NO remorse for [wife's past] cheating

[Just a Guy]

What??? Until he's 113?

 

Hilarious! Good to see some humour in a serious thread like this!

[rog]

The responses to the road my life’s choice has taken me were interesting and helpful; they made me think reflectively. Also, since I’m now living in a different geographical area I’m seeing a new psychologist. Besides seeing her, it was suggested I get involved with group therapy sessions. My psychologist and I have had a number of sessions, as well as my attending a few therapy group meetings. The people at the group sessions are quite blunt and some comments have been very derogatory.

A few individuals have suggested that my wife’s extensive sexual past and sexual indulgencies were emotionally stimulating for me. That my wife brought a divergent life style to me that I found exciting and sexually stimulating. Once exposed to her sexual pleasures, I couldn’t let go or abandon the thrills I was having with her. That, even though I might have found some of the things she did distasteful and humiliating to me, there was a thrill I couldn’t let go of. She once gave oral gratification to a guy in front of me. The bazaar reason isn’t important. But I dared her to do it. Since I already had accidentally seen her having sex with another man in her apartment, this was nothing. The more I dared and teased her, the more exciting this game we were playing with each other became to me; I did not believe she would do it, but she did. She did it with a lot of fanfare and bravado, seeming to enjoy every moment; letting me know she was in charge. I didn’t goat her into doing anything again.

When my wife and I were together in our early days of dating, I experienced things I would never have imagined myself doing, with her or anyone else. It was as if I went over to that proverbial “Dark Side” of life. The group talk led me to confess that my first sexual encounter with her thrilled me and I thought of her as an easy lay; we were intimate within hours of our first date. I didn’t have any real emotional investment with her at that time, she was a woman who put out and I liked it and the sex was fantastic. Sure I knew her years ago, but time changes a person. A member of the group stated that I had a character flaw. She said, because I enjoyed using my girlfriend (wife) for my pleasure, not hers. As our relationship continued I found an excitement of living vicariously through her past and current sexual experiences. I hated myself for this. It wasn’t who I really was, I detested my self and her relationships with others but found it a turn on, it seemed to heighten our intimate relationship my girlfriend (wife) led me to believe. I had no choice then. It would be either accept her as she was, or leave. How could I leave, the sex was unbelievable and quite frequent! Once we became monogamous (or thought we were) I found I was falling in love with her. Eventually I proposed, but as I posted earlier, it was the weekend she had a relationship with a guy she had just met. I didn’t find this out until after my first child was born, which was close to nine months after we were married. All the children we eventually had were mine no mater who implanted the seed for fertilization, but I, without question, just assumed they were mine genetically. I have always believed I am their father, nothing will change that. I would never place guilt on them for something their mother might have done. I did not believe in divorce and really believed we could be a solid family, and with counseling I could handle my demons. But events as mentioned in other posts would haunt me perpetually.

Today that love / hate relationship I have with my wife plagues our lives or mine. I will not leave her. No matter where I go or whom I’m with, I take my psychological baggage with me; so why not just stay married. We have built this bazaar life together which fulfills her needs and a few of mine. However, the ultimate question is why I have allowed myself to endure this marriage? We are financially secure and do have a wonderful relationship with our children and grand children. Someone in the group session said, I might have felt guilty for using my wife for my own sexual gratification in the beginning and may be that’s why I didn’t rush to marry her.

[road]

Rog, you married a wild women and you liked the porn

star sex with her. All those things were done with

your knowledge, with you being there.

 

There was no deceit till after you became engaged.

 

Your WW let you believe that she did not cheat on you

during your engagement until after you got married and

had a child with her.

 

Your counselor and your group focus on the dating

part of your relationship and totally ignore the cheating

that your WW did while engaged.

 

This to me is these people just rug sweeping and blame

shifting every thing onto you. They are wrong. You are

not at fault for your WW cheating on you.

 

You may of been hesitant to marry her because she had

a wild sex life. Though you made the decision to marry her

because you did not want to give up the porn star sex

with her. You decided that you would not let her pre engagement

sex life make you lose being married to her. You assumed

that she would be faithful. You were not wrong to assume that.

Or want that.

