Question for those doing NC ***Updated***

[FMW]

The person he cares about is himself. He cares about you if you are stroking his ego by reaching out to him and being available to him. Since you've stopped he's getting his ego stokes from somewhere else. He doesn't want to have to work for your attention, that doesn't do his ego any good.

 

That's what I'm telling myself about my situation. Only 8 days right now since our last contact but it has to start somewhere, right? Be strong and try to put your focus on you and what makes you happy. When you think of him think of all the pain and insecurity he's caused you and try to see it as a really good thing that he's not contacted you. You have to want better for yourself. And keep posting here

[Scoutjr]

I went almost two months without contacting him. 8 weeks to be exact. Last night I sent a text asking if I was blocked. Totally immature I know. I made so much progress and I had been feeling pretty good about myself, my family and even my husband and I are connecting more. So the text said it was delivered, but he didn’t respond. It’s probably for the best, but why does it still hurt so much? Why does he still have this “power” over me. I really hate it. I feel like I’m back to square one.

 

So some friendly advice to those doing no contact, keep with it no matter how painful it may be. I find the urge to contact comes in waves, and it’s best to resist it. Feeling discarded and used is a much worse feeling.

 

Wishing you all strength!

[skywriter]

I went almost two months without contacting him. 8 weeks to be exact. Last night I sent a text asking if I was blocked. Totally immature I know. I made so much progress and I had been feeling pretty good about myself, my family and even my husband and I are connecting more. So the text said it was delivered, but he didn’t respond. It’s probably for the best, but why does it still hurt so much? Why does he still have this “power” over me. I really hate it. I feel like I’m back to square one.

 

So some friendly advice to those doing no contact, keep with it no matter how painful it may be. I find the urge to contact comes in waves, and it’s best to resist it. Feeling discarded and used is a much worse feeling.

 

Wishing you all strength!

 

8 weeks is quite an accomplishment! I'm just curious as to why you sabotaged the 8 weeks of NC by reaching out. He doesn't have the power over you as he didn't break the NC. You did this to yourself.

 

You aren't back at square one as much as you need to ask yourself why you are trying to cause yourself this unnecessary upset.

 

It seems to be that you should call a friend or family member when you feel anxious about breaking NC.

[rumblefish12]

Scout: I'm 3 weeks in NC this time around. Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry you are going through this. It's all progress. An attempt at breaking NC gets you one step closer to where you're ready to be done. AND, you were kind enough to share that lesson with us. I had a white-knuckle moment yesterday. It passed fortunately. If it happens again today (usually in the afternoon) I'm going to read your post for support. Keep going and keep sharing.

[BluesPower]

8 weeks is good...

 

I have tried to keep up with your stuff.

 

I have news for you though, not to be mean at all, but dear you were used. You were used for sex and an ego boost. That is really all that it was.

 

What do you think it will take for you to commit to your marriage and forget this guy?

[Scoutjr]

Yes, I guess he did use me. It’s a bad feeling. I am mad at myself. I don’t know why I’m having trouble moving on. I know he’s a bad person. Maybe part of me wants him to know it. Not that it would make a difference. He’s a narcissist so he had no feelings of remorse.

 

I have been trying to focus more on myself and husband/family. It has been good. I don’t know why I sabotaged myself!!

[Scoutjr]

Scout: I'm 3 weeks in NC this time around. Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry you are going through this. It's all progress. An attempt at breaking NC gets you one step closer to where you're ready to be done. AND, you were kind enough to share that lesson with us. I had a white-knuckle moment yesterday. It passed fortunately. If it happens again today (usually in the afternoon) I'm going to read your post for support. Keep going and keep sharing.

 

I’m glad it was helpful. Keep going. I’m going to try to take my own advice!

[BluesPower]

Yes, I guess he did use me. It’s a bad feeling. I am mad at myself. I don’t know why I’m having trouble moving on. I know he’s a bad person. Maybe part of me wants him to know it. Not that it would make a difference. He’s a narcissist so he had no feelings of remorse.

