Breakup before or after the holidays with a very nice person?

[8Bay8]

In all honesty OP, what it looks like is that while you're giving the appearance of being thoughtful and empathetic, you really just want to assuage your guilt for leaving your GF a week before Christmas.

 

If you want to leave her, just do it and let her deal with it her own way. There's no way for you (or anyone, really) to predict how she's going to react so the timing doesn't matter so much as breaking up with her with kindness.

 

Good luck with it.

 

Thank you and it does seem like this is the answer that will be the result based on the assistance from all of you here. This was a very helpful thread for a situation that just plain sucks no matter which timing had turned out to be the one that would be "best".

 

I will also take into account the several responses of not actually verbally offering friendship in the actual breakup as it sounds like that comes across more demeaning rather than conveying my hope that it will work out that way. So I will just keep that hope to myself because I do not want it to come out the way it actually sounds like it would.

 

Again, thank you all and I am still open to further responses even though the decision is pretty much made. Waiting until after the holidays to breakup just doesn't seem to have as many points as the other option as of now. So thank you to those who also expressed that point of view. The numbers here just are out-weighed.

[d0nnivain]

The idea that it's cruel to be kind is a cliché for a reason: It is true.

 

 

As much as "let's be friends" is trite, at this time of year if you are trying for Peace on Earth & Good Will toward everyone, you could say something along the lines of

 

 

I'

m

sorry to do this because there just isn't a good way to do this but I really don't see as future for us. I hate the fact that I'

m

hurting a nice person like you at this time of year but I didn't want Christmas to be a lie. You are still welcome if you'd like to come for a nice dinner & some comradery but it's up to you.

 

Then you can let her decide. I think most people would opt out but others may appreciate just not being alone.

[JuneL]

plan to let her know that she is welcome to return the gifts she may have gotten me while she can keep ones I got for her.

 

 

If someone said this to me, I would honestly throw away the gifts he gave me and tell him he's free to do whatever he wants with the ones I gave him...

[8Bay8]

I'm just curious. Before she met you, did she not get invited by her friends for X'mas? Also, for someone who doesn't have the tradition of celebrating X'mas the way you are used to, maybe the kind of X'mas you have envisioned for her is not as big a deal. I was also curious as to why you suddenly lost feelings for her during the past few days. Did something happen that made you realize her coming from a different background might not be compatible with you long term?

 

Sorry I must have missed this response in there and I would at least like to address your questions. She doesn't have a large friend base as many have moved and she works quite a lot. The few friends that are around here do not generally invite outside people to their Christmas occasions is what I understood when I asked the same question before. She had expressed some happiness in the fact that she would be at a Christmas with some people that enjoy being around each other for the holidays when she was invited to mine after meeting the family that would be there some time ago. It isn't some production, this is true. It was more about being around welcoming people and a positive atmosphere during that time.

 

I would not say I "lost" feelings for her. However, I can see why it would sound that way. It is more that they are not going to pass the point they are now. While I love the person that she is and believe she deserves the best she can have, I am not IN love with her and think it is unfair to continue a relationship knowing that is how it would stay. It is not our backgrounds that determined this. It is just something that isn't developing regardless of whether it seemed like it should, sadly.

[8Bay8]

The idea that it's cruel to be kind is a cliché for a reason: It is true.

 

 

As much as "let's be friends" is trite, at this time of year if you are trying for Peace on Earth & Good Will toward everyone, you could say something along the lines of

 

 

I'

m

sorry to do this because there just isn't a good way to do this but I really don't see as future for us. I hate the fact that I'

m

hurting a nice person like you at this time of year but I didn't want Christmas to be a lie. You are still welcome if you'd like to come for a nice dinner & some comradery but it's up to you.

 

Then you can let her decide. I think most people would opt out but others may appreciate just not being alone.

 

 

I really like this option!

[8Bay8]

If someone said this to me, I would honestly throw away the gifts he gave me and tell him he's free to do whatever he wants with the ones I gave him...

 

Well I planned to word that a bit more delicately than I did in the thread so that it is more clear that I do appreciate the thought of whatever gifts she purchased and that I didn't want her to think I just stayed to get the gifts.

 

You do bring up a good point that she did already purchase the gifts. So even though the plan is to tell her before Christmas now, what IS the best way to say that where it isn't offensive, or do I just let it sort of work itself out and not mention it at all?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Well I planned to word that a bit more delicately than I did in the thread so that it is more clear that I do appreciate the thought of whatever gifts she purchased and that I didn't want her to think I just stayed to get the gifts.

 

You do bring up a good point that she did already purchase the gifts. So even though the plan is to tell her before Christmas now, what IS the best way to say that where it isn't offensive, or do I just let it sort of work itself out and not mention it at all?

