Author 8Bay8 Posted December 16, 2017 Author Share Posted December 16, 2017 If she has sensed that you're not as invested, then as much as this sucks, it's not going to be as big a shock. In this case, there is more reason to end it sooner. Ah. I see what you mean now. Thank you for clarifying. Well, I guess I hope that is somewhat truse in the sense of it being less out of the blue. She is a smart girl. So this is possible. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted December 16, 2017 Share Posted December 16, 2017 He sounds very confusing and I am firnly against cheating. Again, I am sorry that happened because that is as heart hurting as it is confusing. We have not been sleeping together since I realized this recently. Her work schedule made that something hard to time before. So that part at least is not a factor in what is already a full plate of not greatness. I knwo how hard it is to break it off with someone who loves you i have been a dumper too.i have let guys go more than i have been let go......and sometimes they get angry i prefer them to get angry with me actually....i cant stand it when i make people cry or hurt them badly....when i see or hear anger..then i know i certainly did the right thing when they show cruelty......if people get hurt by me i feel cruel and it hurts me double.... but in saying that..however hard it is however much it hurts you to do ....you have to let her go.....its kinder ...dont expect friendship if it happens it will probably take time........i deal with breaking up as soon as i know that it isnt working...because its honest.....and i cant mess with anyones time......we have so little.....deb. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 8Bay8 Posted December 16, 2017 Author Share Posted December 16, 2017 Ok. So the majority states to do it before the holidays with very valid points. The minority, while your points are also very good, to do it after seems overwhelmingly out voted. We decided I would not bring up the hope for friendship because it comes across condescending instead of how it would have been intended and that makes sense. I don't bring up the gifts because that also does not come across as intended. I am a female breaking up with a female and I am therefore not a man. She is a perfectly fine human being that does not deserve for me to search for bad things to say about her in order to explain why I am just regretfully not in love with her. I think this covers the summary thus far... Other perspectives are still welcome even if they are pro minority. They could still be helpful in knowing what did and did not bode well for others in their life experiences. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted December 16, 2017 Share Posted December 16, 2017 Ok. So the majority states to do it before the holidays with very valid points. The minority, while your points are also very good, to do it after seems overwhelmingly out voted. We decided I would not bring up the hope for friendship because it comes across condescending instead of how it would have been intended and that makes sense. I don't bring up the gifts because that also does not come across as intended. I am a female breaking up with a female and I am therefore not a man. She is a perfectly fine human being that does not deserve for me to search for bad things to say about her in order to explain why I am just regretfully not in love with her. I think this covers the summary thus far... Other perspectives are still welcome even if they are pro minority. They could still be helpful in knowing what did and did not bode well for others in their life experiences. just follow your heart, imagine you are breaking up with yourself(what you would appreciate and how you appreciate being treated)...be gentle... and you will know what's right to do by someone else......i wish you well...deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted December 16, 2017 Share Posted December 16, 2017 Ok. So the majority states to do it before the holidays with very valid points. The minority, while your points are also very good, to do it after seems overwhelmingly out voted. We decided I would not bring up the hope for friendship because it comes across condescending instead of how it would have been intended and that makes sense. I don't bring up the gifts because that also does not come across as intended. I am a female breaking up with a female and I am therefore not a man. She is a perfectly fine human being that does not deserve for me to search for bad things to say about her in order to explain why I am just regretfully not in love with her. I think this covers the summary thus far... Other perspectives are still welcome even if they are pro minority. They could still be helpful in knowing what did and did not bode well for others in their life experiences. OMG!!! Please tell me that you're not making a decision based on the number of yay-nay responses in a LS thread! That's less valid than ennie-meanin-miney-mo. Use these responses to inform your reasoning, but make the decision independently, based on what your instincts and conscience are telling you would be the right thing to do. To summarize my perspective, it comes down to whether or not you could postpone a decision and spend the next month (or whatever) genuinely enjoying being together... authentically. If you'd have to fake it, then no. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 8Bay8 Posted December 16, 2017 Author Share Posted December 16, 2017 OMG!!! Please tell me that you're not making a decision based on the number of yay-nay responses in a LS thread! That's less valid than ennie-meanin-miney-mo. Use these responses to inform your reasoning, but make the decision independently, based on what your instincts and conscience are telling you would be the right thing to do. To summarize my perspective, it comes down to whether or not you could postpone a decision and spend the next month (or whatever) genuinely enjoying being together... authentically. If you'd have to fake it, then no. Hahaha! Gosh no. Not literally. In fact, my favorite action mentioned that I am going with tries to combine the idea of the two alternatives with giving her the power of the choices. There is still a lot of tweaking to how I need to say it. That is also why I still want to hear more perspectives of people who could help it be less painful. The sheer numbers aren't in an actual voting process, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted December 16, 2017 Share Posted December 16, 2017 Honesty is the best course. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted December 16, 2017 Share Posted December 16, 2017 Thank you very much for saying that. I'm actually a "she" in a tough spot. Lol. I can definitely see how it look like I was a man. Especially in using the term "bad guy" and I am usually the "tomboy" role. It was meant like a "bad guy" from a cartoon. There is always a good guy and and a bad guy. Anywho, I still really appreciate this response. So thank you. Haha, my bad for the assumption made, but yeah, you made it easy . