Consequences ***Updated***

[FMW]

closetohome, hopefully this is your breaking point, the point of no return.

 

Mine was the humiliation of being ghosted for 3 months for ANOTHER OW. That finally killed it for me.

 

It doesn't stop the pain, but I think it's actually a good place to start the healing, being clear you are done, no matter what he does or doesn't do in the future.

 

I am confident (weirdly I guess) that I WILL get past the pain, but I realize it will just take some time. Hopefully you can see your situation the same way.

[DKT3]

Finding My Way,

Thank you. I felt like it was unnecessarily cruel for him to say that as well. When I told him it was a sh**ty thing to say to me, he said “No! I don’t want an inappropriate f**king friendship! Stop getting mad at f***king honesty! Just get it!”

It felt so low to me. So cruel. I no longer serve any of his needs now that he says he’s happy. Not even as a friend. What a jerk. Clearly I’m hurting.

 

It may feel cruel, but he is 100% correct. Not to play revisionist, but how much better would you be had you not had that conversation? Remember that next time the opportunity presents itself.

 

I have a question, how do you reject someone who refuses to accept the rejection? The more you push the nastier he will likely become.

[closetohome]

It may feel cruel, but he is 100% correct. Not to play revisionist, but how much better would you be had you not had that conversation? Remember that next time the opportunity presents itself.

 

I have a question, how do you reject someone who refuses to accept the rejection? The more you push the nastier he will likely become.

 

DKT3,

The thing is, I know it is the right thing. His approach was just very cruel to me. You’re absolutely right though. At least with this conversation, I know 100% that this “friendship” is over. There is nothing left.

 

As for the rejection piece. I’m unsure of what you mean? He has rejected me. Actually, he has rejected me time and time again, only to come back for another round before doing it again. It has happened so many times, I have lost count. I know that it’s rejection and I have not and will not push anything further. I have at least some pride and self-respect left not to do that.

 

I won’t beg or chase him for a friendship that really isn’t one after all. He doesn’t care about me. For a long time I thought he did. But he doesn’t. Now I know. But yeah, my ego is bruised and my feelings feel stepped all over.

 

I doubt he will ever reach out to me again. I’m going to use this time to really detach and work on myself. No more holding on to tiny shreds of some special connection I thought we had. I have a lot of work to do.

[DKT3]

closetohome;

 

Ok, you dont beg...but you make yourself present and available, which to him maybe coming off as aggressive.

 

Listen, right now you a searching for a easy way out and expecting him to show you 5he way. You cant taper off from an affair, you cant be friends which is really just your attempt to maintain your apparent one sided relationship (at this point).

 

No easy way out

[closetohome]

closetohome;

 

Ok, you dont beg...but you make yourself present and available, which to him maybe coming off as aggressive.

 

Listen, right now you a searching for a easy way out and expecting him to show you 5he way. You cant taper off from an affair, you cant be friends which is really just your attempt to maintain your apparent one sided relationship (at this point).

 

No easy way out

 

Yes you are correct. I don’t beg, but always hope deep down that he will be back. I need the hope to be crushed. That’s what I always hang on to. Hope. It’s awful.

 

And yes, no tapering off. It hasn’t always been one-sided, but it most definitely has been for the last while. That is apparent to me. Cold turkey must be the only way for me.

[Bittersweetie]

Close and Finding...please don't make the mistake I made. After xAP ghosted me the first time, then we started talking again months later, a part of me thought, "This time, I will dump him! Then he'll know how it feels!" My wounded ego wanted revenge.

 

What really happened is things got intense and worse and he ghosted me again. I know how easy it is to think "this time it will be different" but the change cannot come from AP....the change has to come from YOU. Close, you say this time feels different, but only YOU can make it different. Does that make sense? Good luck.

[closetohome]

Close and Finding...please don't make the mistake I made. After xAP ghosted me the first time, then we started talking again months later, a part of me thought, "This time, I will dump him! Then he'll know how it feels!" My wounded ego wanted revenge.

