Consequences ***Updated***

[Dreamwalker17]

You shouldn't be angry with him, he is a coward and a user which was totally obvious, and if you'd stay NC, you'd be over him long ago.

 

Just press forward, analyzing him or his motives is a waste of time. Next time save your love for someone worthy of it, this man clearly isn't.

 

All the best xo

[FMW]

Thank you Dreamwalker, you are right.

[Kschultz9876]

Ghosting seems cowardly and cruel, i was ghosted too. But in the end as I look back his ghosting me was actually a good thing. I know you have heard this a hundred times “when people show you who they really are, believe them”

[FMW]

Thanks Kshultz. I absolutely know I'm better off without him, I've always known I would be. But the problem is that crazy addiction that happens. Logic and reason can't touch it. We met when I was ending a long term marriage and my father was dying of cancer, and then almost immediately MM was diagnosed with cancer which later spread and was diagnosed as terminal. I think the intensity of all those emotions flooding through me constantly made the normal addiction that happens in affairs just grab hold of me to an even more extreme degree.

 

BTW, I appreciated reading your thread, I found it very comforting to read how you've gained strength and control of your life. That's where I'm headed

[FMW]

Three weeks in now since I came to accept that it's over, since I started feeling more disgust than nostalgia.

 

But yesterday I saw him for the first time in those three weeks. He showed up at the pub a few blocks from my house where he knows I go every Sunday afternoon for a jam session with many of our great local musicians. He's one of those musicians, and I know our paths will cross from time to time.

 

His wife came with him, so apparently they really are focusing on reconciling. And I truly do hope they are successful, I want him to be happy.

 

But it was a temporary set back for me in my healing. I don't want to ever resume our relationship, but being in such close physical proximity again brought back the pain full force that I thought was fading. And as those who have experienced it know, I've been preparing for the ending from almost the beginning, so although it's only officially been over for 3 weeks, I've been preparing for it for over 3 years.

 

For those of you that are well past the end of your affair how has your healing progressed? How long does the pain stay at a high level? I'm not only disgusted with myself about continuing to see him once his wife moved back in with him last year but also for still feeling the pain so strongly. Seeing him fills me with disgust, which is good, but the pain is right there with it. So discouraging.

[BluesPower]

Three weeks in now since I came to accept that it's over, since I started feeling more disgust than nostalgia.

 

But yesterday I saw him for the first time in those three weeks. He showed up at the pub a few blocks from my house where he knows I go every Sunday afternoon for a jam session with many of our great local musicians. He's one of those musicians, and I know our paths will cross from time to time.

 

His wife came with him, so apparently they really are focusing on reconciling. And I truly do hope they are successful, I want him to be happy.

 

But it was a temporary set back for me in my healing. I don't want to ever resume our relationship, but being in such close physical proximity again brought back the pain full force that I thought was fading. And as those who have experienced it know, I've been preparing for the ending from almost the beginning, so although it's only officially been over for 3 weeks, I've been preparing for it for over 3 years.

 

For those of you that are well past the end of your affair how has your healing progressed? How long does the pain stay at a high level? I'm not only disgusted with myself about continuing to see him once his wife moved back in with him last year but also for still feeling the pain so strongly. Seeing him fills me with disgust, which is good, but the pain is right there with it. So discouraging.

 

You know, I can't tell you... how to make it better.

 

What I can tell you is that I am sorry for what you are going through.

 

I can tell you that I have caused that pain and disgust that you are feeling in many woman. I can tell you that I am ashamed of the person and the things that I did during that part of my life.

 

I have since reformed but that does not help you.

 

Hang in there...

[Vivir]

Finding my way!

You already know what many of us are going to say here...

And you've already explained why you haven't done it and won't do it...

ALSO, I can understand that we feel we shouldn't have to change our lives because of a person or because of something that has happened...

 

But, I have news for you (and this is just in)...

Three weeks is an incredibly short time to get over something like this even if you have been preparing for it for three years. I'm sorry. But three weeks is very early days.

You have just experienced why no contact is so important.

It will hurt like crazy to see this man - especially if his doting wife is in tow...

