Wife Is in Love with Her boss- I can't process it

[GorillaTheater]

I hear you on everything i really do. My point is my wife is the issue. She can be dead to me. I am just asking the question, will it not ruin this other family? I am already ****ed, I am just trying to think of a one year old child here.

 

 

You won't be blowing up that family, the OM already did that. All your doing is letting her know who she's married to so that she can make some informed decisions in her life. She should have that right, right?

[b2121]

So send her a FB message? And if you don't mind, what would you literally say?

[Mr. Lucky]

And if you don't mind, what would you literally say?

 

I'd start with the truth. Trust me, in these cases that will give his BS plenty to think about...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aliveagain]

I'll ask you and the group here, you really think it's ok to message the wife?

 

I know you think they are ****ing, but if they aren't i just ruined a familly life because my wife is a selfish child. I feel like that's crossing a line no?

 

I don't know of any women that would be willing to loose their marriage on a maybe, something is going on. The least is an emotional affair. When a grown woman spends a night at another man's home it isn't because she forgot how to call her husband to come pick her up. Decide if her job or your marriage is more important to you then act on it. Exposure kills affairs. Her boss will throw her under the bus in a micro second to save his a$$ from a very costly divorce. You can't keep going through the same sh*t with her expecting different results. If doing nothing didn't work before it isn't going to work now.

 

Why do you want to keep taking someone back that continuously hurts you? Time to try something new, tell her dad to come and get her because you refuse to be married to someone that is in love with another man. No further explanation is necessary, he's an adult and understands what that means. Why are you giving her so much control of what happens to you in your life when you know she has no respect for you? Give her back your wedding ring, it's tainted with the stench of her infidelity.

[b2121]

i hear you loud and clear, it's just hard to come to terms with. I am going to tell her she is not permitted to stay at the apartment today and she can pick her things up saturday while i am away with the dog.

 

I was supposed to go to counseling with her next wed. Should I cancel that?

[aliveagain]

i hear you loud and clear, it's just hard to come to terms with. I am going to tell her she is not permitted to stay at the apartment today and she can pick her things up saturday while i am away with the dog.

 

I was supposed to go to counseling with her next wed. Should I cancel that?

 

Counselling is useless if she is in an affair. Counselling only works if your both committed to the marriage, she has made it very clear that she is not. Women that respect their husbands don't treat their husbands the way she is treating you. Best friends do not treat their friends the way she is treating you. The only way a marriage works is if your both invested in it equally. Your hardly over the honeymoon and she's already been in love with a couple of guys. Why stay married to someone that is trying to find a replacement for you? You didn't marry her part time so don't let her treat you that way, Your too worried about loosing her and all she has done is shown you she is already gone. Don't devalue yourself because she will do to you what you allow her to do. Each time she sinks your relationship to a new low that becomes your new standard. She's just not meeting your standards my friend(she's not even trying) so get rid of her.

[b2121]

I just have this fear that I am never going to find someone as pretty or smart etc. It's irrational-I am attractive, smart, successful but being with her since i was basically a kid i don't even know how dating works. I know that's thinking a bit ahead but like, ****ing tinder and ****? Makes me so depressed.

[BluesPower]

I just have this fear that I am never going to find someone as pretty or smart etc. It's irrational-I am attractive, smart, successful but being with her since i was basically a kid i don't even know how dating works. I know that's thinking a bit ahead but like, ****ing tinder and ****? Makes me so depressed.

 

You know what... when you heal from this. And get your self confidence back, and start feeling like a man, you will be amazed at the number of women just like you described will be out there.

 

And those women, will not be a serial cheater that sleeps around on you with multiple men.

 

You just have to get through this, the rest will work out...

[WilyWill]

As long as you keep showing her that you're not worthy of respect, she'll believe you. She won't respect you and won't be attracted to you as a man. The way to get your wife back is to start divorce proceedings, ironically. It might not work--she might go through with the divorce. You just have to be prepared for that.

 

You need to inform the man's wife. She has a right to know. At this point he'll dump your wife and she'll be facing a life without you and without him. This might finally make her see the light and work towards winning you back. You'll have to decide whether you're her second choice, and whether you're willing to live that way.

