Wife Is in Love with Her boss- I can't process it

[DKT3]

I just wanted to say sorry for what you're going through.

 

I know you guys mean well but saying stuff like "hand back your man card" isn't necessary.

 

All of us male and female are capable of feeling hurt and devastation on hearing something like this. It doesn't make him leas of a man because he hasn't immediately filed for divorce.

 

B21...I know you're in a state of shock, but it does look like your wife has checked out of the marriage a while ago.

 

She always keeps you on the backfoot and it sounds like she thinks you should be grateful to have her. This isn't an equal relationship at all.

 

You clearly love her and adore her to even think about letting her sleep with another man.

 

That's a one sided open marriage. ..unless you're proposing an open marriage on both sides. ..don't do it. Im not getting the impression this would be something you want.

 

I can tell you she'll have absolutely no respect for you if you do that. She'll turn you into a cuckold and have you helping her get ready for dates if you aren't careful.

 

Nobody is irreplaceable. If she doesn't love and value you...you'll find someone else who does.

 

I think good men are harder to come by than good women.

 

Don't be gripped by fear.

 

"Don't cry because of her. Cry because of who you thought she was"

 

 

For me the hardest thing about this website is watching a BS struggle with acceptance. I think that having been down that road, it's clear to us that the quicker you start looking out for yourself the better off you will be, plus minimizing your pain.

 

Maybe the language is strong but the message is 100% correct. OP needs to make moves to remove himself from infidelity ASAP. Either she will jump on the train or be left at the station. But he can't wait at the station with her.

[lolablue17]

You live in an imaginary world in which your wife loves you, married to you, and you are both a normal regular couple. This is the world you find it very hard to let go, and you afraid to lose all these.

 

But in the real world, you just don't have any of these. It's not a real relationship, not a real marriage, and your wife doesn't love you. You already lost. This reality should help you in your way to a better life in which you can be really happy. Happiness is something you cannot hope with you current marriage.

 

The boss is no the problem, and your wife is not the problem. It happens when a woman fall in love with a man (her boss). It doesn't mean she's bad. It just means that you understand that your imaginary world doesn't work for you anymore. Belive me, living in a real world is much more satisfactory

[BluesPower]

I just wanted to say sorry for what you're going through.

 

I know you guys mean well but saying stuff like "hand back your man card" isn't necessary.

 

All of us male and female are capable of feeling hurt and devastation on hearing something like this. It doesn't make him leas of a man because he hasn't immediately filed for divorce.

 

B21...I know you're in a state of shock, but it does look like your wife has checked out of the marriage a while ago.

 

She always keeps you on the backfoot and it sounds like she thinks you should be grateful to have her. This isn't an equal relationship at all.

 

You clearly love her and adore her to even think about letting her sleep with another man.

 

That's a one sided open marriage. ..unless you're proposing an open marriage on both sides. ..don't do it. Im not getting the impression this would be something you want.

 

I can tell you she'll have absolutely no respect for you if you do that. She'll turn you into a cuckold and have you helping her get ready for dates if you aren't careful.

 

Nobody is irreplaceable. If she doesn't love and value you...you'll find someone else who does.

 

I think good men are harder to come by than good women.

 

Don't be gripped by fear.

 

"Don't cry because of her. Cry because of who you thought she was"

 

Sandy, as much as I respect... your opinions and almost everything that you write, I could not disagree more.

 

In fact, even though you disagree with my wording, I think your post and choice of wording actually prove my point.

 

I believe that the wholesale emasculation of the male population in western countries is responsible for behavior like the OP's in this post.

 

Further I think that men and women, have no understanding of boundaries or actual self respect.

 

OP, in this case, has put his head in the sand for some time, when it was obvious that she was and has been cheating on him for some time.

 

Why is that?

 

Also, I am starting to think that when someone is caught cheating that the only course of action is divorce. I am not sure that either gender can maintain their self-respect and allow themselves to remain with the cheater.

 

There have been very few examples of an actual, apparently healthy, reconciliation. DTK is one of the few examples of this and a few others.

 

And DTK, decided on divorce eventually as his course of action. It was his wife and her post affair behavior that allow them to come back together.

