Why do I feel like a cad and am I one?

[Versacehottie]

I can. Hmm...I have no plans for Saturday night and this girl that I do not find repulsive wants to make plans to get sushi and give me a BJ. Should I do that, or just sit around and play Playstation. I will take the sushi and BJ almost every time, as will most other red-blooded males.

 

Lol, fair enough. But the OP has shown a hint of introspection and there becomes a time where even the promise of sex and a BJ is not worth the headache this one is going to give him. She is not a stranger to him and they have mutual friends, AND he seems to have no problem getting OTHER fwbs so he should do that rather than let the life that surrounds him get messy. But yes, your point is taken--probably how he has gotten himself to this stage but maybe we can all agree that it's time to quit it...i mean, she's verging into bunny boiler territory. just saying.

[healing light]

I am not looking for sex from her but if I don't initiate, it's like she's waiting for me to make a move. For example, one night we got back to my place from an after party for a design show. It was late at night and I was tired so I just wanted to go to sleep. She kept tossing and turning and talking aloud so I tried ignoring her but she wouldn't keep still until I started fingering her. I thought that would put her to sleep but as soon as I finished, the tossing and turning started up again. So I did what I had to do and banged her to bed.

 

Lmao, this can't be real. So you ****ed her because you wouldn't be able to sleep otherwise? You banged her to get her to shut up? There was no other solution?

 

In the least, I think you need to tell her you're not interested in a relationship--not now or ever--with her. That you're cool with FWB or friends. Then, if she continues to stick around, you've at least put the disclaimer out there (though the truly decent thing to do would be to stop entirely, imo).

 

Right now she's operating under the assumption that you're having sex with a potential future, not that you had to finger bang her and then give her the D so she would (as Samuel Jackson would put it) go the **** to sleep.

[LilySun]

I do agree she carries half responsibility by knowing you sleep with other women and choosing to keep doing it with you.

But that doesn't change:

She feelings for you that go beyond sex. (crying is the big give away)

She is the one who initiates all dates (or whatever we are calling them)

You posted this because her wanting more concerns you. If you are concerned why aren't you doing something about it?

 

She will not just come out and say she wants to be exclusive. She is spending all this time with you hoping you will wake oneday and decide to be with only her. Even if you stop having sex, she will keep this hope in her mind based on all your common interests alone. She will let it drive her crazy to the core before she would break and say she wants to be exclusive. Because she is hoping you change your mind before she has to.

 

YOU need to clarify with her that there is no chance and no intention of a future. Because I can tell you, she is hoping for this no matter how many other girls you tell her about. Don't give her more time to hope and get attached, don't wait until she blows up. Tell her this asap so she can decide what to do from there. With this info she can figure out if she just wants friendship, keep it the same, or nothing at all. You basically need to lay those options out for her because she won't do it on her own. By not doing that you are being selfish and thinking of only yourself and not what it can do to her,and that is the part where you are responsible.

[Iseult]

Lmao, this can't be real. So you ****ed her because you wouldn't be able to sleep otherwise? You banged her to get her to shut up? There was no other solution?

 

In the least, I think you need to tell her you're not interested in a relationship--not now or ever--with her. That you're cool with FWB or friends. Then, if she continues to stick around, you've at least put the disclaimer out there (though the truly decent thing to do would be to stop entirely, imo).

 

Right now she's operating under the assumption that you're having sex with a potential future, not that you had to finger bang her and then give her the D so she would (as Samuel Jackson would put it) go the **** to sleep.

Ok, I loled

I didn't mean to paint myself a bodhisattva. It was just an example of her wanting some d-action. And that's just one example.

[Iseult]

I do agree she carries half responsibility by knowing you sleep with other women and choosing to keep doing it with you.

But that doesn't change:

She feelings for you that go beyond sex. (crying is the big give away)

She is the one who initiates all dates (or whatever we are calling them)

You posted this because her wanting more concerns you. If you are concerned why aren't you doing something about it?

