Try this on for a blindside

[spiderowl]

It is entirely understandable that you are angry. It is also understandable that you should want to make sense of all this. It does not make sense to fly to be with someone and then get back with an ex. It especially does not make sense for her not to warn you about her conflict. At least you would have had a heads up. She probably didn't know what to say and was waiting for it all to become clear to her.

 

Your mind is trying to make sense of something that is irrational and impossible. It will struggle. Once you accept that there is not a rational or explainable answer, you will find it easier to let go. She hurt you so anger is appropriate. People who do not know their own feelings are loose cannons. They mess others about and upset them. I have a friend who was chased by a guy who was practically obsessed with her and felt he'd fallen in love with her. Three weeks later he has moved on to some other poor 'victim' and abandoned my friend without any explanation. She found out he had a history of this type of behaviour. She is devastated. How could he 'come on' so strong and lose interest so fast? He was convincing enough. These people should be 'rated' on amazon so that future victims can be forewarned.

Edited September 17, 2017 by spiderowl

[jackofmany]

I do understand those of you who are saying, stop obsessing and move on. That's what I'm trying to do.

 

I am also patiently waiting to try to get to some therapy where I can spin this whole thing out with professional help, because apparently I need it.

 

But two things:

 

1) One of the reasons I think it is so difficult to let this go is because I have literally zero bad memories of our time together, right up until the last few hours. Yes, if I look back, some signs were there. I should have figure out she was pulling away on the phone over the course of the weeks, that she was disconnecting from me while I was still holding on to her. But the truth is in out short times together, every single moment spent in each other's present was pretty much great. It ended during the honeymoon period. So I am mourning an idealized image of a person and a relationship, and it makes it hard for me to see what everyone has been saying, that she was bad for me.

 

2) Yesterday, as I finally got around to doing some things I needed to do, I found her favorite necklace lying on the side of my bed. It's not lavish, but it's not exactly cheap either. In any case, it is uniquely her, and of course it stung to discover. She must have figured out by now where she lost it. What the heck do I do with it? I could mail it with no note. I could give it to a mutual friend or something. I could do nothing. I do not want to have contact with her. I am by no means ready for that. I'm sure this seems trivial.

 

But once again, I find myself dwelling in the past. What I want to know is does anyone know any specific techniques for moving forward more quickly, or for getting an idealized image out of your head.

 

I don't want to idealize her. Try as I might to see her as a pure sociopath, I can't quite get there either. I just want to forget her.

[jackofmany]

Let me re-phrase that.

 

Should I, and if so how, return the necklace?

[Marc878]

Go through your place and purge everything of her. Delete any pics etc.

 

I'd just give it away or dump it.

 

If you do send it back put it in a plan envelope without a note, etc. IMO this would just be asking to prlong this.

[jackofmany]

I'm sure she's not wasting any time on this either, just so you know.

 

That drives me up a wall. Thinking of her and her ex, now new, man.

 

Me, every day I wake up thinking maybe it'll be better today, and I half believe it. Then by the middle of the day, the heart pangs start.

 

I know everyone says just move on. Of course. It's just that instead of getting easier, it's getting harder.

 

I keep replaying the things I "should have" done [been more direct with her about wanting to stay exclusive when she moved] and I also keep trying to figure out how the heck she went from being "in love" with me, to being "in love" with both of us at the same time, to gone so freaking quickly.

 

I don't necessarily think she expected to fall for her ex again. But there must have been something there, right? I mean, how could that happen out of the blue? It makes no sense to me.

[jackofmany]

So, as I was uselessly ruminating on this earlier this morning, sleeping far too late and not checking text messages from my friends as I heard them come in on my phone, one of them was a tepid message from her. I didn't even want to read it, to be honest, because I thought it might be hurtful in some way. It was essentially this:

 

Hi. Hope you are well. Thinking of and missing you . . . etc.

 

A breadcrumb.