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 8Bay8 Posted December 16, 2017 Author Share Posted December 16, 2017 Haha, my bad for the assumption made, but yeah, you made it easy . I definitely see that when I go back and read it, too. Not your bad at all! Hahaha 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beryllium Posted December 16, 2017 Share Posted December 16, 2017 Tell her exactly what you told us. Tell her you want to break up and you'd like her to have a nice Xmas. Tell her why she's a good catch for someone else, tell her why, at length, and with caring. Tell her why you think you're not a good match and why that's not good for the two of you together and as individuals. That's the most respectful thing you can do, and you owe her that. Give her the option of joining your family for Xmas if she wants, and if she does join you, do the work of informing your relatives so they don't ask her some stupid uninformed question of her that makes this nice girl feel bad. That is what a Man would do who is worthy of having her friendship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted December 17, 2017 Share Posted December 17, 2017 OP, here're a couple more observations, if I may... You used the word "girl" in your initial post and from the things you wrote in that post (e.g., wanting to give her a nice X'mas, wanting to stay friends ), I had assumed both of you were pretty young and inexperienced and were probably in your 20s. But you later mentioned that you were married for a while and have had a few relationships, so I suppose you can't be too young? Are you quite a bit older than this girl? That may explain the condescending tone in your initial post. I would think the whole summer of dating (casual or not) would have given you plenty of time to decide whether you wanted to get into a serious relationship with her. It sounds like you were not sure then, which means you shouldn't have agreed to become official in the first place. Some of us are puzzled by why you suddenly got this feeling that she's not long term material for you in a matter of just a few days. But it makes sense now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted December 17, 2017 Share Posted December 17, 2017 OP: Does your family like her? If you're going to keep your invitation, the least offensive way is to say that my folks would really love to have you spend X'mas with us, but that I would understand if you want to make other plans, so no pressure. I would change the wording as follows: "My family would really love to have you spend X'mas with us, but I would understand if you don't want to see me on that day." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 8Bay8 Posted December 17, 2017 Author Share Posted December 17, 2017 OP, here're a couple more observations, if I may... You used the word "girl" in your initial post and from the things you wrote in that post (e.g., wanting to give her a nice X'mas, wanting to stay friends ), I had assumed both of you were pretty young and inexperienced and were probably in your 20s. But you later mentioned that you were married for a while and have had a few relationships, so I suppose you can't be too young? Are you quite a bit older than this girl? That may explain the condescending tone in your initial post. I would think the whole summer of dating (casual or not) would have given you plenty of time to decide whether you wanted to get into a serious relationship with her. It sounds like you were not sure then, which means you shouldn't have agreed to become official in the first place. Some of us are puzzled by why you suddenly got this feeling that she's not long term material for you in a matter of just a few days. But it makes sense now. Where I am from it is not condescending to say girl. In many places this is true. In the movie Notting Hill, Julia Roberts is clearly of age to be a woman and yet says, "I I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy and asking him to love her". In reading my original post over, I do not see the condescending tone. I am not sure how opinions on what length of time I should have apparently come to this realization sooner actually affect how the situation should be handled at present. It happens to not be about age and I am not sure why people want me to search for something bad to tell you all about her in order to justify the fact that the relationship does have to end either way due to my not being in love with her. I don't believe that helps her in any way or makes the situation any nicer. As we have all seen here, no matter what I do upsets someone that reads the thread... Even if following advice that has merit from someone who sadly suffered some similar consequence and is trying to help soften someone else's experience in the alightest. I will not open up any possibility to one of the few over the top posters that could take some piece of information purely dug up to appease some confusion and running with it. Honestly, I don't know why I don't love her. I have questioned myself about it quite a bit. She is human but she doesn't have some glaring fault to answer this question for everyone. So the assumption would be that I should have fallen for her. I just didn't and before you know it, since there is no serious red flag to say so sooner, more time is passed than people think is acceptable. I don't have whatever answer it is that everyone wants to hear. Sometimes there is nothing "wrong" with someone. Sometimes being in love just doesn't develop. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted December 17, 2017 Share Posted December 17, 2017 Where I am from it is not condescending to say girl. In many places this is true. In the movie Notting Hill, Julia Roberts is clearly of age to be a woman and yet says, "I I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy and asking him to love her". In reading my original post over, I do not see the condescending tone. You have misunderstood me: the word "girl" is not condescending to me; rather, your description of what you're planning to say to her is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 8Bay8 Posted December 17, 2017 Author Share Posted December 17, 2017 You have misunderstood me: the word "girl" is not condescending to me; rather, your description of what you're planning to say to her is. This is a part of why I came to this forum. Apparently several things that were thrown around as starting points on what to say can offend a different person each time something is put out here. So one valuable thing about the thread is seeing why people felt that way from a sampled experience and it can help culminate some hopefully least offensive thing. No matter what I settle on, someone who reads it here will be upset, or offended. This is why I haven't been posting my notes I have been taking in my head about what to say, but still listening to what people say did about their relative life experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