 

What really happened is things got intense and worse and he ghosted me again. I know how easy it is to think "this time it will be different" but the change cannot come from AP....the change has to come from YOU. Close, you say this time feels different, but only YOU can make it different. Does that make sense? Good luck.

 

Bittersweetie,

Thank you for your words. I did say it feels different. In two ways actually - I felt like he was so firm and to say he genuinely didn’t want this friendship really made me feel so small and insignificant. It stung badly. I don’t think he is talking about me as a person (right, cause he thinks I’m “great”, barf), but he actually sounded like he is done with all the inner conflict, guilt, risk of friendship, etc.

 

It also felt different to me personally, because I felt kind of numb when he was telling me this. I just feel like I have to throw my hands up in the air and say, I’m done. To be rejected over and over again, while thinking that we are friends, is a really tough pill to swallow.

 

I no longer want to peek out my window to try and see him. I no longer want to look at my window, knowing when he gets him, just to see if he looks to my house to see if I’m there (which he always did). I no longer want to try to bump into him outside so we can talk. I’m terrified at this point to run into him. I feel so humiliated and embarrassed that he dismissed me like this and wants to be casual acquaintances. I’m so, so humiliated.

 

Thanks for sharing your story. I know it has to come from within me. I know it. But like I said, I really feel as if he is done with me this time. So I’m hiding like hell until the pain goes away and I just stop caring. I have people who truly love me and appreciate me. He doesn’t. My friendship means nothing to him.

 

One day at a time.

[FMW]

I guess I was kind of lucky (although honestly it was offensive) that xMM sent me several texts after seeing me again for the first time in over 3 months, he asked if he could "come over". I say lucky because it allowed me to ignore him for a day and then ultimately respond with what amounted to WTF? I got to "reject" him.

 

But like I said, it was offensive that he asked, after absolutely no contact for 3 months and having just spent four hours earlier that afternoon/evening with his new OW in "my" place, in my face. I am very clear now on how little respect he has for me.

 

I have no intention of having any interactions with him whatsoever. As I said, he's a stranger to me now.

 

Thanks for your concern and advice Bittersweetie It really does mean a lot.

 

Dealing with all the feelings and the pain is an ongoing process. It's the legacy of my choice to get into the relationship and stick with it for so long.

[FMW]

closetohome, I hope you very soon get to the point where YOU are done with him. It doesn't matter if you feel he is done with you for good - who cares about him? YOU are in control of your life, choose to shut the door, regardless of whether he decides to knock again in the future.

[NotADayGoesBy]

Closetohome I'm sorry for the pain you're experiencing right now. He actually gave you a (painful) gift. You know without a doubt it is over, so no more hope, so you can move on. The way he did/said it was mean, but it was necessary. If he had been nicer, that would have kept up your hope, wouldn't it?

 

And you can't be friends. It's awful, it's sad, etc. to have to cut someone off so completely that you felt so strongly about, but there is no way. Not until all the feelings have died which could take a long time, and once that happens you probably won't want him as a friend anyway--you probably have plenty of friends. And even though you were friends, you never wanted him to JUST be your friend--once you cross that line, that's it, it's all or nothing and since you're both still married it has to be nothing. It's harsh and it hurts and that's why we are all having a hard time moving on and are on this board

 

I'm still really struggling because my xMM works with me and does the hot/cold thing too (suddenly there will be a day like Monday where he finds reasons to have lots of work related contact with me, and then days of nothing) and it totally messes with my emotions. The withdrawl yesterday was so bad I didn't know how I was going to make it. It will be so much easier now that you have no contact at all. If it upsets you to see him, change up your routine, go in through the back door, do whatever it takes to protect your feelings and avoid seeing him. Hang in there.

[closetohome]

Closetohome I'm sorry for the pain you're experiencing right now. He actually gave you a (painful) gift. You know without a doubt it is over, so no more hope, so you can move on. The way he did/said it was mean, but it was necessary. If he had been nicer, that would have kept up your hope, wouldn't it?

 

<SNIP>

 

Finding My Way, I really apologize for threadjacking. Your words and everyone else who has replied has been very helpful, so I thank you.