It sucks, because the venue is in your neighborhood (your turf! I claimed it for you). Unfortunately, he is good rubbing his wonderful marriage in your face, knowing full well that you are hurting.

If I were you, I would have to forgo the jam sessions for at least a little while... three months... six months... a year...

I haven't seen xMM in a full year, and I believe I would slap him hard across the face if I saw him today.

You are better than me.

Please consider not actively being in the same space as this man, at least for a time. You need to heal.

[FMW]

Thanks BluesPower, I appreciate the support.

 

Hi Vivir, thanks for your response. I get what you're saying. I refuse to give up the Sunday tradition though. I have close musician friends and other friends there, it's a big part of the week for all of us. Plus the music is healing and sustaining for me. I'm not surrendering that just because he may occasionally show up.

 

I avoid anywhere else I know he is playing, even though sometimes that means missing other friends.

 

Seeing him Sunday increased the disgust quotient, so that's the one positive from the experience.

 

Just hoping the pain will soon just be a passing sensation. Yes three weeks is early on. I had never let go (deleting his contact information, getting rid of momentos, etc.) before.

[Vivir]

Well, Finding my way, like I said previously, you are better than me

 

You can build up a tolerance to seeing him (or them) together. It hurts, of course, but it is likely to help keep the fantasy out of your reality. Unfortunately, if you're not extremely diligent, as you know, it could be used to restart the affair, too.

 

I agree you shouldn't have to give up the jam sessions you love; they sound like a ton of fun!

[CKJD]

I left because during one of his push/pulls, I asked him what was the difference of being with me one week but not the next and he replied he was choosing to ignore what God wanted when he was with me. He'd always return, though.

Ugh. What an unbelievable clown this guy is. Love how he manipulates the situation so that he's some sort of troubled virtuous, victim. Just the worst.

Edited September 3, 2018 by CKJD

[FMW]

Just an update for anyone who might find it useful for their own experience.

 

Three months must be the magic time period, I've read others stories of contact suddenly after three months of NC.

 

For the first time in 3 months I saw MM at my normal music venue, he was filling in for one of the regular musicians. His wife was there to support him. I avoided looking at him as much as possible, had no contact whatsoever. It hurt a lot to see him with her, but I thought ok, this is just part of the process of healing and moving on.

 

About an hour after I left I started getting texts from a number I didn't have saved (I deleted his contact information) and it was clear it was him. He actually had the audacity to ask if he could come over. Really? Less than an hour earlier I'd seen him with her acting like the devoted happily married husband. Just gross and unbelievable. The texts continued, I finally turned my phone off and put it away for the night.

 

After 3 months of complete ghosting, now he wants to see me?

 

Just so gross.

[Maybelle]

Good for you for standing strong! I hope if I ever hear from mine again I am as strong as you!

[S2B]

Good for you!

 

Be strong knowing that you deserve so much better than this azzhat!

 

I'd hate to be his wife!!! How dispicable that he brought her - pretended to be the loving husband - then called you! He's disgusting!

 

Block his number now! That way he can't send you his lies anymore!

[FMW]

It's disturbing to actually see him acting that way with her and then to have him contact me as soon as he had time alone. For three years I never saw her and it was easy to believe she just didn't care, especially since she chose to not live with him for a few years.

 

Seeing the lies in action is really unsettling.

 

Oh, and I learned a new term that describes what he did - he "zombied" me. eHarmony had an article about it that included this: So what is zombieing? Well, in short, it’s where someone you previously dated (and very likely cared for) or were even in a relationship with, ghosted you, only to then resurface some time later, most likely in the form of some sort of social media interaction or an out of the blue text message. Usually the zombieing happens just when you’ve gotten over the hurt of having them ghost you in the first place. Then, all of a sudden, they subtly reappear (I say subtle – it can feel like a slap in the face!) causing more emotional upset.

 

Well nice to see that at 53 I can still be part of new trends

[ABernie]

Oh man, that must have been terribly difficult.

 

It's incredibly rude of him too!

[FMW]

Yes, it was difficult. I still love him, I still feel the pain of it every day. it's going to take a while to get over him. I knew I'd run into him again at some point and dreaded it because I knew it would hurt. But I never contemplated he'd reach out to me right after playing the good husband with her. Right in front of me.

