I think I ate a breadcrumb

[Whodatdog]

I think you did fine too. You acted in a very civilized manner, you answered with text in a very nice manner, without blubbering over her. I think it would have been more telling had you NOT answered; making her think you flipped over seeing her. As it is, you saw her, had a nice interaction, answered her text very civilly, and that was that.

[Been]

You did OK. I don't think you did anything wrong.

I'll tell you why she texted you that: to keep you on the hook in case she needs to revisit you if something goes wrong in her current relationship.

Laying the groundwork per say. I had an ex that would actually see me in a bar and text me how she wanted me- keep in mind her boyfriend would be right beside her.

What you really have to do is block her number because she's always going to text you like that because she knows she can and it boosts her ego to.

[Popsicle]

I think you did fine too. I'm in the camp that you came off as cool.

 

You said you ate a breadcrumb. One breadcrumb is fine. Where it becomes toxic is when the breadcrumbs keep coming. When that happens, then they've got you because you have to keep playing this stupid game of trying to come off as cool that you'd doing it so often that they are controlling you. Controlling - that sounds like a strong word, but what I mean is, they are taking up too much of your emotions and head space and really, you're getting absolutely nothing good out of it. It's not like they are going to take you back. It's just an ego boost for them.

 

I posted this the other day. Although I had already blocked my ex (yes when the breadcrumbs keep coming you get to the point where you don't care anymore if they think badly of you for blocking them) after seeing this, it made me feel confident that I did the right thing. I believe it is gender neutral.

 

[1fish2fish]

Pops!

 

Thank you for posting that link! I've been watching his videos all morning, and he is spot on with everything.

[usa1ah]

Might just ruin things with the new girl you’re trying to talk to.

 

Here you are talking to your ex’s friends about this new girl and then telling your ex what you did.

[Popsicle]

Pops!

 

Thank you for posting that link! I've been watching his videos all morning, and he is spot on with everything.

 

I know! He’s awesome!

[jackofmany]

Might just ruin things with the new girl you’re trying to talk to.

 

Here you are talking to your ex’s friends about this new girl and then telling your ex what you did.

 

Oh . . . I don't think that's a concern, but I see your point. I also think they probably tipped her off that I was there, and I suspect they will pass along that I was talking about another girl. That could even be why she sent the message, to try to reel me in a bit. Who knows? But as Veronica73 said, it also comes down to who cares?

 

Obviously, I do or I wouldn't have written anything here, but this is all very helpful in working it through and recognizing it for what it is, and as importantly, for what it is not.

 

But things with this other girl are only at the point where I am interested in trying to get to know her. I'm not even that sure she knows it. If that gets off the ground in any way then there is no texting the ex, at all.

 

She may roll that way. But I don't.

[jackofmany]

I'll add to that too...don't go to that bar/place anymore..Unless you're on a date and she suggests it...you still don't go there! The ex 'got that place in the divorce'. I mean..you knew you'd eventually see her there..If you say you didn't I call,bull****.

 

Yes. I knew I'd eventually see her. Even if I didn't go there I'd eventually see her. Too many mutual friends. Too small a town.

 

I am reintroducing myself to the place carefully. I avoided it and her completely (to the point of having friends warn me if I were about to go somewhere they knew she was) for months.

 

Now, I am trying to innoculate myself and risk small interactions. The goal is to get to indifference. I do feel like I am moving along that trajectory and I hope that one day I get to return to these forums with a story about how we interacted and I felt nothing.

 

It's possible. And having everyone here help keep things in perspective is more helpful in that effort than I could possibly say.

 

As usa1ah and Been both pointed out, I think correctly, there was some intent to manipulate in that text, whether conscious or not, to keep me on the hook.

 

In a way, it worked, at least in the short term, but that is wearing off as I begin to be able to see it more clearly.

 

Sometimes you have to accept a step backward to keep moving forward. That's how I'm looking at it now anyway. So I think I will *mostly* avoid the place. I know I'm taking a risk.

[jackofmany]

I think you did fine too. I'm in the camp that you came off as cool.

 

 

I posted this the other day. Although I had already blocked my ex (yes when the breadcrumbs keep coming you get to the point where you don't care anymore if they think badly of you for blocking them) after seeing this, it made me feel confident that I did the right thing. I believe it is gender neutral.

 

 

Thanks! I finally got around to watching that. It does seem gender neutral and I like the way it frames the issue as "minimal possible invenstment." Plus, it's funny.

