Try this on for a blindside

[jackofmany]

Edit: I could really use some responses to this. I am fighting a powerful urge to contact this woman and let her know how I feel.

 

I keep trying to get this off my chest and I keep not getting it right. Of course it is a breakup story, one that hit me out of nowhere. I should have seen it coming, but I didn't. Now, I have unfriended this ex on FB without giving her notice, and I go through pangs of regret over that, like I blew my last chance (which you will see it is unlikely I ever even had.) Short story, we were a very short, intense relationship that began after she had planned to move across the country; now, she is back with her ex that she was seeing before she moved (who she told me precious little about) and probably either moving back here, or having him move out there. Who knows? There is a point at which I stopped asking questions.

 

Here's a fun fact. Their getting back together happened on my dime. I had flown her back across the country for a visit, but things had happened leading up to this, things I was not entirely aware of.

 

It goes like this:

 

We only dated for two months before she left, and they were a whirlwind. I probably should have been suspicious of how quickly she went all in with me, just intense, intense chemistry. She started talking about not wanting to leave. I had a hard time with this and told her I was in a paradox. I wanted her to grow and I could see she needed to leave to do that, but I also wanted her to stay. We didn't communicate well enough here, I suppose, but I did tell her I'd fly out to see her asap, and when she got there she was lonely and homesick and we talked a lot about how we missed each other, etc. For the final two weeks we spent every night together. We took a weekend trip to Canada, upped the intensity knowing we were going into something difficult. It felt great but it sucked when she left.

 

So I visited her, and that was great. We shared a room for a little over a week and it seemed easy. We started talking about the fact that we had fallen in love. It was great. It was hard knowing it was going to end. "We have made a beautiful mess," she said. I made a fatal error. During one conversation she mentioned how it was unfair of her to expect me to wait for her, that if I met someone and so on. She said she was not interested in meeting other people but felt it was unfair of her to ask me since she had moved. I told her the reason I hadn't pressured her to stay in town with me was I could see she had to grow and that she would have resented me if I had told her to stay and her sadness grew, etc . . . I told her the same applied to her. If you meet someone, and so on . . . Apparently, this was the wrong thing to say.

 

When I returned home we resumed talking on the phone, but within a week or so the tone started to change. She seemed upset that I was not as enthusiastic as she was to talk. I felt that I was, but I was dealing with a few things: 1) I got horribly sick and 2) every time she talked about a great new thing happening for her in her city, I tried to put on a brave face and be enthusiastic, but really I was sad, because I felt like it meant she was not coming back. This, she has since said, came across as me seeming distant. This and me always saying ,"No pressure," about things. Still, I missed her. Her birthday was coming up, as was mine. I offered to buy her a ticket back for a week's visit as a gift to us both. She accepted. We started to seem to get our mojo back on the phone. This is now going into the fourth month or so of our acquaintance.

 

 

Something happened. Now this ex I mentioned, the one for whom she left me while on this particular flight back here, I knew little about him. She had mentioned other exes in the context of their relationships, but never him. She was always reading this book he gave her, but talked about him, when she did, as a friend. I missed an early warning sign, however. She did once accidentally call me his name when we were talking casually. I should have realized that meant something.

 

Ugh. This next part is hard to write.

 

So what happens is her ex flies out to visit her on her birthday. She tells me about this on the phone. "There's no getting around this," she says, "X showed up at work. I told him not to, but he's got a place to say nearby and etc . . ."

 

Initially, because she told me, and because I am convinced we are in love, this doesn't overly concern me. "Are you trying to tell me something deeper?" I ask. She says no.

 

Fast forward a few days and she has been kicked out of her house by her sister for making a ruckus in the kitchen late at night with her ex and her brother. She is telling me this story from a hotel room and sounds bummed out, but still no real indication of what's up except her saying she in angry at her ex for showing up.

