Question for those doing NC ***Updated***

[FMW]

I believe it's likely the betrayed spouses know, especially if they are in long term marriages. I think they decide to either willfully ignore the truth or to at least not look too closely at things. Maybe having the AP reveal it would force them to acknowledge it, but then again maybe not.

 

Of course maybe I'm wrong, but I just have a really hard time believing that a WS can be that good at hiding what he/she is doing. It took me a long time to confront my xH about his infidelity because I just wasn't ready to deal with the reality that our 23 year marriage was dead and go through the financial and emotional consequences of divorcing. I think my xMM's BW is in that same frame of mind.

[DKT3]

That’s what I was afraid of. But I do like “soul less trash heap” and “vile oozing”! I will have to keep that in mind.

 

Why don’t I block him? Good question. Maybe I still feel like there will be a chance for closure...

 

Closure? Or a chance to restart?

 

Closure is a myth, acceptance is the key. So many MW/OW have a hard time accepting the affair is over. You could talk to him one hundred times a day for one hundred days and not gain closure. Accept it and move on.

[DKT3]

You are very kind, Poppy. I have never met ex-MMS wife, nor will I ever. She had two young kids with this jerk, and I sometimes worry about her, as odd as that seems. I wouldn’t tell her to hurt her, but sometimes I wonder if she knows what a narcissist she married.

 

Think about this...So you would be willing to tell his wife so that she knows what kind is f man she is married too, but you haven't told your husband? It's comments like this that lead people to say women in affairs are delusional. Does this sound logical to you?

 

So what would be your real motivation to tell his spouse? Revenge? Maybe hoping she would toss him out? Because it's surely not out of any sort of care for her well being, since you aren't willing to show your husband that level of care.

[Scoutjr]

Think about this...So you would be willing to tell his wife so that she knows what kind is f man she is married too, but you haven't told your husband? It's comments like this that lead people to say women in affairs are delusional. Does this sound logical to you?

 

So what would be your real motivation to tell his spouse? Revenge? Maybe hoping she would toss him out? Because it's surely not out of any sort of care for her well being, since you aren't willing to show your husband that level of care.

 

Those all very good points, DKT3.

[Scoutjr]

Closure? Or a chance to restart?

 

Closure is a myth, acceptance is the key. So many MW/OW have a hard time accepting the affair is over. You could talk to him one hundred times a day for one hundred days and not gain closure. Accept it and move on.

 

Also, good points. I guess you are right, There is no closure. I guess in all of this I am mad at myself for even getting involved and being weak. I don't think anything will ever help me overcome that.

[Scoutjr]

is to go back in time...

[MidnightBlue1980]

Also, good points. I guess you are right, There is no closure. I guess in all of this I am mad at myself for even getting involved and being weak. I don't think anything will ever help me overcome that.

 

Of course you can feel better and overcome those feelings. You just have to want it and you have to give it time. A lot of time. It's somewhat of an active decision for a while but then it just becomes normalcy. One day you realize you found the closure you were seeking, but it did not come from another person, it came from yourself.

 

There is a lot here. First you need to forgive yourself. You texted him, you make a mistake, we all do, move on. Consider yourself lucky that he did not respond. There is no magic recipe, just move forward and let time fix things. You do need to figure out why this happened of course, and I understand you did not tell your husband, so you need to figure out if the problem is something you can fix yourself. Is the problem you or your marriage?

 

We are all weak, that's why we are here. Some are stuck, can't let go and move on. It's human. Take the anger at yourself and redirect it in a positive way. If you were 85 years old looking back at yourself, what advice would you give the current you?

 

Life is short. Forgive yourself and move on. Oh and I don't want to generalize and say they all come back but a lot do. If you hear from him, the best course of action is no response. Nothing. Zip. Remember, that is what builds your personal power. That is why when you text him you feel terrible. You gave your power to him. Keep it for you.

[MidnightBlue1980]

is to go back in time...

 

Accept that cannot happen. You can only move forward.

[MidnightBlue1980]

is to go back in time...