 

That probably happened a lot during the last year we were together though, I realize that now, I just never saw them together and saw him in action playing that role.

 

I hope some OW here might read this and start to realize they really have NO idea what the MM's relationship is. You can't believe a word out of their mouths.

 

Unfortunately it seems to be a lesson we all have to learn on our own.

[Vivir]

It is unfortunate that I am not surprised...

 

The word "compartmentalize" jumps out at me here. Maybe he thought his wife had on some sort of invisibility cloak, borrowed from Harry Potter... and you didn't see her there with him..

 

And then he doesn't just text you, he asks if he can come over! WTF?!?!?! Reset button, much?

 

Finding My Way, I am just happy that you responded by turning off your phone and putting it away for the night. Unfortunately, those texts will still be there when you have turned the phone back on. So, stay strong!

 

(if you do happen to respond, you should wait for exactly the amount of time he did between the times he contacted you...)

 

On second thought, block --- delete.

[FMW]

I waited a day but then texted him that I hadn't been going to respond but I didn't want to feel any more awkward than I already do around him since he'll be there every Sunday for the next month and I'm not going to NOT go because of him.

 

I asked him why he sent the texts, why after 3 months of silence. I told him I wasn't angry (ok, maybe that was a fib) but just genuinely perplexed.

 

I don't think he'll respond, although I had actually wanted an answer to "Why?", what his thought process was (although he probably has no clue himself). I think he'll see my response as hostile and per his usual pattern just ignore. So be it.

 

But yes, asking if he could come over was just seriously wack.

 

Weirdly I feel sad for both he and his wife. He's damaged and never going to change and she's clearly determined to stick it out although she surely knows she can't trust him. They both seemed stressed but trying hard to be happy.

 

But it's their choice and their thing to deal with. I just need to deal with myself.

[elaine567]

He chanced his luck.

His ego told him you were still there pining for him and you would accept him with open arms and he could maybe pick up where he left off or at least have sex with you for old times sake...

 

He's not going to tell you that though, so if he senses hostility he may back off completely or he may lob a bit of bait in your direction to see if you will pick it up.

[InvisibleLady]

He thought he could just come over?! Wow!

 

Yes, I always noticed while in LC (post breakup) with my xmm if my reply was anything hostile or if I'd bring up something negative from the past because I wanted an explanation...I would get silence or something vague followed by silence. He doesn't want to explain himself to me, he has a wife who wants answers. My job was to stroke his ego. I resigned.

Edited October 30, 2018 by InvisibleLady

[FMW]

I sent one last text to clear my pent up thoughts - told him my feelings for him hadn't changed but what HAD changed was I wouldn't be anyone's dirty little secret, not even his. I told him he looked happy with his wife and clearly was walking the straight and narrow in front of her. (ok, that was maybe a bit snarky....)

 

I hit send and then deleted the text history so I would once again not have his number (even more than 3 years later I never had it memorized). I felt instantly better - getting to have my say, even if in a text.

 

Maybe it's because of his terminal cancer diagnosis, I'm not sure, but I have no problem ego-wise telling him I still love him. I just have to deal with that and move forward. I have zero temptation to have anything more to do with him as long as he's married. And he will remain married, I have no doubt.

 

So that should be that, I don't expect to get any more texts! I think I probably drove in the final nails to the affair coffin.

 

I'm not even anxious about seeing him (and her) for the next several Sundays. It might actual help me move past this more quickly, having to face it (their marriage, their connection) head on.

 

I'm sure some think I should have just ignored the texts completely, but responding actually gave me the opportunity to feel a little closure, get a few final things off my chest.

 

And thanks everyone for your thoughts! LS has been very helpful for me dealing with this.

[Dis]

Interesting thread

 

Usually I want to tear into the OW or OM but seeing your perspective in all this makes me feel for you somewhat

 

However, the person I feel most deeply for is the wife. Her husband is dying and while he's dying she's left knowing about all the As he's had and that he's probably still in one. She really got the s*** end of the stick.