 

Fast forward a few weeks where we seem to be returning to normal in our phone conversations. More texts. More pictures back and forth. But in retrospect I realize something was missing. Less "sweetie" and "honey". Less sexual innuendo. Then, a couple of days before she is scheduled to fly back, with me continuing to tell her how excited I am going to be to see her and her saying the same thing (the ex, by this time has also been back for about two weeks), and I get a text saying, "Hey I gotta have a quick chat with u". I get a bad feeling about it.

 

Well, that conversation turns out to be about how something happened between them while he was out there (duh! denial is crazy) and it with breaking horror it dawns on me that she is not talking about any kind of lost lonely moment of weakness but is now telling me she is in love with two people and feels like she has to make a choice.

 

She flies back, I remind you, on my dime.

 

We meet up for dinner. I figure we will get around to talking about this sooner or later, but I'll start it on the right foot and just get her to relax and laugh. This happens. Midway through dinner she just leans over and starts making out with me at the table. I take this as a sign that it was just the distance that made her forget our connection. I walk her home. We make out more. I have to work the next day. She is here on vacation. So she goes out for a bit, then comes back to my place at the end of the night and sleeps with me. We make out a bit before sleep, but something seems off. I don't pressure her. Just put my arms around her and hold her while she sleeps. For a few seconds there, I notice she is crying.

 

In the morning I leave her a love note and when I get home from work I notice she has also left me one. Things start to get real confusing. We meet to discuss the night and the notes and she acknowledges a confusion and I say well then we shouldn't be sleeping together. We "break up." She repeats this thing about confusion and being in love with two people at the same time. Etc. I tell her take care of herself and give her a loving kiss. I'll try she says, and walks away.

 

Thought that would be it right there, and it sucked, sucked knowing she was still in town. But that's what happened. Later she starts texting me, "ouch. this hurts" and "why can't I come sleep with u?"

 

We meet up again. I tell her I would prefer to have her sleep with me every night. I am fairly open about my feeling with her. She tells me that one of her problems with me when she was that I was always putting no pressure on her, saying everything could be "light" and it made her feel like I was indifferent. I assure her I am not (even though in the beginning she was the one who asked if we could keep it light). We spend another night together. This time, in the morning, we have sex, and linger in bed for hours. She seems really happy. Like genuinely really happy. But when I ask her if I can take her out to dinner, she gets a little sheepish. She is supposed to leave the following day. I tell her I want to take her out and treat her like a queen. Etc . . . It seems both good and bad. She takes off to start her day.

 

Four hours later I get a phone call and I can hear something in her voice, "I'm afraid no matter what I do I'm going to break your heart." This tells me everything I need to know, but we meet up to talk anyway. Ooof. This hurts to write. She had gone to meet her ex. Her ex and her have "unfinished business." She is going forward with him. She is still in love with me, in love with both of us in different ways, but has to make a decision. She is crying.

 

I make my only case, the one I flew her across the country to make. I tell her I am saying these things because I need her to hear them, not because of what she just told me. I talk about the possibility of an amazing life together. But I tell her I heard what she said and there is nothing I can do but let her go. She asks me what I need from her. "Space?" she says. Yes, I agree. I will need space. I start to realize we are going to go in a circle. I have said what I can, let her know I love her, etc . . . but she has made a decision. I suggest I walk her to her car. I do. We hug and both say, "I love you," at the same time, like weirdos.

 

To lighten the moment, I say, "We'll always have Montreal," because that was our best excursion. Then I put my hand gently on her face kiss her her softly on the lips and say, "I hope you change your mind," and walk away. Hardest thing I've done. It hurt like hell.

 

The following day, the day she is supposed to leave, I get a text message saying in so many words. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was conflicted sooner. I didn't realize how much I was going to love you. I thought I could just bury my past because I was so confident in my love for you. You are unlike anyone I have ever loved. I'm sorry and I want you to forgive me. I'll be waiting."

 

I do note the way this is phrased, "I want . . . I will be waiting." And I think, well that's selfish, and not how I would go about giving someone space. I do not reply. The following day I get another text, "I don't expect u to say anything, but I find your silence upsetting. You walked away so easily."