 

I understand how after finding out that she cheated on you

and had no remorse has shook you so badly that 40 years

later it still has you badly shaken up. Enough to make you

doubt paternity.

 

I would doubt paternity if what happened to you happened

to me. You need to remove all doubt of paternity. Time for

you to get a paternity test done.

 

I am glad you have updated us. Keep us informed.

[rog]

Forgive me for rehashing some of what I have already posted, this is a difficult time for me; ARMIGEDEN DAY is here. Years ago while on a business trip my wife, then girlfriend accepted a date on Feb. 11th with a guy she just met at a gas station. They would spend the next few days together, with their bodies entangled together sexually. While I was away I would phone her daily to talk. When I phoned her on the 11th she told me about the date. I told her I didn’t want her doing this to us, we argued and she hung up. Believing this was her way to get me to make a decision I had been avoiding about our future, I decided to ask her to marry me on Valentines Day. Since I was out of town I phoned her early in the morning on the 14th to ask her. When she answered I told her I wanted to ask her a special question that would change our lives. She said she couldn’t talk at the moment and I should call her later in the day and she hung up. I found out later why she couldn’t talk. She and her lover were busy in bed.

I rushed home, arriving late in the afternoon that Valentines Day so I could propos to her. She accepted. Her acceptance occurred just a few hours after she and her lover had showered together and had been intimate.

After we put the engagement ring on her finger, we fell onto the bed to celebrate our love and engagement. That romantic moment of what we did to celebrate our engagement is etched into my memory as well as all the details of what they did together that weekend. It was this sole act of her betrayal that has haunted me all these years. Learning years later, well into our marriage the truth of her lengthy infidelity. That during the months of our engagement she continued fornicating with him quite frequently.

It wasn’t till after the birth of our 1st child that my wife confessed to me all the specific graphic details of what they did that Valentine weekend. After learning of her infidelity I stopped celebrating Valentines Day because of her betrayal. How could I celebrate our love and engagement on what was to have been our special day.

When she accepted my marriage proposal we made love to celebrate our engagement. To this day I share this alleged historic day for us with that guy and the memories my wife has of them together.

I once read: “…an aroused penis is the literal embodiment of masculinity and sexual desire. So feeling the most sensitive and personal parts of your bodies coming together as one, to give each other great pleasure, can be one of the most physically and emotionally satisfying experiences imaginable.” I don’t remember where I copied this from, but I’ve kept it to remind me of what she did to us. I was, and am utterly devastated even until today that she gave and received that “physically and emotionally satisfying experiences imaginable” from a stranger and not me on that day I proposed marriage to her.

After about two years of a monogamous relationship how could she have just shared her body with this man? She has never been apologetic about her actions then. Realizing that during our engagement I might have been intimate with my wife after she and her paramour had been together was a difficult thing for me to accept. So how can I conceivably celebrate Valentines Day with her? It’s an impossible thing for me to do, to celebrate that day of love when her love wasn’t directed at me, but towards another man.

Since learning all those details well after we were married and after just having had our 1st baby I had a decision to make. I decided to stay married and try and work out this emotional trauma between us. All it did was to make me realize I loved and hated her at the same time. My children always came first. I didn’t want them growing up in a split family, so I stayed married to her. By the time my children had grown up and moved out, my wife and I had developed a relationship that seemed to work on some level since we had swept that infidelity under the carpet. But I always resented her for the infidelity and suppressed those feelings. Now, at my age it’s too late to make changes. I just want to live out what ever time I have left with out this emotional horror invading my every thought. I know it can be done, but I haven’t found that road yet.

[standtall]

Man your giving that old flame a lot of your mental space constantly talking about him. I would give it a second more of my thought...he already has had enough. Move on.

[rog]

Standtall, you had said in another post: "It depends on who is cheating and how define cheating. If it is sex, I would say men have a much harder time reconciling if their spouse cheats." You were right, as a man I have had a hard time letting go of my wife's past sexual relationship. I can say, it would have definitely been easier if she had just kept her past to herself and never revealed any details of what she and her lover did to each other. Ignorance is bliss! But she didn't, and unfortunately she divulged every detail, leaving no detail out. She had said she wanted to be honest with me. I loved her and strangely I still do. So I have lived with her and had a couple of children with her. But underneath this veneer of our relationship lies the pain of mentally seeing her performing sex acts with him. With the passing of the years, there have been brief times when what she described to me means nothing; it's as if it was just a historical incident that happened to someone else. Unfortunately they are few.

