In Love With Different Sex Drives, My Wife Gave Me A Pass

[StillRambunctious]

For the OP - These are the things that need to be very very carefully considered, which is why I recommend a vasectomy.

 

Thanks for the advice. Way ahead of you. ;-)

[Just a Guy]

Hi Rambunctious, that's a double edged sword if you know what I mean! And no, no innuendoes! Warm wishes.

[tommyr]

I agree with all of this. I've been racking my brain for nearly a year and it just doesn't add up. It seems too damn risky and nearly impossible to make work. I sincerely don't know how anyone does it.

 

I feel trapped between two unpleasant scenarios. Live sexually frustrated, but with a happy family or divorce and make everyone unhappy. I guess castration could be another option. <sarcasm>

 

I do not believe you will (long term) be able to live happily without an active sex life. So you will need to either make peace with the idea of staying in an open marriage while pursuing sex on the side, or divorcing your wife and finding a compatible partner who shares your interest in sex.

 

This is not your fault and you should not feel guilty over the god given desire for sex. That is a completely normal and legitimate need, one that can't just be ignored simply because your spouse is no longer into it. You mentioned earlier that a married man seeking outside sex would be seen as a "creep" well do not feel that way. In fact the opposite, you deserve credit for the hard work and sacrifice of making open marriage work in order to stay with your wife, versus doing the easier thing and leaving.

Edited February 21, 2018 by tommyr

[Transitions12]

I havent been on in a while, but I am on today because of breaking a 6 month NC with my xAP... I have to say,

I am a married woman in menopause(early hystectomy in june 2016), I am 43.

 

I did not have a sex drive for hubby, but I sure did for ex AP!!!

Not saying for sure she is having if off on the side, but its possible.

So, it may be YOU. Sorry to be the blunt course here but as a woman speaking, this could be the case.

Edited March 7, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
topical content ~T

[OneParadox]

The evolution of sexual desire in women who are in long term marriages. This has been widely researched and it is now evident that in women sexual desire for the spouse declines quite dramatically over time even in the most fulfilling of relationships. Women get turned on by novelty and "mystery". And turned off by familiarity. I suggest books by Ester Perel and Helen Fisher for deep insights into all of this. Anyway, it is all part of the catch-22 of long term marriages: women want and need a trusted, well known partner and a safe family environment. Yet at the same time, they need excitement and novelty to get turned on in the sac. Most psychologists and sex therapists will tell you there are very few instances of sexual dysfunction in women that cannot be instantaneously and magically cured by the appearance of a new lover. Not that I am advocating for affairs or open marriages (those come with their own set of challenges and complications). It is just the cards we have been dealt by nature. No need to blame anyone.

Edited March 7, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[StillRambunctious]

Agreed, OneParadox. As I said, it's not necessarily about the situation, it's how you react to it. I have read Esther Perel's books and they are insightful. I'm always open to learning from others and evolving, which is precisely why I started this thread: to learn if others had experience with the so-called "hall pass."

[Just a Guy]

Hi Rambunctious, sorry to find you still mulling things over and not having been able to come to a successful conclusion. By all accounts I am now convinced that you are not the kind of person who will avail himself of a 'Hall Pass'. It just does'nt seem to gel with your sense of self worth and ethics. At the same time, as your moniker indicates you are still rambunctious, which I take to mean a person with an active and high performing libido which refuses to fade away, given your arid circumstances. Also, you have stated that your wife has found fulfillment in her work to such an extent that she remains buried in it and finds little time to communicate with you. I think both these factors indicate that a time has come for you to take the bull by the horns, figuratively speaking and initiate some kind of action which will bring about a pleasant change in your circumstances.

 

The time for reflection and getting views from across a wide spectrum of opinion is now over. You have all the facts, information and knowledge that you need, to take a call on your situation and provide relief for yourself. Quite frankly,, I see your wife as someone who is quite selfish and self centered in her thinking and attitude toward you and your marriage. She just couldn't be bothered whether you get relief for your sexual needs or not. Not only that, she couldn't be bothered if you are around or not if she cannot find time to spend with you intimately and communicate with you better. Let's call a spade a spade when we see one. She has checked out of this marriage and moved on while tagging you along for the peripheral benefits she still gets from being married to you. These are stability, a dependable Man Friday, the benefits of a double income and of course, the respectability that comes from having the status of being married and in a stable relationship. As you can see,, the benefits for her far outweigh any benefits for you if any and your staying on in a union like this is one which will bring you diminishing rewards.