 

Well, that got to me. I replied. More or less I said, consider how you acted this week, the way you were with me. The way you were the morning you decided to go back to your ex, who you stayed an extra day to go out with. That was poison. I didn't walk away. You did. Live with your decision and leave me alone.

 

As you can see, I lost my cool, and engaged. This could not have gone worse. I start to get more messages, saying she would like to talk again, for closure. I do not reply. Then I get one that spits vile at me, saying I am the one who is being poison and a coward for sending an accusatory text after we said goodbye and then just not replying. This leads eventually to a conversation on the phone which is a dim reflection of the one we had in the park, except now she is a little less ambiguous. She talks about it being "too late" for us and "why it didn't work out" as well as makes a firmer sounding pitch about her ex, what he did right, why she is going in that direction.

 

She says she is still in love with me, that her feelings haven't changed, etc. But this changes nothing and I really don't get why she is saying it. I recognize the moment again. Things are about to go in a circle. Plus I can hear in her voice she is getting tired. If nothing else I am going to initiate getting off the phone. This time I don't say I love her I just tell her I wish her well and that I am now going to go back to what I said in the park and take the space I need. I tell her I don't fall in love easily and I don't fall out of love easily. We were both poetry nerds. I tell her Pablo Neruda said it better than I will say it anyway in his poem If You Forget Me. Finally, exhaustingly, I say, without meaning to, "You have my love." I hear her say something like, "I hope we talk again . . ." but I can't tell if she says 'soon' or 'someday' because I am in the middle of saying, "I wish you all the best." And I get the hell off the phone.

 

That is the last contact I have had with her. That was 10 days ago. About a week ago, after deciding it was just to risky and painful to keep her as a FB friend, I unfriended her, without telling her. I have been going through the usual things. It is incredibly difficult. The love note I left her one on of the nights she slept at my place said, "leaving you in the morning is the hardest thing to do." I reminded her of this on the phone the last time we talked, because she said I had walked away so easily. I told her it was not easy. It was the most difficult thing in the world, but I had to do it, because she had made her choice.

 

And it is hard. 10 days. I miss her. I don't understand what happened. I was a rebound, I guess. There is a huge part of me that is angry, not just because of what happened, but how. I flew a woman across the country to try to show her how much I loved and wanted to be with her and she used that time to break up with me and rededicate herself to an ex. Ow.

 

I don't suppose I have any questions. I am not trying to play games. It is true what I said about my heart. I don't fall in or out of love easily. I am still in love with her. I guess I don't want to be. I mean, what I want is to be back in that easy sort of love we seemed to be in, to win the girl, as they say. But I see no road back. This woman was in my arms in the morning, intimately, and then hours later chose another man. She looked at me so lovingly before she left and broke my heart. How could I ever trust her again, anyway? She had to know that. She had to know she would leave this broken. It pains me to say, but it's true.

 

She says things about wanting to talk again, feeling the same way, still being in love. Why would she do things like that? That really gets to me. Why? Why throw out crumbs of hope to a man who has treated you well and whose heart you are breaking. What on earth just happened to me?

 

Also, I keep intrusively thinking about them happy and getting married and the whole nine, while I am here wincing. It sucks.

Edited September 13, 2017 by jackofmany

[jackofmany]

Maybe if I put this another way, I can get some perspective.

 

Take a look at the above. I am tempted to contact her for two reasons:

 

1) To not appear aloof, as she said that was the problem and what led to her feeling disconnected from me. Not sure feeling disconnected is enough justification for what happened, but. . .

 

and

 

2) To address the fact that she accepted the ticket I bought her, talked to me for weeks before coming here, knowing she had this conflict, which she did not disclose until like the night before flying here, and then flew here, spent the week toying with my emotions, only to break my heart and get back together with her ex on her last night here. Part of me want to be like, "At least pay me for the ticket, which you should not have accepted in the first place."

 

What do you think?

