Cant accept it ***Updated***

[d0nnivain]

She may have perfect in your eyes. But you were flawed in hers. She told you that you lack drive. I don't know exactly what she means by that but I suspect it has a lot to do with your present job (or lack thereof). If you really want her back -- fix whatever she claimed was wrong: get a job, get a better job, make more money, go to school, just do something to show that you are ambitious. After you succeed at that in about 1-2 years after you have proven yourself try again. I suspect she will be in a new relationship by then but you will have also given yourself more options so it won't be so bad.

 

There is nothing you can do in the short term.

[trustyourself]

I know its difficult.

 

But if she is the dumper, you need to stay NC. So you can heal and be a better version of yourself.

 

If she wants you back eventually, she needs to make that effort.

 

If you chase, it just pushes her further away. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and all that.

 

She will probably reach out again at some point. They usually do. But you need to be in a better place when they do, so they can see you are strong and independent. If you are stuck in a rut and miserable, they sense that a mile away.

 

Be strong brother.

[Highndry]

All of the suggestions are right here on your other thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/640047-cant-accept

[d0nnivain]

In your other thread you said there was another guy. That is your answer. She wanted to be with him more then she wanted to be with you. Sorry

[Purepony]

Yeah I’d say move on brother

 

This is too much damage to repair it’s going to take time

[Jxmpy]

You're afraid to let her go. Accepting the finality and reality that someone does not want to be with you anymore is difficult.

 

She won't be going further away -- she's already gone and wants to be gone. Time to seek acceptance.

 

It is really difficult. It's going to take a long time.

[Jxmpy]

Because she's not interested right now.

She need to miss you before she want to be with you (and that could never happen), and you stay in her life only make her more sure about your break up.

 

You're right. I feel like it may never happen, but I hope she realizes what she lost. I've been trying to stay out of her life.

[Jxmpy]

She's already gone, my friend.

 

I am sorry, as I can see you are in pain. But you aren't ignoring her if she's not reaching out to you about getting back together, anyway.

 

I am in a great amount of pain. That is true, I'm not ignoring her. I was the last one to send her a email telling her I'm willing to work things out.

[Jxmpy]

I know its difficult.

 

But if she is the dumper, you need to stay NC. So you can heal and be a better version of yourself.

 

If she wants you back eventually, she needs to make that effort.

 

If you chase, it just pushes her further away. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and all that.

 

She will probably reach out again at some point. They usually do. But you need to be in a better place when they do, so they can see you are strong and independent. If you are stuck in a rut and miserable, they sense that a mile away.

 

Be strong brother.

She was the dumper. You're right, she needs to make the effort. I've stopped chasing 2 weeks ago.

[Jxmpy]

I, again, tried to reconcile with my ex. I always go no contact for about 2 weeks then I end up giving in. She doesn't reply or anything. It does hurt that she doesn't, but I cannot just stop completely. I've tried every now and then the past 2 months since she left to get her back. I can't let 3 years disappear like it never happened, but she can which is heartless. Im always looking for hope. She has tried dating, but the last 2 guys she tried with ended up rejecting her. Guess it's karma? She needs to realize she has a great guy here, but she honesty won't knowing her stubborn self.

[Buriall]

She won't come to realize you're the one if you keep chasing... LET IT BE maybe she ll come back but again don't hold on to hope...

[Beachead]

I, again, tried to reconcile with my ex. I always go no contact for about 2 weeks then I end up giving in. She doesn't reply or anything. It does hurt that she doesn't, but I cannot just stop completely. I've tried every now and then the past 2 months since she left to get her back. I can't let 3 years disappear like it never happened, but she can which is heartless. Im always looking for hope. She has tried dating, but the last 2 guys she tried with ended up rejecting her. Guess it's karma? She needs to realize she has a great guy here, but she honesty won't knowing her stubborn self.

 

OP,

 

Some tough advice is coming your way.

 

You are not gaining any ground by contacting her. By reaching out to a person that doesn't want to be contacted by you, you are driving them away and killing whatever is left of her feelings. This is the time where you absolutely have to do the complete opposite of what your heart wants you to do. Don't listen to your heart at this point. It will lead you off of a cliff.

 

I know it's hard to stomach a 3 year relationship ending. It feels like death. I know you don't want to let it just die away. The regret. The time you feel you wasted. All these thoughts.