[usa1ah]

Jack I just don’t know.

 

Read The 180 and see if it might help you.

 

Just out of curiosity, what do you need to be able to interact with this ex?

 

I am sure there are people that you never interact with other then a hey. Make your ex one of this people. The 180 can help you do this.

[jackofmany]

Jack I just don’t know.

 

Read The 180 and see if it might help you.

 

Just out of curiosity, what do you need to be able to interact with this ex?

 

I am sure there are people that you never interact with other then a hey. Make your ex one of this people. The 180 can help you do this.

 

Hmmm . . . I have never looked at it from the perspective of your first question, which is a good one. What do I need?

 

I don't know. I need my confidence back, I think. She broke my heart when I thought it was past breaking, and it catalyzed something. A crisis of confidence. No one has ever dumped me like that before.

 

This has to do with the new girl ("new girl" is the wrong phrase; she's just someone I like) as well. I'm not worried so much about anyone thinking I am hung up on an old flame. I just want to be confident in my approach, because she's a catch.

 

You are helping though, a lot.

 

What is the 180?

[preraph]

Ha! I just might. I like it.

 

That is so similar to what I told her when we had our break up conversation. I told her I loved her and that I didn't fall in or out of love easily, but that I would let her go. She asked me what I needed from her and offered the idea of "space."

 

I told her yes, I would need space. That I hoped she would change her mind but I really meant what I said about letting her go. There's a Pablo Neruda poem called "If You Forget Me" which lays out the sentiment better than I ever could. Seriously, its beautiful. Google it!

 

Then I put my hand on her cheek, kissed her tenderly goodbye, turned and walked away. I never looked back, and I never contacted her again, until now.

 

For what it's worth, that did get to her. One of the first texts I got from her, during the time she was supposed to be giving me space was, "I don't expect you to reply. But I find your silence upsetting. You walked away so easily."

 

No, I freaking didn't. It was as hard as anything I've ever done. But I did it, and she didn't have to know how hard it was, the way I saw it. My dignity is intact, if not my pride.

 

Yeah. I would have appeared much worse a fool if I hadn't been proud and wanted to maintain my dignity. But I was bad enough about waiting for guys to like me more, especially this one who just wouldn't go away even after I'd made him tell me it wasn't going to happen. Still, he'd get jealous and stuff. I remember once at a Halloween party, his little brothers came and I met them. They asked me if I was his girlfriend, and I said animatedly and rolling my eyes in disgust, No, at one time I wanted to be, but HE didn't want to (little pout), and they both scrunched their faces up and said what a stupid dork he was. Haha. So funny. I can only imagine how much crap they gave him.

 

Really, it was that guy that made me have to draw on some self-discipline and keep being active when I was really sad and put one foot in front of the other. It was a tough ride with him and it defied reason. It would be 10 years before I'd find out he'd had an incident of molestation and had ED problems and that it was really him and not me. But life was hard for quite a while over him and then I met the one I had the cancer for. It didn't get much better, but at least he would admit he was in a relationship of sorts....

[lolablue17]

"You too, baby. Sleep well whenever sleep finds you." This is a general polite response, but not "too polite", so you didn't sound cold. It's like you said completely nothing, but wasn't rude. You did great.

[marky00]

Just lightening up the mood here

 

I wouldn't eat a breadcrumb unless it was served with something yummy like pumpkin soup

 

On a more serious note OP, the title of your thread makes it obvious that you understand the post breakup dynamics.

 

I experienced something similar and like you my logical self understood what was going on. But the way it ended was just so bad, I would still go against the logic sometimes.

 

In life we learn that emotions and logic don't always marry up. As humans, we aren't built to purely think in logical terms during an emotional crisis. If this wasn't the case, Euthanasia would most likely be legal all around the world.

 

I think at the end of the day it's good to understand that logic and emotions run side-by-side in life. As you get older you get a little bit better at lessening the impact of emotions which gives a better chance of following through on logic.

[jackofmany]

Grrrrr . . .

 

Just a little venting. I just took a walk to go grab something to eat and a glass of wine, at that same bar. As I got close enough to see inside, I could see her and her friends sitting where I normally would, just hanging out.

 

So I kept on walking.

 

It makes me mad that I had to do that, but I don't want another interaction. It also makes me mad that she is there at all, because she knows that's where I go. I get that she is just living her life. I can't expect her to avoid the place on my account, but as I was saying . . . grrrr.

