Consequences ***Updated***

[stillafool]

Or he was married to a woman who let it go, this is something that is far more common than people think.

 

It's true. Normally she no longer has any sexual desire for him anyway so she turns a blind eye.

[elaine567]

I received an anonymous text saying "just thought you should know not only are you sleeping with a married man but you're not the only one. Disgusting!"

 

I was at a party once with a friend who was an exOW and they split up years ago. The MM happened to be there and he greeted a women at the door, nothing out of the ordinary that I saw, and my friend says he is sleeping with her. I said "How do you know?" and she said "I just know." I kept my eye on them and yes, although they played it very cool and stayed away from each other the whole evening, no-one I guess would have suspected ordinarily, but the odd eye contact and the secret smiles gave them away.

My friend knew the drill and recognised it right away.

 

As for the anonymous text, I guess someone knows the drill here and has pinpointed you as his OW.

[FMW]

My xH was unfaithful to me and I did ignore it for a year or so. Our marriage was obviously not in good shape and we hadn't had sex in several years so I understood his desire to stray, I just wish HE had been the one to say we needed to divorce - I had gotten so numb to it all that it took me some time to realize the marriage needed to end, no matter what the hit to stability, financial or otherwise. My ability to get involved in an A with MM was the final push for me and within a few months of my involvement with MM I told xH we needed to divorce. Not so I could be with MM but because our marriage was obviously dead and leading to unhealthy behavior for both of us.

 

So I don't get actually separating and moving out for 2 1/2 years and then coming back and just going forward and ignoring things to "save face". MM says BW is a devout catholic and so doesn't believe in divorce, and before moving back to the marital home with him was saying she couldn't afford to live separate anymore. And of course maybe she's just waiting for him to die for an "easy" out, being a sympathetic widow (if you read my original post you'll understand that thought). MM has always talked about not wanting to split up their money and property, I think she probably shares that thought.

 

Living a lie in my marriage was destroying me, I don't get continuing it when it was blown up previously. But of course being the OW is destroying me now, and I can't understand why I can't walk away from it (I want to believe him when he says he loves me and this is different than his past flings and there are no longer any other OW, but I just can't trust him), so I guess we all have our reasons for staying in bad situations even if they don't even make sense to us.

 

I've thought about the anonymous text being a "wrong number" but thought it would be a huge coincidence since I seriously never get wrong number texts (calls yes, but not texts). My thought has been that it's a friend of BW doing it on her behalf, with BW's knowledge, after discovering my number in his phone.

 

So if I had to guess I would say after 2 1/2 years my A has been discovered, it's just not leading to a dramatic confrontation. At least not for now.

[Maddieandtae]

It could even be the MM texting you from a burner phone so that you think it's his wife so that the affair cools down.

[William]

As content in a separate thread on a more general topic moved back towards the topic already begun by the thread starter, moderation merged the threads as they were both running in the same forum.

 

However, should members wish to start a general discussion about undiscovered affairs, feel free to do so in our General Relationship Discussion forum. This forum, OM/OW, is for individuals who find themselves involved with committed partners and their specific stories and seeking of advice on those stories and our policy is for discussions of one topic to remain in one thread of discussion.

 

Thanks and please continue!

[eye of the storm]

My MM's BS caught him in 3 or 4 As before me. By the time our A started, I don't think she cared anymore. I say this because she found out about me and never said anything till he asked for a divorce. So, I agree with the premise that some spouses know.

 

 

OP, his illness has nothing to do with you. He is using it as a tool to keep you in line. "How can you desert a dying man?" But it has nothing to do with you. Even before he knew he had cancer he told you with his own words that he wanted his W back. He TOLD you that you were just a back up. Truly think about that.

 

 

Blocking him will hurt. You will feel pain. But healing from any injury hurts. Just keep that in mind. He injures you. Stop letting him. Then go thru the painful healing process. There is a difference in the pain.