 

What I want to know is would you ignore it, or would you respond with a stronger message of no contact?

 

Personally, I don't get it. She left me for someone else. That should say everything. I find the fact that she says she is missing me in the midst of such a situation very disrespectful.

[spiderowl]

You just don't tell someone you are 'in love' with them when you know you love someone else. If you are truly in love with someone, no-one else would get a look-in. She lives in fantasy land. She is likely to try to come back in some form because her fantasy of the other guy will pretty soon turn into boring reality. Don't let her. She drags people into her fantasy world and hurts them. She is not likely to change. If she has chance to mess you about again, she will, then she will move on to some other 'lucky' guy who she will also claim to be in love with. Seriously, I do not think this woman knows what the truth is.

 

Yes, they are breadcrumbs and probably a sign that she is having second thoughts about this other guy she claims to love. This guy, who has presumably left his wife and flown across country to be with her, is about to realise he made a big mistake. She will dump him as soon as she gets bored. I don't think this woman knows what love means. You do. Be proud of that and aim to find yourself a woman who also knows the meaning of love.

Edited September 24, 2017 by spiderowl

[Captivating]

What I can't figure out is why the pain seems to be getting worse. Instead of obsessing less I am obsessing more, in circles.

 

I cannot seem to accept reality.

 

They are going to be 3000 miles across the country, at least for a little while (I dream them returning) and all I do is make more and more heart wrenching of their future to stab myself in the heart with.

 

And I idealize her more. I need to find a way to stop.

 

Jack,

Please watch a great video about our "obsessed " mind, it is really helpful for understanding how our brain works after a shocking event occurs such as a breakup .....

You are possibly at the anger stage of post breakup, it is normal to feel like that, but never ever act on this please, channel it through hard workouts, or go run 10 laps, swim or clean your house/apt squeaky clean every week etc.

 

Be patient, things will calm down, it is hard, I know (been there )..HUGS!

Please watch this :

[Been]

I agree with that poster. She moves quickly and tells how she tells that person how he's the love of her life, he's the best,etc.

But then the fantasy starts to fade. Reality sits in. She starts to get bored.

She wants that "rush" she everything was new. Fresh.

See she wants instant gratification. If something becomes too hard or she deems too difficult she jumps ship. But she always leaves a line open so that door doesn't close.

You see your ex is an attention whore. You didn't do anything wrong and it wouldn't have mattered what you did or didn't with her- she craves CONSTANT attention. And I think that's what you haven't come to terms with yet.

As soon as she gets mad or disappointed with her ex or whoever for that matter shell seek attention from you. And then as soon as you disappoint her in some way-and you won't even know it- she will reach out to her ex telling him how much of a mistake leaving him was,how it will be different,etc. Bottom line is she isn't a one man woman. J

[jackofmany]

These are all helpful perspectives, seriously.

 

I think there might be something to what you are saying, Been, about her needing attention. The picture in my head of her is shifting rapidly. She was so convincing when I thought we were in love.

 

I did watch that video Captivating, and I am trying to think of how I can use those techniques to help stop this obsessing because I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO. It is driving me crazy.

 

I hope everyone is right about her. It's very hard for me to see that now. I just see someone who used me as a rebound and didn't tell me that was what was happening. I think she wanted this other guy to get his act together all along and to do exactly what he did. It hurts, but that's what I think.

 

Spiderowl, I found your insights particularly helpful. What did you mean by this: "You just don't tell someone you are 'in love' with them when you know you love someone else. If you are truly in love with someone, no-one else would get a look-in. "

 

And as for the breadcrumb, do I ignore it? Or should I write back something along the lines of "Given the circumstances, I find this text disrespectful to me and x. Please do not contact me further."

 

I know its a judgment call. And even though it is insane, there is a part of me that is suspicious of my own judgment. There is a stupid part of my heart that still doesn't realize she is not the person I thought she was, or that she is gone, and that wants her back. I am trying to guard myself against it.

