Author Scoutjr Posted March 5, 2018 Author Share Posted March 5, 2018 Been doing pretty well since I broke no contact at 8 weeks, and then resumed right after. Now going on four weeks. Last night I had a dream that ex-MM came to a family party - he apparently knew someone there but left without even saying hello/goodbye to me. So weird! But I woke up feeling pi$$ed off at him! I guess my subconscious is not over him yet... Link to post Share on other sites
whatcomesnext Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 I wouldn’t read too much into it and what it means about your subconscious. We can’t control our dreams. I sometimes dream about MM. Occasionally I’ll dream about arguing with my father, and I haven’t spoken to him in over a decade and very rarely think about him in waking life. But probably helpful that you are feeling angry with MM after the dream and not desirous of him! Incidentally the thing you dream about happening is exactly what my MM does to me in reality when I see him socially. I guess now it’s what we’re both doing to each other. One day I hope to feel more of that anger your dream generated than hurt. Or really hope to not care at all, but I’d take anger as a start. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scoutjr Posted March 5, 2018 Author Share Posted March 5, 2018 I wouldn’t read too much into it and what it means about your subconscious. We can’t control our dreams. I sometimes dream about MM. Occasionally I’ll dream about arguing with my father, and I haven’t spoken to him in over a decade and very rarely think about him in waking life. But probably helpful that you are feeling angry with MM after the dream and not desirous of him! Incidentally the thing you dream about happening is exactly what my MM does to me in reality when I see him socially. I guess now it’s what we’re both doing to each other. One day I hope to feel more of that anger your dream generated than hurt. Or really hope to not care at all, but I’d take anger as a start. Thanks, WCN. I didn’t ascribe too much meaning to it, it was just kind of jarring! But I’m still keeping NC. Link to post Share on other sites
CatMinx Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 Well done on NC darling! The dream was just your subconscious doing some spring cleaning. Keep up the good work! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scoutjr Posted March 5, 2018 Author Share Posted March 5, 2018 Well done on NC darling! The dream was just your subconscious doing some spring cleaning. Keep up the good work! Thank you. I still feel scarred. Link to post Share on other sites
rumblefish12 Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 Scout -- I know that feeling completely. I will occasionally have dreams of her and they are so real, my heart races. I should also say how much those remind me of other addiction dreams. I quit smoking almost 30 years ago and will occasionally still have vivid dreams where I am smoking. I'll wake up thinking "why did i do that after so much time?!?" Likewise, I haven't drank in over 20 years. Drinking dreams scare the hell out of me. I think these things also serve as warnings, as unpleasant as they may be. We sweat on the practice field so we don't bleed on the battlefield. In the end, it isn't real. Take what you need from it, if anything, and leave the rest. Hang in there, as am I. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whatcomesnext Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 I find what you say about addiction dreams so interesting rumblefish. The concept of addiction to a person is one of the hardest things to come to grips with as someone who has never had any addictions before (whether to a drug, alcohol or process). After a life lived on the straight and narrow, always the good girl, to find that my drug of choice could be one particular human being is staggering - and that the damage, withdrawal, and lasting effects of it is in many ways worse than a traditional drug. Anyway, always helps to hear other ways things we are experiencing can fit into the addiction concept. Helps as I try to make sense of what at times seems impossible to understand or explain. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
rumblefish12 Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 WCN -- having been sober for a long time and spending a lot of time with sober alcoholics, I see many common addictive behaviors that even sober addicts/alcoholics will favor -- such as excessive work and exercise habits, but also less socially acceptable ones like affairs. Coming around LS for awhile, I also find it interesting that people with no prior experience with any addictive or even generally destructive behaviors find themselves struggling in an affair. I think of it less as addiction to one personal in particular, but more of an addiction to what that one person does or provide them. There's a lot out there about how sex and affairs light up the same pleasure centers in the brain that drug use does. It is definitely unique though. When you go NC from drugs or alcohol, they aren't likely to track you down in the way an xAP might! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whatcomesnext Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 True! And while you may feel powerless to stop using a drug, normally the decision whether to do so is entirely within your hands. Unlike a person, the drug can’t discard and leave you behind like my drug (MM) did to me. You can feel empowered by your own decision to stop using and keep resisting instead of being forced to be reactive to a decision that was made for you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Fair Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 Been doing pretty well since I broke no contact at 8 weeks, and then resumed right after. Now going on four weeks. Last night I had a dream that ex-MM came to a family party - he apparently knew someone there but left without even saying hello/goodbye to me. So weird! But I woke up feeling pi$$ed off at him! I guess my subconscious is not over him yet... Sounds like you were rejected/abandoned and it's coming out in your dreams, that's all. And a sign you are on the right path with no contact. He's married, he won't leave the wife for you. And your subconscious knows that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scoutjr Posted March 6, 2018 Author Share Posted March 6, 2018 Sounds like you were rejected/abandoned and it's coming out in your dreams, that's all. And a sign you are on the right path with no contact. He's married, he won't leave the wife for you. And your subconscious knows that. We are both married, and I never expected him to leave his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scoutjr Posted March 14, 2018 Author Share Posted March 14, 2018 I know that’s not healthy, and I have to erase him like he erased me, but sometimes I can’t help feeling that way. Link to post Share on other sites
rumblefish12 Posted March 14, 2018 Share Posted March 14, 2018 I know that’s not healthy, and I have to erase him like he erased me, but sometimes I can’t help feeling that way. I know how you feel. I am sure my xAP feels that way. I kinda feel that way about her sometimes. I'm not sure it could be avoided. And if it keeps us NC, then that's okay in the end. I feel like I'll reach a point of neutrality about her, but not soon. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scoutjr Posted March 14, 2018 Author Share Posted March 14, 2018 I know how you feel. I am sure my xAP feels that way. I kinda feel that way about her sometimes. I'm not sure it could be avoided. And if it keeps us NC, then that's okay in the end. I feel like I'll reach a point of neutrality about her, but not soon. I don’t know that it helps keep me in NC. It makes me angry and wish to tell him off. (I’ve been NC for almost 5 weeks after my last break.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted March 14, 2018 Share Posted March 14, 2018 Hi Scout, The longer I am in NC, the more I feel hostility towards xMM. In actual fact his IS your worst enemy. This person never had your best interests at heart. He never loved you with the kind of love that would want only the best for you. You are wise to regard him as your enemy. Poppy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scoutjr Posted March 14, 2018 Author Share Posted March 14, 2018 Hi Scout, The longer I am in NC, the more I feel hostility towards xMM. In actual fact his IS your worst enemy. This person never had your best interests at heart. He never loved you with the kind of love that would want only the best for you. You are wise to regard him as your enemy. Poppy. I’m not sure what to do with this anger. Why is it ceeeping up now? Link to post Share on other sites
BigBlueSky Posted March 14, 2018 Share Posted March 14, 2018 I'm sorry that you're struggling today. I think that anger is a pretty normal emotion considering everything that you have been through with him. What are the different things that are angering you and have been on your mind? Link to post Share on other sites
treehugger12 Posted March 15, 2018 Share Posted March 15, 2018 I call my xmm Satan, that’s what his contact name is in my phone, even though it’s all over and we are in good terms, that will remain his name! Only because he put me through hell! Link to post Share on other sites
whatcomesnext Posted March 15, 2018 Share Posted March 15, 2018 I agree with Poppy. Anger is good - it means the spell is broken and you are seeing him for who he really is. Ambivalence would of course be the best, but that takes time. I think anger is a normal part of the healing process. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BourneWicked Posted March 15, 2018 Share Posted March 15, 2018 Oh Scout. Our stories are so similar, I completely hear you. Sometimes I wonder if it's self hatred, for letting myself get involved in something so stupid, reckless, and hopeless. Something I knew would hurt. But agree with the rest that I think anger is a good place. It sure beats hopeless longing... Someone referenced Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind on another thread. And yeah. I want that. I wish I could magic eraser whatever part of my brain still cares. Of course, the moral of the story there maybe being that when you erase the mistake, you repeat it. So hopefully the pain and anger is teaching us something about 'next time.' Or maybe, even better, that we won't let there be a next time. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scoutjr Posted March 15, 2018 Author Share Posted March 15, 2018 I agree with Poppy. Anger is good - it means the spell is broken and you are seeing him for who he really is. Ambivalence would of course be the best, but that takes time. I think anger is a normal part of the healing process. I’m relieved to hear it’s normal, but I just wish I didn’t have it all. Part of my anger is at myself too as Bourne mentioned below. But I’m also mad that he goes on with his life like nothing ever happened. I know it’s not healthy (and maybe it makes me sound crazy), but I want him to feel hurt like he hurt me. I guess if you do truly love someone, you wouldn’t wish for that. Link to post Share on other sites
