Can someone explain this message to me?

[TheOnlyOne73]

 

His words do not match his actions. You may have been his first but that doesn't mean he is emotionally mature and available to have a healthy relationship with you.

 

Yes, this is something I realised a long time ago and family and friends have also picked up on this. You're right.

[Trust666]

Being each others' firsts seems like alot. This woman above was my first and I was her first at 19. We both moved on, and I admit when we reconnected recently the idea of being each others' first was probably what sustained our relationship.

 

In the end it's idealizing someone, once you find your second or third etc. you might realize being a first is sentimental but you will find better.

 

In order to heal we have to let go, and it's hard. Keep in mind this is also your first heartbreak but not your last, they hurt but learn from hurt don;t dwell longer than you need to. Don't idealize or hang onto words.

[TheOnlyOne73]

Despite the fact he is 30 in a few months, he isn't emotionally ready for what I want. He used to always blame it on abandonment issues due to his Dad leaving when he was young (but he still sees him today and talks to him).

 

I have even told him before several times that his words don't match his actions, to which he used to never say anything.

[TheOnlyOne73]

Being each others' firsts seems like alot. This woman above was my first and I was her first at 19. We both moved on, and I admit when we reconnected recently the idea of being each others' first was probably what sustained our relationship.

 

In the end it's idealizing someone, once you find your second or third etc. you might realize being a first is sentimental but you will find better.

 

In order to heal we have to let go, and it's hard. Keep in mind this is also your first heartbreak but not your last, they hurt but learn from hurt don;t dwell longer than you need to. Don't idealize or hang onto words.

 

He isn't my first, I've had 2 serious relationships before this one and ended each of them. My last ex I left for this current ex. But yes, neither of those relationships left me heartbroken when they ended, because I have only ever loved this current ex.

[alphamale]

...after a mutual break-up initiated by me ...

 

that doesn't make any sense. if you initiated the break up then it wasn't mutual. in addition, mutual break ups don't exist.

[Trust666]

Despite the fact he is 30 in a few months, he isn't emotionally ready for what I want. He used to always blame it on abandonment issues due to his Dad leaving when he was young (but he still sees him today and talks to him).

 

I have even told him before several times that his words don't match his actions, to which he used to never say anything.

 

I have abanodonment issues myself, we all have baggage. When it comes to baggage we have to decide what works with our baggage.

 

If you can not deal with his actions due to his claimed baggage then it's a moot point. This is hard to see when emotion ovetakes logic, which heartbreak and falling in love do...they are emotions over logic often times.

 

After more time and continued NC your head will clear up and logic will overtake emotion.

 

If he is the way he claims to be at 30 he is going to have a rough go off things, so heal and do the whole "the best revenge is a happy life". Your future sounds brighter than his if I may say so. Once this guy hits his 30s he's going to be in for a rude surprise.

 

Don't talk to him, if he can do this to you once he will do it again, it's cyclical.

[TheOnlyOne73]

that doesn't make any sense. if you initiated the break up then it wasn't mutual. in addition, mutual break ups don't exist.

 

It was initially my idea. At first he resisted the idea then after a few days of thinking agreed to it.

 

To say who is more emotionally invested or who is hurting more is a difficult task. He claims he is miserable since the break-up, but I'm not.

[TheOnlyOne73]

I have abanodonment issues myself, we all have baggage. When it comes to baggage we have to decide what works with our baggage.

 

If you can not deal with his actions due to his claimed baggage then it's a moot point. This is hard to see when emotion ovetakes logic, which heartbreak and falling in love do...they are emotions over logic often times.

 

After more time and continued NC your head will clear up and logic will overtake emotion.

 

If he is the way he claims to be at 30 he is going to have a rough go off things, so heal and do the whole "the best revenge is a happy life". Your future sounds brighter than his if I may say so. Once this guy hits his 30s he's going to be in for a rude surprise.

 

Don't talk to him, if he can do this to you once he will do it again, it's cyclical.

 

 

Great post. What exactly do you mean by "a rough go off things" and "a rude surprise"?

[JimmyNYC]

My interpretation below. This is without know you, him, or any of your past. Just from reading that email.

 

He is saying, "I do love you I want to be with you, but i am not willing to to any work on myself to make you happy. I want to be myself and do what I want. if that is not good enough, well then, good luck to you and maybe we'll cross paths another time."