 

The other thing is, according to her, she didn't reach out to her ex. She says she tried to keep him away, but that he just came out and made his play anyway, so I don't know about the back and forth thing.

Edited September 24, 2017 by jackofmany

[Been]

As far as the text is concerned what's the point of responding? All it does in my opinion is allow her to remain in your life in some capacity. And more importantly it doesn't allow you to move forward-you will still be trying to figure out the meaning of her texts when deep down you already know what she's about.

I think the person that posted the response about saying you love someone is that you just don't throw that word around like it's nothing.

[Fever of love]

The other thing is, according to her, she didn't reach out to her ex. She says she tried to keep him away, but that he just came out and made his play anyway, so I don't know about the back and forth thing.

 

How do you know this? And do you know what his play was?

 

Anyway I very much relate to what you're saying about feeling divided against yourself.

 

Richard Dawkins says that men are corded at the genetic level for loyalty to exes, while women move on quickly and never look back. That would be because for most of evolutionary history, sex meant babies, and so for if a guy had an ex anywhere in the world, it is in his genetic interest to continue to protect that woman, and his child. And yes, to 'chase off' rivals.

 

Women, on the other hand, are shaped by an evolutionary environment where men were killed far more often than in modern times, by rival bands of cavemen or animals or whatever, and the woman that would not have sex with a new guy due to attachment to her dead husband would not be able to survive and pass on here genes.

 

I don't generally like Dawkins' reductive view of human nature, but this is meant to explain the conflicting motivations we feel: we're programmed at a genetic level to bond with a mate, and yet the circumstances of modern life mean that our rational mind is often at odds with this, and is struggling to 'let go,' or 'move on.'

 

Civilized behavior is a thin crust on top of the deep primal soup of human sexual/mating practices, and what we're experiencing is a result of conflicting drives, which are causing a degree of cognitive dissonance.

[jackofmany]

I know some people are sick of this, but I have to keep airing this stuff out or I'll go crazy. All replies are appreciated.

 

Today, out of nowhere, just when I had settled into thinking, well, I was a rebound, I find myself mercilessly blaming myself for this going wrong.

 

One of the things she said to me was I kept things too light (mind you, when we started she asked me if we could keep things light), and there weren't enough good morning text messages or facebook likes, etc . . .

 

There was some of that, of course, but I was trying to be measured, probably playing it too cool. Bear in mind we had only been seeing each other for a couple of months (if that) before she moved, and by the last two weeks were spending every night together.

 

When we were physically in the same place -- this was true throughout -- there was no playing it cool. But I also didn't want to scare her off, so I gave her space.

 

When she moved I guess I gave her too much space. I feel now like I should have been calling and texting a lot more. I thought flying out to see her and flying her back would show her how serious I was, but maybe not.

 

We just didn't have enough contact, I guess. The other guy was in contact throughout, I am sure, though of course she didn't mention this, nor the notion that there was any potential romantic connection there.

 

That part I don't get.

 

But today I keep going over and over it, like if I had just done more, sent flowers, whatever, been more romantic, the things I'm sure this guy does, I'd still have her.

 

That text she sent me recently has done a number on me. I didn't reply, and I feel like that probably confirms everything she thought about me.

 

The urge to contact her today is overwhelming. Overwhelming. That's part of why I'm writing in here. I can't believe how long this is taking, nor how much I feel like there is supposed to be someway back.

[Been]

You kept things light because SHE asked you to and your blaming yourself.

No matter what you would have done the outcome would have remained the same. She USED you and I don't mean to sound harsh but its true.

I know you can't fathom why another person could do what she did and its hard to know someone did this to you.

What you have to understand is she is selfish and only cares about herself. Almost everything she told you is more then likely designed to appease you. I would bet 90% of what she told you is bs.

People like her don't change they just become better at playing the game.

[jackofmany]

You kept things light because SHE asked you to and your blaming yourself.