[road]

Rog, many men have waited for the truth and never got it

from their WW. Waiting decades.

 

You got it. Now why did your WW tell you?

 

I would tell WW that she lost the right to not talk about her

cheating when she made you aware of what you were oblivious

too. There is no way that a WS can expect their BS not to have

questions, not to want to get answers, and not talk about the

affair till the BS is worn out from talking about the affair.

 

You need to make the WW clear on this. Tell her that the both

of you need MC. WW balks at going you tell her she made this

mess she has to be involved in the clean up. That her sweeping

the affair under a rug is not doing a proper clean up.

 

If WW refuses to do so, and you do not want a divorce based

on your age I can agree with that. What can you do?

A in house informal, separation. Withdraw and do you own thing.

 

You need some action to take. Push for MC for the both of you and

make plans to use if that does not happen or MC does not resolve

things.

 

What will happen is eventually you will just sit in silence and stay

married for you feel that you would be worse off if you got divorced.

Or you will not fear what can happen when you force your WW to

carry her share of the burden.

 

Only you can see your hold cards. Only you can make the decision

to bluff, stand, or fold.

 

I have been wanting the truth from my wife for 38 years.

Looks like I will never get it because I am not ready to drive off

down the road. I tell you this because you are not the only one

that is in a similar position. For it is easier to talk about then do.

[rog]

Road, you asked why my wife told me every detail of what she and her lover experienced together of their sexual encounters. I don’t know. She said she wanted honesty and didn’t want what she did on her conscience. But spilling her guts with graphic details to me did nothing to make me feel better. It only implanted emotionally filled mental pictures of their actions together in my brain. When you said, “she made you aware of what you were oblivious too. There is no way that a WS can expect their BS not to have questions, not to want to get answers, and not talk about the affair till the BS is worn out from talking about the affair”, your absolutely correct. When someone you love and whom supposedly loves you back, degrades you in the process of freeing them selves of guilt, there must be an unconscious reason for those actions. As I’ve questioned her about the infidelity she spoke about it without guilt. That the other man was someone she could not resist. As I’ve said earlier, she spoke of his masculine body and how he used it as an instrument that fulfilled her every desire and pleasure. Then, comparing me to him, made me seem just adequate.

I know in her own way she loves or at least likes me. It could also be she tolerates me, or why would she stay married when divorce is a way out. Divorce for me is not an option. With all the counseling I’ve gone through I’m a confident person who happens to be married to a women he loves and hates at the same time. I have found that talking about or writing about my mental trauma helps me to cope. My wife says she doesn’t want to discuss her past at all; it’s the past and we should leave it there. I can’t, I need to vent in order for me to cope. She says I’m beating a dead horse. She’s right. The more I beat this horse; I feel better and can relegate her past sexual activities to the morgue. They generally stay there until something triggers a release of those ancient ghosts. It is reassuring to learn as you, Road, have said, “…you are not the only one that is in a similar position.” Knowing that I’m not alone, and reading of the challenges others are or have faced, helps. I do wish that others would have described how they survived, and found ways to deal with a loved ones indiscretion.

I have appreciated all comments and they have been helpful. However when it is suggested that I have given my wife’s past lover a lot of so called “air time” at this site, it is true. It was my wife (girlfriend) who engaged in a physical relationship with a man she has referred to as magnificent. Yes, they are both responsible for their actions. But the idea of another man utilizing her for his pleasure, touching her with various parts of his body, depositing his seed in my woman (ya, I’m not politically correct here) is not easily forgiven or forgotten. Histories have been written of men destroying nations because of a woman. Forgive me for stretching my point here, but emotional love, you can’t turn your back on easily. Some people might be able to just walk away, others hold on. I chose to hold on and have a life with the woman I love. Have I looked at her with Rose Colored Glasses probably? Have I rambled over these few pages, YES? My counselor was right sending me here, it has been helpful.