 

In this situation, in his heart this OP knows that his wife has been sleeping around and he has chosen to keep his head in the sand. He is, in fact, allowing himself to be a cuckold. Unless that is his fetish, I don't think that is actually what he wants for his life.

 

Then why, has he allowed himself to be a part of this marriage?

 

Short answer, he needs to turn in his man card. I am not sure that there a better why to say it...

[Floveet]

Sandy, as much as I respect... your opinions and almost everything that you write, I could not disagree more.

 

In fact, even though you disagree with my wording, I think your post and choice of wording actually prove my point.

 

I believe that the wholesale emasculation of the male population in western countries is responsible for behavior like the OP's in this post.

 

Further I think that men and women, have no understanding of boundaries or actual self respect.

 

OP, in this case, has put his head in the sand for some time, when it was obvious that she was and has been cheating on him for some time.

 

Why is that?

 

Also, I am starting to think that when someone is caught cheating that the only course of action is divorce. I am not sure that either gender can maintain their self-respect and allow themselves to remain with the cheater.

 

There have been very few examples of an actual, apparently healthy, reconciliation. DTK is one of the few examples of this and a few others.

 

And DTK, decided on divorce eventually as his course of action. It was his wife and her post affair behavior that allow them to come back together.

 

In this situation, in his heart this OP knows that his wife has been sleeping around and he has chosen to keep his head in the sand. He is, in fact, allowing himself to be a cuckold. Unless that is his fetish, I don't think that is actually what he wants for his life.

 

Then why, has he allowed himself to be a part of this marriage?

 

Short answer, he needs to turn in his man card. I am not sure that there a better why to say it...

 

You have said it all Bluepowers.

If as stated before, his wife is the same girl he was with in 2012 from old posts.

She has found the perfect guy to manipulate and use for her own interests.

 

I feel very sorry for you B, and hope you can find the strenght to get your **** together and fight.

 

Don't forget that :

You only have ONE human experience as yourself. Try to make it the best out of it even if you don't end up reaching your biggest goals.

 

RESPECT !

[somanymistakes]

In this situation, in his heart this OP knows that his wife has been sleeping around and he has chosen to keep his head in the sand. He is, in fact, allowing himself to be a cuckold. Unless that is his fetish, I don't think that is actually what he wants for his life.

 

Then why, has he allowed himself to be a part of this marriage?

 

Short answer, he needs to turn in his man card. I am not sure that there a better why to say it...

 

Because it's not about being a MAN. It's about being a STRONG PERSON with self-respect.

 

A woman allowing her spouse to walk all over her is just as much in need of help. And there are plenty of women who make exactly the same mistake, knowing that their husband is sleeping around and choosing to try and ignore it.

 

What are you going to tell them, 'hand in your woman card'? I'll bet you look at that and think it's a ridiculous thing to say. Perhaps you should ponder why that is.

 

Using this sort of language gives the (unintended, I hope) impression that you think it's okay for people who are NOT men to be treated like that.

[wmacbride]

op,

I am sorry that you have found yourself in this position. It's a really crappy place to be.

 

One thing I want you to know right off is that her behavior is not your fault. It is 100 percent on her head.

 

My advice for what to do next? My first stop would be a lawyer's office. Explain what has been going on and find out what your rights and responsibilities are. The more you learn, the better off you're going to be, and it's a way for you to stop feeling like your life is spinning out of control.

 

Secondly, find a friend who you can really trust. Talk all of this through and, if you feel like you need additional strength, they can help provide it. Finding a good counselor or therapist can also be really helpful.

 

Once you have seen the lawyer and know what you can and can't do, from a legal perspective, use that as a guide for your next steps. If he/she says it's okay, pack up all of your wife's belongings and have them waiting for her. Let her figure out where she's going to stay. If that is not legally possible, set yourself up in a room in your home that you don't share with her. Put a lock on the door and make sure knows she is not welcome and she is to stay out. Treat her as a room mate. Be cordial and polite ( but not friendly) and keep building your strength.

 

If you have interactions with her, I would suggest recording them , for your own protection. Sad as it is for me to say it, some women will try to use "he put his hands on me" as a manipulative tactic, even if you have done no such thing. Protect yourself.