 

NotADayGoesBy, your reply is very much appreciated. Everything you said rang true to me. I am in a lot of pain, but I do feel like I will be ok one day. You’re absolutely right, it’s the hope that is killer. Even to have him in some way, even as a friend, is all I wanted. We have had the conversation numerous times, usually when he’s cutting it off, that we have tried so many times to be friends and it just doesn’t work. I will always be the one wanting more from him, that much I can see clearly. I will always be disappointed. To be honest, this isn’t the first time he has told me we need to be “casual acquaintances”. He has said this to me a few times. However, this is the first time I feel more humiliated than I care to admit. Could be the way he worded it or the harshness. I don’t know.

 

I have to be honest with all of you. And this is embarrassing. Even after he said these things to me the other day, I asked him to tell me if he ever changes his mind. I asked him to only come back if he meant it, to which he replied “Ok. I will.”

 

I’m so embarrassed. I can’t believe I asked that of him.

 

I have basically been hiding out in my house so I don’t even have to look at his house. I make sure not to look when I walk by the window. I just keep replaying all of the things he said to me, and the way he said it. It’s crushing.

 

The confusing part is that I KNOW I deserve better treatment. I KNOW he doesn’t serve any of my energy. I KNOW I don’t want to think about him anymore and I KNOW I want to move on completely. Yet, I want him to want me, in some capacity. I want him to want me, although I desperately don’t want to want him anymore. Does that even make sense??

Edited January 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

Yet, I want him to want me, in some capacity. I want him to want me, although I desperately don’t want to want him anymore. Does that even make sense??

 

 

You want to be in control and make it your choice, instead he took all control out of your hands.

"he said “No! I don’t want an inappropriate f**king friendship! Stop getting mad at f***king honesty! Just get it!”"

 

He sounds angry and frustrated that you are still around. Sounds like he means it.

Stay away there is nothing for you there.

 

I know he has done this periodically but I guess it is time to end this farce for good.

[NotADayGoesBy]

The confusing part is that I KNOW I deserve better treatment. I KNOW he doesn’t serve any of my energy. I KNOW I don’t want to think about him anymore and I KNOW I want to move on completely. Yet, I want him to want me, in some capacity. I want him to want me, although I desperately don’t want to want him anymore. Does that even make sense??

 

I could have written this word for word myself. I get it and so do many others. If you're not in IC yet, it can help, so consider going.

 

I thought about the very same things you wrote above many times this week because I feel no better after many months of trying to move on (although as I mentioned, I have to see him so it's like I'm stuck in a Groundhog's Day). I think we all agree that it's not just about the person themselves, but how that person makes us feel about ourselves. For me, there is also a passion there--physical and emotional--that you just don't have in ordinary, everyday life, so it's hard to give up.

 

If I ever find a magic pill to take to stop wanting xMM I'll let you know In the meantime, don't be so harsh on yourself. We have all done and said things were are ashamed of in regards to our APs, whether we post it here or not.

[closetohome]

You want to be in control and make it your choice, instead he took all control out of your hands.

 

 

He sounds angry and frustrated that you are still around. Sounds like he means it.

Stay away there is nothing for you there.

 

I know he has done this periodically but I guess it is time to end this farce for good.

 

Elaine, yes, he took all power out of my hands. I caved the other day after ignoring him for 2 months because I started feeling bad that I wouldn’t even acknowledge him outside. I pretended he wasn’t there. I started feeling bad, so that’s why I reached out to him. To apologize. Then the conversation turned into that. All because I wanted to apologize for treating him poorly. The conversation took a turn I wasn’t prepared for. I wasn’t expecting him to talk to me like that and to say the things he did.

 

The whole thing is a farce. 3 years of a farce friendship. I wish I never accepted his offer to be “great friends” after the physical aspect of our affair was done. I’m thankful I never slept with him. I was only a “great friend” until he didn’t need me anymore.