[lolablue17]

Let me understand something... You say that your wife was very honest with you, maybe too honest. But she wasn't honest with you in that particular time when you proposed... More to that, her dishonesty wasn't a misunderstanding, but a clear blunt manipulation and interest to achieve her goal - a marriage proposal.

 

And the worst - All these years, including now, your wife refuses to appologize, or to admit her responsibility. I disagree with all those who think that the problem is the past. You have a continues present problem.

 

I think that if your wife would have admitted her cheating, you would have the strength and ability to forgive and mainly the ability to let it go. The only reason you are stuck in this hell, is because she is still refusing to admit her responsibility, today.

 

I will be clearer - Your wife can make you happy, she has the power to cure your wounded heart. For that she must only admit her cheating. But your wife is stubbornly refusing to do so. She can remove your misery today, and she knows it, but she wouldn't.

 

All of this casts doubt on her love to you. She thinks you should "let it go". But she refuses to let it go herself, because she's insisting remaining pure in her eyes. If she takes the blame on herself, she might feel guilty, and she knows guilt is a lousy feeling, that can't be swept under the rug with the phrase "you should let the guilt go"

 

So it's a direct conflict. Who is going to carry the misery. You or her. She stubbornly chooses you to be the miserable. Although your misery is greater than hers, If she admits her cheating. Guilt is much easier than what you feel.

 

I admire your consent to be the one who bares the misery in your marriage. I know I wouldn't. I'm not such a noble man. If it was me, I would demand my wife to admit her responsibility for ruin the purity of my life with a lie and deception. If she wouldn't, I would have gone. Because for me it was a proof that she doesn't love me TODAY.

Edited February 14, 2018 by lolablue17

[S2B]

Instead of beating that dead horse - it's more useful to realize the horse is dead - and walk away knowing you're facing reality instead of living in denial.

 

Of course this has nothing to do with any horse... your wife purposely ruined your relationship - realize that. Divorce should always be an option. The fact that you won't divorce her is exactly why she will always disrespect you.

[rog]

Lolablu17, why do you think she waited till after our first child to tell me all the details? Why was the Valentines week end literally a week end of sex? Her years of sexual adventure seemed over, we were in a monogamous relationship for just over two years. You said, “…her dishonesty wasn't a misunderstanding, but a clear blunt manipulation and interest to achieve her goal - a marriage proposal.” I understand the manipulation to achieve her goal of marriage, but why the intimacies with that stranger? Was she hoping to hook him into a proposal if I didn’t ask? Her just telling me over the phone she had a date was enough to get me off the bench. Others here have implied her declaration over the phone she was going to date another man gave her the freedom to do what ever she wanted with him, and no guilt. That she was breaking up with me.

I never saw it that way. Is this why she has no guilt? But then why did she continue to be intimate with him during our engagement period? Was she playing her options with him? When he didn’t ask her, she just defaulted to me? You stated, ”I admire your consent to be the one who bares the misery in your marriage. I know I wouldn't. I'm not such a noble man,” I’m not noble. For some reason I love her. Just like the once husband, now butler in the book and movie Sunset Boulevard, he stayed because of love or maybe admiration. Your right about deception, it was a few years into our marriage before she told me about her frequent sex with him during the engagement period.

S2B you said, “Divorce should always be an option. The fact that you won't divorce her is exactly why she will always disrespect you.” I won’t or can’t divorce her, at my age now, what do I gain? When I weigh the options I only have one decision, stay married. I have many friends and activities which are quite emotionally fulfilling, and fill my days. The social groups I’m in and my children and grand children are probably what keep me emotionally content. Then there is the obligatory intimacy between my wife and I which takes care of that part of my life.

[road]

Rog, that weekend she did not cheat on you. Because you did not want the

break up did not mean it did not happen. It only takes one person to end a

relationship. She broke up with you.

 

Though during the time you were engaged she did cheat on you. Knowing

your WW's past I would not be able to sleep anymore until I had paternity

tests done on all of my kids.

 

Because her cheating, waiting years to tell you, refusing to talk about the

cheating, and taking the blame and responsibility would have left me

paranoid. I would tell WW this.