 

But, having a second go at the relationship is not your call to make alone. You need the other person and the other person couldn't want to be more further away from the relationship at this point. There's nothing you can do about it. You reaching out is not out of love but because you are in pain. Much like an addict who feels the withdrawal from a drug that they've become dependant on, you are trying to get your fix which comes from her. If you were thinking clearly, you would step back and let her have her freedom because you know you can't cage a bird that wants to fly away. It takes 2 people to make a relationship work and when one has emotionally checked out, that's it.

 

She may never see the light and she may never come back again.

 

It sounds counter intuitive but the best way to increase likelihood of reuniting with her ever again is to accept this harsh truth and let go of her and relearn how to be happy without her. There was a time you were fine without her. You will be again.

 

I also tell myself the same thing everyday. I know how tough it is.

 

Goodluck

Edited November 10, 2017 by Beachead

[Highndry]

I, again, tried to reconcile with my ex. I always go no contact for about 2 weeks then I end up giving in. She doesn't reply or anything. It does hurt that she doesn't, but I cannot just stop completely. I've tried every now and then the past 2 months since she left to get her back. I can't let 3 years disappear like it never happened, but she can which is heartless. Im always looking for hope. She has tried dating, but the last 2 guys she tried with ended up rejecting her. Guess it's karma? She needs to realize she has a great guy here, but she honesty won't knowing her stubborn self.

 

I am going to be direct here and it's not meant to hurt your feelings but to help you to realize the error of your ways. You say "she needs to realize she has a great guy here." Let me tell you, your behavior says the exact opposite. You are acting in a clingy, needy, emotionally weak manner which could not be further from what women want. That's not a great catch, that's a doormat for women to walk all over and then discard without even batting an eye, while laughing with their friends about how emasculated you had become.

 

You know that term "stage 5 clinger?" That's you right now. When you contact her, she's thinking "ewwww, GROSS." Is that what you want? The next time you think you're going to win her back by throwing yourself at her feet for the 47th time, remember that she is repulsed by your groveling. Hopefully this reality will sober you up before you damage her respect for you even more, if she has any left at this point. Do yourself a favor and delete her number, email, everything, because you cannot seem to help yourself from playing the fool.

Edited November 10, 2017 by Highndry

[Jxmpy]

She won't come to realize you're the one if you keep chasing... LET IT BE maybe she ll come back but again don't hold on to hope...

That is true, I need to just let go

[Jxmpy]

OP,

 

Some tough advice is coming your way.

 

You are not gaining any ground by contacting her. By reaching out to a person that doesn't want to be contacted by you, you are driving them away and killing whatever is left of her feelings. This is the time where you absolutely have to do the complete opposite of what your heart wants you to do. Don't listen to your heart at this point. It will lead you off of a cliff.

 

I know it's hard to stomach a 3 year relationship ending. It feels like death. I know you don't want to let it just die away. The regret. The time you feel you wasted. All these thoughts.

 

But, having a second go at the relationship is not your call to make alone. You need the other person and the other person couldn't want to be more further away from the relationship at this point. There's nothing you can do about it. You reaching out is not out of love but because you are in pain. Much like an addict who feels the withdrawal from a drug that they've become dependant on, you are trying to get your fix which comes from her. If you were thinking clearly, you would step back and let her have her freedom because you know you can't cage a bird that wants to fly away. It takes 2 people to make a relationship work and when one has emotionally checked out, that's it.

 

She may never see the light and she may never come back again.

 

It sounds counter intuitive but the best way to increase likelihood of reuniting with her ever again is to accept this harsh truth and let go of her and relearn how to be happy without her. There was a time you were fine without her. You will be again.

 

I also tell myself the same thing everyday. I know how tough it is.

 

Goodluck

Very true. She was just so hypocritical. Talking about living together and future plans then all of a sudden boom. That is what kills me. The lies and thoughts. From this day, I'll try my best to leaver her alone for good.

[Jxmpy]

I am going to be direct here and it's not meant to hurt your feelings but to help you to realize the error of your ways. You say "she needs to realize she has a great guy here." Let me tell you, your behavior says the exact opposite. You are acting in a clingy, needy, emotionally weak manner which could not be further from what women want. That's not a great catch, that's a doormat for women to walk all over and then discard without even batting an eye, while laughing with their friends about how emasculated you had become.