 

Is that good enough for you? Probably not. And in my opinion you have to look at the TOTALITY of the issues you have with the other person. Sounds like from some of the things I've read you are having multiple issues with him. When in a relationship you have to get the the "love, respect, and engagement that you deserve". See these articles:

 

 

Broken Heart - What Happens When Your Mind & Heart Are Not In Alignment? | Heal My Broken Heart

 

https://thoughtcatalog.com/becca-martin/2016/07/never-run-back-to-the-person-who-broke-you/

[BC1980]

It's all flowery words. They say these things to keep you on the backburner. Plus it also alleviates their guilt and helps them look like the good guy. When in fact they're too cowardly to just let you go.

 

Block him. You have to move on.

 

This^^^

When I read that text, I swear it was almost verbatim what my last ex said to me when he broke up with me. Uncannily similar, and, yes, it's a mindf*ck like Zahara said. It's all words and nonsense. Actions speak louder than words; it he wanted to be with you he would. That text was a load of contradictions as you pointed out. If you're such a good catch, why would he let you go? If it's so painful to imagine you with someone else, why would he risk you finding someone else? And why would he think you'd be better suited in a few years? None of it makes sense. I don't even think he believes all of that, and I don't think my ex did either.

 

I'm telling you, my ex said all of this too. I was such a great catch, he loved me so much, he would probably never find anyone like me again, he was so upset about it all. But alas, it was just too much for him, and he just didn't think we should get married. But maybe in a few years we could reconnect, and it would somehow all make sense and we'd be together. What a nauseating load of bull.

 

The only way to get away from this mess is to block it and never look back. You will be back and forth and second guessing yourself with this guy. Oh, and my ex, he got engaged to someone else about a year later. So yeah, don't walk but run from this. You'll be glad you did. I was certainly glad I did because wouldn't it have been pathetic if he'd had to tell me he was dating someone? I'm not sure I could have survived that humiliation.

[TheOnlyOne73]

This^^^

When I read that text, I swear it was almost verbatim what my last ex said to me when he broke up with me. Uncannily similar, and, yes, it's a mindf*ck like Zahara said. It's all words and nonsense. Actions speak louder than words; it he wanted to be with you he would. That text was a load of contradictions as you pointed out. If you're such a good catch, why would he let you go? If it's so painful to imagine you with someone else, why would he risk you finding someone else? And why would he think you'd be better suited in a few years? None of it makes sense. I don't even think he believes all of that, and I don't think my ex did either.

 

I'm telling you, my ex said all of this too. I was such a great catch, he loved me so much, he would probably never find anyone like me again, he was so upset about it all. But alas, it was just too much for him, and he just didn't think we should get married. But maybe in a few years we could reconnect, and it would somehow all make sense and we'd be together. What a nauseating load of bull.

 

The only way to get away from this mess is to block it and never look back. You will be back and forth and second guessing yourself with this guy. Oh, and my ex, he got engaged to someone else about a year later. So yeah, don't walk but run from this. You'll be glad you did. I was certainly glad I did because wouldn't it have been pathetic if he'd had to tell me he was dating someone? I'm not sure I could have survived that humiliation.

 

Thank you very much for your response. How did you get over it all and heal? Do you feel sorry for the person he is engaged to now? I feel I need to run, the only problem is not looking back. I wish my ex luck because whoever he ends up with next will have a hard time putting up with all of the stuff I put up with, no self-deserving woman would want a relationship like that. If he can't commit to me, running away from me isn't going to solve any commitment issues, if anything it would just escalate them, so I don't see where he is going with this.

Edited October 27, 2017 by TheOnlyOne73

[Trust666]

Great post. What exactly do you mean by "a rough go off things" and "a rude surprise"?

 

Many women and men in their 30s that do not mature and are unable to commit have a rough time dating, and or finding someone to put up with their issues especially non-commitment.

 

You two want different things also, you want commitment, he wants a girlfriend who doesn't want commitment, many in their 30s are done with the games and non-commitment thing.

[TheOnlyOne73]

Many women and men in their 30s that do not mature and are unable to commit have a rough time dating, and or finding someone to put up with their issues especially non-commitment.

 

You two want different things also, you want commitment, he wants a girlfriend who doesn't want commitment, many in their 30s are done with the games and non-commitment thing.

