Author Iseult Posted January 2, 2018 Author Share Posted January 2, 2018 No the truth would be "I will not go get sushi with you because I know you want more than a friendship. I feel my association with you is leading you on and I don't want to do that. I feel it is best that we stop hanging out." I'm starting to wonder if you are more the passive one. Wait, I can't go out with her now? Not having sex is not enough? I don't think you're giving this girl enough credit. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 aww i dont get why this is even a quesh. You made her cry =( i don't understand why its so hard for you to get your d wet somewhere else if you need it so bad. Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 Wait, I can't go out with her now? Not having sex is not enough? I don't think you're giving this girl enough credit. What I don't understand is: If that person is not girlfriend material for you, why don't you stop wasting your and her time and find somebody who is? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 (edited) Wait, I can't go out with her now? Not having sex is not enough? I don't think you're giving this girl enough credit. You are leading her on... Unless you give her the "we are only ever going to be friends speech" and stop having sex with her, you are leading her on... It may not feel like it to you. But, trust us, when this girl has feelings for you and she has sex with you, she is more than likely thinking... If I hang in long enough, he may tell me that he wants more and/or change his mind. Sex, for many women, is a game changer. You may think it's just a bj, but to her... it probably means so much more... as evidenced, by the tears when she learned you were going home with someone else. And yes, why are you wasting your time and her time, "dating" a woman with whom you don't want to have an actual relationship? It makes no sense... As does your statement that the sex was bad. I suppose, bad sex is better than no sex? Edited January 2, 2018 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iseult Posted January 2, 2018 Author Share Posted January 2, 2018 What I don't understand is: If that person is not girlfriend material for you, why don't you stop wasting your and her time and find somebody who is? I'm not looking for a "girlfriend". I have plenty of girls I can hang out with and each are cool in their own way, including this girl in question. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 (edited) yes but we've established she likes as more than a friend to hang out with to the point she crie.d get a BJ from one of those Edited January 2, 2018 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 I'm not looking for a "girlfriend". I have plenty of girls I can hang out with and each are cool in their own way, including this girl in question. Then why do you spend time with her? Is it that much fun to watch her despair being unable to get what she wants? She obviously wants more than hang out with you. Does your ego really need this? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rightondude Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 It may not feel like it to you. But, trust us, when this girl has feelings for you and she has sex with you, she is more than likely thinking... If I hang in long enough, he may tell me that he wants more and/or change his mind. this is not exclusively a man/woman situation. This right here is the thinking of every guy who has been "friend zoned" So OP, have you ever been "friend zoned?" this is what you're doing to this chick. If it's ever happened to you, remember how that felt? If it's never happened to you, that's awesome brother. I myself don't think it's your responsibility to do anything for another grown adult. I would rather not hurt anyone else myself but lord knows I have ghosted, lied about why I wasn't into a person, etc in order to NOT have a difficult talk with them. I think as long as you're being as open as possible and not lying (i.e. if SHE ASKS "what are we?" and you tell her honestly) then you really have done nothing wrong other than being aloof. You've certainly done nothing worse than the thoughtless cad who ghosts, lies, or cheats. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 I saw a friend cry in exact same circumstance and it's a terrible thing. When people like someone a lot sometimes they aren't able to reason to get out a situation that isn't good for them. You are the more detached party here so you should be the one to end it in good conscience. You clearly innately feel it is wrong, but you want BJs so bad that you're willing to put both of you through this suffering. I have been in the circumstance too when I could have taken advantage of a guy who liked me when I didn't reciprocate, friend zoned him and had a day, but it felt too wrong. Don't stoop there. Don't be beta 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iseult Posted January 2, 2018 Author Share Posted January 2, 2018 You are leading her on... Unless you give her the "we are only ever going to be friends speech" and stop having sex with her, you are leading her on... It may not feel like it to you. But, trust us, when this girl has feelings for you and she has sex with you, she is more than likely thinking... If I hang in long enough, he may tell me that he wants more and/or change his mind. Sex, for many women, is a game changer. You may think it's just a bj, but to her... it probably means so much more... as evidenced, by the tears when she learned you were going home with someone else. And yes, why are you wasting your time and her time, "dating" a woman with whom you don't want to have an actual relationship? It makes no sense... As does your statement that the sex was bad. I suppose, bad sex is better than no sex? I understand what you and the others are saying. I'm old enough to know sex has different meanings to men and women. So I will stop having sex with her and enjoy her company for what it is, which is all I ever wanted when I got to know her. I am not "dating" her. We go out to watch plays, musicals, exhibitions, etc. Sometimes just the two of us, other times with other friends. We are friends. And for the last time, I am not using her for sex. I couldn't care less if we never had sex again. