Gaeta Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 Why does some people only see the extremes? It's temporary infatuation or a meh-relationship, as if it's the only types of relationships out there. There is a wide variety of relationships in between that can be satisfying and fulfilling. I would like to add not all long-term relationships turn 'meh'. You need to see/think outside the box. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 Why does some people only see the extremes? It's temporary infatuation or a meh-relationship, as if it's the only types of relationships out there. There is a wide variety of relationships in between that can be satisfying and fulfilling. I would like to add not all long-term relationships turn 'meh'. You need to see/think outside the box. I guess I can only speak from my past experience. I have never had a LTR with someone I felt strongly about. The most I felt was some kind of warm affection and that's after nearly a year together. I always tried to tell myself at the time that it was "sensible". I need that intensity or I would rather be single. NG - sometimes separated guys come through? I know quite a few women that are now in happy relationships with guys that were separated when they met. I am actually surprised that my separated ex (things ended about 10 months ago) is now officially divorced. I never thought it would happen at the time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 I guess I can only speak from my past experience. I have never had a LTR with someone I felt strongly about. The most I felt was some kind of warm affection and that's after nearly a year together. I always tried to tell myself at the time that it was "sensible". I need that intensity or I would rather be single. I would never advocate to be in a relationship with a man you don't feel strongly about but to be in an meaningful long term relationship you have to believe they exist, I don't know about you but No_go does not believe in them so how can she find something she doesn't believe in. NG - sometimes separated guys come through? I know quite a few women that are now in happy relationships with guys that were separated when they met. I am actually surprised that my separated ex (things ended about 10 months ago) is now officially divorced. I never thought it would happen at the time. Bad advice. It's hard enough to find a man with a good head on his shoulder I would not gambling picking one that's just out of a relationship. Maybe 1% of them come through, not enough to take a chance. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bachdude Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 I think life generally is less messy, more straightforward, less risky, more fulfilling, less hurtful, and more rewarding to not engage in hook ups or FWB, etc. Use things. Love people 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 I say stay away from casual and dive into your fears of true intimacy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted January 15, 2018 Author Share Posted January 15, 2018 Why does some people only see the extremes? It's temporary infatuation or a meh-relationship, as if it's the only types of relationships out there. There is a wide variety of relationships in between that can be satisfying and fulfilling. I would like to add not all long-term relationships turn 'meh'. You need to see/think outside the box. Yeah, it is sure a spectrum. The thing is at least for me if the intensity is not there, compromising becomes very hard, resentment builds up and things go from okay to sour very rapidly. This is what happened with my long-term ex. I'm sure if I was madly attracted to him the course of action would have been different because I'd have been more forgiving on day-to-day basis. Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted January 15, 2018 Author Share Posted January 15, 2018 I guess I can only speak from my past experience. I have never had a LTR with someone I felt strongly about. The most I felt was some kind of warm affection and that's after nearly a year together. I always tried to tell myself at the time that it was "sensible". I need that intensity or I would rather be single. NG - sometimes separated guys come through? I know quite a few women that are now in happy relationships with guys that were separated when they met. I am actually surprised that my separated ex (things ended about 10 months ago) is now officially divorced. I never thought it would happen at the time. I have had the same experience in my relationships. Warm affection develops, even some form of bond, but the excitement (that I know I CAN experience because I've had it with crushes) has never been there. It is almost like if it is not there in the beginning, it only gets worse. He may come through ..... I just don't trust him enough, or at least not yet. If he comes up with data - we'll be on a different page. He doesn't have much ties with her (no common kids, she has kids from other marriage but they were adults when they met so not even stepkids; separate property, so no obvious ties), but I feel like I should take the approach better safe than sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted January 15, 2018 Author Share Posted January 15, 2018 I'm indeed very afraid of a rebound even if all is finalized. I haven't seen signs of rebounding (the artificial speed up etc) but who knows... I believe meaningful relationships exist, it is just a very rare thing, most people mate for comfort/reproduction/company/assets/social