 

No, I think he does want commitment but doesn't know how to commit. He would often hint at it with me and talk of the future and our wedding, about how he only wanted to look good for me and no one else, how he wanted to concentrate on me and his career from now on etc

[BC1980]

Thank you very much for your response. How did you get over it all and heal? Do you feel sorry for the person he is engaged to now? I feel I need to run, the only problem is not looking back. I wish my ex luck because whoever he ends up with next will have a hard time putting up with all of the stuff I put up with, no self-deserving woman would want a relationship like that. If he can't commit to me, running away from me isn't going to solve any commitment issues, if anything it would just escalate them, so I don't see where he is going with this.

 

I went NC like my life depended on it. I kept grounding myself in reality. When I would circle back and wonder if it could have worked, I would ground myself in reality again. I kept reminding myself that he left of his own free will.

 

I don't feel sorry for the woman he's married to. In reality, I wasn't what he wanted, and I think he felt guilty about that because he knew I loved him and would have done anything for him. And he couldn't reciprocate it on the same level, but he felt bad about that because I was a good person. And he didn't want to hurt someone who has been good to him and that hadnt wronged him. But I didn't realize that until years later, and it made sense. The woman he's with now is exactly what he wanted.

 

It's not a commitment issue. People commit when they find the right person.

[TheOnlyOne73]

I went NC like my life depended on it. I kept grounding myself in reality. When I would circle back and wonder if it could have worked, I would ground myself in reality again. I kept reminding myself that he left of his own free will.

 

I don't feel sorry for the woman he's married to. In reality, I wasn't what he wanted, and I think he felt guilty about that because he knew I loved him and would have done anything for him. And he couldn't reciprocate it on the same level, but he felt bad about that because I was a good person. And he didn't want to hurt someone who has been good to him and that hadnt wronged him. But I didn't realize that until years later, and it made sense. The woman he's with now is exactly what he wanted.

 

It's not a commitment issue. People commit when they find the right person.

 

He still hasn't replied to my text saying that he was wrong (see the first post of this thread), when he doesn't reply it usually means he's thinking.

[HumanMachine]

He still hasn't replied to my text saying that he was wrong (see the first post of this thread), when he doesn't reply it usually means he's thinking.

 

Or he’s busy moving on.. which is what you should be doing

[BC1980]

He still hasn't replied to my text saying that he was wrong (see the first post of this thread), when he doesn't reply it usually means he's thinking.

 

He might genuinely disagree with you. Most people aren't going to reply positively and say they're wrong. I don't think the answer matters. It's irrelevant. I think he was trying to soften the blow and explain why it won't work in a way he thought would be gentle and make sense. He probably doesn't want to get involved in an emotional conversation.

 

I know it's hard and you want answers, but he's not likely to give them to you.

[TheOnlyOne73]

So do I just not reply to anything he says (if he does) from now on, ever again? And that's it....case closed? I wish I could just forget this ever happened and forget him.

[Trust666]

So do I just not reply to anything he says (if he does) from now on, ever again? And that's it....case closed? I wish I could just forget this ever happened and forget him.

 

Forever is negotiable. I have had many exes come back years later as friends and also lovers, but until you are healed never reply and never initiate contact.

 

I wish I could forget my ex and what happened also, from an awesome happy dream to a complete nightmare in hours, then found out I was replaced so became humiliated.

 

This woman came back into my life 24 years later only to completely mid**** me because she was a selfish *******.

 

It's really hard but pretend he's dead if you have to, no good can come of continued contact and if you did get back together could you ever feel secure with him again.

 

Again. does he really want commitment, he is saying one thing and acting in the opposite manner? Actions not words, people say things in the moment and or to appease a situation.

 

My ex told me she always loved me when we reconnected, we had insane amounts of crazt awesome sex, we laughed and cried and shared life, she told me she loved me so much just hours before she dumped me. I still am dealing with it, her actions and how she betrayed me and then basically ghosted me with no answers and no regard for my emotions showed me all I needed to know. Breakups suck, heartache sucks, trust and vulnerability is hard, pain sucks...but I have no choice in any of this other than to learn and try to move on. I'm at an age now where moving on may entail just throwing in the towel on finding someone long term and just worrying about my own well being.

 

You're 22...in a year this won;t matter much to you.

[TheOnlyOne73]

My full response to that text (see 1st post) which I sent 4 hours ago was as follows:

 

"You are wrong, in relationships you continuously change and adapt for yourself and the other person, because your partner makes you want to be a better person. That doesn't mean it wasn't meant to be. The right person makes you want to change to be the best you can possibly be. I never meant it was solely dependent on you, sorry if it came across that way."

 

I don't regret sending him that because that is the way I see it, I know I was in NC for 3 days before I sent that but I didn't want to play games.