 

In your shoes, I would begin the process of divorce now. Get your ducks in a row before you give her any indication you are doing so. You don't have to view her as the enemy, but as someone you can't trust.

 

Most importantly, DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER. That is a tactic she may well try to insinuate herself back into your good graces. If you can't help yourself, make damned sure she doesn't get pregnant. That's the last thing you need, and would be very unfair to any child you bring into this situation.

 

Start building a life without her. Take small steps at first, if you need to. Join a club or not for profit group, volunteer, take a class, learn a new hobby. The point is to show yourself you can still have fun and be happy without her, and also to meet new people- not for a relationship but just as friends. You need to find " you" again, and that's a great way to do it.

 

Make sure you eat well, sleep and get exercise. If you aren't already in one, join a gym and do whatever work outs feel good for you.

 

Lastly, know this. your wife is not an evil person, but she certainly is a "broken" one, and she has no problem in making you suffer for her failings. You can't fix or change that. She didn't cheat because of anything you did/ didn't do. You can't make her any different, but what you can do is work on yourself. It will be hard, and it's going to be hurtful, but in the end, it will be for the best. You've got a long road ahead, but uncoupling from her is something you can do. Take each day as it comes, get through it, and go on to the next. Arm yourself with knowledge and don't be afraid to seek strength from others if you need it.

 

Most of us in the "infidelity" section have been where you are, and understand how much it hurts. You love someone, you trust them enough to let them in and then they screw you over. That is exquisite painful, but it can and does get better, especially when you start to take some of your power back.

[road]

Because it's not about being a MAN. It's about being a STRONG PERSON with self-respect.

 

A woman allowing her spouse to walk all over her is just as much in need of help. And there are plenty of women who make exactly the same mistake, knowing that their husband is sleeping around and choosing to try and ignore it.

 

What are you going to tell them, 'hand in your woman card'? I'll bet you look at that and think it's a ridiculous thing to say. Perhaps you should ponder why that is.

 

Using this sort of language gives the (unintended, I hope) impression that you think it's okay for people who are NOT men to be treated like that.

 

Yes.

 

For there even comes a time when a woman has to "man up" and get

the job done.

[road]

You have said it all Bluepowers.

If as stated before, his wife is the same girl he was with in 2012 from old posts.

She has found the perfect guy to manipulate and use for her own interests.

 

 

RESPECT !

 

Going on since 2012.

Going on since 2012!

Going on since 2012?

 

I have heard of BH's just finding out that their BW has been having

an affair for the last six years. Though to let a WW have an affair

go on for the last six years is beyond imagination.

[BluesPower]

Because it's not about being a MAN. It's about being a STRONG PERSON with self-respect.

 

A woman allowing her spouse to walk all over her is just as much in need of help. And there are plenty of women who make exactly the same mistake, knowing that their husband is sleeping around and choosing to try and ignore it.

 

What are you going to tell them, 'hand in your woman card'? I'll bet you look at that and think it's a ridiculous thing to say. Perhaps you should ponder why that is.

 

Using this sort of language gives the (unintended, I hope) impression that you think it's okay for people who are NOT men to be treated like that.

 

Yes, but if you will look... I used both genders in that last post. And of course women should have the same boundaries.

 

But, in this case, since OP male, I was focusing on the male side of the equation.

 

I actually tell most women the same thing, I just have not used the woman card analogy.

 

And, actually, in a male sense, it is about being a man. And a strong man.

 

In this situation OP, has just let this continue because he is just being so very weak...

[sandylee1]

I agree with Somanymistakes .it's not about being a man.... it's about not allowing yourself to be messed around.

 

Blues, I know you're a straight talker. ...I wasn't getting at you by what I said (I know you speak from experience) ... I just wanted to get a similar message across in a more empathic way.

[aliveagain]

This stops when you say it does, unfortunately knowing your history it is very unlikely you will take the necessary steps that will take you out of infidelity. Your expecting her to come to her senses and be the wife you always envisioned she would be by avoiding the real issue, no one man will ever be enough for her. Your under 30 years of age, she did the very same thing to you before you married her, she fell in love with someone, broke up with you, had sex with the new guy a dozen or more times then came back to you. She has been doing this very same thing to you for the last 7 or so years. She has been showing you who she really is but you refuse to believe her.