 

I wouldn't mention the gifts at all. It isn't rocket science that gifts can be returned unless you think she bought you an airplane ticket somewhere. If she brings that up, I'd just say "I hope it's something that can be returned."

[JuneL]

 

I'

m

sorry to do this because there just isn't a good way to do this but I really don't see as future for us. I hate the fact that I'

m

hurting a nice person like you at this time of year but I didn't want Christmas to be a lie. You are still welcome if you'd like to come for a nice dinner & some comradery but it's up to you.

 

 

OP: Does your family like her? If you're going to keep your invitation, the least offensive way is to say that my folks would really love to have you spend X'mas with us, but that I would understand if you want to make other plans, so no pressure.

 

Regarding the gifts, again, you're making a mountain out of a molehill: to worry about if she might think that you stay long enough just to get the gifts should be the least of your concern at this point.

[8Bay8]

I wouldn't mention the gifts at all. It isn't rocket science that gifts can be returned unless you think she bought you an airplane ticket somewhere. If she brings that up, I'd just say "I hope it's something that can be returned."

 

Being that it was our first Christmas, and we had only been together a few months, I had previously had a conversation with her that I didn't believe we should go too crazy on gifting. So I do not believe she went that far. Otherwise, that would open a whole other can of worms...

 

I will go with the not mentioning the gifting. She is a very smart girl and I am sure she will express that want if she has it. So I believe you are right here.

[8Bay8]

OP: Does your family like her? If you're going to keep your invitation, the least offensive way is to say that my folks would really love to have you spend X'mas with us, but that I would understand if you want to make other plans, so no pressure.

 

Regarding the gifts, again, you're making a mountain out of a molehill: to worry about if she might think that you stay long enough just to get the gifts should be the least of your concern at this point.

 

JuneL... This time I was responding to your post about the gifts... So it would seem you have been making the gifts into the bigger deal than any of us... Especially when you said you would throw the guy's gifts away... I answered a prior post once and you have been bringing it up ever since.

 

I feel like your rewording of the option I liked is saying basically the same thing as the prior post did. I do still think it is a good idea, but I might leave my folks out of it since they are no longer with us. So the original wording might be closer to how I provide her with that choice. Thank you, though!

[8Bay8]

And to answer the question, my family does like her. She is a very nice person.

[JuneL]

JuneL... This time I was responding to your post about the gifts... So it would seem you have been making the gifts into the bigger deal than any of us... Especially when you said you would throw the guy's gifts away... I answered a prior post once and you have been bringing it up ever since.

 

I feel like your rewording of the option I liked is saying basically the same thing as the prior post did. I do still think it is a good idea, but I might leave my folks out of it since they are no longer with us. So the original wording might be closer to how I provide her with that choice. Thank you, though!

 

I was trying to reword the invitation in such a way that your family are enthusiastic about having her spend X'mas with them, instead of sounding like they take pity on her (she's invited only because they know she has nowhere to go).

 

Since you brought up a few times about returning her gifts, I take it that you seem to be most concerned about her spending $$ on them. I would be most concerned about her getting you something of sentimental value. For example, let's say she has gotten you a new year calendar with pictures of your memorable moments in it...how is she going to return the gift then?

[8Bay8]

Since you brought up a few times about returning her gifts, I take it that you seem to be most concerned about her spending $$ on them. I would be most concerned about her getting you something of sentimental value. For example, let's say she has gotten you a new year calendar with pictures of your memorable moments in it...how is she going to return the gift then?

 

I have literally only responded to your continual posts about it in which you have been bringing it up several times and then turning around and telling me I am making a big deal about it when I answer you... other than 1 other time, which I have now clarified several times, that I was responding to another poster asking something about it.

 

The items I got her are also of sentimental value with her name engraved on some and such. If it consoles you at all, in addition to the fact that we already determined in other responses that I would not be bringing up the gifts during the breakup at all, her and I have not been together long enough for the calendar to happen as we have not accumulated a lot of pictures. This is not a years long relationship, or even 5 months. However, if she purchased engraved gifts like I did, the basis of the original idea would have been for her to decide if she wanted me to still have said gifts and I hope she would like to keep what I got her - even though she does not have to do that either.

 

We previously now determined that bringing up the gifts at all is, in fact, a poor choice as the reason why I posted that in the very OP will not matter. So she can throw the ones from me away as you said you would when you quoted the original post. That is her choice and her right if she wants to. I will still give mine to her and I will not be saying anything about her gifts verbally during the breakup.

 

So it sounds like we have a resolution on the gifts, and it can be considered resolved. So, I believe we can move on from the gifts without further ado.

[BaileyB]

This whole discussion makes my heart hurt.