 

I have been trying to focus more on myself and husband/family. It has been good. I don’t know why I sabotaged myself!!

 

Listen... Once I really wanted someone to understand how much I loved them and how much they had hurt me.

 

I tried so long to try to get them to understand, it was a fools errand. People like this, really cannot see what they have done, or don't care, or whatever.

 

There is no way to make them see that, and their never will be.

 

Try to focus on your marriage or get out of it an focus on you.

 

Because focusing on him and trying to make him understand will never happen.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I went almost two months without contacting him. 8 weeks to be exact. Last night I sent a text asking if I was blocked.

 

 

Two questions. Why did you care if you were blocked? And how do you feel now that you contacted him?

[Scoutjr]

Thank you blues power. That was actually pretty helpful. I guess I want other people to know how awful he is. But yes, time to move on and forget him. Thank you for giving me the benefit of your experience.

[Scoutjr]

I went almost two months without contacting him. 8 weeks to be exact. Last night I sent a text asking if I was blocked.

 

 

Two questions. Why did you care if you were blocked? And how do you feel now that you contacted him?

 

I didn’t think it through, I guess. And how do I feel now? Lousy.

[Cullenbohannon]

Shut the door now.

 

You sent out a breadcrumb and even though he has not replied (at the moment), the next time he is "available" he will reply. He will use you again. You must find the strength to block his reply. Do it for your family, for your husband, but most of all, do it for all the reasons you post to LS. Do not discard the fantastic work you have done, for a moment of need. You will feel worse if you leave this door open.

 

Dig down deep and press block. Do it right now.

Edited February 2, 2018 by Cullenbohannon

[shypapaya67]

Sorry this happened... hang in there - I know it totally sucks- I'm going through the same and the same feelings. They are an addiction and I hate it. Think it's worse when they don't respond- at least for me. Know you are not alone and post to us when you are feeling week.

 

Whenever I'm having problems staying away I come here and re-read all the posts and it sets my head back on track

[CrazyKatLady]

I know how you feel. It's been 6 weeks NC for me and I am positively sure the guy used me--he was my professor...should have seen that one coming! Lol. I am not sophisticated at all though! I did not even know what NC was and that my ex was doing it to me on purpose! Lol. Oh well, we live and we learn, right...I just wonder if the tuition I paid for his class covered the NC rule...I don't remember seeing that on my University bill statement...hmmm...maybe he was kind enough to give me a freebie?!

I am getting a kitten tomorrow-just like my screen name suggests...I am crazy, love cats, and I am a lady most of the time...

Maybe you could get a new pet to snuggle and hold and love to create a distraction...

Do something nice for yourself, something that you would love that he should have done for you if he had cared at all...it would have been so sweet for my ex to bring me a kitten on Christmas when he decided to push me and scream at me and break it off for good by telling me what an awful person I was. See, I know how to be kind to myself, even he wasn't. That's how I get through my NC nowadays.

[sunrise_sunset]

Fool's errand. I like that, Blues. It pretty much sums up the millions of pointless attempts we folks here on LS have spent desperately trying to understand our MM's/MW's.

 

Scout, let me ask you...was there wine involved? I ask, mainly because my own urges to reach out are much stronger after a glass (or three). In fact, I believe most of our arguments and even the breakups are spurred on by booze (on my end, he is not a drinker). Anyway, I came here tonight just to stay safe and found your post about breaking NC. The way I see it, you are STILL in such a good place from where you used to be. You cannot beat yourself up, especially because of how you actually feel about reaching out (lousy). You're not hopeful, you're not excited at the prospect of him responding, it all just feels crap now. That should be more reinforcement that the end IS THE RIGHT THING. Nothing feels good about this anymore! So that's what's necessary to keep soldiering on.

 

What is your free time filled with this weekend? Fill it. Keep it full of activity to keep that mind active and free from lousy xMM thoughts! And keep posting! Your own thread inspired me to respond. It helps!