[kgcolonel]

Jack,

 

From what i can see from here, you should cut your loses. Yes, she should not have accepted the ticket, yes she should have paid you for the ticket upon the break and yes she is likely conflicted. However, she has also communicated to you that she has made her choice. I once had a buddy who's wife had cheated and ended in a divorce. He was hurting really bad and feeling betrayed. I asked him....so, if she walked into this hotel lobby right now and wanted to R and was truly sincere, do you think that you would ever fully trust her again. Do you think you could ever re-create what you had, would you forever have a question in your head, would she do this again? He admitted that yes there would always be doubts and no the relationship would never be the same....you see I knew all these things because I had lived that scenario already years before.

 

So, let her go, turn around and look for someone who would chose you no matter what. Someone who can fully commit to you and be all that you want and need in life. They are out there and don't settle for anything less. And most of all, accept that you had a wonderful time with your ex but that chapter is closed and can never be reread.

 

Best of life to you......

[tnt41]

Unless you bought that ticket on the condition that she pay you back if things didn't go your way, it's really not your place to ask for money. It definitely won't earn you any favors with her, & an argument will only set you back in your healing. You'd probably never get a dime if you asked for it, anyway.

 

Also, don't worry about being aloof right now. You've made yourself clear, & it's her decision to make next. I honestly believe that you are better off never talking to her again, but I understand how irrational heartbreak makes us. It's much more difficult to see the good in the relationship's end when you're all wrapped up in it. If you can swing it, though, go NC indefinitely, & block her from everything.

[jackofmany]

These are helpful perspectives.

 

I have wrestled particularly hard with the "if she walked back in the door right now . . . could you trust her?" And, yeah, the answer is no.

 

There is no path back. This is a completely new situation to me.

 

The money too, good point. I might get a "I will as soon as have it," which would be never.

 

The thing about cutting losses in a situation like this, I guess, is how to cut attachment to the trauma. I somehow give a care how things work out between them, like I hope it doesn't.

 

What I'd like to do is get to the point where I don't care at all. Easier said than done, and I am sure to have episodes of wanting to contact her and get her back day to day for a while.

 

But seriously, these are helpful. Very helpful. Because I make all the arguments in my head, for and against. Hearing some of the ratified by actual people is a welcome jolt.

[Goodguy05]

Rarely does it work going back to an ex. He's an ex for a reason. The same issues will resurface at some stage

[jackofmany]

Well, it seems petty, of course, but I hope not.

 

The thing is their issues apparently were relatively straightforward. He had just left his marriage when they were together and was a mess. He needed to straighten himself out and stop looking backward. According to her, he has.

 

This is probably pointless speculation on my part. But, for me, it seems to be getting worse as NC drags on. I find myself thinking more and more that I have to do the same thing he did, make a big romantic gesture, do something to maintain contact as a friend, etc . . . something to get her to see I am not this indifferent man she thought I was (even though i flew across the country to see her and then flew her back).

 

It's a head over heart fight and it's a hard one. All I did last night was dream about her in the most painful ways.

[jackofmany]

The thing is, when I think about it, the man had a plan all along. I don't think he was too aware of how serious I thought things were between her and me.

 

But he took his time, re-established a friendship with her even while she was seeing me (I didn't hear too much about this, but she was always reading that book her gave her), gave it some time and distance, and then made a grand romantic play, followed up by remaining calm as she was here, and then making a relaxed, confident "offer" before she left.

 

He just won. I didn't even know the fight was on.

[jackofmany]

I started this, so let me finish it.

 

A mutual friend informed me today that her ex has embarked on a trip cross country to go live or be there or whatever with her.

 

When I first heard this, it hit me like an anvil from the sky.

 

But in the time since a strange calm has settled over me. I no longer feel the need to contact her. I no longer feel the need to question what I could have done. And I am so f'n glad I did not give in to the urge to write some kind of "would've, could've" letter or whatever it is I was contemplating.

 

My imagination is no longer torturing me. This is hard, yes. Real hard. I'm sure it will continue to be, but I think this is a good thing.