 

It sucks to have a WW, whether 3 months, 3 years, 30 years and she will

not end the trickle truthing. They know that they do not have to give us the

truth because we will not leave.

 

A lot to lose if we leave late in our lives. Give up a house with a mortgage

that chances are I will die before it is paid off. Then I would only be able

to afford to live in my car. Over simplification but more details are not

needed.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Rog, sorry you're still tormenting yourself. Quite frankly you won't get your answers from folks on here because whatever they say will not satisfy you. You will only get the answers from within you. The fact is that whatever turmoil is tearing you apart has it's genesis in the choices you made so many years ago. Those choices, once made are one way streets. You can only proceed in one direction. The only change that can come about is one that you engineer. Your wife has proved steadfastly that she is not one whit remorseful. Obviously she does not regret what she did and her so called honesty in telling you in graphic detail what she did with her OM was to rid herself of residual guilt feelings that she may have had. In doing so she had no concern for the emotional hit which she knew you would take. That is because at heart she does not love and respect you. She was not the kind of woman any of her other beaus would have chosen to marry. For them she was a good time girl to have fun with and discard. When she found that you were serious about her she reformed her ways and became monogamous with you. However, after waiting for two years when she found you were dithering and not proposing to her she lost patience with you and was ready to go on the rampage again. Her Valentine weekend fling was going to be the start of her new innings with a new set of beaus. You surprised her by proposing to her and she changed tracks again, accepted your proposal and hopefully stayed on the straight and narrow ever since you married her. Her purpose of being married to someone, anyone, eventuated with your offering to marry her. This does not mean that she therefore fell in love with you.

 

The reason she has not been remorseful is because she did not love you and never has. You were just her ticket to ride. Now in the twilight of your lives you are feeling betrayed and being done out of your marital right to be loved by your spouse. I doubt your anguish moves her at all. She has had her marriage and her status as a married woman, had her children and in general lead a comfortable and respectable life as your wife. Even if you divorce her now she stands to lose very little. She will get half of everything you own and will probably get some sort of social security benefits to boot so she will be comfortable enough on her own. She may also start sleeping around again in age appropriate circles.

 

Be that as it may, if you feel so strongly about this then initiate divorce proceedings and sever your ties with her. Alternatively, enjoy the companionship she offers you and any conjugal benefits she still provides you and be happy at this stage of your life. Frankly, there is nothing much else you can do now. The bus you are looking for left a long long time ago. What was that saying or was it a song which was popular a while ago? 'Don't worry be Happy! Warm wishes.

[rog]

Road, Just A Guy and others, thank you for your cogent arguments.

[lolablue17]

My dear rog: What exactly do you wish to happen?

[S2B]

I think counseling will help you accept what seems unacceptable - given that you won't divorce her you need to resolve this in your mind.

[rog]

lolablue17 I just want to be loved by a women I love. To have my face stroked and have chills and that strange feeling I had with my first kiss. To hear the words which I haven't heard in years from my wife, I LOVE YOU. I hope this doesn't sound to wimpy from someone my age. It's not money or tangible things I want. At my age I just want to know that the women I care for emotionally has my back. I have friends and am very active and I get strength from them. I want to travel that road less traveled with some one who shares my dreams. If I'm lucky I have maybe 10 years left to live. I want to wake up next to someone who smiles at me with a twinkle in their eye and gives me a good morning kiss, as well as, may be something more.

[S2B]

lolablue17 I just want to be loved by a women I love. To have my face stroked and have chills and that strange feeling I had with my first kiss. To hear the words which I haven't heard in years from my wife, I LOVE YOU. I hope this doesn't sound to wimpy from someone my age. It's not money or tangible things I want. At my age I just want to know that the women I care for emotionally has my back. I have friends and am very active and I get strength from them. I want to travel that road less traveled with some one who shares my dreams. If I'm lucky I have maybe 10 years left to live. I want to wake up next to someone who smiles at me with a twinkle in their eye and gives me a good morning kiss, as well as, may be something more.

 

I don't get it - you know what you want/need. You know you're not gonna get that from your wife.

 

Are you saying you want to cheat so you can get your needs met? I'm very confused about what you are looking for here. Please clarify.