 

 

The pain from being in an A is ongoing, there is no end. Just constant re-injury. The pain from leaving an A feels worse in the beginning. It feels like a ripping or tearing. but....eventually that pain ends and an ache takes its place. And then one day you notice the ache isn't as bad and one day in the future the pain is gone. Leaving an A is a pain that ends.

[FMW]

Maddieandtae - interesting possibility, although I really don't think that's it. When he's backed off at times I don't chase and it should be clear to him by now that I would never purposely cause trouble by exposing the A to anyone, that's unthinkable to me. It should also be clear to him, and I've told him, I'll walk away if he no longer wants me in his life. I know it would be best for all involved (including me) if he were truly reconciled with his BW. I just don't see that happening.

[FMW]

eye of the Storm, you're right. I've already realized that on the few breaks we've taken that after a few weeks it gets easier to deal with the hurt. But he has always come back after just a few weeks and I've allowed it so I haven't gotten very far in recovery.

 

In his defense, he's never, ever used his cancer as a tool to hold on to me, he's actually told me he understands if I don't want to deal with it (his staying in the marriage or his health), that I don't deserve to be in that situation. My not trusting him isn't because he's any less trustworthy than anyone being written about in these posts, and maybe he's even more honest than many. I don't trust him because he's lying to his wife, and also maybe because I've been the BW. Affairs take away any innocence you have about these things - or if they don't then you're in deep denial.

[eye of the storm]

...In his defense, he's never, ever used his cancer as a tool to hold on to me, he's actually told me he understands if I don't want to deal with it (his staying in the marriage or his health), that I don't deserve to be in that situation...

 

 

 

By saying that he understands if you don't want to deal with his cancer he is using his cancer to hold you. That, if you break up, you are dumping him because of his cancer.

 

 

You need to dump him because he told you from the very beginning that you were just a place holder.

 

 

Rip the band aid off, delete and block. If he gets thru that tell him that you will contact his W next time he calls/texts/emails/or shows up. He will not risk losing his W for you.

[FMW]

Thanks eye of the storm. I've been reading some of your other posts since it appears we have in common having been both the BW and the OW. Very helpful to hear from someone who has some understanding from experience.

[anika99]

My xH was unfaithful to me and I did ignore it for a year or so. Our marriage was obviously not in good shape and we hadn't had sex in several years so I understood his desire to stray, I just wish HE had been the one to say we needed to divorce - I had gotten so numb to it all that it took me some time to realize the marriage needed to end, no matter what the hit to stability, financial or otherwise. My ability to get involved in an A with MM was the final push for me and within a few months of my involvement with MM I told xH we needed to divorce. Not so I could be with MM but because our marriage was obviously dead and leading to unhealthy behavior for both of us.

 

So I don't get actually separating and moving out for 2 1/2 years and then coming back and just going forward and ignoring things to "save face". MM says BW is a devout catholic and so doesn't believe in divorce, and before moving back to the marital home with him was saying she couldn't afford to live separate anymore. And of course maybe she's just waiting for him to die for an "easy" out, being a sympathetic widow (if you read my original post you'll understand that thought). MM has always talked about not wanting to split up their money and property, I think she probably shares that thought.

 

Living a lie in my marriage was destroying me, I don't get continuing it when it was blown up previously. But of course being the OW is destroying me now, and I can't understand why I can't walk away from it (I want to believe him when he says he loves me and this is different than his past flings and there are no longer any other OW, but I just can't trust him), so I guess we all have our reasons for staying in bad situations even if they don't even make sense to us.

 

I've thought about the anonymous text being a "wrong number" but thought it would be a huge coincidence since I seriously never get wrong number texts (calls yes, but not texts). My thought has been that it's a friend of BW doing it on her behalf, with BW's knowledge, after discovering my number in his phone.

 

So if I had to guess I would say after 2 1/2 years my A has been discovered, it's just not leading to a dramatic confrontation. At least not for now.

