In Love With Different Sex Drives, My Wife Gave Me A Pass

[MidlifeMama]

I shared this a few times today and it's something I heard that makes me pause and think...

If you stay, you know what your in for. If you go, it's unknown but the possibilities are endless."

 

You at least still have an attraction to your wife, but you can not make her be warm, affectionate or want sex with you. We are more than a spouse a parent. We are people with needs.

[central]

From being on forums for years i have seen very few times

where good comes out of them. I have seen hundreds of stories

where a good marriage went bad after opening it for one marriage

that survived it.

 

By the standard of what you read on forums, almost all marriages go bad for every one that works. You seldom see the successes of any relationship here, so there is a huge bias towards the problems and failures. If you are part of a community where open, swinging, poly relationships are pursued, you'd see a lot of successes. I've seen a lot of successes, and no more failures than is typical for marriages in general.

 

A large majority of relationships fail (and about half when talking about marriage, specifically).

[road]

There is no point of arguing the whole BC/pregnancy/VD with these posters. It soon becomes clear they are using pregnancy and disease as a cover for an ethical and moral argument they strongly believe in. Instead of coming out and saying "I believe sex outside of marriage is morally wrong" (and quote God, the scriptures, their pastors, Fox news, or just the little voices in their heads), they come up with some convoluted medical reason why sex is so incredibly risky and dangerous.

 

FWIW, a moral and ethical opinion in the matter is a valid argument when presented in an honest and transparent manner (though, obviously, not very convincing to people who do not share their values and beliefs). In their heads, they think a half-ass scientific/medical argument might have more sway.

 

Morale can influence decisions.

 

Facts can influence decisions.

 

Facts have nothing to do with morale decisions. People can

stick there head in the sand and ignore facts such as there

is the chance of getting STD, maybe one that cannot be cured.

The fact that there can be an unwanted pregnancy. That the

OW cannot be counted on to killing her baby before it is

born but instead will want to keep it.

 

Not enough facts; then the OW can file for CS, and if she

files first the wife and her pre-existing kids get only what is

left over of her husbands money after the court makes it's

ruling.

 

Need more facts?

 

After opening the marriage, many spouse leave the marriage

for their new partner.

 

Another fact; people quote me, cherry pick one sentence, and

ignore the facts that I present and talk about morals.

 

And do so in an insulting manner.

[MidlifeMama]

Morale can influence decisions.

 

Facts can influence decisions.

 

Facts have nothing to do with morale decisions. People can

stick there head in the sand and ignore facts such as there

is the chance of getting STD, maybe one that cannot be cured.

The fact that there can be an unwanted pregnancy. That the

OW cannot be counted on to killing her baby before it is

born but instead will want to keep it.

 

Not enough facts; then the OW can file for CS, and if she

files first the wife and her pre-existing kids get only what is

left over of her husbands money after the court makes it's

ruling.

 

Need more facts?

 

After opening the marriage, many spouse leave the marriage

for their new partner.

 

Another fact; people quote me, cherry pick one sentence, and

ignore the facts that I present and talk about morals.

 

And do so in an insulting manner.

I think you need to read all the posts. No one is insulting you. The OP has stated he would have a hard time taking the hall pass and is looking at what issues there are in the relationship.

[road]

By the standard of what you read on forums, almost all marriages go bad for every one that works. You seldom see the successes of any relationship here, so there is a huge bias towards the problems and failures. If you are part of a community where open, swinging, poly relationships are pursued, you'd see a lot of successes. I've seen a lot of successes, and no more failures than is typical for marriages in general.

 

A large majority of relationships fail (and about half when talking about marriage, specifically).

 

I am not part of that community.

 

Though I have read on open marriage forums for insight.

And have seen way more stories about a marriage going

bad after opening it then I have ever read on infidelity forums

as LS, MB, SI, TAM.

 

It is a high risk behavior where the chance of losing everything

for extra sex is an extremely high price to pay if things go south.