 

How are you going to survive the next 50 plus years with her if she keeps falling in love with other men? The best predictor of your future with her is to look at your history, your life is going to really suck unless YOU do something to change it. You can't expect her to save you, she's the one putting you into infidelity and all you have done is shown her how hurt you are(she doesn't care because she keeps doing it to you). You can't allow someone who makes really, really bad decisions make decisions about your future or your currant situation is your future.

 

Just my opinion, one of two things will happen, you will live this as your life and accept that you will be sharing her with countless other men or she will find someone soon and divorce you for him. The decision is your my friend, I know what I would do but this is your life and only you can choose how you live it, drama or happiness. You have her way to high on that pedestal, you need to see her for what she really is, a serial cheater. If you choose to be married to someone that cheats get a good medical plan, your health is at risk. You will probably have to DNA test your children. 2012, haven't you suffered enough, the rest of your life is a very long time from now and you deserve to be happy. She is not what will make you happy and you will never realize this until you finally decide to take responsibility for creating your own happiness. You can't rely on her to do that because your history is proof that it will never happen with her.

[BarbedFenceRider]

6 years? whoa...

Is this some sort of "I like to be humiliated" turn on thingy?

 

There are words to describe this but I don't want to get banned, yet again...

 

This sounds very attention grabbing, purposefully.

[Cephalopod]

File for divorce.

 

 

I don't even understand why this is a question.

[b2121]

Thanks for the advice and to same to all, though yes some of you make it sound like it's all so easy.

 

I couldn't go to work today, just too hard. I can't eat, I don't want to workout and yet she's just plugging away at work like it's all ok it's just BS.

 

So from a practical non macho fake standpoint. What do I do right now? Google divorce filings and file? Do I pack her stuff up? We live in a one bed room apartment so it's not really posible ot have space right now.

 

I would ( don't have a choice) be all for separation, but if she doesn't remove herself from work she wont ever miss me because she's just filling that void. I don't know how to explain that to her.

 

I also don't know if I tell her mom and dad who I am closer to than my own parents. She's going to tell them a fake version of all this and I'd rather they knew the truth. Is that pointless?

[BluesPower]

Thanks for the advice and to same to all, though yes some of you make it sound like it's all so easy.

 

I couldn't go to work today, just too hard. I can't eat, I don't want to workout and yet she's just plugging away at work like it's all ok it's just BS.

 

So from a practical non macho fake standpoint. What do I do right now? Google divorce filings and file? Do I pack her stuff up? We live in a one bed room apartment so it's not really posible ot have space right now.

 

I would ( don't have a choice) be all for separation, but if she doesn't remove herself from work she wont ever miss me because she's just filling that void. I don't know how to explain that to her.

 

I also don't know if I tell her mom and dad who I am closer to than my own parents. She's going to tell them a fake version of all this and I'd rather they knew the truth. Is that pointless?

 

Brother, could you just answer some yes no questions... since you seem incapable of responding to a plethora of questions and useful advice.

 

Just quote this post and respond at the end of each question.

 

1) Do you understand that your "wife" has been sleeping around with multiple men the entire time you have been with her? And now she is sleeping with her boss?

 

2) Can you afford the apt by yourself?

 

3) Are you physically capable of getting some boxes and packing her stuff up and placing it on the front porch?

 

4) Is her boss married?

 

5) Do you actually think that she loves you in any way?

 

6) Do you understand that none of us are being "macho" that we are talking about basic self respect?

 

Can you answer those questions?

[sandylee1]

Forget about missing you...that ship has sailed.

 

It's time to focus on YOU. Google divorce /family lawyers in your area and take it from there.

 

Start implementing the 180 180

 

healinginfidelity.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html?m=1

 

Your wife carries on as normal because she doesn't give a damn how you feel.

 

Can you go away for a few nights to get some space?

 

Don't let her see you sad. Don't initiate conversation with her. Don't discuss your future ..you don't have one with her.

 

Wanting a committed faithful wife isn't much to ask for. It's the bare minimum.