[wmacbride]

I just have this fear that I am never going to find someone as pretty or smart etc. It's irrational-I am attractive, smart, successful but being with her since i was basically a kid i don't even know how dating works. I know that's thinking a bit ahead but like, ****ing tinder and ****? Makes me so depressed.

 

Bud,

 

There is a song lyric that goes " she ain't pretty, she just looks that way". That describes your wife.

 

This is a woman who is sleeping around behind your back and then exposing you to a plethora of diseases ( and no, condoms don't protect you from everything) without so much as a care in the world. She cares about your mental health? My ass she cares about that. If she did, she would have the decency to walk away, yet she would rather stay, expose you to potentially god knows what both physically and mentally because it gives her the jollies to think she can have you and the guys on the side too?

 

I hate to say this or even think it about another person, but I really believe she gets off on sneaking behind your back, and even more so on the idea that she is hurting you. It probably makes her feel powerful. Don't give her that.

 

Hold you head up high, keep your dignity and walk away. I know that's a really hard thing to ask of you, as you love her, but she clearly does not love you.

 

Don't fall into the trap of thinking she is irreplaceable. There are lots of women out there who are loving, kind, loyal and pretty both inside and out. They would be willing to make a guy like you their whole world and give you so much happiness that you'll be smiling every day. A true partner in every sense of the word.

 

In fact, ( and please forgive me BP for using you as an example) if I remember correctly, Blues Power was able to walk away from a terrible relationship. He now has a girlfriend whom, from what I can tell, he thinks the world of and who makes him really happy.

 

You can have that too, but first, you need to put the work in and get out of this crappy relationship. Your spouse is broken inside...and you can't fix her. No one can but her, and she isn't interested in doing that.

[Marc878]

I hear you on everything i really do. My point is my wife is the issue. She can be dead to me. I am just asking the question, will it not ruin this other family? I am already ****ed, I am just trying to think of a one year old child here.

 

The olthrr family is already ruined they just don’t know it yet. You’re just looking for excuses to do nothing.

 

Exposure is your only weapon.

 

Strength is a mindset.

 

You’d better wake up. Women are turned off by weakness

[Marc878]

Quit wallowing in the mire of infidelity.

 

She’s not some special snowflake.

 

The problem is your are affraid.

 

Of what? That she’s gonna leave you?

 

She already has!!! You just don’t get it yet

Edited March 2, 2018 by Marc878

[Marc878]

When exposing you do it without warning so they don’t get together and conspire against you

[FerDeLance]

Hi b2121,

I feel bad about all these things happening to you. I was reading the posts here and I was compelled to say that in the end you need to take care of yourself. I am new here and I didn’t know that this whole affair has been hitting you hard for years. The only thing I can add here is to recommend a book called Boundaries by Henry Cloud. Consider finding it in the library or buying one. The book is about how to restrict certain things on spouses who are not putting up with their end. While you are waiting for things to happen, consider it might help empower you on how to rein in your wife. I know that some people here might not like it but it did help some people I know.

[Bufo]

Tell her in no uncertain terms that because you loved her so much you only want her to be happy. Go f””k whomever you want. You just can’t do it as my wife. So I am taking steps to get out of infidelity. Fortunately the law provides legal means to do so. And I’m using those steps. Here are the divorce papers I’ve had my lawyer file. Please sign here that you have received them. Or a uniformed sheriff will serve them on you at your place of work.

 

Then leave the room. You have nothing further to discuss at that time. Oh, tell her future communication will be to and from your lawyer as she has nothing to say that is of interest to you.

 

No contact means no new hurt.

 

I assume you have taken steps to financially untwine yourself with her and to protect yourself.

[sandylee1]

I wouldn't tell his wife because you don't have proof of the affair.

 

Without proof...you'll look like the bitter husband who can't accept his wife wife doesn't love him anymore.

 

You can tell her you're splitting up because your wife has told you she's in love with her husband.

 

I think that will be enough to quench whatever is going on or might have gone on.

[Adotta]

You need to be willing to lose the marraige to save it. You can't love her back into caring about you. She smells weakness dude. WE smell weakness. She is going to chew you up and spit you out. She may not even do it on purpose.