Aiuta le mani Posted December 17, 2017 Share Posted December 17, 2017 Hey man! If you really want to be a friend and you know that she will be alone and feeling bad during the holidays if you break up with her, I think that you should wait until after the holidays! it seems to me like you not seeing a future in this relationship is recent, I also did not see any specific reason why you are breaking up! So, just try to be a good friend and wait after the holidays! if she says she loves you during this time, be honest and let her know that you are not ready to say that! Maybe you will feel different after the holidays! if you don't be honest as well and explain your reasons clearly! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 8Bay8 Posted December 17, 2017 Author Share Posted December 17, 2017 Hey man! If you really want to be a friend and you know that she will be alone and feeling bad during the holidays if you break up with her, I think that you should wait until after the holidays! it seems to me like you not seeing a future in this relationship is recent, I also did not see any specific reason why you are breaking up! So, just try to be a good friend and wait after the holidays! if she says she loves you during this time, be honest and let her know that you are not ready to say that! Maybe you will feel different after the holidays! if you don't be honest as well and explain your reasons clearly! Thanks for your post! It is nice to hear it put in a more laid back way as trying to find an answer through some of these responses has actually become more stressful than it was prior. Haha Link to post Share on other sites
Jdoublenn Posted December 17, 2017 Share Posted December 17, 2017 So did you end it yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Author 8Bay8 Posted December 17, 2017 Author Share Posted December 17, 2017 So did you end it yet? I mentioned her friend that passed and she has been at that funeral this weekend. So at the very least she has to be in back town because my opinion is that it has to be done in person. Link to post Share on other sites
Jdoublenn Posted December 17, 2017 Share Posted December 17, 2017 I mentioned her friend that passed and she has been at that funeral this weekend. So at the very least she has to be in back town because my opinion is that it has to be done in person. Whoops I guess I missed that post. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HiCrunchy Posted December 17, 2017 Share Posted December 17, 2017 I mentioned her friend that passed and she has been at that funeral this weekend. So at the very least she has to be in back town because my opinion is that it has to be done in person. Ahh her friend passed too. Damn, This poor girl is gonna be hit with a tripled whammy of grief. Along with getting back dumped from a seemly good relationship and spending the holidays all alone. This is he kind of things that can drive people do rash things. You should have an acquaintance check up in her if you can after u do the dumping. And yes in person is best for sure. God I do not envy this girl. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 8Bay8 Posted December 17, 2017 Author Share Posted December 17, 2017 Whoops I guess I missed that post. Yeah the funeral was a new development soon after the original post - though her friend had passed the night before. That extra dose of awful she just got was one reason I came here to figure this out also... She never seems to have a good Christmas... I really hope that changes in her future. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted December 17, 2017 Share Posted December 17, 2017 (edited) 8Bay8, maybe she hasn't 'felt' it either and will be relieved, who knows. All this hemming and hawing over doing the right thing is called procrastination. You're in a spot, perhaps because the realization that the holiday with family is significant to her and the development of your relationship. Things are getting real. I understand the dilemma, yet still think that honesty is the best action. You said that she asked for exclusiveness 'to see where this goes.' It's possible to touch base with her as to how this is going. Meaning, 'I don't think that we can be exclusive but I would like to keep our plans.' There isn't going to be an easy way to break off a romantic relationship. I hope that she feels the same about you that you do her. Excluding that, if you've valued the connection you have with her as a friend, which includes honesty...then continue to do so. Best of luck. Edited December 17, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote of deleted post ~T 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 8Bay8 Posted December 17, 2017 Author Share Posted December 17, 2017 Nope. 8Bay8, maybe she hasn't 'felt' it either and will be relieved, who knows. All this hemming and hawing over doing the right thing is called procrastination. You're in a spot, perhaps because the realization that the holiday with family is significant to her and the development of your relationship. Things are getting real. I understand the dilemma, yet still think that honesty is the best action. You said that she asked for exclusiveness 'to see where this goes.' It's possible to touch base with her as to how this is going. Meaning, 'I don't think that we can be exclusive but I would like to keep our plans.' There isn't going to be an easy way to break off a romantic relationship. I hope that she feels the same about you that you do her. Excluding that, if you've valued the connection you have with her as a friend, which includes honesty...then continue to do so. Best of luck. I agree. Her being out of town is one reason why I am still here listening to perspectives instead of already doing it. I hope you are actually more right about her feeling closer to how I feel than it seems. Thank you for your point of view! Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 17, 2017 Share Posted December 17, 2017 This scenario is just not possible. People know within first dates if they are very attracted to someone and the right chemistry is there. That doesn't just change out of thin air in the next few months. The only way it would change is if this person severly misrepresented themselves (lied about something major, personality totally changed). OP says neither is the case. So I don't get it. The only way this scenario is possible is if the OP wasn't feeling the chemistry from the start but hopped it would grow. In that case OP has strung this poor girl along for months and even introduced her to family How about you just don't date people you are not that into in the future? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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