 

You know that term "stage 5 clinger?" That's you right now. When you contact her, she's thinking "ewwww, GROSS." Is that what you want? The next time you think you're going to win her back by throwing yourself at her feet for the 47th time, remember that she is repulsed by your groveling. Hopefully this reality will sober you up before you damage her respect for you even more, if she has any left at this point. Do yourself a favor and delete her number, email, everything, because you cannot seem to help yourself from playing the fool.

I am not really being clingy at all. I don't call her, text her or anything. I won't talk to her for weeks. Every 2 to 3 weeks I'll send an email, just letting her know that I'm still willing to work things out. I'm not begging her or anything like that. I am only keeping minimal communication is all.

[magnesium]

I am not really being clingy at all. I don't call her, text her or anything. I won't talk to her for weeks. Every 2 to 3 weeks I'll send an email, just letting her know that I'm still willing to work things out. I'm not begging her or anything like that. I am only keeping minimal communication is all.

 

You might not think you are being clingy, but she does think that. Even the minimal communication from your part is irritating to her. Read Highndry's post several times, and read his post if you get the urge to contact your ex, because he is right on the money.

 

My two cents, if you want to see her come back, you need to improve yourself a lot, and then find a relationship with someone else. That's how it works sometimes, when your ex realizes you moved on and are happy, that's when they start reaching out to you. And at this time, you can ignore your ex.

Edited November 11, 2017 by magnesium

[Beachead]

You might not think you are being clingy, but she does think that. Even the minimal communication from your part is irritating to her. Read Highndry's post several times, and read his post if you get the urge to contact your ex, because he is right on the money.

 

My two cents, if you want to see her come back, you need to improve yourself a lot, and then find a relationship with someone else. That's how it works sometimes, when your ex realizes you moved on and are happy, that's when they start reaching out to you. And at this time, you can ignore your ex.

 

Yep I back that and also what Highndry said.

 

..and the hardest part about it is programming your mind to do this for you and not for her.

 

People often lie to themselves about doing this for themselves when deep down they are trying to win their ex back. They only delay the whole healing process and reality hits them like a ton of bricks sooner or later. Only then, they've spent more time an emotional energy lying to themselves. Don't do this. It will lead to much more pain in the future. I have been guilty of this many times in my life.

 

You yourself have to finally accept that it's over and she isn't coming back. You yourself have to face that painful reality and in your despair, let go of her completely, and begin rebuilding yourself from the ground up. It is a process that takes a lot of time but when it happens naturally and genuinely, you'll find a year from now, you won't care nearly as much as you do now about having her back. Who knows, maybe you won't care at all.

 

Currently neither of you have changed and the same issues and problems will resurface and cause your relationship to fail again. And your anxiety and weakness which is causing the neediness/clinginess will also contribute to the end of the relationship again.

 

She may or may not come back. I've already addressed her not coming back. Now, lets say she does. Then the best position you can be in is to be healed and back to who you were when you were strong and didn't care if she talked to you or not; someone who was constantly bettering themselves mentally, physically, socially etc.

 

Either way, in both scenerios, the plan is the same.

 

Hope this advice finds you well

 

Goodluck

Edited November 11, 2017 by Beachead

[Blanco]

OP, you're not a clinger just yet, but you need to stop pestering your ex about getting back together. At this point, she knows where you stand, so she doesn't need to be reminded. I know you feel like you have no other recourse, since you believe letting go will just allow her to drift further away. That might happen, but it's better than pushing her away, which is what your repeated contact is doing.

[Jxmpy]

You might not think you are being clingy, but she does think that. Even the minimal communication from your part is irritating to her. Read Highndry's post several times, and read his post if you get the urge to contact your ex, because he is right on the money.

 

My two cents, if you want to see her come back, you need to improve yourself a lot, and then find a relationship with someone else. That's how it works sometimes, when your ex realizes you moved on and are happy, that's when they start reaching out to you. And at this time, you can ignore your ex.

I see what you mean. I have been working to improve myself. The hard part is to find another woman. I dont want to feel conflicted with my ex and a new woman. Do you think a new woman would help me get over my ex?

[Jxmpy]

Yep I back that and also what Highndry said.

 

..and the hardest part about it is programming your mind to do this for you and not for her.

 

People often lie to themselves about doing this for themselves when deep down they are trying to win their ex back. They only delay the whole healing process and reality hits them like a ton of bricks sooner or later. Only then, they've spent more time an emotional energy lying to themselves. Don't do this. It will lead to much more pain in the future. I have been guilty of this many times in my life.

