How to navigate casual dating?

[Cookiesandough]

I completely understand It is just something you want to experience at this stage in your life. .It seems good in theory, I just really never can take the plunge and every time I find a candidate he’s really passive. Maybe that’s subconsciously intentional so it never happens, but I think I’m just attracted to more cerebral types vs the easy types and probably the same for you. The fact he is out of reach probably makes him more attractive to you

[No_Go]

I completely understand It is just something you want to experience at this stage in your life. Yup... Quite possibly for a first and last time, then I'll focus on settling.

 

It seems good in theory, I just really never can take the plunge and every time I find a candidate he’s really passive. Ughhhh same. Maybe because we both started late in life? That's why I always pair with duds, because they are the only guys that manage to force themselves on me. My first guy was near rapey and I'm afraid to say but I kind of needed it, otherwise I'd have still be a virgin (forever virgin, I swear).

 

Maybe that’s subconsciously intentional so it never happens, but I think I’m just attracted to more cerebral types vs the easy types and probably the same for you. 100%, I can't get a spark with the light and breezy types at all. I need a level of drama and depth as well

 

The fact he is out of reach probably makes him more attractive to you Yeah... The fears are gone. I feel safe. I don't feel like I need to put my girlfriendey mask. I can be myself. It is delightful.

[Dis]

I should have prefaced my previous statements but suggesting No_Go ask the guy about his relationship status before making any moves or going out on anymore dates

 

No_Go, you are well within your rights to ask him if he's separated, divorced or still married and as one girl looking out for another, its important you find that out before this progresses

 

I'd hate for this guy to still be married only to have an affair with you. That would be awful and I would feel so badly for his wife

 

Call him or ask him in the beginning of the next date

[No_Go]

Yeah I was trying to figure this out myself because I'm not sure he'll tell me the truth, but I guess I need to trust him and ask directly.

[Dis]

Yeah I was trying to figure this out myself because I'm not sure he'll tell me the truth, but I guess I need to trust him and ask directly.

 

Yes, def ask directly

 

I think it would have been good to know that before any dates took place so now is the time to ask

 

You have every right to know this No_Go so dont feel bashful

[No_Go]

Yes, def ask directly

 

I think it would have been good to know that before any dates took place so now is the time to ask

 

You have every right to know this No_Go so dont feel bashful

 

True. All meets so far (ok, maybe except one that was borderline) can be accounted as friendly hangouts so I think I am in the clear. But yeah I need to know asap, I was playing detective so far but I need to ask directly (I did indirectly and he acted single/living alone at least, but I need more proof). Unless he's in an open marriage - then is not cheating I guess? Separated I'd consider cheating though... so I really need to know.

[Gaeta]

This guy is just so charming and caring, and makes me feel safe around him. I don't think he'll want to detract me from my goals, he also know what I'd ultimately need to do, some day.

 

But we have this very cute bond,.

 

When we want to have a casual thing we don't pick a man that we find charming, caring and that makes us feel safe, it's how you end up with a broken heart. For a casual thing you pick a man you find hot but can't stand his character. The type of guy you want out of your place as soon as possible after the deed.

 

I think you should work on saving some energy to find a mate and not waste time on a casual fling that's risky like this one. You'll end up heart broken and you'll spend the next year getting over it, that's 12 wasted ovulations.

[No_Go]

When we want to have a casual thing we don't pick a man that we find charming, caring and that makes us feel safe, it's how you end up with a broken heart. For a casual thing you pick a man you find hot but can't stand his character. The type of guy you want out of your place as soon as possible after the deed.

 

I think you should work on saving some energy to find a mate and not waste time on a casual fling that's risky like this one. You'll end up heart broken and you'll spend the next year getting over it, that's 12 wasted ovulations.

 

:lmao: Oh no eggs for the waste.

 

The thing is, you're right. This one is toast for casual, he's on my mind and I though having 'casual' sex with him will cure it but I agree it may get worse.

 

Tomorrow I'll know more but heck I can't believe my hormones are playing me so badly I've never been the 'falling' type. I guess because I'm getting old my body is trying to trick me. Or I don't know otherwise, possibly losing my brain little by little

 

I still want to try casual some time before settling but especially after reading what you said - I am losing hopes it can happen. Unless I'm emotionally attracted to a guy I can't find him hot, literally my vision blocks and I don't even record how the guy looks. I guess my choice is self-love, pets, muses and later - settling. I hate life a bit.

[RecentChange]

Been there, done that, got the T shirt.

 

And it's always worked well for me - but I know you and I are basically opposites NoGo.

 

For me? What worked?

 

First being really upfront and amazingly clear about my intentions and what I want. Reactions have been "wow, the directness is a breath of fresh air".