 

Maybe his wife moved home not to save face, but because her husband is sick with a terminal illness and she wants to help him. Of course the MM won't say that because would make his wife look too human, too compassionate. Most MM like to portray their betrayed spouses as one dimensional selfish simpletons who barely exist.

[FMW]

Anika99, I've thought of that too, although at the current time he doesn't need anyone to take care of him, he doesn't seem ill. His cancer doesn't limit anything he does, he says he feels good, he looks good, he's active athletically and works regularly as a musician. His sexual performance certainly isn't lacking.

 

Hopefully he can hold the cancer at bay for a few years, but none of us are promised tomorrow.

 

But also, he's never portrayed his wife in a negative way, just that they loved each other but weren't in love, maybe never were, and that they weren't sexually compatible. But he's said on more than one occasion that she's a nice person. He very well may not be telling me the whole truth about their relationship, but he's never put her in a negative light. He takes the blame.

[BTDT2012]

You can let go, you don't want to let go. You were free and he chose his wife. Please choose yourself and remove him from your life.

[FMW]

BTDT2012 - exactly. That's why I posted here initially for insight on WHY I don't want to let go. I used "can't" instead of "don't want to" because although I try - by focusing on all the negatives, many that have been included in responses to my posts - nothing seems to get me to the point of saying I'm done. I hope it's clear from my posts that I'm not holding out any fairytale hopes, I'm not pretending things are anything other than what they are. I'm considering counseling so maybe that will help me understand why I won't let go.

[anika99]

Anika99, I've thought of that too, although at the current time he doesn't need anyone to take care of him, he doesn't seem ill. His cancer doesn't limit anything he does, he says he feels good, he looks good, he's active athletically and works regularly as a musician. His sexual performance certainly isn't lacking.

 

Hopefully he can hold the cancer at bay for a few years, but none of us are promised tomorrow.

 

But also, he's never portrayed his wife in a negative way, just that they loved each other but weren't in love, maybe never were, and that they weren't sexually compatible. But he's said on more than one occasion that she's a nice person. He very well may not be telling me the whole truth about their relationship, but he's never put her in a negative light. He takes the blame.

 

Having lost a family member and a personal friend to liver cancer I'm curious to know what stage of cancer your MM has and how is he treating it? In both cases of my loved ones the doctors gave them a very specific life expectancy. They gave my stepfather 18 months and he died 16 months later. My friend was given 6-9 months and he died 9 months later. I was told that when it comes to liver cancer that doctors can predict life expectancy with pretty good accuracy. I don't know if that's always true but in the case of my loved ones it certainly was. They were both also rather sickly looking even before diagnosis. Nothing major, just general fatigue, low weight, and poor skin color. My step father was not a candidate for a liver transplant because his age combined with how advanced his cancer was made it highly unlikely that he would survive a transplant. I never talked to my friend about why he wasn't seeking a transplant but I suspect it was for the same reasons as his life expectancy was even shorter.

 

Your MM sounds like he is still the picture of good health. Healthy people don't suddenly drop dead of liver cancer. There are many symptoms and it's a slow progression. Since your MM is still so strong and healthy why is he not seeking a liver transplant or treating the liver cancer more aggressively?

[elaine567]

Your MM sounds like he is still the picture of good health. Healthy people don't suddenly drop dead of liver cancer. There are many symptoms and it's a slow progression. Since your MM is still so strong and healthy why is he not seeking a liver transplant or treating the liver cancer more aggressively?

 

Maybe because the liver cancer is actually secondary spread from the throat cancer.

[FMW]

Ankika99 -

 

18 months ago MM was told his survival expectancy was 9 months to 5 years. He was told the tumor was too large to remove surgically. He's gone through several series of treatments, some research trials. He went through basic chemo and during that time lost his hair and did visibly appear unwell, but that was due to the treatment, not the cancer itself. One of the treatments resulted in acne for the period of time he was on it. The current treatment does not have visible side effects, just makes him lethargic for a few days after the biweekly treatments. His hair and skin are back to normal now. He will be on some kind of treatment forever until they no longer work. Each series of treatments has shown minimal effectiveness in shrinking the tumor.