 

Value yourself or nobody else will.

[aliveagain]

Thanks for the advice and to same to all, though yes some of you make it sound like it's all so easy.

 

I couldn't go to work today, just too hard. I can't eat, I don't want to workout and yet she's just plugging away at work like it's all ok it's just BS.

 

So from a practical non macho fake standpoint. What do I do right now? Google divorce filings and file? Do I pack her stuff up? We live in a one bed room apartment so it's not really posible ot have space right now.

 

I would ( don't have a choice) be all for separation, but if she doesn't remove herself from work she wont ever miss me because she's just filling that void. I don't know how to explain that to her.

 

I also don't know if I tell her mom and dad who I am closer to than my own parents. She's going to tell them a fake version of all this and I'd rather they knew the truth. Is that pointless?

 

You expose her cheating to the people that have influence over her. Don't expect much from her parents, blood is thicker then....... If you don't have family or friends that can put you up for a few days so you get time away from her to plan your future check in with your church. They may be able to help you. You need to start detaching from her, best way to do that is with the "180" make it your new mantra. You are being abused and you are doing nothing to stop it. Stand up for yourself. Get some distance away from her starting now if you can find someone to take you in for a little while. You need to talk to a lawyer. You start the same way all of us did, make the decision to get yourself out of infidelity. Just pack up what you need for a few days, tell your office you need a few days off because of family issues and get your a$$ out of there.

 

Trust me, when she see's your taking control of your own destiny she will be chasing you so be prepared for what you want. Why are you settling for a part time wife? She is 100% all in for your marriage or fire her from the position because she failed miserably as your wife. You don't need any further proof, she's in love with another man, if she can't be true to you, get rid of her.

Edited March 1, 2018 by aliveagain

[b2121]

Brother, could you just answer some yes no questions... since you seem incapable of responding to a plethora of questions and useful advice.

 

Just quote this post and respond at the end of each question.

 

1) Do you understand that your "wife" has been sleeping around with multiple men the entire time you have been with her? And now she is sleeping with her boss?

 

2) Can you afford the apt by yourself?

 

3) Are you physically capable of getting some boxes and packing her stuff up and placing it on the front porch?

 

4) Is her boss married?

 

5) Do you actually think that she loves you in any way?

 

6) Do you understand that none of us are being "macho" that we are talking about basic self respect?

 

Can you answer those questions?

 

1. I really don't think she is, nothing is more painful than knowing she loves another man why lie, but at this point does it matter?

2. Yes

3. Yes

4. Yes with baby

5. Yes, but who does this to someone they love.

6. Yes of course. I just meant it's really really hard to accept your life as you know it is over and you have to restart. Is it wrong of me that I still want her to come home and say how much she loves me and that's she is sorry? Again I know why you are all saying this. I go through moments of clarity then all of sudden I am shaking and I want to punch a hole through a wall.

 

For what it is worth, I just spoke to her dad and he was in total shock and on my side for everything and couldn't believe i was talking about his daughter.

 

She and i spoke more last night and the most apparent thing is how not real this is to her which is bizzare because she is the one creating it. She said the therapist ( who i agree seems like a ****ing joke, so glad i am paying 200 an hour) asked what would be the hardest part about being divorced and she said knowing my mental health and thats why she was so sad because that was her first thought and not missing me.

 

Like wake the **** up you child. I realize this can be said about me though. And i know, i sound like every guy ever who says this is different, but i really don't think it's sex. She may be a POS but i don't get why she'd lie at this point. She admitted that she wanted him to kiss her on a trip, so why admit that, but again not sure it matters.

[BluesPower]

1. I really don't think she is, nothing is more painful than knowing she loves another man why lie, but at this point does it matter?

2. Yes

3. Yes

4. Yes with baby

5. Yes, but who does this to someone they love.

6. Yes of course. I just meant it's really really hard to accept your life as you know it is over and you have to restart. Is it wrong of me that I still want her to come home and say how much she loves me and that's she is sorry? Again I know why you are all saying this. I go through moments of clarity then all of sudden I am shaking and I want to punch a hole through a wall.

