Can someone explain this message to me?

[TheOnlyOne73]

When you said that what he wrote in that message was just him trying to soften the blow, what exactly are you saying he is trying to disguise (the actual reason for not wanting to be with me)? Is it his lack of wanting to commit, or something else I am unaware of?

 

I know that in a year I definitely wouldn't be thinking about this, I would only talk to him if he reached out and I wanted to respond or if he suggested meeting up of his own accord, but I would enter with caution and ask him why.

[TheOnlyOne73]

This is the link to the original story:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/638716-mutual-break-up-after-3-year-relationship-need#post7440571

[BC1980]

When you said that what he wrote in that message was just him trying to soften the blow, what exactly are you saying he is trying to disguise (the actual reason for not wanting to be with me)? Is it his lack of wanting to commit, or something else I am unaware of?

 

I know that in a year I definitely wouldn't be thinking about this, I would only talk to him if he reached out and I wanted to respond or if he suggested meeting up of his own accord, but I would enter with caution and ask him why.

 

I think he just doesn't want to commit, but he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Most people don't want to intentionally hurt someone. The stuff he said isn't original. It's the usual stuff people say after a breakup. I don't think he's trying to disguise the reason. I think it's the usual reason- he doesn't feel strong enough about you to commit. There's not rhyme or reason to that.

[TheOnlyOne73]

I think he just doesn't want to commit, but he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Most people don't want to intentionally hurt someone. The stuff he said isn't original. It's the usual stuff people say after a breakup. I don't think he's trying to disguise the reason. I think it's the usual reason- he doesn't feel strong enough about you to commit. There's not rhyme or reason to that.

 

Doesn't make sense to me, he shouldn't have bothered paying me all those compliments and leading me to believe throughout the relationship that his feelings were strong, by making me believe I was "special". He shouldn't have bothered lying in that message, and definitely shouldn't have bothered coming back to me a year ago asking for another chance, if that was the case.

 

He must be having a laugh if he thinks I'll ever respond to anything he says, let alone willingly meet up with him ever again in the future unless there's a very valid reason to. Good luck to him, he better not come crying to me when some other woman attempts to knock him into shape too.

 

He told me 1 week ago that he was unsure of what he had said about agreeing to the break-up and didn't know if he made the right decision. Now he can drown in uncertainty because I'm not going to fill him in on the details of my life again anytime soon.

Edited October 28, 2017 by TheOnlyOne73

[Highndry]

Doesn't make sense to me, he shouldn't have bothered paying me all those compliments and leading me to believe throughout the relationship that his feelings were strong, by making me believe I was "special". He shouldn't have bothered lying in that message, and definitely shouldn't have bothered coming back to me a year ago asking for another chance, if that was the case.

 

He must be having a laugh if he thinks I'll ever respond to anything he says, let alone willingly meet up with him ever again in the future unless there's a very valid reason to. Good luck to him, he better not come crying to me when some other woman attempts to knock him into shape too.

 

He told me 1 week ago that he was unsure of what he had said about agreeing to the break-up and didn't know if he made the right decision. Now he can drown in uncertainty because I'm not going to fill him in on the details of my life again anytime soon.

 

A lot of what happens during breakups doesn't make any sense. People say things they don't mean, a lot of times the reasons they state aren't the real reasons, the bottom line is that the person's feelings changed. They decided they could do better and left. It's reality for everyone going through this.

[basil67]

Actually he's got a point. If he's got to change who he is to make you happy, it's not meant to be.

[TheOnlyOne73]

Actually he's got a point. If he's got to change who he is to make you happy, it's not meant to be.

 

I disagree. I never wanted him to change his fundamental or core being, I only wanted him to work on his commitment issues. It was actually him who first brought it up as an issue, not me.

 

He already worked on communication issues throughout the course of our relationship, not because I forced him, but because he wanted to.

[TheOnlyOne73]

A lot of what happens during breakups doesn't make any sense. People say things they don't mean, a lot of times the reasons they state aren't the real reasons, the bottom line is that the person's feelings changed. They decided they could do better and left. It's reality for everyone going through this.

 

When I first brought up we should break-up 3 weeks ago, I asked him if that was what he wanted and he immediately said no, not at all, I don't want to lose you.

 

The message he sent which I put in the first post of this thread was what he said on Thursday of this week (2 days ago).

