Breakup before or after the holidays with a very nice person?

[8Bay8]

I am legitimately confused as well?? There seems to be nothing wrong.

It’s break ups like this that throw me for a loop...

 

Op do u know if ur feelings have changed? Or was it that u siding love her ever and we’re hoping feelings would grow?? I am not sure what is going on here...

 

Generally speaking, when we first started dating people, we are not in love with the other person yet. In the beginning, we are all seeing if our feelings will grow or believe they will. With the timing that this person and I got together, now is the few months in which I am able to see that I will not fall IN love with her even though I love the person that she is. Her feelings have grown and it is clear that she would be or could be in love. It is stringing her along further if I do not contemplate this ending fairly at a sooner timeframe.

[HiCrunchy]

Generally speaking, when we first started dating people, we are not in love with the other person yet. In the beginning, we are all seeing if our feelings will grow or believe they will. With the timing that this person and I got together, now is the few months in which I am able to see that I will not fall IN love with her even though I love the person that she is. Her feelings have grown and it is clear that she would be or could be in love. It is stringing her along further if I do not contemplate this ending fairly at a sooner timeframe.

 

Yes this sucks and really feel for her.

These are the kinds of break ups that make you question her worth and make the dumpee feel like something is wrong with them. Her self esteem will take a huge hit. Especially when nothing seems wrong in the relationship.

 

Do it gently and cruel free as possible op.

Edited December 15, 2017 by HiCrunchy

[JuneL]

Generally speaking, when we first started dating people, we are not in love with the other person yet. In the beginning, we are all seeing if our feelings will grow or believe they will. With the timing that this person and I got together, now is the few months in which I am able to see that I will not fall IN love with her even though I love the person that she is. Her feelings have grown and it is clear that she would be or could be in love. It is stringing her along further if I do not contemplate this ending fairly at a sooner timeframe.

 

But did you get the butterflies at the beginning? Do you think this might be the case that the honeymoon stage has ended?

[8Bay8]

But did you get the butterflies at the beginning? Do you think this might be the case that the honeymoon stage has ended?

 

I also wish it were as simple as an ended honeymoon stage. I did like her very much at first. I have never been one to get "butterflies" but there was, of course, an awkward nervousness. I have been in some long term relationships before and was even married for the better part of a decade at one point. So I can say with certainty that it is not a matter of an ended honeymoon.

[No_Go]

I also wish it were as simple as an ended honeymoon stage. I did like her very much at first. I have never been one to get "butterflies" but there was, of course, an awkward nervousness. I have been in some long term relationships before and was even married for the better part of a decade at one point. So I can say with certainty that it is not a matter of an ended honeymoon.

 

Is she just not type physically?

 

I can imagine if so she knows it already

[DevastatedJDC]

My ex from an 11.5 year relationship told me he had known it would end for a year, the sense of betrayal of having wasted that last year is overwhelming. He only stuck around for selfish reasons that last year and it did nothing but create a huge resentment when he finally did the deed.

[8Bay8]

My ex from an 11.5 year relationship told me he had known it would end for a year, the sense of betrayal of having wasted that last year is overwhelming. He only stuck around for selfish reasons that last year and it did nothing but create a huge resentment when he finally did the deed.

 

This is exactly why I don't believe it should drag out. I don't believe that is a fair thing to do in your situation that you had, or in this one.

[salparadise]

I didn't read the whole thread, but there are only two basic perspectives... a) break up before as that's being authentic, or b) wait until after as that's being generous by putting her feelings before your own...

 

I'm going with wait until after. But I don't think you should do it immediately after. Give it enough time (like a few weeks or a month) that the breakup won't be remembered as a Christmas breakup, won't invalidate the experience. You could think if it as postponing a decision to make things more congruent.

 

All of this is predicated on the fact that you care about her, respect her, and have decidedly positive regard... that you can enjoy being with her without being inauthentic. Just because you've realized it's not a forever relationship doesn't mean you can't stretch it out , esp. if it will spare her pain and give her some good memories. Our experience is held in the form of memories, ya know.

 

I had a gf break up with me before Christmas a few years ago and at the time I felt it was cruel and selfish. I don't feel that way anymore, but still would avoid a Christmas breakup if possible. The gifts are irrelevant if they aren't expensive. I also don't think you should offer friendship, as if your friendship is some valuable consolation prize... it's more likely a way for you to minimize the effect on your conscience. It's kind of condescending to offer that to someone you're dumping.

 

Lots of people consider ending a relationship for some time before pulling the trigger. If you can do that I think it would be generous. But if your decision is made and you feel that it would be totally inauthentic... then you gotta do. This is really a personal decision.

[8Bay8]

I didn't read the whole thread, but there are only two basic perspectives... a) break up before as that's being authentic, or b) wait until after as that's being generous by putting her feelings before your own...

 

I'm going with wait until after. But I don't think you should do it immediately after. Give it enough time (like a few weeks or a month) that the breakup won't be remembered as a Christmas breakup, won't invalidate the experience. You could think if it as postponing a decision to make things more congruent.

