I think I ate a breadcrumb

[bluecastle]

I just wanted to chime in here and thank you for being so open and intelligent about what you're going through. You've got quite the head on your shoulders, able to process what's happening logically but also being honest about where emotions become their own logic system, sometimes leading to questionable decisions. Because, well, you are a human being.

 

There are some people who, for whatever reasons, get their hooks deep in us and removing them is a process. Steps forward, steps back. Pangs of longing giving way to anger giving into indifference, over and over. This happens a few times in life, and each time we get a little better at removing those hooks.

 

Your ex sounds a lot like mine, and the way you're both processing things (you: cerebral, non-reactive; her: impulsive, emotional) is also familiar. (If you want some drama, you can find it on my threads.) Ultimately, it sounds to me like you're trying to find a peaceful, compassionate place in all this, where you can appreciate her and what you have but also move on. The texting, the kissing—that's what's going on, plus, of course, the craggy components of lust, longing, ego, and so on. It's a hard line to walk.

 

Anyhow, I think you have a good read on this. Maybe the best you'll get is: yes, she was, and is, a genuinely confused person. She is deeply insecure, and male attention is her go to bandaid when those insecurities surface. That's human, but it's not a good look. Instead of processing, as you are, she's numbing herself, and you can bet that deep in her core she is not content with the choices she's making. She's not really moving forward easily, as you suggested earlier, but wallowing in a kind of vicious cycle. That pulls you in on occasion—you're invariably curious, wondering if the water has changed temperature, so to speak—but you seem really good at processing the fallout from those moments. And eventually you'll just stay out of the water.

 

For whatever it's worth: A month ago my ex of 6 months surprised me with a few texts that could be deciphered as expressing longing, anger, a desire for attention, whatever. It really annoyed me, as I'd been keeping distance, healing well, respecting (from what I heard) that she was maybe seeing someone. I stewed and stewed, annoyed at myself for stewing over these dregs but accepting it for what it was.

 

Then, this weekend, I had a surprising encounter with a new woman—an awesome connection that lead to intimacy—and it gave me some refreshing perspective on the joys that are out there to be had. In the morning I decided to respond to my ex, finally not really caring how she took it but just putting out the energy I want in the world. I just wanted to clear the air and energy—for me. Basically: "Hey, your texts a month ago confused me. I hope we can move forward with our lives gracefully, and hope you're well."

 

Maybe I get a hint of humanity, maybe nothing, maybe more drama—whatever. It wasn't about that. It was about clearing energy to free up space for myself to be able to embrace what's next. Sounds like you're on that path.

[SevenCity]

I just wanted to chime in here and thank you for being so open and intelligent about what you're going through. You've got quite the head on your shoulders, able to process what's happening logically but also being honest about where emotions become their own logic system, sometimes leading to questionable decisions. Because, well, you are a human being.

 

There are some people who, for whatever reasons, get their hooks deep in us and removing them is a process. Steps forward, steps back. Pangs of longing giving way to anger giving into indifference, over and over. This happens a few times in life, and each time we get a little better at removing those hooks.

 

Your ex sounds a lot like mine, and the way you're both processing things (you: cerebral, non-reactive; her: impulsive, emotional) is also familiar. (If you want some drama, you can find it on my threads.) Ultimately, it sounds to me like you're trying to find a peaceful, compassionate place in all this, where you can appreciate her and what you have but also move on. The texting, the kissing—that's what's going on, plus, of course, the craggy components of lust, longing, ego, and so on. It's a hard line to walk.

 

Anyhow, I think you have a good read on this. Maybe the best you'll get is: yes, she was, and is, a genuinely confused person. She is deeply insecure, and male attention is her go to bandaid when those insecurities surface. That's human, but it's not a good look. Instead of processing, as you are, she's numbing herself, and you can bet that deep in her core she is not content with the choices she's making. She's not really moving forward easily, as you suggested earlier, but wallowing in a kind of vicious cycle. That pulls you in on occasion—you're invariably curious, wondering if the water has changed temperature, so to speak—but you seem really good at processing the fallout from those moments. And eventually you'll just stay out of the water.

 

For whatever it's worth: A month ago my ex of 6 months surprised me with a few texts that could be deciphered as expressing longing, anger, a desire for attention, whatever. It really annoyed me, as I'd been keeping distance, healing well, respecting (from what I heard) that she was maybe seeing someone. I stewed and stewed, annoyed at myself for stewing over these dregs but accepting it for what it was.

 

Then, this weekend, I had a surprising encounter with a new woman—an awesome connection that lead to intimacy—and it gave me some refreshing perspective on the joys that are out there to be had. In the morning I decided to respond to my ex, finally not really caring how she took it but just putting out the energy I want in the world. I just wanted to clear the air and energy—for me. Basically: "Hey, your texts a month ago confused me. I hope we can move forward with our lives gracefully, and hope you're well."