status... which is what makes me skeptical. I do believe in the real thing though. I would never advocate to be in a relationship with a man you don't feel strongly about but to be in an meaningful long term relationship you have to believe they exist, I don't know about you but No_go does not believe in them so how can she find something she doesn't believe in. Bad advice. It's hard enough to find a man with a good head on his shoulder I would not gambling picking one that's just out of a relationship. Maybe 1% of them come through, not enough to take a chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 I believe meaningful relationships exist, it is just a very rare thing, most people mate for comfort/reproduction/company/assets/social status... which is what makes me skeptical. I do believe in the real thing though. In my world people mate because they are in love and want to celebrate it by committing to each other. I am older than you and I've been around the block more than once and I do not know anyone around that married for comfort or reproduction or company and even less for assets or social status. People still marry or live common-law because they love each other and want to build on it. If you believe in it then change the tune in your head. Stop thinking and talking about settling, sperm donors, casual dating, casual sex, taking breaks, special platonic arrangements and all that stuff. If you believe in it then go for it and put all of your heart into it! Take me for example, I was online close to 4 years and met about 200 men before my BF. I didn't get discouraged because of a few let down. At each fail I got back up and back on my saddle. I believed in it when no one else around did anymore and I got what I wanted and beyond. If I had not believed in it and act like I believed in it, it would not have happened. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 Dating without expectations for progression to commitment (live-in RL/marriage or pre-procedures like making it 'official', meeting the friends/family, being introduced to people as a couple). Basically the emotional and physical intimacy without the burden of 'ordinary' dating. So basically FWB yeah, but with more impact on the 'friends' then on the 'benefits'. There has to be a progression and you cannot get out of it. You know what they say, if you cannot change a thing then change your perception of it. Perception = reality. Ordinary dating is not a burden, it's a process and a necessary one that has a purpose. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 Speaking only for myself I literally have had nothing but casual relationships over the past 20 years or so. Having such a horrible experience with infidelity I decided long ago that I would guard my heart as best as I could. I have stated this countless times before on LS, but I think in this case it bears repeating. The reason I date only causally is purely for physical purposes. I always expect someone to become interested in the newer model as it comes out, so when that time comes I step aside and I don't feel bad, because time stops for no one. There is always going to be a better looking guy that comes along with more money, better game and a bigger dick...it's just the way life is. In a lot of ways I know that is avoidant of making committment,and somewhat of a copout when I may find that person of my dreams if I gave it some effort. After what I experienced, I'd ever wish what happened to me on anyone else, not even my worst enemy. I prefer to never put myself in that position again to thinking I need someone in my life to make me happy. Some people may in fact really need someone in their life for any number of reasons. I'm just not one of them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted January 16, 2018 Author Share Posted January 16, 2018 Haha Gaeta, you hit on ALL my needs and wants here: settling, sperm donors, casual dating, casual sex, taking breaks, special platonic arrangements Eh, settling and taking breaks may go, but I do feel like I need some breather before trying to impose all of these on the same person aka my future mate It is awesome you didn't get discouraged through 200 dates, that's dedication. I've been on 2 last year and still was kind of overwhelming. Each on my first dates (I counted - exactly 11 OLD, few IRL) I do remember in exact detail. Some has been years ago. Maybe that's why I get overwhelmed. Or more likely... Just so far the desire to have a mate is not strong enough to go through pains. Maybe it will change as time passes... In my world people mate because they are in love and want to celebrate it by committing to each other. I am older than you and I've been around the block more than once and I do not know anyone around that married for comfort or reproduction or company and even less for assets or social status. People still marry or live common-law because they love each other and want to build on it. If you believe in it then change the tune in your head. Stop thinking and talking about settling, sperm donors, casual dating, casual sex, taking breaks, special platonic arrangements and all that stuff. If you believe in it then go for it and put all of your heart into it! Take me for example, I was online close to 4 years and met about 200 men before my BF. I didn't get discouraged because of a few let down. At each fail I got back up and back on my saddle. I believed in it when no one else around did anymore and I got what I wanted and beyond. If I had not believed in it and