BaileyB Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 I agree that the slow fade will be just as hurtful as telling her the truth. It's the easy way out, for OP. It will be confusing and hurtful to this young lady. In your mind, you may not have been "dating" this young woman... But, you have been having sex with her. That means something to this young woman, different than what it means to you. You should be clear and honest with her and to tell her that you do not see "this" developing into a relationship in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 Sex is not a major dynamic of this relationship and to be honest, she’s not very good at it. It’s just something we do when it’s convenient. We have similar interests in the arts so we go to shows and exhibitions, have dinner and then sometimes sex. I like this arrangement and I hope she’s happy with it as well. If she wants something more, I will say thank you and sorry, but no. Get this arrangement with someone who doesn't want a relationship with you; not this girl. You should have taken the other girl back home that night so this girl would be on her way to getting over you by now. Hanging out with this girl is leading her on. Tell her you don't want a relationship and let her go on to find a guy that is interested. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 Why is the responsibility his alone? He has been honest with this girl, never promised her anything, and she still wants to hook up with him. She is an adult and fully capable of being responsible for her own actions. I agree with this also. Women have got to take responsibility for their own heart break. When a man tells her he doesn't want a relationship and she wants one it is up to her to move it along. Not continue to hang out with the guy and have sex. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iseult Posted January 2, 2018 Author Share Posted January 2, 2018 Thanks to everyone who's weighed in. It seems like the majority opinion is that I am a cad and l won't argue with that. Someone mentioned that the reason I posted this was because I was feeling conflicted and that's true. Girls I usually go out with are strong, confident, assertive and they know what they're getting when they go out with me. But this girl is comparatively passive and quiet and seems inexperienced with adult relationships. The last thing I want to do is to hurt her and make her distrustful of men, hence this post. Alot of people seem to think that not having sex with her is the solution, and while I don't agree with this, I can do that. I want to make clear that I'm not with her for the sex. I don't want to sound crass but I get plenty, at a much higher quality than what she offers. I go out with her because of shared interests and our conversations are fun. That's all. Link to post Share on other sites
caveman621 Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 IMHO, by her behavior she DEFINITELY wants to be exclusive and have a relationship. You've been told that by a couple of prior responders and slough it off. But that's what's going on. It's your choice. But, I think you need to make a clean break, or say you are going to shows buddies and that's it, no sex, or make it a relationship. Even if she says she's OK with being going to shows buddies with the occasional sex, she isn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 Thanks to everyone who's weighed in. It seems like the majority opinion is that I am a cad and l won't argue with that. Someone mentioned that the reason I posted this was because I was feeling conflicted and that's true. Girls I usually go out with are strong, confident, assertive and they know what they're getting when they go out with me. But this girl is comparatively passive and quiet and seems inexperienced with adult relationships. The last thing I want to do is to hurt her and make her distrustful of men, hence this post. Alot of people seem to think that not having sex with her is the solution, and while I don't agree with this, I can do that. I want to make clear that I'm not with her for the sex. I don't want to sound crass but I get plenty, at a much higher quality than what she offers. I go out with her because of shared interests and our conversations are fun. That's all. You need to tell her this or just stop seeing her. You aren't doing her any favors by hanging out with her knowing she's in love with you. If you don't want her to think that all men are distrustful, leave her alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iseult Posted January 2, 2018 Author Share Posted January 2, 2018 She is in love with him and every time he accepts her invitation and they have sex she thinks she is winning him round. BUT he is just using her. He knows she is besotted, he knows he can get sex and he knows she will always turn up at the snap of his finger. I think FWB is a OK arrangement as long as both are cool with it being casual and no feelings get involved, but this girl has feelings and so he needs to let her know the score asap and stop using her for sex and filling in his spare time. He has not been upfront, he has not said "This is casual, we are not exclusive", he continues hanging out with and sleeping with her and to someone in love it just shows her that he cares for her. It is definitely caddish to lead this girl on for months and then on NYE casually invite some other girl home with him, that was appalling behaviour. Women are actual human beings with hopes, dreams and feelings, sometimes in their quest for sex, some men forget that fact. I am not using her unless you to think enjoying each other's company is using people. She knows I have sex with other girls because I've told her and one of them is her friend (the ex who originally introduced me to her). I have to think she's ok with this arrangement because she still continues to ask me out. I am not going to start a conversation about "what are we?" I don't do that and that's not my responsibility. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 OP, you know this isn't right, stop being a coward. Take responsibility and stop sleeping with her. Lack of responsibility is such an unattractive trait in a man, it's one of the traits of a man-child. Most grown women don't want to date toddlers. It seems that she was acting like a toddler also by standing there crying over a guy who was clear he didn't want a relationship with her. Grown women have to take responsibility as well and not leave it up to strange men to guard their hearts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