 

Yes he has done this to me so many times, and something always resumes eventually. But I’m staying far the hell away. Even though I ended the conversation nicely, sending hugs his way, I will never forget the moment he said those things to me and how I felt. At least I can walk away knowing I was kind and thanking him for the good times that we did have. At least I can walk away knowing that I no longer want to hold onto anger and hate. I just want to let go. I’m tired of being a doormat and I’m tired of letting him come and go as he pleases, with his treatment of me getting progressively worse each time.

[FMW]

No worries about threadjacking, closetohome. It's a story we all share, sadly.

 

For a while I was feeling whiny and wondering why I had to deal with xMM crashing my weekly place of happiness with my friends. I have come to realize it's because I was not going to truly let go of him without this harsh in-my-face situation.

 

I had to be well and truly humiliated and have it shoved in my face that he actively chose someone else - NOT his wife - over me, even though I was always there for him and willing to go the distance. I kept pushing through all the challenges along the way, holding on to hope.

 

I can no longer reasonably have any hope. Even though he reached out to me, and I have a feeling might try again, it only served to prove how little I mean to him that he would put me in that position. This woman is glued to his side, her eyes never leave him - and he really thinks that witnessing this, week after week, I'm still an option when he's bored?

 

Again, closetohome, I hope you can come to fully digest your recent interaction with him and see things clearly for what they are. You are going to be stuck in your head and heart with this until you do. You are letting him steal your life because so much energy and emotion is tied up in this.

[FMW]

Another thing, closetohome -

 

I chose to divorce my xH at the very beginning of my involvement with xMM (not to be with xMM, that involvement was just the last straw showing me my marriage was over). So I am single now and free to entertain any option I want.

 

You are married and unhappy and unfulfilled. Your MM was your one avenue of escape and distraction. So I imagine the feeling of loss and maybe even hopelessness is much stronger because you feel your options are limited or non-existent.

 

It's a good reminder to reconsider what you are going to do with your life. If you can't find fulfillment and happiness with your husband is it really and truly the best option to stay?

 

Maybe that's the reason YOU are having to go through this episode. Figuring out why I was being faced with this latest "stuff" has been freeing for me, it's helping me move on.

[NotADayGoesBy]

Since this is your thread Finding, how are you doing? Been thinking about you wondering how things are going with him invading your turf. I remember you said you had a crush on someone new..how is that going?

[Aloha123]

Another thing, closetohome -

 

You are married and unhappy and unfulfilled. Your MM was your one avenue of escape and distraction. So I imagine the feeling of loss and maybe even hopelessness is much stronger because you feel your options are limited or non-existent.

 

 

This is my situation 100%. I talk about it with my therapist almost every week, It's like I'm in a house where every room (my MM, my husband) is on fire and there is no escape from one by trying to run to the other.

[FMW]

Thanks for asking NotaDayGoesBy!

 

I'm doing pretty well, all things considered. I'm still really hurt and wounded I guess would be the word, but I know eventually I'll be past it. He hasn't taken away my enjoyment of my Sunday afternoons, so that's a definite win in my column!

 

My crush is alive and well, we just flirt and have fun hanging out together. That's probably as far as it will go, and probably for the best (I think I need a little more time), but it's a nice transitional step.

[DKT3]

This is my situation 100%. I talk about it with my therapist almost every week, It's like I'm in a house where every room (my MM, my husband) is on fire and there is no escape from one by trying to run to the other.

 

Let me throw a few numbers at you from a infidelity study from a few years back. 2/3 of married women seriously considered leaving their marriage for AP. Less then 20% actually did. Of the 20%, 80% attempts to return to the marriage or reconnect with the husband within 10 months.

 

Now, do you think that is a result of a unhappy marriage or is it a woman in a decent to good marriage with poor boundaries that got herself in too deep then manufactured issues to justify it, only to later realize that she had done so?

 

Almost every WW comes here and says her marriage and husband are horrible, statistically speaking that is impossible. So which is it?

[Aloha123]

Let me throw a few numbers at you from a infidelity study from a few years back. 2/3 of married women seriously considered leaving their marriage for AP. Less then 20% actually did. Of the 20%, 80% attempts to return to the marriage or reconnect with the husband within 10 months.