 

I talk, I am direct, I ask questions. For me, if I imagined myself in the scenerio you are in, it would go something like this:

 

So, what's your story Bob? Do you live alone? Is there a lady in your life? (There wondering solved). I would talk about my current situation "I busy with a lot of stuff right now, and would love to have something that was just mutual fun right now".

 

I would flirt "I don't know if I can pin point it, but there is something about you I always found attractive".

 

I would be very upfront, and open the door for him - it's up to him to follow me through, but if he is at all interested, he'll take my hand and walk through it.

 

I disagree with Graeta that he has to be hot, but with a bad character.... Because character is what attracts me most, and makes the sex good. It's what makes me respect someone, and I have to respect him to desire sex with him (I know not all are wired like me, but that is how I operate).

 

That said - there should be something that prevents me from even considering him a long term thing.

 

I had a great FWB through my college years. We had wonderful, deep philosophical conversations, shared dinners out and movies on the couch. Had AMAZING sex that surely made his neighbors want to leave the state But we both knew that "we" were never meant to be long term. Didn't share many interests, while sex with him was fun, and he had a brilliant mind, we just weren't cut from the same cloth.

 

We were sex buddies. We would talk about our dating adventures and give each other advice without an once of jealousy. And in a way, I really did care about him, and his happiness, and I would do my best to help him with his goals.

 

But us? For the long run? Never, and we knew that, it was crystal clear and concisely conveyed from the start.

[No_Go]

Recent - here I so badly wish I was direct like you. I feel like I'm messing up with this guy badly because of my own insecurities and not saying what I want.

 

Since this is something I've already done (I mean auto-complicating the situation)... I'm wondering is there a way to back-paddle? I guess I'll need to change the tone massively. We have built some momentum but I think this week will be make or break, depending on whether I'd be able to lead on mature conversation, get answers and set expectations...

[Cookiesandough]

How many dates have you been on and what was the nature of the dates? I missed some stuff

[No_Go]

How many dates have you been on and what was the nature of the dates? I missed some stuff

 

Clear your PM and you'll see In short - it is hard to tell because we've been coworkers and friends for a couple of years now, but things flipped in the end of last year, before Christmas and we had few meals & walks one-on-one after that plus communication in between.

[Cookiesandough]

Clear your PM and you'll see In short - it is hard to tell because we've been coworkers and friends for a couple of years now, but things flipped in the end of last year, before Christmas and we had few meals & walks one-on-one after that plus communication in between.

 

Oops. Done!! Please share?

[No_Go]

Aaaaaand... it is not a happy ending but I had to run not walk. He is NOT divorced and although he said separated some info that I have found says otherwise...

 

So I'd have been stepping in an affair ... I'm so glad that I'm a good online stalker, I don't care how much negativity online checkups get, this time they saved my dignity, I prefer to be dead than to wreck homes

[Cookiesandough]

Maybe depending on how recent his separation was maybe the online stuff hasn't been updated or isn't accurate? But I guess it's still too close for comfort for you. Sorry to hear that.

[No_Go]

WTH someone will foster a pet with an ex? I know they are both in some animal care organization but usually people that are not together won't refer as foster mom&dad to a pet... Yikessssss....

Edited January 12, 2018 by No_Go

[No_Go]

I guess I’m getting back bad karma or something, this whole thing is crushing me And that’s after not crossing any lines, I can’t imagine how bad it would have been if I have done something impulsive:(

 

He appears extremely disappointed and I wonder did I screw it by leading on, by not asking questions and doing my own research, by mere personality weakness.

 

I want to take a break of men whatsoever for the next 10 years to come .... I feel like I opened Pandora’s box when I started with the whole dating carousel 5-6 years ago. It brought me so much drama and messy situations of all kinds that I think I should have just stayed dateless virgin and called it a day. Ok, enough ranting but the conclusion is: I should NOT step into games that I don’t know how to play, even if just mentally...

[Maggie4]

There is nothing casual about sex. Don't do it.

 

I think you are seeking physical validation from him. Don't rush. If you're not even sure if he lives alone, you don't know him well enough, and you risk being foolish to suggest FWB ( when you're not yet F enough ).

 

I also think this is a type of sabotage. You meet a guy you like and you downgrade him to just the physical. But not all guys are easy. Get to know each other more.

[No_Go]

There is nothing casual about sex. Don't do it.

 

I think you are seeking physical validation from him. Don't rush. If you're not even sure if he lives alone, you don't know him well enough, and you risk being foolish to suggest FWB ( when you're not yet F enough ).

 

I also think this is a type of sabotage. You meet a guy you like and you downgrade him to just the physical. But not all guys are easy. Get to know each other more.