 

It is time for you now to seriously think how you see yourself five, ten and maybe twenty years from now? As time goes by your frustrations are only going to increase while your wife basks in the one sided devotion she gets from you giving nothing in return. It is time to find your 'Mojo' wherever you misplaced it and get back on the tracks of a proper life. If you divorce your wife I can tell you that while she may miss your presence for a while, much as one misses an extracted tooth, she will soon get used to your absence as if you never existed. You , on the other hand will enter an entirely new world full of excitement and happiness that you could never have dreamed of in your wildest dreams. Just think about it, get off your comfortable armchair and make it happen. Warm wishes.

[OneParadox]

I am always a little rattled by the advice of "get a divorce". It seems like an easy thing to do. But it is not. Particularly when there are kids involved in the situation. And, many times, people end up in square one after the following marriage also fails (which they often do). Always take the "get a divorce" advice with a huge grain of salt (actually more like a truckload of it).

 

Obviously, there are situations where a divorce is the right course of action. No one needs to put up with physical or emotional abuse (and there are some incredible abusers out there). Everyone has the absolute right to protect himself/herself by walking away from getting hurt. But your situation does not seem to have reached that point.

 

In any case, don't let other people's moral compasses dictate your course of action. As morally repugnant as some might find the hall pass you were offered, it might turn out to be the most sane and practical solution to your issues. Plenty of couples have some version of that and they just don't tell anyone. Or better, they just don't care what other people think of them. Many times those doing the judging are probably envious of the arrangement themselves.

[SmartDude]

There are professionals who deal with this problem! They are called sex workers.

 

Here is why you use the services of a sex woker(s) in this situation: So you won't develop emotional attatchment and start a new relationship.

 

I had a period of years when I was seeing many different women in this way. They were mid to high level escorts, so not your street walker druggie types. Most were just getting by in life. Some did it in addition to school, others did it just to see what it would be like. All these women are pretty normal and not deviants of any kind. Sure I met a few addicts supplying their habit, but they were easy to avoid after I knew the signs. Over all a positive and life changing experience. Made some friends along the way.

[Just a Guy]

Hi oneparadox, I guess your post is directed towards what I wrote in mine. Firstly, I have to say that I have no argument with what you are saying. If StillRambunctious wants to avail of his 'Hall Pass' by all means he should go ahead and do so. In fact I would go one step further than Smartdude and advise him to use the services of so called 'Hotwives' whom he can contact on sites like AM or CL. They would be clean, and would provide him with a FWB type of arrangement and most of these ladies are either professionals themselves or SAHMs for whom this is an add on to spice up their home sex life. Also, one does'nt need to pay them except treat them well by taking them out to dinner or book a decent hotel and maybe throw in an occasional gift too.

 

Having said this, if you have followed the OP's thread from inception you would know that (a) he is not keen on utilizing his Hall Pass because of associated problems that may occur and (b) he has on occasion mentioned that divorce may be the only possibility of resolving his problem. He came to the forum to seek peoples advice on how he should proceed with his 'Hall Pass' and after getting a wide spectrum of opinions, has decided not to avail himself of it. At the same time his wife has become more and more wrapped up in her work and by giving him the option of a 'Hall Pass' she has conveniently washed her hands off the matter. In one stroke she has made it clear to him that she is not going to be providing him sexual relief and at the same time has removed any possibility of guilt on her part by offering him a way out of his dilemma. In that process she has not taken into consideration that the idea of a Hall Pass may be repugnant to him. As a wife she has abdicated her responsibility and if you are talking about abuse would you not consider this to be extreme emotional abuse to deny her husband his conjugal rights which was something they both had vowed to do in the presence of a priest? What else could the words 'To love and to hold' imply if not to also include sexual union?

 

However, I have to say that none of us is living Rambunctious' life for him. We do not wear his shoes and we do not know where they pinch or even if they pinch at all. It is entirely up to him to ingest the advice offered to him here and to make of it what he wants. If he really feels strongly about the deprivation of sexual attention from his wife and thinks it is blatantly unfair, he will possibly decide that divorce is his best option. If, however it is not a compelling enough reason for him he will continue to live out his life as he has been doing and hope his libido tones down sufficiently not to cause him the angst that he is experiencing right now. As always, the choice is his. Warm wishes.