 

Are you trying to tell me his feelings changed that suddenly?! No, I think he didn't like the fact I was rejecting him so he tried to shift some of the rejection onto me by agreeing with the break-up. It wouldn't be the first time he has done that, then done another 180 a few months later and come back again.

 

Take into consideration that less than a week ago he was messaging me on Skype telling me how great I was looking after he saw my new profile picture, how much he missed me and was unsure about the break-up. He agreed that we were both on the same page regarding how we were feeling post break-up. He said he wanted to talk to me once he had got back from his Uncle's so he did, we had a 90 minute conversation and I ended the conversation first.

Edited October 28, 2017 by TheOnlyOne73

[SpecialJ]

I read this as, he doesn't know how to make you happy so he's accepting the breakup is for the best. Maybe it's because he's unwilling to try, maybe he actually doesn't understand your needs, maybe he just can't meet them at this point in his life. It probably makes him feel immasculated to some extent (who wants to feel they are not capable of making their partner happy?) and can replace affection with insecurity and frustration.

 

Does that matter? Probably not. You talk about his issues and fears, and it sounds like they're numerous. Actions and words not aligning is actually a huge issue and red flag. Because of that alone, I'd suggest trying to heal and move on so you don't get in a cycle of this, as other posters have already suggested. I've personally learned not to listen to actions OR words unless they are aligned with each other. If they are not, nothing means anything, and the guy either isn't ready, isn't willing, or isn't able. So you'll do yourself a favor to cut the relationship off altogether and not assume anything will improve on the timeline you desire.

 

It sucks, but if he's really not giving you what you want (which it doesn't sound like he is), you need to prioritize yourself. If you intellectually know he can't help you meet your long-term life goals, no matter what the reason, then your emotions will catch up if you give yourself enough space to heal, and you'll get over it.

[TheOnlyOne73]

In addition to all of this, I've started to get migraines brought on by stress over the past few weeks which I have never had before in my life, and headaches from crying too much. It feels like everything is going wrong at the moment. I feel so out of control and I don't know what to do about it.

Edited October 28, 2017 by TheOnlyOne73

[usa1ah]

Ok, thanks for your help. I'm glad I did reply because I wanted to get my views across and I don't like playing games.

 

I plan to stay NC indefinitely.

 

Understand not wanting to play games. Just think you should of left off the last part of your reply.

 

Relationships are all about give and take, working things out to make the relationship work. This includes becoming a better person for the one you are with because they are worth doing it for.

[usa1ah]

It is so confusing because he hints at a future reconciliation without realising that letting me go now means that is highly unlikely. Does he think he can have his cake and eat it?

 

This should be “never going to happen”.

[usa1ah]

So when/if he ever responds to my text, should I just not reply? How do I resist the urge not to?

 

By realizing you are worth more then seating around waiting for a response from a ex that couldn’t see your true worth.

[BC1980]

In addition to all of this, I've started to get migraines brought on by stress over the past few weeks which I have never had before in my life, and headaches from crying too much. It feels like everything is going wrong at the moment. I feel so out of control and I don't know what to do about it.

 

You can certainly have a physical reaction to emotional stress. Like your face getting red when you're angry or your stomach "dropping" when you get nervous. I remember being a mess for the first few days after my breakup. My stomach felt nervous for a day or so, and I couldn't eat. Emotions are weird things.

[TheOnlyOne73]

Relationships are all about give and take, working things out to make the relationship work. This includes becoming a better person for the one you are with because they are worth doing it for.

 

That's exactly what I said to my ex the last time I spoke to him. I think relationships require continuous effort and adaptation to meet each other's needs.

 

My ex seems to be of the notion that you're supposed to an absolutely perfect match when you enter a relationship and then that's it, zero effort or work needs to be put into the relationship from there on. You just stay stagnant and both stop growing as individuals because you're oh so "naturally perfect for each other". He thinks it's meant to be a walk in a park, when in reality, that couldn't be further from the truth. He also used to freak out whenever there was any conflict and hated communicating and discussing issues because he thought there shouldn't be any.

 

It's because we aren't 100% naturally perfect for each other and because we don't agree on EVERYTHING that he thinks we should break up. We were compatible on many levels and our emotional connection was very strong, I'd say we were about 85% suited to each other. I tried to explain that relationships aren't automatically perfect post honeymoon period (where it seems like they are) and that they require hard work (see first post of this thread).