 

You yourself have to finally accept that it's over and she isn't coming back. You yourself have to face that painful reality and in your despair, let go of her completely, and begin rebuilding yourself from the ground up. It is a process that takes a lot of time but when it happens naturally and genuinely, you'll find a year from now, you won't care nearly as much as you do now about having her back. Who knows, maybe you won't care at all.

 

Currently neither of you have changed and the same issues and problems will resurface and cause your relationship to fail again. And your anxiety and weakness which is causing the neediness/clinginess will also contribute to the end of the relationship again.

 

She may or may not come back. I've already addressed her not coming back. Now, lets say she does. Then the best position you can be in is to be healed and back to who you were when you were strong and didn't care if she talked to you or not; someone who was constantly bettering themselves mentally, physically, socially etc.

 

Either way, in both scenerios, the plan is the same.

 

Hope this advice finds you well

 

Goodluck

 

I understand what you're saying. It's hard not to lie to yourself believing that we are bettering ourselves for us when its for the other person. How do you feel about talking to new woman. Does it help?

[Jxmpy]

OP, you're not a clinger just yet, but you need to stop pestering your ex about getting back together. At this point, she knows where you stand, so she doesn't need to be reminded. I know you feel like you have no other recourse, since you believe letting go will just allow her to drift further away. That might happen, but it's better than pushing her away, which is what your repeated contact is doing.

 

I dont believe I am being clingy either. Yeah, as of today I'll stop, and if she ever reaches out then I will respond. How do you feel about talking to other women. Does it help?

[Blanco]

There are people who will suggest "getting under someone to get over someone," and sure, that works for some people.

 

Overall, though, I think it just becomes a coping mechanism for someone people that keeps them from properly processing a breakup. It's really hard to do self-reflection about the many layers of a breakup when you're masking the pain with the distraction of another woman.

 

I would not worry about finding someone new right away. They'll only be a distraction from what you're going through, which by the way, is a completely normal process that you shouldn't feel guilty about. Reflect on the relationship and your contribution to it; what you did wrong and what you'll do differently in the next relationship. You'll be a better partner to the next person because of it.

[Jxmpy]

There are people who will suggest "getting under someone to get over someone," and sure, that works for some people.

 

Overall, though, I think it just becomes a coping mechanism for someone people that keeps them from properly processing a breakup. It's really hard to do self-reflection about the many layers of a breakup when you're masking the pain with the distraction of another woman.

 

I would not worry about finding someone new right away. They'll only be a distraction from what you're going through, which by the way, is a completely normal process that you shouldn't feel guilty about. Reflect on the relationship and your contribution to it; what you did wrong and what you'll do differently in the next relationship. You'll be a better partner to the next person because of it.

I understand. I'm not worried about finding someone else. I do believe it will just be a distraction. Its just harder for men to get over an ex than women I believe. Women have a stronger support system, whereas men are told to screw other women and men usually deal with the process alone. Yeah we may talk to family and friends, but it's not the same.

[magnesium]

I see what you mean. I have been working to improve myself. The hard part is to find another woman. I dont want to feel conflicted with my ex and a new woman. Do you think a new woman would help me get over my ex?

 

I'm not suggesting finding another woman right away, and I'm not suggesting finding a new woman to get over your ex.

 

I'm suggesting that you let go of your ex, and give up the notion that she will one day realize her wrong and then come running back into your arms. You said yourself that you feel a sense of betrayal from her. Let me ask you, if she did come back to you, would you trust her like you did before after you feel betrayed? How about the scenario she comes back to you, only to do the same thing all over again? If you feel bad now, having history repeat itself by the same exact woman will destroy you.

 

Don't even worry about finding a new woman. Find a way to make peace with what happened, get your dignity and self-respect back. Heal yourself.

 

Right now your ex has 100% power over you, and that is power you are giving her. Every time you text your ex, if your ex doesn't respond the way you want, only you are the one who gets hurt. This needs to stop, because it's like you have a deep cut (metaphorically speaking), and each time you contact your ex, you pick the scab off that cut and it starts bleeding again. You need to start healing, start grieving your loss of your ex-girlfriend, and your relationship.

 

You probably don't like that I'm suggesting to cut her out of your life and move on, but remember, she did that too you already.

 

Edit: When I mentioned finding a new woman in my earlier post, I meant that in a way that your ex will try to weasel her way into your life after you have moved on without her. Your ex is not stupid, she knows on some level what she did to you.

Edited November 11, 2017 by magnesium