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 That's not the point though. We are saying she clearly likes you romantically. You are now friend-zoning her. That is just as bad! She is not happy with this situation. How about her feelings Also, also building your ego this way may feel good temporarily but it will be temporary. It's not sustainable and it is not a happy, healthy way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 I understand what you and the others are saying. I'm old enough to know sex has different meanings to men and women. So I will stop having sex with her and enjoy her company for what it is, which is all I ever wanted when I got to know her. I am not "dating" her. We go out to watch plays, musicals, exhibitions, etc. Sometimes just the two of us, other times with other friends. We are friends. I hear you, and it does seem like you are hearing what we are saying. But, can you appreciate that she may have a very different perspective than you. YOU know that you are friends, who go out to plays, musicals, etc... In your mind, you are very clear on that! But, because you have never said the word to her and because she has had your d in her mouth, SHE may still be holding out hope that the invitation to go to the play together means more than it really does. Just, be careful here... What you are doing could be very hurtful to her. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 I understand what you and the others are saying. I'm old enough to know sex has different meanings to men and women. So I will stop having sex with her and enjoy her company for what it is, which is all I ever wanted when I got to know her. I am not "dating" her. We go out to watch plays, musicals, exhibitions, etc. Sometimes just the two of us, other times with other friends. We are friends. And for the last time, I am not using her for sex. I couldn't care less if we never had sex again. You still don't get it. She loves you, she cannot be your friend. It will carve her up inside every time you go to the movies, go to a show, spend time hanging about one on one as she wants more from you than just friendship. She is putting up with your bad behaviour just now, because she thinks she is in with a chance. On NYE she obviously thought you were an item You need to distance yourself completely, put her out of her misery. That is why it is always a bad idea to sleep with friends as once it is over they often hate you or if they don't actually hate you they do not want to be anywhere near you as it hurts too much. Unrequited love is pure hell. Try it sometime. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 (edited) Just for fun, let me share a story... When I first met my current boyfriend, he had been separated for over two years. We dated for a few months but when it became time to become more serious, he told me that he had decided that he was not quite ready for a serious relationship. He told me that he relly enjoyed spending time wih me, and he would like to continue to see me... to go to movies and concerts, etc - as friends. But, he would understand and respect my decision if I was not comfortable with that. I had wanted more and I was disappointed by his decision. But, I respected his decision and his honesty. I told him that as much as I also enjoyed his company and wanted to remain "friends," I was not interested in spending time, for lack of a better word "dating" him, when I could be spending my time with others who shared a similar goal - to find a long term partner. I had more self respect than to wait around and hope tht he would change his mind... And, I knew that it would hurt too much to be his "friend" and "movie companion." Unrequited love is hell. Over a year later, he sent me an email telling me that he continued to think of me all the time and asking if I was free for coffee... we have been dating ever since. Now this, is what a man does who has the best interest of the woman as a priority. Sure, she can always make the decision to continue to see you, or even have sex with you... But least then, its an informed decision. Edited January 2, 2018 by BaileyB 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iseult Posted January 2, 2018 Author Share Posted January 2, 2018 She loves you, she cannot be your friend. Where did this come from!? Link to post Share on other sites
contel3 Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 There is one thing bothering me about your post. You say she's not good in bed. Yet you continue having sex with her. You say you get better sex all the time. But it's convenient for you when she basically "throws herself at you". You know you're hurting her, but you don't really care.....honestly, I'd understand if the sex was good. I don't really care whether you're leading her on, but your "the sex isn't even that good" attitude is quite disgusting. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 Where did this come from!? Girls don't cry over guys they don't love! You just refuse to get it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 Where did this come from!? Why do you think she was crying her eyes out when you were going to take home some other girl, a speck of dust in her eye maybe??? Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 Pack up, people. This is a proponent of dread game(apparent from another thread) and perhaps that tactic didn't pick up what they liked here because it usually only picks what others don't like(weak willed, insecure,and/or and unstable) I wash my hands of this. Some of us can only learn the hard way. But hope whatever you choose is for the best of you both. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 Didn't read all the replies so I'm kinda sure this has been said but here it goes: You are doing the wrong thing mainly because each time she sees you she thinks there is a chance you would date her as a girlfriend, yet you already "know" that's never going to happen for you. People can be ok that multi-dating is happening yet believe they are being fairly considered. You have actually already come to the conclusion that it will never be that way for you guys so you are leading her on. So yes, a bit caddish. I think even changing your NYE thing around to accommodate her gives a really wrong message. She will anew think she has a chance when she really doesn't. While I don't think it was that cool to throw hooking up with other girls in her face, you cannot skirt the issue any longer, you just don't see her as long term material. It doesn't matter exclusivity or not--because you know you will never give it to her because you don't see her as gf material for you. So to keep seeing her in any way is selfish of you. (i do realize that switching around your NYE seems nice but it's hurtful in the long run as well-intentioned as you may have meant it.). Let her down nicely but make it clear that it's a final decision. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
MaleIntuition Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 Let’s talk about the very strange definition of “adult” relationship that has been used some in this thread. I fail to see how selfish behaviour and arguing about technicalities has anything to do with adultness? I believe, however, such traits are fairly common among children. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iseult Posted January 2, 2018 Author Share Posted January 2, 2018 There is one thing bothering me about your post. You say she's not good in bed. Yet you continue having sex with her. You say you get better sex all the time. But it's convenient for you when she basically "throws herself at you". You know you're hurting her, but you don't really care.....honestly, I'd understand if the sex was good. I don't really care whether you're leading her on, but your "the sex isn't even that good" attitude is quite disgusting. I've had sex with her maybe a handful of times, and she's never "thrown herself on me". I've always initiated. I am not looking for sex from her but if I don't initiate, it's like she's waiting for me to make a move. For example, one night we got back to my place from an after party for a design show. It was late at night and I was tired so I just wanted to go to sleep. She kept tossing and turning and talking aloud so I tried ignoring her but she wouldn't keep still until I started fingering her. I thought that would put her to sleep but as soon as I finished, the tossing and turning started up again. So I did what I had to do and banged her to bed. Sex with her is not bad but it definitely not good. I'm not sure why you think my attitude is "disgusting". Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 These types of threads are hilaaaaaarious. Women somehow became incapable of being responsible for their own actions, and it is all up to a man to take care of their fragile hearts. BS. The OP never said he lied to her. He never made her any promises that they would be exclusive, get married, or live together happily ever after. All he does is occasionally agree to hang out with a girl that keeps asking him out. If they have sex, well, it takes two to tango, does it not? She is deciding to spend time with this guy, and evidently gobbles his penis up without any of those aforementioned promises of true love. If her heart requires exclusivity, love, or marriage before sex is appropriate, that decision is hers to make. If she doesn't want to keep hanging out with a guy that is only mildly interested in her at best, that is her decision to make. And now especially, since the OP let her know he chooses to spend time with other ladies, she should know exactly where she stands with him. Yet, she still calls on him to get sushi with her. If the OP had lied to hook up with this girl, I would happily pick up a pitchfork and torch and march alongside y'all in condemnation of the OP. He didn't so I won't. The lesson here is; if you ladies expect something in return for having sex with a guy, maybe you should be honest about what it is you want prior to having sex. This is just the male version of the friendzone. The friendswithbenefitszone, if you will I would agree with this (bolded above)^^^. The real deal though is that in order to answer the OP's question about being a cad (or a decent person) for his own personal standards of who he wants to be and treat others, he should stop. And yes this girl throwing herself at him is doing stupid, foolish things but that doesn't mean he has to or should take her up on them. I can't even think of a compelling reason to. It's 2018 OP should raise his standards for himself of who he wants to be. Link to post Share on other sites
MaleIntuition Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 I can. Hmm...I have no plans for Saturday night and this girl that I do not find repulsive wants to make plans to get sushi and give me a BJ. Should I do that, or just sit around and play Playstation. I will take the sushi and BJ almost every time, as will most other red-blooded males. Get some real friends instead. The whole arrangement is based on a lie as long as he is pretending that there is a possibility for a long term relationship. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 I can. Hmm...I have no plans for Saturday night and this girl that I do not find repulsive wants to make plans to get sushi and give me a BJ. Should I do that, or just sit around and play Playstation. I will take the sushi and BJ almost every time, as will most other red-blooded males. From my experience life becomes a whole lot less complicated once you are clear about who not to have sex with. It further raises the bar on the type of sex you are having. Once you pass on opportunities to have sex you will also experience a sensation of freedom, as you realize you want something because it is good for you, not because an urge forces you to have it. Link to post Share on other sites
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