 

A part of me wants to explain this to him some more but I know it probably wouldn't change anything, so I haven't since that conversation.

 

I haven't received a reply after I explained to him that relationships require change and hard work, and that was three days ago now. I guess he just disagrees...?

[stillafool]

It is so confusing because he hints at a future reconciliation without realising that letting me go now means that is highly unlikely. Does he think he can have his cake and eat it?

 

No he just meant if you guys meet in the future, who knows. I don't think he was hinting at future reconciliation but more so trying to be nice in his closure response.

[PegNosePete]

A part of me wants to explain this to him some more but I know it probably wouldn't change anything

No, it wouldn't. You and he have diametrically opposed viewpoints on this. You already explained that you think people should change during relationships, whereas he thinks you should both stay the same. Neither of you are going to change your mind just because the other says so, so it's pointless trying to convince him.

 

It's also pointless trying to convince him because this relationship is over, and even if you do convince him of your viewpoint, the relationship is still going to be over. There's really no point arguing with an ex. It won't change anything.

 

I guess he just disagrees...?

Who cares? You need to stop trying to guess what he thinks. You need to forget about him and move on with your own life.

[Zahara]

It's because we aren't 100% naturally perfect for each other and because we don't agree on EVERYTHING that he thinks we should break up. We were compatible on many levels and our emotional connection was very strong, I'd say we were about 85% suited to each other. I tried to explain that relationships aren't automatically perfect post honeymoon period (where it seems like they are) and that they require hard work (see first post of this thread).

 

He's breaking up with you because he cannot fully commit to you. All the other excuses/reasons -- just smoke and mirrors.

 

I haven't received a reply after I explained to him that relationships require change and hard work, and that was three days ago now. I guess he just disagrees...?

 

He hasn't responded because he knows what his hang ups are and he knows it's not changing. He likely does not have anything to say that can help you. Silence is a response. He has a problem committing to you, that's not changing no matter how much you rationalize because to him, it all sounds irrational as it goes against how he feels/views the relationship.

[SpecialJ]

OP broke up with him, but it sounds like it was out of frustration that he wouldn't work on this. OP, in my opinion, you're right... relationships take work. It's not an issue of wanting to be better for the other person, it's about wanting to be better for yourself which includes being a good partner. But that's semantics.

 

He doesn't see it this way. In my opinion, that's the immature Disney view, but it's strong in many people, and a contributor to relationship failure. Sometimes, people grow up and mature out of this viewpoint, though it could still take many years. Other times, they don't at all.

 

What I'm hearing is you want to be with an adult partner, and he's not it right now. You can't change that, no matter how much he loves you or doesn't. I think you need to write this off for the time being, as you don't know how long it will take him to get there. Leaving him alone to think about it might be one step, and likely him having new life experiences and failures will be additional steps. But focus on healing because you don't deserve to have to wait for as long as this will take with no guarantee.

[TheOnlyOne73]

OP broke up with him, but it sounds like it was out of frustration that he wouldn't work on this. OP, in my opinion, you're right... relationships take work. It's not an issue of wanting to be better for the other person, it's about wanting to be better for yourself which includes being a good partner. But that's semantics.

 

He doesn't see it this way. In my opinion, that's the immature Disney view, but it's strong in many people, and a contributor to relationship failure. Sometimes, people grow up and mature out of this viewpoint, though it could still take many years. Other times, they don't at all.

 

What I'm hearing is you want to be with an adult partner, and he's not it right now. You can't change that, no matter how much he loves you or doesn't. I think you need to write this off for the time being, as you don't know how long it will take him to get there. Leaving him alone to think about it might be one step, and likely him having new life experiences and failures will be additional steps. But focus on healing because you don't deserve to have to wait for as long as this will take with no guarantee.

 

Thank you, it's nice to have someone agree with me for a change haha.

 

The most frustrating thing about it is that I can't believe I am saying this to a 30 year old, you would think it would be the other way round, that the 22 year old (me) wouldn't want to commit. Some of his closest friends who are the same age are engaged and getting married soon, to make matters even more bizarre.

 

Another low blow was the fact he never replied to that message 4 days ago. I find that to be particularly cruel. I am the kind of person who respects someone enough to hear them out (especially if I shared my life with them and gave them my heart) and provides at least a brief final response to communicate my needs at that moment in time. I find it rude to leave people hanging like that, especially if it's someone I care about, and a matter of love and heartbreak. If you've really got nothing to say then at least a "I respect and appreciate what you're saying but I disagree. I'm sorry but I can't talk to you right now" will suffice. However, this comes as no surprise as he wasn't a good communicator, and used to sometimes ignore messages even whilst in the relationship.