 

Maybe I get a hint of humanity, maybe nothing, maybe more drama—whatever. It wasn't about that. It was about clearing energy to free up space for myself to be able to embrace what's next. Sounds like you're on that path.

 

Despite people,repeating that time is the healer, it is replacing the feelings you had with your ex with another person that moves us on.

 

Time will lessen the pain but it is extremely difficult to get to indifference unless what you had was replaced.

 

Good for you for being open enough to allow another woman to make you feel good again.

[usa1ah]

I've apologized to the other girl. She is crazy, and I'm not sure that will help. That was a bad move on my part.

 

My ex is kind of mind **** ing me already, as you no doubt picked up on. I genuinely don't think she does it on purpose, but she does it. It comes from some deep insecurity, I think.

 

I can't stand that I made someone feel like that. Crazy or not. I can't stand it.

 

Of all people, I should know better.

 

I've got quite the knot to untangle now. Mea culpa.

 

And as SevenCity suggested, the heroin analogy is appropriate. It's like I'm addicted to her. Even when she drove away and I knew it was the right thing, a part of me was dying to see her go.

 

You've been exceptional with your support through all of this. So thanks man. I hope not to have to return the favor some day, but I would be honored to if it were ever necessary.

 

Thanks this means a lot.

 

Crazy can be fun.

 

Not trying to beat you down either. But I don’t believe she doesn’t know what she is doing. I do believe if you don’t find away to break from her then you will regret it later on. You have proven that you can tell her no or not invite her in. If not anger then indifference. Be civil with not hugs or anything else. Just like you did earlier with you saw her.

 

Now if this is a problem she has then what. Are you will to wait around until she finally decides who she wants at the time. Then a few weeks, months later she decides she wants someone else. There are some people that can never settle down with just one person, It sounds like she is this way. There is nothing you can do to help or change her if this is her. I just don’t think she will ever settle down. My mom never did after my parents divorced, she cheated on my dad and never remarried. Now that she is in her 70’s she has cats. She never found what she was looking for, she dated and broke up. I know she had 3 proposals and turned all three down.

 

So I do have some insight on your ex’s behavior. I honestly don’t see her settling down with what you have said.

Edited March 26, 2018 by usa1ah

[preraph]

Jack, I sympathize with you. My breakups were hard like yours in that it was inevitable I keep running into them as they were in the same extended crowd as me, plus I was never one to miss a gig. I think I skipped one gig one time to avoid when I just wasn't up to putting a face on. I have so many memories of running into them after the split. Like being at a gig in a large club and seeing him standing with his elbow on the bar, having to pass by there to get to the ladies' room, and not knowing what to do. Then later he'd say he couldn't believe I just walked on by and act hurt about it, when I was the one that was hurt. It didn't make sense to me. Being on the floor at a party talking to people when he'd walk in. Not being able to even form a lucid thought. One guy I later began seeing said in fact he met me at that party, and I don't even remember it. I thought the first time I saw him was when he walked in the record store a few days after the party and I thought he was cute and it was my job anyway, so I went and talked to him.

 

Then the worst was before the breakup, going to a concert he didn't invite me to and I wasn't sure why (we were all music-consumed; hence, the same crowd). So I went instead with a handsome coworker friend who knew the situation and had free tickets, and we ended up sitting right behind the guy I was in love with and apparently not exclusively dating, as he sat there with his arm around another woman. That was the worst. So bad that in fact, I cannot remember what concert it was.

 

Running into them is everything Patsy Cline ever said it would be in "I Fall to Pieces."

 

You have a good handle on reality, I'll say that for you. I teetered pretty near the edge a time or two on two of mine. But in the end I pulled myself together and made myself put on a dazzling smile before entering the room.

And most important, I made myself keep entering rooms.

[bluecastle]

Despite people,repeating that time is the healer, it is replacing the feelings you had with your ex with another person that moves us on.

 

Time will lessen the pain but it is extremely difficult to get to indifference unless what you had was replaced.

 

Good for you for being open enough to allow another woman to make you feel good again.

 

I agree with this, but with a caveat. I don't think you're quite able to let those new feelings for a new person in until you've given yourself proper time to grieve, reflect, regret, and so on. That peace with the past has to come from within before you can find new peace and joy externally.

 

In the past, without quite realizing this pattern, I've used other people to sate my wounds from the past. Sometimes this has lead to a great night, a great month, even a great years-long relationship.

 

But whatever I was burying invariably surfaced: being distant, not fully present, 80 percent committed, whatever. Working now on a new approach. One thing that made my new connection so nice is that I didn't have to hide the place I was in—it wasn't a date, it just kind of happened, so I wasn't performing and/or editing out certain truths, like the fact that I'm still a bit hung up on the past. Having that accepted was kind of amazing.