 

She will not just come out and say she wants to be exclusive. She is spending all this time with you hoping you will wake oneday and decide to be with only her. Even if you stop having sex, she will keep this hope in her mind based on all your common interests alone. She will let it drive her crazy to the core before she would break and say she wants to be exclusive. Because she is hoping you change your mind before she has to.

 

YOU need to clarify with her that there is no chance and no intention of a future. Because I can tell you, she is hoping for this no matter how many other girls you tell her about. Don't give her more time to hope and get attached, don't wait until she blows up. Tell her this asap so she can decide what to do from there. With this info she can figure out if she just wants friendship, keep it the same, or nothing at all. You basically need to lay those options out for her because she won't do it on her own. By not doing that you are being selfish and thinking of only yourself and not what it can do to her,and that is the part where you are responsible.

I still can't believe people are saying tears from a girl equates love, but whatever. She is the one who initiates all our outings and calls/messages. I made this post because I had/have an inkling she wants exclusivity to me and my time and I'm not willing to do that. I want to let her down gently if/when the time comes. At the same time, I'd like to continue going to shows with her and talk about them because it's fun. Sex has nothing to do with this relationship for me so I will cut it out. Cutting her off completely is something more difficult...

[Iseult]

And one more thing, many posters are saying I need to sit her down and define our relationship. I don't/will not do that. That's not my job nor my responsibility. If she asks, I will be truthful as I have been so far. She is an adult and she can make her own decisions about what she does and doesn't want. I feel that some of you are patronizing and condescending of her as an individual.

Edited January 3, 2018 by Iseult
words

[LilySun]

It's not condescending her we are considering her feelings because you're not. If were you wouldn't let this continue. She isn't holding you hostage. There is no way to "let her down easy" and when it's convenient for YOU. She will be hurt no matter how or when you approach it.

And yes sir, girls do not cry over men they don't have strong feelings for.

[LoverOfDance]

You are going to date this girl eventually. I'm 90% sure of it. She will stick around until you finally cave. When you start dating her, please let us know so I can say I called it, lol.

 

I will never understand women like her though. A situation like this would absolutely destroy my self esteem. But she will stay until you finally open your eyes and see that she is amazing and probably even too good for you. it's all a matter of time.

[Versacehottie]

And one more thing, many posters are saying I need to sit her down and define our relationship. I don't/will not do that. That's not my job nor my responsibility. If she asks, I will be truthful as I have been so far. She is an adult and she can make her own decisions about what she does and doesn't want. I feel that some of you are patronizing and condescending of her as an individual.

 

This is the most immature, cowardly and caddish thing you have said on this thread. It's not your responsibility but it's not NOT your responsibility.

 

*Yes, you are both manipulating each other. It's not that hard to be the bigger person and put a stop to it. Can't really see what you are so scared of. Though if stopping hanging out with her is sufficient to convey your message that you are not into her like that, that's sufficient. But to keep going to shows etc with her is kinda selfish without letting some time pass whereas you are relatively sure she is truly just a friend at that point.

 

I definitely thinking she is fooling herself and may somewhat cognizant that her actions are going to lead nowhere (her choice 100%) but what you are doing is clouding the responsibility and the more you talk the more you are sounding like a cad (sorry I was mostly on your side until now).

[BaileyB]

Indeed, your behavior is immature, cowardly, and caddish. I hate to say it, but you are a boy, who thinks he is a man.

 

You are attempting to avoid this difficult conversation and the possible conflict that it will cause based on the false pretence that you are somehow doing it for her. You are deflecting attention from your own behavior by telling us that we are condescending, when the truth is that your behavior toward this young woman is frankly insulting and extremely hurtful. If you are truly being honest with yourself, you will acknowledge that you are avoiding this discussion for very selfish reasons.

 

You have a responsibility as a human being to be honest and kind to this young woman. Fail to accept this responsibility and you will be the worst kind of user.

 

Sorry, I was also trying to be on your side and hopeful that you had actually considered the advice offered. Apparently not.