 

Don't get me wrong, she chose to stick around despite the fact he's a serial cheater and that decision (a stupid one, IMO) is on her. I just still can't help but wonder how badly she's feeling. What will she feel when he's gone and she has mostly negative memories of him. What a grief process that will be.

 

Finding, I know you mentioned once or twice that you feel guilty about the A but considering you were cheated on in your marriage I wonder if you really know or care how badly you've hurt this woman.

 

I always thought as fellow women who have been cheated on by our partners that we'd have heart to never hurt another woman in the way we've been hurt

[FMW]

I do feel sad for his wife, as I said. It struck me how she looks at every woman in the room, including me although she has no idea who I am, and I'm sure is wondering if her husband has screwed them. I was one of many over the years. She's chosen to stay, even after she moved out for 2 1/2 years.

 

She absolutely has the s*** end of the stick. I get to walk away and have a chance for happiness elsewhere. But then again, she could do the same. I did in my marriage, even after 23 years.

 

Being involved with him was wrong, especially after I knew she moved back in last year. So I'm not excusing myself at all. And I certainly have never looked for sympathy, just help in getting things clear in my head so I can move forward.

 

As a former BW, I don't relate to her at all though, I don't feel any kinship with her as a fellow BW. She chooses to stay in a situation that has existed for almost their entire 28 year marriage apparently. The women my XH screwed around with didn't hurt me - him being a cheating bastard hurt me. They didn't come along and tempt him away - he was a willing participant and most likely the pursuer. Just like xMM.

 

My XH's infidelity was about him and about me and about our marriage, not about any of the women he was with.

 

As far as how a BW can then then be an OW, I've written about that before. Sometimes life can really bring us to our knees and we can become vulnerable to things we never imagined. No excuses, but I'm explaining since it was brought up.

Edited October 31, 2018 by Finding my way

[FMW]

I'm continuing to share my experience, it's helpful for me in working through it and maybe it will be a cautionary tale for others.

 

Seeing xMM and his wife together is going to be harder than I had anticipated. Part of the issue is as a musician he's front and center and I have to try and avoid making eye contact. I not only hurt from seeing him but from hearing how beautifully he plays and all the memories it evokes.

 

And then she's never far from him and has her eyes locked on to him, I'm guessing looking for any stray look he might cast toward some other woman.

 

What a disgusting situation!

 

Thankfully I deleted his texts from last week and my response so that I once again don't have access to his number. I was pathetically at a low point last night when I got home and really wanting to reach out. There's absolutely nothing to say, but I'm still jonesing for another "fix" of him. I actually tried to see if there was some way I could recover the deleted texts or contact information. What a nasty addiction.

 

I should skip the rest of the Sundays he'll be filling in, but it's my one constant and where I usually feel very at home with all my friends and the music. I thought maybe it would push me into getting over him faster. But I'm afraid it's just keeping the wounds open - as yes, I know, you all told me it would

 

I know he's bad news for me, I know if I allow myself to heal and get over him there will be someone else so much better for me. But breaking that addiction is really a bear.

[FMW]

So I'm sharing my humiliation. I feel really stupid.

 

Turns out that the woman that I have seen xMM with is NOT his wife but a woman who works at the cancer treatment center he goes to every other week and she has a lot of money apparently and is probably bankrolling his entertainment. I guess her money makes it worth the risk to be open in public. He's certainly acting like a good little boy in front of her and not talking to other women at all which stands out because musicians (especially him) usually "work the crowd" when they are on breaks.

 

Even worse, I found this out from one of xMM's former little friends he used to work with who continues following him around, it's written all over her face how hung up she is over him. He told me they were still friends, but he didn't tell me that apparently he told her all about me - and now she wants to share stories I guess. I was cordial but shut the conversation down.

 

So apparently this rich woman is the reason he ghosted me, not him wanting to be a good husband.

 

So it makes his text to me a few weeks ago even more disgusting. Apparently screwing around on his wife isn't enough, now he wants to screw around on his "girlfriend" too.

 

The whole situation is so disgusting and gross. And humiliating. And on top of all that I still feel the pain of "losing" him and probably will for a long time. Unbelievable.