 

I remember once my mother wished him happy birthday by sending him a message on Facebook as she didn't get the chance to see him in person on the day, he saw it and just never responded. Not even a "thank you" or anything, yet that same day I saw him replying and thanking other people for their messages and texts. When I asked him about it, he said he was "surprised and taken aback by it" and didn't know what to say. Seriously?! How hard can it be to say thank you?!? I also texted him around midday even though I was seeing him later that evening after work, and he never replied. When it was my birthday I didn't hear a word from him until the day was almost over, at around 8 pm.

 

He's only ever had to look out for his own needs before he met me, therefore when he met me he didn't really know how to prioritise someone else or how to consider my wants and needs as well as his own.

Edited October 31, 2017 by TheOnlyOne73

[Zahara]

 

- However, this comes as no surprise as he wasn't a good communicator, and used to sometimes ignore messages even whilst in the relationship.

 

- He's only ever had to look out for his own needs before he met me, therefore when he met me he didn't really know how to prioritise someone else or how to consider my wants and needs as well as his own.

 

So aside from not being able to commit, he's bad communicator, he's selfish -- I'm sure if you dig deeper, you'll start to see the reality of him rather than romanticize the relationship. In that sense, this is a good thing but while painful, it will likely be the best thing in the long run.

 

All very good reasons/red flags to eject.

[SpecialJ]

Is this your big breakup? Have you had other boyfriends?

 

I'm going to repeat my advice from earlier in this thread. It sounds like you know intellectually what the issues are, and most are related to him not being ready. You recognize that he's a bad communicator (that avoidance, in my experience, also is associated with immaturity), and I suspect that you are right. He didn't answer your email because he doesn't know what to say or how to handle the situation at this time so he just wants it to go away. I doubt it's specifically about you, it's about his limitations. Your read on this sounds good, but your emotions aren't caught up yet. That's normal, and it will take time because you care so much about him. But once you've given yourself space and start to process the pain, I bet you no longer want to work on this with him because you can find someone else that will be more compatible with you and less stressful for you.

 

Sometimes, 30 year olds who date women in their early 20s are doing it (not necessarily consciously) because they are immature and don't want women who are really viable and ready to be settled down in the shorter-term. Or older women don't want them, because they're not ready. Sounds like that might be part of why his friends are all seriously paired off but he isn't. (BTW, I'm not saying all people with this age difference have this underlying reason. Sometimes they just want sex with someone hot, sometimes they want control that can come with dating someone less experienced, sometimes it is totally healthy and the right person and there happens to be an age difference, etc.)

 

Another way to think about it is this. Assume, he is who he is, and it's not going to change. Imagine dealing with that reality for years and years and years more. Would you be happy with that long-term?

Edited October 31, 2017 by SpecialJ

[TheOnlyOne73]

Is this your big breakup? Have you had other boyfriends?

 

 

 

This isn't my first relationship, I've had 2 serious boyfriends before him and dated many people. I was his first girlfriend and sexual partner.

 

He never tried to control me; he was the polar opposite, very laid-back.

 

In the past when we have had arguments/mini break-ups and I have sent him messages containing explanations/how I felt immediately after the break-up, he used to read them and not reply. When I asked him once everything had cooled off what the reasons were, he said that it was because he was thinking.

 

 

This is a timeline of fights/break-ups that may help clarify things:

 

February 2015 - Met each other. Told me he loved me after 3 weeks. No fights until summer 2015.

 

August 2015 - Got into an argument when he commented on how years before we met, he had spoke to a girl we both knew but found her to be fake and boring. Said that he found her mildly sexy, but that I was "smoking hot". I never spoke of other guys' attractiveness EVER during our relationship because I found him to be the only person I had eyes for and out of respect to him. Other guys were interested in me at the time and said that they found me to be the sexiest woman they had ever met/seen, I was upset that it wasn't him saying it

 

August 2016 - Had a fight, I went to his house (stupid, I know), he said he still had the hots for me and wanted to have sex but couldn't as he "didn't know what he wanted". We had booked a trip to Glasgow, told me we should still go, and if it has to end, at least we would "go out with a bang". I told him he daren't touch me. We came to an agreement to start dating again (and not to be in a committed relationship) but to take it slow. That didn't last long and we ended up building on it and being in a relationship.