 

My friend who told me said, "You were going to find out anyway. I figured it was better you heard it from me."

 

It was.

 

Petty story: I was a rebound.

 

Optimistic story: I dodged a bullet.

 

Somewhere between these two things lies reality.

 

One inch closer to that now. I no longer regret the unfriending, and I no longer feel the need for contact.

 

That might be something like progress.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Been]

I went through the same EXACT thing you went through except mine lasted a lot longer.

She would tell me how confused she was about me and her ex. Then she would tell me how much she was in love with me.......all the while talking to her ex.

She would break it off with me and go back to him then 3 months latter she "realized" how much she loved me and would comeback.

She was full of it. She knew that her ex would always screw up and she would have me to fallback to. Then her ex would make some improvements she felt worthy enough to dump me and of course her ex's improvements would end up being lies and she would come running back to me.

I bailed her out on so many bills I couldn't list them all. I helped her get a house and it was never enough. Her ex was always lurking in the background.

You dodged a bullet. Trust me.

[Fever of love]

Love is a battlefield for sure, and the issue is further complicated by the fact that in the modern age, one or both parties may not even realise that they are at a state of war.

 

To fight over a woman, is older than humanity itself, given that similar behavior is common in all species, from beetles to birds. I believe it is pretty much encoded into our DNA, and although the drive is tamed and modified by our civilised and law-abiding culture, it's still there.

 

In the same way male peacocks compete for a mate by elaborate tail displays, human males, in the 21st century, compete with ever-more baroque modes of seduction: the air-plane ticket, the carefully crafted love-note, the whittled words.

 

Not so long ago, the dueling pistol was considered an honorable solution to situations such as, and I got to admit that I personally can see the legitimacy of the method. Would it not feel good to march round to our rival's abode, and issue a challenge which he could not refuse, at risk of social exclusion and loss of dignity?

 

Mano-et-mano, pistols at dawn.

 

Come on, what man on this board can say that the old fashioned method has not at least passed through their mind? All these mealy-mouthed love notes, all these neurotic emails? Gone in a flash and a puff of lack-powder smoke.

 

Love is war, by any other name.

 

I do not mean to deny the women of the board agency, but the transgression in these cases is often on the part of the rival, more then the woman involved. It's not about winning her back. She can lie there weeping over her fallen lover, while we walk away, dignity and honour intact.

[ChatroomHero]

This is a tough one. I don't think she was being directly horrible and using you as a rebound, or at least intentionally, and probably chose the easier path for her in the end.

 

 

However, I think contacting her is a bad thing. If she ever contacts you, your response should be, "There is a huge part of me that is angry, not just because of what happened, but how. I flew a woman across the country to try to show her how much I loved and wanted to be with her and she used that time to break up with me and rededicate herself to an ex. Ow."...and finish with, "And that is why I don't want to have any more contact with you."

 

 

So emotionally I think what happened may not exactly be her 'fault'exactly, but how she resolved it was.

 

 

What would make it easy for me to not contact her would be the best case scenario would not be good. If she said she made a mistake and wanted you, you might always wonder when the other shoe would drop and she would change her mind. You would have to wonder if she would consider you the wrong choice at times and romanticize her ex looking back through rose colored glasses. She would probably have doubts she made the right decision moving forward. She would be with you and definitely at times missing him.

 

 

I'd be happier if that kind of relationship was some other guy's problem to deal with. It sucks, but if it were me I would think it was at the point where even if I could get her back, I could never go back. The would make me want to avoid contacting her, the depressing outcome no matter which way it ended up.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry about what happened. I guess she is genuinely conflicted and, as a result, is feeling guilty. But, you are right, she chose him and she has to live with that. I think you did the right thing. In general, you acted with dignity. She is the one who seems to be mixed up. I'd keep away from her at the very least until the relationship with him has run its course. She doesn't sound very reliable and it was not fair of her to meet up with her ex when you paid for her travel. She seems to have poor boundaries.

[Captivating]

Jack,

I understand your agony, this is messed up.