 

All of this is predicated on the fact that you care about her, respect her, and have decidedly positive regard... that you can enjoy being with her without being inauthentic. Just because you've realized it's not a forever relationship doesn't mean you can't stretch it out , esp. if it will spare her pain and give her some good memories. Our experience is held in the form of memories, ya know.

 

I had a gf break up with me before Christmas a few years ago and at the time I felt it was cruel and selfish. I don't feel that way anymore, but still would avoid a Christmas breakup if possible. The gifts are irrelevant if they aren't expensive. I also don't think you should offer friendship, as if your friendship is some valuable consolation prize... it's more likely a way for you to minimize the effect on your conscience. It's kind of condescending to offer that to someone you're dumping.

 

Lots of people consider ending a relationship for some time before pulling the trigger. If you can do that I think it would be generous. But if your decision is made and you feel that it would be totally inauthentic... then you gotta do. This is really a personal decision.

 

I do respect her and do value her company authentically. I would assume that if I go with the idea of after, we are talking January so she isn't misled as long as another holiday? I thank you for a perspective that also comes from some experience of being in her shoes.

[todreaminblue]

from experience i say before......my ex and i split up with after new year and christmas..he was in an affair and his behavior over christmas was confusing and hurtful my mum was visiting....and not only could i feel my exes coldness towards me sapped out all my joy i normally had around christmas because i just love the giving part..... but my mum kept asking me what was going on she could feel it too....i really wish that we had the talk before......either way christmas that year was ruined......i pasted on my brightest smile for my kids who were younger and so excited......and my heart hurt......

 

when you know you dont want to be with someone however nice they are however sweet..... you tell them straight away you dont wait ...you dont waste more time...because whether you know it or not so unconsciously the vibes are there...if your family knows ....there will be pity vibes.....

 

you dont wait because they then can spend their time surrounded by people who really want to be with them.....who enjoy their company and for sure for you....so at least you dont have to pretend and be fake....nothing worse i think than being fake around such a special time as christmas and for sure new year.....dont do it....when you feel you no longer want to be with someone ...dont waste a day.....of their time or yours.....good luck...deb

[Been]

You used her. Simple as that. It doesn't take MONTHS to figure out if you could love someone or not.

Funny thing is you haven't listed ONE thing on WHY you don't love her or could see a long term relationship with her. But you mention how awesome she is??

Just do it. Your going to hurt her no matter what. What are you going to give her the best Christmas ever and then dump her the next day?

Just man up and do what needs to be done.

But don't try to act like your trying to let her down gently as possible. Your trying to lessen the guilt you feel.

Edited December 17, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~T

[Been]

Seven months is awhile to figure out if you could love or not love someone. Its over half a year.

You stated you introduced her to your family and such. If you know you could never love that Peron why bring her around and introduce her to your family when in the back of your mind you want to break up?

[8Bay8]

from experience i say before......my ex and i split up with after new year and christmas..he was in an affair and his behavior over christmas was confusing and hurtful my mum was visiting....and not only could i feel my exes coldness towards me sapped out all my joy i normally had around christmas because i just love the giving part..... but my mum kept asking me what was going on she could feel it too....i really wish that we had the talk before......either way christmas that year was ruined......i pasted on my brightest smile for my kids who were younger and so excited......and my heart hurt......

 

when you know you dont want to be with someone however nice they are however sweet..... you tell them straight away you dont wait ...you dont waste more time...because whether you know it or not so unconsciously the vibes are there...if your family knows ....there will be pity vibes.....

 

you dont wait because they then can spend their time surrounded by people who really want to be with them.....who enjoy their company and for sure for you....so at least you dont have to pretend and be fake....nothing worse i think than being fake around such a special time as christmas and for sure new year.....dont do it....when you feel you no longer want to be with someone ...dont waste a day.....of their time or yours.....good luck...deb

 

I appreciate your response and I'm very sorry that your situation happened to you in that way. In your situation, in my opinion, that should have ended before the affair started. So I am very sorry that that happened to you and I do agree about not wasting people's time. So thank you.

[8Bay8]

Seven months is awhile to figure out if you could love or not love someone. Its over half a year.

You stated you introduced her to your family and such. If you know you could never love that Peron why bring her around and introduce her to your family when in the back of your mind you want to break up?

 

I am not sure where 7 months is coming from... It has only been a couple months. I have been looking through my posts seeing if there was a typo... ?

[springy]

OP - I like salsa's advice although that route still seems a bit 'phony' and will throw her for a loop if you play like all is well for another few weeks. It's just not going to be easy no matter what. I realize you are trying to spare her feelings. I do not envy your position. Good luck to you. Really.

 

It's only been 2 months...yeah, don't wait too long.

Edited December 16, 2017 by springy

[JuneL]

I am not sure where 7 months is coming from... It has only been a couple months. I have been looking through my posts seeing if there was a typo... ?