 

October 2016 - He ended it over trust issues and said too much had happened. Said this was the last time and he wouldn't be back, but he was happy to stay in touch and come and visit me at university and go out places together.

I contacted him a few times in the following weeks, he phoned me one night when I was at home and asked me to come out to meet him (he was very drunk). Started kissing me and performing sexual acts, we lay beneath the stars together, said he missed me. I thought we were back together so contacted him the next day, he said he didn't want to get back together. We met for coffee later that day, he said that when we are apart, there are times where he really wants to be with me and times where he doesn't. I told him I was walking away and moving on because I couldn't take this anymore, he started crying and kissing my hand, told me he loved me.

I went into NC, he contacted me 3 weeks later asking how I was. I made sure to act fairly indifferent. A few weeks later I contacted him with possible solutions to our problems, he said we should meet to discuss things when I was home for Christmas in a few weeks.

 

December 2016 - Met up with him for coffee, he was staring into my eyes throughout. Offered to drive me home and kissed me in his car, moved me onto his lap. The next day, he sent me a text saying that it felt good but strange to see me again, and that he didn't think we should get back together because he was still "the one that got hurt". I met him to give him some of his stuff back, he said he would think about things over the next week, and be in touch. Sent me some texts 2 days before Christmas saying he didn't want to. Immediately after, I got a text saying he was outside my door. We spoke, he wanted to start seeing me again and to rebuild the trust. He told me things didn't work without me, he was depressed, drinking a lot, I was unique and that there was no one else like me. Months later, I quizzed him about this event as I was suspicious and he said he felt blind panic at the thought of never seeing me again and didn't want to be without me. Said I was the one he wanted, he didn't want a white girl (I'm Indian, he's white), he didn't want anyone new, he would never find anyone as interesting or beautiful as me. Asked him if he came back to me because I was familiar and because it was easier, he reassured me that wasn't the case. When we were apart, he would spend his time wondering what I might be up to.

 

June 2017 - I told him I couldn't be his girlfriend anymore as he couldn't provide me with the security/reassurance that I needed.

 

July 2017 - Told me he was infatuated with me, couldn't ever imagine being with anybody else, I was "his woman". Wanted to start contacting me at least once a day to show me that "he was mine".

 

October 2017 - Current break-up initiated by me due to his empty promises, lack of effort/commitment, and me finding out that he had been lying to me behind my back about porn (after a conversation about it in August 2016, said he was fine with it, only watched it a few times a month anyway) for a long time and lied to my face about it several times. Started off with pleading on his part and asking me to reconsider, said he will have to stop watching it from now on, he would call on Friday of that week once he had money. I told him I didn't want to stop him from doing the things he wanted to, so it was best to leave him be but I wouldn't be in his life anymore. I consulted my sisters and my mother, they said they wouldn't be happy either after finding porn and that their partners don't watch it. Friday came, he didn't call but sent me a message saying that I was right because he felt he couldn't make me happy and I deserved more. Told me his heart belonged to me and that he was shaking. A week afterwards, he contacted me asking if I had been trying to call him. He claimed he was miserable and that I was the light of his life and the best thing that ever happened to him.

Edited November 1, 2017 by TheOnlyOne73

[SpecialJ]

I wasn't suggesting he's controlling. He doesn't sound it at all. I was just describing other scenarios I've seen where there were ulterior motive dynamics at play along with age differences.

 

That sounds like a lot of difficulty in the relationship and maybe some codependency, but it isn't working. Not enough has changed between you two during the periods you're out of touch. You're still very focused on him and the relationship, and your mindset won't change until you spend some time focusing on and prioritizing yourself. Which is still no guarantee that he'll change and grow and eventually make it work. Good luck, I hope you're compassionate with yourself and give yourself a bit of a break from all this.

[TheOnlyOne73]

What would be the effect of going completely cold turkey on it and using cold, hard, NC (as I have been over the past week) for someone as indecisive as him?

 

I wouldn't say I am anywhere near as fixated on the relationship as I used to be, I wrote out that timeline to give some context to the situation and to help me comprehend what has actually gone on during our relationship without wearing rose-tinted glasses.

Edited November 1, 2017 by TheOnlyOne73