No matter what you would have done the outcome would have remained the same. She USED you and I don't mean to sound harsh but its true.

I know you can't fathom why another person could do what she did and its hard to know someone did this to you.

What you have to understand is she is selfish and only cares about herself. Almost everything she told you is more then likely designed to appease you. I would bet 90% of what she told you is bs.

People like her don't change they just become better at playing the game.

 

Been,

 

Thanks for all your replies, seriously.

 

What would you imagine the purpose of her sending me that message was? Hasn't she gotten what she needed from me?

[Marc878]

The smart thing to do is block her or you'll go through this over and over whenever she gets the urge to send a bresdcrumb your way.

 

Get out of the drama.

 

You should realize you're worth more than this.

[jackofmany]

I get what everyone is saying about blocking her and etc . . . but I did write something. I have not sent it. It is this:

 

"I've told you now three times that I need space. Please respect that. I understand that you have moved on, and I respect your decision. Please show me the respect to let me move on as well. Understand that I was taken completely by surprise and I cannot go so quickly from something that felt so real and intense to just being friends. Whatever we were, it was never that. I don't fly friends across the country to see them. How that went down is painful enough. Please don't contact me further. When I am ready, I will let you know."

 

I'm not going to send it now, but I am going to sit on it and see how it makes me feel. Something about this situation is still bothering me, aside from all the obvious idiocy I've displayed here. I want her to know that her throwing these breadcrumbs is disrespectful and I want her to know I am not open to her doing it anymore. Just blocking her, I feel, will not communicate that.

 

But you guys have more perspective than me.

 

I do believe I am worth more than that. For real. I am just looking for the fastest way out, and not saying anything makes me feel like something is unresolved.

[Been]

They always NEED something from you- attention for their ego, to KNOW they can still have you, fallback plan in case their other doesn't workout but most of all they do it because they CAN so why stop? I mean that's got to be a huge ego boost alone knowing somebody will take you back no matter what.

So to ensure you don't move on or start to forget about them they throw you out BREADCRUMBS so it satisfies you- your thinking hey she hasn't moved on from me YET because look she texting me so their is a CHANCE you might get back together! And in your excitement you don't see it because your soooooo happy she has even bothered to text you.

[BryanSmiley]

Her blaming you saying you were too light is crazy talk and her projecting I think. She also said for you to go light. So she clearly doesn't have a clear thought train in her own head, to even be communicating well.

 

Don't blame yourself. I've just dated someone who was very full on for a month, contacting me daily, then went fairly suddenly cold over a few days when I called her out on a couple of red flags. She then would make out I was smothering her for merely initiating contact then 50% of the time and every other day, when she used to message mornings every day previous.

 

I think you can easily just find yourself in a string of analysing the events and wondering how you could've handled it differently. Even if handled 10% differently the core issues were there with these people. A fantasy like intensity early on I've read on here often is a red flag and suggests they are trying a quick fix to a hole within themselves, or rebounding. I think that's what's happened with mine.

 

It's very difficult to let go. The Dawkins theory on men not letting ex's go in history due to a protecting of them and babies is really interesting. And as to women being more programmed to move on and be open to reproduce quickly.

 

I just blocked my ex after she crept back after having blocked me for a week. It's a ridiculous cycle. Then I got a linked in request, it's like, do I try again now. Jeez it's a head f**k. I'm gonna try and resist and go full NC. I think with mine she won't reach out and I hope for your sake you find peace in the process. Don't blame yourself dude, the text you wrote out is very reasonable, if you choose to send it.

Edited September 28, 2017 by BryanSmiley

[jackofmany]

Ooof.

 

So, once again, I am hitting you all up for a sounding board. My understanding is it is inappropriate to start new threads over the same breakup; that's why I keep writing here.

 

Anyway, you can see above that is has been about a week and a half since I got the "Hi. Thinking about an missing you ..." text.