 

Yeah I think what my confused brain was trying to do is to downgrade it to physical (sex and emotion don’t correlate much for me) to avoid another emotional drama.

 

I have sensed something is off and suspected he’s married (separated whatever not single status) throughout ... and since I enjoyed the company and the friendship I wanted to make ‘something’ out of it and arrived at this misplaced though FWB can be it.

 

Now nothing happened and we’re both upset and I don’t even want to think if I followed the nature and got into something completely against my ethical framework. I feel like it is a temporary pain that is a price I need to pay for being naive and for avoiding a much bigger pain....

 

Just.... the conclusion is to stay away from any men before I get my mind straight because I am realizing, hormonal or otherwise, I’m getting into crushes waaaaaay too much, way too often, which suggests I am in no shape or form ready to be dating, casual or otherwise ...

[Cookiesandough]

Just.... the conclusion is to stay away from any men before I get my mind straight because I am realizing, hormonal or otherwise, I’m getting into crushes waaaaaay too much, way too often, which suggests I am in no shape or form ready to be dating, casual or otherwise ...

Totally know that feel

[No_Go]

Totally know that feel

 

I guess nothing wrong with taking time off, if you can. But it is like a plaque, nothing helps, I have erased all my OLD profiles and minimized social exposure and even that didn't help..

[Cookiesandough]

Forgive me if this qualifies as a thread jack, but I think it is vaguely pertinent to the discussion of casual dating.

 

I was thinking about the guy who was the topic of my oneitis thread, who I am no longer interested in(but that’s another story)

 

He had a great concept. He says that he does not sleep with people until he gets close to them. And I believe that when he sleeps with someone he would consider himself in a relationship with that person. Whether that be on date one, two, three,.

 

I was caught up in lust. I remember his big blue eyes were all puppy dog like when we pulled away from kissing. You know how guys eyes get all droopy when they look at you when they are turned on?I I kept obsessing over how close we were to it. I mean if we had both not been so gosh darn socially awkward, if we were more experienced, if we were two normal

Adults who didn’t need those attachments to have fun and just went for it, we would have just had casual sex. Because that’s actually how people have casual sex. That primal lust overtakes them and they bang. . And if they like it they keep doing it, I suppose

 

Do I wish I would’ve done that with him? Yes and no. On one hand, it’s not me and I would’ve felt guilty most likely. On the other, he is freaking hot and I was obsessing over it for a very long time. Like there was the ball coming at me why did I not swing why did I not swing!!! But there’s always that curiosity about the road we didn’t take, right?

 

 

I think people who don’t multi-date put themselves in a tough situation. I will never stop multi dating until I am actually starting to get intimate and falling for the person. I will stop seeing others if I ever get to the point where sex is on the table, but that already means that I am extremely comfortable, close, and trusting of this person.

 

I have a new date with a new guy who seems promising. He’s the polar opposite of the other guy. He asked me what I’m “looking for” and told me he is looking for something real and long last thing. I doges by telling him that I am looking for a real and long lasting blood orgy. Because no one needs to know what I’m looking for but me, and I don’t even really need to know. I will continue to go on dates with different men until one catches my attention because one at a time is a waste of time and you get too obsessed

Edited January 14, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[No_Go]

I'm like your oneitis guy actually... so far every time I had sex with someone (or for what matters, 3 out of the 4 times I made out with someone) - relationship imminently followed.

 

I wanted to have a different experience (casual) but got trapped in this potentially very messy situation... I'm so glad I didn't more forward, but like you I am also deep inside thinking how many opportunities I've paased on because of overthinking...

 

For multidating we can agree to disagree. The older I get, the more convinced I am that the crushes that develop and lead to nowhere are not useless, they are the most powerful part of dating because fntasy&reality meet in an unique overpowering way.. Untill time comes to settle into real (aka convenient, mutual) relationship arrangement with someone, like al good girls do...

[Eternal Sunshine]

When I was younger, I regretted every crush I got that led nowhere.

Now, I get crush feelings for guys so rarely that it makes me happy even if I get rejected or dumped. I’m just grateful that I can still feel that intensily. In those moments, I feel truly alive and authentic. Even a few dates like this are much more valuable to me than an entire “lukewarm-meh” relationship.

[No_Go]

I’m just grateful that I can still feel that intensily. In those moments, I feel truly alive and authentic. Even a few dates like this are much more valuable to me than an entire “lukewarm-meh” relationship.

 

^This.

 

I came to this conclusion after I had a strong crush post the meh (but comfortable) LTR I had. My ex would repeat over and over that’s how things should feel in a ‘healthy’ RL and I was almost believing him.

 

Now, 2 crushes later - I’m just thanking my lucky starts every morning that I’m still alive, able to feel, and the meh LTR ended for good instead of doing something stupid ....