[alphamale]

So do I just not reply to anything he says (if he does) from now on, ever again? And that's it....case closed? I wish I could just forget this ever happened and forget him.

Yes, that's what you do.

[Trust666]

If you continue to contact him and or reply your hurt now will be miniscule compared to what continued contact will bring.

 

Sometimes we say what we need to say and then go NC, you said what you had to and very rarely does it change anything at all.

 

Maybe a year from now he pops back into your life, maybe he doesn't...you

willll know then what to do better than now. When we breakup and don't accept it, usually the dumpees, we tend to think we have some control. The only control we have is ourselves, and NC.

 

I've had exes contact me especially in the FB age years down the line, the ones I still have the feels for I ignore, the ones I do not have the feels for make awesome FB friends who mean nothing to me anymore except a like here and there and sharing through FB.

 

Also beware of the breadcrumbs if you can't go NC, and you feeling worse. NC works, contact leads to more hurt, do you want to hear one day "leave me alone" or "I am with someone new now"?

 

Be kind to yourself and prepare to heal.

[Trust666]

My ex went from clingy, insecure, wanting to be with me 24/7 to pretty much ghosting in an instant. I went NC and she claimed I was ignoring her. So from her not contacting me to her saying "you are ignoring me" in days. She realized I was no plan b and freaked out.

 

I contacted her to send her her possessions and that was all it took for my life to become a bigger nightmare. NO GOOD CAN COME OF IT. She was cold, mean, mocked me with how she met someone else and now we hate one another. Then kept saying we would reconnect.

 

he needs to respect you, that starts with NC. He's keeping you in limbo is sounds like.

[TheOnlyOne73]

If you continue to contact him and or reply your hurt now will be miniscule compared to what continued contact will bring.

 

Sometimes we say what we need to say and then go NC, you said what you had to and very rarely does it change anything at all.

 

Maybe a year from now he pops back into your life, maybe he doesn't...you

willll know then what to do better than now. When we breakup and don't accept it, usually the dumpees, we tend to think we have some control. The only control we have is ourselves, and NC.

 

I've had exes contact me especially in the FB age years down the line, the ones I still have the feels for I ignore, the ones I do not have the feels for make awesome FB friends who mean nothing to me anymore except a like here and there and sharing through FB.

 

Also beware of the breadcrumbs if you can't go NC, and you feeling worse. NC works, contact leads to more hurt, do you want to hear one day "leave me alone" or "I am with someone new now"?

 

Be kind to yourself and prepare to heal.

 

 

I don't have Facebook, I used to but deleted it in June of this year. I have no intentions of rejoining, especially not now that this break-up has occurred haha.

 

It means I can't obsess over him or go on his profile (I'm in the science/medical field so I'm good at analyzing things to death), and likewise, he can't find out what's happening in my life. I've uninstalled WhatsApp (the only social media platform I have him on, neither of us are big on social media), I'm hoping that when I come to re-install it in a month's time I'll be more composed and won't be affected by any messages I receive upon re-installing that he may have sent whilst I've been away. If I'm not ready in a month, I'll wait longer before re-installing it.

 

He told me to never delete his number (don't really know why he said that) and that he'll never delete mine. I deleted his but I know it off-by-heart anyway so it makes no difference. He hasn't blocked me on WhatsApp or my number.

 

Going by the last break-up, it is likely that he'll be in touch to ask how I am or what I'm up to as he knows lots of things are happening in my life. During the last break-up, he said he was contacting me because he missed me, but this was after 3 weeks of NC from me.

Edited October 27, 2017 by TheOnlyOne73

[BC1980]

So do I just not reply to anything he says (if he does) from now on, ever again? And that's it....case closed? I wish I could just forget this ever happened and forget him.

 

In honestly wouldn't contact him again because it starts a back and forth and always ends badly. Or you build up expectations about how you are going to end it one final time, and it doesn't live up to your expectations. Or you get your feelings hurt because he can no longer be what you want him to be and provide understanding and comfort. Or it's awkward because the two of you don't know how to negotiatiate a platonic conversation. It never ends well, and it never gets wrapped up in a nice bow the way you think it will be.

 

So if he doesn't write back, I would definitely not write him again. If he does, you could write something back very brief and leave it at that. Something along the lines of "I wish you well." That would literally be the extent of it. You can always revisit taking to him at a later date if you really want to. Give yourself at least a year of NC before you make that decision.