act like I believed in it, it would not have happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted January 16, 2018 Author Share Posted January 16, 2018 Some people may in fact really need someone in their life for any number of reasons. I'm just not one of them. Yeah. I think this is the thing that doesn't let me get full on in finding a mate: I am pretty happy on my own. Yes, I have my physical needs and yes, I sometimes do have my emotional needs. But does it need to be all imposed on the same person in some crazy carousel trying to entrap him for myself, and put as much claws as I can so he has NO chance to run away from me. Evil, right? Medieval too. I want someone in the periphery, someone who will be there because HE wants to, not because we're playing the dating game. Too bad the things with the guy in the thread seem to be an impasse, he beautifully illustrated that this is possible, at least in an emotional sense... Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted January 26, 2018 Share Posted January 26, 2018 any new developments? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 26, 2018 Share Posted January 26, 2018 I want someone in the periphery, someone who will be there because HE wants to, not because we're playing the dating game. We need to de-program you from this constant negative thinking concerning relationships. I'm thinking shock therapy maybe? ;-) People in fulfilling relationships don't stick around, they WANT to be around even after years together. I want to be with my BF, he wants to be with me, there is no pretending what so ever. No one is there because it's convenient, we're there because it's fun, it's uplifting, and it enhances our lives. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted January 28, 2018 Author Share Posted January 28, 2018 any new developments? I can’t help it Cookies. Every time we meet it is like standup comedy - he’s creating situations and I awkwardly make fun of myself ... but so much sexual tension in these moments , I want to pour a bucket of cold water all over me to cool down and get back to normal... Tonight ... I’ll update further if we’re moving from comedy to action or comedy to drama... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted January 28, 2018 Author Share Posted January 28, 2018 We need to de-program you from this constant negative thinking concerning relationships. I'm thinking shock therapy maybe? ;-) People in fulfilling relationships don't stick around, they WANT to be around even after years together. I want to be with my BF, he wants to be with me, there is no pretending what so ever. No one is there because it's convenient, we're there because it's fun, it's uplifting, and it enhances our lives. Haha shock therapy may do it. Life is bringing me roadblocks - for god sake I am not even sure what I want anymore ... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted January 29, 2018 Author Share Posted January 29, 2018 So the update is I’m just not cut for casual dating We spent amazing few hours in the woods - he showed me hidden spots and side paths I’d have never thought of. The time was flying, we laughed and played with the dog... I got so bonded to his dog I was resting on him And when departure time came - I fleed away. I froze, ran and almost didn’t say goodbye. I don’t know what he thinks but I am sure he’s not looking for an ONS. Nothing physical happened. He maybe legitimately separated and not lying... I’m paranoid in my guts about this so instead of asking, I just panicked. Worst thing is... I just can’t fake it any further that I’m just sexually attracted. Another bad infatuation bug... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 No kiss? did he try? Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted January 29, 2018 Author Share Posted January 29, 2018 No kiss? did he try? Nope... Story with the summer guy repeats ... He was trying to get closer when I ran away... What am I doing wrong? I want this dry spell to end... Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 What even is this!!! How strange. Do you think maybe you at giving them the impression you just want to be friends 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 It sounds so frustrating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted January 29, 2018 Author Share Posted January 29, 2018 What even is this!!! How strange. Do you think maybe you at giving them the impression you just want to be friends I guess... Although here he told me something that made me think... He said he never asked a woman out by now, he’d wait them to make the first step. Otherwise he’d be too nervous. So I guess he gave me a ‘hint’. Do you think this is reversible situation? I mean I’m still hesitant but may step it up... if that’s the only way... Link to post Share on other sites
greymatter Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 I'm confused...what happened? Did he try to kiss you and you backed off and left? Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted January 29, 2018 Author Share Posted January 29, 2018 I'm confused...what happened? Did he try to kiss you and you backed off and left? No I backed off and left when he started closing the distance. No kiss was initiated. It wasn't that awkward as I described it - we were still chatting as I was going away This is how it always goes with him - if I don't leave while talking we'll easily talk through the night 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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