[Just a Guy]

Hi S2B, I think he is longing for the unattainable. He wants his wife to show him love. She can't do that because she has never loved him from the start. So I guess he can only dream. Warm wishes.

[road]

I don't get it - you know what you want/need. You know you're not gonna get that from your wife.

 

Are you saying you want to cheat so you can get your needs met? I'm very confused about what you are looking for here. Please clarify.

 

I do not see where he said he wants to cheat.

[road]

Hi S2B, I think he is longing for the unattainable. He wants his wife to show him love. She can't do that because she has never loved him from the start. So I guess he can only dream. Warm wishes.

 

This post made re-read the first post. It appears that his wife was using

sex to get a husband.

 

At this time Rog such insist on IC together for the affair was

rug swept, not recovered from. His wife has to learn that confessing,

which was the right thing to do is not all she had to do. She needs a

professional to get her to see this.

 

As is said she has to own what she did. Rog, find a good IC and book

a session then tell your the both of you are going. Because her confessing

about the affair was just the start. That you need the marriage healed

before you die.

[merrmeade]

February’s have been very difficult for me; it is a constant reminder of her sexual weekend. I constantly replay the mental pictures of her and him doing sexual activities she told me they did together; a couple of things we have never done. When my wife told me about that weekend she was quite graphic. I wish she had just kept it to herself. To make things worse, they had had sex about 2 hours before I asked her to marry me. And we were intimate to celebrate our engagement.

 

After all these years my anger has remained constant. I have been to counseling; the graphic pictures are always there. When my wife and I have sex I'm extremely aggressive and rough with her. It has been this way for years. May anger and agonies will only stop when I'm dead.

 

My wife has never apologized or said I'm sorry.

 

I believe her, but as I've said those mental movies are there 24/7 and as the years have past the pictures have gotten extremely graphic.

WOW, just wow for so many reasons. Rog, my friend, we have much in common and reading your story has given me insight. For one thing, I'm only a few years from you in age and for another I also find myself in your state of agony at times - at times but not constantly as you are. There are so many things in your story to address that I'm going to deal with the rest of them in a separate thread and deal with the huge one that - to me - is so obvious.

 

It seems to me that the main problem that keeps you in torture is PTSD. Valentine's Day is a principal trigger. You have all the classic signs. All of the advice, cognitive therapy, self-talk in the world is not going to change anything until the trauma of that event ceases to control you.

 

When I say classic, I mean what I've experienced and seen here as classic for betrayed spouses. You believed sexual intimacy with that person to be an exclusive world between you that set you apart from everyone else and bound you to each other. You also believed that this person had the same core beliefs and attitudes about what you (thought you) shared. You see that she willfully, easily shared this intimacy with another and, therefore, your exclusive world did not exist for her. Therefore, whatever you thought and felt was humiliatingly wrong. Worse, she'd shared it with someone else in the most casual and indifferent manner. And, as if it couldn't get any worse, she gave you a lurid, detailed description of the events.

 

When this reality is blown out from under you, it is a SHOCK to every part of your being. The mental images of those acts and the deep cataclysmic anguish they caused upon your discovery of them have become irrevocably linked. So now when some trigger sets off those images, the whole roller-coaster of emotions and physical responses are also set off.

 

Sexuality is such a deep, primal connection between mates that it's massive when it is disturbed. You cannot make it right again; you cannot think it back. I think there must be behavioral treatment for PTSD in betrayed spouses. You should ask your new therapist. I am sure s/he would not want to advise you to go to someone else at this point and probably feels confident and invested. Regardless, I think you will not be able to move any direction until you are free of the trauma you still carry.

Edited February 16, 2018 by merrmeade
unfinished parts

[merrmeade]

The other reason I think that you'll be free and can start a new life is because of this:

Since the wedding we have only been with each other sexually and no one else for the last 46 years.

 

She's been faithful for 46 years. No one else. My god, man, that's got to mean something. This woman who'd been completely promiscuous stopped that lifestyle and committed herself to an exclusive relationship with you for forty-freaking-six years! I mean, my discovery was that my husband had been unfaithful not once, not twice, not even three times but five times intimately and more if you count the constant flirtations. You didn't have that. She left that life behind and committed herself to you and you alone.