some_username1 Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 One rule for a man and another for a woman it seems, I've seen threads where its high 5's all round and heavy playing of the 'Na na na na naaaaaaah, no exclusivity LOL.' card when it is a woman keeping her options open. Don't listen to the sisterhood OP- If she wants exclusivity and she isn't asking for it that is all on her. You aren't responsible for her choices and your gender doesn't make you accountable either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 I am not going to start a conversation about "what are we?" I don't do that and that's not my responsibility. It is your responsibility as a decent human being to not take advantage of a quiet, passive, inexperienced girl just because you can and because she is in love with you. You ARE a user I am afraid. YOU are no doubt using your ex too, who is probably in the same position as this girl is. YOU just do not want to say anything that will upset you're very cosy little arrangements. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 This never happened to me, as I was very aware of how things work and what’s in my best interest but yes you are a cad. The fact that she bears responsibility for being stupid and allowing to be treated this way doesn’t make you less of a cad. If you want to be an upstanding man stop seeing her and stop rationalzing away your behavior on the account of her stupidity. That’s classic victim blaming , which excuses nothing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
some_username1 Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 It is your responsibility as a decent human being to not take advantage of a quiet, passive, inexperienced girl just because you can and because she is in love with you. You ARE a user I am afraid. YOU are no doubt using your ex too, who is probably in the same position as this girl is. YOU just do not want to say anything that will upset you're very cosy little arrangements. You are insulting both her intelligence and ours by claiming she has no agency in all this. She sounds old enough to drink, drive and vote but yet she is not old enough to be responsible for her choices? Get outta here... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 You are insulting both her intelligence and ours by claiming she has no agency in all this. She sounds old enough to drink, drive and vote but yet she is not old enough to be responsible for her choices? Get outta here... He already said she was quiet, passive and inexperienced in adult relationships, so HE knows he is taking advantage of her. It is perfectly possible to take advantage of less competent, inexperienced, quiet and passive individuals whatever their age or intelligence level. People with morals and a thread of decency running through them, tend to avoid doing that if at all possible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iseult Posted January 2, 2018 Author Share Posted January 2, 2018 If she wants exclusivity and she isn't asking for it that is all on her. You aren't responsible for her choices and your gender doesn't make you accountable either. I agree. She is an adult and is she is free to make her own decisions based on the truths I present to her, just as I am free to make my own. I am not going to condescend to know what's best for her. Link to post Share on other sites
some_username1 Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 He already said she was quiet, passive and inexperienced in adult relationships, so HE knows he is taking advantage of her. It is perfectly possible to take advantage of less competent, inexperienced, quiet and passive individuals whatever their age or intelligence level. People with morals and a thread of decency running through them, tend to avoid doing that if at all possible. Then it will be a good learning experience for her. Everyone gets their heart broken at some point- it is part of life. As long as OP is not over promising then by the letter of the law he is not doing anything wrong- women get this advice all the time and I don't see why being a man makes it so different. Link to post Share on other sites
LoverOfDance Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 @some username1 - No one said she wasn't responsible for her choices. Don't put words into peoples' mouths. We are simply making the OP aware that he too still has responsibilities in this situation that he shouldn't ignore regardless of what the girl is doing. This girl is pretty much willingly walking right in front of a speeding bus. Yes she is an adult, she is not blind and she should know better but that doesn't mean you should just stand there and watch her hurt herself. We are simply asking the OP to push her out of the way before she breaks an arm or in this case, a heart. It is the HUMAN thing to do. Please do the right thing OP, don't just stand there and watch. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iseult Posted January 2, 2018 Author Share Posted January 2, 2018 It is your responsibility as a decent human being to not take advantage of a quiet, passive, inexperienced girl just because you can and because she is in love with you. You ARE a user I am afraid. YOU are no doubt using your ex too, who is probably in the same position as this girl is. YOU just do not want to say anything that will upset you're very cosy little arrangements. I don't see how I'm taking advantage of her. As someone mentioned, I think you are belittling her intelligence and rejecting her choices as an individual. She's passive, not stupid. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lovephule Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 I think the gal in question needs this experience to know that she is not built for casual with someone she likes. That visceral anguish she feels is going to help prevent her from making this mistake again far better than, say, her friends consoling/scolding her that "she can do better." OP you say she's not that great in bed. In your estimation do you think you're any good for her? Do you primarily concern yourself with your own pleasure? This is my own curiosity, not related to how you should handle this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iseult Posted January 2, 2018 Author Share Posted January 2, 2018 For the record, I will stop having sex with her. That was never the motivation to be with her. I keep saying this but our shared interests is what makes this relationship fun for me. Sex is just the cherry on top. I don't need it from her nor do I seek it out. It just happens. She sent me a text today asking me if I was free this week to visit a new sushi restaurant. I told her no because I honestly had other plans. Then she asked me when I would be free. Looks like I'm going for sushi next Friday with her... Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 For the record, I will stop having sex with her. That was never the motivation to be with her. I keep saying this but our shared interests is what makes this relationship fun for me. Sex is just the cherry on top. I don't need it from her nor do I seek it out. It just happens. She sent me a text today asking me if I was free this week to visit a new sushi restaurant. I told her no because I honestly had other plans. Then she asked me when I would be free. Looks like I'm going for sushi next Friday with her... Why? Just tell her you're busy or tell the truth. Stop leading this girl on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iseult Posted January 2, 2018 Author Share Posted January 2, 2018 OP you say she's not that great in bed. In your estimation do you think you're any good for her? Do you primarily concern yourself with your own pleasure? This is my own curiosity, not related to how you should handle this. I am not a selfish lover and I try to make sure that my partner is sexually satisfied whenever possible. The reason I said she was bad in bed is because she's passive and takes no initiation. She lets me do whatever I want but I like an equal and enthusiastic partner, not a sex doll. She won't even give me bj on her own volition, but if I stick my dick down her throat she gobbles it up and then some. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iseult Posted January 2, 2018 Author Share Posted January 2, 2018 Why? Just tell her you're busy or tell the truth. Stop leading this girl on. I did tell her the truth! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 (edited) I am not a selfish lover and I try to make sure that my partner is sexually satisfied whenever possible. The reason I said she was bad in bed is because she's passive and takes no initiation. She lets me do whatever I want but I like an equal and enthusiastic partner, not a sex doll. She won't even give me bj on her own volition, but if I stick my dick down her throat she gobbles it up and then some. Ugh. I just can't help but feel a little sick to my stomach to listen to you talk about this girl. You have used her for your own selfish purpose. Sure, she is a grown adult who is capable of making her own choices... But, you have known that this is nothing more/will be nothing more than a friendship and yet you have still taken advantage of the fact that she was infatuated with you for sex. You certainly have a healthy opinion of yourself, but there is nothing to respect about what you have done. I hope this girl comes to her senses soon. I hope that she gains the wisdom to see you, and this situation, for what it is. Edited January 2, 2018 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 (edited) For the record, I will stop having sex with her. That was never the motivation to be with her. I keep saying this but our shared interests is what makes this relationship fun for me. Sex is just the cherry on top. I don't need it from her nor do I seek it out. It just happens. She sent me a text today asking me if I was free this week to visit a new sushi restaurant. I told her no because I honestly had other plans. Then she asked me when I would be free. Looks like I'm going for sushi next Friday with her... What, like you have no say in the decision? Are you so weak and passive that you have to go out with her... don't even try to explain to us how you couldn't resist the offer of sex... Come on. Tell her the truth - that you are friends. And stop sleeping with this woman because to her, that is leading her on... Edited January 2, 2018 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 I did tell her the truth! No the truth would be "I will not go get sushi with you because I know you want more than a friendship. I feel my association with you is leading you on and I don't want to do that. I feel it is best that we stop hanging out." I'm starting to wonder if you are more the passive one. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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