Edited March 11, 2018 by Just a Guy

[road]

 

Having said this, if you have followed the OP's thread from inception you would know that (a) he is not keen on utilizing his Hall Pass because of associated problems that may occur and (b) he has on occasion mentioned that divorce may be the only possibility of resolving his problem. He came to the forum to seek peoples advice on how he should proceed with his 'Hall Pass' and after getting a wide spectrum of opinions, has decided not to avail himself of it. At the same time his wife has become more and more wrapped up in her work and by giving him the option of a 'Hall Pass' she has conveniently washed her hands off the matter. In one stroke she has made it clear to him that she is not going to be providing him sexual relief and at the same time has removed any possibility of guilt on her part by offering him a way out of his dilemma. In that process she has not taken into consideration that the idea of a Hall Pass may be repugnant to him. As a wife she has abdicated her responsibility and if you are talking about abuse would you not consider this to be extreme emotional abuse to deny her husband his conjugal rights which was something they both had vowed to do in the presence of a priest? What else could the words 'To love and to hold' imply if not to also include sexual union?

 

 

OP's choice, stay married no sex, or divorce. Or anything else in

between. Easy to say divorce. The price can be more then he can

afford to pay.

[StillRambunctious]

Hi Everyone,

 

Thanks for the advice. Just to clarify, my last post was part of a string of posts that were in response to another poster who needed some clarification on my situation, much of which was edited or deleted by the moderator. Sorry for the confusion.

 

Long story short, things are better for me. I'm working my way through this situation with my wife. I'm allowing myself to expand my boundaries and see where it takes me. I have no expectations, I'm letting go of the guilt and I'm having some fun. If she wants to come along for the ride, she's welcome, but I'm not going to wait around and beg anymore.

 

Onward.

Edited March 14, 2018 by StillRambunctious

[Just a Guy]

Hi StillRambunctious, this is great news. Hope you finally achieve your Nirvana! Best wishes.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm allowing myself to expand my boundaries and see where it takes me. I have no expectations, I'm letting go of the guilt and I'm having some fun. If she wants to come along for the ride, she's welcome, but I'm not going to wait around and beg anymore.

 

I'm assuming that means you're "dating" or at least looking. What does that mean for your marital situation?

 

Mr. Lucky

[StillRambunctious]

I'm assuming that means you're "dating" or at least looking. What does that mean for your marital situation?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Hi,

 

It's safe to assume that I'm allowing myself some leeway to explore what my wife has offered, but I'm definitely not "dating." The last thing I need is a girlfriend. I have too much going on in my life to juggle two women. LOL I don't know how some guys do it.

 

Anyway, flirting, talking, learning more about who I am and what I want, enjoying the company of friends (old and new); these are all on the table. Where it leads, I don't know at this time, but I'm a cautious person and try to take things one step at a time. I'm trying to be mindful about it.

 

As for the marriage, everything is as it has been. No changes required or planned at the moment.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Rambunctious, good to know you are indulging in diversions. God knows you need it. If you are comfortable with telling us then can you tell us exactly what your relational dynamics are with your wife? Is it the cold fusion type of relationship or something a bit more warm? What do you think your wife gets out of this relationship? Do you think if you were not around that she would be devastated or at least deeply affected by losing you? I think a solution to your problem lies in getting some honest answers there, not for us but for you yourself.

 

On another note, you do not need to have a GF. Just a lady who would be happy to be a FWB for you. I guess there are a lot of sexually frustrated married ladies out there just as you are a sexually frustrated married man. You may like to look for someone like that for NSA sex if, a very big if, you want to utilize your Hall Pass! Best wishes.

Edited March 20, 2018 by Just a Guy

[happyhusband0005]

Here's my 2 cents. This is a long thread I tried to read as much as possible but I am going to focus on the OP. It sounds like you have quite a bit of resentment towards your wife. If you are going to use the pass, and want to keep your marriage, I would advise you to take it very slow and avoid serious emotional attachment. Try and keep the emotional attachment at home through this adventure. Otherwise your not using the hall pass your just going to checking out of the marriage slowly. Hopefully if you go through with this you'll get some extra pep in your step and have more emotional energy to enjoy the rest of your relationship with your wife. Try to keep your desire for your wife and express it towards her. She will notice if you start pulling back from her and then things will start getting weird. I hope she is giving this pass out of love and not to get you off her back, figuratively and literally. If she is doing this out of concern for your happiness because she cares be grateful and treat her appropriately.

 

I wish you well in your endeavor.