 

This is another reason right there that you need to deal with that PTSD and find a way to understand this woman and appreciate her commitment to you or am I missing something? Have you been alluding to something withdrawn or cold about her treatment of you? Then why has she stayed with you? Somehow I think her side of things is crucial and that there is love there.

 

Personally I think you both desperately need help seeing and appreciating the depths of your commitment and love for each other. (1) She absolutely MUST see, understand and FEEL what you felt and why. She MUST give you that apology you so desperately need and deserve. She's lacking the understanding and, therefore, the compassion needed to feel your suffering and want to alleviate it. You owe it to both of you to do everything you can with professional help to MAKE HER SEE THIS. (2) On your part, I think you need to understand better what her fundamental attitudes were about sex when you met, courted and married her. Maybe your group members are right and you have a primal attraction to her freer sexuality and at the same time are offended by it. I don't know. I don't like that kind of speculation from a web page, but I do believe you that she has known who she is as a sexual being for a long time (and still, man, she freaking committed herself to YOU).

 

This part is so opposite my situation. My husband also loved flirting and having sex and also got a lot of it before we met - but didn't stop. Your wife stopped! Well, so you say - but that's what we have to go on.

 

I'd just like to comment underneath each quote to try and bring this too-long treatise to a close finally:

Since the wedding we have only been with each other sexually and no one else for the last 46 years.

Already commented on this a lot.

While we were dating I believed her past wouldn't matter to me; but it did. At times my jalousie would create arguments and a couple of times we almost broke up. The first date I had with her we slept together and I knew she had slept with many others on the first date as well. She had told me not to bother with condoms, she preferred sex without them; said she was on the pill. We dated for almost 2 years and as I grew to love her, her sexual past wasn't important to me any longer.

Okay,

so

two comments:

1) What I get here is that her previous promiscuity bothered you, the fact that she was sexually active, experienced, uninhibited and willing was who she was. But you were

so

smitten, you just buried those reservations.

 

2) Now, this is really important because I am probably the only poster on here right now who was a young adult in 1970. It's 1970 we're talking about. Think about that, everyone:

1970.

And the years before that? The sixties. And, yes, it WAS like that. It was all the time, anyone, everyone. Sex was nice. Sex was good. It's not called the sexual revolution for nothing. Everyone - EVERYone - was affected in one way or another. The way we dressed, danced, touched, moved changed the world.

So

don't omit the very important fact of the times when you imply your wife's lifestyle was loose or inappropriate. It simply was not for 1970.

 

And one more thing, it's also not surprising that, though promiscuous, she still had the model of monogamy and family stability in her head. That seems to be just what she did: She left it behind for the man she chose to spend her life with.

 

It sounds like you were a few years older, already working and established. It certainly doesn't sound like you jumped head first into love and peace scene. Anyway, I think you need to address this attitude difference between you in couples counseling. Moreover, I think it and a lot of other things will take on relatively less importance once you get your PTSD under control.

However tensions were building because she kept bringing up marriage and I kept avoiding the conversations as much as possible.

In February of 1970 I had to go to another city for business and she told me that when I got back we needed to talk about breaking up. I was devastated; I loved her and didn't want to lose her. I believed she was pushing me into a decision I had to make. I decided that when I got back I would propose to her on Valentines Day.

 

While out of town I would call her almost daily. The call I made to her on Thursday was emotionally devastating. She told me some guy she just met at the gas station asked her out for Friday night, the next day and she said yes. This was 2 days before Valentines Day. I told her I didn't want her seeing any one else, we argued, she said she was and she hung up. I wanted to rush back to her but I couldn't leave for 2 more days. That Sunday Valentines day I called her and told her I wanted to ask her something important. She said we'd talk when I got back. I got back to her around 4:30 Sunday. I proposed, and she said yes. We were married a few months later and we had our first child 9 months later.

 

It was a short time after our son's birth that my world disintegrated. For what ever reason my wife said she needed to tell me something; it might have been post partum depression, I don't know.

So

let's get this straight - facts [and commentary]:

 

FACT: She really wanted to get married, but you were dragging your feet.