 

For what it is worth, I just spoke to her dad and he was in total shock and on my side for everything and couldn't believe i was talking about his daughter.

 

She and i spoke more last night and the most apparent thing is how not real this is to her which is bizzare because she is the one creating it. She said the therapist ( who i agree seems like a ****ing joke, so glad i am paying 200 an hour) asked what would be the hardest part about being divorced and she said knowing my mental health and thats why she was so sad because that was her first thought and not missing me.

 

Like wake the **** up you child. I realize this can be said about me though. And i know, i sound like every guy ever who says this is different, but i really don't think it's sex. She may be a POS but i don't get why she'd lie at this point. She admitted that she wanted him to kiss her on a trip, so why admit that, but again not sure it matters.

 

OMG... You need to get to a therapist really quickly. My friend you are completely and totally delusional and in complete denial.

 

She has been sleeping around on you since before you got married.

 

Adults that are in "love", which is this case it means that she loves to f*** him, do not go on business trips and not have sex. They are having sex in his office.

 

You have got to wake up.

 

She does not love you. She does not want you. She does not want to have sex with you. She does not respect you.

 

DO YOU UNDERSTAND????

 

You need to pack her stuff. Put it out on the porch. Change the locks. Call he OM's wife and explain that you just kicked your wife out and she has been having an affair with her husband.

 

WAKE THE HELL UP!!!!

[b2121]

Forget about missing you...that ship has sailed.

 

It's time to focus on YOU. Google divorce /family lawyers in your area and take it from there.

 

Start implementing the 180 180

 

healinginfidelity.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html?m=1

 

Your wife carries on as normal because she doesn't give a damn how you feel.

 

Can you go away for a few nights to get some space?

 

Don't let her see you sad. Don't initiate conversation with her. Don't discuss your future ..you don't have one with her.

 

Wanting a committed faithful wife isn't much to ask for. It's the bare minimum.

 

Value yourself or nobody else will.

 

Thanks , that link is really helpful. I just need to trick my brain into being happy. How do i get an appetite?

[b2121]

OMG... You need to get to a therapist really quickly. My friend you are completely and totally delusional and in complete denial.

 

She has been sleeping around on you since before you got married.

 

Adults that are in "love", which is this case it means that she loves to f*** him, do not go on business trips and not have sex. They are having sex in his office.

 

You have got to wake up.

 

She does not love you. She does not want you. She does not want to have sex with you. She does not respect you.

 

DO YOU UNDERSTAND????

 

 

 

You need to pack her stuff. Put it out on the porch. Change the locks. Call he OM's wife and explain that you just kicked your wife out and she has been having an affair with her husband.

 

WAKE THE HELL UP!!!!

 

Btw she was the child, not you.

 

But I hear you, and i will get help I just don't know why she would lie about that when it's already over. Plus he has a little baby. That be some next level demon ****.

[b2121]

I'll ask you and the group here, you really think it's ok to message the wife?

 

I know you think they are ****ing, but if they aren't i just ruined a familly life because my wife is a selfish child. I feel like that's crossing a line no?

[BluesPower]

I'll ask you and the group here, you really think it's ok to message the wife?

 

I know you think they are ****ing, but if they aren't i just ruined a familly life because my wife is a selfish child. I feel like that's crossing a line no?

 

I give up... someone please try to help this guy.

[b2121]

I hear you on everything i really do. My point is my wife is the issue. She can be dead to me. I am just asking the question, will it not ruin this other family? I am already ****ed, I am just trying to think of a one year old child here.

[BluesPower]

I hear you on everything i really do. My point is my wife is the issue. She can be dead to me. I am just asking the question, will it not ruin this other family? I am already ****ed, I am just trying to think of a one year old child here.

 

You need to admit... to yourself that your wife has huge issues.

 

You need to admit that she has been sleeping not only with her boss but several other men as well through the course of your marriage.

 

Their is no other reasonable explanation.

 

Yes you need to tell his wife. For several reason: she deserves to know that she is married to a creep.

 

It will most likely blow up the affair at least for a while, why should you be the only one to suffer.

 

You need to move her stuff out of your apartment and file for divorce. She has been using you for your entire marriage.

 

It is time to face reality and move on with your life...