 

If you have any chance of keeping her with any dignity you have left in one piece. File for divorce. You don't need to go through with it BUT SHE NEEDS TO BELIEVE YOU WILL. You need to be smart. You need to think ahead. You need to control your emotions. Any decisions made from emotion are going to screw you. But we both know you won't do it. I can smell the fear dripping like venom off your posts. For **** sake years ago when she was carpooling you should have put your foot down. NOW THE SITUATION IS WORSE.

 

I get it your some new age feminist she male type. Men and women are equal and the same in every way. Your not supposed to EVER be angry with a woman. it's always the males fault. ....... how is that working for you?

 

You need to do the 180 look it up. You need to file. You need to send her the message that YOU DON'T NEED HER. The message your currently sending is that you need her more then air. It's not sexy it's not manly and she will lose all respect for you. Honestly I think its too late for you and her. but it's not too late for you to get your own self respect back.

 

Has anyone talked about the fact this guy still lives in a one room apartment? She probably selected her boss because he is the opposite of this guy. Manly with more money.

 

Dude your a mess. If you where my buddy I would beat the crap out of you for your own good. There are 3 and a half billion women on earth. You can do better then a lying cheating bitch. If you can't cut her off the ask for an open marriage because I can assure you she is already treating this like one.

 

If you do the 180 cut her out of your life and make that last more then a few months and she is still begging you back, then and ONLY then can you start making rules and expectations for her. Don't rug sweep.

 

But somthing tells me your wife has already lost respect for you. And earning respect is alot easier then winning back lost respect. People don't respect doormats. You need to respect yourself or noone else will. There have been dozens and dozens of men who come onto this board and do the pick me dance. It never works and inevitably they almost always come back to say you guys where right.

[b2121]

You need to be willing to lose the marraige to save it. You can't love her back into caring about you. She smells weakness dude. WE smell weakness. She is going to chew you up and spit you out. She may not even do it on purpose.

 

If you have any chance of keeping her with any dignity you have left in one piece. File for divorce. You don't need to go through with it BUT SHE NEEDS TO BELIEVE YOU WILL. You need to be smart. You need to think ahead. You need to control your emotions. Any decisions made from emotion are going to screw you. But we both know you won't do it. I can smell the fear dripping like venom off your posts. For **** sake years ago when she was carpooling you should have put your foot down. NOW THE SITUATION IS WORSE.

 

I get it your some new age feminist she male type. Men and women are equal and the same in every way. Your not supposed to EVER be angry with a woman. it's always the males fault. ....... how is that working for you?

 

You need to do the 180 look it up. You need to file. You need to send her the message that YOU DON'T NEED HER. The message your currently sending is that you need her more then air. It's not sexy it's not manly and she will lose all respect for you. Honestly I think its too late for you and her. but it's not too late for you to get your own self respect back.

 

Has anyone talked about the fact this guy still lives in a one room apartment? She probably selected her boss because he is the opposite of this guy. Manly with more money.

 

Dude your a mess. If you where my buddy I would beat the crap out of you for your own good. There are 3 and a half billion women on earth. You can do better then a lying cheating bitch. If you can't cut her off the ask for an open marriage because I can assure you she is already treating this like one.

 

If you do the 180 cut her out of your life and make that last more then a few months and she is still begging you back, then and ONLY then can you start making rules and expectations for her. Don't rug sweep.

 

But somthing tells me your wife has already lost respect for you. And earning respect is alot easier then winning back lost respect. People don't respect doormats. You need to respect yourself or noone else will. There have been dozens and dozens of men who come onto this board and do the pick me dance. It never works and inevitably they almost always come back to say you guys where right.

 

It is what it is but we have a one bedroom by choice. I make very good money and probably have considerably more money than her boss by a good amount. Well soon to be half of what it was, but we have plenty of money.

 

That's actually one of the ****tiest parts if I need to sell off any investments I will be paying a huge capital gains tax if I can't simply allocate what she's owed in asset form and need to provide cash.

[BluesPower]

It is what it is but we have a one bedroom by choice. I make very good money and probably have considerably more money than her boss by a good amount. Well soon to be half of what it was, but we have plenty of money.

 

That's actually one of the ****tiest parts if I need to sell off any investments I will be paying a huge capital gains tax if I can't simply allocate what she's owed in asset form and need to provide cash.

 

Any losses that... you incur as a result of the divorce with be worth every single penny X 10.

