nothing...and make her fight to get that 15k - even if she hires an attorney - why make it so easy for her when she cheated?

 

Call it whatever you want but I am not trying to ruin her. She does work too and albeit I am the breadwinner it's her money too. I am not saying it needs to be 50/50 but I am not going to ruin her.

[wmacbride]

Call it whatever you want but I am not trying to ruin her. She does work too and albeit I am the breadwinner it's her money too. I am not saying it needs to be 50/50 but I am not going to ruin her.

 

If this is what you need to do to walk away from the crap storm with your head held high, then it might well be a small price to pay.

 

I'm glad you are not falling for her " you made me do it" routine. That's so common, and when a ws trots that out, it just shows they have no insight into their own behavior.

 

There are lots of men and women out there who have less than stellar mates. In your case, you look at your issues as things to address so you'll be a better relationship partner. She uses them as justification to cheat.

 

Some cheaters can reform. they will realize they have been acting badly, take responsibility and go through the steps needed to change. It's hard work and can take a lot of courage. Your wife isn't doing that at all. She trues to blame you...and you know what? Even if you were less than stellar, is she so easily led into the arms of another man? If so, then why would you want her and how can you ever trust her anyway?