I see a pattern of attention seeking, manipulating, taking advantage of you (ticket), then flipping the table when she should be owning up to her wrong doing, blaming you of course. Saying that you walked away.

Do you think that she is a narcissist?

 

Please DO NOT contact her ( and don't let her contact you either), especially not for the price of the ticket.

If she told the truth about being in love with two men, I doubt that she will be happy again with that guy.....

1. she will miss you, especially if you keep being in NC.

 

2. If the other guy knows about this mess, sooner or later this will be a returning topic of conversation (fight) between them, he will doubt their relationship as well.

If things go south, she might be back .... but you don't want to be her second pick.

 

3. My guess is, that she went back because they had a longer history..... however, that relationship ended for a reason .... that reason might be still lingering

 

It is not worth contacting her, I would not give her this satisfaction.

Keep her wondering!

You handled yourself well, very graciously ... even if you do not think so.

The only thing that should not happen again, if a girl says she has feelings for another guy ... do not sleep with her again. You need to communicate your standards better in the future.

Good for you on deleting her on social media ! It will take time to get over this, but be patient and be kind to yourself !

[jackofmany]

You guys are right, and have a more balanced perspective than me. And Been, I would especially like to know how you dealt with the anger here. I have come to the reluctant conclusion that there is no way back. It made me sad for a while.

 

Now I am seething with anger, and I don't know what to do with it. Part of it is about the flying across the country, but even more of it has to do with the few weeks or so run up to that, and her actions towards me during her time here. She was not clear she had a conflict until a few days before getting on that plane, even though we were in touch every day.

 

It is all I can do not to write her a letter saying that for me to get closure I need to know I view the last few weeks as essentially abusive. All the way until the final morning we slept together, she was giving me signs that she was still interested.

 

Even during the actual break up conversations, she kept saying, "My feelings for you haven't changed," and "I'm still in love with you." While also saying the same about the other guy.

 

I am angry at myself for breaking no contact once. Because when I let her go the first time, at least I had my dignity. But she drew an angry response from me and then a couple of phone conversations where she got me to retract my harsher words, tell her I understood her, still wanted to be together, and would work on forgiving her. Everything she needed. Now I am just here holding the bag.

 

As Chatroom here says, "However, I think contacting her is a bad thing. If she ever contacts you, your response should be, "There is a huge part of me that is angry, not just because of what happened, but how. I flew a woman across the country to try to show her how much I loved and wanted to be with her and she used that time to break up with me and rededicate herself to an ex. Ow."...and finish with, "And that is why I don't want to have any more contact with you."

 

 

I like this sentiment. But it is so hard not to want to contact her to tell her these things. She felt bad enough to ask for forgiveness right after. I'm sure the two weeks or so which have past since we last spoke has been plenty of time for her to let it go and begin to feel light, as she has this new romance, or old one, rekindling.

 

I am seriously angry at her too for never mentioning that. She had many chances too.

 

In those same two weeks I have been suffering miserably. Today, all I feel is anger and this urge to contact.

 

Please, because I can really use it, remind my I should not. Today, it feels like a stab at closure. I can't be thinking straight.

[jackofmany]

 

It is not worth contacting her, I would not give her this satisfaction.

Keep her wondering!

You handled yourself well, very graciously ... even if you do not think so.

The only thing that should not happen again, if a girl says she has feelings for another guy ... do not sleep with her again. You need to communicate your standards better in the future.

Good for you on deleting her on social media ! It will take time to get over this, but be patient and be kind to yourself !

 

Thank you so much for replying. I wrote a little bit about the desire to contact her above. It is SO strong. I am trying not to think too much about their relationship. But that is also hard. In my mind, it is perfect. He is now driving across the country to go be with her, and their issue as I understand it was that he was formerly not fully over his ex-wife, who he had just divorced when they first dated.