 

You can't see that now, but after you get away from this woman for a while, wow, are your eyes going to open up.

 

Just keep moving forward...

[b2121]

I hear ya and I do appreciate how much you have been active in here.

 

I am slowly coming to terms with it as the shock wears off. Made her stay at a friends house so she's not around this week while i am handling ****.

 

Told her to have a new checking account by Saturday and that I will be going through assets to get a better understanding of the whole picture, to which she thought I was just trying to get a reaction out of her.

[aliveagain]

I hear ya and I do appreciate how much you have been active in here.

 

I am slowly coming to terms with it as the shock wears off. Made her stay at a friends house so she's not around this week while i am handling ****.

Told her to have a new checking account by Saturday and that I will be going through assets to get a better understanding of the whole picture, to which she thought I was just trying to get a reaction out of her.

 

b2121 you just got her attention in a major, major way. The sleeping giant is awaking and will soon be over the shock phase and entering into the anger phase. Protect your finances, make sure she can't clean out your bank account without your signature(happened to me). I guarantee you she is thinking about you at work today and not her boss. Feel's good to get control of your life again does it not? While she is away think about what it is that you want. Do you want to try again with someone that has already proven that if an opportunity to cheat occurred and she thought she could get away with it she will act on it. Is it better to end things with her and find someone new? Talk to a lawyer so you know your rights.

 

If reconciliation is what you want then decide on what your requirements for staying in the marriage are. Set boundaries and the consequences for breaking them. I would suggest a post nuptial agreement that gives you a larger portion of the marital assets if you divorce because of another infidelity(hers). Spouses that don't honor their marriage vows will often honor a sever financial consequence. If she doesn't like your terms isn't it better you know now rather then spending years in false reconciliation with her? The onus is on her to prove it's worth your while staying married to her, not the other way around because she is plain and simply, a sh*ty wife(no mater how pretty she is). Stay no contact, read up on the "180" and follow the 180 guidelines, this will help you detach from her so you can make decisions about your future which may not include her. She's already shown you the future she wants and what she wants isn't important to you at this time, this is only about you. She didn't expect this from you my friend, good work. You can't nice them back, they need to want to be with you of their own accord, that means 100% all in or get rid of her.

[b2121]

it does feel good to not be on the chase and make peace with that part of me being dead. I told her yesterday, where we also agreed to not speak until saturday ( though I am not going to call her on sat or text her and if she does call i am not picking up), that I am done chasing and that i am going to take care of myself for myself and no one else and that while nothing is in stone I am not going to make myself available and I gave her a criteria of what i would need one day.

 

I also told her that whilst i'm making myself better she should really have some self respect and with or without me in her future understand that her boss is not an option and she needs to make peace with that to understand what she really wants down the road. She admired my clarity and level-headedness and left.

[S2B]

By telling her to get a new account by Saturday - she can still deplete the joint accounts to move it into her name only.

 

Make sure she has NO access to big amounts that she can move.

 

Get your assets into your name only before she does! That includes long term investments!

[b2121]

She's not that type of person ( backlash to come I know), but most of my assets are in accounts she has no access to.

 

She has access to the cash which might be around 30k, but ill take half of it in a new account.

 

The bulk of the assets which is six figures is in crypto and other assets that she couldn't find with a detective if she wanted.

[BMI03]

She's not that type of person ( backlash to come I know), but most of my assets are in accounts she has no access to.

 

She has access to the cash which might be around 30k, but ill take half of it in a new account.

 

The bulk of the assets which is six figures is in crypto and other assets that she couldn't find with a detective if she wanted.

 

It's great seeing you take some progress steps. Something that you need to keep in mind when thinking about her: don't fall into old habits of thinking you know her and what kind of person she is. Truth is you don't know her...the real her. And even if you think you did, you don't know her in this sort of situation. You don't know who she will be a year from now in the middle of the legalities of a divorce. So don't act on who you think she is and how she will act. Act based on it being a stranger who you have no ideas about. You will act smarter, and protect yourself.

 

Don't assume she is entitled to half. She may spend it and then fight that you made her move out and you own half that cost. Stop making assumptions and go full-on protect-yourself mode. She wants to cheat...she can finance it herself instead of spending your money to see her love interest.