Edited January 3, 2018 by BaileyB

[GemmaUK]

As long as OP would be happy for his sister, daughter, niece, mother being in the same position with a guy whom the OP knew where she was equally inexperienced, she had fallen for him and he knew the guy was very experienced and had no intention of dating her then there's not a lot more to be said here.

 

I'm not really quite sure why the OP asked the question though based upon that.

 

The OP knows he isn't bf material, so do the majority of the women he sees, no doubt most of the women he knows are aware of that too.

 

All is fair in love and war.

[Yosemite]

You are going to date this girl eventually. I'm 90% sure of it. She will stick around until you finally cave. When you start dating her, please let us know so I can say I called it, lol.

 

I will never understand women like her though. A situation like this would absolutely destroy my self esteem. But she will stay until you finally open your eyes and see that she is amazing and probably even too good for you. it's all a matter of time.

 

Haha! I totally agree! The OP will be singing that song: And I can't fight this feeling anymoooore. I've forgotten what I started fighting foooor. lol

 

Sounds like she's one of those women that will just hang around and hang around until one day an oops pregnancy happens and the guy decides to propose (for the sake of the child of course) and next thing he knows he's happily married with 3 kids and a house in the burbs. lmao.

[act00]

What the hell are you doing promoting or accepting any level of intimacy to the point you're sleeping in the same bed? If you weren't in the same bed, there would be no opportunity for sex, now would there? She was tossing and turning, turmoiled that you weren't having sex with her or cuddling, and she was hurt...she was hurt and confused. I have had this same pain because a boyfriend or husband has gone cold on me. I know exactly why she's having a hard time sleeping. She probably also silently wept or tried to hold back tears.

 

There is no consistency...it's confusing, and she cares so much, wants more, and then this act of going to bed together and rolling over and ignoring her hurts.

 

Yes, she is an adult and needs to walk away from this, but she has deep feelings for you, and these "dates" and acts of intimacy hurt and confuse her. Do you cuddle and flirt? like these other people who are "just friends" do? "Just friends" don't do that. Knowing her feelings for you, the solution would be to part ways to your own homes. Don't go home and sleep in the same bed. In a scenario where someone *has* to spend the night, put them up in a spare bed or on the sofa.

 

Draw a clear line on what friends do. You do not cuddle. You do not flirt or hold hands. You do not kiss or have sex. You do not look lovingly in her direction at dinner. You need a clear divide with her. I would say, no more one-on-ones, at least for awhile, and I don't care how bad you want a BJ...you state you are able to get it whenever by a lot of women, so go after them...the ones who aren't emotionally attached to you.

 

I'm just picturing some serious mixed signals here, which is why this young lady is having an even more difficult time with this and not seeing the forest for the trees.

[Iseult]

Haha! I totally agree! The OP will be singing that song: And I can't fight this feeling anymoooore. I've forgotten what I started fighting foooor. lol

 

Sounds like she's one of those women that will just hang around and hang around until one day an oops pregnancy happens and the guy decides to propose (for the sake of the child of course) and next thing he knows he's happily married with 3 kids and a house in the burbs. lmao.

Nah, I've been married twice before and I know I'm not cut out for that ****. I've learned my lesson

[lovephule]

Nah, I've been married twice before and I know I'm not cut out for that ****. I've learned my lesson

 

I was praying that you had youthful indiscretion on your side. This is terrible.

[Iseult]

I was praying that you had youthful indiscretion on your side. This is terrible.

Youthful indiscretion is what got me married

[gpete3008]

Definitely not a trivial post. Thanks for sharing this. I'd say you got yourself into quite a quandary. The truth is you are leading her on. In your mind, you are free to see other girls. It appears to be different in her's. The more you lead her on, the harder it will be on her...and on you too. You really owe it to her and to yourself to have that hard talk with her so that everything is up front. If she accepts the fact that your feelings for her are not as strong as hers are for you, then that's great. If her perception is different, then at least you let her know what reality actually is. Then, from there, she can decide whether to move on or not. A word of caution...having a physical relationship with someone who you don't plan to spend the rest of your life with carries with it tremendous risk. You might want to rethink that aspect in this relationship. Have a happy New Year.