 

My friend sent to this me when I was where you are

 

[Scoutjr]

Of course you can feel better and overcome those feelings. You just have to want it and you have to give it time. A lot of time. It's somewhat of an active decision for a while but then it just becomes normalcy. One day you realize you found the closure you were seeking, but it did not come from another person, it came from yourself.

 

There is a lot here. First you need to forgive yourself. You texted him, you make a mistake, we all do, move on. Consider yourself lucky that he did not respond. There is no magic recipe, just move forward and let time fix things. You do need to figure out why this happened of course, and I understand you did not tell your husband, so you need to figure out if the problem is something you can fix yourself. Is the problem you or your marriage?

 

We are all weak, that's why we are here. Some are stuck, can't let go and move on. It's human. Take the anger at yourself and redirect it in a positive way. If you were 85 years old looking back at yourself, what advice would you give the current you?

 

Life is short. Forgive yourself and move on. Oh and I don't want to generalize and say they all come back but a lot do. If you hear from him, the best course of action is no response. Nothing. Zip. Remember, that is what builds your personal power. That is why when you text him you feel terrible. You gave your power to him. Keep it for you.

 

I really do think the problem is me. Or I am the problem. I feel like I missed out on something. Maybe it's the classic "mid-life crisis" - not to make an excuse. I just have to figure out what I want for myself. To be honest, my husband is a very kind, generous man. He is not the "alpha" male that ex-MM is. But then I think. would I be happy being married to someone like that? Probably not. I guess when I said I worried about his wife maybe I am projecting, and thinking of myself in that situation. My Dh is a very strong person. Probably one of the strongest people I know. Not sure where I am going with this. But it is very hard to forgive myself.

[Scoutjr]

My friend sent to this me when I was where you are

 

 

Thank you!!! I feel so weak and alone sometimes...

[DKT3]

Also, good points. I guess you are right, There is no closure. I guess in all of this I am mad at myself for even getting involved and being weak. I don't think anything will ever help me overcome that.

 

Accept that you are human, and we all F up. The thing that separates people is how you correct those F ups.

 

I think in your case it's all about getting honest with yourself. So I ask again, what's your motivation for wanting his wife to know. There is really only three reasons, revenge, wanting to force him into action in the hopes that he picks you or true concern for his wife. We all know it's not the latter..

[Scoutjr]

Accept that you are human, and we all F up. The thing that separates people is how you correct those F ups.

 

I think in your case it's all about getting honest with yourself. So I ask again, what's your motivation for wanting his wife to know. There is really only three reasons, revenge, wanting to force him into action in the hopes that he picks you or true concern for his wife. We all know it's not the latter..

 

One and three, but probably more one. I do not want him for myself. I won't actually do it, but I do think about it...

[imsosad]

You are very kind, Poppy. I have never met ex-MMS wife, nor will I ever. She had two young kids with this jerk, and I sometimes worry about her, as odd as that seems. I wouldn’t tell her to hurt her, but sometimes I wonder if she knows what a narcissist she married.

 

I get what you're saying.

I am not speaking or speculating directly on this specific MM, but a general observation I have after meeting several couples where the WS is leading a constant double life, because that is their intentional decision, to keep their home as a safe haven while doing whatever they want outside.

There is no way to know what their home life is like. If he is getting enough out of his relationship with his wife and wants to maintain it, it's possible he's a perfect husband and father and that is her main experience of him. It's tricky, because if he can really carry on a double life and not have her suspect at all, he is one cold,manipulative, jerk.

I don't think the BS always knows. If the WS is truly a narcissist, then they put on a show that suits their needs and a BS can be left in the darkness for decades, thinking everything is just great. would we want to be in that position? Probably not, but it doesn't mean she is experiencing his dark side.

[Scoutjr]

Accept that you are human, and we all F up. The thing that separates people is how you correct those F ups.

 

I think in your case it's all about getting honest with yourself. So I ask again, what's your motivation for wanting his wife to know. There is really only three reasons, revenge, wanting to force him into action in the hopes that he picks you or true concern for his wife. We all know it's not the latter..

 

I guess it’s hard to accept I’m human. I was always told my feelings were wrong from a young age and that I should not have them.