 

Hopefully, she didn't see me. I doubt she did. But it makes me feel a little bit like I am being cowardly. As I said when I started this thread, I do not want to avoid her forever. But I didn't want to deal with that tonight.

 

There's a part of me that wants to just go back, sit down and mind my business and do what I intended to do. The other part of me -- hopefully the smarter part -- thought no good could come of that, especially so soon after that recent exchange. So I'm going to go somewhere else where I don't know as many people. That's a bummer, because I wanted to socialize a bit.

 

So instead I walked around the block, stopped back home, and wrote this little frustrated note.

 

Now I am going to go back out, sit down somewhere else and have that glass of wine.

 

I am impatient for this period of giving a **** to come to an end.

[Been]

Your going to have to face her sooner or latter. I can understand why your doing what you are because I myself did the avoiding for awhile.

But what I realized was by avoiding I was letting her control an aspect of MY life when she shouldn't have which was my fault. Kinda gave her a power over me.

You'll reach a point when you won't care if you run into her but it won't happen if you keep having to ALTER your lifestyle to avoid her.

What helped me was once I realized who she really was it was easier if she attempted to talk with me because 80% of why she said would be lies or not the full truth.

[jackofmany]

"You too, baby. Sleep well whenever sleep finds you." This is a general polite response, but not "too polite", so you didn't sound cold. It's like you said completely nothing, but wasn't rude. You did great.

 

Thank you so much. This really helps.

[usa1ah]

Hmmm . . . I have never looked at it from the perspective of your first question, which is a good one. What do I need?

 

I don't know. I need my confidence back, I think. She broke my heart when I thought it was past breaking, and it catalyzed something. A crisis of confidence. No one has ever dumped me like that before.

 

This has to do with the new girl ("new girl" is the wrong phrase; she's just someone I like) as well. I'm not worried so much about anyone thinking I am hung up on an old flame. I just want to be confident in my approach, because she's a catch.

 

You are helping though, a lot.

 

What is the 180?

 

You can find The 180 on the internet and download it. It is used to help someone detach from and relationship that has failed like yours.

 

I haven’t read it but there are a lot of people that swear by it.

[jackofmany]

Your going to have to face her sooner or latter. I can understand why your doing what you are because I myself did the avoiding for awhile.

But what I realized was by avoiding I was letting her control an aspect of MY life when she shouldn't have which was my fault. Kinda gave her a power over me.

You'll reach a point when you won't care if you run into her but it won't happen if you keep having to ALTER your lifestyle to avoid her.

What helped me was once I realized who she really was it was easier if she attempted to talk with me because 80% of why she said would be lies or not the full truth.

 

This is the truth. What frustrates me about tonight is that I altered my plan. On the other hand, I had had a long day, have things to do tomorrow, and for the moment, didn't want to risk another interaction. What I learned from the last exchange is that she still has some power over me.

 

I just think I needed a break.

 

I will be back.

[usa1ah]

Grrrrr . . .

 

Just a little venting. I just took a walk to go grab something to eat and a glass of wine, at that same bar. As I got close enough to see inside, I could see her and her friends sitting where I normally would, just hanging out.

 

So I kept on walking.

 

It makes me mad that I had to do that, but I don't want another interaction. It also makes me mad that she is there at all, because she knows that's where I go. I get that she is just living her life. I can't expect her to avoid the place on my account, but as I was saying . . . grrrr.

 

Hopefully, she didn't see me. I doubt she did. But it makes me feel a little bit like I am being cowardly. As I said when I started this thread, I do not want to avoid her forever. But I didn't want to deal with that tonight.

 

There's a part of me that wants to just go back, sit down and mind my business and do what I intended to do. The other part of me -- hopefully the smarter part -- thought no good could come of that, especially so soon after that recent exchange. So I'm going to go somewhere else where I don't know as many people. That's a bummer, because I wanted to socialize a bit.

 

So instead I walked around the block, stopped back home, and wrote this little frustrated note.

 

Now I am going to go back out, sit down somewhere else and have that glass of wine.

 

I am impatient for this period of giving a **** to come to an end.

 

What you are going through here is what the 180 is supposed to help with.

[usa1ah]

Vent away Jack.

[jackofmany]

What you are going through here is what the 180 is supposed to help with.

 

Thank you. I just found it. I'll read it.

[SevenCity]

I don’t think there is anything wrong with altering your plans to avoid running into her at this point. Frustrating to be sure, but it’s about self preservation.