 

Now, do you think that is a result of a unhappy marriage or is it a woman in a decent to good marriage with poor boundaries that got herself in too deep then manufactured issues to justify it, only to later realize that she had done so?

 

Almost every WW comes here and says her marriage and husband are horrible, statistically speaking that is impossible. So which is it?

 

I agree with you 100% that a lot of revisionist history is done by MW to rationalize their behavior. But in my case, my husband and I had not had sex in close to 3 years when my affair began. That is just the objective truth. I'm not making that up retroactively. Not that that AT ALL justifies my behavior.

But if you knew the details of what a horrible situation my affair is and that i knew FROM the beginning it would be a bad situation (from the start I knew it was not his first affair, that he was happily married and told me he had no intentions of leaving), no woman in a half-way satisfying marriage would have thought that sounded like an appealing alternative. So in my case it really was and is the symptom of an unsatisfying marriage. Not that my reaction to that reality was or is appropriate, at all..

Edited January 12, 2019 by Aloha123

[DKT3]

Sadly, most affairs are exactly what you're describing, so yes people in decent marriages enter into unhealthy affairs everyday.

 

Marriages dont create fertile ground for affairs, those grounds have always been available it only took the right combination to open the gate. Being hungry doesn't make one rob old ladies, there are many different healthy ways to combat issues. No, cheating comes from within, from a lack of resources (being healthy skills to navigate through bad situations). Its an easy escape that only adds to the problem in the end.

 

I believe if more women would recognize this it would be easier to come out the other side. See those same poor navigation skills are still at the forefront and skill driving your bus, if that makes sense??

Affairs come from ones inability or unwillingness to make tough decisions or be uncomfortable, not from bad husbands or wives. That is a cope out, and saying that others can control your behavior with theirs.

[Aloha123]

Sadly, most affairs are exactly what you're describing, so yes people in decent marriages enter into unhealthy affairs everyday.

 

Marriages dont create fertile ground for affairs, those grounds have always been available it only took the right combination to open the gate. Being hungry doesn't make one rob old ladies, there are many different healthy ways to combat issues. No, cheating comes from within, from a lack of resources (being healthy skills to navigate through bad situations). Its an easy escape that only adds to the problem in the end.

 

I believe if more women would recognize this it would be easier to come out the other side. See those same poor navigation skills are still at the forefront and skill driving your bus, if that makes sense??

Affairs come from ones inability or unwillingness to make tough decisions or be uncomfortable, not from bad husbands or wives. That is a cope out, and saying that others can control your behavior with theirs.

 

Yes I agree with all of this, completely. There is a great deal of victim mentality displayed by the MW, in the marriage and the affair. and a complete lack of coping skills, judgment, boundaries, all of that. The one thing I would clarify is that saying one's marriage is bad or broken is not the same as saying your husband is a bad person.

[DKT3]

Oh, I hope that none of you women are taking my comments as saying your marriage and or husband's were great. I'm saying that ultimately that isnt why there were affairs. Easy to say so, harder to search yourself for a better answer, one that can truly alter your course. Affairs and cheating are never isolated events, there is always prerequisites behavior, often reaching back into childhood.

[FMW]

I thought I would add a footnote to the story that was the reason for me starting to post here on LoveShack a few years ago.  The man at the center of the story died yesterday morning, a few months short of the 5 year maximum survival expectancy he was given.  Although I haven't seen him in more than a year, I'm still part of the same musical community and we had mutual friends and acquaintances.  A good friend let me know a few hours after he had passed.  I really did love him so I was happy to hear that he died peacefully at home as had been his wish, and his wife was there with him at the end.  I'm not sure what happened to the other woman that "replaced" me.  Something for others in similar situations to take note of.   

I rarely comment on this part of the forum now, but I wanted to add this postscript.  I closed the door on him a few years ago.  But his death brings a different kind of finality, I guess like all deaths.  

Maybe this will have an impact on someone else currently holding on to mere scraps.  There are few happy endings, for anyone involved in something like this.  I'm very fortunate that I finally let go and moved on, and the relationship I'm in now is as different as night and day and a true blessing.