 

The crazy thing, the thing that makes me so mad, is that these feelings for him HAD to be there in the background. I feel like I had a right to know. I would have been more careful with my heart. There was an incident right when we were starting to date when a woman I had a casual thing with saw us together and kind of flipped out, leading to the woman I am speaking about here asking me if there were any kind of "romantic overlap." I assured her there was not and we had a small conversation about such things. She was quite clear she wanted nothing to do with anything like that.

 

In our short relationship, she mentioned other boyfriends (not this one), but always in the context of "all the other men I've dated have been losers." The NIGHT before this all went down, she even brought up this other guy, saying "X is just looking for someone to fill the whole his X wife left."

 

Whatever he did the next day convinced her that he had already filled that whole, and she went back to him. Yes, I am sure because it was easier. I cannot as easily pack up my life and move across the country. But also because it must have been there all along.

 

I'm sure some of it is timing. She moved. She began to feel some distance between us. He showed up out of the blue. Then I happened to fly her back right to where he could pick up where he left off.

 

Oh God, I am seething with anger. How do I get rid of it without contacting her?

[Fever of love]

 

Oh God, I am seething with anger. How do I get rid of it without contacting her?

 

Do you want to be persuaded not to contact her, or to contact her?

 

If you seek reinforcement of your NC, then you should think about what you hope to achieve by contacting her. Do you imagine she will apologise, and that you will feel vindicated? Because that is very unlikely. More likely she will ignore you, frustrate you, or otherwise aggravate you, and you will find yourself even more furious.

 

On the other hand- is NC what you really want? NC can be a really useful strategy for healing and moving on, but I think the one-size-fits all application of NC can be counter productive. I had been NC with my former paramour for 2 months until yesterday, when against all board advise I contacted her via Messenger.

 

It was quite nice. The first civil conversation I've had with her since June the 17th.

 

So- you correctly alluded to the fact that courtship is game, and love is a battlefield, and that you feel that you have been defeated, played for a fool.

 

Do your think her other suitor resorted to NC when she was with you? If he had resorted to NC when she was with you, do you think he would be with her now?

 

I do however detect the degree to which your object of desire is motivated by the 'push/pull; of love dynamics. When her other guy was fixated with his wife, he was pilling away from her and pushing towards his own ex-wife. This caused her to chase after him, and become emotionally fixated on him- causing her to push her energies after him.

 

You, on the other hand, have been pushing hard towards her. To extend the military metaphor, you have been on the attack. This naturally caused your enemy/love to retreat from the barrage of your 'affections.'

 

The other guy simply played a better game- up until now.

 

In this context- contacting your ex to deliver some harsh words would be very much a continuation of your previous 'hard push' strategy, and will have counter-productive results. It will further cement that her decision between her two suitors was the right one, and push her closer to your rival.

[doyathinkso]

Sorry to have to bring this up jack but I'm kind of thinking it might be a smart thing to go see your doctor for a full STD screening.

 

Your lost love was not so pure as you think.

[jackofmany]

As much as this all sucks, and as much I want it to be different, and as much as I want it to be a case of her just being evil and manipulative and selfish, I am forced to admit I fell in love with her for a reason, and I understand why someone else who had the chance to do so would go all in for her like this. I would have.

 

I also have to admit that confused though she may have been she would not have walked away from what we had if she were not fairly sure of what there could be between them. They are going to go all in. I know I need to detach myself from the outcome, but it seems like their getting married, etc . . . is more a matter of when than if. You just don't make the kind of moves he made if that is not your intention, and you don't react the way she did if that is not your intention too.

 

The reason I won't contact her is not strategic. I don't see a way of getting her back, and obviously not now, as they are preparing to begin a life together. And, as others have said, if she "came back" what could there really be?

 

This is just so incredibly hard and I am so incredibly hurt and angry and having such a hard time moving on. Every day I think I see a possible hope, even though I have to make wilder and wilder imaginings to do it.

 

Also, there is no real reason for her to contact me. She got what she needed. The one thing I had going for me, in terms of dignity, was that I walked away the first time with my head held high. It made her wonder.