[StillRambunctious]

Taking in sickness and in health, you know the wedding

vows, they must be a joke as well.

 

Come on, man. I can cherry pick vows from various religions and ceremonies that talk about the spouse “obeying,” “being in service,” promising “mutual love,” “cherishing and comforting” etc. Which one of those shall I choose? Are they equal to each other? Is one more important than the other? Can we agree that not everyone gets married to the same vows?

 

I think we’re all in agreement that there are risks involved with an open marriage, as there are risks involved with anything in life, including marriage itself. It’s a concept that is foreign to me and I’m hear to listen to what others have experienced so i can evaluate and do what’s right for me and my family. I’ve had a lifetime of listening to dogma. We’re all hear trying to help each other figure it out and do what’s best for ourselves and our own relationships, aren’t we?

[Mr. Lucky]

Am I being selfish for wanting my wife to be more than just a friend or really close business partner?

 

Selfishness matters not if the situation simply doesn't work for you. I couldn't stay under those circumstances but it's a careful calculation each makes on his own.

 

Does your wife know you're considering leaving and the reasons why? It's one thing to acknowledge problems but a step further to understand separation is on the table...

 

Mr. Lucky

[wmacbride]

op,

You sound like a level headed guy, so I expect you already know this.

 

Everyone on here, myself included, will give advice/ input based on their own situation. That can be really helpful. Keep in mind, however, that you will only ever hear one side of the equation, which is the nature of this type of setting. I often wonder what the other side would have to say when I read threads on here. In your situation, what do you feel your wife would say?

 

The best piece of advice I can personally give you, no matter what you decide to do is to be true to yourself and who you are. No matter what option you choose, there are going to be consequences, and you are asking others to carry part of the load for whatever you choose to do.

 

If you choose to stay and maintain the status quo, what are the consequences for you, your wife and children?

 

If you choose to go outside your marriage, what are the consequences?

 

If you choose divorce what are he consequences to your wife and children?

 

If you stay and try to find some way to increase the sex between your and your wife what are the consequences?

[MJJean]

I think we’re all in agreement that there are risks involved with an open marriage, as there are risks involved with anything in life, including marriage itself. It’s a concept that is foreign to me and I’m hear to listen to what others have experienced so i can evaluate and do what’s right for me and my family. I’ve had a lifetime of listening to dogma. We’re all hear trying to help each other figure it out and do what’s best for ourselves and our own relationships, aren’t we?

 

Well, if you want life experiences...

 

I used to be involved with an "alternative lifestyle" community. Personally knew a lot of people who had open marriages during that phase of my life. Kept in touch with some and, of course, there's always the gossip and how is so-and-so doing. I've also got family and friends that weren't part of that community, but had open marriages.

 

10 years after I more or less drifted away from my alternative lifestyle friends, two of those marriages are still intact. One is my Aunt and Uncle. They've been married for somewhere between 25-27 years now and have a couple grandkids. The other couple are friends of mine. They've been open since the start of their relationship and have been together for about 11-12 years, no kids. Most I knew who had open marriages divorced within 3 years of opening up. Some managed to make it til the kid(s) made it to 8th or 9th grade and a few held it together until the kid(s) turned 18 and bailed while the ink was still wet on the HS diploma.

[StillRambunctious]

Does your wife know you're considering leaving and the reasons why? It's one thing to acknowledge problems but a step further to understand separation is on the table...

 

She does not, although I find it baffling that she thinks everything is alright given that we rarely speak these days. She's been buried in work 24/7.

 

I'm hoping for some alone time to discuss this weekend. One can hope.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I guess the discussion has veered off from offering practical doable advice to the OP to a general discussion about the dangers/ advantages of unconventional relationship choices. The fact is that as human beings we have been conditioned to monogamy by societal pressures for millennia till the idea has become ingrained in our psyche. However, before society had developed into a sophisticated body of rules and regulations and while humans were closer to their simian counterparts, sex and morals were not interlinked. Morals, as we know it did not exist. We were probably driven more by instinct than by anything else. That instinct drove us to procreate prodigiously because the mortality rate was very high and only by producing offspring prodigiously could we keep ahead of the mortality rate.