[shypapaya67]

You are probably right Grey Cloud. It's hard to grasp that you really meant nothing to the OM. I'm not sure that helps me move on...it just makes me angry!!! Maybe I will get there one day.

 

I feel like the anger feeling is the next step to actually getting there. When you move to being angry it helps change your perceptions of them and makes it easier. At least it was/is for me. I feel this was a huge turning point for me!

[Scoutjr]

I feel like the anger feeling is the next step to actually getting there. When you move to being angry it helps change your perceptions of them and makes it easier. At least it was/is for me. I feel this was a huge turning point for me!

 

I’ve been angry too. I’m not sure what makes me feel better. I just wish he could feel the same pain.

[Imajerk17]

I’ve been angry too. I’m not sure what makes me feel better. I just wish he could feel the same pain.

 

Whenever you feel angry, think of what your poor husband is going through. When he finds out he will wish YOU could feel the same pain.

 

I'm not trying to be mean here. I am wondering if you are using your anger at MM to avoid having to face what you did in the affair, and quite possibly, the real state of your marriage, whether it is actually worth staying together or whether you and H need to divorce (even if there were no affair).

Edited February 6, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Scoutjr]

Whenever you feel angry, think of what your poor husband is going through. When he finds out he will wish YOU could feel the same pain.

 

I'm not trying to be mean here. I am wondering if you are using your anger at MM to avoid having to face what you did in the affair, and quite possibly, the real state of your marriage, whether it is actually worth staying together or whether you and H need to divorce (even if there were no affair).

 

I understand that. I've been trying to figure out all this time what drew me into this affair. I think it was a combination of things. I think my marriage went through some periods where we felt disconnected. We have two children, and one has a chronic medical issue (Type 1 diabetes) and that coupled with everyday stresses, it's the typical story. Also my DH is not a very emotive person, he shows his love in deeds not words. So when MM came along he was very attentive, charming, etc. etc. It was nice to feel wanted and pretty. My Dh never says anything about my appearance or gives me compliments in that way. It's just not his personality. And to add to that, sex was lacking. He was never a very sexual guy, and when I met MM, he was the polar opposite. I realized what I was missing out on in terms of sex. I am not making excuses, I'm just trying to explain a little. I don't expect others to understand because every situation is different and everyone is different.

 

It does not help matters that ex MM is a narcissist, which I did not know at the time. He has no remorse. I have a lot of remorse. I wonder if I should tell my DH. I think about it often.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I understand that. I've been trying to figure out all this time what drew me into this affair. I think it was a combination of things. I think my marriage went through some periods where we felt disconnected. We have two children, and one has a chronic medical issue (Type 1 diabetes) and that coupled with everyday stresses, it's the typical story. Also my DH is not a very emotive person, he shows his love in deeds not words. So when MM came along he was very attentive, charming, etc. etc. It was nice to feel wanted and pretty. My Dh never says anything about my appearance or gives me compliments in that way. It's just not his personality. And to add to that, sex was lacking. He was never a very sexual guy, and when I met MM, he was the polar opposite. I realized what I was missing out on in terms of sex. I am not making excuses, I'm just trying to explain a little. I don't expect others to understand because every situation is different and everyone is different.

 

It does not help matters that ex MM is a narcissist, which I did not know at the time. He has no remorse. I have a lot of remorse. I wonder if I should tell my DH. I think about it often.

 

The reasons you list are basically generic reasons for the typical affair after being married for a while, you are probably in your 40s, someone showed you attention and you felt alive. It's probably all about you. Typical mid life crisis. I don't mean that in a bad way, only that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. There is not always a deep rooted reason. It does not always mean you need to divorce or sit in therapy for years talking about your parents.

 

You are only starting on your journey with all this but I wasted 3 years of my life which I can't get back - on a 5 month affair which mainly consisted of one hour a week on the phone, a date once a month and a million texts and emails. I was like a mental patient. You will get to a point where you will just be like enough. Time marches on, with or without you living life.

 

In terms of telling, it really depends. Mine knows but I was at the point where I was so miserable in my life I was okay with divorcing. He wanted to fix it. So if that is your situation, tell. But if you want to tell to alleviate your own guilt and think you will feel better, you won't. Many people here say the spouse has a right to know. It's your life though. You made a mistake, only you know if you can grow and move on.