[Scoutjr]

You guys are the best. I just have to realize he is a jerk. I guess I was looking for some kind of “justice.” I just hate feeling like I don’t matter and he used me. What is wrong with these people! I’m gaining a lot of strength from all of you!

[Grey Cloud]

One thing I learnt (the hard way!) is that these MM are NOT thinking about us the same way we do them. In fact, we have been placed squarely in a box. They move on very quickly with their life and don’t continue to daydream, obsess and fantasise in the same way! They have either moved on to another OW or content with keeping their good image intact with their wife.

 

I think Rumble and Jenkins are the only exceptions (in terms of thinking about their OW) but the majority don’t look back.

 

This helped me let go and move on but it took me a long time to realise this fact.

Edited February 2, 2018 by Grey Cloud

[Scoutjr]

One thing I learnt (the hard way!) is that these MM are NOT thinking about us the same way we do them. In fact, we have been placed squarely in a box. They move on very quickly with their life and don’t continue to daydream, obsess and fantasise in the same way! They have either moved on to another OW or content with keeping their good image intact with their wife.

 

I think Rumble and Jenkins are the only exceptions (in terms of thinking about their OW) but the majority don’t look back.

 

This helped me let go and move on but it took me a long time to realise this fact.

 

You are probably right Grey Cloud. It's hard to grasp that you really meant nothing to the OM. I'm not sure that helps me move on...it just makes me angry!!! Maybe I will get there one day.

[FMW]

I made a list and keep it on my phone and on my computer desktop at work (the title of the document is STOP) listing out all the reasons I need to stay away from xMM, all the things he's done that have hurt me. I pull that list up when I'm feeling weak and I read it and remember how I felt over each incident. That usually snaps me out of it, for at least a little while.

[Grey Cloud]

You are probably right Grey Cloud. It's hard to grasp that you really meant nothing to the OM. I'm not sure that helps me move on...it just makes me angry!!! Maybe I will get there one day.

 

You did mean something in the beginning - I would have said my xMM was head over heels for me at the start. But was it ME or was it just limerance? Was it me specifically or just an ego boost and validation and a distraction from everyday life and responsibility?

 

There was attraction and feelings I’m sure for each of these MM. But they are better at recognising for what it is - an affair, not a replacement for their wife. A bit of fun. We get stuck on what it all meant. And let’s face it if it’s all for nothing it’s a very hard truth to face.

 

When it ended I really was stuck for ages. Going through everything over and over. There were a few times when I spoke to xMM and it was obvious it wasn’t the same for him. I was a happy memory but a distant one. I wasn’t constantly in his thoughts. Yes it made me angry and yes it made me sad but I used that to snap out of my obsession as best I could. Why should I remain in the past when he clearly had moved on with the view of “it was fun while it lasted but it couldn’t continue because I was never planning on leaving my wife”.

 

They may have cared for the OW and may continue to do so but not enough to disrupt their life.

Edited February 3, 2018 by Grey Cloud

[whatcomesnext]

It is so helpful to read these posts and see other people struggling with the same issues. The sense of powerlessness and injustice, feeling like you never mattered and it was all for nothing. GreyCloud I’m exactly where you say you used to be. Feeling stuck and going over everything over and over, wishing he would say or do something to take away the pain or show that he cares, and hopelessness always sets in. Reading these posts gives me a glimmer of hope that one day I will be able to stop blaming myself and get past this pain too. OP you are doing great. NC is so hard, especially when you actually cared about someone and miss them (or who you thought they were - that difference is hard to wrap one’s mind around). I suppose it’s better to be a person who really cares and has a full heart rather than the alternative, even if that means being hurt. Narcissistically inclined men who put their own interests first are incapable of having that kind of empathy. Doesn’t make it hurt any less, but we have to keep reading these boards and reminding ourselves over and over that these men will never give us what we want, will never understand and appreciate the pain they caused, and do not deserve our love and devotion, until we believe it. I sound way more confident than I feel about it but maybe sounding like it is one step towards believing it!