 

Hard as it was, I ignored it.

 

And for some reason that has been slowly driving me nuts, like I am making it easy to forget about me (to quote Tom Petty).

 

But here is why I did it.

 

When we first broke up, she asked me what I needed, I said "space." The next two days she texted me, first asking to be forgiven, and then telling me my silence was upsetting and I had walked away so easily. I lashed out at that one, because I hadn't walked away, and I broke down and talked on the phone.

 

That went badly, as you can imagine -- you can see all this above -- but at the end of the conversation, I reiterated that I was going to take that space I talked about and that she shouldn't take anything I might say or do as passive aggressive or angry. I'm pretty certain I said I would be out of contact.

 

Then I deleted her on FB and knuckled down.

 

Two weeks later I get that message. This doesn't seem fair to me. It puts me in a position where my not responding looks petty. On the other hand, I asked for space. I don't feel like she's ever given it to me.

 

It's been a week and half now since she sent that message and she'll probably give up. The more time goes by the more it seems to me like her kind of testing the waters to see if we can pick up as friends.

 

But shouldn't that have been my call when or if to do that?

 

It hasn't been as hard for the last say three or four days, but today it's weird, her continued silence, that fact that she hasn't followed up, is bothering me. This, even though I chose to ignore her.

 

Maybe I am just having anxiety because the permanence is settling in. It's weird, I don't want to be in touch -- especially not if she's seeing the dude she dropped me so unceremoniously for -- but then, now and then, I do. Because why? Am I still just in denial?

[Been]

Well it is hard for someone to think a certain situation was what they perceived to be something and then on reality it wasn't what you thought it was.

So know you question yourself. You analyze the entire relationship.

And her behaviour confuses you but here's what you need to know:

When you were with her she CHOSE to end it and go back with her ex. And it doesn't matter what the reason was-she made a choice.

Now I'm of the opinion that she sees something that tells her that this isn't going to workout with her ex.

So NOW she is trying to leave the door open enough so if she has to she can resume things with you because most people don't like being alone.

The anxiety you are feeling is this. You want her back in someway but now you know how she really is. Cursed if you do cursed if you don't.

[jackofmany]

I swear I was not looking for this information. I deleted, blocked, etc ... and then last night a friend just decides to tell me she's moving back here to move in with the ex, who up until two weeks was going to go out there, in two days.

 

"I just thought you should be prepared," she said, "I thought you should hear it from me."

 

It stings like it all just started over. The one bit of peace I had was that they were going to be on the other side of the country. At least it wouldn't have been obvious what a wreck I am.

 

Now I am really in for it. How do I act when I run into them?

 

Two days. Lord, I am not ready.

[jackofmany]

What I don't get is how each new disclosure, since finding out she had 'hooked up,' with her ex in CA, to then weeks later learning she was 'in love with both of us," then to weeks later he was moving to CA, then to now, in discovering that in fact she is moving here to be with him . . . what I don't get is how each of these things can hit me with the same exact force.

 

It's like the universe is pummeling me over the head with circumstance. Now I have to run into her, and who know what kind of ring she might be wearing and etc . . .

 

This is a bad spot to have my head. How do you stop it?

[jackofmany]

And of course . . . The urge to CONTACT HER and try to win her back has come back full force, like it was day one.

[stillafool]

I swear I was not looking for this information. I deleted, blocked, etc ... and then last night a friend just decides to tell me she's moving back here to move in with the ex, who up until two weeks was going to go out there, in two days.

 

"I just thought you should be prepared," she said, "I thought you should hear it from me."

 

It stings like it all just started over. The one bit of peace I had was that they were going to be on the other side of the country. At least it wouldn't have been obvious what a wreck I am.

 

Now I am really in for it. How do I act when I run into them?

 

Two days. Lord, I am not ready.

 

Tell your friends to stop giving you updates to what she is doing. It is preventing you from moving on. How old are you and this woman?