[DKT3]

The reasons you list are basically generic reasons for the typical affair after being married for a while, you are probably in your 40s, someone showed you attention and you felt alive. It's probably all about you. Typical mid life crisis. I don't mean that in a bad way, only that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. There is not always a deep rooted reason. It does not always mean you need to divorce or sit in therapy for years talking about your parents.

 

You are only starting on your journey with all this but I wasted 3 years of my life which I can't get back - on a 5 month affair which mainly consisted of one hour a week on the phone, a date once a month and a million texts and emails. I was like a mental patient. You will get to a point where you will just be like enough. Time marches on, with or without you living life.

 

In terms of telling, it really depends. Mine knows but I was at the point where I was so miserable in my life I was okay with divorcing. He wanted to fix it. So if that is your situation, tell. But if you want to tell to alleviate your own guilt and think you will feel better, you won't. Many people here say the spouse has a right to know. It's your life though. You made a mistake, only you know if you can grow and move on.

It's her life? Or it's their life?

 

I just don't think it's every ok to make unilateral decision that impacts other as much as you without informing them of those actions.

 

The whole guilt thing is just plain BS. You tell because your actions have consequences for those close to you. She risked her families way of and well being. So no, it's not her life it's Thier lives. So it Thier RIGHT to know. It's his right to have a say in what kind of life his has and who he spends it with.

 

Let's all get honest here, no one doesn't confess out of "saving" the partner. They are unwilling to confess to save themselves, to not face the consequences and shame of those actions. So enough with that guilt business or protecting the partner stuff.

[wmacbride]

It's your life though. You made a mistake, only you know if you can grow and move on.

 

This is the selfish attitude that leads to an affair in the first place. When you get married, you agree that you are part of a team, something larger than just yourself and what's easiest for you.

 

 

The op isn't a terrible, cruel or even innately selfish person. She's a human being who made some bad choices and big mistakes. Surely, part of learning from them and moving on n her marriage is building it on a foundation of honesty and openness and also being able to work with her husband to make it as great for both of them as they can. I fail to see how one can do that with a lie this big sitting right in the middle of it.

[Cullenbohannon]

I have a lot of remorse. I wonder if I should tell my DH. I think about it often.

 

Confessing to relieve ones guilt is not BS. Some can take their affairs to the grave and some can not. The guilt tears them apart. I don't think this OP can hold out much longer. Read what she writes. She does not beat down her husband. She desires to make the AP pay for her sins, while at the same time searches for value in her destruction. She feels that the A is unforgiveable and considers telling both BS. The self flagellation paints a picture of a WS in torment. Unfortunately for her, she has a conscience and will probaly talk.

 

Perhaps you should spend some time considering how you want all this to end. Lets assume this comes out in some fashion. What do you want of your husband and marriage? You wrote your husband is the strongest man you know. This is your blessing and your curse. A strong man could take the pain and battle with you, which may result in a stronger marriage. The curse is that a strong man could also throw you out immediately and permanently.

 

Spend some time thinking about your future and the path you wish to follow. Know your answers before you look the man in the eye and start talking.

 

Best wishes to you and your family.

[wmacbride]

OP,

if you do decide to tell your husband, I would make the suggetsion that you shift your view from that of a wounded ap to that of a ws.

 

That may sound like a tall order, but it might actually be really helpful to you. The affair happened, but now its over, and you can't change the past. Accepting that and also that you might never be bale to have all the answers and explanations you want can set you free.

 

After that, what you can do is look to the future and decide what sort of marriage you want to have. Once you have that figured out, you can start taking the steps you need to take to begin the work of making that happen.

[Bittersweetie]

Wmacbride has some very good advice on this page. Please read it again.

 

Also, maybe instead of asking "Why did I have an affair?" Ask a different question:

 

Why did I think it was okay to make those choices?

 

Choices that have the potential to hurt or blow up your spouse, your family. Choices that obviously have hurt you badly as well.

 

Because we know, deep down, that the choices were wrong. Yet we moved forward anyway. Why?