He has scans every 8 weeks. The current treatment has shrunk the tumor somewhat and there has been no metastasis to other organs yet although he was told to expect that. The metastasis is what is expected to be fatal.

 

So for now given the circumstances he's doing very well. But cancer is unpredictable and can take sudden turns in very bad directions, and that's what he's been told to expect.

 

I think that is part of why I can't/won't walk away. I don't have the luxury of saying "check back later when you're clearer on your situation". I lost my father last year to cancer as well, so that may also play into it.

 

He has talked about leaving his marriage, as recently as a few months ago, but he didn't want to be the one to initiate it because she's been a good and faithful wife and she doesn't believe in divorce. And yes, he loves her and they share a long history as well as property and finances. I believe he really does love me, but what he's showing is that he loves her and their life together more. And I can understand that, even though it is very painful to me.

[FMW]

elaine567 - yes, you're right, the liver cancer is secondary to the original throat cancer.

[Maddieandtae]

Is the MM worried at all about the text you received? I suppose it could be someone in your own life trying to scare you off the affair. Either way someone is sending you a message intended to scare and hurt you.

 

I do know of someone who was having an affair and the woman confided in her best friend who in turn told this woman's husband and posted it on Facebook. I don't agree at all in the way the friend went about it on Facebook but affairs can trigger people and as much as you think you know someone throw affair info into the mix and you can get some very powerful results which you least expected!

[FMW]

Maddieandtae - MM has brought up the text a few times, on his own, wondering who sent it and how they got my number. So I think he has some concern about it, but apparently BW has said nothing to him to indicate she knows about me.

 

A friend of mine thinks it might be one of his former flings who has shown up at several of his gigs when we're there. My friend thinks this woman somehow is aware that MM and I are involved. My gut tells me the text was from a friend of BW.

[FMW]

My friend I mentioned above is the only one I've confided in and she expressed anger that someone was "messing with" me. I trust her to not share my secrets, I hold hers as well.

[FMW]

Any OW feel guilty for not responding when the MM texts? I'm currently ignoring his text from a few hours earlier just checking in and letting me know what he's up to since we haven't seen each other because of the holidays. I know it's crazy, but part of my problem in even temporary NC is feeling like I'm being mean to him, not being a good friend. Even though he at times has not responded to me for several days when he's in a funk.

 

And yes, I know many of you will want to say what I should feel guilty about is being in the A. Believe me, I do feel that. And I do know he's "being mean" and "not being a good friend to me" by different actions along the way and just the very nature of having an A.

 

I just wanted to hear from OW or OM to see if my feeling guilty for not responding to him is normal or part of my particular issues due to MM's cancer. After reading here I'm more cognizant of the possibility of that "hook" being in play.

[eye of the storm]

Of course you feel guilty. In your mind and on your side, this is a relationship you care about.

 

 

That is one reason blocking helps. You can't feel guilty about a text you didn't get. Blocking gives you space to heal and develop boundaries.

 

 

Remember one fact. It takes way less effort to keep an AP than to find, groom, and train a new one. This is true even if the AP is struggling.

 

 

He is not your friend.

[Poppy47]

Of course you feel guilty. In your mind and on your side, this is a relationship you care about.

 

 

That is one reason blocking helps. You can't feel guilty about a text you didn't get. Blocking gives you space to heal and develop boundaries.

 

 

Remember one fact. It takes way less effort to keep an AP than to find, groom, and train a new one. This is true even if the AP is struggling.

 

 

He is not your friend.

 

This is so true. If you are struggling with the relationship, he will just keep nagging at you. It isn't because he actually cares about you. He doesn't want his neat little arrangement upset.

 

He will get you at your lowest, most vulnerable moments.

 

Poppy

[FMW]

Thanks eye of the storm and Poppy47. I just get stuck in my own head going around and around in circles, it's good to get a clearer outside viewpoint!