 

However, I might take a different approach. She feels as if she’s won the breakup. She has a new bf and you don’t hate her. She’s done nothing wrong in her eyes. And I don’t think it’s coincidence that she is hanging out at “your” place. Women seldom do anything without intent behind it (though as men we usually have no idea what their intent is).

 

Personally I think the best thing you can do is go about your normal routine; including visiting this place. If you see her say what’s up and then act like she is nobody to you. It might initially have you in tears when you get home, but you’ll become desensitized after time.

 

Then feel free to bring your next chick to this place and if you see your ex give her a friendly “what’s up” and go about your night.

[SevenCity]

I don’t think there is anything wrong with altering your plans to avoid running into her at this point. Frustrating to be sure, but it’s about self preservation.

 

However, I might take a different approach. She feels as if she’s won the breakup. She has a new bf and you don’t hate her. She’s done nothing wrong in her eyes. And I don’t think it’s coincidence that she is hanging out at “your” place. Women seldom do anything without intent behind it (though as men we usually have no idea what their intent is).

 

Personally I think the best thing you can do is go about your normal routine; including visiting this place. If you see her say what’s up and then act like she is nobody to you. It might initially have you in tears when you get home, but you’ll become desensitized after time.

 

Then feel free to bring your next chick to this place and if you see your ex give her a friendly “what’s up” and go about your night.

[jackofmany]

I don’t think there is anything wrong with altering your plans to avoid running into her at this point. Frustrating to be sure, but it’s about self preservation.

 

However, I might take a different approach. She feels as if she’s won the breakup. She has a new bf and you don’t hate her. She’s done nothing wrong in her eyes. And I don’t think it’s coincidence that she is hanging out at “your” place. Women seldom do anything without intent behind it (though as men we usually have no idea what their intent is).

 

Personally I think the best thing you can do is go about your normal routine; including visiting this place. If you see her say what’s up and then act like she is nobody to you. It might initially have you in tears when you get home, but you’ll become desensitized after time.

 

Then feel free to bring your next chick to this place and if you see your ex give her a friendly “what’s up” and go about your night.

 

Yeah . . . frustrating to say the least.

 

The notion that she thinks she's done nothing wrong drives me crazy. I can't change it, but it does. Don't feel obligated to read it if you haven't already, but how it all went down originally is here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/634835-try-blindside

 

I was talking to a friend of hers a while back, and he said, "She knows she ****** up." She ought to. But she is not the kind of person given to too much self-criticism. If she thinks she messed up, it's not the same way I do, I'm sure.

 

I agree with you on the idea of going to the place and not engaging past "what's up" and it would be nice if I had a date with me (for reasons not worth going into here, the other girl I was interested in looks unlikely), but that is not in the cards at the moment.

 

The thing with this particular ex is she is extremely extroverted and impulsive. I can easily see her pursuing a conversation, now that we have had a peaceful exchange. The woman has boundary issues.

 

I don't feel like having to explain anything to her. because I don't want her to know much about my feelings, but who knows I may have to.

 

She's left me alone since that text exchange . . . and for the most part I have to admit she has left me alone in general, except for a handful of these breadcrumbs, each of which increased in intensity until she drew a response.

 

If I can pull off the mental switch that Been suggested -- really seeing her for what her actions have demonstrated her to be, rather than seeing my idealized images of her (which unfortunately hangs on because of the fact that I don't have any bad memories of our time together when we were together) -- then this will get a LOT easier.

 

This is one of the reasons getting feedback on here is so helpful. I really do want people to look at the story and try to sympathize with her position, so I can check my own head and make sure I am not crazy to think the way she went about things was not quite right.

 

I also think you are right to some extent about her not being at that bar by accident. But it's hard to say. I realized something about her last night. She is a very, very smart woman, but she doesn't run very deep, if that makes any sense.

 

She goes there with her boyfriend sometimes, which indicates to me she doesn't care one way or another if I am there. On the other hand, I do think she wouldn't mind running into me sometime when he's not around and having a conversation.

 

She won't suggest getting together in a text. Because she knows that's pushing it with her obligations to her bf. But she would "accidentally" run into me and engage, enough to get some more validation.

 

She won't change. So it is on me to keep on working, and to have a plan to keep any engagement from going anywhere.

 

This is all helping. So thanks a lot.

Edited February 28, 2018 by jackofmany