 

We have of course come quite some distance from those hoary days but our residual instincts still drive us down the path of wanting to propagate our species. Looking for a variety of partners is probably inbuilt in all of us but just as all fingers on a hand are not equal in length so also, this drive is stronger in some than in others. Morality and ethics have also come into play. As have intellect and spiritual development. As humans we have been endowed with free will and the ability to make choices. Choices can be right or wrong. Wrong choices lead to painful consequences and so in making our choices we have to be careful that we make the right ones which lead to happy consequences for us.

 

In open marriages I think the one thing of paramount importance is that the union is rock solid. If it is not then entering an open relationship can be disastrous. All open marriages which fail have this one fundamental flaw to them. The same is true of marriages where infidelity occurs. If the marriage were really strong infidelity would not have occurred.

 

Coming to the OP's case, apparently his marriage has been weakened by his wife's disregard for his needs and although she has recognized their existence her solution is not really addressing the issue appropriately. Also, she lacks warmth and is prone to rejecting the OP's advances. All these are hurtful to the OP and strike at the very core of his masculinity and his persons as a husband. As such both are killers of love and the bonds which tie him and his wife together. The result is his marriage had been weakened and since his sense of ethics will not allow him toake use of the hall pass given him by his wife the obvious decent thing is that he should/ will divorce his wife and go his way to first d a congenial partner who will complement him in every way. At least this is the way I see it and I may be wrong. Best wishes.

[StillRambunctious]

Well, if you want life experiences...

 

I dig data. Thanks!

[wmacbride]

OP,

if you do decide to bring up divorce, please don't use it as a scare tactic. That's very cruel.

[StillRambunctious]

OP,

if you do decide to bring up divorce, please don't use it as a scare tactic. That's very cruel.

 

I completely agree and I would never do that. As I said, I'm still in love with her, which is the hardest part of this whole thing. If I wasn't, my decision would be much easier.

 

Divorce is only one option, but I don't want a divorce. I want a solution. I will let the discussion uncover which road(s) we want to take as a couple.

[BaileyB]

I completely agree and I would never do that. As I said, I'm still in love with her, which is the hardest part of this whole thing. If I wasn't, my decision would be much easier.

 

Divorce is only one option, but I don't want a divorce. I want a solution. I will let the discussion uncover which road(s) we want to take as a couple.

 

I do think you need to present the situation honestly to your wife. She needs to understand how serious this is for you. The fact that you are even considering divorce should be a huge wake-up call for her... hopefully, it will prompt some self reflection and compromise. Good luck.

[MidlifeMama]

She does not, although I find it baffling that she thinks everything is alright given that we rarely speak these days. She's been buried in work 24/7.

 

I'm hoping for some alone time to discuss this weekend. One can hope.

 

Don't hope, make it happen

[Mr. Lucky]

She does not, although I find it baffling that she thinks everything is alright given that we rarely speak these days. She's been buried in work 24/7.

 

Ironic that someone who can't summon the time, interest or energy for the intimate portion of marriage can commit so completely to something else.

 

Hope things improve for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Noproblem]

I read that Maca powder can balance the hormones and increase the sex drive for women and men.

 

For me, I add it to smoothies and oatmeals because it has a lot of other health benefits. .

 

It can be sold online or in Kroger and other places.

[BettyDraper]

OP, there's nothing wrong with accepting the "hall pass" if you and your wife agree on it.

My husband and I are not into open marriages. However, we refrain from imposing our morals on others.

 

Keep on having long conversations with your wife about possible solutions to your sexual conundrum.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Rambunctious, I was wondering if you had that all important discussion with your wife and if so, what was the outcome? It would be interesting to know how you two have been able to resolve your situation. Warm wishes.