 

I can't imagine, being dumped just days before Christmas when this individual has no family and would indeed be alone for the holidays... It's heartbreaking.

[JuneL]

instead of trying to make me out to be some bad guy. I am not one

 

I didn't think you're a bad guy. Just that some of the things in your initial post may come across as very offensive to your soon-to-be-ex girlfriend, and I was trying to be blunt with you.

[8Bay8]

I didn't think you're a bad guy. Just that some of the things in your initial post may come across as very offensive to your soon-to-be-ex girlfriend, and I was trying to be blunt with you.

 

I appreciate that, JuneL.

[No_Go]

If you’re trying to establish a friendship- you should keep in mind a pre-holiday break up is most likely going to burn that bridge for good.... Would you take back your Christmas invite for a platonic friend after discussing it, with the knowledge that s/he will be left completely alone in that case?

[Gr8fuln2020]

The suggestion to invite someone b/c of some 'holiday season' obligation to act more nice than any other time of the year is simply contrived. You are dumping this person, what makes you think you are being considerate by inviting that person to a dinner to be with people who know that you've already dumped her. This strikes me as arrogant and self-serving. End it. Be honest and not create something that isn't genuine.

 

Way too much over thinking and planning for a break-up.

[JuneL]

This whole discussion makes my heart hurt.

 

I can't imagine, being dumped just days before Christmas when this individual has no family and would indeed be alone for the holidays... It's heartbreaking.

 

In a nutshell, he's asking us whether he should hand the girl a bowl of $hit or a cup of $****, and on top of that, how to make the $hit taste less unpleasant...

[BaileyB]

I don't understand why they are breaking up at all... maybe I'm missing something, but I haven't really heard a reason why this decision has been made. And, I don't understand how you can come to this revolution in a matter of a few days or why this decision needs to be made at the holidays. The whole thing seems rather immature and selfish to me, especially the thought that you can remain friends after the breakup.

[8Bay8]

I don't understand why they are breaking up at all... maybe I'm missing something, but I haven't really heard a reason why this decision has been made. And, I don't understand how you can come to this revolution in a matter of a few days or why this decision needs to be made at the holidays. The whole thing seems rather immature and selfish to me, especially the thought that you can remain friends after the breakup.

 

 

I wish I was in love with her and the timing of the realization is awful. However, I can't stay with her forever when I know I won't fall in love with her. That is unfair to her and would lead to many issues. The timing that we got together made for a crappy time of year when I would be able to come to the realization of this sad truth. So the debate is which timing is the least ****ty, but I can't just stay with her simply because leaving her will hurt her also. That isn't fair to her at all.

[8Bay8]

The suggestion to invite someone b/c of some 'holiday season' obligation to act more nice than any other time of the year is simply contrived. You are dumping this person, what makes you think you are being considerate by inviting that person to a dinner to be with people who know that you've already dumped her. This strikes me as arrogant and self-serving. End it. Be honest and not create something that isn't genuine.

 

Way too much over thinking and planning for a break-up.

 

If it were any normal situation that is actually like what you have written here, then yes, that would be contrived. However, many reasons why this would be something different and the invite considered have been covered in previous replies.

[8Bay8]

This whole discussion makes my heart hurt.

 

I can't imagine, being dumped just days before Christmas when this individual has no family and would indeed be alone for the holidays... It's heartbreaking.

 

I agree. This is part of why I brought this here. It wasn't an easy decision. She is a nice person and deserves the answer that is the least crappy.

[8Bay8]

If you’re trying to establish a friendship- you should keep in mind a pre-holiday break up is most likely going to burn that bridge for good.... Would you take back your Christmas invite for a platonic friend after discussing it, with the knowledge that s/he will be left completely alone in that case?

 

This was definitely part of the debate in my head and one reason why I brought this to this forum.

[HiCrunchy]

I don't understand why they are breaking up at all... maybe I'm missing something, but I haven't really heard a reason why this decision has been made. And, I don't understand how you can come to this revolution in a matter of a few days or why this decision needs to be made at the holidays. The whole thing seems rather immature and selfish to me, especially the thought that you can remain friends after the breakup.

 

I am legitimately confused as well?? There seems to be nothing wrong.

It’s break ups like these that throw me for a loop...

 

Op do u know if ur feelings have changed? Or was it that u weren’t in love her ever and we’re hoping feelings would grow?? I am not sure what is going on here...

I really hope that ur not suffering from gigs and regret this later

 

Ways to make break up easier:

Do in person

Do In private place

Have a reason even if it’s I am not in love with u anymore

Leave her alone to grieve and tell her that u will (don’t be her friend so she can heal).

 

Do this ASAP!

Edited December 15, 2017 by HiCrunchy