 

What I did on the phone was become typical. I made it quite clear I would do anything to get her back. I put her in a position where she could say, "It's too late," and then tell me she was angry at me for saying all this now. I told her she had my love and I wished her well and that I would work on forgiving her.

 

She needs nothing else. I will not contact her, because it is a recipe for misery. She will not contact me, because she has moved on (these few weeks have probably more or less put me out of her mind completely; she has her man coming across the country to think about).

 

I am in absolute agony and it is unfair but I don't know what to do about it. I am obsessively thinking about woman who has moved on from me.

 

Good lord it makes me angry.

[jackofmany]

What I can't figure out is why the pain seems to be getting worse. Instead of obsessing less I am obsessing more, in circles.

 

I cannot seem to accept reality.

 

They are going to be 3000 miles across the country, at least for a little while (I dream them returning) and all I do is make more and more heart wrenching of their future to stab myself in the heart with.

 

And I idealize her more. I need to find a way to stop.

[doyathinkso]

Get a grip on yourself.

 

You actually dodged a bullet, and by sheer dumb luck apparently.

 

Now go make a doctor's appointment.

[jackofmany]

Get a grip on yourself.

 

You actually dodged a bullet, and by sheer dumb luck apparently.

 

Now go make a doctor's appointment.

 

I am working on it, homeboy. If it is not appropriate to vent in here, listen, I'll stop. I have made an appointment with a doctor.

 

People's responses help. Hearing 'you dodged a bullet' helps.

 

I am not so far gone as not to see how pathetically funny my situation would look from the outside, and hopefully looks to me in the not so distant future. I'm here for the support, you know? Yours counts. All of it counts.

 

And look, you know, the femme fatale that's a real thing. I don't say that to reduce a complex human being to a stereotype. I give this woman more credit than maybe she deserves for just being confused. I like hearing things that help me see her in a less flattering light. I like it a lot. But she is still a human being. A selfish one, yes. But . . .

 

Anyway, the grip. I'm freaking trying, man. If it were that easy, I wouldn't be writing.

[Marc878]

You've wasted more time on this thread than she was worth.

 

I'd bet she not wasting any time on you.

 

Why???

[Giggles666]

DO NOT CONTACT HER

 

You state you are obsessed with trying to figure this all out. That is understandable, lol half of us here are going through that right now. You also mention idealizing her, and your emotions.

 

I think from what I read it's your ego more than anything right now, also quite normal. Her and this other guy, and figuring out what happened or will happen is your ego, it hurts but as you said in a couple months you might be like "WTF was I thinking"?

 

3 reasons not to contact her....

 

1. You can do so much better for yourself. This whole whirlwind thing sounded like a rebound, she may not have done it intentionally to hurt you but it sounds like a rebound.

 

2. She is his problem now, if things do not work out guess who she is going to contact? You do not want that it's going to greatly affect reason #3. A little motivation too, if she realizes things aren't going to work and she can't play with you she will have lost her backup plan.

 

3. You need no contact to heal, to get over this. You need to just move on and take your own advice of you "might laugh about this soon enough".

 

You're never going to have a good or stable relationship with this woman, your ego is hurting, confused and looking for answers contacting her will only make it WORSE.

 

I hope you feel better soon, and totally understand your emotions, egos, and NO CONTACT. It's for you, she did you a favor now try and move forward, one day you will thank yourself, her, and understanding egos suck at times lol. Hope is not your friend in this time either, lose any forms of it....it will help you move on.

[Been]

First thing is that yo have to come to the realization that pretty much everything that was said to you wasn't true or that it was designed to steer the relationship to benefit their needs.

Second thing is that their were plenty of red flags waving around that shouldn't have been ignored. At the time you are so concerned about appeasing that person you ignored the warning signs.

Third. You could have done nothing differently to change the outcome.

Fourth was do something with your time. Sitting around being angry didn't take away what was done. It just made it worse. Think of something you've always wanted to do and do it- I chose to go to the gym.

It's OK to be upset. But don't dwell on it.