[DKT3]

You are probably right Grey Cloud. It's hard to grasp that you really meant nothing to the OM. I'm not sure that helps me move on...it just makes me angry!!! Maybe I will get there one day.

 

I'm not looking to be harsh, just giving you another way to look at it.

 

I'm sure you care about your husband, but it didn't stop you from having the affair and now obsessing about what it meant to MM. I guessing that MM is the same, I'm sure he cared about you but it doesn't mean he wanted his life to change for you.

 

Do you think your husband would feel similar about your marriage and you as you now do about the affair and MM? How would you explain to husband that you do care about him and didn't want to hurt him?

 

Again, I think answering those questions of yourself would give you some insight into MM.

[Scoutjr]

Narcissistically inclined men who put their own interests first are incapable of having that kind of empathy. Doesn’t make it hurt any less, but we have to keep reading these boards and reminding ourselves over and over that these men will never give us what we want, will never understand and appreciate the pain they caused, and do not deserve our love and devotion, until we believe it. I sound way more confident than I feel about it but maybe sounding like it is one step towards believing it!

 

Thanks for posting this WCN (whatcomesnext). It's a good reminder. I just hate the injustice of it all, that he gets to go on without a care and throw me aside. I will never understand people like that.

 

All these posts really help me, I feel like someone understands and that I am not all alone. I do not have a friend I can talk to this about because I am also married and no one knows. So thank you again. I am feeling a bit needy these days, so may be posting a lot.

[whatcomesnext]

I know exactly how you feel Scout. I am also married, although my husband does know (I told him). Maybe it was easier for me to tell because mine was an EA. Doesn’t make it better from my perspective, but I think my husband views it differently because it wasn’t physical. I haven’t posted my own story because I really just need support and am not looking to debate the morality of adultery. I have been extremely depressed and am doing IC twice a week as a result of this whole thing. I get that adultery is wrong but I think sometimes people need to be careful when choosing their words and not be too harsh because you never know where someone is mentally and emotionally. For me reading harsh words can twist my feelings and make me feel more hopeless and misunderstood which is not a good place to be if you are already struggling to move forward with life. I fell in love and thought it was once in a lifetime. Naive, naive. Now I have to live with the pain and consequences. My MM discarded me very coldly without any recognition of what we shared or any closure. I know closure is a relative term, but this man had me turned so upside down to the point where I completely lost my entire sense of self. It was all about him. I couldn’t think about anything else and felt I would literally die without him. Then he just disappeared on me and when I confronted him about it (with my heart on my sleeve) acted like everything was fine. Told me he needed to focus on some things, wasn’t mad at me and it was all good. He erased me like I never happened. Threw me away like garbage and ran away like a coward in the face of my pain and confusion. I still see him regularly and it is so painful. I keep trying to remind myself that he is not worth it and that his actions speak to his true character. Though it is very difficult to mourn both reality and fantasy/illusion at once.

[Bittersweetie]

I'm not looking to be harsh, just giving you another way to look at it.

 

I'm sure you care about your husband, but it didn't stop you from having the affair and now obsessing about what it meant to MM. I guessing that MM is the same, I'm sure he cared about you but it doesn't mean he wanted his life to change for you.

 

Do you think your husband would feel similar about your marriage and you as you now do about the affair and MM? How would you explain to husband that you do care about him and didn't want to hurt him?

 

Again, I think answering those questions of yourself would give you some insight into MM.

 

DKT3 has a valid point here. I think sometimes us WW find it "easier" to focus on the MM and why he did what he did rather than focusing on ourselves and why we did what we did. Because us WW focusing on why we made the choices we did is really hard to face. It's hard to look in the mirror and accept the choices we made, to realize we've been a hurtful person too.

 

Maybe the next time you feel like reaching out, think about this aspect. How would your H feel if you said you ended the A, but yet you still would reach out through texts periodically? Reframe things from a different perspective.