[she was pissed and decided she couldn't give up any more of her life waiting on your indecisiveness.]

 

FACT: She picked up a guy and shacked up with him from the first day.

[Why does this bother you? This is who she'd been, and you'd been waffling for a long time. And she was pissed.]

 

FACT: You called and begged and she refused.

[You hadn't given her enough reason to trust that you'd follow through with a promise on the phone.]

 

FACT: Finally, you came back and asked her to marry you.

[she didn't have proof that you were serious until this.]

 

FACT: She said 'yes' as soon as you asked her.

[This means it's YOU she really wanted.]

 

Now, I do agree with you that the fact that she was still with him until 2 hours before you showed up is a problem. It was also obviously a problem for her: She even confessed it a year later.

 

But the fact that she stayed monogamous for 46 years means it's you she still wants.

Btw suggestions that the child could've been the gas station guy's don't work since you got married a few months after Valentine's Day.

My wife has never apologized or said I'm sorry. She believes she did nothing wrong, that she was gong to end our relationship when I got back.

 

She has told me over the years that she always loved the feel of a man's body pressing against hers. That sex with a stranger was nothing more or less than a personal handshake.

 

That she loves me and that's all that matters.

 

I believe her, but as I've said those mental movies are there 24/7 and as the years have past the pictures have gotten extremely graphic.

Well, frankly I agree with her. She loves you and that's all that matters.

But that doesn't change the fact of your PTSD. I truly believe that if you get that treated and you do couples counseling, you're going to be free and happy.

Edited February 16, 2018 by merrmeade

[road]

FACT: She really wanted to get married, but you were dragging your feet.

[she was pissed and decided she couldn't give up any more of her life waiting on your indecisiveness.]

 

FACT: She picked up a guy and shacked up with him from the first day.

[Why does this bother you? This is who she'd been, and you'd been waffling for a long time. And she was pissed.]

 

FACT: You called and begged and she refused.

[You hadn't given her enough reason to trust that you'd follow through with a promise on the phone.]

 

FACT: Finally, you came back and asked her to marry you.

[she didn't have proof that you were serious until this.]

 

FACT: She said 'yes' as soon as you asked her.

[This means it's YOU she really wanted.]

 

Now, I do agree with you that the fact that she was still with him until 2 hours before you showed up is a problem. It was also obviously a problem for her: She even confessed it a year later.

 

But the fact that she stayed monogamous for 46 years means it's you she still wants. [/indent]

Btw suggestions that the child could've been the gas station guy's don't work since you got married a few months after Valentine's Day.

Well, frankly I agree with her. She loves you and that's all that matters.

But that doesn't change the fact of your PTSD. I truly believe that if you get that treated and you do couples counseling, you're going to be free and happy.

 

I agree that they need counseling and just told him to setup an

appointment and tell his WW that they both going.

 

Yes his WW had a past. Most women do. Though being it was the past

men will ignore it as the rule. As did Rog.

 

You left out an important fact. The most important fact. That

his WW keep having sex with the OM after the proposal while

they were engaged.

 

Rog felt disgusted when he found out. Being that was still in the past

he stuffed it down.

 

Then he finds out after his child is born that he WW kept having sex

with the OM while they were engaged. Then instead of being kind when

telling Rog about the details she tells Rog how he never was as good

and never will be as good as the OM in bed.

 

She has given him duty sex for 46 years. And still tells him to stuff it.

At least he got the whole truth. Wish I could say that.

[dichotomy]

I have some empathy and sympathy.

 

You say you have 10 years left.

 

Sometimes we may not find full meaning and love from our spouse - maybe only bits and pieces.

 

I suggest you spend your remaining 10 or more years of your life seeking deep meaning and peace from other sources - other than your wife. Surely man your life has been more than just what your spouse - did - or did not do - for you.

 

I am sad my own wife cheated (had little remorse) and later lost her sexual drive for me - really I am depressed over it even now - but my life has much more to it. It has love, respect and admiration from others - and accomplishments in life that I am proud of. I also accept my wife does love me - just not in a way that I would fully want.

Edited February 16, 2018 by dichotomy