[StillRambunctious]

Wow! I leave for a few days and the discussion takes a severe right turn. Do I have to turn this car around!? haha

 

I'm not sure how this got so far off track, but if we're all adults in here (and I'm pretty sure we are), we all understand the risks involved with certain behaviors. I also think we understand what the consequences are and what actions would need to be taken for those situations. However, I think the key factor that's being missed in this latest tangent is communication. If all parties are communicating and willing to accept the risks and possible consequences, then I think this discussion is moot, unless you want to push religious dogma or debate the abortion issue. If that's the case, then I think you need to start a different thread.

 

And speaking of communication, my wife and I had a long talk this past weekend and I believe we understand each other a little better. The issue is far from resolved, but we had an intimate evening together, which was nice. We're communicating and working on it, which is a positive step. One day at a time.

 

Thanks for asking Just A Guy.

[wmacbride]

Wow! I leave for a few days and the discussion takes a severe right turn. Do I have to turn this car around!? haha

 

I'm not sure how this got so far off track, but if we're all adults in here (and I'm pretty sure we are), we all understand the risks involved with certain behaviors. I also think we understand what the consequences are and what actions would need to be taken for those situations. However, I think the key factor that's being missed in this latest tangent is communication. If all parties are communicating and willing to accept the risks and possible consequences, then I think this discussion is moot, unless you want to push religious dogma or debate the abortion issue. If that's the case, then I think you need to start a different thread.

 

And speaking of communication, my wife and I had a long talk this past weekend and I believe we understand each other a little better. The issue is far from resolved, but we had an intimate evening together, which was nice. We're communicating and working on it, which is a positive step. One day at a time.

 

Thanks for asking Just A Guy.

 

That's a good way to view the situation for now. Keep talking and finding your way. You're wise to be proceeding with care.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Rambunctious, good to know you had the 'talk' with your wife and that you two were able to touch common ground. It is going to be hard work to reach a point where your wife acknowledged your needs and works to accommodate them. I guess that is what marriage is all about. It also puts you on high moral ground vis a vis your wife in case things do not work out and you reach the painful decision that you have to move on in life on your own. If she wants to remain married and not divorce you then she will have to compromise to meet your needs. It is simply adhering to the adage ' You can't have your cake and eat it too'! Warm wishes.

Edited March 7, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MidlifeMama]

Wow! I leave for a few days and the discussion takes a severe right turn. Do I have to turn this car around!? haha

 

I'm not sure how this got so far off track, but if we're all adults in here (and I'm pretty sure we are), we all understand the risks involved with certain behaviors. I also think we understand what the consequences are and what actions would need to be taken for those situations. However, I think the key factor that's being missed in this latest tangent is communication. If all parties are communicating and willing to accept the risks and possible consequences, then I think this discussion is moot, unless you want to push religious dogma or debate the abortion issue. If that's the case, then I think you need to start a different thread.

Yeah, what the heck...

And speaking of communication, my wife and I had a long talk this past weekend and I believe we understand each other a little better. The issue is far from resolved, but we had an intimate evening together, which was nice. We're communicating and working on it, which is a positive step. One day at a time.

Thanks for asking Just A Guy.

That's great! I think you really love your wife and I am hoping she can fulfill your needs. Best case scenario! Best of luck. Do check in if you so desire. Will be rooting for you!

[TrustedthenBusted]

And if I saw a unicorn, I'd probably try and get a ride. There's about an equal chance of both occurring.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/649715-husband-got-another-woman-pregnant

 

She gave her husband a hall pass. Ask her how it's working out...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I dunno man... I've met some people, and couples that have some pretty liberal notions when it comes to sex. Mostly my European friends. Maybe it's an honest hall pass? Maybe she took on e herself back in the day and is relieving some guilt by offering her husband the same opportunity. You never really know.

 

Things could easily to to crap, like in the link you shared.... or they might not. I'm no statistician, but I'd venture a guess that the MAST majority of consensual sexual experiences have not lead to calamity or lasting negative consequences.