 

You said several months in your initial post. Many would take that as at least 3-4 months. I thought people normally would agree to be in a relationship (beyond the initial dating stage) only if they see the potential to be together for at least a few more months.

Edited December 16, 2017 by JuneL

[todreaminblue]

I appreciate your response and I'm very sorry that your situation happened to you in that way. In your situation, in my opinion, that should have ended before the affair started. So I am very sorry that that happened to you and I do agree about not wasting people's time. So thank you.

 

i appreciate your response.....and you are right....he should have ended it with me as soon as he slept with his affair partner...what was confusing also is that he continued to have sex with me.....until the night before he kissed me goodbye....that....was the final condescending disrespectful thing he did to me...... i gave him the ultimatum when he came clean during our talk..and he kissed me goodbye.....i was so confused ....

 

i really hope that you arent still making love with her...from experience there is no other way for a woman to feel more used and discarded...abandoned......and I pray that you do have the strength to do whats right by her...and in the long run.....yourself.....deb

[8Bay8]

You used her. Simple as that. It doesn't take MONTHS to figure out if you could love someone or not.

Funny thing is you haven't listed ONE thing on WHY you don't love her or could see a long term relationship with her. But you mention how awesome she is??

Just do it. Your going to hurt her no matter what. What are you going to give her the best Christmas ever and then dump her the next day?

Just man up and do what needs to be done.

But don't try to act like your trying to let her down gently as possible. Your trying to lessen the guilt you feel.

 

 

It is possible to think someone is a great person and not be in love with them. It can be "simple as that" as well. just because I don't fall in love with someone does not make them not awesome.

Edited December 17, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic ~T

[springy]

I too didn't interpret several months to mean two. So - are you official or just dating? I usually date for at least a couple of months before even becoming official.

[8Bay8]

i appreciate your response.....and you are right....he should have ended it with me as soon as he slept with his affair partner...what was confusing also is that he continued to have sex with me.....until the night before he kissed me goodbye....that....was the final condescending disrespectful thing he did to me...... i gave him the ultimatum when he came clean during our talk..and he kissed me goodbye.....i was so confused ....

 

i really hope that you arent still making love with her...from experience there is no other way for a woman to feel more used and discarded...abandoned......and I pray that you do have the strength to do whats right by her...and in the long run.....yourself.....deb

 

He sounds very confusing and I am firnly against cheating. Again, I am sorry that happened because that is as heart hurting as it is confusing.

 

We have not been sleeping together since I realized this recently. Her work schedule made that something hard to time before. So that part at least is not a factor in what is already a full plate of not greatness.

[8Bay8]

I too didn't interpret several months to mean two. So - are you official or just dating? I usually date for at least a couple of months before even becoming official.

 

We met in the beginning of Summer, started seeing each other casually at the end of summer, and she wanted to become official at the end of October "to see where it would go". I think since then it has just gone further for her than it has for me.

[JuneL]

We met in the beginning of Summer, started seeing each other casually at the end of summer, and she wanted to become official at the end of October "to see where it would go". I think since then it has just gone further for her than it has for me.

 

So is it fair to say you were not sure about whether to get into a serious relationship with her when she wanted to go official 1.5 months ago?

 

She has probably sensed that she's the one more invested.

Edited December 16, 2017 by JuneL

[8Bay8]

So is it fair to say you were not sure about whether to get into a serious relationship with her when she wanted to go official 1.5 months ago?

 

She has probably sensed that she's the one more invested.

 

At the time we both agreed that being official was simply "seeing where things go" monogamously. Do you believe knowing this answer changes your opinion on when or how I should release her from the relationship?

[8Bay8]

Soooo many things go into two people being compatible for the long haul, and it is rarely just about "looks."

 

As an example, I broke up with probably the nicest, most gentle man I've ever met (several years ago) because I couldn't see us together long term. It had nothing to do with what he looked like.....there were just things about our lives that I didn't feel "gelled." I had kids, he didn't, he was significantly older and has a degenerative disease I felt wouldn't match up with my active lifestyle with my kids. He was so kind and gentle I didn't feel like I could ever have a fight with him (and not that I love fighting or drama, but it felt "too easy.")

 

Getting to a point where you realize definitively if you have what it takes for a long term commitment takes time. And someone being "nice and amazing" isn't enough to sustain a relationship.

 

Just my opinion. I do not think OP is a bad guy at all. He's in a tough spot.

 

Thank you very much for saying that. I'm actually a "she" in a tough spot. Lol. I can definitely see how it look like I was a man. Especially in using the term "bad guy" and I am usually the "tomboy" role. It was meant like a "bad guy" from a cartoon. There is always a good guy and and a bad guy. Anywho, I still really appreciate this response. So thank you.

[JuneL]

At the time we both agreed that being official was simply "seeing where things go" monogamously. Do you believe knowing this answer changes your opinion on when or how I should release her from the relationship?

 

If she has sensed that you're not as invested, then as much as this sucks, it's not going to be as big a shock. In this case, there is more reason to end it sooner.