whatcomesnext Posted March 15, 2018 Share Posted March 15, 2018 Scout, I know that feeling well - wishing he could feel even an 1/8th of my pain. I don’t think it is necessarily about whether you loved the person or not. Though maybe there’s an element of realizing the person you loved isn’t really who MM is underneath it all. I see these feelings more as about wanting to believe you mattered and he really did care about you. If he did then you would expect him to feel some pain and loss as well. Of course none of us really knows what MM is actually thinking or feeling underneath the external facade. For me there is also an element of wishing he could know my pain so he would fully appreciate the damage he caused. When you disappear on someone it is essentially avoidance of responsibility for your actions and of considering the other person’s feelings. It is cowardly and immature behavior. By doing it he got to forward past ever seeing or acknowledging the hurt in my face, tears in my eyes, the questions I would have for him, or facing up to the choices he himself made. He could erase me and avoid all of that, try to put it out of his mind like it never happened. In that situation you’d have every right to feel anger. Mine is still internalized too much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scoutjr Posted March 15, 2018 Author Share Posted March 15, 2018 Scout, I know that feeling well - wishing he could feel even an 1/8th of my pain. I don’t think it is necessarily about whether you loved the person or not. Though maybe there’s an element of realizing the person you loved isn’t really who MM is underneath it all. I see these feelings more as about wanting to believe you mattered and he really did care about you. If he did then you would expect him to feel some pain and loss as well. Of course none of us really knows what MM is actually thinking or feeling underneath the external facade. For me there is also an element of wishing he could know my pain so he would fully appreciate the damage he caused. When you disappear on someone it is essentially avoidance of responsibility for your actions and of considering the other person’s feelings. It is cowardly and immature behavior. By doing it he got to forward past ever seeing or acknowledging the hurt in my face, tears in my eyes, the questions I would have for him, or facing up to the choices he himself made. He could erase me and avoid all of that, try to put it out of his mind like it never happened. In that situation you’d have every right to feel anger. Mine is still internalized too much. Oh my goodness, WCN. You perfectly articulated what I’ve been feeling! I wish I could tell him all of this, but I don’t want to break NC. Also, I don’t think he will care. Link to post Share on other sites
whatcomesnext Posted March 15, 2018 Share Posted March 15, 2018 Yes, I’ve thought about telling him too. But the person I want to tell is the fantasy version of him that actually cares about me. I’ve thought it through so many times but I always stop myself because I know what I’ll get in response from the real him - deflection, avoidance, gaslighting, stonewalling. Even though the 1% chance that I’m wrong and the 100% desire for validation keeps me thinking about it again from time to time. But in the end I realize all I’d be doing is giving him yet another chance to hurt me. I am barely living through the hurt I’ve already experienced, I can’t afford to add on any more for a conversation that won’t change anything. He still left, and he’s still gone. Read this article. It helps me whenever my head starts to find excuses for him. https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/happy-one-day-chopped-the-next-when-they-breakup-and-vanish/ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BigBlueSky Posted March 15, 2018 Share Posted March 15, 2018 I think that it's interesting that it's often the women that are left hurt and angry in these situations. I just wanted to share something a friend had learned from her therapist that has been helping me. She was an OW too. She said that OW, at the end of an affair are often left struggling. We have compromised our values, our beliefs, our self esteem in the name of love (or what we believe is love). When that relationship is shattered, when the true nature of the relationship and OM is revealed, we are left with nothing. We have given up all of these things that we thought were important to us, and we are left with nothing to show for it. Everyone reacts in a different way. It could be despair, anger, all those fun things a lot of us are going through. However, the hard part comes when we start to crawl out of this fog and start focusing inward. What made me vulnerable? Why was I willing to compromise so much of myself? How can I be the person that I want to be? I know not everyone is in the same place in their healing, and that there are so many good reasons for us to be angry at the person that hurt us so deeply. However, when you're ready, I think it's important to start directing your focus inwards and towards your family. You have no control over OM, what he does or what he thinks. Only he is in charge of that and he may stay the same person forever, or he might change but it's not for us to know or control. Anyway, I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling and hope that you find healing. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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