[purrrfectlyflawed]

Things are clearly getting complicated now. Just stop seeing her. You know she wants more. You don’t want to give it to her.

 

You are a cad for asking this other girl over right in front of the girl you were also seeing. Not cool

[Lamartine]

I agree that you should stop sleeping with her. She is clearly more invested than you are, and sleeping with her will only encourage her to believe that there is more to your relationship with her than you are willing to give.

 

I think you need to have a very frank discussion with her. Are you sure that she is not someone you'd like to have as a girlfriend? If so, then you should tell her that in no uncertain terms. Then you should make sure that your actions reinforce your words. Don't hang out with her alone for now. Don't go on anything that could be considered a date, and definitely don't have any intimate contact with her. If you want to hang out with her as a friend, do so in a group. In a little while, once she processes her feelings, you might be able to see her one on one in a friend context again.

 

Be fair to her and let her find someone who could fulfill her needs: be air to yourself and don't waste time with someone you don't see as a potential girlfriend.

 

You're not a cad. These situations are difficult, and we've all been there. Just clarify your feelings to yourself and to her, and make sure you don't lead her to believe she can expect more than is realistic.

 

Good luck!

[BaileyB]

Nah, I've been married twice before and I know I'm not cut out for that ****. I've learned my lesson

 

Perhaps the better question is what does this woman see in you? Why is she interested in a twice divorced man who doesn't even have the decency not to flaunt the fact that he's having sex with other women in front of her?

 

This woman needs to wise up!

[basil67]

Perhaps the better question is what does this woman see in you? Why is she interested in a twice divorced man who doesn't even have the decency not to flaunt the fact that he's having sex with other women in front of her?

 

This woman needs to wise up!

 

My bet is low self esteem on her part.

[Iseult]

Definitely not a trivial post. Thanks for sharing this. I'd say you got yourself into quite a quandary. The truth is you are leading her on. In your mind, you are free to see other girls. It appears to be different in her's. The more you lead her on, the harder it will be on her...and on you too. You really owe it to her and to yourself to have that hard talk with her so that everything is up front. If she accepts the fact that your feelings for her are not as strong as hers are for you, then that's great. If her perception is different, then at least you let her know what reality actually is. Then, from there, she can decide whether to move on or not. A word of caution...having a physical relationship with someone who you don't plan to spend the rest of your life with carries with it tremendous risk. You might want to rethink that aspect in this relationship. Have a happy New Year.

First of all, I am not leading her on. Of course I am free to see other girls and she knows that I do. Her friend is one of my sex partners.

Second of all, I do not define relationships. I'm not that presumptuous. If she wants clarity, she is free to ask.

Third of all,

having a physical relationship with someone who you don't plan to spend the rest of your life with carries with it tremendous risk.

Are you Victorian?

[Iseult]

You are a cad for asking this other girl over right in front of the girl you were also seeing. Not cool

You are now writing your own scenario.

[Iseult]

Why is she interested in a twice divorced man who doesn't even have the decency not to flaunt the fact that he's having sex with other women in front of her?

I do not flaunt.

[Iseult]

I was hesitant at first to start this thread as a grown man asking internet strangers for relationship advice, but I’m glad I did because it’s given me a lot to think about. Women can take care of themselves and normally I wouldn’t bother, but this girl is different from the usual girls I surround myself with in that she’s quiet and passive and I want to make sure her thoughts are considered.

 

So here’s what I’m going to.

1. No more sex with her. I understand it can cloud a woman’s judgement so I will stop.

2. Gradually cut the number of 1-on-1 outings we have together. This is more difficult because I enjoy our outings and I don’t want her to think I’m doing the slow fade but to mitigate this, I will keep our outings to group activities. I’ve already promised her dinner next week so that will be the last.

 

BTW, I realized that this forum has a general relationship section and I probably should have posted this there because I don’t think this is a dating-related issue. But then you’ll have people debating what constitutes a “date” and that’s a whole other thread I’m not interested in participating in.